"Here you go, Roe." "Whoa, Woofer. You turned in episode 36 early. Cool." "Um... it's not episode 36. Phillip Barkow is going to write episode 36." "Wrong, Woof. John Evans wrote episode 35, you wrote episode 36, and Phillip Barkow is going to write episode 37." "Roe, I guarantee you that this is NOT episode 36." "But isn't it 'GwG'?" "Yes. But it's episode -14." "Episode... ...-14?" "Yup. Hope you enjoy it." " I'm going back to bed." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* GIRLS WITH GUNS: The only improvisational fanfiction ANYWHERE in which the plot is an actual character! The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Started By: David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca This Chapter By: W4, the Mad Author (woofersan@home.com) Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://www.improfanfic.com Episode Negative Fourteen: The "Girls With Guns" Town Meeting */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* DATE: November 16, 1999 TO: Nemesis Serendipity Villyn, Riot of the Controversy Aki Villyn, Princess Anniki, Sakura Kasugano, Aika, Becky Anderson, Kamiversal Jack, Mr. Sunshine, Ryo, Sofixupia, Orochi, Kasumi, Yuki, Daisy, Ikea, High Commander Torquemada, Subcommander [Not Available At Your Clearance], Flesh-Eating Weasel, Constipated Wolverine, Man-Chick, Mr. Frogs-For-Hands, Yugo, Dr. Pfischer, Mystic Advisor Flibbity Wumpus, Lina Inverse, "Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed Slug-For-A-Butt", Andraea Emira Davies, Fairy Princess Fifi FROM: Plotty RE: "Girls with Guns" Town Meeting There will be a town meeting held in the Ultradome on Friday, November 19th, 1999 at 8pm UST (Ultradome Standard Time). Attendance is mandatory. The dress code is semi-formal. Food and drinks (but no souls or blood of thine enemies) will be provided. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Aika, Becky, Sakura and Lina were the first to arrive at the Ultradome, where the ring was replaced with tables filled with food and drink. Aika, Becky and Sakura were dressed in their school uniforms, and Lina wore a yellow top, red miniskirt and red high-heeled shoes. All four ladies were busy gorging themselves silly. "Ahem," a young gentleman spoke behind them. All four turned. Becky blurted out, "Debateable Joe?!? What are you doing here?" "Heh. It's me, Plotty. I just figured that, for this meeting, that a human appearance would make the proceedings go more smoothly," Debatable Plotty explained. The four ladies thought about that... for about three seconds. They resumed eating shortly afterwards. Debateable Plotty jumped fifty feet straight into the air as High Commander Torquemada, Subcommander [Not Available At Your Clearance] and Mystic Advisor Flibbity Wumpus teleported into the Ultradome, a few feet away from the food table. They wore business suits under their Aardvark-Girl robes. "At last, the Impro Inquisition has RETURNED TO ULTRA!" High Commander Torquemada announced triumphantly. The Subcommander and Flibbity Wumpus bigsweatted, trying not to make themselves seen. Debateable Plotty landed right in front of the Impro Inquisition. "YOU!" he shouted. "How DARE you show your faces here!!!" "Ahem," the Subcommander interrupted. "You invited us." Time froze, but only for a second. "......oh... okay. Well, I'll make a deal with you. If you promise never to kidnap me ever again, I won't phase you out of existence or make you Mr. Sunshine's love slaves. Sound fair?" The Impro Inquisition paled. "Sure thing!" all three squeaked in unison, no doubt more scared of the latter option than the former. Aika and Becky, however, were not in the mood to be forgiving. They literally pouned upon the three and began to pummel them. "Pretend this is your nose!" Becky shouted as she punched High Commander Torquemada in the nose. Debateable Plotty shouted, "KNOCK IT OFF! No violence in the Ultradome!" "No violence in the Ultradome? Where the hell have you been?" Kamiversal Jack asked as he teleported into the meeting area in a shower of rubber ducks. Kasumi lovingly clung to his right arm. Both were in their normal attire, which was okay becase they had mad ninja fasion sense skillz. "Oh, God, don't start," Debateable Plotty implored. Kamiversal Jack snickered. "He's talking to me, isn't he? It's great to be God, isn't it?" Kasumi nodded with a smile. "Ooh! Harp seal pizza! You shouldn't have!" Kamiversal Jack cheered as he dove into the refreshments. Kasumi tapped Lina on the shoulder. "Congratulations on freeing yourself from the Evil Queen's fanny." Lina laughed. "It's good to be rid of her!" "And I feel the same way about you, foolish