"Japanese cars are small," Alucard mentally noted, the fact compounded by the young girl currently hanging off his neck and doing her level best to seriously impair his breathing. This was one of the major downsides to being bishonen: shoving unwanted admirers away before they choke you to death just isn't cool and indifferent. It was a known fact that many of Alucard's colleagues had survived wars, beatings, and apocalyptic sword-fights only to be asphyxiated by the attentions of junior high schoolgirls. However, this is neither here nor there. Alucard's thoughts were dominated by one fact: by all that was pale and effeminate, he was going to choke to death. Also prominent was the burning need to escape. So, Alucard took stock of the situation. First off, as has been established, he was inside a small Japanese car. Also, a small girl was crushing his larynx and negatively impacting his oxygen intake. Lastly, he was trapped in the form of a wolf. Wait, hold on there. It had suddenly occurred to Alucard that there was really nothing at all forcing him to remain a wolf, aside from the fact that he had conveniently forgotten that there was really nothing at all forcing him to remain a wolf. Noting such, he activated his Wonder Cursed Half-Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Powers and transmogrified into a cloud of poison gas. And yes, I mean transmogrified. It's a funnier sounding word than transformed. Alucard proceeded to seep out of the small Japanese car's air vents, while the girl and her mother passed out due to poison Alucard gas, receiving 83 and 42 points of damage, respectively. Alucard reformed into a bishonen on a nearby sidewalk, while the car hurdled off an overpass at high speed. But we don't care about that, so it's okay. Due to plot contrivance, Alucard headed straight for where he was sure to encounter his young charges, Bob and Plaz. It was only later that anyone realized that being the cursed half- breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, Alucard didn't really have to breathe, and thus wouldn't have choked to death. However, this too is neither here nor there. Gaijin Dan Mastriani and Improfanfic present the amazing, incredible, stupefying, awe inspiring, wonderful and all-around nifty final chapter of: Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil Chapter 30: Most of all, you need Funk! By series progenitor Gaijin Dan Mastriani Bob nearly choked on his burger, before forcing it down and taking a great big pull of his milkshake to try to wash down the taste. "By the departed spirit of Dave Thomas, that's an awful hamburger! If only Dave were alive, and there was a Wendy's nearby!" Plaz blinked a Bob a few times. "Dave Thomas is alive, and there's a Wendy's just down the street. You can see it from where you're sitting." "Oh," responded Bob. "Well, I still don't like this burger. It tastes like it was dipped in teriyaki sauce." "It was, Bob. You ordered a teriyaki burger." "Oh." It was at about this time that Alucard came in. "Bob! Plaz! As you can see, I have escaped my confinement at the hands of the local animal control department, and have rejoined you so that we may re-embark upon our quest. Pursuant to that, I have created what I term a 'to-do list'." Alucard pulled a clipboard from that place what is where he keeps things. It had affixed to it a piece of paper, with several sentences preceded by empty boxes thereupon. "The opening task of this noble venture was for myself to locate young Robert here. I, of course, being me was able to do that in the space of the quite short introductory chapter." Alucard placed a checkmark in the first box. "Next, Bob and I were required to come to the aid of young Yoshitaka Amano. This, too, was completed rather easily with most of the credit for such being due to me." Alucard placed a checkmark in the second box. "Thereupon, we were joined by young Belnades. I didn't have much to do with that, aside from being my usual handsome self, but I'll check it off anyway." Alucard placed a checkmark in the third box. "Our fourth task was procuring the key to the Disco Infernal from the staggeringly evil Church of Scientology, which we were able to complete without the horror of the entire Earth becoming a battlefield." Alucard placed a checkmark in the fourth box. "Take THAT, Dianetics!" added Bob. "Shut up, Bob," reprimanded Alucard. "No," Bob responded. Alucard continued. "Afterwards, we ate pizza, which is tasty." Alucard placed a checkmark in the fifth box. "Following that, we defeated Hecubus and _Sancho_, and may or may not have been aided by Bob's father. That entire incident seems to be cloaked in a temporal anomaly or dimensional shift or disagreement between Internet authors or some such thing of that sort. I am, however, going to check it off anyhow." Alucard placed a checkmark in the sixth box. "Next off, we acquired the Cursed Half-Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile, and used it in our defeat of Richard Millhouse Nixon and his IRSNinjaAssassinDeathSquad." Alucard placed a checkmark in the seventh box. "Immediately following, *someone* allowed the Cursed Half-Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile to crash and become fiery wreckage." Alucard glared at Bob, and did not place a checkmark in a box, because Bob had not been supposed to do that. "This is where we were supposed to continue undaunted and rid the world of John Travolta and L. Ron Hubbard, but my companions are weak mortals and we didn't, so I'm not going to check that off." Alucard did not place a checkmark in the eighth box. "So, after that, lets see. Visited the future, ate, staved off madness, paid for hotel room." Alucard placed