GIRLS WITH GUNS, or how I carried on after my team went postal The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots By: David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca, http://www3.sympatico.ca/dkelk/fun/ Hosted At: Improfanfics, http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic/ Episode One: Loose Ends Author's Note: Aika and Becky are from Magical Girl Hunters and DoGooders respectively. This story makes references to other Improfanfic stories, but DOES NOT follow any of their continuities. This is especially true of MGH and DG. * * * "LIKE RISING CHAIR FIRE OR SOMETHING!" - Yarslov, Furniture Warriors "BWA-HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA" Serendipity Nemesis Villyn laughs. It feels so good he draws a deep breath to let loose another, "HAHAHAHAHA- URK." That is, until gravity pulls him out of the tree he is so precariously balanced in. Feeling he's made a difference in the world, gravity, a friendly higher dimensional being named Teddy goes back to his usual work of pulling precariously placed expensive china off shelves. "Grumblemumblegrrumble." Villyn grumbles. Not to be outdone he climbs the tree a second time. Standing on the branch again he points a finger at the nearby school. Inhaling he prepares to let out a second belt, ".." "DON'T you dare DADDY!" Aki Villyn, his daughter screams. She is standing beneath the tree, holding a piece of rolled up paper in her hand, letting in unfurl in the wind. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He wails, holding his hands over his head. "Yes daddy. Stop right now." "AHHHH!" He screams, falling out of the tree a second time. Curse you daughter. You... you... brought the magical restraining order." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #1: Magical Restraining Order Type: Magic-User Spell Range: 5 meters Components: V, M (Lawyer, money, pen, paper) Duration: FOREVER!! Casting Time: 1 round Area of Effect: 1 bad person Saving Throw: None Magical restraining order (hereafter referred to as MRO) is a spell designed to prevent a person from doing the things written on them. If the person tries to go against the MRO while in it's presence they are overcome by feelings of love, happiness and remorse for their wayward ways. These feelings last for d3 days, and can only be dispelled by godlike forces. MRO must be written with the consent of the person they are written about, thus they have no saving throw. The material components are common, except for the lawyer. The lawyer in question must be pure, generous and law abiding. Finding one is a quest of Herculean, nay, galactic difficulty, thus this spell is rarely seen and used. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ She nods. "Now go home before you embarrass me.. any more." "Oh... ok." Anything... ANYTHING is better than that damned magic. Leaving the school grounds he skulks around under the shade of a large tree, waiting for his.. cruel daughter to go to class. "HAHA silly daughter! Villyn will not be defeated that easily, for the magic does not affect things you do not know about." Humming the tune to one of DoGooders old tunes he dashes dramatically across the school grounds. Well, he runs holding his cape over his nose like the Phantom of the Opera. Ok, so he limps a little too. But, damnit he looks cool. "Whose the freak?" J. Random student asks. Nemesis falls to the ground, a sweat drop appearing over his metal helmet. "Dunno Jay. Just some weirdo I guess." His friend shrugs. (J.. Jay, ain't I so clever?) Picking himself up he brushes dust off his armour. Pulling a mirror out of one of his many pockets he preens himself for a couple of minutes. "Looking good." He smiles, giving the thumbs up to his reflection. Stowing it he continues his cool dash into the school, down the hall.. oops, back up the hall to avoid the hall monitor - some guy in a green suit of powered armour, up the stairs, down the hall again.. now was it left or right? Left.. no, right. Dashing right he finds the stairwell down. Tired from all his dramatic dashing he jumps over the railing, falling coolly to the floor below. "Lookout Sa-!" "SHO-YU-KEN!" A female voice yells. Villyn feels a stabbing pain in his chest as something short and cute hits him squarely. Grabbing him the cute ball of energy tosses him out of the stairwell into the hallway. He catches a flash of panties as he spins through the air. This is a very bad thing, because it prevents him from watching where he's going. An instant later his head strikes the water fountain, sending stars through the little amount of functioning gray matter he in his cranium. "Works every time." Sakura grins, pulling her fuku down again. Armored dude wasn't the first victim of the dreaded T&A (Throw and Ass) attack, and surely wouldn't be the last. "She would make a fine minion and addition to my armies." He figures as the world spins on seven axis around him. Standing he falls again when the piece of paper his hand is over rips off the wall. Cursing he reads it: Heart Heart High strives hard to be an accident free environment. We have gone 47 days without a serious injury. Do your part to keep our record going. Crumpling the paper he eats it. Rising slowly to his feet he staggers.. coolly down the hall. A short eternity later he arrives at his destination. Counting lockers he stops at number 667, the name Aika scrawled across it in rainbow colors. Beside it, on locker 666 the name Sayako is printed in beautiful calligraphy. "Bah!" He pays it