A large red curtain is shown. The middle rustles slightly then parts. _Sancho_ walks out onto the stage. "I," he paused, peering into the camera, "am _Sancho_. Tonight on Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil, a very special thing is about to occur. Not only does _Sancho_ get to read the disclaimer, but we present, for your reading pleasure, our First Annual Halloween Special. "Not only is this a way for the Author to completely ignore all the previous continuity," he paused dramatically, "but it is a way to add a bunch scenes of excessive gore and brutal killings to an already way over the top fic. Any and all children reading this should stop immediately and go read something more descent, like one of the fine selections over at Impro Lemon. I," he paused in an incredibly dramatic fashion, "am _Sancho_." * * * The lights fade up on a seemingly ordinary set. Assorted stars and planets of varying sizes hang suspended from the ceiling in the background. The main stage consists of a large circular platform with a shiny, black stool in the middle. Next to the stool, on a pedestal, an ancient looking tome sits. Creepy music ala The Brady Bunch plays, as the camera zooms in on a figure sitting on the stool. He looks up and begins speaking in a loud and overly dramatic voice. Several grand, expansive gestures are made, none of which seem to match any of the dialogue. "Good-- evening. *sweeping arm movement* Welcometo... Castle *hands on waist, one leg raised overhead* vania- Nine... _teen_, Seventy: [Disco] ofevil. I...... am *arms straight out, head cocked slightly* your... host-- William: Shat... ner!" A caption fades up at the bottom of the screen: WILLIAM SHATNER. "To... night [we] Are *arms flapping like a chicken* going: to-- examine the; world around *hopping on one leg, arms in the 'Little Teapot' position* us." As he continues speaking, he increasing switches his position on the stool. It looks as if his hemorrhoids were acting up. "We... have collect... ed *standing on head, juggling* three... tales-- [of]. ter: ror *laying on the floor, doing the breast stroke* on... this, Halloween... Spe... _cia_..... l. *one foot on his head, pointing at a spot on the floor five feet to his left*" Continuing to look self-important, The Shat, as his contract mandated he be addressed as, eyes the camera as a roller caption reads as follows: ~!@#$%*()_+ Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil Chapter #(Add 1 to the last chapter's number): A Very Special Halloween Special... of EVIL! Written mostly by the computer ELRutt uses as a word processor. Gaijin Dan gets credit for the same thing as last time. WARNING: DO NOT STICK SHARP OBJECTS INTO BODILY ORIFACES. +_)(*&^%#@!~ "On Broadway" plays overly loud in the foreground during the credits and half of the next speech. "_Our_ first... tale IS [that] *cartwheel across the stage* of; mystery. And Ter... ror. It-- takes *crotch grab* _place_ in... A: haunted (house). It is..." The music abruptly ends without any fade out. "......scary. That... is all-- the, Introduc *licking the leg of the stool* _tion_ I... 'm going-- [to] *chin up, shoulders parallel to rectum* give:" The Shat leans back on the stool, oblivious to the fact that stools don't have backs, and pulls out a deli sandwich and commences eating it. The scene slowly fades out to back. The shot of blackness continues for several minutes. After about five minutes have passed, "Bye Bye Bye" by N'Sync begins playing halfway through the song. Once seven notes of the song play, the sound is cut off. Blackness and silence continue for thirteen more minutes. On the fourteenth minute, a faint red blur can be made out in the middle of the screen. Two hours of special CGI effects later, the blur congeals into the title logo of the tale: "The Hill by the Haunted House" A loud crashing noise is heard. The screen erupts into static. * * * Halloween. What damn creepy time of year. Not only does evil lurk in every shadow, there are little children _EVERYWHERE_. They think it is their right to go up to people's houses, without calling in ahead of time, and demanding candy. Annoying little bastards. But this tale is not about them, if it was... well, then I would say it _was_ about them. But it's not. It's about the evil. You know, the stuff lurking in the shadows? Our brave heroes walked in a manly sort of way (except Plaz) down a very well lit street, despite the fact that it was nighttime. "Are we going to go Trick or Treating, tonight?" Bob asked eagerly, as a kid might ask... the same question. "No," Alucard answered _THAT_ question. "We are going to seek lodging in a mysterious house with a hideously mutated keeper who will offer us room and board for free, to give we weary travelers shelter from the rain." As if on cue, a cat flew by their heads, screeching. Off in the distance trashcans could be heard making loud crashing sounds. It also started raining. "In this house we will stay until something weird