Somewhere, four young teenagers find themselves fighting to save a young woman with magical powers from the likes of gods, wizards, and savages. Thrust into a world beyond their imagination, they are.... ...currently wrapped up in another saga, so these people will have to do. _____________________________________________________________________________ Do-Gooders The Pro-Active Youth Superhero Team with no AV anywhere in their title (though at least three O's). A Fanart HQ/Spoof Chase Improfanfic http://www.improfanfic.com Started by: Stefan Gagne (twoflowr@pixelscapes.com) Episode 57: Shopping and Singing! But what if nightmares come true? by Nicholas Eckert, a.k.a. the Vidstudent (vidstudent@hotmail.com) _____________________________________________________________________________ I realize that, by now, most of you that are following have been with this story for at least half of a year, and not only know what's going on, but can guess what I'm putting just below these three sentences. However, we must always assume that some newbie just wandered in, having been told by a good friend to come look at this whacked-out writing they just pulled up, and so it was that they start reading this with the last chapter. So, to make it easier on us all, without further ado, the recap. Tejina started a band with her friends, Kireiko and Matsuro. They settled on a superhero theme, which was more appropriate than any of them wanted to admit: Tejina had a magical pen that left her in a short-skirted fuku with shopping powers; Matsuro could influence the end of the world with a sword that gave new meaning to the phrase "get in my belly" and came out just as easily; and Kireiko's demon-hunting mom had an extra-marital affair with a demon to produce him. Their otaku manager, Becky, got them a couple of gigs in the worst places, until she found out she could don a fuku as well, or a trenchcoat with a Glock 9mm in the pocket. Their archenemy's daughter, Aki, took the role of former princess of the sailors for irony's sake, while her incompetently evil dad, Nemesis Serendipity Villyn, took charge of the wackiest five minions imaginable and fell in love with the queen of the evil universe (here called the DarkVerse, or sometimes the DrabVerse), Charity Darkness Vengeance. Together with Charity's generals, a magically beatified practitioner of the near-darkest arts, and the odd group of advisors and sages, they prevented the overthrow of said DarkVerse by more competent management, i.e. Supreme General Esjie, a.k.a. Yoi Maeda, a.k.a. blindingly white scum. Next came the arrival of dragons, heralding the beginning of the end; at least, according to Matsuro's dreams. Twenty Swords of Duality, under the care of two dwarves named Balin and Dalin (who, like all dwarves, could spit into White Lightning and still increase the alcohol content), began disappearing from the storehouses of Valhalla and appearing in the hands of many. A rival band, the Dragon Childe, sprung up, first as foes, later as uneasy friends, and currently as vampires. Sides were drawn, too complex to list here, between those who wish to seal evil away with an iron fist and those who wish to bring har to all the good little boys and girls. As the time grew near and the five gods - four of the witchless winds, one of the center of the Earth (whose lair might be reached after a long journey) - were gathered in a small room in the infamous Tokyo Tower that locked from the outside, it became apparent that the time was not near. It in fact only seemed that way due to the ministrations of one Baron von Stagner of the Kingdom of Obscurity. His aim was, and is still, to bring his kingdom back to Prominence (by blowing up the competition) and reclaim his lost love, the One, from stone; to do so, he wishes to kill Aki, one of the Three of the One, and he makes his plans from his vantage point high above a cup of tea. With that temporarily out of the way, the path was clear...for the Cult of Cthulhu Local 39924-91, that is. Having been to that point unsuccessful in attempts to return their god to this world and give him Jodi Foster as a bride, they got lucky. Capturing the half-oni drummer Kireiko and convincing Ms. Foster's lawyers to make a deal, they began the ceremony that would change Kireiko into the avatar of the dreaming dead god. Gratefully, before the ceremony could finish, in stepped sailors Light, Despair, and Hatred, all of the DarkVerse Failed Experimental Group (and known informally as Mariko, Yaki, and Yumeki, corresponding in that order), as well as the local competition for evil god worship, Shubby-Chan's Happy Happy Joy Joy Fun Club Local 39924-91. Jodi backed out of the deal, and Kireiko counted his blessings...until he got home, took off his shirt, and found tentacles where claws should be. Things got progressively worse when the ofuda sewn on his shirts began to burn from Cthulhu's power, but he didn't mind for a while. He now found himself with worshippers all around bringing him gifts, and Hanaki by his side (though a rather concerned Hanaki). However, when members of the Seals kidnapped his girl, Kireiko gave in fully to Cthulhu to save her, which was, in retrospect, a really, really dumb thing to do. It was only through the intervention of his friends, the World's Biggest Ofuda, the Harbringers, and the Icon of Rapturous Delight and the Emblem of Delightful Rapture (which, incidentally, the group had been trying to find for about fifty chapters' worth of time), that Cthulhu was firmly convinced that he should leave Kireiko's body right then and go posess his faithful servant, Brother Maynard, instead. Most recently, these spurned enemies have begun their return. Maeda, skilled political manipulator with generally sound hygiene and evil practices, has become second only to Shubby-chan herself, sending former cultist Wataru out onto the cold streets of Honshuu to be picked up by two young ladies, Yukiko and Rika. Baron von Stagner, having given up on everyone else, has taken an old evil adage to heart and is going after Aki himself, rather than manipulate everyone else on the block. Cthulhu has called the Deep One who is not as eminent as the supreme eminence of Cthulhu to gather much larger armies if they're going after Shub-Niggurath's cult, which they apparently are. Meanwhile, other small plots go on. Tejina's found stable love with Sakyou, one of the Harbringers (a group of which she herself is a member). This is good, since Kireiko and Matsuro are taken by Hanaki and the dark magic user mentioned way above, known as Keiko, respectively. Aki herself has decided to take up the offer of a date from Hiryuu, a boy who changes into a blue dragon and takes honesty to a whole new level, in a rather desperate attempt to get the over-protective minions assigned as guard by an over-protective evil father off her back for five seconds. Tejina, her sister, Hanaki, and their mother who thinks she's their