Furniture Warriors


                PART EIGHTEEN: "Untitled!"
                                   or
                       The Apparently Untitled Episode!
                                   or
                            Cheesy Use of Irony!


                  (Formerly) A Spoof Chase Production
                                   NOW
                       An ImproFanfic Production
                 (http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic)


              A Furniture Warriors ImproFanfic created by
                        Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne


                       This episode by Eric Jones


       (All characters copyright Nihana-san, obviously.  If I ever
       even considered claiming that these were my own characters
       I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced
       to eat my David Bowie CD collection to live.)


=====


What happened in previous chapters:

Previously, there was no recap, and the story managed to go on anyways.

HOWEVER, tradition being an important bastion of all that is right and
true
in the fine art of the Furniture Warrior, and to appease those with
short-term memory problems, to whit:

The furniture warriors, called such even without any access to their
furniture, were held in the Ottoman Empire's dimension by the new
leader-of-the week, Marlo, former running gag and now The Rock imitator.

Yarslov and Fifi (formerly of fridges, not lingerie) chased Dr.
Shockwave
into the Kingdom of Radiance (which was surprisingly unradiant at the
moment) trying to save Shelly.  There, the not-villianous scientist
revealed the Flaming Avocado of Doom.  Which didn't have a nefarious
purpose, apparently.  What it does, no one could tell.

Meanwhile, Ikea had teamed up with the Emperor Formerly known as the
Emperor of the Ottoman Empire, and his lackey and true mad scientist,
Dr.
Pfisher.  What the former head villain and the protagonist of the story
were doing together, no one knew.

Yarslov had a froody vision which told him he could access
FurnitureSpace
because Mick's unconscious mind had somehow slipped into his brain after
Mick's body slipped into a coma.  How that happened, and why no one has
tried to resuscitate Mick, is also a mystery.

Yarslov's dream self told him to wake up, because he needed to see what
was
happening.  Of course, we don't know what that is about either.


=====


None of which matters, because our story starts with Dark Queen
Radiance,
who was nowhere near any of these people.  She was brooding, or at least
trying to brood.  It appeared as something more akin to sulking, but
that
was too cute and not evil enough for a nasty nasty villain like herself.

She'd looked everywhere, but she could not find her ICE CREAM.  Ever
since
that mean trap had failed to supply her with even trace amounts of the
yummy goodness (which was okay, even for bad, bad people like herself),
she
couldn't find it anywhere.

Not only were there not any to be found in the freezers of the kitchen,
there weren't any freezers at all.  In fact, there was nothing in the
kitchen whatsoever.  No fridges; no stoves; no chairs to sit down in; 
no
tables to place the ice cream down on; not even a shelf to find a spoon
in!
It all pointed to one obvious conclusion, at least as far as she was
concerned.

"Brother...  Taking my ice cream before made me annoyed.  But now, I'm
[VERY], {VERY} angry!"  She cried, her aura flaring a hitherto unknown
shade of black.  The light bulbs on top of her head glowed blackly on a
black background, so dark it was actually sucking in light from the
surrounding area.

Dark Queen Radiance had truly awoken.

=====

In a secluded hall, in the far corner of the Ottoman Empire's castle,
echoes of wood striking steel reverberated across the room.  Grunts of
human strain were the only things that disrupted Ikea's spiritual
connection to the harmonious and pure sound of furniture being used to
beat
people senseless.  In this case, one more so than the other.

"YOU MUST LEARN TO BLOCK A LITTLE FASTER."  The emperor recommended to
Dr.
Pfisher, who was currently spending his time admiring the floor.

"It...  Has been quite some time..."  Pfisher managed weakly, getting up
to
his feet.

"But time is something we have little of."  Ikea replied stoically (of
course).  This Marlo will surely challenge someone today.  It is
unlikely
anyone else will challenge him, so we must be ready."

"I understand that..."  wheezed Pfisher, "But my body doesn't seem to go
along with the plan very well.  Are you sure I can't just create another
Livewire?"

