I, Koshi Rikudo, hereby allow Excel Saga to become a really badly written game fusion improspamfic chibi-thing. *WHAM* KOSHI RIKUDO *LOADING* It was a bright and happy and sunny spring morning! And everyone was happy because it was graduation! And the author used way too many exclamation points in his opening sentences! But enough of that. Excel Denton, new graduate of the Spector School for People with Too Much Time on Their Hands, skipped on the way out of the ceremony. She was free! FREE! And she even found a job, too! "Ne, Excel, where're you going?" called a random student whose name was far too unimportant to mention. "o/~ YYOOOOOOOOUUUUUU-ENNNNNNNNN-AAAAAAAAAAT-COOOOOOO! o/~" was her response. Off-key, maybe, but so what? She continued skipping across, singing her little four-note tune to anyone who cared, as well as to those who didn't. "o/~ YYOOOOOOOOUUUUUU-ENNNNNNNNN-AAAAAAAAAAT-COOOOOOO! o/~ o/~ YYOOOOOOOOUUUUUU-ENNNNNNNNN-AAAAAAAAAAT-COOOOOOO! o/~" It might not have been the catchiest song, but Excel didn't care. It was all she needed, and it was the most beautiful thing she could think of. The job might not pay well, and she might die, but who cared? The man who interviewed her was HOT! "o/~ YYOOOOOOOOUUUUUU-ENNNNNNNNN-AAaaAAAAaaaaAAt-CoOOOOoooOoOO! o/~" She continued skipping along, until the APC cruiser that was sent to pick her up ran her down and she died. *LOADING* DEUS EXCEL by Lawrence Chu loosely based on situations by Warren Spector/ION Storm/EIDOS Interactive characters are property of Koshi Rikudo. All rights reserved. Don't sue, I'm broke. Don't try to indict me on any drug busts, either, all this whack is purely from caffeine. Really. *LOADING* --New York City, Liberty Island --Time: 03:02:03AM --Date: 21 October, 20XX (two days after the previous scene) --Pot: Inhaled, I've gots me the munchies now The ship docked out on the Southern End of the harbor, and newbie agent Excel (codenamed "XL" because nobody could bother giving her a cooler name) Denton stepped out, and scanned the horizon for her contact, who came up to her almost immediately. "XL-san," Hyatt breathed, since her vocal cords were too busy on vacation somewhere, "It's good to see..." *thud* "AAH!" XL screamed, flapping her arms like a chicken on crack. "My contact's dead! What am I going to--" "...you," Hyatt continued as she stood up again. "I'm supposed to give you your..." *thud* *LOADING* Meanwhile, Doctor Pedro Reyes was inspecting a wounded UNATCO trooper. He was really hoping that this job at UNATCO would help bring his sexy wife and adorable child over to the United States, so that they could be together again. Oh, just the thought of...what was that screaming? He looked down and noticed the troop he was inspecting had a scalpel driven through his gut, apparently thrust in there by himself. "I'm so sorry," Pedro whined. "I didn't mean to do this to you! What am I to do now?!" "My HMO doesn't cover treating scalpel wounds to the gut, so I guess I'll just kick off," said the trooper before he died. Pedro's hands started trembling. A man was dead. Worse, he was the one who killed the man. Even worse, this meant his paycheck might be deducted from! "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" *LOADING* A few minutes later, back on the docks of Liberty Island, Hyatt stood up again. "...assignment. One of our agents is trapped in the Statue of Liberty, and we think an NSF leader is in there, too," Hyatt finished as she handed over a dossier. "Woohoo! I'm on my first assignmentYAAAAAAY!" Excel screamed as she ran off and got killed by an NSF guardian mech. Hyatt died again, but nobody really cared. *thud* *LOADING* "I'll take the RPG!" XL chirped, unaware that she died in the last scene. "Ano...I haven't gotten to that part of the dialogue script yet," Hyatt commented. "Just give it to me!" XL shouted before snatching it and running off. "I believe it's time to die again," whispered Hyatt before shuffling off this mortal coil. *thud* Meanwhile, XL charged up to the entryway of the Statue of Liberty and fired a few rockets at the guardian mech playing sentry. The mech went up in flames, which was expected. The flames landed on crates of TNT, which was NOT expected. Those crates of TNT went up in flames, which was expected. Those flames landed on MORE crates of TNT, which was NOT expected. This continued on, which was expected. Within minutes, Lady Liberty was a pile of rubble, which SHOULD have been expected. Oops. *LOADING* "Rifleriflegimmetherifle!" XL demanded, because the author had the ability to change these things. *thud* "Oh, you're giving me all of these? WAAAAAAAI!" XL X-claimed to the X-treme. "It's time to kick names and take ass!" *LOADING* o/~ La la la, comm officers are the scum of the earth, o/~ o/~ It doesn't matter if one dies, la la la o/~ Koshi Rikudo looked up from his station, where he was monitoring XL's activities. Casually grabbing the fourth wall and yanking it open, he said to the audience, "I apologize for this piece of crap. Lawrence made me do it." *LOADING* Excel decided to take the rear entrance to the Statue of Liberty this time, sneaking in as quietly as possible. "Take THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" After dispatching every single NSF terrorist on the outside of the island, she proceeded to do the same with those in Lady Liberty. *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* *LOADING* While this was going on, a man was busy planning his escape in the basement of the Statue of Liberty, when the sole door to his cell opened. "Give it up, Nabeshin," the man said as he walked into the light. Nabehin looked up and gasped. "It's YOU!" YOU! looked back at Nabeshin and smiled an evil smile of sorts. "So we meet again." He lit a cigarette. "I never thought I'd cross paths with you in this situation." The shadows crossed Nabeshin's face, emphasizing the dark moodiness in his voice, as well as making him look a hell of a lot more