sister, the talkative Ayame, are off shopping to the protests of one Master Chiang from the old Kingdom of Delight. The amateurish DarkVerse sailors, with the help of a lizard and homicidal bunny rabbit, are trying to get back into (or at, if you're the advisors) the DarkVerse by getting Keiko on their side by obtaining the Banner of the Darkverse by talking a dumbfounded Matsuro into giving it to them by capturing Aki. Wish them luck, because not only is that as hopeless as it sounds, but they somehow managed to let precisely the wrong people know about that last part, and they're going to need all the luck you can wish 'em.... _____________________________________________________________________________ Stakeouts are a common occurance among police and mafia alike. It's perhaps the most boring thing in existance, leaving your adrenaline pumped up high with no place to go. The slightest event, in such circumstances, can set off chaos, false alarm or no. A raven relieved himself on a rabbit hiding in the bushes. Most rabbits likely wouldn't mind much. This one had a switchblade. "Excuse me," it said softly, and bounded out of the brush where it had been hidden along with three fuku-clad girls and a lizard. The raven settled nearby on a statue of some guy in fancy armor. The bunny, whom we shall call Cecil so as not to offend him by using, say, "Bunny-wunny" or "Cute little hippity-hop", addressed the bird. "Hey, feather-duster, what's the idea of going to the bathroom over my fur coat?" "I did not see you there," lied the raven, as he'd seen the whole party camping outside, just nearby a large, better camouflaged tent. "Oh, my, it's Cecil! How nice to see you again. Pray, what is that in your hand?" "Edgar," said Cecil, seething. "I heard the story from Yoru. You hurt my sailor's feelings. Prepare to die." He flicked open the blade and made small hops in the blackbird's direction. "Why, Cecil, you make it sound like I killed your father or something." The bird cackled. "I suppose you've killed many other things in your lifetime over trivial matters. In cold blood too, no doubt." "You've been around long enough to know the answer to that," said Cecil, his knife close to a feathery throat. "What's it to ya?" "Oh, nothing, nothing. I was just...listening." "To what?" Cecil looked rather perplexed, and, suddenly, just the slightest bit nervous. "I'm not sure, honestly. It's rather faint, but, if I were to guess, it would have to be the beat of a drum, or, perhaps, something similar...." Cecil began to twitch. "No...no, it can't be...not at all." He laughed at himself, obviously more nervous than he wished to show. The raven looked thoughtful, as ravens go. "Hmm...now that I think about it, it seems more...subtle...than a drum. It must be something else, then. It is quite rhythmic, though...ba-dum...ba-dum...ba-dum...." Cecil began to lose it. "No...no...I _killed_ you, buried you...haunt me no more!" "Ah," said Edgar, with apparent dawning comprehension. "Now I recall the sound." "You can't know! The sound doesn't exist! I left no trace! No...!" "It seems," quoth the raven, "to be..the tell-tale beating of a heart." _____________________________________________________________________________ The sailors and lizard watched as their companion rabbit went instantly insane, losing control of his actions to a screaming, laughing fit found commonly in asylums across Japan. "What's up with him?" asked Yaki, whispering. Kahi snarled. He knew that feather-duster. "Looks like the furball finally went insane," said Mariko, still sore from the fight in the apartment. "Well, that's one less advisor. A pity." She spat to emphasize the pity she felt. "Sure is," said the minion known as the Quake Camper. "Uh, Yumeko," said Mariko, "that wasn't you commenting, was it?" "No," said Yumeko, "that would be the guy behind us with the pack and... rocket...launcher...aimed at us. Swell." For once, thoughts of the size of of the weapon did not come to mind. Charity called to them from the house. "Come on in for tea," said the elegant Queen of the DarkVerse, smiling evilly. "We have much to talk about, I hear." Mariko winced. "Oh.............$#!+." _____________________________________________________________________________ Downtown a ways, Tejina, Hanaki, and Ayame were doing what ladies did best. "Ooh, these shoes are just to die for!" "And they'd go great with your hair, Ayame," said Tejina, getting out her checkbook powered by the allowance that only two lawyers' salaries can provide. "You know, Tejina, you haven't bought anything yet." Hanaki eyed a pair of high heels. "And you're the one going on the date today, not us." "I know," said Tejina. "Haven't seen anything yet." Paying for Ayame's orange pumps (summer was setting in, and Ayame's seasonal hair was heralding the event), they left the shoe store and walked to the food court for refreshments. There, over by the nacho stand, sharing an order of pepper steak, were Aki and Hiryuu. "Hey, Aki," called Tejina. "How are you two doing?" "Wonderful!" said Aki. "Hiryuu here's a bit nervous, but honest, and nice, and I don't have minions stumbling over me everywhere I look." "Don't be so sure," said Hanaki, glimpsing at the staff running the McDonald's booth, across from Yoshinoya. Aki grimaced. "Please tell me that's not who I think it is." "It's not who you think *oof*-" said Hanaki, as Tejina had heard enough of that line the last time. While the undefined face, to anyone else's eyes, didn't mean much, it tended to be a good tipoff to those, like Aki, who knew him all too well. "The Unnamed Minion." Aki groaned. "Why won't they leave me alone, already?" "They're worried about you," explained Ayame. "What with Shub-Niggurath capturing you, you being Villyn's only daughter and their personal goddess to worship..." She would have continued for a few more minutes, but her mouth got covered by wary allies. "So Shubby-chan's cult is after me. So what?" asked Aki. "I'll protect you!" chimed Hiryuu, like a good boyfriend. "I'll protect you!" chimed The Unnamed Minion, like a good minion. Aki buried her face in her hand, it being all she could really do. "Enough thinking about it for now," said Tejina. "I need an outfit for dating. What say we all pop over to that store over yonder" - so saying, she pointed in a general direction of no importance - "and see what we can find?" "Sounds good...gotta ditch the minion somehow. Care to come along, Hiryuu?" "It's boring, but sure. You're worth it." "Good. Let's shop." The five youth went off into the store, chatting away, leaving the minion to serve a large, just-arriving lunch hour crowd. _____________________________________________________________________________ In a back room of that very store, evil plots were being run through one last time, in the futile effort to make sure nothing went wrong. "Remember, once she's in the dressing room, verify it's her, then throw the corresponding switch." Maeda