"QUITE CERTAIN."  Said the Emperor, "THAT IS, UNLESS YOU DON'T VALUE
YOUR
SPINE."

"Round four it is."  Pfisher replied weakly.

Ikea watched the pair, noting carefully as they sparred.  Had Yoshi been
training them, he would have chastised certain warriors for not grasping
Lesson One very well.  Or at all really.  Ikea was denied the chance to
harmonize with the sound of furniture clashing, as Pfisher was sent
crashing to the floor once again.

"MAYBE THAT'S ENOUGH FOR HIM FOR TODAY."

"Maybe."  Ikea agreed.

The Emperor kneeled down, grasping the unconscious doctor by the scruff
of
his shirt, and began dragging him out of the room.  "IF YOU'LL EXCUSE
ME,
I'LL PUT HIM AWAY BEFORE WE BEGIN OUR SESSION."

"Of course."

The Emperor strolled out of the room, looking eminently pleased with
himself.  "THIS HAS BEEN QUITE A PRODUCTIVE DAY ALREADY; I DON'T KNOW
WHY I
DIDN'T THINK OF THIS SOONER, DOCTOR...."

Ikea shook his head minutely as the pair left.  As much as it made him
uneasy (in a relative sense) to side with former enemies, he had no real
choice at the moment.  What else could he do?  Yarslov was nowhere to be
found, nor Shelly, or any of the warriors that he knew.  Worse yet, he
had
not seen Lumi-chan since their encounter at the water fountain a good
number of days ago.

This bothered Ikea more than working with the Emperor, really.  He
yearned
to rescue his friends, but defeating Marlo had to come first.  If he
wasn't
stopped, the fate of the Earth would be in jeopardy.  As much as it came
close to displeasing him, he had to face Marlo first.  Hopefully none of
his friends were in too dire a situation...

=====

"Whoa..."

Yarslov opened his eyes from his vision-ridden slumber, to a definitely
not-froody situation.  There wasn't much to see, really, but the
satellite
dish glowing with energy right in front of his face was more than enough
to
keep his attention.

The other thing that caught his eye was the fact that Fifi was like,
right
beside him, all tied up to him and stuff.  This was also not froody, at
least not in the current situation.

Well beyond the satellite stood the form of Dr. Shockwave, with the
still-prone body of Shelly draped over his shoulder.  He gave the pair a
pained glance.

"I'm sorry for having to put you both in this situation...  But I really
must find out how Queen Radiance was turned to the side of evil."  Dr.
Shockwave said while absently adjusting a few dials on his wrist
computer.

Yarslov cleared his head, a simple task at worst.  He was still trying
to
recover from the latest confusing episode of 'Yarslov TV'.  One thing
stuck
out in his mind, but he had no idea why.  "But, dude..."

Shockwave didn't even deign to look up at the pair as he continued
tapping
away.  "I'm doing this for the better good of everyone.  Recovering the
Queen is of utmost importance."

"Like..."

"I'm sorry."  Shockwave said, as a portal opened up in front of him, "I
cannot let you interfere with my plans any more than you already have. 
I
will not kill you uneccessarily though; if you do not struggle, the
satellite will die down ten seconds after my portal is gone."

"Umm..."

"This might be considered cruel, leaving you on a dead world.  Do not
worry
though; as soon as I discover how to recover the Queen, I will come back
and rescue you.  Hopefully Mick succeeded in his mission."

Shockwave turned to leave, not even sparing the pair a second glance. 
He
stepped through the portal, which generated too much noise for him to
hear
Yarslov's cry.

"Dude!  I like....  know where he is."  He finished glumly, as the
portal
disappeared.  As promised, the satellite's energy died down, and the
ropes
released themselves, freeing the pair of warriors.    Fifi, apparently
victim to one of Shockwave's mind control rays, slumped to the ground in
an
unconscious heap.