happens to Plaz. This she will whine about incessantly until we agree to investigate. Soon we shall learn that the house is haunted, and it will be our quest to slay the evil demon haunting said house." He strode off with a great air of bishounenness. "Couldn't we just go to a motel?" Plaz asked from the shelter of the overhang she was currently under that was there for some reason important to the story. Alucard stopped and turned around slowly, his left eyebrow twitching. "No, we can't just go to a motel. What sort of excitement could there be in a motel? The haunted house is where the adventure is! Have you people no sense of dramatic flare? Are plot contrivances completely lost on you? This fic must persevere, and in order to do that we need to keep the reader entertained! Do you want to just fade off into nothingness?" "I want to go Trick or Treating," Bob whined. "No! We are going to the house! That is final!" "But..." Bob whimpered. "Why are you being so mean? We _always_ have to do what you want. When is it our turn? Isn't Bob the main character? I think he should decide what we do." Plaz attempted to reason with the ranting bishounen. "You make the decisions? _YOU_?! You two are imbeciles! You offer the stupidest suggestion I have _ever_ heard! _I_ am the only _experienced_ adventurer! Of course you should do as I say!" Alucard pale faced glowed brightly with anger. Bob broke out into tears. Plaz crouched down next to him and gave him a comforting hug. "It's okay. Alucard doesn't mean it. He's just upset is all." She looked up a glared at him. "Now you apologize this instant!" Alucard snorted smugly. "I am _not_ apologizing. Now get up, we are going." He reached down to get Bob off the ground. Bob adamantly refused to move. "Am I going to have to get violent with you?" Alucard threatened. Flat-out ignoring him, Bob made his demand. "I. Want. To. Trick. Or. Treat." Alucard stared at the supposed destined hero. Several tense minutes passed. Continuing to reassuringly hug Bob, Plaz glared at Alucard. Finally, the half-breed broke the silence. "Fine! We shall go Trick or Treating! Who needs to follow the plot, anyway?" Alucard said with great sarcasm. The sarcasm was completely lost on Bob and Plaz, as they completely went face emotionally and happy danced together in the street. The rain itself faded off, as its dramatic necessity in the part was lost. * * * "Are you sure this plan will work?" "Yes." "Are you sure you're sure?" "Yes." "Really?" "Yes." "Okay." Suddenly, the pointless line of questioning ended, and Hecubus sat back contentedly. Death looked at him nervously. Had he finally accepted the fact that it was a good plan? The questions had gone on for nearly twenty minutes. It had distracted Death to the point where he had difficulty putting on his socks. He looked over at Hecubus. Had Death not known that it was, in fact, Hecubus sitting next to him, he probably wouldn't be able to figure that fact out. As long as Hecubus didn't speak or anything. Hecubus's costume was _THAT_ good. In the correct lighting, no one would be able to tell the difference between him and Alucard. It was almost too perfect. Almost. Death himself had gone with a tasteful ensemble of yellow ears with black tips, a zigzagging yellow tail, a cute yellow kitty cat face with red dots on the cheeks and a big round yellow body. He was incredibly cute for an undead guy. Just when it seemed as if the conversation was over Hecubus spoke. "You mean people will actually give us candy, and all we have to do is knock on their doors?" "Yes." "That is so sweet." * * * Bob finished greasing down his hair and looked at himself in the mirror. Perfect. He looked exactly like him. Smoothing down his golden yellow spandex shirt and his black polyester pants, he put the final touch on the costume. It was a golden plastic pin, the symbol of the United Federation of Planets. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulled out his homemade communicator device. "Captain's Log, Stardate 54569821.765 remainder 2, I have been taken to a strange planet, infested with... odd creatures. Their... only intent is to... take candy from those... living around them. I... have decided... to disguise myself... as one of... them in... order... to-" "That has to be one of the worst Captain Kirk impressions I've ever seen. Where's the random punctuation and odd word accents. All you do is pause periodically. Do you even _watch_ the show?" Plaz teased in that way that girls tease guys who they probably like but won't tell him that because it would be too easy and might actually lead to something as opposed to causing the guy great angst cause he thinks she doesn't like him and stays to afraid to ever ask her out and also she acts like such a bitch when her friends are around... Uh, the narration seems to have wandered off topic a bit. My apologies. "What do you mean, do I _watch_ the show? I _LOVE_ that show. I'm thinking of starting a Star Trek fan club. We could call