spoke slowly, mostly out of disdainful concern for the underling's brain capacity. "Right," said the Shubby-chan cultist. "And, if anyone comes down after them, kill them." "But not at the expense of the mission. If the whole team follows, just run for the checkpoint. Shubby-chan shall take care of the rest." "Sir, are you sure she's coming?" "They're all shopaholics. They'll visit every store in the mall, including ours, the shoe store, the book store, and the Web Geeks' Snack Shoppe. It's just time that matters...in fact, that would be them entering, now. Get ready. Do not fail me." "Aye, sir," said the cultist, and he turned to his monitor. _____________________________________________________________________________ Somewhere in between the monitor and the station, a person was sitting by a small box, sipping a cup of tea. "No way will I be offering you the opportunity to screw this up, pretty- boy." A switch was thrown on the box. The cultist didn't even notice his screen change. _____________________________________________________________________________ In another part of the store, a cultist of another kind sat, waiting, recalling instructions and trying not to be seen. "Let's see...wait for Aki to enter fitting room...cut wire...grab Aki... run for exit. Easy enough." He softly hummed a song so cute, I dare not describe it farther for fear of your sanity. _____________________________________________________________________________ "Oooooooooh." Tejina looked at the halter top. "Perfect." "That'll be great, Tejina." Aki smiled. "Oh, look at these slacks! I just hope they're my size...." "This dress will go great with those shoes!" Ayame had a long, frilly evening gown made for proms, balls, or King Kong masquerades. "Let's go try them on!" suggested Tejina, making for the three booths as the words were leaving her mouth. "I'll wait here," said Hiryuu, bracing himself. "I'll be back," said Hanaki, having no loved one to wait on in the store. "I'm going to check on getting a leather jacket for riding with Kireiko." "Cool," said Tejina. "We'll only be a few minutes." _____________________________________________________________________________ "Almost...." said the Shubby-chan cultist. _____________________________________________________________________________ "...there...." said the Cthulhu cultist. _____________________________________________________________________________ Three doors closed at once. Then, pandemonium reared its head of blood-red eyes and tentacles, throbbing, pulsing ventricles, and mucus-oozing pores, as well as some frightful claws. First, the lights went out. Next, the sound of a trap door opening was heard in the middle stall. "What...." said Tejina. "...the...." said Aki. "AAAAaaaaahhhhh...." said Ayame. Two magical girls blinked. Not that you could tell. Then, they transformed, along with Hanaki and the dragon Hiryuu, and set about fumbling about in the dark for a bit to open the latches until the the dragon took the direct approach of breaking them open, causing him to be blasted by a Joyful Cleansing Light. "Oh, Hiryuu. Sorry." "...blind...hurt...." "Aki, I need more of that light over here on this door!" "On it, Tejina. JOYFUL CLEANSING LIGHT!" "...oh, my eyes...head...*thud*" "Let's go. Come on, Hiryuu." And the four dove under the door after Ayame...well, three dove under the door, while one got half-dragged awake and through, and then down into the shaft. _____________________________________________________________________________ Thirty minutes later, the Cthulhu cultist would finally make it through the darkness to the door, followed by a couple of men with flashlights and nice blue uniforms. Not that it mattered by then. _____________________________________________________________________________ "And now, you understand the situation." Charity sipped her cup of tea. "You mean...we can't turn Keiko?" Mariko was slightly disappointed and very scared. The first emotion dealt with the information she was receiving. The second dealt with the large rocket launcher one Quake Camper was idly playing with, guarding the exit. "You could try, perhaps...but, then, I'd be forced to kill you." She smiled. Yumeko wished she was still sitting in those bushes. With handcuffs. Ahem. Miss Vengeance continued. "You see, the last time we had that banner, using it for such actions, we brought about an end of the world, so to speak. By attempting to take over the world, well...we got the world, but all the people in it, save for us, were dead. And so we sat there, doing nothing, getting weaker without energy sources around, and the place just got dull. It's not worth ruling the world and not being able to enjoy it." "And you're afraid that if it's used again, we'll end up with the same result," said Yaki, sipping tea herself to calm her nerves in front of this woman. "History repeats itself too often, I'm afraid. Besides, taking control of Keiko would upset Aki, which in turn would upset my dear Nemesis-chan. And you wouldn't want to do that now, would you?" The grin suddenly got just big enough to produce sweatdrops out of the three DarkVerse sailors and their lizard. "No, ma'am," they said in unison. "Good." Charity sipped some more tea. "Now, we have more pressing matters to discuss. There are, at this time, no less than three forces after my dear Aki-chan. It's all me and Nemesis-chan can do to keep an eye on her, the house, and the DarkVerse, even with five minions and what few generals I have to command. I need these forces destroyed. Your help would be... appreciated." "And, dare we refuse...." began Mariko. "I vaporize you where you stand, said Charity. "Oh." "Don't worry," said Charity. "I know you'll need some assistance. In place of your rabbit friend..." - at that, she pointed to Cecil, outside, who was busy rubbing a paw over his lips and marinating himself in a large, black kettle - "I offer you one of my familiars, from when I was a young girl just learning to cast spells." She opened a window, and in flew the raven. "Him?" said Yaki. "*@^%()_=+##&*...." muttered Kahi. "Yes, him. His name is Edgar P. Allan, he has a fondness for gothic literature, is very bright, and can contact me at all times," Charity said. "So don't even think of double-crossing me, you morons," Charity did not say, but it was broadcasted loud and clear, nevertheless. "You are...most gracious," was all Mariko could say. She broadcasted a few words herself, and it is good they were not said. "Good. I wish you luck." And, with that, the three girls and lizard left with the raven to tackle the problems of Shub-Niggurath, Cthulhu, and Baron von Stagner, though not along a yellow brick road. "Charity-sama...." said the Quake Camper. "I know," said Charity. "The program was ended last time because of their mental stability; furthermore, their competence is highly in question. However, any assistance they may give in eliminating the competition