Greetings and welcome to the (hopefully) official Furniture Warriors character guide, made specially for Improfanfic and one of its best impros ever... Furniture Warriors! Find out lots and lots of stuff about the chair-swinging, lamp-wielding, and desk-pounding adventurers at your leisure! Starting here! Ain't it cool?
This character guide describes characters and events up to episode #7 of Furniture Warriors. Later information will appear in updates.
Jonatan Streith does not take responsibility for any spoilers that may ruin your fun. He also does not take responsibility for your sanity, computer, economy, or fatherless children. You'll have to look elsewhere for that.
Comments on missing/incorrect stuff appreciated! If you wish to comment, use the link at the bottom of the page. If you wish to hurt me, ask Phoebe for help.
Now, on with the show!
Heroes:
The standard good guys, at least as it appears...
Ikea is the heir of the Tibetan Furniture Warriors dojo, and the main hero of the story. Ikea is a master of Wooden Chair Fighting, and is very dedicated to it. It's his favorite pastime. His ONLY pastime. In fact, all he does is train and study manuscripts on how to improve his style further. The Art is everything.
Ikea almost never shows any emotions (and when he does, you need a microscope to see it), and looks righteous all the time, even in his sleep. He is almost totally in balance with nature, and unlike his sister, he doesn't care for worldly things. He also has incredibly spiky black hair, which gets even more spiky when danger lurks nearby. Ikea can also spontaneously say honourable things that refer to furniture: "What is in the past cannot be changed. But like a shattered set of collapsible tray tables, it can be mended."
Ikea fights with a wooden chair, and some of his moves include:
RISING CHAIR FIRE: Ikea powers his chair with ki, and... smacks his opponent with it in an upwards strike. Yes, that's about it.
Ikea's little sister. Lumi is a total ditz, tends to fall over a lot, occasionally refers to herself in third person, and is distracted by shiny objects. She is, however, a bit of an entrepeneur, and masters the very specific art of Lightbulb-Fu. Lumi has bright red hair and wears two lightbulbs set in a headband. When she fights, they start glowing for some reason. She likes worldly things a LOT. Her attempts to look intimidating fails utterly. She appears to be connected to the legendary Queen Radiance...
Lumi fights by throwing lightbulbs and light-tubes, and her moves include:
BEAUTIFUL LIGHTBULB ATTACK: Lumi throws three energy-saving halogen bulbs at her opponent.
PRETTY LIGHT-TUBE STRIKE: Lumi throws a massive light-tube at her opponent.
Uh... not very inventive moves, are they? ^_^;
California surfer dude from Sweden, former member of the Tibetan FW dojo and a good friend of Ikea. He says "whoa" a lot, occasionally comments on things in Swedish, believes in being honourable, and has a weird destiny that requires him to protect a certain girl. He usually has dreams that are extremely similar to TV shows, including the blockbuster hit "The Yarslov Show". He likes Ikea and thinks he's froody, kinda likes Lumi, and hates Hugh for what he did to the dojo. He's also a bit overprotective of Shelly (which she hates... can you believe it? ^_^), hates Leonardo with a passion, and likes Fifi the maid, since she's quite friendly towards him.
Yarslov partakes in Beach Chair Fighting, and fights with a metal beach chair. Special Attacks include:
RISING CHAIR FIRE, OR SOMETHING: Just like Ikea's move. Except for the "or something". He can also use this to actually throw the ki blast at a target.
FALLING CHAIR FIRE, OR SOMETHING: Yarslov leaps into the air and brings down a ki-powered chair over his opponent's head. This is actually a revision of the Rising Chair Fire.
Queen Radiance is a legendary and mysterious warrior from the last Furniture Warrior tournament, where she died; the Ottoman Emperor desires her, and has waited for a thousand years for her to return. It appears that she's somehow connected to Lumi...
Since Queen Radiance has yet to make an appearance, her fighting style and techniques are unknown; however, according to ancient manuscripts, it involved glowing orbs and lightning...
Villains:
Mainly the Ottoman Empire and the people that support it.