a checkmark in the ninth, tenth, eleventh and twelfth boxes. "Well, anyhow, we acquired another key to the Disco Infernal thanks to Hecubus, our new good friend. Or evil friend. Or whatever." Alucard placed a check in the lucky thirteenth box, which caused a secret door to open in Dracula's castle. But no one was around, so it didn't really matter. "This is about when we would have finally stormed my father's castle, but we had to come to Japan after young Yoshitaka Amano again." Alucard placed a check in the fourteenth box. "Say, where is young Amano, out of curiosity?" Bob and Plaz looked about themselves, and noting the lack of Amano, shrugged. "Beats me," said Bob. "He must have gone home." A burlap sack was removed from over Yoshitaka Amano, who found himself in unfamiliar settings. "What's going on? Who are you?" he gasped. The man in front of Yoshitaka smiled evilly and leaned forward. "My name is Hironobu Sakaguchi, and you now work for Square, Yoshitaka Amano!" "What?" Yoshitaka countered, a wrestling audience somewhere chanting along with him. "What makes you think I'll work for you?" Hironobu Sakaguchi placed a large sack of money in front of Amano. "When do I start?" asked Amano, politely. Alucard withdrew a handy mirror and studied himself. "Well, I'm certainly pretty again, so everything must be right at Konami. Yes, it's certainly good to be pretty again. I don't know how anyone could dislike being so damn pretty." Somewhere, Dracula let out a piteous wail. "Hey," Plaz came to a realization, "maybe that's where Yoshitaka is!" Two Konami employees were talking by the water cooler. "Say, is that Amano kid around? Does he still work here?" asked the first. "Beats me," responded the second. "I haven't seen him around since yesterday." "Huh. Well, where's the other kid? Toriyama?" asked the first. "Funny think, that," responded the second. "He was kidnapped by some blobs of goo. Said something about whoever has Yoshitaka Amano ruling the U.S. RPG market, and that it'd be Enix." "What U.S. RPG market?" "That's what I'm saying. Next thing you know, somebody will be pitching gaijin fighting games or survival horror." "So, Amano was working on that Dracula's Chateau of Doom thing, right? I still think it should be something like Demon Castle Dracula." "Yeah, sounds better to me. Though, with the kids gone, beats me who'll do the character design." "Well, we don't have legions of underpaid staff artists for nothing. Somebody has to draw fancy covers for the boxes to distract people from what the games really look like." "True, true." "In any case, by my reckoning, it is finally time for us to storm my father's castle and defeat him and the forces of Funk and Evil," reckoned Alucard. "You forgot the handjive," noted Bob. "Please note, young Belmont, that it would be quite difficult for me to care less about including the handjive," Alucard informed Bob. "In fact, I not only do not care about including the handjive, I find the very practice of the handjive annoying and inane, and refuse to do it at any point. If I have handjived in the past, I'd like to conveniently gloss over that fact at the present." "You'll regret it," responded Bob. "Pardon?" Alucard arched an eyebrow. "You heard me, pasty," supplied Bob. "Pasty?" Alucard's eyebrow remained arched. "What's wrong with you, Bob? You don't usually act like this!" chimed in Plaz, desperate for lines. "Don't I? MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Bob laughed, as if he were some sort of evil doppelganger. Oh, darn. I've just given away the plot point. Alucard pointed stiffly at Bob. "You! You're not Bob! You're an evil doppelganger posing as Bob!" The evil doppelganger posing as Bob jumped to his feet, spilling teriyaki sauce on himself. "So! It seems you have found me out, cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who seeks to do good in the face of overwhelming evil! I am in fact an evil doppelganger posing as Bob, conveniently named Fake Bob!" "Fake Bob, you fiend!" countered Alucard. "What have you done to the real Bob?" "Uh, nothing actually. He just went to the bathroom. I was kinda wondering what I'd do when he came back." This is about when Alucard cut Fake Bob in half, causing the number 9999 to appear above his head and for the hapless doppelganger's body to explode in flames rather unspectacularly. "Destroy evil doppelganger, check." Alucard placed a checkmark in the fifteenth box. "I was leading a glorious proletariat revolution," whined Walter Koenig. "Shut up, Walter! This is the final chapter of Castlevania 1970! We've just got to host it!" I find transcribing Shatner-speak annoying, so you'll just have to imagine all the odd stuff the Shat is doing. "I find your desire to host a show that has shown us nothing but abuse and degradation most illogical, Bill," noted Leonard Nimoy. "Ach! I need a job!" countered James Doohan, in an overdone Scottish accent. He was once again thin, due to his inability to buy food. "I was on Voyager," said George Takei, with his really cool voice. "Voyager sucked. I was on Babylon 5, which was better," said Walter, with his really annoying voice. "I was on Batman Beyond," said George, with his really cool voice. "I was Mr. Fixx." "He died in the first episode," said Walter, with his really annoying voice. "I'm still better than you." "Both of you, shut up!" warned Bill Shatner. "Anyhow, I've got you both beat, because I was T. J. Hooker." The Shat looked towards a cardboard cutout of DeForest Kelly. "Say, DeForest, you've been awfully quiet. Don't you have an opinion on the matter?" "Bill," began Nimoy, "I feel it is my duty to remind you that DeForest Kelly is dead, and that we are using a Dr. McCoy standup