or protecting Aki-chan would be greatly appreciated. Of course, it keeps them out of trouble, and also lets them feel accepted again. Edgar's their advisor, actually; he knows how to keep them in line...but don't tell them that." "Actually, if it would please Your Majesty, I was wondering if I might be permitted to use the bathroom...now...." Charity looked over at the Camper, nervously shifting his weight from foot to foot. "Oh, go right ahead." "Thank you Charity-samaaaa...!" *zip slam* _____________________________________________________________________________ Down, down, down, to the very depths of the mall they went like non- punctual, white-furred hares. Tejina wouldn't have minded, really, except that it was becoming apparent that, yes, something bad was happening, and, no, there were no stores down here. That, and it was still darker than Ruxpin: The Metal Idol. It is still true, however, that all good things must come to an - *THUD* *THUD* *THUD* *FWOOSH-plop* "Lucky dragon," Tejina said. "Yeah," said Aki. "He's kinda good for dates, too." She smiled. Were it not for the dark tunnel, one would have seen a dragon blush. Rare sight, that. Well, anywhere but here, I guess. _____________________________________________________________________________ That wasn't all the dark obscured. The Shubby-chan cultist was having a hard time dragging what he thought was Aki to the portal in front of him. And it wasn't just because he'd forgotten to bring a gag along with him, though that in and of itself would have been bad enough. "When I free myself from these tight, hemp-grown bindings, take the hands therein, and place them around your pole-like throat, you'll wish you'd never messed with me -" "LIKE YOUR TALKING'S NOT BAD ENOUGH! SHUT UP ALREADY!" The cultist snagged his clothing again, and the constant noise from Ayame was so loud he didn't hear when his Shubby-chan's Secret Decoder Ring that cost him fifteen boxtops and his immortal soul fell to the ground. With a final heave, he shoved her into the circle, and then followed himself. The portal activated, and they were gone. The pursuers arrived moments later, just in time to see the portal close and disintegrate itself. Then, darkness. "Where are we?" asked Hanaki, in the uniform of Sailor Bliss. "No idea," said Sailor Delight. She kicked something metallic. "Huh," said Tejina. "Aki, can you shine some light over there?" "No problem." Sailor Joy gathered power. Hiryuu shut his eyes and hid this time. "JOYFUL...CLEANSING...LIGHT!" The room exploded with brilliance. It took a few seconds - some of which were from unconsiousness, the rest from blindness - before anyone could look at it. Once the light and pupils agreed on a treaty to meet each other halfway, Tejina looked in front of her, where a small decoder ring lay against the wall. She examined the device, then pocketed it for future reference. "Shub-Niggurath's cult," she stated. "Wonderful. They were probably after you again, Aki." "Great. Well, that's my last shopping trip and date for the millenium. And it just started, too." Aki sighed in remorse. "Aki-sama, are you all right?" said an unremarkable voice running down the hallway. "Yes, Unnamed Minion, I'm all right. But, they got my friend, Ayame. We're going to have to save her." Almost sensing the minion's next statement before it left his mouth, she added quickly, "Go get the others. We'll meet you at the Shubby-chan's Happy Happy Joy Joy Fun Club Local 39924-91 building." "I shall, divine Aki-sama! We are yours to command!" Aki waited. "...um, how do you get there, oh great Aki-sama?" "Phone book." "Ah! I have seen the light! Thank you, divine Aki-sama, thank you! I will not fail! We will not fail!" "I know, I know," said Aki, smiling and nodding. After he left, Aki said, "Okay, now, let's get more competent help." _____________________________________________________________________________ "oh Great Cthulhu," addressed the Deep One, "it appears the minion has failed." "I KNOW THIS," said Maynard/Cthulhu. "HE WILL BE PUNISHED WHEN HE IS RELEASED FROM POLICE CUSTODY. HAVE YOU GATHERED THE FORCES I HAVE REQUESTED?" "we have contacted the international cult, and they are sending representatives as we speak. also, a call for new members has gone out. once these forces have arrived, we will begin the transformations." "GOOD, THEN. WE SHALL TRIUMPH. SMASHING, BABY." "so, you enjoy our meager collection of videos," said His Former Eminence. "I MUST VISIT THIS...HOLLYWOOD...FIRST, ONCE I AM RULER OF THIS REALM." "it will be done, oh Great Cthulhu." _____________________________________________________________________________ "Ofuda launchers?" asked Kireiko. "The swords take whatever forms they feel are appropriate. Forces work in mysterious ways." Byakko adjusted his shades. "It's not that," said Kireiko, nervous. "I'm half-oni, remember? What if one of them hits me?" "Hey, we're not bad shots," said Junko, insulted. "Of course," said Jinko, "we ought to shoot you anyway." Byakko laughed. "The ofuda these launchers shoot are designed to hurt those who do not follow our cause. They will do you no harm, Kireiko. Now, we need to begin training." As if to interrupt, which was precisely the point, in burst Tejina, Hanaki, Aki, and Hiryuu. "Hey, ladies, Hiryuu," addressed Kireiko. "What's hangin'?" "Problem. Shubby-chan's cult's got Ayame. Care to join us?" Byakko tried not to snarl, and then focused on Hanaki. Startled, he recognized something. "Young lady, your boots." "What boots?" asked Hanaki. "These are my everyday low-heels." "No, your boots. Focus on your feet. If you would, please." "Um, okay, whatever...." Hanaki focused...and, suddenly, her eight- thousand-yen shoes burst apart, to be replaced by medieval knight-like metal knee-highs with rune-like leather trim and a vicious new meaning to the term "stilletto heels". "The Reinforced Boots of Duality," announced Byakko. "Congratulations, my Champion." "I aaamm?" said Hanaki, sounding for all the world like she needed a cute little skull in her hair to finish the picture. Tejina was understandably impatient. "Good. Later. Right now, we're saving Ayame. Coming, Kireiko?" "Wouldn't miss it." He took off his shirt, to the delight of Hanaki, claws flexing. The author refrained from lines all too appropriate from the song, "I'm Too Sexy". "Wait," asked Junko. "Did you say...Shubby-chan's cult?" "That would mean all sorts of demons to shoot, wouldn't it?" Jinko got excited. "Can we come, please please please -" "I guess..." said Kireiko, proving that sweatdrops only go with monsters in comedy skits...such as this one, apparently. "Yes! Saddle up, lock and load!" "Woo-hoo! Enough demons to shoot from any direction!" "Let's hope not," said Aki, sweatdropping. _____________________________________________________________________________ Wataru came to a nice, warm bed, by a crackling fire, with a set of puppy-dog eyes gleaming over his head. "AAAH!" "Oh, sorry, did