"Not you guys again!" Hecubus groaned as he backed away from the pizzeria. "No matter where I go, it seems you are always there to kick my ass! Though I serve his most supreme evil majesty, Brother Drac, and follow the orders of Dark Priest Shaft, who is one bad mutha, I know that I'm really just a minion sub boss whose job it is to get wasted now and then." "..." Plaz replied. "Might as well get it over with," Hecubus commented as he closed his eyes. "Come on, barbecue me!" "If you say so," Plaz sighed as she (for it was still night) raised her hands and said some quick words in Latin, or some other ancient language, not that it matters. Searing jets of flames proceeded to shoot out of her hands, frying Hecubus as he had so requested. Hecubus, now quite charbroiled, fell over with big X marks in his eyes. Just then Alucard poked his head into the main dining room. "I say, is that not the evil minion of my father known as Man Servant Hecubus, who was given three chances by the Dark Priest Shaft (your damn right!) to slay the young manga artist Yoshitaka Amano so that neither of us would be drawn in an overly girly and/or bishounen manner, but who failed in his task all three times because he follows the teachings of funk *Handjive* and evil that I so reject because my human and vampire sides constantly war at each other though I strive to do good?" Plaz blinked a few times and exclaimed, "That was one of the worst run on sentences I've ever seen!" "Never mind that," Alucard replied, "IS that Hecubus?" "I think so," Plaz answered. "But it will be at least one part until he recovers, so I wouldn't pay too much attention to him." "I see," Alucard responded cautiously. "At any rate, I have completed the painstaking process of baking the extra large anchovy pizza for the customers who sit at table 32, so please bring it to them. Show caution, for this round pseudo-Italian disc of food smells of seafaring creatures." "What?" asked Plaz. Alucard coughed and retorted, "It smells bad." Plaz just stood there and nodded meekly. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Improfanfic Regrettably Presents: Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil Chapter 11: Who's Your Daddy? Do Not Send Death Threats to: Adam Pace Instead, Send Them to: Gaijin Dan Mastriani ------------------------------------------------------------------- Death was not happy. No scratch that. Death was insanely pissed off. Though he had screwed up many, many, many, many times already, the Dark Priest Shaft was still in Death's rightful position as Dracula's right hand man. "This sucks," Death sighed as he took a swig from his bottle of Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whisky. "I've been in every Castlevania game! I've been at the side of Lord Dracula many more times than that upstage! But no, do I ever get a pat on the back? Of course not! It's always, `Death, go kill that Belmont over there while I sit here in my tower and drink blood' or `Death, would you mind stopping my son from claiming his ancestral items so he can't kick my ass' or `Death, take out the trash!' Well, I've just about had it up to here with him! I'm going to march myself into that office and eliminate Shaft once and for all!" With that, Death put aside his booze and with much determination as a skeletal guy like him could have, he marched himself right into Shaft's office, ignoring the crowd of prostitutes at the entrance. Death slammed the door open and yelled, "SHAFT!" "What the hell do you want now, Grimmy?" Shaft asked as he glared back from his desk and once again tossed the hoe from his arms onto the ground. "Are you here to complain about how we're not acting _gothic_ enough? Are you going to sit here and cry because I'm so much more of a player than you? Oh and one more thing: I thought I told everyone that I was not to be disturbed while pimpin' the hoes!" "I don't care! I've had enough of you, Shaft!" Death said, "All you do is party all night, and hire incompetent minions! It doesn't look like you're evilly scheming or coming up with a plan to eliminate Lord Dracula's son. Things were different when I was Lord Dracula's favorite! We used to cause real terror across the countryside! We did lots of evil things. What you're doing isn't even remotely evil!" "Is that so?" Shaft pondered, "If you were such a great second in command, why didn't you ever stop the Belmont from whipping Brother Drac into submission time and time again? I'll have you know that I do have a slammin' plan to stop Alucard and his crew from interfering with Brother Drac's plans to destroy the world. If you would get off your drunken ass and stop sulking, maybe you would have noticed!" "Huh?" Death began in a confused manner. "Tell you what," Shaft replied, "You've been in this biz for a long time, no doubt. I need you to advise an ally of Brother Drac's. Naturally, all expenses paid, and I think you'll find the fringe benefits to be rather nice. I know that you don't dig this whole Disco Infernal scene, so I'll send you to a nice, quiet place." "Really?" Death asked, "It seems I might have