The tension onstage was nearly palpable as the giant beast inched
closer towards its prey.  The audience was torn between fleeing and
staying, between courage and cowardice, between running for their lives
and wanting to get their money's worth out of their tickets.  Heedless
of the performers' fate, the orchestra played on.  They would have made
their compatriots on the Titanic proud.

	"I find this intolerable!" cried one of the men.  "This was NOT in
my contract!"

	"Oh, he's going to completely ruin our costumes with all that goo
dripping from his big squirming tentacles!" squealed an actress.

	The beast paid them no mind, for its attention was focused solely on
one figure.  It inched toward her, moving closer, closer, ever closer
until no escape was possible and her fate seemed sealed!  From those
around her, screams rang out!  From the audience came a horrified gasp! 
From the orchestra pit came... a musical sting.

	Celes Chere strode confidently towards Ultros, her hips swinging
back and forth like they were affected by mere lunar levels of gravity. 
Her blonde hair bobbed comingly where it wound down past her shoulders,
all the better to frame the chest she'd raised to architectural heights
through judicious use of a whale-boned bodice.  One gloved hand was
raised to her mouth as she let out a laugh that shattered several pairs
of opera glasses.

	"Did you really think you could hope to face down me, the most
beautiful face and voice to ever grace this stage?"

	One gooey tentacle reached up to scratch a bare purple head.  "Uh,
that was the plan."  Ultros pointed his tentacle upwards, drawing her
attention to the beams overhead.  "See that giant weight?  It'll land on
you in SIX MINUTES!"

	"What if I move?"

	"...Stick with the program, okay, sister?"

	"Celes!" came a voice from the catwalks of the theatre.  "Do I HAVE
to?"

	She rolled her eyes.  "Yes, you have to.  Just get down here, you're
wasting precious time!"

	The sound of running was her reply, though it was quickly replaced
by a girlish scream.  "There are RATS up here!  Big ones!  And they look
mean!"

	"Well, then," Celes responded, her voice sounding like pure
sweetness, light, and arsenic, "perhaps you should fight them!"

	"I... I... okay!  You disgusting rats should watch out, as I...I...
AIEEEEEEEEE!" yelled the man as he toppled from the catwalk and landed
heavily on the stage.  Behind him, Celes dropped her face into her palm.
Ultros would have quirked an eyebrow had he possessed one.

	To the amazement of all, Locke quickly hopped to his feet (with no
small amount of wobbling as he did so, granted).  "You better watch
out," he slurred.  "We're invincible!"

	"You're talking to the orchestra pit," Celes monotoned.  As Locke
shook off his dizziness, Ultros flailed his tentacles around in
amusement.

	"Oh, you're making this too easy!  HEE HEE HEE!  Seafood... ah...
what are you doing?" asked the violet octopus as he watched Locke rear
his hand back.  A moment later, he rolled his eyes.  "If you're going to
throw something, don't throw a BALL.  Throw something sharp!  But if you
want to make it easy for me, that's fi-"

	One magical roar of energy later, a pokeball fell to the stage.  It
twitched once, twice, then remained still.  The audience stared,
stupefied, as Celes and Locke grabbed the pokeball and dashed off the
stage.

	"..." commented Edgar and Sabin from their box seats.

	"..." commented the Impresario as his star performer ran off.  He
turned to look at the two brothers.  "She said she would perform.  That
gambler hasn't shown up yet."

	"Er, well..."

	"I need someone to perform."

	"Well, she left..."

	"I need someone blonde to perform."

	There was a short pause.  It was quickly broken as Sabin and Edgar
raised their hands in perfect unison to point desperately at the other.

*  *  *  *  *

	"Suck it in, bro."

	"Someone's going to die for this," Edgar muttered as Sabin laced up
his corset.

*  *  *  *  *
	
ROCKET SCIENCE
Chapter One: Quantum Mechanics
by Illyria

*  *  *  *  *

	It was a happy fun day in the city of Vector.  The sun shone
brightly down from the sky, its beams carrying with them warmth and
light until they were stopped in their tracks by impenetrable layers of
carcinogenic smoke.  Not that mattered to the citizens of Vector,
certainly not.  They went about their business the same as they had ever
since the Empire had brought its iron-fisted rule to bear over them. 
That's to say, with a smile!