no heed. Fumbling in his armour again he removes his lock picks from a thigh compartment. Choosing the proper tools he goes to work picking the lock. "Hey." Villyn turns to see a bishonen looking guy staring disinterestedly back at him. "Begone mote lest I slay (cough gag) thee." "She usually leaves her locker open you know." "Ah yes... I... am looking for lice. It's inspection time. Have you been inspected yet young man?" "Touch me and I'll eat you." "Ah well.. I see." Villyn bigsweats, "Maybe next year." "Probably not. Say, you have any aspirin on you?" "No. Are you interested in joining me as a minion in my glorious plans for world domination?" "Sorry chap. Already have a master." "Here's my card in case you become free." He says, handing the boy his business card. "Thanks." He mutters, fading into the growing cloud of students. Looking at a nearby clock Villyn curses. Class's almost over. Working quickly he places a small package in the locker. Flourishing his cloak he strides purposefully, (did I mention coolly too?) from the school. He gets as far as the gym before the Alien Defense Force Club finds him and beats the crap out of him. * * * "Hey Aika I saw some weird guy in black armour hanging around your locker. Do you think he's some kind of pervert or something?" Aika shakes her head back and forth, her long brown hair flying around her face. "Of course he is. When have you ever seen a police officer or other upstanding citizens sneaking around lockers?" "Ummm.... never." "Did he say anything weird like 'wai Cuthulu' or have a cute looking pet with him?" "No." "Did he sip tea from a teacup or sound funny - like a British accent or something?" "No." "Did you feel any weird hallucinations when you were close to him?" "No." "Did he try to give you anything or make any deals with you for power or fame or anything." "No." "Did he mention the Necronomicon or Nercronomicute?" "No." "Did he wave his arms around or say any weird sounding phrases?" "NO! Look A, every time anything remotely weird happens we go through twenty questions. Is it really necessary?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #2: Aika (All statistics are rated from 1 to 10.) Intelligence: 5 Age: 16 Reflexes: 10 Measurements: 87-59-85 Technical: 6 Blood Type: O Body: 9 Favorite Food: Military rations Looks: 8 Least Favorite Food: Anything cute Charisma: 6 Hobbies: Guns and grenades Cool: 9 Luck: 9 Psi: 8 Background: Aika began her career after being turned into a magical girl against her will. She dealt with this by developing a fetish for weapons and explosives that she used to creatively deprive other magical girls of their lives. In her early career she worked as part of a larger team. It split up after it's leader was turned into a woman, got a kamen transformation, then a magical girl transformation and an immortal magical pet named Cuddles. He/she went insane after developing multiple personalities and is currently locked under heavy guard in Arkum Asylum. Despondent the other two members went on to become regulars in low budget smut movies somewhere in southeast Asia. Trying to return her life to some sense of normalcy Aika has enrolled in Heart Heart High with the intention of raising her D average to a D+ average by years end. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Yes." She caresses the .45 Magnum loaded with over packed depleted uranium bullets strapped to her thigh under her fuku. You can never be too careful around those weird types. Borrowing a friends hockey stick she carefully opens the door to her locker. Nothing explodes or leaps forth to claim her soul so she carefully looks inside. "Its.... its..." Her face grows deathly pale as she stumbles back, "Its..." "What already?" Her friend Sakura asks, peering into the locker. She sees a small pink compact covered in star and bunny stickers. "It's soooo cute!." She squeals, "Maybe you have a secret admirer or something." Aika curls up into a little ball against the opposite wall of lockers. "Keep in away from me." She mutters. "Why?" "It's.... it's..." "Yes?" "So cutesy!" Only years of rigorous martial-arts training stops Sakura from falling over. She picks up the comatose girl and shoves the compact into her hands. "Open it already." "Do I have to?" "Yes." "Ok..." Shaking she closes a hand over the top. Undoing the clasp she opens it a pinch to look inside. Nothing happens so she opens it some more. Great! Nothing continues to happen so she opens it the rest of the way. Her mind goes blank as a red light shines into her face from the compact. "Aika listen to me." A crackly tape-recorded voice drones from it, "You must do what I say. You are under my power BWA- HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem. Go to Kawaii Kawaii ice-cream House tonight at seven PM and kill the magical girl known as Becky. Are you paying attention? Go to Kawaii Kawaii IceCream House tonight at seven PM and kill the magical girl known as Becky. I'll say it one more time: Go to Kawaii Kawaii IceCream House tonight at seven PM and kill the magical girl known as Becky. Got it? Good. HAHAHAHAHAHA! My plan is perfect." "IceCream." She drones. Sakura shrugs, "Sucks to be you." Skipping next period she runs outside. Some guy with long arms from India had called her out. They were meeting at Dennys in half an hour for chicken and cokes and she doesn't want to be late. Afternoon classes pass quickly for Aika. "Someone solve the following equation: 2093*X^3493849 - 340349*X^ 23423 = 408203? Aika?" Drool. "Aika, translate