as a quick replacement." "Never mind that now, Leonard." Bill brushed aside Leonard's correction. "We've got a plane to catch." "Where to, Captain?" asked George. "Where else? The Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil studio!" The Cursed Half-Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile II, a.k.a. the Good Humor truck, had just driven through several small island villages and was continuing on it's way to North America, regardless of the fact that it shouldn't be able to drive on water. "So you really fought an evil doppelganger of me?" asked Bob. "Verily, young Belmont," confirmed Alucard, "but that was hardly my first experience with evil doppelgangers. For instance, on the occasion that I stormed my father's castle on my own in search of the missing Richter Belmont, I faced not one but four evil doppelgangers! One in my own likeness, and three in the likeness of my old allies Trevor Belmont, Grant DaNasty and Sylpha Belnades. Of course, being the cursed half- breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, I thrashed them soundly. For, when you're an adventurer of my experience and level, evil doppelgangers are no challenge whatsoever." Alucard massaged his chin. "You know, that reminds me of something important I may have overlooked." Alucard opened the status screen. Selecting Bob, he glanced at his level, which was eight. Alucard frowned. He then moved the cursor to Plaz, and checked his (it was during the day) level. It was two. Alucard's frown deepened. "Obviously, some level building is in order." "Huh?" expounded Bob. Alucard opened the map screen and, locating the nearest red dot, pointed to it. "All will become clear soon enough. In the meantime, I merely require you to drive the Cursed Half-Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile II to this spot." Bob shrugged. "Um, okay." And so it was that the Cursed Half-Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile II was parked on a small island in the eastern half of the Pacific, the prominent feature of which was a nearly collapsed pirate fortress. The party disembarked, and Alucard led them to a small room, casually destroying all the bone- throwing skeletons and zombies that rose out of the ground in their way. Bob whipped a few, but not too many, as he would have fallen behind had he stopped too long. Entering the room, Bob and Plaz beheld a large glass orb, with a powerful red glow held within it, set atop an ornate pillar. Alucard exposited: "This, my young charges, is a Save Room. The simple act of walking up to the pillar in the center of the room will rejuvenate you, as well as saving your game so that you may continue from this point should you fall in battle. What you will do now is simple: you will exit this room and wade into battle with the infinite horde of pirate zombies, fighting nearly unto your last breath. When your condition becomes too grave for you to continue combat, you will escape into this room and save your game. Then you will go right back out and start fighting again. This will continue until I say you can stop." The youths' shoulders slumped. "Do we have to?" they said in unison. "Unless you would like to be mauled like kittens in the face of my father's minions, I would say so. Plaz, you may also want to experiment with different control pad and button combinations to find new spells. Now, shoo. Level build." Alucard herded Bob and Plaz out of the room. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. This continued for several days. Having become quite tired of the entire thing, Bob and Plaz approached Alucard, who was enjoying a tasty ice cream treat courtesy of Good Humor. "Can we stop now?" they said in unison. Alucard checked the status screen, and was quite dismayed to find Bob and Plaz were only level twenty-two and thirteen, respectively. "I really can't believe what weenies the two of you are. Young Belmont, your distant relative Nathan Graves would have thought nothing of standing under a mass of poison worms spinning his whip for months on end, until he had gained at least ten levels. I might note that those poison worms gave only one point of experience, while the skeletons and zombies you are fighting give at least ten or twelve. Now, the both of you get back to work, and don't stop until you've gotten at least twenty more levels." "How come we have to gain all these levels?" complained Bob. "What level are you, huh?" Alucard opened the status screen, and selected himself. "Uh, sixteen kajillion? Wow. I didn't, uh, think that was a real number. I guess I'll get back to fighting, now." "I guess you will." Dracula was pale. Dracula was effeminate. Dracula was torpid. Dracula was not happy. "Black Priest Shaft," Dracula intoned to his black priest, who was a black priest quite intentionally as part of a joke not a lot of people seem to have picked up on, "Yoshitaka Amano does not seem to be dead." Shaft sweated profusely, his afro nearly becoming unstuck from his head. "Uh, yeah, well I coulda sworn somebody had taken care of that for you, Brother Drac. I, um, blame it on Proud Mary. Yeah, her. You know, she said she'd taken care of it for you, but look what happened. How about I have Hecubus keep at it? He can't blow it forever, right?" "It doesn't really matter now, Shaft. Do you know why?" Shaft did not, in fact, know why. "No," he said, affirming that fact. "Because of something else you didn't do, that being stopping my son and his sidekicks (who are in fact sidekicks and had damn well better get used to it, before anyone starts up on that). The Dark Side of the Funk tells me that they will soon be storming my castle." "Does that mean we have to go back to Transylvania, then?" queried Shaft. "Don't be silly, Shaft," admonished Dracula. "My castle is right behind the disco." Shaft walked over to the window and looked out. Sure enough, Demon Castle Dracula rose into the night sky behind the disco, dark and ominous. "I could swear that wasn't there before," he said. Dracula shifted to the other side of his throne. "Shaft, this is the sort of thing I would kill you over, if I wasn't feeling so damn anemic. Therefore, I'm going to have my son do it for me, instead. You, Shaft, are on sub-boss duty. Make preparations to receive the heroes, and then join me in my secret throne room." With that, Dracula disappeared. Then he reappeared. "And don't forget to let the Medusa heads out." Then he disappeared. Shaft grumbled. "Damn, yo. I hate sub-boss duty." Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Bob and Plaz waded into battle with bone throwing skeletons and zombie pirates. They fought as hard as they were able, Bob flailing desperately at the endless waves of enemies with his trusty chain whip, and Plaz hurling spells into their midst while bludgeoning any that got too close with his cane. They fought to the brink of death, then escaped into the save room. Saving their game and restoring their health, they once again walked outside. Alucard placed a checkmark in the sixteenth box. As the portable stairs were pushed up against the plane, and the door was opened, William Shatner jumbled out and tumbled down the stairs to the runway. Finally, his fellow actors came and helped him up. He stared at them wide-eyed, proclaiming: "I'm telling, there was something on the wing! Some man on the wing!" Leonard Nimoy sighed. "Bill, you always say that. It's highly illogical." "I was on Batman Beyond," noted George Takei. "Capitalist scum," added Walter Koenig. "Ach! I need a job!" commented James Doohan. DeForest Kelly said nothing, since he was dead and the cardboard cutout in his likeness couldn't talk. "It's true, damn you all! It's true!" shouted Bill, hyperventilating. John Lithgow ran up to the party, the look on his face quite similar to the Shat's. "I believe you!" he said. "I saw it, too!" "Really?" quested Bill. "Really really!" answered John. "I can't put into words how touched I am, John." The Shat wept manly tears. "Would you like to be my new Dr. McCoy?" "Would I!" enthused John. "I'd love to!" And so, a new Dr. McCoy was appointed, and the cardboard cutout was left sad and alone. After two weeks of level building, at last the heroes were back on their way to the Disco Infernal. The Cursed Half-Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile II sped across America, the miles rushing by at a rapid pace. At last, they reached the gates that had stymied them for so long, and parked the Cursed Half-Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile II so they could get out and open them. Alucard strode purposefully to the doors, the key in hand. This is when a voice called out from behind them: "Stop right there!" The camera pans over to reveal the blinding white leisure suited form of John Travolta! "John Travolta!" gasped one or more of the heroes. "Yes, it is I, John Travolta! At long last, the time for us to battle has come! Here and now, I will defeat you in the name of Master Dracula!" Travolta spun around and pointed his finger in the air. "Villain!" countered Alucard. "You have sold your soul to disco, and not rock and roll, and now your reckoning is upon you! For, as heroes of truth, justice and decent music, we will surely vanquish you and continue on our way to thwart my detestable father! Have at you!" No one did much of anything. "Robert," noted Alucard, "this is your cue." "It is?" asked Bob. "Well, you are the one who always wants to whip things, aren't you?" "Oh, yeah. I am, aren't I?" And so, the battle between Bob Belmont and John Travolta began in earnest. Bob kicked Travolta's ass. "Wow!" wowed Bob. "I'll never complain about spending two weeks leveling up again!" With a final strike of Bob's chain whip, Travolta was sent flying through the front window of a local video store, a shower of glass following him to the floor. He tried to stand, but found himself unable, as the heroes rushed into the store. "So," Travolta issued weakly, "I've been defeated. Who knew my super fly disco moves were not invincible?" Alucard stood above Travolta triumphant, even though he hadn't really done anything. "Of course! The forces of evil always wither under the light of justice! You should know this. Now," Alucard narrowed his eyes, "where is L. Ron Hubbard? Is he waiting to ambush us as you expire?" Travolta looked around, abashed. "I, uh, don't really have any backup. L. Ron Hubbard was a red herring." He then passed out, and the evil of disco slowly seeped out of him, leaving him in sensible clothes. A red sphere appeared, which Bob took, prompting the message box: "Flame whip acquired!" "Hey, cool!" Bob noted. Taking this in, Alucard came to an immediate conclusion. "Ah. It seems that John Travolta is not really evil, but was merely possessed by it. It would be wrong to simply leave him here alone, but we can spare none of our member to remain with him." "I'll watch over him, sir!" A pimply faced video store employee ran up and knelt by Travolta. "Don't worry, I'll see to it that Mr. Travolta gets back on his feet!" Alucard placed a checkmark in the eighth box. "Well, then, that's settled. I'll leave Mr. Travolta in your capable hands young," Alucard paused to read the employee's name tag, "Quentin. Take good care of him. Come, my charges! We are off." With that, Alucard, Bob and Plaz walked back over to the gate, leaving Quentin and Travolta alone. "You know, this gives