The shadow of a girl flittered across the wall to meet a companion. "Have you heard? Have you heard? Sugar. Spice. And everything nice." "These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girls." "But Student Council Treasurer Arisugawa accidentally added another ingredient to the mix... surrealism." "Oh, my. Surely nothing good could come of that." Thus... well, you know the drill. * Revolutionary Powerpuff Girl Utena Created by Scott Schimmel This chapter by the same guy that ruined your life by making you read Castlevania 1970, and endless mumbo-jumbo about Stands in Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky, Gaijin Dan Mastriani. * "It's time! It's time!" "Is the queue filled already?" "Yes! And El Rutt isn't even in it!" "He must have been sleeping at the wheel!" "Indeed!" "Ahem," said Aaron Peori's lawyer. But no one got the joke, because it was from somewhere else. "Chu! Chu chu chuchu! Chu chu!" remarked MuuChuChuChu. "Well," Saionji picked up this month's issue of "Teribi Gaido", "nothing on NHK or WowWow, but I think we'd be in time to catch a U.S. feed of CardCaptors on the satellite." "Chu! Chu chuchu chu!" MuuChuChuChu said. "Yes, you're right. I can't stand what they did to Tomoyo-chan, either. Well, how about Silverhawks?" "Chu, chuchu!" "Oh. Sorry. That hadn't even crossed my mind. There's something on the Emperor on TV Tokyo." "Chu." "Re-run of Turn-A Gundam?" "Chuchu." "Well, there really isn't anything else. Do you want to rent something?" "Chu...chu!" "Okay, then. Well, let's..." "Stop right there, MuuChuChuChu!" exclaimed Utena, bursting through the roof of MuuChuChuChu's lair with Anthy and Miki. Miki clicked his stopwatch. "Chuuuu..." moaned MuuChuChuChu, which translated to something like: "My roof..." "He said: 'You have broken through my roof which is my one and only roof that belongs to me!'" supplied Saionji, helpfully. Utena bopped him on the head. "Ow," he continued. "Chu! Chuchu chu chuchu chu! Chu, chu chu!" railed MuuChuChuChu. "He said: 'How dare you invade my home which belongs to me and attack my translator who I have hired in my very own domicile, for I have told him to not truncate anything I say and also not to summarize and/or shorten it in any way! Also and in addition, only I may strike my translator who I have hired and retain myself, and especially you can not because of not just you not being me but because I do not like you who are my sworn enemies and who I don't like very much!' Please don't hit me again," translated Saionji. "That really is an efficient language," thought Miki. Anthy was busy rubbing MuuChuChuChu's chin. "Oh, for goodness sakes. Anthy!" shouted Utena. "Yes?" Anthy replied, still stroking the arch villain's chin. "Chu! Chu chu! Ch..." MuuChuChuChu attempted to object. "...uuuuu. Chu! Chu chu chu!" "'Stop that immedi...oooooh. No! Stop doing that!'" repeated Saionji. This is when MuuChuChuChu started shooting an oversized laser gun at the girls (and unmarketable boy). He also shouted something, but considering that Saionji had run away immediately upon hearing it and thus there is no translation available, we won't bother to transcribe it here. "Oh, my," commented Anthy, jumping over a beam of white-hot death. Miki clicked his stop watch. It had actually taken 123.564 seconds to get to this point, rounded to the nearest thousandth of a second. Ducking a shot from MuuChuChuChu's gun, Utena addressed Anthy. "We'll have to have a talk about cuddling evildoers when we get home, Anthy." Miki clicked his stopwatch again. "He's shooting at .825 second intervals, Utena," he noted. A bead of sweat managed to survive a few of Utena's frantic jumps. "That's nice, Miki." "Now, Chu Chu," admonished Anthy in between dodging and weaving, "don't you realize that shooting us full of holes would be a not-nice thing to do. Why, we could get hurt!" "Chu!" responded MuuChuChuChu. "Even without Saionji, I can guess that that's probably something like: 'Bloody duh.'" Utena dids't venture. "Actually," Anthy replied, "Chu Chu-san said: 'Hah! I am aware of exactly that fact, for that fact is central to my plan, which is bringing the world revolution and thus conquering it, which will be much easier if I eliminate you, which I am cognizant of shooting you full of holes being able to do. Hah, again!'" Everything stopped. Everything pose. Everything Zen. Cybiko: it's everything! "You...understand him, Anthy?" asked Utena. "Well, of course, Utena-san. After all, Chu Chu is my good friend." I've got a feeling in my hand. It's a LEMON, LEMON, LEMONed I scream. "So, why don't you, you know, talk to him and figure out what this is all about." Don't you know, know, know. It's love. "Okay!" smiled Anthy. "Chu Chu-san, what is this all about?" She paused to listen to him squeak for a few minutes, then began to speak. "He says: 'Ha, ha, ha! I am glad you asked for I wanted you to ask for I wanted you to know why it is I will bring the world revolution and then conquer it, in the course of which you must all die, which I would like to tell you the reason for which you have just inquired after and thus I am happy. Listen carefully!'" FLASHBACK SEQUENCE! Brought to you by Dan Mastriani. Dan Mastriani: the boy ain't right. Chu Chu flew through the air, slashing his table knife gracefully as he passed the other duelist. He landed softly and turned just in time to see the rose on the duelist's chest split apart and float to the