the following sentence into English: I am possessed by the forces of evil. Give me your walled before I go postal on your ass." Snore. "Aika, please explain to the class the value of truth and justice as it applies to neo-Judeo-Christian manga from the second to third centuries." Snort. After school she wanders aimlessly for an hour, stopping at a McDonalds to stuff the crap they call food into her maw. At seven o'clock sharp she shows up at Kawaii Kawaii IceCream House. A shudder runs through her body as she looks over the bright red and green exterior. Some part of her mind screams in horror as she blankly stares at the cutesy balloons and furry teddy bears hanging in the windows. This place is WRONG. It's too cute, and must be destroyed! Destroyed I say. She opens the door and steps in. Didn't you hear me? This is a den of magical girlness! It must be vaporized by the largest tonnage of explosives you can lay your hands on. "Is there a Becky here?" She asks the mass of students burbling about inside. What good is the small voice of reason if you don't listen to me eh? EH? Don't come crying to me later when things go terribly wrong. I warned you I did. Don't come crawling back because I won't take you. "Is there a BECKY here?" She asks again, louder. Hmph. "I'm Becky." A very cute looking girl - her age, with yellow hair says. Sitting at a window seat near the far wall she waves. Aika notes she is sitting alone, the submachinegun sitting in plain view on the table in front of her a good indication of why. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #3: Becky (All statistics are rated from 1 to 10.) Intelligence: 6 Age: 16 Reflexes: 9 Measurements: 85-57-85 Technical: 8 Blood Type: AB Body: 7 Favorite Food: Sushi Looks: 9 Least Favorite Food: Hamburgers Charisma: 7 Hobbies: Bass guitar, singing badly Cool: 8 Luck: 6 Psi: 10 Background: Becky started her career as a roadie for the DoGooders rock band. She went her own way after fame and the rough superhero lifestyle drove the band into heavy drinking and excursions into dark dimensions on acts of random, senseless violence against innocent, peace-loving Youma. Currently they are recovering at the Betty Ford clinic for has been superhero singers. Presently enrolled at crossroads highschool she has her eyes set on trying out for the Jazz Band. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Walking toward Becky Aika draws and raises her gun to eye level. "You must dies." She states flatly. Becky looks back in confusion. Her eyes widen in fear. "You.... you...." "I what?" "You can't kill me with that gun. It's not right. It's an elephant stopper, not a man killer. It has no class." "Don't you think so?" Aika asks, sitting down across from her. "For sure. The kind of gun you want to use for up close assassinations like that is a pair of hot loaded nine-millimeters with hollow point toxin shells." A loud CRASH interrupts them as everyone in the store suddenly accelerates to the ground. The two young women look, shrug, then return to their business. "Think so?" Aika burbles, "I like the new Glocks with hot loaded Rhino bullets. Better penetration against lightly armored targets." "Yeah, yeah!" Becky enthuses, leaning forward, "I know this great place you can get custom packed .357 dum-dums. Interested in checking it out some time? They have an indoor shooting range and everything!" "Awesome! Can anyone go, or is it a members only thing?" "It's kinda of a friends only thing. Wanna take a look right now?" "Ummm...." "Not a good time?" "Not really. I have an important package to deliver." "What is it?" Aika puts a hand on Becky's arm, "Wanna see?" Becky nods. Hopping on Aika's supercool bright red motorbike they power across town at speed limit + 50 all the way to Aika'a apartment. Parking in the driveway in front of a nondescript townhouse Aika leads Becky around back. Lifting up a rock she digs out a breadbox with a large orange nuclear symbol on it. "So they really do fit in a breadbox." Becky smiles, taking it from Aika's hands and tossing it in the air. "Yep. Got it army surplus from the US for $11.99 after postage and taxes." "Coolness. What're you planning to do with it? Blow up a Greenpeace base or something?" Aika's eyes glint, "Nah, gonna toast Cuthulu." "That old bag of puss?" "A-yup. He's been bugging me for like.. forever. Met him at a party a week back. He was high on Schlitz and Life Savers and tried to cop a feel! The nerve!" "I know the feeling." Becky nods, "He's been putting his nose in my... business too. It's disgusting!" "Too? Wanna help then?" "Yeah. Lets teach the old goat that he can't screw around with inoffensive, innocent young women like us and get away with it." Aika holds up a pinky finger, which Becky promptly wraps one of her own around. "It's a promise NEEE?" They both grin. "Say, what's your name anyway?" Author's Afterwards: Guns and Cuthulu are two things that Aika and Becky had in common so I ran with them. This is supposed to be a ZANY COMEDY, so don't worry about intricate plot and character development. Just type whatever comes into your mind until you collapse and die from exhaustion. BUT, be sure to send a copy to Twoflower before you kick off. This episode was written in a non-stop three and a half hour frenzy of madness on a Sunday night from 10 PM until 1:30am. REMEMBER, even though I used Cuthulu and Villyn to start the story off, we DON'T have to follow either Magical Girl Hunter or Do- Gooder continuities. In fact, we shouldn't!