Hecubus and Shaft went to the ex-Right hand man's office. Outside the
door, a man was changing the lettering from cool gold embosed letters
Saying "Shaft--One Bad Mutha (shut your mouth)" to "Mary--Right Hand
Person". Inside, Shaft had already begun to pack up his things for the
move to a cubicle down in the Disco of Evil's Office Complex of Evil. 

"Hecubus," Shaft said, "I need your help." 

Looking around at the new decor in the office (as Mary had already
started moving in) Hecubus commented, "no shit." 

"I have to be the Right Hand Man of Funk (handjive) and Evil." 

"What do you need me to do, Shaft-Baby," Hecubus said, sifting through
the drawers of the desk. 

"Kill Mary." 

"Yeah, sure Shaft," Hecubus said as he found a copy of Playboy hudden
under some papers. He hid the magazine under his shirt. "I can't even
kill that Amano kid." 

At the sound of Amano's name, Shaft broke into tears. "Don't say that
name. That is the cause of all this trouble." 

Hecubus went over to console the crying Black Priest. "Yeah, okay." 

Shaft wandered over to the Hand Polished Oak Desk of Funk (handjive) and
Evil. He grabbed a tissue and dabbed his eyes. "Will you kill her?" 

"Yeah, I guess. But I need something to do it." 

"What? Anything!" Shaft said. 

"Can you get me a set of keys for Disco Infernal?" 

********** 

Improfanfic leaves the room in disgust over: 

Castlevania 1970: The Disco of Evil 

Chapter 23: Absoulte Randomness and Incoherence 

Written by Mike "Darkmoon" Finkelstein when he should have been paying
attention in class. 

And this is all thanx to Gaijin Dan Mastriani, may he live in eternal
fear of this monstrosity.

********** 

Alucard stood in front of the mirror applying makeup. He had been there
for the last 8 hours. 

"No, Alucard, not so much base," Plaz, currently in female form, said. 

BAM! 

They both looked up as Bob ran into the room. They looked confused until
a group of Red Skeletons shambled into the room. Bob whipped at them
again, and they broke apart. Soon, though, they came toegther again and
started to shamble after Bob. 

"HELP!" Bob said. 

Alucard went back to his makeup. "I can't fight evil until I look good."

"Get over it, Alucard," Bob said as he whipped again. "We have trouble
here." 

Plaz stood up and started moving her hands. Soon, a great amount of
magical energy had built up in the room, which Plaz used to cast a
spell. 

And suddenly, the skeletons were... still there. It was Plaz that had
changed, although only she knew it. 

"Shiiiiit," Bob said as he whipped the wall and ran out the new opening
and out into the parking lot. 

Alucard, finally happy with his makeup, gathered up his overnight bag
and followed the fleeing Belmont. 

Plaz was the last to leave as she was distracted by something very
important. 

Oh, and there was the skeletons who had gone to the fridge and were
munching on day old pizza. 

********** 

Death looked up form his work. 3 days straight now he had been chopping
wheat. 

"Okay, dead-guy-thing," The elderly Belmont farmer said, "that's
enough." The farmer then motioned for Death to follow him. 

Death gathered his cloak around him and followed the farmer to the barn.

Inside, the Belmont showed Death a small sickle he had stashed in a lead
lined lockbox. 

"I know who you are, Death," the Belmont said. 

Death looked at the sickle. It was one he had lost back in 1930 during
the previously unreleased game "Castlevania 1930: The Speakeasy of
Evil." 

"You... You're..." 

"That's right," the farmer said, "I am Billy Joe Belmont, the only
Belmont musician. I made a promise to you back then..." And the belmont
trailed off as a Flashback kicked in. 

***** Flashback ***** 

The time was 1930. The place was Chicago. Billy Joe Belmont had given up
the vampire hunting a year before to follow his dream of being a jazz
pianist. And he had been good. Too good in fact... 

It was during this time that Dracula and his band of Swing and Evil had
moved into Chicago from Castlevania to try and break into the blossoming
Music industry, where Death and Shaft (at that time working together)
had said the greatest evil lay. So, the band of Swing and Evil had taken
over the jazz clubs of Chicago and set up "The Swing Hall Infernal." And
it had put Billy Joe out of business. 

So, Billy Joe had set down his piano (which was actaully quite
heavy--being a travelling pianist had its drawbacks) and traded it for a
whip. And he had gone to the Swing Hall Infernal... And had lost. His
left arm had been mangled by Shaft, the Dark Swinger, thus ruining his
chances of ever being a famous jazz pianist. 

At this same time, Shaft had been working behind Death's back and had
actually cullied all of Dracula, The Master of Swing and Evil. His plan
to rule the Moonshine business, had been a success. And suddenly, Death
was the 3rd in command of the Empire of Swing and Evil. Dracula ignored
him, and Death got no love from teh Swinging ladies. 