misjudged you, Shaft." "Damn right!" Shaft exclaimed. "Here's your plane ticket. Now get the hell out of my office!" ------------------------------------------------------------------- Bob sighed as he gazed out the window of the Greyhound bus that he, Alucard, and Plaz were riding in. "This sucks ass," he commented subtly. "We would have had to go through all of that if you would have just let me whip that stupid door." Alucard gazed over at his protege and said, "Silence, young Belmont. Your great line of ancestors would have never done anything as reckless as whipping a door open. It takes more than a whip to triumph over my father." "What else could there possibly be to vampire hunting than whipping things senseless?" Bob queried curiously. Alucard replied quickly. "Well, your great ancestor Richter Belmont once told me that it would have been far easier to vanquish my father if he had something known as a triple shot so that he could throw three cross shaped boomerangs at once. Although, Richter did have the uncanny ability to item crash, using many hearts to perform a super move. Clearly, you do not have enough hearts to use either, as you have not been whipping light fixtures as much as normal. Those of the Belmont line have always sought after hearts, for which some reason are not required for whipping, but come in handy when you want to use some other item, such as a boomerang, axe, or dagger. Don't ask me why, for there are things even a bishounen half-vampire does not know. What I do know is that when I'm asleep I still dream of your incredibly good looking ancestor Sonia." "Do you ever stop talking?" Bob groaned. Alucard resisted the urge to sweat drop once more and finally answered, "No." He nodded affirmatively and looked over at Plaz, who was staring at him blankly and blushing. "If you don't mind me asking, Plaz, why exactly have you been staring at me pointlessly for five hours?" "..." Plaz sighed. An exclamation point popped out of Bob's head. "Hey, we never found out if or not you are REALLY a guy or not, did we?" "Isn't it obvious!?" Plaz exclaimed angrily, "I thought I told you that I was a..." Plaz's true gender would have been revealed to Alucard and Bob had a large explosion not rocked the Greyhound bus, tipping it over and causing somewhat serious injuries to many innocent and faceless extras. Miraculously, none of our heroes were damaged in the mysterious blast, and made it safely out of the twisted burning hulk that was once their bus as the dust cleared. "What was that?" Bob asked as he eagerly readied his whip. "It appears we have visitors," Alucard commented as he whipped out one of his swords and pointed to a couple of not-so-badass looking figures standing before them. "Not you guys again, I thought you guys would be out of the picture for at least one chapter" Plaz sighed as Hecubus and _Sancho_ appeared in full view. "That's right!" Hecubus replied, "Sancho and I are going to smack you guys around in an evil way, so you best run home to mommy!" "I thought I told you that it was _Sancho_," _Sancho_ corrected. "Oh, sorry," Hecubus said, "Anyway, let's kill these guys!" "Good idea," _Sancho_ agreed. "If it is your wish to be dispatched once again by my leet vampire skeelz, then so be it!" Alucard announced as he charged forward with his sword in hand. "Have at you!" "Hey _Sancho_," Hecubus said as he barely dodged Alucard's blade, "I think we overlooked one thing!" "What is that?" _Sancho_ asked. "I forgot that Brother Drac's son is a badass!" Hecubus managed before Alucard cut him in twine, doing major damage and causing Hecubus to burst into flames and die, even if temporarily. The author is sure someone will bring him back, and that's perfectly cool." "Hey!" Bob exclaimed, "You didn't give me the chance to whip him!" _Sancho_ suddenly laughed evilly. "Fools! Hecubus did not realize this, but at the snap of my finger, countless minions will come out to do my bidding! Once I kill you guys, I'll be the favorite minion of Shaft, and will have access to his selection of concubines!" With that, _Sancho_ snapped his fingers, and a plethora of evil undead minions appeared out of nowhere." "AAACK!" Plaz screamed, "This is even more minions than in Tokyo!" "It would seem that release of the Playstation 2 game console in the United States has enabled game designers to yet again increase the number of enemies drawn on screen," Alucard explained, "This does not bode well for us, but as always, we should fight our best against the odds in the hope that we will defeat this overwhelming evil and stop my father's insidious plot to turn the entire world into one giant disco party!" "Whatever," Bob laughed as he mercilessly began whipping evil undead minions with an insanely maniacal grin on his face. "As long as I go down whipping things! At least I won't have to listen to another one of your long speeches!" "Iyaaaa!" Plaz screamed as a zombie began tugging on her cloak. Plaz smacked the thing over the head with her staff. "Ecchi!" "This is getting ridiculous," Alucard commented aloud as he slashed undead creatures left and