I frighten you?" said the eyeballs, backing away to reveal a young girl. "It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. Welcome to the island of Honshuu, Japan, that little spot of land just off the coast of Russia. My name's Rika." She giggled cutely. "You said you recognized Yukiko from somewhere before collapsing." "Yukiko? Hmm...couldn't have been anyone I know, then. I don't know anyone by that name...though, the face...eh, it's probably someone I know and won't see again." He introduced himself. "You used to be a Shub-Niggurath cultist? Why?" "You know, I'm not really sure, now that I think about it. Power? When Shubby-chan took over the world, we were all to die. Glory? Maeda took care of that, didn't he?" "Who's this Maeda?" asked Rika. "I'd rather not say in front of a lady. Love? ...that's why I'm here." "Aww, poor Wataru. Who was she?" "Her name's Aki Villyn, she's still alive, as far as I know, and she was the sweetest, most sensible person you'd ever meet. Beautiful, too. Problem was, my job was to kill her." Wataru sighed deeply. "At least that's not a problem anymore...now, they're going to kill me, too, if they see me again." "Don't worry, Wataru. We'll protect you...and I know Aki. We'll keep an eye out for her, okay? You just rest a bit. Do you mind the shirt I picked out?" He read the sweatshirt on his body. It said, "I went to Otakufest to get me some bishounens!" "It'll be fine, thanks," said Wataru. "No problem...I got that at an anime convention. And, you know what?" "What?" "I think I finally got me one." Rika smiled, and left. _____________________________________________________________________________ Maeda saw the portal activate, then the appearance of the cultist and his captured quarry. He was pleased until he saw the hair color, which took two unmeasurable units of time. "I thought I told you to bring back Aki," said Maeda, seething. "And it is, sir. Why, she even spoke of having become Sailor Exposition...." His eyes turned to meet Maeda's. They could have been Queen Elizabeth's, from the lack of amusement shown. "No, Aki is Sailor Joy," explained Maeda in a tone parents frequently used when talking to their three-year-old terrors. "Sailor Exposition would be someone else named Ayame, you TWIT!!!" "Oh," mused the cultist. "I'm going to die." "No," said Maeda. "That won't be painful enough." He motioned to the nearby guards. "Take him to Aika for use in training tactics. She'll think of something fitting. You, take his prisoner and come with me. Perhaps we can find some use for her...." Yoi Maeda's memories as a Supreme General kicked in. "Perhaps...yes, I almost forgot about that." He chuckled softly. _____________________________________________________________________________ "o/~ A-hunting we will go...a-hunting we will go.... ~\o" Keiko sang merrily, twirling a goo-covered stake. "o/~ Hi, ho, the derry-o, a-hunting we will go! ~\o" chimed in the vampiric Dragon Childe. "Now, if my scrying spell serves me right," said Keiko, concentrating, "our quarry should be somewhere nearby. Be alert." Koohii jumped up and down. "o/~ We're not gonna be un-dead! We're not gonna be un-dead! ~\o" "Shh..." Scotch perked up. "I think I hear something." Keiko tensed. "Get ready...be careful...." "Hi, Keiko-chan." "SHI-NE, VAM-oh...heh, heh...sorry about that, Matsuro. We were just out hunting vampires." "..." went Matsuro. "...uh, stake...." "Oh!" Keiko pulled the stake away from his chest. "So...what're you doing here?" "That's my apartment," said Matsuro, pointing just up the street. "Saw you outside, thought I'd say 'hi.'" "Well, would you like to join us? I've got an extra stake...." Keiko said, batting eyelashes at Matsuro like she was Samantha Sosa. "Sure," said Matsuro. "I knew I could count on you," said Keiko, dreamily. "Hey, Matsuro?" asked Scotch, adjusting his plaid coat nervously, hungry for blood. "You wouldn't happen to have any idea why this vampire's hanging around your place, would you?" "Balin revived him by accident." "Balin revived him?" Keiko chuckled. "He wouldn't have been seeing straight for hours, drinking from that dwarf." "Dwarf?" asked Koohii. "It made me feel calm, tranquil," said Matsuro. And the Laws demanded that all present bearing witness give Matsuro "you're weird" looks. "Oh. I was thinking of you, Keiko." Keiko's eyes increased in size, apparently from the water content increasing. "Oh, Matsuro." She swooned. "Um, I hear something over there!" said Mermaid, readying her stake and ruining a good WAFFy moment. "I think it's him!" "Wai wai wai -" "Down, Koohii!" said the other Dragon Childe, Keiko, and Matsuro. "Let's get him," said Keiko. Then, to Matsuro, she whispered, "After this, I think I might stop by your apartment and hang there for a while, if it's all right with you...." "Sure," said Matsuro. "Wai...oh, vammm-piiiree...come out and play...." _____________________________________________________________________________ Ayame was laid out on the table, bound at the wrists with nice, shiny, inch-thick metal. The room she was in, for the moment, was empty; Maeda had to go wake Nanaki up to discuss his plans with Shub-Niggurath. With no one to speak to, it was boring. Especially in her case. Scary, too. She hummed a tune softly for a bit. After going through that tune, the theme from "Friends", and "Sleepless Nights Are....", she decided she probably had enough time to make up her own song. It's not like the Crystal Kingdom wasn't known for its music, after all...or the princess' trysts... nightly...with three-some Fridays...at any rate, she sang. *How to start...* she thought. *...well, I'm here...trapped....* o/~Well, I'm here Trapped in a world A world of insanity And I'm not the sane one Lunacy Delightfully Making my whole world spin And yet it's not that fun Is it just I can't see the enjoyment of all The humor's over my head as I seem to fall Down into insanity Enjoy the brink of reality It seems to be good company But is this world killing me?....