mortal!" the Evil Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed Slug-For-A-Butt hissed from somewhere in the bleachers. Lina panicked, clinging to Kasumi. "EEEEYAUGH!" she shrieked. "SLUGS! Keep her away from me!" Debateable Plotty snickered. "Don't worry," he explained, "Due to her size, she can't work her way to the center of the Ultradome here. However, she can still participate in tonight's meeting." Lina's breathing slowly returned to normal. The Flesh-Eating Weasel, the Constipated Wolverine, Man-Chick and Mr. Frogs-for-Hands walked towards the common meeting place in formal Noh Theatre attire. "Damn it, why haven't I gotten any lines in this story yet?" Man-Chick cursed. "Well," the Flesh-Eating Weasel answered, "It may have something to do with all of the currently-existing plots that have yet to be resolved. Or perhaps it's because you're an ornery bitch." Man-Chick crushed the Flesh-Eating Weasel with her right foot. Mr. Frogs-for-Hands and the Constipated Wolverine quickly scooted off and tried to start a conversation with the Impro Inquisition. The next group to enter was the Villyn Family: Nemesis Serendipity Villyn, Princess Anniki and Riot of the Controversy Aki Villyn. Nemesis Serendipity Villyn was in his armor. Princess Anniki wore a formal white silk gown which left next-to-nothing to the imagination. RotC Aki, who, by the use of power tools, hydrochloric acid, and industrial-strength Prell, managed to revert her green hair to her original hairstyle, wore an outfit which could best be described as the Sailor Joy outfit with no crown and green, high- heeled shoes instead of boots. Nemesis Serendipity Villyn was tired. He had spent days trying to talk to his daughters about the birds and the bees, trying to convince them to save themselves until after marriage. This proved to be about as effective and rewarding as asking a wolf to stay away from red meat. Nemesis Serendipity Villyn sat down, letting out a sigh, while RotC Aki and Princess Anniki started flirting with the Impro Inquisition. Sure, they were villains, but they were MALE villains... Two honorable figures, one dressed in the garb of a Tibetian Furniture Monk, and the other clad in shinto priest's robes, greeted each other. "Greetings, friend Ryo." "Greetings, friend Ikea." A super-deformed doll in a purple business suit squeezed by the two of them. "[STOP] blocking the walkways, you [NABOBS]," Orochibi snarled as he made his way to the snack tables. Sadly, he couldn't reach any of the food. Having Lina Inverse glaring at him didn't help his disposition, either. "You killed me," Lina darkly stated. Orochibi corrected, "No, that was the [ULTRA] Orochi. I'm the [GWG] Orochi. Get your facts straight, you [FLAT-CHESTED] whelp." "MEGA BRANDO!" Lina shouted, sending Orochibi into low orbit. "Bwa ha ha ha!" Dr. Pfischer, in normal attire, laughed. He was flanked by Andraea Emira Davies and Fairy Princess Fifi, both wearing outfits that could be easily described as "multiple layers of lingerie." "Remember what Plotty said," Andraea reminded the doctor, "No evil deeds until AFTER the meeting." "Damn," Dr. Pfischer cursed, snapping his fingers. There was more laughing, but the laughter was more joyous than maniacal. Sofixupia, in a cocktail dressed that enhanced her already-enhanced features, playfully grabbed the right arm of Yugo, who was dressed as a shinto priest. Sofixupia whispered, "So then, the mortal replies, 'That's not my soul! That's my wife!'" Yugo and Sofixupia started to laugh again. "That was a GREAT story!" Yugo complimented, "You're pretty clever!" "Thanks," Sofixupia replied with a blush. "You're the nicest mortal whose life force I want to devour." Ryo walked towards the two, trying to keep his calm. "Yugo," he spoke with gritted teeth, "Don't you think you're being rather... familiar with that demoness?" "Perhaps... but since I don't know how to seal her away, and she can't hurt me because of the Jade Talisman, the only thing I can do is to keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't eat too much life force," he explained. "Yugo... you are a moron. I think you shoOUCH!" Ryo was trampled by Princess Anniki and RotC Aki, who came to get a close look at Yugo. "Oooh, he's cute," Princess Anniki purred. "I'll tell you what," RotC Aki proposed, "You can have him on the even days, and I'll take him on the odd days." Sofixupia stood before the two Akis. "You trollops!" she hissed. "Begone before I devour your life force! And don't let me catch you trying to make moves on my boyfff... fictim! Yes! My boy victim! Because he's a boy, and he's my victim! Yeah..." Sofixupia was