right. "Belnades, why aren't you doing anything!?" "That's... oh nevermind! I've already used my Monty Python gag once," Plaz explained. "AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Bob laughed. He was now foaming at the mouth as he whipped everything that he could. "Do SOMETHING!" Alucard exclaimed. "Fine!" Plaz said, "Don't say I didn't warn you! Behold the most super secret spell of the FERNANDEZ family!" Plaz produced a scroll from her pocket and opened it up. After uttering a few nonsense words, and emitting a bunch of special effects, a bright white glow originating from Plaz's body began to cover the surrounding area. Thousands of screams, coming from the undead minions, could be heard as the blinding light engulfed the vicinity. "I say!" Alucard exclaimed, "This is more like it!" "I can't see what I'm whipping!" Bob complained. As the light subsided, Alucard's face suddenly changed from that of utter satisfaction to one of complete horror. "In the name of all that is holy, what have you done!?" "I turned them all into harmless little creatures," Plaz laughed. Bob would have said something like "Great Caesar's Ghost" or perhaps something less lame, if his jaw weren't on the floor. "What's wrong, did I mess up?" Plaz asked. Suddenly from the silence a single voice sounded out. "Pika!" "Oh bloddy hell," Plaz groaned. I said the fifth line BACKWARDS. "Pika!" "Remind me to whip you later," Bob said coldly. "Pika!" "This is most disheartening," Alucard commented. The voices of over 1,000 Pikachu clones filled the air as the dreaded pokemon advanced on our heroes. "Haha!" _Sancho_ laughed, "This isn't what I had in mind, but at least it will do the trick! Pikachu! Thunder shock now!" "I don't think so," a mysterious voice bellowed from atop of a cleverly placed structure that was good only for a dramatic entrance. As everyone looked up, all they saw was an insanely bad ass looking dude in a trench coat standing atop of said structure. His features were nondescript, except for maybe his bad ass glowing eyes, so that his identity would not be revealed. "Who the hell are you?" _Sancho_ asked. "The armies of Count Dracula must be destroyed!" The figure announced. He suddenly held up a flask of holy water in his right hand. A blue aura surrounded him, and his hearts were greatly depleted as he announced his most supremely cool item crash technique. "HYDRO STORM!" Suddenly the skies opened up, and a deluge of glowing holy water rained down from the heavens. The wails of a thousand Pika-clones could be heard as the _Smiting Liquid of Justice_ (TM) utterly destroyed them. "Ahem," _Sancho_ laughed, "As I was saying, I'll be leaving you guys alone now. With that he mysteriously vanished into a red portal." Alucard glared up at the where the mysterious figure had been seconds before, but saw no one. "I say," he said, "The smell of his blood..." Bob looked up at the sky with huge, Bambi-esque teary eyes and cried out, "Dad!?" ------------------------------------------------------------------- Death had to admit that for once, the Dark Priest Shaft, self-proclaimed master of funk *Handjive* and evil had been right for a change. The headquarters of Lord Dracula's secret ally was certainly nice and quiet, save a few random tours. Not only that, but it had its own chef, and he was appointed a few quiet and serious bodyguards. "This is so much nicer than that wretched Disco Infernal," Death commented as he sat on the lawn and sunbathed. Not that it mattered since one can't get a bone tan. Either way, this place was much more diabolical. It was the type of place that Death was used to. "Finally, some peace and quiet. Lord Dracula's ally here is very serious." He smiled happily. "And he is so EVIL!" Death laughed for a bit before he noticed that there was a dog gnawing on his left ankle. "Who might you be?" he asked. "CHECKERS!" an enraged voice screamed out from the balcony, "DAMN YOU CHECKERS! STOP HARASSING LORD DRACULA'S SERVANTS!" "Checkers?" Death sighed, "Quite an interesting name, isn't it mister ... uh, I forgot your name." "Nixon," the other answered evilly, "President Richard Milhouse Nixon." "Evil! Evil! I say!" laughed the author maniacally, for having released the most evil character aside from Brother Drac yet! -Chapter 11 End-----------------------------------------Thank God!- Sorry this part sucked. It would appear that all of my profs have conspired against me and decided to give me tons of tests and quizzes. I'm now convinced that they are somehow allied with Brother Drac! ][ Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil Chapter 11 Results Recap: ][ PLAZ defeated HECUBUS, now at 2W/0L ][ ALUCARD made an ANCHOVIE PIZZA ][ DEATH is fed up with SHAFT ][ BOB thinks RIDING in GREYHOUND BUSSES really SUCKS ASS ][ ALUCARD doesn't stop TALKING ][ ALUCARD defeated HECUBUS, now at 10^99W/0L ][ PLAZ turned UNDEAD MINIONS into PIKACHUS ][ MYSTERIOUS FIGURE defeated _SANCHO_ and PIKACHUS, now at 1W/0L ][ MYSTERIOUS FIGURE may be BOB'S DAD ][ DEATH has teamed up with RICHARD NIXON ][ AUTHOR is CLINICALLY INSANE Adam (ruri@ucsd.edu)