Yarslov took a moment to examine his surroundings.  Still in the weird
room, still lots of needless flashing lights.  And that avocado was
still
hanging overhead, with glowy-rod things sticking out of it.

Of course, it hadn't been half that big before...

=====

Elsewhere, back in the Ottoman Empire, the former Emperor, who was still
named 'The Emperor' for reasons unknown, was fuming.  He sat on the
floor,
facing an empty corner of the wall of his room, the semi-conscious body
of
Dr. Pfisher laying beside him.

"IF YOU HADN'T BEEN SO FOOLISH, I WOULD BE WATCHING RED DWARF RIGHT NOW.
AT THIS MOMENT, I'D EVEN BE WATCHING SEASON SIX."

Pfisher merely groaned.

"SERVES YOU RIGHT.  IT'S PERSONAL WHEN YOU GET BETWEEN ME AND MY RED
DWARF,
YOU SEE."

"zzory."  Pfisher managed.

Slowly, the Emperor got to his feet.  "REMIND ME WHY WE'RE DOING THIS.
IKEA WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR ENEMY."

Pfisher sighed, rolling his eyes like he'd already explained this a
hundred
times.  Which, like many things in this story, was a strange
coincidence.
"Because," Pfisher started, once his jaw decided to begin working, "Ikea
is
the only person aside from Marlo with access to FurnitureSpace."

"BUT WE DECIDED TO JOIN HIM BEFORE WE KNEW THAT."

"Err, yes, but we can ignore that part.  The second reason is more
important anways: he is the only person who can defeat Queen Radiance."

"AND THAT'S A GOOD THING, RIGHT?"

"At this moment, I hope so.  Besides, if we push Ikea the right way, we
might be able to have him join our cause..."

The Emperor's eyes brightened at this. "REALLY?  HOW?"

Pfisher raised a pinky to his lips, smiling evilly.  "That, my lord, is
a
secret."

"OH.  I SUPPOSE WE SHOULD TRAIN SOME MORE, THEN.  IN CASE YOUR PLAN
FAILS."

Pfisher paled visibly, dropping the evil routine rather quickly.  "No
need
my lord, no need for that!  Ha ha ha...."  he said nervously, before
pulling a chart out of nowhere.  "It's quite simple, you see.  Ikea's
major
attack, the 'blazing fire inferno', has two different types.  The first
method is to concentrate pure ki into the move, and then release it. 
This
is the more powerful version, but harder to summon.  The second method
involves focusing one's own negative emotions into something
approximating
ki, summoning it, and releasing it.  It looks the same, but is weaker,
and
much, much easier to perform."

The Emperor may had look interested, if he hadn't dozed off by this
point.
"ZZZ...  EH?  ERR, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

"It means," Pfisher said patiently, "That if we encourage him to use the
easy method, he will become used to summoning negative feelings, which
will
lead him towards becoming... a more negative individual, shall we say."

"'USE YOUR HATE, AND STRIKE ME DOWN.', THEN."

Dr. Pfisher sighed. "I don't think it's a good idea to tell him that
he's
your son, though."

"OH, CAN'T I?"

=====

In the medical ward of the Ottoman Empire castle, a completely sane
doctor
(yes some of them do exist) was examining a patient.  Or more to the
point,
he was trying to. It was very hard to perform any kind of examination
when
you lacked a bed to lay the patient down in, or a trolley to hold your
medical equipment on.  Or anything for that matter.

It was almost enough to make a sane doctor go mad, which is why it was
probably a good thing that Doctor Shockwave entered the scene before the
unnamed doctor became another plot device to the story.

Having no tools to work with, the tournament doctor gladly handed the
job
over to the nice man, who certainly looked like he knew what he was
doing.
And subsequently ran away from the area, and find something to vent his
frustrations on.  Who knows, he might become a plot device yet.