red as a beet from head to toe. Yugo was rather speechless himself. The Akis shrugged and went on their merry way. "Boy... victim?" he asked. "Um... er... yeah..." Sofixupia muttered. "Pardon me... I need to use the little Mayan Demoness's room..." With that, she ran to the nearest restroom. "Yugo... after this meeting... you and I are going to have a LOOOONG talk," Ryo stated. Yuki bounded into the room in her school uniform with Daisy on her shoulder. "Hello, everybody!" she singsonged. "YUKI?" Aika asked incredulously. "What happened to you?" Yuki looked dejected. Pointing to Kamiversal Jack, she gloomily responded, "He did." Aika threw a crab cake at Kamiversal Jack's chin. "After this meeting, I'm going to get you for what you did to Yuki!" she swore. "Ungrateful brat! You should be thanking me! If not for me, you'd be giving birth to kid #12 right now!" Kamiversal Jack shouted while Kasumi wiped the crab cake off of his cheek. Aika gulped, not sure how to respond to that. "BECKY-SAMA! I have come to take you away from your suffering!" Mr. Sunshine hollered as he bounded into the Ultradome. Luckily for Becky, though, he got stuck in the rafters a few feet in front of Queen Slug-For-A-Butt. "Okay," Debateable Plotty announced, "We're all here. Please sit in the section labeled 'Don't Sit Here!', and we can get started!" The cast of GwG exchanged nervous glances before taking their seats. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Fourthy let out a contented sigh. His vacation in Hawaii had made him feel like a new metaphysical entity. To blend with the tourists, he had adopted the guise of a well-to-do businessman, complete with shades. However, he almost lost a hold of his disguise when he saw a disshevelled bum sitting against the wall, holding a sign that read, "Will be ae Gaelic Epic for food". "Wulfy?" Fourthy blurted out. "Fourthy?" Wulfy asked wearily. Fourthy nodded. "What the heck happened to you?" Wulfy explained, "Aefter my baettle with Plotty, I waes seaeled in this human form." "Back up," Fourthy stated. "You fought Plotty?" Wulfy nodded, continuing, "Plotty waes freed by Aeyaeme, but I didn't waent to relinquish my position aes the aective plot. Plotty aend I dueled, aend I waes defeaeted aend exiled here. Fourthy, I know thaet I blew it. I just waent to go home now." Fourthy nodded. "Okay, come with me and I'll see what I can do." Fourthy's attention was captured by two other vagrants that looked like two piles of tangled, patchwork limbs. "What's with those two?" Fourthy asked? Wulfy looked over. "Oh, you meaen 'Doogie' and 'Haychie'? Trust me, you don't waent to aesk." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "Ladies and Gentlemen!" Debateable Plotty addressed the crowd. "This story faces a serious problem. We aren't attracing as many authors as we have in the past. And as you all know, no authors means no story. Now, after my battle with Wulfy, I thought long and hard about how we can make ourselves more marketable. The first thing we must do is to clean up our image." "Hear here!" Aika and Becky cheered. "Now, can anyone tell me what our biggest problem, image-wise, is at the moment?" The crowd thought for a moment. "Violence?" Becky guessed. "Elder Gods and other demonic entities?" Ryo shouted. "Excessive Data Files?" Dr. Pfischer asked. "W4, the Mad Author?" Aika called out. Debateable Plotty shook his head. "Those, too, but there's a bigger problem." Nemesis Serendipity Villyn stood up. "It's sex, isn't it?" Debateable Plotty smiled and slumped at the same time, leaning on his podium. "Yes, ladies and gentlemen, sex. What with every third female being a nymphomaniac, we're leaning heavily towards the 'lemon' and 'otaku masturbation' classifications." High Commander Torquemada interjected, "Aw, c'mon. It's not THAT bad, is it?" Debateable Plotty sighed. "All 'GwG' chapters, starting with Chapter 12, are going to be posted on the Sakura Lemon Fan-Fiction Archive," he stated. Princess Anniki shouted, "That's right! Look right under the Akane/ Butterfree lemon!" [Insert a long, uncomfortable silence here.] "ANYWAYS..." Debateable Plotty continued. "We need to get back into the PG-13 range and how. Now... show of hands. Who here will absolutely, positively shrivel up and die if they don't get some nookie?" Princess Anniki and RotC quickly raised their hands. Sofixupia and Kasumi meekly raised theirs, causing Yugo and Kamiversal Jack to turn fifteen shades of red. Orochibi tried to raise his hand, but he was too busy struggling to free himself from Yuki, who mistook him for "a really kawaii doll." Debateable Plotty counted the four