~\o Before she could start a second verse, in came Maeda and a sleepy-eyed Nanaki, almost protesting as she prepared herself to channel the Outer God into her body. As she did so, Maeda spoke. "Forgive me, o Great Shubby-Chan. My minion -" "YOUR MINION?" "- _your_ minion, o Great Shubby-chan. Forgive me. It appears that he captured the wrong magical girl." "HE IS BEING DEALT WITH?" "I have already sent him to Aika to do with as she pleases." "THAT WILL DO FOR NOW. WHAT OF THE PRISONER?" "She is right here, o Great Shubby-chan," said Maeda, gesturing to the table upon which Ayame was shackled. "Her name is Ayame, and she is another of the Do-Gooders." "WOULD SHE BE TURNED TO OUR CAUSE?" Ayame cringed. "I am one hundred percent absolutely positively _not_ going to join your wicked, twisted, murderous cult, especially with that conniving, white-washed -" The former Supreme General cut her off. "I fear, my queen, that she will herself not join us. But, with your permission, o Great Shubby-chan, I believe I can find some use for her." "WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS?" Maeda told her. Ayame recoiled in fear, her breath interrupted. _____________________________________________________________________________ Tejina went back to her house to pick up the Icon and Emblem. She wasn't taking any chances - Cthulhu as Kireiko had been bad enough, and now they marched into the heart of the other god's stronghold. Upon arrival, she whacked herself in the head. "Sakyou! Gomen, gomen...." "It's all right. Your mother said you were out shopping for clothes for our date. I appreciate the thought." *He appreciates shopping,* thought Tejina happily. "Um, come inside, I have to get some things, and - why are you still standing there?" "Your mother won't let me in the house without signing some release forms." "MOTHER!" "Well, dear, I couldn't let a strong man go to waste...." said Mrs. Nakao, dropping sweat like that faucet you can never turn off completely. "Don't mind mother, just come inside. We have a problem, anyway. I have to get my sister Ayame back first." "What happened?" asked both Sakyou and Mrs. Nakao in turn. "Some cultist of Shub-Niggurath captured her. Most of us - Keiko's mom said she and the Dragon Childe were out killing vampires, and Matsuro's probably with them, but everyone else - are going over there to get her out." "Hey, no problem, Tejina." Sakyou smiled. "Can I come along, too?" "You would? That'd be great! We could use the help." Tejina smiled both inwardly and outwardly. "Now, you two be careful," said Mrs. Nakao. "I'm not sure the insurance covers death in the event of being killed by fanatical cult members." "Don't worry about it, Mom." Tejina grabbed the Icon and Emblem out of the locked safe by the closet. "I'm used to this sort of thing by now." "Oh, Tejina?" Sakyou stood, hand outstreched. Tejina took the item in Sakyou's hand, puzzled. "What's this - oh." _____________________________________________________________________________ "our forces have arrived, o Great Cthulhu." "GOOD. ARE THE ARTIFACTS IN PLACE?" "yes, o Great Cthulhu. we are ready to begin the ceremonies." "VERY WELL. LET THE TRANSFORMATIONS BEGIN." The avatar of Cthulhu grinned. "SEND IN THE CLOWNS FIRST." _____________________________________________________________________________ Tejina rejoined Aki, Hanaki, Hiryuu, Kireiko, Junko, and Jinko one block north of Shubby-chan's Happy Happy Joy Joy Fun Club Local 39924-91, near the required row of burnt-out warehouses. Behind her, Sakyou had his Broad Sword of Duality out and ready. And, behind him, up ran five minions, Becky, Master Chiang, and Yukiko. "Glad you guys could make it..." said Tejina, puzzled. "...how'd you all find out?" "Well," answered Becky, "The Unnamed Minion went back to Aki's house to get the minions. I was having lunch with T-kun, with Master Chiang showing up and filling me in on some deal regarding me, you, and Aki all becoming the One, or something like that." "We've heard it already," said Tejina. "Anyway," said Becky, "in walks Yukiko, saying that she had some visitor from Shubby-chan's cult named Wataru -" "Wataru?" interrupted Aki. "He's not trying to capture and turn me over to them again, is he?" "Relax," said Yukiko. "He's left their organization, so he says, because he loved you too much to kill you as ordered." "Figures," said Aki, though it stuck in her mind for later, as well as Hiryuu's. "I came to warn you about Shubby-chan's cult attempting to kill you, but you weren't there. Suddenly, in he barges -" at that, she pointed to the Unnamed Minion - "saying that all the minions were needed at the behest of "the divine Aki-sama" to save Ayame from Shub-Niggurath. We all followed - Charity's generals are on their way, too, as well as some others. Yukiko smiled. "Coincidence is like that, I guess." "That's not all it is," said Aki, thinking of the stale, pungent excretions of male cows. "Enough talk," said Tejina, taking out her pen and sword. "Time to go get some." One spectacular light show later, everyone started for the sign stating, "Secret Entrance - Members Only - This Means YOU!", Aki wondering if there was someone left in Japan that didn't try nightly to take over the world with incompetence at their side. _____________________________________________________________________________ "Hmm, our portfolio has done rather well, particularly the Kanzuki Zaibatsu." "Their marketing made the difference. Their girl's a good fighter, and almost as popular as the Kasagano girl selling peanut butter cups." "Yes...and that's driven up the stock price." "To the point where it's unbalanced the whole portfolio. ...Hmm, what's this company here?" "Tachibana General Labs...in charge of creating new Internet protocols." "They just went public, too...if we leverage our portfolio, I think we can take controlling stock of this company." "Technology companies, specifically Internet-based, are the way to go these days. It sounds like a good buy, too...let's do it." "I agree." "Very well, then. Tachibana General Labs..." *ratatat click* "...is ours." "What is the word the young ones use...'cool.'" ____________________________________________________________________________ Aika frowned. "Who's that using the secret entrance?" "I cannot tell," said the minion beside her. "It appears to be a group of magical girls, dragons, and others. Should I sound the alarm?" "That would be a yes. Keep watch for others entering, as well. You, there, go get Maeda. I'm going to blow stuff up." "Yes, ma'am. MINION OFF DECK!" he shouted, hitting the side of the wall. Aika exited after him, doing the same. The side of the door whispered painfully. "Oh, shut up," said the minion on watch, knocking the side of the door - and the minion tied to it. "It's not like you didn't deserve it. At least you're still alive for a bit." _____________________________________________________________________________ Ayame found herself uncomfortably upright, still on the same bed, with tubes sticking out of her arms where the metal bands were and a platoon of minions picking up the slack. Two of the minions, in particular, were playing with marbles, a chalk-drawn circle between them. One of the minions nearly slipped on some liquid on the floor, falling on the circle, bringing about a potential lawsuit, and messing up both the circle and the arrangement of marbles inside. "Hey, clumsy, you ruined our marbles game!" shouted one of the minions playing on the floor. "Now, we have to go through all the trouble of drawing up another circle, resetting the marbles...." "It's not like it was a well-made marble circle, anyway," interjected Ayame. "Well, perhaps you'd like to tell us how to make one," said the minion, spitefully. Ayame smiled, as did the author. "In order that you may properly construct a circle set up to the proper and specific specifications