me an idea," thought Quentin. "Some day, I'm going to make a movie about vampires!" Alucard walked into the gate to the Disco Infernal. Instead of slamming his face into the doors, a message box appeared proclaiming: "Used key to Disco Infernal." The gates then swung open, revealing the abode of Funk *handjive* and Evil within. "All right!" enthused Bob. "Finally we're going to storm the Disco Infernal!" "Don't be silly," countered Alucard. "Our target is Demon Castle Dracula, located behind the disco." Bob looked out over the horizon. Sure enough, Demon Castle Dracula rose into the night sky behind the disco, dark and ominous. "I could swear that wasn't there before," he said. "Right, everyone back into the Cursed Half-Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile II." Alucard strode back to the Cursed Half-Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile II. "We'll ram our way in." "Hey," noted Plaz, "how come we couldn't bust down the Disco Infernal gate, but we can bust down the castle doors?" "Quite simple, Belnades," Alucard began. "Fernandez," Plaz corrected. Alucard finished, "I've always wanted to burst into a building via a high speed car crash." Death thought he had a pretty good plan. If he blustered well enough, maybe Dracula wouldn't remember how exactly Death had stopped working for him. Well, it was worth a try. So, Death burst into Dracula's throne room. "Dracula! I demand my job back!" he demanded. Dracula shrugged. "Yeah, sure." "Perhaps you didn't hear me," Death continued, "I said that I...oh, wait. Thanks." "In fact, I like your new attitude." Dracula looked Death in the eye sockets. "I'm going to reward you." "Really?" Death would have blinked, but one needs eyelids for that. "Really really. You, Death, are being promoted to level boss duty!" Death didn't know what to say. "Level boss duty! Wow! You're the best, Dracula! Does this mean I get to wait for the heroes and kill them when they arrive?" "Sure does! Why don't you take, oh, the Clock Tower?" "Wow! I get the level with flying Medusa heads and everything!" "That's right! Now how about you get to it?" "Sure thing, Dracula old pal!" Death floated quickly out of the room. He had a lot to do. Why, he hadn't even thought of something bizarre to change into halfway through the fight yet! Back in the throne room, Dracula chuckled. "Man, what a sucker." Bob had gunned the engine, and the Cursed Half-Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile II was speeding full on towards the castle's main entrance. Of course, Bob couldn't see the doors over the horizon yet, which was odd, but he wasn't worried about it quite yet. Actually, he seemed to be coming up on a short wall, but that was no big deal. No doubt, the Cursed Half- Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile II could smash right through it. It did seem to be a bit close to the castle for him to not be able to see the front doors over it, but unless it turned out to be an overpass or something, that was just something he could attribute to Funk *handjive* and Evil. The Cursed Half-Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Ever War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile II went through the wall and off of the overpass at ninety miles an hour, easily clearing the courtyard and ramming right through the front doors. Sure, it was totaled, but everyone was unhurt for no logical reason, so that could be overlooked. "We've got to rescue Splinter!" Bob proclaimed after exiting the twisted wreckage. "Bob, what in the name of CLAMP are you talking about?" asked Plaz, exiting after him. "I dunno," Bob answered. "For some reason, I had an uncontrollable urge to say that." "No time for decade old Konami references now, Bob," stated Alucard, exiting last. "We've arrived in the castle. Yes, Demon Castle Dracula, also know as Castlevania by those with an affinity for making up silly words. I fondly recall my childhood here. In summer, Mother and I would wander the woods in search of ingredients for her herbal remedies. In winter, Father and I would go out at night and frighten local children. Good times were had by all. Ah, how I miss those days. But, the halcyon days of youth are gone now, and we've a mission to complete. Onward!" Bob scratched his head. "Hey, Alucard. What exactly does halcyon mean, anyhow." Alucard shifted his eyes back and forth nervously. "Halcyon, well, that is, its meaning is, uh, not important right now. We've other things to do." Bob frowned. "You don't know, do you?" "Don't be silly." Alucard loosened his collar. "I know exactly what it means. I'll, um, tell you later." With that, Alucard walked off in a hurry. Our heroes' first challenge, a rather large bat, proved little trouble to dispatch. All it really did was fly back and forth, so Alucard simply clipped one of its wings so that it fell to the ground, where it was easily beaten to death. He then placed a checkmark in the seventeenth box. The next section of the castle was rather unpleasant, being the decidedly damp and half water-filled basement. Through much platform jumping, as well as impromptu swimming on Bob's part, the party reached the final room of the basement. Bob was covered in mud. "I need a bath," he surmised. "What, another one?" teased Plaz. Alucard hushed his two proteges. "Now is not the time, Bob and Plaz, for I believe the level boss is nearly upon us." Sure enough, a tall form emerged slowly from the shadows, revealing itself to be an ungainly man with an unusually flat head and bolts protruding from his neck. "Whoa!" commented Bob. "It's Frankenstein!" "Actually, Bob," Alucard informed, "the name Frankenstein belongs not to the creature in front of