Regardless, Doctor Shockwave ignored the possibility entirely, too
engrossed with finally seeing Mick to care much.  ~Of course this is why
he
never checked in~, Shockwave thought, ~obviously someone caught on to
him,
and silenced him before he could report to me.~

Shockwave did have medical equipment he could use to try and revive the
comatose warrior, but he'd left it all behind in a universe that
furniture
hadn't been banished from.  Where two unbound and presumably irate
prisoners were.

"Such is the price of victory..."  Shockwave lamented to himself,
picking
up the prone figure of Mick.  "Well then Mick, let's have a reunion with
your daughter..."

=====

Dark Queen Irradience, as the dark warrior formerly known as Lumi-Chan
had
started calling herself, was beginning to get frustrated.  It wasn't
just
the castle's main kitchen that was missing a freezer to hold ice
cream...
ALL of them were.  This was unacceptable. This was a slap in the face.
This called for vengeance.

"Brother, I am going to get soooo evil nasty on your bottom!"  She
cried,
looking more imposing than before, but still not able to really pull it
off
vocally.  "I will have my revenge, and then, I will HAVE my ice
cream!!!"

Dark Queen Irradience stomped off down the hall in search of her
brother,
completely unaware of two figures watching her with extreme interest. 
Both
Yoshi and Miss Oeru pondered how to use this information to their
advantage.

=====

Ikea walked calmly down into the main hallway of the castle.  The
Emperor
had never shown up again, and the gong sounding the beginning of another
day of the tourney had been rung.  So, he found himself filing into yet
another fighting arena area, sitting down patiently, waiting for the
newly-crowned emperor to finish his posturing speech.

"...so I tell you Jabronis, Marlo says it doesn't MATTER what you think!
I'm gonna come down on your candy asses so hard, you won't know.."

Even for his settled, stoic mind, Ikea couldn't help but imagine that
Marlo
was becoming just as long-winded as Hugh, only more self-absorbed.  If
nothing else, hopefully all the talking would wear him out.

"...so in summary, can you smeeeelllll...."

Marlo broke off into a long series of eyebrow twitches and poses.  Ikea
sniffed the air lightly.  Apparently he couldn't.

"...what Marlo's cookin'?"

In spite of their being no stimulation to his olfactory senses, a
majority
of the other warriors leapt to their feet.  "Oh yes!"  some cried.  "Of
course we do, your Marlo-ness!"  said others, groveling shamelessly.

Marlo sneered at the group.  "I guess this means that you losers don't
have
a problem with my winning this tournament?"

Ikea looked around carefully.  The Emperor and Pfisher were nowhere to
be
seen.  Everyone aside from himself in the hall was on their feet,
obviously
too afraid to stand up against the boy's power.

Slowly, Ikea moved his way towards the front of the group of warriors. 
"I
do."  he said quietly, when he was finally beyond the throng of jobbers.

Marlo grinned.  "I was hoping _someone_ would.  I wouldn't want to win
without having a bit of fun first!"  with that, he pulled his hands deep
into FurnitureSpace, and pulled out...  a simple oaken chair.  Ikea's
simple oaken chair, to be precise.

Ikea's eyebrow threatened to move more than fractionally for the first
time
in his life.  He was a sea of calm, one with the furniture- a poster boy
for zen tranquility.  But this really, really came close to annoying
him.

=====


END PART NINETEEN!


Stay tuned for Furniture Warriors...
PART TWENTY : Smell what Marlo's Cookin'!

HUMOUR!  MAYHEM!  COOKIN'(presumably)!   THE ACTUAL USAGE OF FURNITURE!



    In the next installment of Furniture Warriors, written by...

                            Jake Wallace!




Author's notes:
Well, this part didn't actually involve furniture as John promised, more
like dealt with the lack of it!  My bad.  ;)

Hope you enjoyed the part.  It was a little rushed, but I covered all
the
plot points I aimed to.  It had a far more serious tone to it than I
intended, but c'est la vie.


   Eric Jones
   mikado@maison-otaku.net