of the International Marble Association, or I.M.A., which is the head sanctioning body recognized around the world for the time-old children's sport of playing marbles, one shall first have to gather the equipment necessary to make said circle, to wit: first and foremost, a large, flat surface, in fact so large as to accommodate not only the circle that is about to be drawn, but as well the very bodies of the players about to use it, in any conceivable position, and, for the purpose of playing marbles with one's girlfriend, if one is so romantically inclined, some of the many positions that tend to take place in such a relationship as well, especially in the cases of people such as the DarkVerse generals known as Malaise and Mojojiujoovuuduwhodew, the latter of which is more commonly referred to for the twin purposes of brevity, which I don't care about, and keeping one's tongue from twisting in the mouth, thereby causing ugly strangulation and death, as simply Vuudu, or Vuudu-kun if you happen to be the aforementioned androgynic General Malaise, and, furthermore, said surface should generally be a mixture of dust and sand to the players' preference, but, as this area where I have been confined and put under your watchful eyes, ears, noses, hands, tongues, and whatever other body parts you may care to name has a floor only made of the substance known commonly as linoleum, and is dust-free because the room is a medical laboratory where things like dirt, dust, and bubonic plague can infect instruments and living tissue samples, including myself (and I'd rather not end up with bubonic plague, let me tell you), it will, obviously and unfortuneately, have to make do for your purposes, even if the marbles are likely to fly all over the place; next, an instrument capable of marking, writing, or drawing upon the surface chosen," said Ayame, reaching deep within herself to recall what she could of the power that was once her birthright, the Power of Exposition, in its pure, sleep- and insanity-inducing form which was known to all that read legends as the Longest Run-on Sentence Competition, which, as her guards were not issued earmuffs, earplugs, or, for that matter, any noise-dampening gear whatsoever, and yet had to stay withing the room and keep an eye on her, was causing many cultists of Shub-Niggurath to try for the Van Gogh look in any way possible, and only encouraged Ayame to speak louder, "which, as it appears all you have for this purpose is simple, day-glo flourescent chalk bought on the cheap from the local supermarket, will be said chalk, though it may take more than one time around with that scrawny little thing to reach the proper line thickness, again as mandated by the International Marble Association, for the circle you will be drawing with it," - at this point, it is notable that a particular high-ranking Shubby-chan cultist by the name of Tim walked in, hearing the commotion, fell asleep almost immediately, and staggered back through the doorway and into the garbage chute across from it, falling eight stories' worth to his death and becoming the Shortest-Lived Named Character in this Fic - "and it should preferably be white, or, if the surface itself is white or another very light color, black, so as not to cause undue eye strain while playing - eye strain can be saved for those of you who would try to read this sentence in one sitting, you poor, demented, bored souls - let alone to provide definitive judging on whether a marble has or has not been captured as a result of completely passing through said line and outside of the boundary that the circle will create; furthermore, a method of insuring the geometrical accuracy of the circle should be used, to ensure fairness and good sportsmanship between players in accordance with the rules and regulations set forth by the yet- again mentioned International Marble Association, the proper method of which involves the use of a rod or stick as a rotation point, placed in the center of the area in which you wish to construct your circle, and a string, which, when combined with a small fruit, makes for the most torturous of deaths one being may inflict upon another, but, in this case, is to be tied to the rotation point in such a way as to allow the string to move around the stick or rod without wrapping, which would shorten the string, and, in that same token, the string should be measured to the proper length as mandated by the International Marble Association," - and here Ayame strained, using every last bit of her power, as there were still three Jolt-infused cultists alive, awake, and not sitting with a katana in hand trying to correct such a situation - "such measurement being taken with a plastic ruler, so as not to be affected greatly by the ambient temperature of the air, and also tied, on the other end, to the drawing instrument to be used, again here the chalk, and securely so." She looked around. Everyone was dead or asleep. "And I didn't even get to explain how to use them. Hmph, their fault if they stick it in their mouth and die choking, I guess." Without disturbing any of the cultists, she removed the tubes from her body, slipped out of the room, and ran from there for whatever exit was nearby. ____________________________________________________________________________ Aika had just reached Maeda's door when her walkie-talkie beeped. "Go ahead," she spoke into the device, "and be quick." "This is Checkpoint 92-5, ma'am. We have worse problems than those magical girls and friends coming in the secret entrance." "How so?" "Look outside, ma'am, you can't miss 'em." She peered outside. There, she saw unspeakable horror destined to cause madness. To the front were tanks fitted with large, comfortable couches, upon which sat tentacled beings with clown noses, makeup, and odd clothing. Behind them, large blue houses on wheels, in which hairy mixes of tentacles and teeth were confined, the walls inside padded and white. To their right, odd, yellow rats with stubby tentacles for arms and writhing tails in the general shape of a lightning bolt said odd phrases such as, "cTH! CthUL!" Some trains and planes were at the back, tentacles along the wheels and used as propellers, respectively, all with large eyes and a mouth upon the front. On the far right, blue dog-like squids left blue slime-prints over important objects. And, to the back, legions upon legions of cute tentacle monsters with whiskers, Osh Kosh B'Gosh overalls, and little red bows worn by all. There was a theme here. A couple, actually, but only one that really mattered. "Check. Cthulhu's armies. Initiate Emergency Plan R, as in Robert. Stand by to launch." "Not necessary," said Maeda, smiling. "I have a surprise ready and waiting. On my command, open the main gates." "Sir!" adressed another minion, running for fear of death as it was from delivering the news. "Ayame's escaped! She's loose somewhere in the base!" "Did we get the DNA