It was dark, and Yoshitaka Amano was fumbling for his keys. He bit back a curse as the metal objects fell from his hand yet again. Resting his head against the door in frustration, he peered darkly at the offending appendage. It had become harder and harder for him to get his no- longer-magic hand to do anything. Three jobs and school weren't helping any. If he couldn't get the money for the Master Librarian soon... He would fall on the floor. Or rather, if someone were to open the door he was leaning on, he would fall on the floor. And they did, and he did. And it hurt. "Ow... what the hell?" "Watch your language, young man! And what do you think you're doing prowling around the house all hours of the night?" His mother frowned. "Nothing. Just let me go to bed, already." Yoshitaka hefted himself off the ground, kicked off his shoes, and stalked into the house. The woman turned after him, her serious expression compromised by the rollers, cold cream and pink fuzzy slippers she wore. "Yoshi-chan--" "Dammit, I said to never call me that!" He ran to his room and slammed the door. "But..." His mother lifted an arm uselessly, then let it drop to her side. Her son was growing more distant every day... * * * | IMPROFANFIC PRESENTS... | | Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil | | Episode Twenty Seven: | A Mother Scorned: The Mariko Amano Story | | Original Concept by Gaijin Dan Mastriani | Produced by Gainax | Directed by Erin Ellis | | Starring Meredith Baxter Birney as Mariko, | a mother who wants her baby back | | Also starring Eric Roberts as Ryuusuke, | a father who spends most of his time | working at the Sony factory | | Featuring Brice Beckham as Yoshitaka, | a boy who just wants money to buy back | his magic hand | and regain his swank job at Konami | | And Steve Harvey as the Dark Priest Shaft | "What is this crap?!" Shaft angrily punched at the remote control, switching off the ABC made-for-TV movie. "The story didn't happen like that. I was there, I should know, right?" No one answered, since he was in an empty room. "Plus, there is no way that my ass is as big as Steve Harvey's." * * * Alucard. The name brings to mind 'Dracula's cursed half-breed son whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil' to some, a 'tall and impressively cos-played semi-undead bishounen with a really cool cape' to others, and 'a brand new pokemon' to a couple soccer moms who weren't paying attention. What 'Alucard' brought to Dracula's mind right now wasn't much of anything, at present. Since becoming a 'manly' man, the Prince of Darkness had found a new zest for life, as it was. He'd been spending time climbing mountains, lifting cars, and generally walking around shirtless; all things he had felt discouraged from doing in his previous, willowy body. Completely unrelated to Dracula's feelings were those of Death. Yes, Death has feelings too, even if no one cares about them. Death's feelings were those of frustration. Why now? Well, let us take a glimpse into Death's past, about twenty minutes ago. * * * "You fool! What do you think you're doing? Your fury steed is burning all my crops!" The old Belmont whipped him a couple more times. * * * Anyway, Death was fired, even though Farmer Belmont had forced him to start working in the first place. Technically, Death told himself, he had quit himself, but that was only after Belmont had threatened him with a thorn whipping if he didn't get off the property in the next five seconds. That wasn't very nice, in Death's opinion. Now what was he supposed to do? Death didn't even have lips to play the harmonica and earn pennies on the street. Plus, stray dogs kept running away with various limbs. No, he was definitely an indoor Death. It was fate... he would have to go back to Dracula. How humiliating! Wait. He didn't have to go back and bow and scrape for his job back. Dracula would beg to hire him again. For the first time in a long time, a grin crept across his skull. * * * "Alucard!" Bob Belmont slowed to a stop, taking a chance to catch his breath after chasing the apparently berserk Alucard through the halls of Konami headquarters. "Man.. I'm never going to find him..." Bob wasn't quite sure why the half-vampire had started raging in the first place. What was so hot about being bishounen, anyway? "How could you even -think- such a thing?" Alucard exclaimed, aghast. "The bishounen is everything good in life. It is the beauty in everything, living, dead, or undead, reflected from the hearts of you normal people onto the faces of people like me. It is long, flowing hair, and elegantly slanted eyes, pointed chins and long legs, perfect lips and arched backs and--" "WHOA! -Way- too much information there, Al." Bob shook his head, trying to clear whatever vile images he happened to find there. For a brief, inexplicable moment, he had a flash of his great great great great great great great great great