us, but to the mad scientist whose foolish ambition to play God created him. Therefore, the best way we can refer to him, as he has no name of his own, would be to term him 'Frankenstein's monster'." Alucard turned to Frankenstein's monster. "I know of few times he has failed to challenge those who seek Dracula's defeat. And yet, I wonder. Frankenstein's monster, what is it that keeps you in my father's employ?" "Mmmmmm," answered the monster, "benefits...good!" Alucard nodded sagely. "Yes, I do recall my father offering dental and 401k. Well, that is neither here nor there. Bob, I think your weapon holds the most terror for this particular foe." And thus, Bob did strike Frankenstein's monster with his flame whip. And the monster did reply: "Graaaah! Fire bad!" Alucard placed a checkmark in the eighteenth box. The Clock Tower, home of mechanical wonders of all shapes and sizes, most of which somehow ended up herding heroes into spikes or bottomless pits. Needless to say, this area of the castle is generally unpopular with adventurers, for the above reasons and one more: flying Medusa heads. Considering that the jump was rather long, Bob was not the best at jumping between platforms, and that none of the party members could seem to see the floor, Bob was taking his time to make sure he didn't mess up. Finally satisfied with his calculations, Bob leapt with all his might. Unfortunately, his jump was far short of the other side of the pit, and he sailed gracefully into the abyss. Fortunately, Bob still had extra lives, so he tried again. Bob backed up to get a good running start, then dashed forward, leaping with all his might as he reached the edge of the platform. The jump was more than long enough this time, and would easily lead to a safe landing. Unfortunately, Bob collided with a flying Medusa head before reaching the other side, and was knocked gracelessly into the abyss. Fortunately, Bob still had extra lives, so he tried again. Bob backed up to get a good running start, then dashed forward, leaping with all his might as he reached the edge of the platform. In mid-air, he lashed out with his flame whip, easily killing the flying Medusa head before it could collide with him. Unfortunately, the act of using his whip negatively impacted his momentum, and he dropped once again into the abyss. Fortunately, Bob still had extra lives, so he tried again. "Oh, enough of this." Alucard stopped Bob before he could jump again, and jumped himself. He soared smoothly through the air, neatly bisected the flying Medusa head as it neared him, and landed effortlessly on the other side of the abyss. "That, young Belmont, is how it is done," he told Bob, who was next to him. "Wait a second," Bob puzzled, "how'd Plaz and I get over here, too?" Alucard rolled his eyes. "Everyone knows that only one member of a party has to make a platform jump to get the entire group to the other side." Death had it. This time, he would transform into a giant hermit crab with sickles instead of claws and spike covered shell that he could periodically hide in and shoot fire. And, of course, it would throw scythes all over. Unfortunately, he didn't get a chance to see if this would be as invincible as he figured, as the heroes managed to sneak into the rafters above him and drop one of the giant gears on his head, which pretty much ended the fight before it started. Alucard placed a checkmark in the nineteenth box. Both Bob and Plaz were turned to stone during the fight with Medusa, but Alucard cut her head off shortly after, taking care of that problem nicely. Alucard placed a checkmark in the twentieth box. The fight with the mummy was fairly challenging, as being mostly bandages and dust, it took damage without much notice. However, Bob got the idea of loudly remarking that he needed to use the bathroom, which finished things rather quickly. Alucard placed a checkmark in the twenty-first box. This is about where a long confrontation with Gerald Reinhart took place, but it mostly consisted of he and Bob jumping up and down and whipping each other, so I won't transcribe it. It is interesting to note that Gerald decided to change his name to something Hispanic sounding and start a talk show. Alucard placed a checkmark in the twenty-second box. "There are many Tom's in the world. There are also many Jeff's, but only I am _Sancho_!" _Sancho_ puffed out his chest the very most he could, straining the single button on his shirt near its breaking point. The very air was filled with the power of _Sancho_, which radiated strongly from his manly _Sancho_ chest hair. _Sancho_ leveled his _Sancho_ gaze in a way only _Sancho_ could at the heroes. "And for that reason, this will be your final encounter with _Sancho_! This is emotionally crushing for you, _Sancho_ knows, but rest easy in the knowledge that you will be dead, and thus will not miss the presence of _Sancho_ so very much as if you were alive." Alucard stepped forward. "I see. In that case, there is only one way in which this battle may be conducted. That one way is this: I must pit my aura of cool and indifference against your aura of _Sancho_. Only thus may our battle be truly and finally concluded. Do you accept?" _Sancho_ nodded. "Yes, you are right! _Sancho_ accepts!" The button burst from _Sancho_'s shirt, and his _Sancho_ aura exploded outward, nearly knocking Alucard off his feet. However, Alucard was able to turn his head away and ignore the raw _Sancho_ essence, thusly combating it with his aura of cool and indifference. The collision point pushed towards _Sancho_, who redoubled his efforts. Alucard combed his hair back with his hands. _Sancho_ massaged his chest. Alucard inspected his manicure. _Sancho_ removed