	"Go to hell," snapped one shopkeeper.

	"Only if I can take you with me," replied his customer.

	Outside, things were just as cheery.  Edgar Roni Figaro, king of the
Figaro Kingdom, mechanical genius in his own right, and would-be
playboy, was hiding behind a stack of crates.  "Can't let him find me,
can't let him find me, can't let him find me-"

	"Are you SURE you're not Maria?" came a voice from above his head.

	"ACK!" Edgar yelped as he fell over onto his rump.  He looked up at
Setzer with a shade of panic in his eyes.  "For the last time, YES!  Now
leave me alone!"

	"If you're not Maria, then why did I fly you and your group all the
way down here to Vector?" the white-haired gambler asked, scratching his
head.

	Edgar rolled his eyes.  "That's a very good question, yes.  Well,
sorry to disappoint you, but... 'Maria' is right over there!" he said
excitedly, pointing off towards the commercial district.

	"I'm not going to fall for that," Setzer huffed as he folded his
arms dramatically across his chest.  After a moment of maintaining that
pose, he looked down oddly at Edgar.  "Really, I'm not.  You can stop
waving your arm around like that, now."

	Edgar didn't put his arm down, as he was too sharply focused on the
forms of Locke and Celes running out of a store down the street.  The
shopkeeper pursued them out, waving a crowbar above his head.  "Come
back here, you THIEF!" he yelled.

	There was a short pause as the expected response failed to be
issued.  Feeling its absence, Edgar found himself yelling, "That's
TREASURE HUNTER!"

	The shopkeeper stopped in his tracks and turned to face the two men.
 He raised his crowbar threateningly.  "You friends with them?"

	"...crap."

*  *  *  *  *

	"No one in this town knows how to get in there!" 'Celes' wailed
despondently.  "And it says that we have to capture something called an
Esper before we can move on!"

	'Locke' leaned against the wall of the alleyway they'd dashed into.
He looked down at his reflection in the small electronic tablet he was
holding, one that looked vaguely like a Palm Pilot on steroids.  "And I
look just awful!  Honestly, who wears bandanas?  And this wretched
jacket!"

	The screen on the tablet suddenly flickered to life, and the two
gathered around it expectedly.  After a short burst of static and a
painful screech, the viewscreen displayed the silhouetted form of an
imposing man stroking a feline figure on his armrest.

	"You're still in that reality.  I'm highly disappointed.  This
performance isn't making me any more willing to bring you two back, you
know."

	The two snapped off a pair of crisp salutes, hoping that doing so
would cover their terror at his displeasure.  "We did capture a new kind
of species, though, Giovanni, sir!"

	"Well, let's see it."

	The blonde held up the pokeball containing Ultros.  A moment later,
it vanished in a flash of light.  "...Interesting," Giovanni finally
said.  "This almost makes up for Jessie crashing the Mach 5.  We were
going to study it."

	Jessie flinched.  "Well, I didn't think James could handle driving
it.  It was awfully fast."

	"I'm the only one of us who knows how to drive, Jessie!"

	"STOP ARGUING."

	Barely managing not to wet themselves at his tone, Team Rocket
turned back to the viewscreen.  Giovanni rolled his eyes, though how
they could tell that is a mystery.  "The Team Rocket scientists are
always looking for more test subjects.  Now that you've shown this
reality jump to be a viable technique for finding methods to improve our
power, perhaps you'd like to try out some other new process?  Say, an
even more dangerous and convoluted one?"

	"No no no no sir, we're quite happy with this assignment!"

	"You've proven yourselves to be liabilities if I keep you around
here, you two.  This is your last chance.  You have the list of
realities and targets.  Don't disappoint me, or you won't live to regret
it."

	As Giovanni's silhouette faded from their tablet, Jessie and James
turned to look at each other with expressions of supreme terror. 
"Jessie, I'm scared."

	"Me too."

	That said, they latched onto each other with a speed and intensity
rivaled only by the formation of subatomic bonds.  When the sound of
heavy footsteps behind them arose, they somehow managed to make their
grip even tighter.
	
	"Where... have... you... two... BEEN?!"