hands. "Okay... here's how it's going to work, then. Every episode ending in a 0 or a five will be a no-sex episode. No innuendo, no activities, no condiments... NOTHING. Princess Anniki can do her thing in episodes ending in 1 or 6. Kasumi can get down with her bad self in episodes ending in 2 or 7. Sofixupia can groove her groove thing in episodes ending in 3 or 8, and Riot of the Controversy Aki can screw around in episodes ending in 4 or 9. None of the other characters are allowed to say or do anything remotely resembling sexy." Kasumi and the Akis pouted. Orochibi cursed to himself. Sofixupia smiled preditorially at Yugo while mouthing "38", causing Yugo to shift in his seat nervously. Nemesis Serendipity Villyn buried his face in his hands, wondering where he went wrong as a father and an evil overlord. Kamiversal Jack gasped to himself, "Every five episodes? I don't have that much Vitamin E!" The Impro Inquisition huddled and made plans to appear in as many "Active Aki" and "Active Anniki" episodes as possible. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Matthew Steadfast spied on the "Girls with Guns" Town Meeting. His target was in his sights, but she was surrounded by too many superpowered Even if he weren't dressed in the loudest plaid outfit, he'd be hard-pressed to sneak in, capture Princess Anniki and dart out. But then again, no one ever said that being in charge of the MAC-OS would be child's play. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* MAGICAL DO-GOODERS Data Entry File #223-7867: Matthew's Anniki-Capturing Omni Squad (MAC-OS) A group of agents, led by Matthew Steadfast, to protect America from the dangerous influence of Princess Anniki. Despite there being no evidence whatsoever that Princess Anniki is any threat to America, and after being laughed out of the FBI and the CIA, Matthew Steadfast assembled a team of mercenaries, spies and generally unpleasant people and united them in the cause of capturing Princess Anniki. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* MAGICAL DO-GOODERS Data Entry File #244-3675: Matthew Steadfast Real Name: Matthew Janet Steadfast Occupation: FBI agent (dishonorable discharge) (All statistics are rated on a scale of F- to A+.) Intelligence: A- Age: Old enough to Common sense: F- know better Reflexes: B+ Measurements: Thin as a twig Technical: A Blood Type: AB Body: C Favorite Food: Apple Pie Looks: D- Least Favorite Food: Anything Charisma: D+ unpatriotic Luck: Surprisingly good, Hobbies: Protecting all things considered. Americal from all threats, especially the imaginary and inconsequential ones. Hit Points: 100/112 Mana: Doesn't believe in that "New-Age Garbage" AC: 2 Abilities: -Formal training from the FBI and the CIA -Can annoy any living creature -No reproductive urges whatsoever May be in over his head. Has no ability to admit that he may be wrong. Also has no fashion taste whatsoever. Tap, and he may have to kill you. Matthew Steadfast, not-so-super-secret agent and card-carrying member of "Paranoia Forever!", is patriotic to the point of jingoism. After failed attemps to protect America from Ranma 1/2 (via the "Matthew Steadfast's Weeding Out Rumiko's Debauchery" or MS-WORD), curry (via the "Matthew Against Curry" or MAC), and pocky (via "Stop Pocky Abundance, Matthew!" or SPAM), Matthew Steadfast has decided to make another attempt to protect America. He plans on kidnapping Princess Anniki and preventing her from corrupting America. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "What I need," Matthew thought out loud, "Is someone who can seamlessly weave himself or herself into the story and lure her into our clutches. But who can I get to do that?" "OH, HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!" Caldara laughed. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* MAGICAL DO-GOODERS Data Entry File #25436-24626: Caldara Real Name: Caldara Targheimer Occupation: Targheim Invasion Force (failed) (All statistics are rated on a scale of F- to A+.) Intelligence: D- Age: Unsure; Earth-to- Reflexes: B Targheim numerical Technical: B+ conversions are Body: A+, and HOW! sketchy at best Looks: See "Body:" Measurements: Big number-small Charisma: C number-Big number Cool: C Blood Type: Targheim hi-octane Luck: C Favorite Food: Anything with chocolate (some things are universal) Least Favorite Food: Targheim Invasion Force Rations Hobbies: Being the Targheim equivalent of Naga, only not quite as cool. Hit Points: 212/278 Mana: 45/82 AC: 1 Abilities: -Can operate most mechas -Looks good in just about anything -Mysterious Gainax *WHAP* er... Psychic powers May be a long-lost descendant of the Sailoon family. Tap for interterrestrial wackiness. When Henze fell in love with the leader of Earth's Invasion Defense Force, he overthrew Targheim's leader, declared peace with Earth and married Earth's Invasion Defense Force Leader. This left his sister (Caldara, in case I didn't make that clear enough) out of a job and out of luck until she was hired by Matthew Steadfast. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Matthew Steadfast snapped his fingers. "You're perfect!" he exclaimed. Caldara chuckled. "I work out," she stated. Matthew Steadfast fought the urge to facefault. "C'mere. I have an assignment for you..." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "Okay... now that we've laid down ground rules about sex, limiting the number of times someone can come back to the dead, and limiting the number of times that the cast can interact with metaphysical entities, there's just one more thing we need to take care of. We need a main plot for Aika and Becky." Kasumi raised her hand. "Yes, Kasumi?" Debateable Plotty asked. Kasumi cleared her throat, then spoke, "Now that the prophecy of the Mad Author has been fulfilled, there are now 14,000 children of chaos on the planet. Perhaps that could be used as a story hook?" Debateable Plotty snapped his fingers. "That's PERFECT! Becky and Aika can seek out the 14,000 children of chaos..." "And have sex with them!" RotC Aki chimed in. Debateable Plotty continued, "...and have sex wi- NO! WRONG! YOU SPOONY SLUT!" Debateable Plotty threw a boot at RotC Aki, which smacked her in the forehead. "Aika and Becky aren't going to have sex with ANYBODY! No one! No way! No how! Forget it!" "Hear hear!" Aika and Becky chimed in. "But seriously," Debateable Plotty addressed the cast, "I think that once we lay down the main guidelines, you all will just slide into your various roles." "I agree," Queen Slug-For-A-Butt added. "I could try to capture the children of chaos for my own evil purposes!" "And I could profess my love for Becky as she rides to glory!" Mr. Sunshine bellowed. The Queen whacked him over the head with her sceptre. "Isn't it great, Jack-san? Our children have become important people," Kasumi stated with a smile. Kamiversal Jack gave an ear-to-ear grin. "The Controversial Legacy will live on forever!" he cheered. "Okay? Any questions?" Debateable Plotty asked. Ikea raised his hand. "Yes, Ikea?" Debateable Plotty asked. Ikea cleared his throat, then said, "I would appreciate it if you could find the time to get more understudies. It was most... uncomfortable for me to wear a sailor fuku." "I'm looking into it as we speak, Ikea," Debateable Plotty assured him. "Any other questions?" There were some murmurs, but no questions. "Okay. This meeting is over. I'm going to send you all back to your homes and put you to sleep. When you wake up, you will forget that you came to this meeting, but you'll be subconsciously aware of the rules we agreed on here," Debateable Plotty instructed. Before anyone could protest, the entire cast, save Debateable Plotty, vanished, cast back to their homes. Debateable Plotty sighed in relief as he cast aside his mortal shell and reverted to his metaphysical self. "I hope this works," it said to itself. Then it returned back to its niche in time and space. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* And somewhere, deep in the heart of Japan, an abandoned Betty Ford Clinic shouted, "Hello! Can anybody hear me? I'm badly damaged, and I need repairs! My foundation is all crumbled, and I think I'm retaining fluids, too! Anybody?.... Anyone...?" The Betty Ford Clinic whimpered. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Author's Notes: Ah, "Girls with Guns"... my official testing grounds. Though it's becoming hard to think of new gimmicks. I'm getting old... As far as the "rules" set in here, future authors can take 'em, break 'em, or do whatever. After all, Plotty is HOPING that it works... Matthew Steadfast is a character from "Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky", and Caldara is a character from "Invasion Defense Force RandomLetter". Many thanks go to ravi and Stephica who proofread for me. Thanks also go to Roe, who gave me a few... ...interesting suggestions, most of which, unfortunately, went unimplemented. http://www.students.rhodes.edu/%7Eknoke/indie/indie.html Indie Madnesse, a great place to raise your kids... or not. Questions? Comments? Statements? Inquiries? Things you want to know? Or can you tell me where I can find a decent FAQ for the new version of "Frogger"? Then email me at woofersan@home.com. I have seen the future, and it is spastic comedy.