cloned in time?" asked Maeda. "Yes, sir," said the Shubby-chan cultist. "The first batch is ready now." "Then it doesn't matter. Release them, and order them to attack." "Yes, sir!" said the cultist, enjoying his renewed lease on life. Aika frowned. "DNA cloning? What for?" "Simple," said Maeda. "Ayame is the mother of no less than two known magical girls, Tejina and Hanaki, both of the Do-Gooders. It is interesting that she still isn't able to remember being their mother, and from the early tests seemed to have lost her own powers as well. It is a small pity; I fear she will never recover from the magically-caused amnesia. At any rate, she is the template from which other magical girls can be formed. So, I used her DNA and the cloning facilities here - with permission from Great Shubby-chan, of course - programmed them with the latest in indoctrination techniques from Cultist Monthly, and thus created an army of magical girls willing to do our bidding - and rather able." "You mean - you didn't...." "It's going to be a wonderful light show. Won't you watch?" _____________________________________________________________________________ Tejina turned the corner, and saw trouble. A squad of tentacle monsters, out of place here, perhaps, but evil, nonetheless, and a look so cute it taxed her sanity. "ctHUl CthUl," one of them said. "Back," she said to the rest of the party, then charged forward. From behind the protection of the wall, they heard Sailor Delight call, "CHEKU BOUNCE!" A piece of tentacle flew by, and it went silent. Tejina rejoined them. "Tentacle monsters? Cthulhu?" asked BA-3. "Looks like it," said Kireiko, his eyes filled with determination. "Which means they've gone and created something _other_ than Hello Cthulhus. Wonderful." Aki grimaced. "I don't know whether to be pleased at their newly-found ingenuity or not." "How'd you stop their insanity-inducing gaze?" asked Hanaki. "That small glimpse alone almost made me start tALkinG LiKE tHIs." "Simple," said Tejina. "I accessorized." She put on a pair of shades, marked "100% UV-Protective Har! Accept no substitute!" on the side. Sakyou grinned. "Well, hold onto those shades, because it looks like they're gonna come in handy," said Master Chiang, glancing at a nearby viewscreen. "There's a few...thousand...out there." "Don't worry, Aki-sama!" shouted the minions. "You shall come to no harm while we still live!" "I feel so comforted," deadpanned Aki. "That's not all your problems," said Ayame, running up behind them. "Ayame! You're all right!" said Tejina. "Not yet we're not..." said Ayame, "...oh, no, that's them right outside." "What? Short version, please." Tejina was annoyed. "Look," said Ayame. Tejina looked. Girls...many girls...in fukus...with pigtails...the spitting image of her...all over the place.... Tejina screamed. ____________________________________________________________________________ NOW THAT THEY HAVE AYAME BACK, HOW WILL THEY GET OUT? WHAT WILL THEY DO ABOUT THESE NEW FORCES OF CTHULHU'S? MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHAT WILL THEY DO ABOUT THE NEW FORCES OF SHUBBY-CHAN'S? WHAT POSESSED THE AUTHOR TO TRY AND BRING ABOUT TEJINA'S DREAM? WILL HE HAVE TO HIDE IN A CAVE TO AVOID IMPRO READERS' APPLIED USE OF TORCHES, ROPES, AND PITCHFORKS? WILL WATARU COME TO HELP HIS BELOVED AKI? WILL HIRYUU MIND? WILL RIKA GRAB HIM INSTEAD? IS EIGHT HUNDRED SEVENTY-ONE WORDS ENOUGH? WHO'S THE NEW OWNER OF TACHIBANA GENERAL LABS? WHY DO WE CARE? WHAT WILL THE NEW OWNERS DO WITH WHAT THEY FIND? WILL KEIKO AND COMPANY KILL SPIKE? WILL IT FREE THE DRAGON CHILDE? WHAT WILL KEIKO AND MATSURO BE DOING AFTERWARD? WHY IS IT THAT EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD? HOW MANY TIMES HAS GENERAL AYESSE PLAYED THAT SONG? DOES AYESSE HAVE THE CD, "LIVIN' LA VIDA MAMBO?" DID WE REALLY, REALLY WANT TO KNOW THAT CD EXISTED? GOOD GRIEF, IS THIS ENOUGH QUESTIONS? IS THAT ONE FOR CHARLES M. SCHULZ? Well, the last one's simple...the whole shebang's dedicated to him. Rest in peace, and know that I'll be reading your comics...every day...all of them - let's face it, Peanuts was around so long, it influenced every one on the page. And my love for comic strips went to comics and cartoons, and guess where cartoons led to? Thanks to many here - last call, eh? (Remind me not to visit Meaford again unless it's a lot warmer. And to bring accent protection.) Jonatan Streith, the number one Do-Gooders fan hands down, Kate Malloy, the next person to write a second and last chapter, Steven Scougall, the person kind enough to write for a dying fic based on the plea of one sentence shaping the world of Impro, and Zrith, an MVFC regular who bravely jumped where others would fear to tread for being willing to pre-read; Ash (yes, him) for providing me with two chapter's worth of material just from Chapter 10 (now, if he'd only learn things like buildup, explanation, and the use of non-dramatic as well as dramatic); the Multiverse Video Fighters' Council, which is directly responsible for my deep rooting in the Internet that put me here; the aforementioned Charles M. Schulz, for the aforementioned reasons and probably many more; and Stefan Gagne, for not only offering me an extension, not only pre-reading Alien Fighter Alpha, not only writing stuff like his Slayers Trilogy and reading the e-mail I sent him on it, but, dude, just for making this, we owe you big. I just hope that, somewhere down the line, if you've got time, you can go through and see what you've wrought. There will be those that cringe at a couple of things I did here. With good reason - treating Ash as canon tends to make people cringe in horror, and it's not like we needed an army of sailor-clad females. (Well, you still don't need them, even if your hormones say otherwise.) Two things - one, it needed to get out of the way. It's there. There's at least six inventive ways to toast them all, if you're so inclined. More importantly, it's something not too many would dare to do. I wrote a bit called "Honey." The trick's not to worry about it being campy and just make sure the justification's there. Most, if not all, of the stuff used in this chapter can be traced back. Cthulhu's enlistment call? Just last chapter, thank Streith. Rika's otaku/romantic side's all the way back in 29. The shades and sentence are long-standing running gags, the latter I'm accused of starting (read Chapter 6, by Will McDuff - I was second). And the main plot - the creation of an army of sailors via Ayame - traces both to Tejina's dream sequence in Chapter 10 and Ayame's informing Tejina of her true heritage in Chapter 21. And - bonus - as this got to the end, almost all the plots came together. That's a story. Now, good luck to Kate Malloy, in charge of 58! Four more to go, and then the world ends...hmm, I forgot one question - WHO WILL END THE WORLD, AND HOW? Nicholas Eckert vidstudent http://campus.fortunecity.com/law/44/ vidstudent@hotmail.com