	They slowly turned to see a flustered Edgar standing at the entry of
the alleyway, his arms spread wide to block another sudden departure on
their part.  His hair had come almost completely undone from its
ponytail, and the golden strands hung in total disarray around his
formerly-regal outfit.  The kingly ensemble was now in tatters, shredded
so completely it looked more like beggar's rags.

	James cast to the back of his mind for the man's name.  "...Gerad?"

	"EDGAR!  What is WRONG with you two?  Why did you run off at the
opera house?  And I KNOW I didn't see you trying on one of the dresses
in the costume room, right, Locke?"

	"...of course not."

	"And how did you get here?"  Edgar raised a hand towards the sky and
waved it around.  "We flew!  You weren't there on the airship, but
you're here!  How?!"

	"A hot air balloon," Jessie answered with a shrug.

	"HOW DID YOU GET A HOT AIR BALLOON?"

	Team Rocket blinked, then turned to look at each other.  "You know,"
James finally answered, "I don't know that anyone's ever asked us that
before.  OW!"

	Edgar swore a blue streak as he grabbed his companions by their
collars and began physically dragging them into the street.  "We found a
way into the magitek factory, and you are going to come along and help
us.  And after this is all done, you are going to tell me what's going
on!"

	Jessie flailed in his grip.  "How dare you!" she screeched.  "How
dare you treat a lady like this!"

	There was a short pause as Edgar considered that.  "Of course, my
apologies," he said.  "I hope you can forgive me."  That said, he
continued dragging James through the gutter.  "Don't say a word, Locke."

	"Ow!  There's broken glass on the street!"

	"Don't tempt me, Cole, do not tempt me."

	James contented himself with whimpering quietly.

*  *  *  *  *

	"Celes, Locke, I don't know where you two went, but this stopped
being funny a long time ago!"

	Jessie let out a snort as she continued her crawl through the
ventilation ducts of the magitek factory.  "Honestly, thinking he could
order us around.  That'll teach him."

	"Do you think he'll be all right?" James asked from behind her,
mindless of Jessie's posterior wiggling back and forth in front of his
face.  "He's only with that one other person, now."

*  *  *  *  *

	"Mr. Thou?"

	"No, that's my brother."

	"Mr. Thou!"

	"No, that's my BROTHER."

	"...Mr. Penthouse?"

	"Sure."

*  *  *  *  *

	"He'll be fine!"  Jessie craned her head as far back as she could in
the tight space to look at James.  "Now, let's hurry up and get out of
here.  This green leotard really isn't my style."

	Before James could fire back a response on the negatives of their
respective temporary ensembles, the horrific sound of rending metal
filled their ears.  They barely had enough time to express looks of
terror before the duct broke open beneath them, sending them hurtling
through the air to land ungracefully on the tiled floor below.

	"Ce... Celes?"

	Jessie raised her head.  "Unhg?" she forced out before she passed
out onto James.

	Cid bustled over to pick up the two, setting them into two empty
seats in his laboratory.  He waved a tube of smelling salts under their
noses, nodding with satisfaction as they jerked back to lucidity.  "Glad
to see you're awake.  Now, Celes, tell me what you're doing here!"

	All the modern medicine in the world will never hold the restorative
power of a dramatic cue.  Jessie and James leapt to their feet, each
pointing one hand towards the ceiling.

	"PREPARE FOR TROUBLE!"

	"And MAKE IT DOUBLE!"

	"This sounds like it might take a while," Cid calmly said.  "Mind
getting to the point?"

	Jessie and James twitched.  Jessie's face screwed into an
interesting shape as she spat out, "Fine, then.  Hand over those
Espers!" she demanded as she pointed to the giant amber tubes of liquid
that lined the walls.

	"And where are you planning to put them?" Cid replied, still
sounding as calm as someone on an overdose of Quaaludes.

	The two whipped out their pokeballs, holding them aloft with smirks
on their faces.  "We're going to take all of them and put them into
these pokeballs, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

	"That sounds like it would violate the laws of conservation of mass.
If you insist on stealing them, would you like a pet carrier?  I think
I have a spare one around somewhere from when I took my cat to the vet."

	Team Rocket blinked at each other as Cid went about his business. 
"Is it just me, or is this too easy?" Jessie asked.

	Immediately showing that, yes, it was too easy, a fourth figure made
his appearance.  "UWEE HEE HEE!" Kefka laughed, flouncing into the room.
"Those two Espers in the basement are more miserable by the second! 
And... what are you two looking at?"