dramatic. "How could you do this...?! YOU!...You ought to be ashamed of yourself, don't you know that?!" "The world is changing, Nabeshin," YOU! said matter-of-factly. "And there's nothing we can do about it. After the Grey Death was released, people started dropping left and right." A man fell past the one window in the cell, as if to illustrate the point. YOU! drew another puff from his cigarette. "There's a war starting. Are you sure you're on the right side?" "I can't believe it...how could you do this?! How COULD YOU!?!" "I'm not doing it for my own good," YOU! replied. "Believe me when I say this. But for now, I'll have to leave you here. Your friends are trying to recover you, but I doubt they'll make it. Because of all the gas set to pour into this room, you've only got a few minutes to live, I'm afraid." "DAMN YOU!!" YOU! closed his eyes before exiting the room. The door shut behind him with a *click* that echoed through the cell, followed by the slow but steady hiss coming from the ceiling. *LOADING* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and THIS!" *BLAM* "and...huh?" XL looked around to survey the damage she had caused. Not a creature was stirring, not even a four-eyed nostrum wallaby. This room was fairly intact, unlike the other rooms she had literally blown through. Barging through a door (and setting off the gas trap on it, like she cared) she finally came across her target. YOU! held his hands up and turned around. "Your friend's in there. Go free him if you want...but then you lose me. But if you arrest me, your friend dies. What do you*THUD*" Somewhere out there, bells rang. *DONG* A man hammered open a walnut, shattering its shell. *CRACK* Someone chewed on a Gobstopper. *CRUNCH* Monks stepped on some ceremonial wine grapes, splattering its contents all over the ground. *SPLAT* A stick of dynamite blew open a couple of perfectly round boulders. *KABOOM* None of this had anything to do with the fact that XL bowled YOU! over on her way to the door, sending him flying into the wall and knocking him out. Yanking the door open, she found a note in the cell reading, Sorry I couldn't stay around! HA HA HA *cough* HA HA HA HA! -N. XL spent the next few minutes pondering why the heck someone wrote a cough sound in their note, as UNATCO troops flooded into the Statue. *I had to get some intercom transmission stuff going in your head, just to make sure people know that I can do something like this,* Koshi Rikudo broadcasted to XL's mind. "Roger!" XL chirped back. *And don't chirp. It's annoying.* *LOADING* As everyone walked out, XL found a shiny button and asked herself, "What's this?" *pushKABOOM* The rest of the Statue of Liberty collapsed behind her. Oops. EPISODE 1: I LOOKED DEATH IN THE EYE AND SCREAMED LIKE A WUSS TODAY'S EXPERMENT........FAILED. *LOADING* Author's notes: Blame Demota. ^_^;; He came up with the pun name a while back, and I just thought of a way to turn it into a story (insofar as you can call this a story). And...well, this is it. If you vote for this, not only will I be your friend for life, but I'll buy whatever crack you're smoking off of you too, because it's gotta be strong shit. This was written in two sittings, thirty minutes or so each. Late at night, to be sure. Thanks to ^_-d (The Smiley Formerly Known As Puu) and Dan Wood for initial prereading and to Lurker, Yu-Mei, Rei, Anko, and ^_-d again for final prereading. Thanks for reading. Meanwhile, I'm outta here. ^_^ Lawrence Songs listened to during the writing of this fic: A lot of Bloodhound Gang A lot of Mr. Bungle (particularly Ma Meeshka Mow Skwoz, which was set to loop) Notes to authors: THIS IS CHIBI. Do whatever the hell you want to the story. It matters not if you know jack about Excel Saga, because this fic pretty much sums up what it's like. I think. It matters not if you know jack about Deus Ex, because this fic is more heavily influenced by Excel Saga. (Of course, it'd make the fic a lot more...uh...true to Deus Ex if you've played the game, but what the hell.) Otherwise, have a looksee below. For those unfamiliar with either member of the fusion: DEUS EX is a First-Person shooter/Role Playing game where you play JC Denton, an agent for the United Nations Anti-Terrorist Coalition (UNATCO). The premise of the game is, basically, "what if all those conspiracy theories you hear about are true?" For those of you who are used to Quake and Unreal Tournament and stuff, this game is a refreshing break from the norm and the learning curve isn't TOO steep. I highly recommend it to anyone who has yet to play it. ANYone. This game is seriously excellent, and neither the fic nor this description do it justice. At least give the demo a try. (http://www.deusex.com/) EXCEL SAGA (full name: Strange Experimental Animation Excel Saga) is a story...well, it isn't a story. It's a rabid excuse to make fun of just about every genre of story out there. The supposed premise is that the Secret Underground Organization ACROSS, led by the conglomerate bishounen Il Palazzo, is attempting to take over the world by...doing nothing that has to do with taking over the world. He has his underlings--Excel (who has a mad crush on him) and Hyatt (who he has a mad crush on--yeah, bad grammar, sue me) carry out the assignments. Excel is known for Major Collateral Damage. Hyatt is known for Dying Constantly. The Great Will of the Universe has to come in and reset things several times per episode. A director-avatar called Nabeshin wanders around doing a bunch of stuff and basically being a twink. A foreign construction worker named Pedro sleeps with the Great Will of the Universe (which, incidentally, is a floating blue ball of stars) and is transported into an alternate dimension. And none of this even touches on the roommates next door, or on Koshi Rikudo himself, or on Menchi the Domestic Emergency Meat Ration, or anything else. This is NOT your everyday anime. Check out the Anime Web Turnpike links for more info.