Full name Hugh Gogh. Ikea's eternal enemy, Hugh is a painter who got thrown out from the Tibetan dojo for commiting a horrible crime; he painted all their furniture in teal, mauve and aqua-marine, something that just couldn't be accepted.
Hugh hates Ikea and Yarslov, and is having a bit of a relationship with Fifi (the lingeried one). He loves wearing bright and colourful clothes, has pink hair, writes horribly BORING speeches, and uses Artistry-jutsu, which involves, among other things, throwing paintbrushes like daggers, and with apparently the same lethality.
In #5, Hugh has begun to catch a glimpse of his master's plans... and he doesn't like it.
Hugh's boss. TALKS LIKE THIS, and is rumored to be named Otto. His fighting-style is unknown, but it is said that he uses the furniture taken from his fallen opponents. Such a strategy could be truly lethal...
The Emperor desires Queen Radiance, and has plans for Lumi.
Scheming, bossy, evil, and lingeried. This is Fifi. Owner of La Radison, France, Public Cultural Person, and very dominatrix and sadistic, Fifi practices Pillow Fighting, in which she uses depleted uranium-lined pillows.
Fifi has blonde hair, and wears nothing but high heels and lingerie (although several layers of it). She has a relation with Hugh and is an old friend of Mick's, and also has some plans for Lumi...
"This is Shrimp, master of Ottoman Empire Crack Claw Seafood Restaurant Style Furniture Warrior Martial Arts. He can lift three pounds and eats rice and water. Ready?"
Shrimp is two foot tall, wears black ninja robes, and fights using a salad spoon and a little wooden mallet. He usually attacks at his opponent's most vulnerable spot.
The Emperor's secretary, the crisp and efficient Miss Oeru. Her plan to undermine the warriors' fighting spirit by giving them overly opulent rooms seems to work perfectly, except for the case of Ikea...
Miss Oeru practices Office Fighting and wields, among other things, a file cabinet.
Her name is derived from the term O.L. : Office Lady.
The Ottoman Empire's official mad scientist. Really short, cackling, and quite mad. Dr. Pfischer created Livewire, likes to make horrible inventions out of kitchen appliances, and plans an especially horrible experiment known as "Project Deep Freeze". In #6, he's captured Fifi the maid specially for this horror...
Since he is a member of the Ottoman Empire main staff, Dr. Pfischer does practice a fighting style, but of what kind is secret, at the moment.
"She had the build of an opera singer (or possibly two opera singers, duct-taped together) and tended to give the immediate impression that she not only had a metal brassiere in her closet, but the winged helmet and the spear that went with it. There was a standing bet amongst many in the Ottoman Empire that one day she would forget herself and burst into a chorus of "Hoiyotoho!" So far, she had never done such a thing, but quite a few gamblers retained hope, as well as a large betting pool."
Sophia is one of the Emperor's champions, a huge muscular woman with a ridiculous German accent. She fights with a sofa and can break anything by sheer weight alone. She resents Livewire.
A huge, almost manlike creation, Livewire is what Frankensteins' Monster would have been, had Dr. Frankenstein used kitchen appliances instead of body parts. Instead, he's Dr. Pfischer's Monster. Livewire is another of the Emperor's champions. In #7, he gets destroyed by Master Chronos Tickingclock... but is the kitchen horror really down and out?
Parts that make up Livewire's body include: EZ-Make Oven for head, electronic eggbeater and electric knife sharpener for fingers, and an electric mixer for one of his hands.
Livewire practices Kitchen Appliance Fighting, since it would be hard for him to do anything else. Attacks include:
TOSUTAA SUTURIIKU: Livewire produces a red-hot eight-slice toaster, hanging by the cord, and uses it as a mace.
Formerly Fifi the maid, now horribly transfigured through Project Deep Freeze... Frigidaire Fifi is six foot tall, has aluminium and plastic skin covered with ice crystals, and can pull out milk bottles from her stomach. Her breath steams and probably a little lamp lits when she opens her mouth, too...
Frigidaire Fifi practices Kitchen Fighting and uses various things found in a refrigerator.