his shirt altogether. The competing auras pushed at each other in the center of the room, sending off sparks that damaged the surroundings. Alucard yawned. _Sancho_ was tossed into the wall. "But how?" _Sancho_ wailed. "How can anything be more powerful than the aura that is _Sancho_?" "Don't you understand?" remarked Alucard. "It was not that my aura was more powerful than yours. Rather, it was that my aura is backed by the power of Good, and yours is supported by Evil. And Good always defeats Evil." _Sancho_ stood, manly tears glistening in his eyes. "That was the most beautiful thing _Sancho_ has ever heard! Now, finally, _Sancho_ realizes the error of his ways and is sorry!" "Fear not, _Sancho_," Alucard encouraged him, "for it is not too late for you to redeem yourself. You know what you must do?" "Yes!" _Sancho_ spoke. "_Sancho_ knows what _Sancho_ must now do! Because he was arrogant, _Sancho_ will hide his face behind a mask. He will cast away the foolish pride that was _Sancho_, and become _El Santo_! As _El Santo_, he will bring joy to all the children of Mexico with high flying wrestling, which he will term _Lucha Libre_! And he shall do so in a federation called AAA, for all the matches of _Lucha Libre_ will be triple A matches! Thank you, my friends!" And with that, the newly christened _El Santo_ was off to begin a new destiny. Alucard placed a checkmark in the twenty-third box. At last, Alucard, Bob and Plaz burst into Dracula's throne room. Dracula sat upon his throne, regarding the heroes coldly. "So," he spoke slowly, "at last you have come." "Father!" challenged Alucard. "Did you really think I would allow you to plunge the world into the hell of disco? As more of a classical fan, it is my duty to defeat you!" Dracula shifted to the other side of his throne. "Alucard, my son. Yet again you have risen up against me. Do you truly care so much for humans?" "Of course!" countered Alucard. "Father, you have blinded yourself to humanity's wonders. Creativity! Love! Sonia Belmont, who I never ever slept with, really! I will not allow you to crush the human spirit!" "Bah? What is man? Nothing but a miserable pile of bad rhythm! With disco, I will merely save them from their own squareness. But enough of that. Shaft, get your bony ass out here!" A green sphere expanded out thin air in the center of the chamber, then faded away to reveal the Black Priest Shaft. "Yeah, that's right, suckas! If you want a shot at Brother Drac, yo' cracker asses have to deal with me first! So which a'you chumps gonna get pimp slapped first?" Plaz stepped forward. "Bob! Alucard! Let me handle this, wizard to wizard! I haven't done anything all chapter!" Shaft grinned. "All right, foo'. But this is gonna be a wizard groove, dig? That means we're gonna get down with just magic!" Plaz smiled. "I can dig it." "Funky Magic Groove (B. P. EVIL! Mix)" began playing in background. "Up, up, left, right, square!" A circle of fireballs surround Shaft, then shot at Plaz. "Down, right, up, left, circle!" Plaz conjured a wall of ice which slid forward and collided with the fireballs, canceling both spells out. "Hey, we startin' easy, baby! Down, down, right, down, left, X!" A purple sphere of power streaked across the room. "Up, right, right, left, down, triangle!" A stone spike erupted from the floor and skewered the purple power ball. "Up, up, down, X, down, X!" Acid rained down from the rafters. "Down, left, triangle, square, up, up!" An umbrella appeared above Plaz. Sweat stood out on Shaft's brow. "Down, down, square, down, down, circle!" The room shook as if in an earthquake, taking Plaz off her feet. "Up, down, right, X, X, X!" A gout of flame scorched Shaft, who'd gone and started gloating too soon. "That's it, fox! This is over, sho' nuff! X, square, up, square, down, right, circle, right!" Pillars of lightening began to strike, moving closer and closer to Plaz and pulverizing whatever they hit. "You want to finish it? Okay! Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, start!" Before the heroes could be annihilated, they faded from sight. Shaft found the part of the floor he was standing on ripped from its place and rising into a cloudy blue sky. Then, in front of him, a four-winged dragon appeared. It reared back, then fired a blast of pure energy from its maw, blasting away the ground Shaft was standing on and swallowing him in power. Everyone reappeared in the throne room, then a white "9999" appeared over Shaft's head. He summarily fell over. "Curse you! But even if I'm beaten, Brother Drac will wipe all you cats out!" Shaft then disintegrated. Alucard placed a checkmark in the twenty-fourth box. Dracula stood from his throne, pulling his cape around himself dramatically. "Well," he said, "it seems I need to destroy you myself! Behold my true power!" Dracula's form faded, and the room shook. The walls collapsed, somehow not dumping the ceiling on everyone's head. Finding themselves in the open air, the heroic threesome found themselves gazing on in horror as Dracula's ultimate form took shape. He was blue, with a huge smiling mouth, and a dazzling white leisure suit. His massive platform shoes were half as tall as Alucard, and his sunglasses glinted dangerously. Bull horns poked out from his head, and his laughter shook the room. "Taste the Dark Side of the Funk!" boomed Dracula. A massive beam of Funk *handjive* and Evil shot from one of the myriad rings adorning Dracula's fingers, knocking the entire party to the ground. So, Dracula hammered them again, blasting all three into the floor. Again, he engulfed them in energy, sending even Alucard to the edge of unconsciousness. Just then, a vision appeared to Alucard. It was a heavyset