	"That... makeup!" Jessie gasped, clutching at James.

	"His clothes!  They CLASH!" James wailed as he tried to hide behind
Jessie.

	"THE HORROR!" both of them cried. 

	Cid and Kefka watched in silence as the figures of Celes and Locke
ran past them in terror, barely possessing the sense to grab a
likely-looking box off a shelf as they passed.  

	"And here I thought you were the one who was messed up more by the
magitek experiments," Cid finally mused.  He blinked as a piece of
footwear was shoved into his face.

	"There's SAND in my boots."

	As he quietly overturned the boot, Cid mentally reviewed his list of
medications.  They weren't paying him nearly enough to deal with this.

*  *  *  *  *

	"What's in it?" James excitedly asked as he looked down at the
closed box.

	"It must be an Esper!" Jessie cried.  "Let's send it to Giovanni
right away!"

	"What if it's something else, though?"

	"Well, what if we open the box and it gets away?"

	James gasped at the possibility.  "I hadn't thought of that!  Oh,
let's send it right away before we lose it.  The Boss wouldn't be happy
with us at all."

	Jessie nodded.  She held the box aloft, then pressed a button on her
tablet.  The blinking, humming container vanished in a a flash of light.

	"And... check for the Esper," Jessie said proudly as she entered
their catch into the database.

	Behind them, a swirling portal slowly opened.  Its silver and black
surface was nearly opaque, but the occasional hint of what lay beyond
could be seen.  "Where do you think we'll end up next?" James asked, the
hint of girlish terror that he was so practiced with returning to his
voice.

	"I guess we'll find out!" Jessie replied as she shoved him through. 
"Let out a horrified scream if it's not safe!"  She listened for a
moment, then smiled brightly.  "Coming!"

	"Forget it," Edgar muttered as he watched Celes and Locke vanish. 
"I quit.  Gau, you can take care of saving the world from now on."

	"...Gau?"

*  *  *  *  *

	Giovanni's left eyebrow twitched as he eyed the latest acquisition
for Team Rocket, Inc., courtesy of his wayward operatives.  "This...
this..."

	His new secretary peered over his desk at him.  "What is that?"
Ultros asked as he wrote seven simultaneous memos.

	Giovanni gingerly reached out and picked up the animal by its tail. 
"It is... Just A Fish."

	The fish stared blankly back at him.  The head of Team Rocket flung
it across his office, letting out a satisfied snort as it smacked wetly
against the wall and slid down into his wastebasket.  "Keep a good eye
on those two.  A very good eye.  If they don't clean up their act,
they'll learn what the true wrath of Team Rocket is."

	"You want I should send them to deal with... Human Resources?"

	Giovanni nodded.  "Yes.  Should they continue to fail, send them to
Human Resources."

	Ultros shivered.

*  *  *  *  *

Author's notes:

...
...
...

Yes. A Team Rocket/Quantum Leap fusion.  SHUT UP.  This was a joke
between Todd and I some time ago, and I decided the day of the deadline
that, hey, why not, I might as well write it out.  If you enjoyed it,
great!  If you think it's the stupidest thing you've ever read, well,
that makes two of us.  And this is after I wrote The Mighty Angstin' GF
Rangers.

Thanks to Todd and Ard for actually reading through this thing and
offering help/suggestions. You're brave souls.

-Illyria
illyria@redshirts.net

And now, some sample scenes!  Because you demanded them, without even
realizing it!

*  *  *  *  *

	"I'm FLAT!" Jessie screamed as she peered down her shirt.  "This is
HORRIBLE!"

	"What IS this thing on my forehead?" James asked as he scrubbed at
the symbol with the heel of his hand.  "And why do people keep calling
you the Priestess of Suzaku?"

*  *  *  *  *

	"I think that Asuka and I should have matching plugsuits."

	Gendou peered over his glasses at his 'son.'  "...You've turned
weird, Shinji."

*  *  *  *  *

	"I'm very very very very very-"
	
	"-very very very very very very-"
	
	"-very very very very very very-"
	
	"-VERY SCARED!" Squall and Rinoa squealed as they clutched at each
other.
	
	Zell stared blankly at the two.  "...I think Quisty should be the
leader from now on."