grandfather Richter. With a thud, he dropped to a fetal position on the ground. "Young Belmont?" Alucard nudged the boy with his toe. "Come now, this is no time to be, how do you say, lying down on the job? Except that technically we have not been at work for any purpose in particular; yes, I have been searching for character designer and previous savee of mine, Yoshitaka Amano, here at his place of business, but as I have crashed through a great many walls and run through several passageways, I suspect that Amano is not present at the Konami headquarters at this time. That is quite a pity, because I, being the cursed half-breed son of Dracula, whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, actually succeed in my struggles against Dracula in great part because of the angsty brooding supplicated by bishounen good looks." "Hey, Alucard, you seem better." Plaz conveniently appeared. "Ah yes, well, I realized that I was getting little done by way of berserker rage; none of the walls or people I destroyed seemed to be getting me any closer to vengance against the person I seek, the one who has done this great evil unto me -- Yoshitaka Amano. I didn't find my father either, and he's probably behind this for some reason or another, if only because he is the main villain of this story, and thusly everything even somewhat bad that happens must eventually lead back to him. Plus, the bishounen is more than just a physical presence, it is a mindset (even though the physical aspects are a quite important factor), and running about, screaming and destroying things haphazardly is not a good oof." "Oof?" Plaz asked, turning from where he had moved to examine a particularly exciting piece of floor tile. He was then examining a foot, as someone drop kicked him in the head. "Oof," Plaz said, falling to the ground. The woman straightened and gave a fierce battle cry. She was Japanese, sturdily built and well muscled, dressed in a sleeveless shiny red spandex and black vinyl outfit and cropped, bleach-blonde hair. She had a wide, open face, and actually looked a lot like a man. "I am female wrestler Nagayo Chigusa," she stated. "Anyone who further interferes with Dracula's affairs will have to deal with the Gaea Girls!" Two other girls in similar jumpsuits (Satomura in the blue, and Takeuchi in the green) appeared behind her. Nagayo fought the urge to pose, sentai- like, remembering that that gag had already been done in this series. "Nagayo-sempai?" At the woman's nod, Takeuchi and Satomura (who looked considerably more feminine) grabbed Alucard, Plaz and Bob, and disappeared through a convenient plot device. Nagayo smiled, and disappeared as well. * * * /IMAGE CATCH/ Dracula and Alucard's Circumstances Episode Twenty Seven point Five: Alucard-Mama no Oha Rock Not for Sale or Rent * * * [BGM: A peppy semi-martial theme] [File footage of scenes of Tokyo; beginning with the skyline and various buildings, changing to a suburban neighborhood and school] MALE VO: Since the beginning, CastleVania has been a blending of the classic horror movies, by putting Count Dracula at the head of the pack, and having other monsters serve as bosses (Frankenstein, The Mummy Man, etc.) Vampires have been part of lore and legends throughout history. However, they were first made popular through Bram Stoker's Dracula, written in 1897. Yet how well does Bram Stoker's story fit into the CastleVania lineage? [Screenshots of various Castlevania games] MALE VO: In all of the CastleVania games, the hero kills Dracula simply by repeated whips. This does not seem possible. In the lore it is said that, first, a stake must be driven into the heart of the vampire. Then, there are two methods to make sure that the vampire stays dead: (1) cut off the vampire's head, stuff the mouth with garlic and put it face down, or (2) throw the vampire, in its coffin, and sink it to the bottom of a body of water. This is where the mystical blood of the Belmont family comes in, allowing them to kill the vampire without the use of the methods above. A spiritual Good vs. Evil, if you will. [Footage of Alucard fighting and otherwise being Alucard-like] MALE VO: Adrian Farenheights Tepes, aka Alucard, has made it his life's purpose to war with the great vampire Dracula, of whom he is the cursed half-breed son whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, defeating him so that the very world might be spared from eternal darkness and damnation under his cruel and evil rule. [Still of Dracula evilly planning to encase the world in darkness] MALE VO: Being half-human and posessing an affinity for the vampire- hunting Belmont clan, Alucard has successfully aided the Belmonts in foiling his father's evil schemes for the past six or so centuries. [Shot of Alucard and various Belmonts high-fiving; preferably SD] MALE VO: In Spring 1970, Dracula rose again, aiming to not only enslave the world through disco, funk and *handjive* evil, but to eliminate Japanese character designer Yoshitaka Amano. [Clip from chapter one] // Dracula stirred in his throne, thinking deeply. // "I wish...for you to kill Yoshitaka Amano. His // drawings make me look like a girl." [Footage from introductory fights with Bob and Plaz] MALE VO: However, the forces of good did not rest during all of this; Alucard made his acquaintance of one Robert 'Bob' Belmont, latest heir to the Belmont vampire-whipping legacy, and one Placida 'Plaz' Relm Calli Fernandez, genderly-confused descendant of Sylpha Belnades. The threesome proceeded to have many adventures, involving such diverse things as scorned girlfriends, accounting ninjas, the Church of Scientology, various cast members of Star Trek, and the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile. [Footage from various Dracula, Shaft, Death and Hecubus interactions] MALE VO: The efforts of our protagonists have kept Dracula from being victorious, for the most part. Death quit the evil band, and Hecubus & Shaft both went through rocky relationships with Disco Infernal management. Still, through a clever plan of stopping payment on Amano's credit card, Amano has become both indebted to the Master Librarian and unable to further draw with his magic hand. [Still of entire cast; preferably SD] Enamoured of his new, manly body, Dracula has taken up body building, and can now get back to his plan of enslaving humanity. Alucard, very unenamoured of his new, manly body, went insane until being captured by a roving band of female wrestlers. Amano has taken several extra forms of employment, perhaps including selling poorly drawn and conceived porn doujinshi on the street under an assumed name. Which was all very well, except... * * * /IMAGE CATCH/ Dracula and Alucard's Circumstances Episode Twenty-Seven point Eight Nine Six: And Then We Ran Out of Money Not for Sale or Rent (Really!) * * * [BGM: Um... You're smart, think of something.] [A field. You know this because the white background has a happy yellow sun and green grass drawn in child-like marker. This background probably won't change, so don't wait for it to.] [Simple, SD drawings of the Gaea Girls attached to Popsicle sticks "walk" across the "field" to where a similarly drawn/sticked Farmer Death stands.] DEATH: Yo! [Death seems in good spirits. . . . Script format will end now, because it's annoying. Just pretend that you see little cutouts running around the screen. Unless you think that's just overly lame, and the KareKano thing has gone too far already. Either way. Thanks.] Nagayo didn't smile. "We got those whip people you wanted." She thumbed behind her, where Satomura and Takeuchi flanked the bound and gagged Alucard, Bob and Plaz. "Really?! Wonderful!" Death rubbed his bony fingers together with delight. "How are they?" "Okay," Satomura said. "The blond one keeps trying to talk through the gag though.. we had to knock him out. Again." Death sweatdropped slightly, or at least would have, had he glands to sweat from. "Just so long as he's still undead." He repositioned, striking a.. well.. striking pose. "Now that I have captured the bad-- er, good guys, Dracula will have no more reason to shun me! Shaft.. you're going down! Dracula will be MINE! A-HAHAHAHAHA!!!" The Gaea Girls inched slowly away from the maniacally cackling specter. * * * Shaft sneezed. Someone must be thinking about him... "Whatever," he shrugged, turning back to his latest conquest. * * * 136,298, 136,299, 136,300. One hundred thirty-six thousand, three hundred yen. Yoshitaka Amano carefully placed the neat stacks of bills back into the shoebox they called home, then collapsed onto the futon. So much work... so much money... so little progress. Yoshitaka had worked so hard that he would say his fingers were about to fall off, if that wasn't a fear so close to home. Instead, he began wrapping shipping tape around the box, placing a label clearly marked 'Master Librarian'. He'd send it out in the morning. Payment one of five bazillion. Damn that yen-dollar exchange rate. * * * /IMAGE CA-- er, ENDING THEME/ Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil Chapter Twenty Seven - If You Put It Off Long Enough, It Still Won't Go Away * * * Note: Nagayo Chigusa is a real, Japanese women's wrestler. And she really looks like a man. Actually, she looks like my friend's boyfriend... but let's not talk about that. Japanese women's wrestling is really hardcore. Crazy, women jumping around and hitting each other with tables and chairs and blowing fire in people's faces action. Except, unlike the WWF, it's real. If you ever come across the documentary 'Gaea Girls', check it out. Mock KareKano commentary taken from The Castlevania Dungeon (www.classicgaming.com/castlevania); format cribbed from Paul Corrigan's KareKano fanfics; all without permission or parenthetical citation... There's probably something else, but I forgot.