CHIBI-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB "Impro-Lite. Tastes great, less filling!" PRESENTS... Controversial Jack and the Temple of DOOM Episode 4: A New Controversy * Flames from a nearby sacrificial altar illuminated the dark room. In the red corner, Controversial Jack, one time God, sometimes sports entertainment mogul, and now b-movie adventurer, and the controversial messiah, and his faithful companion Mr. Duck. In the green corner, O.J. Simpson, a Midget Nazi with a bad accent. Jack shook his mighty (skinny?) forearm at the football legend and taunted. "Your money and influence may have bought you a legal dream team and a (controversial) acquittal of all charges, but even they are no match for the power of my X-TREME CONTROVERSY!" (Jack thought to himself, "It's time to get ULTRA-Controversial baby!") From behind the altar, a TV camera rose. ][ UNSCHEDULED HARDCORE MATCH ][ CONTROVERSIAL JACK vs. O.J. "THE JUICE" SIMPSON ][ FIGHT! With strains of 'O Fortuna' exploding through the air, Jack raced towards OJ, his whip flopping around like an epileptic noodle. Jack leaped into the air, performed a triple somersault with two twists, and aimed his booted feet at the helmeted noggin of his opponent. *JACK JACK BOOT TO DA HEAD!* O.J. was not impressed. *Defensive Line Counter!* With a flick of his finger, seven big men in football gear rose to defend him, tackling Jack to the ground and knocking his pith helmet, Mr. Duck and all, off his head. Jack pulled himself out from within the pile of football players and rose, wobbling to his feet unsteadily. "But it always works for Shingo..." he muttered under his breath. Feeling atop his head, Jack noticed the distinct lack of his constant rubber waterfowl companion, and sweatdropped. "Mr. Duck! Mr. Duck! Where are you?" Spotting his hat and duck a good distance away, Jack bolted towards them, only to be stopped cold by the murderous sometimes movie star and ex-football, who tackled him to the stone floor. As he lay on the ground, Jack spit dirt out of his mouth and rolled over onto his back. "Must. Save. Mr. Duck." he gasped as tried to stand up. He failed, mostly due to the abuse his gut was receiving from O.J.'s feet. "Don't worry!" *kick* "I promise to use..." *crunch* "...all my resources..." *stomp* "...to find..." *snap* "...Controversial Jack's..." *crackle* "...real killer!" *pop* O.J. cackled evilly as he dislodged the last of Jack's ribs. "But wait!" He exclaimed, as he turned his back to Jack, and face towards Mr. Duck. "I know who did it! It could only have been Jack's closest friend, his confidant, noble advisor, and secret lover, Mr. Duck!" His gaze burning with malice, O.J. strode over to Mr. Duck, and picked him up. "Murder is a capital offense, isn't it?" Tossing the hat/duck conglomeration up and down in his hand, O.J. smiled. "We'll just have to punish you right now!" and with that, he tossed Mr. Duck towards the flaming altar. With a hollow thud, Mr. Duck landed on the lip of the altar; flames licked at the pith helmet, the only thing keeping him from the fire. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Jack rose to his feet, an angry red aura crackling fiercely about him. He straightened his tie, pulled out a comb, and a large bottle of gel. With slow, deliberate strokes he combed his hair back into the spiky mass we all know and love. Jack lowered his head towards O.J. and snorted like a bull. *Impaling hair attack!* Jack announced his special move, as he charged at O.J. hair first. The Juice was still admiring his hail mary pass of Mr. Duck, when the red spike of hair exploded from his chest. Jack twisted his head and neck around violently, swinging O.J. around like a wet rag in a dryer. With a wet, sucking sound O.J. slipped off Jack's fierce follicles, and landed on the ground. "This isn't over yet Jack." Coughing out pulpy orange blood, O.J. pulled out a football and fired off a pass to Mr. Duck. The pigskin projectile missed its mark, but solidly smacked the altar, causing Mr. Duck to rock ever closer to the flames. Jack sprinted towards the altar. "Hold on! I'm coming!" His heart racing, his eyes focused on this friend in danger, Jack failed to notice as O.J. melted into a puddle of pulpy orange liquid and seeped into the ground. He also failed to notice the Midget Nazi, whom he tripped over. Jack and the midget went down in a tangle of limbs. Disentangling himself from the diminutive nazi, Jack sat up. His eyes grew wide, as he saw the trail of orange from where he left O.J., leading up to the now running Bronco. The Bronco that was now running quickly in his direction. In desperation, Jack grabbed the mini-nazi, and threw it with all his might at the oncoming truck, as he leaped up and twisted, trying not to get hit. Wet red rain exploded in the air as the nazi was painted across the windshield of the Bronco. With screaming tires and dust kicking up into the air, O.J. and his bronco caught Jack's leg, bending it in very unnatural directions. With a sickening snap, Jack landed, screaming. O.J.'s helmeted head popped out the side window and laughed at his seemingly defeated opponent. "Be happy Jack. There will be controversy-a-plenty when I'm acquitted of your murder despite the overwhelming DNA evidence of your blood coating my belongings and vehicle!" Still cackling, The Juice drove the bronco into the wall, pinning Jack against the stones. Jack coughed blood, and spit out a tooth. He slumped against the wall, and sobbed. "I'm sorry Mr. Duck. I'm sorry I couldn't save you..." With that, Jack hung his head, and waited for death. [**SQUEEEEEK**] Jack's eyes opened wide. "You're right Mr. Duck! I CAN'T GIVE UP NOW! NOT BEFORE I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING!" His face gleaming with controversial power, Jack slowly pushed back the Bronco, inch by inch. A black battle aura surrounding him, Jack picked up the still struggling Sport Utility Vehicle, and tossed it across the room, where it exploded. From within the wreckage of the truck, leaked that familiar orange liquid. "I'm not that easy to defeat, JACK." O.J. hissed with venom, as he coalesced back into a vaguely football shaped mass. Jack power posed. "Foul minions of Imelda Marcos! In the name of CONTRAVERSY I will punish you!" Dark energies swirled around Jack. Darkness beyond twilight... Crimson Beyond Ducks that Swim... Victory by controversy is how we shall win... I pledge to confuse all the foes who stand... Against the unlikely gift bestowed in my questionable hand... Let the fools who stand before me be befuddled by the power that you and I possess!!! *** CONTROVERSY SLAVE! *** Great gouts of dark energies flew forward and engulfed the evil O.J., puffing him into steam. Great huge rocks flew into the air, and fell from the ceiling as the controversy slave, against all odds, destroyed everything in its path. Jack, exhausted, slumped to his knees. His opponents defeated, he turned towards the altar where he last saw Mr. Duck... ...Mr. Duck who was precariously perched on the edge of the stone ledge... ...the stone ledge that cracked... ...cracked and fell into the fire... ...the fire that seemed poised to consume Mr. Duck... ------------------------------------------------------------ WILL MR. DUCK SURVIVE? WILL JACK LIVE DESPITE HIS MASSIVE INTERNAL INJURIES? WILL IMELDA MARCOS GET TO THE IDOL BEFORE CONTROVERSIAL JACK? DID YOU REALLY SIT THROUGH AN ENTIRE EPISODE THAT WAS REALLY NOTHING MORE THAN A POORLY WRITTEN FIGHT SCENE? WILL JACK EVER GET TO THE DAMN IDOL? ...all these and more will be answered next week. So stay tuned kids! Same Duck Time, Same Duck channel!