ground. Once again, he was victorious. "A valiant effort, I suppose, but I shall always defend the Rose Bride, as long as I shall live." Chu Chu spoke in perfect English. But only because this is the dub. "Yes." Rachael Lillis nodded in agreement. Dashing over to him, Anthy grabbed Chu Chu in a tight embrace, holding his tall, muscular body close to hers. "Oh, Chu Chu-san. You've rescued me again. I can only think of one way to thank you...later tonight!" She winked suggestively. "Groovy," quipped ChuChu. Things continued on like that for quite a while. Chu Chu saved Anthy from depraved duelist after depraved duelist. There was HOT CHU CHU ANTHY LUVLUV. People were generally happy. Until, Utena came. Utena was short and ugly. Her breath smelled like cheese. And not the yummy kind. She was a big poo-poo head. Nobody liked her very much. Her fashion sense sucked. Did I mention she was ugly? She didn't bathe very often. Her purse didn't match her belt. I mentioned she was ugly, right? She was stupid. She was overweight. She had one of those creepy monobrows. Her eyes were crossed. She talked funny. She... ("WILL. YOU. GET ON WITH IT!" Utena growled.) ...right. Anyhow, she was pretty bad. One day, she just showed up at Ohtori Academy and started making trouble. Seeing Chu Chu and Anthy, she became insanely, hopelessly jealous. Not that anyone wouldn't be jealous of Chu Chu. Buying a low grade signet ring from the Land's End catalogue, Utena challenged Chu Chu to a duel, and by CHEATING A WHOLE LOT she managed to win. Everybody has been sad ever since. That's why Chu Chu decided to become MuuChuChuChu, and save the world. END OF THE FLASHBACK SEQUENCE! Brought to you by Dan Mastriani. Dan Mastriani: It's them video games he's always playing. Rotted his brain, I tell you. "You," Utena pointed directly at MuuChuChuChu, "are on crack. It's the only logical explanation." "Now, now, Utena-san. Shouldn't we give Chu Chu-san the benefit of the doubt?" asked Anthy. Utena sweat-dropped. "Anthy, was Chu Chu ever a duelist?" "No, I don't believe so." "Did I buy my signet ring from the Land's End catalogue after arriving and becoming jealous of you and Chu Chu?" "Not to my knowledge, Utena-san." "Have you ever SLEPT with Chu Chu, Anthy?" "Well, I have let him sleep on the other pillow in my bed occasionally." "No, Anthy. I mean: have you ever HAD SEX with Chu Chu?" "Oh. Oh, my. That's...oh, my. I think I'd certainly remember something like that, Utena-san. I'm not even sure it's possible." "I know. I mean, ew. That's just wrong, you know? What kind of twisted sicko would so much as say something like that, even as some kind of stupid joke?" The author twiddled his thumbs and tried not to look Utena in the eyes. "Anyhow, MuuChuChuChu said these things happened. They didn't. Obviously, he's lying. Or he's massively delusional. Possibly even both." Anthy put her hand to her mouth. "Oh, dear. I see you point." Miki clicked his stopwatch. It had taken him ten minutes and 14.433 seconds to shut down his mind and reboot it after the HOT CHU CHU ANTHY LUVLUV bit in the flashback. "Chu! Chu chu! Chuchu chu! Chu!" squeaked the...whatever MuuChuChuChu is. "'Enough of this, for it is enough, and I cannot stand any more! It doesn't matter why I'm going to kill you until you are dead and no longer alive! I am simply going to take this laser gun, turn it sideways, and...' Oh, my. I don't think I'd like to repeat that, Chu Chu. It would be copyright infringement, besides," repeated Anthy. "MuuChuChuChu is right about one thing. This has gone on long enough! Let's finish it, everybody!" Utena rallied, falling into a battle stance. The other girls followed suit. And, by "other girls", I mean one girl and Miki. "I quite agree," said a new voice. The tall, lithe body of a bishonen with long, fiery red hair soon appeared to join the voice. He took a few elegant steps forward, and punted MuuChuChuChu into the lower reaches of the stratosphere with a cultivated ease. "Touga Kiryu!" gasped Utena. Touga had he and Utena in a romantic looking pose almost immediately. "Ah, my dear Utena. Are you well? I had heard that you had become a superhero, along with two other girls. Of course, Touga Kiryu could not allow such a beautiful flower such as yourself to come to harm. Thus it is that I decided that I, too, would become a superhero, and stay oh so very close to you, my darling." "You've totally got an ulterior motive to all this, haven't you Touga?" Utena frowned. "An ulterior motive? I? But of course not, my beauty. Ha. Ha, ha. BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The megalomaniacal laughter seemed out of place in the context of the previous sentence. "I'll take that as a yes." Utena showed him into a wall. "Idiot." "I'm not a girl," noted Miki. TO BE CONTINUE! BE SURE YOU ARE AT THE SAME PLACE STAYING, AND AGAIN READING NEXT WEEK! Author's notes: This is a bit of a train wreck. I didn't really have any good ideas, so I wrote this instead. I do hope no one finds it overly offensive. Saionji walked back into the lair just as MuuChuChuChu returned from Low Earth Orbit. "Ow." MuuChuChuChu said. "Chu! Chu chu chu!" he then yelled at Saionji. "Oh, yeah. I guess that was kind of cowardly. Sorry about that. I did head down to the video store and picked up one of the Pokemon movies." "Chu?" "Revelations Lugia. It has some fun Rocket Gang scenes." "Chu." "Sure thing. I'll pop some popcorn, while you start watching."