ourselves... Trekkers," Bob eluded to future events cause, you know, in theory this story is based in 1970, despite the fact that there are AOL CDs and Pikachu costumes. "You're such a dork." Bob's ego lost 3 points. "But what do you think of my costume?" Looking up and down her body, Bob took note of what she was wearing. That and he got a massive nosebleed. She had on a gray tunic and gray pants. On her chest, she had the emblem of an eagle. Her hair had been dyed red. "So, what are you supposed to be?" "I..." she paused to let the pronoun sink in, "am Joan of Ark." "Joanna who?" "Joan of Ark." "Arky what?" "Shut up." She looked at him sternly. "I know you know who she is." "How do you know?" "_Everyone_ knows who she is." "That is an incredibly prejudiced generalization and I can't believe you would say such a thing," he admonished, shaking the Finger of Shame at her. "... what?" Alucard decided now was the time to stroll casually through the room. He paused and almost made an unbishounen like expression. "You two are... seriously going to go trick or treating?" "Yeah." "Of course." "I... okay. Do you even know what Halloween is a celebration of?" Alucard entered exposition mode once again. Bob and Plaz sat down together and waited till it was over. "Halloween, or All Hallows Eve, is a pagan holiday commemorating the spirits rising from beyond the grave and walking the earth for one whole night. It was celebrated by a series of sacrifices and massive wet, nasty orgies that were nothing more than a pile of arms and legs waving about in uncontrollable fits of pleasure. Juices flowed freely from every conceivable orifice. The ladies would start out by-" * * * SCENE EDITED FOR CONTENT * * * "-and then they'd need a special lotion to cram it all back in again." Alucard stopped at what appeared to be the end of the story. Plaz and Bob stared blankly at him, their brains leaking slowly out of their ears. * * * Note from the Author: The preceding story of Halloween is entirely a work a fiction spawned out of my tiny little mind. Please do not take any of the facts to heart and spam me as a result. I will be forced to taunt you and defecate in your shoes. Have a nice day. * * * "So where's you costume?" Bob asked as if nothing happened. Alucard looked at him sternly. He then turned to look sternly at Plaz who was currently humping his leg. "I am not- get off me, you androgynous freak! *WHAP* -going to wear a costume. The very idea of this holiday makes me sick. I will not con-" He paused as a sheet was thrown over his head. "... What are you doing?" "I'm making you a costume. Hold still." Bob measured things like he knew what he was doing with a roll of measuring tape. "Have you been ignoring everything I have said for the past twenty seven minutes?" No response. "What am I supposed to be, anyway? A table?" "No silly, you're a ghost." Bob cut out eyeholes in the sheet. "A very cute ghost," Plaz added, rubbing the lump on her head. Looking in the mirror, Alucard remarked, "I look like a Klan member." * * * "Are you sure this is the right house?" "What do you mean, 'right house'? This is a house. Every house is supposed to give out candy. Just shut up and let me do the talking." Deathachu reached up and rang the doorbell. Slowly, like something dramatic was going to happen, the door opened. A set of eyeballs imbedded in a man's skull peered out of the threshold. "Um, excuse us, sir, but we were just wondering if, this being the holiday season and all, if you'd be willing to part with-" "You're Trick or Treaters, right?" "Yes sir, how did you know?" The man looked at Pikadeath oddly and reached down to his bucket of candy. "Why don't you say trick or treat like everyone else?" Deathapikadeath was taken aback by this. He and Hecubucard stepped off the mans porch to confer on the driveway. After several minutes deliberation, they returned to the porch. "Sir, we have considered your proposal and find the terms to be acceptable." Achudeathpikapika looked over at Alubus and together, they silently counted. 1... 2... 3! "Trick or Treat," they said together in a monotone one might use to read the phone book to a bunch of Reporters at the Republican National Convention. "Nice," Joe Randomdoorgreeter commented as he threw a handful of [INSERT OBVIOUS PRODUCT PLACEMENT HERE] into their sacks. The two evil type dudes thanked the man and left on their merry way. "Freaks." * * * "Oh look, a house!" "There are houses all over this street." Bob ignored Alucard's comment and proposed a line of action, "Let's go knock on the door!" "Greetings, fellow Trick or Treaters!" The group turned around much in the manner that groups turn around like when confronted by an outside source. "Pikachu!" Plaz exclaimed. "Alucard!" Bob exclaimed. "You guys are totally incompetent," Alucard snorted and snuffled indignantly. "These two are obviously Hecubus and Death in disguise." "No we're not!" the Alucard double replied nervously. The Pikachu looked slightly