So Death and Billy Joe, for different reasons, had gone and gotten drunk
on Moonshine. And, as luck (and this writter) would have it, they got
drunk at the same Moonshine Distillery. And Death had told Billy Joe
about his dream of being noticed by Dracula again. And Billy Joe had
told Death about his dream of being a jazz pianist. 

And Death, in his drunken stupor, got an idea. He would help the
Belmont, and the Belmont would help Death. So, Death gave the Belmont a
magical sickle. The sickle had the power to destroy Dracula, the Master
of Swing and Evil, and send him back to Castlevania until Shaft
ressurected him again. And while this wouldn't help Billy Joe play
again, Billy Joe would have fulfilled his Family's Quest, which would
give the Belmont a sense of honor and fulfillment. Well, the Belmont had
taken the sickle, and then passed out from too much moonshine. 

And when he woke the next morning (with a rather nasty headache) he went
to the Swing Hall Infernal and destroyed Dracula with the help of the
magic scythe. And, standing on a hillside, watching the Swing Hall
crumble, the Belmont had made a promise to Death. One day, he would get
the Collector of Souls (aka Death) noticed by Dracula. 

***** End Flashback***** 

Death came out of his Flashback induced stupor. "Billy Joe." 

"Yes, my drinking buddy," the elderly Belmont said. "And I am going to
fulfill my promise. I have been following the story online for the last
couple months, and I know what you must do." 

Death looked up from the magical sickle (although it actually wasn't
magical--it was actaully a gag sickle Shaft had given Death as a present
in 1910--the sickle turned peoples hands green--Death was actually
surprised it had destroyed Dracula at all). "What?" 

"You must destroy Shaft." 

"Oh," Death said rather sarcastically, "is THAT all... Well, thanks a
whole bunch." 

"No problem my friend," the Belmont said as he put the sickle away. 

And when the Belmont's back was turned, Death quickly ran away as only
an animated bag of bones can. 

When the Belmont looked up, Death was gone. And that was when the
Belmont shapechanged into... Mary, the Right Hand Person of Funk
(handjive) and Evil. She walked past the body of the real Billy Joe
Belmont (who she had killed an hour earlier), and got into her Limo of
Evil. 

Billy Joe actually had a plan to gain Death favor with Dracula. That was
why Mary had killed him. Now there was nothing to stop her from ruling
the Disco Infernal... After she killed Dracula, that was. 

********** 

Bob, Alucard (the makeup wearing half vampire/half human son of the now
rather butch Dracula, who's human and vampire sides eternally war with
each other, and who struggles to do good in the face of the now poorly
drawn face of evil), Plaz (who for some reason kept
touching--ack!--herself), and Heccubus (who had just come back from the
Office Complex of Evil) sat in the Parking lot and watched as the Red
Skeletons raided their fridge. 

"I got the keys," Heccubus said and they gathered around their newly
acquired Good Humor Mobile (aka the Half Vampire/Half Human... yada yada
yada... Mobile Mark II). 

"How," Plaz said, as she touched herself again. 

"Would you stop doing that!" Alucard said as he checked his face in a
compact. 

"I got them from Shaft," Heccubus said. 

"Good," Alucard said. "Now we can stop my father and his plan to rule
the world through Disco, Funk, (handjive), and Evil. But first, we must
find that Amano brat and get my looks fixed." 

All four gathered in the Good Humor Mobile and drove off to Japan,
ignoring the fact that Japan lay on the other side of a very big body of
water. 

And the skeletons, having feasted well, wandered into the living room
and watched some Skinimax. 

********** 

Amano had just finished his application for the At Home Art Degree
(founded by the Sally Struthers Perservation Society). If his hand
wouldn't work, he were learn to make it work... 

********** 

Dracula looked in the mirror. Something was wrong. He looked...
Terrible. Like something drawn by a first year college student. 

"AMAAAAANOOOOOO!" Dracula yelled as his mirror cracked. 

********** 

Will Mary remain the Right Hand Person of Funk (handjive) and Evil? Will
Heccubus really kill Mary? Will Shaft have to push papers? Will Plaz stop
touching herself? Will Alucard find a base that works with his skin
tone? Is the elderly Belmont really dead? And what was his plan for
Death? What is going on with Amano? Will he get an at home art degree?
And what will Dracula have to say about it? These and many quetions will
probably never be answered, but who cares, right? 

********** 

_Sancho_ looked around. He couldn't believe that he, _Sancho_, hadn't
apeared in the story until just now. 

And, just as quickly, _Sancho's_ part in the story was over. 

********** 

Author's Notes: Well, this was interesting. I was trying to tie up some
loose ends with this chapter, but things got rather screwed up in the
end. Oh well, that's is what on-going stories are for. Oh, and I take no
responsibility for any problems with the content, humor, or anacronisms
in this chapter. The little voice in my head told me to do it.
--Darkmoon