Others:
A fierce and angry girl *SMASH!* Ow... woman, Shelly seeks to gain her due respect as a Furniture Warrior. To this end, she's skipped school for about a year to train and get into tournaments... unfortunately, no one takes her seriously until she beats them up. Her real name is Sheila, although if you use it, she'll hurt you.
Shelly hates her father Mick, as he's deserted her for almost all her life, and never pays the child support on time. She resents Yarslov a bit for being extremely over-protective, and hates Leonardo (in #6, he tried to smooth-talk her and accidently called her "A little tart"). She's also 1/56 part Tibetan, and VERY DISTANTLY related to Ikea and Lumi-chan; Lumi-chan keeps calling her "Next-next-next-next-next-or-something-cousin Shelly".
Shelly practices Desk-Fu and uses a (literally) heavy arsenal of desks, ranging from metal kindergarten desks, to antique varnished oak tables.
Being a hustler by heart and a fighter by necessity (or was it the other way around?), Mick makes his living through hustling, occasionally beating up his opponents when he loses. Mick is an old friend of Fifi's (one of his 'droogs', as he refers to her). He's also the father of Shelly, and why he ran away is unclear; in #7, he comments on it "Kids are messy wessy creatures, yes? Not dandy at all." If this is his true feelings on the matter remains to see...
Mick talks with a Cockney accent, and practices Hustler Fighting. He fights with a pool cue and occasionally pool balls.
Mysterious, very cute girl who fights with a curtain rod, with attached flower-pattern curtains. Her name is at the moment unknown, and she has a score to settle with Fifi, dealing with a few lingerie designs; apparently being tied to a bed played in, too. Although not officially invited to the tournament, she has allowed herself in, more or less. She also has the tendency to blend into the shadows, which looks pretty damn cool in well-lit areas.
Yoshi and his friend Tony come from a small Earth-like sub-dimension, in which they had been trapped for some time. He appears to have quite a lot of knowledge about the Ottoman Empire, and likes to occasionally exposit on it.
Yoshi is cool and bishonen, has long black hair, and wears really black clothes. Tony claims, although not publicly, that his name actually isn't Yoshi...
Yoshi practices Hi-Fi Fu, which involves CD-players and amplifiers. Special attacks include:
SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR EARDRUMS: 130dB of loud industrial music is played through his trademark amplifier, sending his opponent flying several yards.
Yoshi's friend, and also stranded in the strange sub-dimension. Tony isn't as cool and bishonen as Yoshi, and is generally the more normal person of the couple. Tony wears cammie fatigue pants, khaki t-shirt, dog tags, and a fake beard, for no apparent reason. Apparently, the occupants of the strange sub-dimension takes to some weird behavior... Yoshi also claims that his real name actually isn't Tony.
Tony practices Lamp-Fu, and fights with a floor lamp. He's very posessive of it.
A young crazed teenager who wants to enter the tournament for reasons unknown. However, he doesn't seem to be able to figure out that he's supposed to fight using furniture, so he keeps challenging people with ordinary weapons instead... and getting beaten up for it. However, a few beatings isn't enough to keep him down... ^_^
The psychotic kid also came from the same sub-dimension as Yoshi and Tony, which may explain a few things...
A New Age believer, Evelyn believs in peace, love and understanding, so why she's trying to brain people with an amorphous mass of a beanbag is unclear.
Evelyn fights with a bean bag, and her attacks include:
RELAXING BEANBAG CHAIR BUFFET: Her main attack... a mid-height swing at the target.
The official competitor for Shelly's heart, Leonardo is smooth-talking, slick, and randomly spouts out Italian phrases. Since he uses beds as his weapons, there is no place that he can't get...er...cozy with Shelly. The only thing stopping him from getting...cozy with Shelly is...well...Shelly.
Leonardo practices Bed Fighting, and fights with... beds. In #6, he received an offer from the Emperor to join the dark side in exchange for power, and took this into consideration... however in #7, he refused.
Born Joanie from Brooklyn, she adopted a really bad accent and dressed up as a French maid to keep people from discovering her true origins. She is rather good friend with Shelly, and is also friends (with some hopes of being more) with Yarslov. In #6, she was captured by Dr. Pfischer, and turned into the being known as Frigidaire Fifi.