distraught. "Why did you mention my name second? I am a more powerful than he is! I should be mentioned first!" "You're right! It _is_ Hecubus and Death!" Bob exclaimed for the third time this chapter. "It's _Death_ then Hecubus! Come on, I'm third in command!" the Pikachu whined. "Do you guys want to go trick or treating with us?" Plaz interjected while glomping onto the duplicate Alucard. "Trick or Treat with the good guys?" Hecualubusucard wheezed to himself from within the mighty grasp. "Whatever," Alucard commented. "I don't really care anymore. It's not like you people give a rat's ass what I think, anyway. None of you have _any_ idea what makes a good story." Everyone looked at each other and unanimously decided to ignore Alucard. They all went off together to trick or treak. And there was much rejoicing. * * * Shaft looked out the window of the haunted mansion for the fiftieth time that night. Groaning loudly, he turned back to Dracula. "Weren't the heroes supposed to be here by now? We go out of our way to design and build a haunted house and they don't even show up? Where is their sense of dramatic flare? This whole this sickens me. That's it, I am not going to be in anymore holiday specials. They can just find a different damn villain." Dracula looked up from the young virgin in his arms. "Shaft, shut up and come back to the orgy. The sacrifices are getting cold." Sighing heavily, he picked up a nearby nubile and proceeded to- * * * SCENE EDITED FOR CONTENT * * * -and when he finished he removed his fingers from inside and dropped the pale naked form to the floor. The scene fades out abruptly and The Shat is once again shown sitting on his stool. "That: is [the] *patting his head and rubbing his tummy* end... OF our-" *BANG!* A gunshot sound effect is made, accompanied by a gun being fired. His crumpled form drops to the floor. Bleeding profusely on the carpet, The Shat looks up into the face of his assailant. His identity is immediately recognized. "KHAN!!!" The genetically engineered titan walks out onto the set. "Yes, dear captain, unto the last, my triumph over you is complete." He then poses powerfully as if what he just said made any sense. "Dammit, Scotty: I-- _need_ [a] Band... aid!" A Scottish voice calls from out of shot. "I just can't do it captain, I'm too fat to get out of my chair!" "Bones. Help... me; I've [been] SHOT!" A hollow echo from beyond the grave fills the studio. "It's worse than that, I'm dead Jim!" "For all is lost, my victory has fulfilled the eternal night of day!" Khan poses more, still thinking he was quoting Shakespeare and being cool. *BOONG!* "Boong?!" Thousands of voices ring out as one. Sorry, I mean *BANG!* A gun goes off as is its wont. Khan drops to the floor, a trickle of corn syrup running down his forehead. Patrick Stewart walks out onto the set holding a smoking gun. "God, I hate that asshole. Why can't we have a _real_ actor play the villain." He looks down and notices The Shat's dying form. "Kirk! Don't worry I will have you beamed to the medical lab immediately!" "No; *cough cough* We _don't_ have time... for [cheesy] *cough, shadow puppets* special effects..." His bad acting was obviously fading fast. "!You. must: [carry] ON-- with (the) narra; tion." He died immediately. Kirk? KIRK! No! And I so wanted to ask you questions only a total Star Trek Fanatic would understand..." Patrick solemnly looked up into the camera. "That is the end of our tale. I hope you enjoyed the show. Good night." As he begins to walk off the set, a young, pimply-faced go-fer runs up to him. He stops and backs up a bit when he notices the gun and the dead guys. "Uh... Mr. Stewart? The special was supposed to have three stories. That was only the first one." "Do we have another story to show?" The go-fer paused to ponder this. Voices offstage prompted him. "No." "No!" "No, say 'no'." "It's no!" He looked up confused. "...Yes?" Simultaneous facepalming could be heard through out the video. Patrick Stewart shot the boy. "Fine. If you want to fill in the rest of the show, why don't you show that new music video?" A voice off camera said, "That's a good idea!" "Of course it's a good idea; I'm Patrick Stewart. Now where is my sandwich?" And from on high, a sandwich was lowered to the set. And the Stewart did eat. And the author said this is good. And there was much rejoicing. * * * A foggy country road is shown as a drumbeat plays in the background. Simple at first, the beat gets increasingly intense. Soon a guitar joins in with a bass guitar, together they play a light melodic rhythm. A figure appears out of the mist dressed in tight, leather pants with a vest that is unbuttoned to reveal his pale, manly chest. Long white hair is formed into a trihawk on his head. It is shaped so perfectly, that even a certain blue hedgehog would develop inferiority issues in its presence. He opens his eyes and grins at the camera. Inside the mouth, the lights glints majestically of a set of overly-developed canines. Alucard looks around him and begins to sing. "o/~ I am but a vampire's son A Half-breed born of the evil one I slay things and I kill them too I fight on forever My worries shall be few o/~" The scene changes to a band playing in a dungeon. The music picks up intensity and much headbanging ensues. As the next verse starts quick flashes of different battles between Alucard and the Forces of Funk *handjive* and Evil! "o/~ With my mighty sword in hand I battle the badness of the earth Stab, slash, poke, thrust, parry, eject It's all the same to me As long as the bastards die I like I could fly o/~ He looks up towards the sky and begins to fly over a field of packaged foods. A single tear rolls down Alucard's face. 