black man, his hair in fine, chest length dreadlocks and his body clothed in a rainbow of colors. He spoke, and his voice was full of Funk. "Alucard! I am George S. Clinton, and I have come to help you find the Funk so that you may axe that bad cat, Dracula!" Alucard blinked his eyes at the vision. "Funk? But is not Funk evil? Were I to use it against my father, even should I win, I would be no better than he." "Dig my words," replied George S. Clinton. "Your father's power is not the be all and end all of Funk! Instead, the man uses the Dark Side of the Funk. I represent the Light Side of the Funk, with which you may lay down positive power upon the forces of Evil!" "Is this true, George S. Clinton? Then there is yet hope! Pray, teach me the secrets of the Light Side of the Funk!" "Whoa, what time is it?" George S. Clinton checked his watch. "Hey, man, I'm sorry, but I've got a recording session with Gonzo from the Muppets what totally slipped my mind! You on your own, my brother! May the Funk be with you!" With that, George S. Clinton vanished in a puff of confetti. Alucard pulled himself to his feet. "Screw this, then." Equipping the Alucard Shield and the Shield Rod, Alucard used them both at the same time, activating the cheapest ability in the whole game. "Oh, crud. Not again," boomed Dracula. Alucard pulled his shield in front of him and walked into Dracula with it. Dracula lost health very quickly, and soon began to explode. The room flashed white and Dracula was once again in his normal form. "That's really unfair, you know," Dracula complained. "However, since you beat me in five seconds in Symphony of the Night, I anticipated this and have prepared a third form! Have at you!" A voice rang out from an indeterminate location. "Hydro Storm!" Holy water rained from the sky, burning Dracula's skin horribly. "All right, all right already! I'm dead, okay?" And thus, Dracula exploded. Alucard placed a checkmark in the twenty-fifth box. Ed Belmont strode into the remains of Dracula's throne room. "Darn," he remarked, "this still isn't the grocery store." "Dad!" cried Bob, rushing into his father's arms. "Bob! Good to see you, son! Say, does your mom still need those eggs? 'Cause I'm kind of lost." Alucard approached Ed. "Edward Belmont, I presume. You've a fine son. His efforts were instrumental in my father's defeat." Ed appraised Alucard. "You must be Alucard, the cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who seeks to do good in the face of overwhelming evil! Thanks for showing Bob the ropes." "It was nothing for one such as I." The castle began to shake. "In any event, I believe it is time for the traditional collapse of the castle, in which case it would behoove us to make a speedy escape." The forces of Good dashed from the castle, miraculously doing so in a fraction of the time it took them to navigate on the way in. Reaching safety, they all watched as Demon Castle Dracula and the Disco Infernal sank into the earth, leaving no trace of their existence. "Well, looks like everything's wrapped up. My father is defeated, disco is dead, and Robert has been reunited with his father. All in all, a good days work," commented Alucard. "Well," Bob interjected, "there's still one thing that bothers me. Is Plaz a guy or a girl?" "Yes, we've yet to determine that," affirmed Alucard. "However, with our task complete, there should be no further impediment to a definite answer. We'll, Belnades?" "Fernandez. And since you guys are so dense, I'll tell you once and for all. I'm a..." Unfortunately, the story ended before Plaz could finish. Alucard placed a checkmark in the twenty-sixth box. THE END! Author's notes: Well, here it is, the final chapter of Castlevania 1970, and it's over five times as long as the starter. But that's okay, because I wanted to blow this series out, and hopefully I've done so. Sorry if the end seems rushed; I'm a terminal procrastinator, despite any efforts I make to the contrary. Still, I finished on time, and accomplished pretty much everything I intended. To close, I'd like to thank everyone who's ever read or written Castlevania 1970. It means a great deal to me that people liked this story enough to not only vote for the starter, but to keep it going for twenty-eight chapters. Thank you all with love. The Shat dodged a stagehand removing a lamp. "We've finally made it! Where is everyone?" Leonard Nimoy scanned the room, his eyes falling upon a man wearing a name tag reading: "Production Assistant, John Pierre Polnareff." "Perhaps we should speak to that man," he deduced, indicating J. P. Bill led his bridge crew up to the PA and spoke, "I'm William Shatner, and these are my fellow Star Trek actors. We've come to host the final episode of Castlevania 1970." "I'm the new Dr. McCoy!" enthused John Lithgow. "Host it?" Polnareff stared at the has-beens quizzically. "It's over. We just wrapped five minutes ago. Where've you been?" "This can't be!" Bill emoted. "Hosting the last episode was my destiny! What have I left? Priceline.com? My singing career?" "Hey, I sing children's songs!" enthused John Lithgow. "You can be on my next album!" "Really?" requested the Shat. "Really really!" smiled John. Bill walked off with his arm around John's shoulders. "You're a true friend, John." "I know! I am!" enthused John. "I feel I must vomit. Please excuse me." Leonard Nimoy left the room. Walter Koenig pointed accusatorily at George Takei. "It's time you and I finished things, Sulu!" "Better watch out. I was on Batman Beyond," responded George. He and Walter dashed out to the parking lot to hold their final duel. James Doohan was left standing alone. "I'm so very, very hungry," he noted. SEE YOU AGAIN, DISCO VAMPIRE!