Fifi battles with a chandelier (which she learned from Jarvis, an English butler), and uses these attacks:
FACILE NETTOYAGE GRÈVE = (French) "Easy Clean Strike"
Chandelier snaps out like a giant yo-yo from hell on its expandable
chain...
ATTAQUE DE ROTATION DE LA MORT = (French) "Spinning Attack of
Death"
Charged with ki, the chandelier spins like a maniacal top, while Fifi
surfs on it...
Looks like a scarecrow, fights with wicker chairs, and isn't very good at all. His ability to say really stupid lines and get everybody to facefault might be useful.
Secret Attacks:
TRENDY WICKERWORK SECRET STRIKE: Piers yells this in his opponent's ears, momentarily stunning them, and shoves them onto a wicker chair, becuase nobody can withstand the inherent itchiness of wickerwork. This amazing technique doesn't work if the opponent is wearing adequate clothing, though.
Dresses like a ninja, and fights with coffee implements... As a side effect of his martial art, Fojarusu is on an eternal caffeine high (like Phoebe, but with coffee). Unfortunately, he has to regularly consume espresso lest he fall asleep.
Fojarusu is a master at Coffeetable-Fu, which is the art of fighting with anything involving serving coffee. (Similar to Martial Arts Tea Ceremony.)
Middle-sized, mild-mannered man, the most distinctive quality of this person is the fact that he has a ticking sound which follows him all around. Whether it's just one clock or just many clocks in perfect sync has been yet to be seen, but it's most likely the latter. (If it IS the latter, he should probably become an honorary Swissman. :) Shows no emotion at all, or at least only does rarely. Once again, another Swiss quality. A nice and calm person, but don't let his mild manner deceive you - Master Tickingclock is a most worthy opponent.
Master of the art of Clock-Fu, Master Tickingclock's main weapon is a giant grandfather clock.
Special Attacks:
GRANDFATHER PENDULUM SWING: Swings out his clock in an overhead motion and lets it hang there. Used in conjunction with:
ULTIMATE AGING: The grandfather clock's face glows with ki, and an aging beam engulfs his opponent. With each *bong* of the clock, his opponent gets older and older until said opponent degrades.
A true Bathroom Warrior, Mistress Aquamarine wears a bathrobe in battle, concealing her weapons of choice. In fact, it makes her look like a giant teddy bear.
A practitioner of Bathroom fighting (in some circles known as Toilet-Fu), Mistress Aquamarine's weapons of choice are toilets and toilet brushes. Special attacks include:
DEEP SCRATCHING: Basic physical kata where Aquamarine takes several swipes with her toilet brush.
KNOSSOS HALF FLUSHING: Aquamarine whips out a toilet and dunks her opponent in it.
KNOSSOS FULL FLUSHING: Although the one attempt at it so far was interrupted, we can safely assume that Aquamarine would put her opponent in it and flush the toilet a number of times.
Background characters
Ikea's and Lumi's father and teacher, and master of the Tibetan Furniture Warrior dojo. Ikea refers to him as 'Sensei'. He's afraid that Ikea's dedication to the Art is going to be the indirect downfall of the dojo. He also doesn't like accepting outsiders into the dojo.
A tibetan monk who decided to back off rather than fight against Ikea. Wise decision.
A monk who walks by at one point to catch Oakcraft's megaphone. Yes, that's all he does in the fic. Unemployment really is degrading, isn't it?
A monk who made a prize-winning ship in a bottle.
The strongest man in Paris, he has pectorals the size of toddlers. Gaston then gets beaten up by Shrimp in a VERY humiliating way, just to prove the superiority of the Ottoman Empire.
He speaks with a british accent and drives the really black superdimensional bus. IDEA: He also does a lot of odd jobs around the Ottoman Citadel.
Works in the easily-breakable lounge off the Guest Lobby.
This character guide was written by Jonatan Streith.
Assistance by:
Yasha
Lawrence Chu
The dgml
Comments, suggestions, ideas and caffeinated beverages sent to: J_Streith@telebot.net