'o/~ Soaring over the land up high Crazy disco, techno lights in my hair The suffering makes me want to weep Even nature is not safe from the pain o/~" His trihawk fades in and out in a rainbow of colors. A baby sea lion rots on an overcast beach. Its face is chewed all chewed off. "o/~ Living life with out a home Doing what you can to get by Forgotten on in the gutter o/~" Rain falls on a dark alley. Boxes pile up on the sides. The dead sea lion sits in the middle. A homeless person walks by, picks it up, and bites off its head. Plaz is shown with sparkles in her eyes. A picture of Alucard without a shirt floats before her. "o/~ How can you claim to love me? How can you claim to know what I've known? The many things I've fought and won Are available on laser disk in the lobby o/~" A smiling lady behind a counter talks with an eager looking young man and his playful daughter. He purchases the Disco of Evil Album. "o/~ In the lobby You can buy great stuff in the lobby o/~" Shots of items available for purchase are shown during a long musical interlude. After seventeen minutes, Alucard is shown standing on alone in the desert. He is wearing a Disco of Evil T-shirt. "o/~ Traveling on an endless journey Breeze blowing back my hair I'm told I'd make quite a pretty girl Just add lipstick and a dress o/~" He runs through a field with blooming flowers and bunnies hopping around kawaiily. He is dressed in a frilly pink fuku also bearing the Disco of Evil logo. Everything erupts into flames and he looks around sadly. The big pink bow in his hair droops appropriately. "o/~ Where have all the flowers gone? Where are all the trees? o/~" He turns around slowly and notices another field exactly like the one he was in. "o/~ Oh hold on, never mind They're over there, I forgot o/~" The camera zooms in on his face and he puts on a pair of Disco of Evil sunglasses. Zooming back out, the camera reveals he is now walking the red carpet ala an awards show. Beautiful, large breasted woman with low self-esteem throw themselves at his feet. He laughs. "o/~ Everyone only likes the way I look The image of coolness I project You know you are annoying me Why can't you love the beast inside? Can't you find someone who deserves your praise? Your kind makes me sick o/~" Pulling out his sword, he brutally hacks everyone in shot to death. Excessive amounts of blood and gore fly out in all directions. The scene shift back to the foggy road. A burning city can be seen in the distance. "o/~ Distant flames are calling me Eternal night and stuff Blackness, darkness everywhere Why can't you turn on the light? o/~" A beautiful, young lady sitting in a chair is shown looking sad in her dark house. "o/~ What, you say the power's out? Call the power company Have them send a guy to help Bring you out of this misery o/~" She gets up and goes to her door. Alucard is there, wearing a blue work suit with the official Disco of Evil logo on the back. He smiles happily and tries to look important by experimentally fiddling with a nearby light switch. After a few seconds, the lights come on and the lady hugs him. He kisses her passionately. The camera turns towards the window and the rain falling outside. "o/~ And so the sorrow rains downward My hunger eternally aches I cannot remain with you, my love My quest will forever last Unto the dawn, I must fight on Lest the powers of evil be forced to wait o/~" A hamster runs past Alucard's foot in a hamsterball. He is currently cooking breakfast, wearing an apron that reads: "Kiss The Cursed half-breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil". When he finishes preparing breakfast, he turns around and sets the plate of waffles on the table. He looks at the camera and almost whispers the last line. "o/~ Tequila o/~" The camera irises out to the Disco of Evil hat on his head. ~!@#$%&*()_+ Author's Notes: I am not going to try and explain this, since it defies explanation. Thanks go to Rags for prereading. At least I think he'll preread. I am writing this Author's Notes before sending to him, but eh. *shrug* +_)(*&^%$#@! "So, what'd you guys think of my music video?" Alucard stopped the video and looked over at Bob and Plaz sitting dumbfounded on the couch. They both just stared blankly at him. "... What?"