GIRLS WITH GUNS, or how my sanity was lost The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Started by: David Kelk This episode carefully crafted from pure and pristine ASCII, by Jonatan Streith. Accept no imitations. Hosted At: Improfanfics, http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic/ Episode Three: Shadowplay Author's Note: This story is dedicated to the ones I love and to the ones I hate. * * * "So that's the way it will be... look at me, little girl." --Magical Star, Dark Star --------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #34-E: Becky Full name: Rebecca Petulia Anderson Hit points: 23/23 Mana: 45/45 AC: -2 (-8 when wearing Sailor Fuku) Abilities: -Magical Girl, reincarnated -Crack shot -Martial Arts -Demolitions -Special Agent Training -Bass guitar -Inverse singing Inedible. Not available for rent. Tap for Greater Power. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Becky wakes up as Mr. Sunshine greets the day; he does this by turning up his stereo to max, just like every morning. Meanwhile, sunlight from the not-so-cheerfully named sun pours in through the window. Becky opens her head and lifts her eyes, before the author realizes the mistake, and winces as the inlaw of all headaches makes its presence known. However Becky was rather well acquainted with headaches, and ignores it. A few thumps against the wall, and Mr. Sunshine turns down the music to more reasonable volumes. The short period of amnesia we all suffer from in the morning (to prevent us from waking up screaming, which is unhealthy) ends, and Becky's cogitive systems start making a nuisance of themselves. [Where am I? Who am I? Who's on first base?] A quick lookaround verifies that the room is her bedroom, a moment of introspection (and a chat with the two voices in her head, bothersome as always) tells her that she is Becky, and she refuses to start doing Abbot and Costello skits this early in the morning, at least with herself. She also realized that she was wearing her school uniform. Since she isn't in the habit of sleeping dressed, at least not that much (Sheesh! Calm down, hentai! Yeah, you. You know who you are.), this causes another question to form in her head, much to the displeasure of her neural pathways. [What happened last night?] Fog. Nothing but fog fills her head, which might mean that she was in London last night, or that she got sloshed out of her mind. The headache and lack of cheap European souvenirs confirms the second option. [This is the last time I go drinking... if only Aika...] Aika. Where did Aika go? Did she go home? Did she stay? Lingering on the questions, she completely fails to notice the door opening. Which is why her next action is to leap four feet into the air as Aika walks in. "Hi!" Leap. Aika looks up. "Man, those chandeliers are pretty sturdy, aren't they? I've made breakfast!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #11-A: Aika Full name: Aika Hit points: 21/21 Mana: 18/18 AC: -4 (-10 when wearing Sailor Fuku) Abilities: -Magical Girl -Crack shot -Motorcycle driving -Frenzy Not available in monocrome. Tastes like chicken. Does not have the One Ring. Tap for Hide in Shadows. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "So what happened last night?" Becky asks, peering at Aika over the newspaper in her hands. Thursday, go figure. Aika shrugs, making certain parts of her anat-- [*SMASH!* The author hits himself and blames it all on hanging out too much with the local hentai] Aika shrugs. "We went to the Half-Lives, realized that it wasn't Tuesday, and you got picked up by some guy, got terminally drunk, destroyed the place, said something about nukes, and collapsed, I hauled you back here, dumped you in the bed, and camped on the couch, until the weirdo next door turned on his stereo, and then I made some breakfast." "60 words," Becky states. Aika stares at her. "Sorry, nothing." Changing the subject, she says, "So, any new jobs today?" "Besides killing Cthulhu - Ktulhu - Cuthulu - whatever?" Aika takes another bite of her toast. "Nah... anything in the paper?" "Let's see." Becky flips to the jobs section, but not before she's read the cartoons. "Hmm... 'Dishwasher wanted'. Naah." Flip. "'Join the dark side'. Huh?" Flip. "'Wanted: Dead or alive, for the destruction of Otakuheim'. I have no idea where that is." Flipflip. "'Computer administrator with experience wanted'. No..." Flipflipflip. "An ad for joining some war somewhere... 'must have cool superpowers'. Sounds REALLY weird." Flipflip. "'Biographical: Certain people would like to see Mr. Garth Sinclair end a successful career in the Omicron Eridani system' ...the heck?" Flipflipflipflip*RIP!* "Oops." She puts down the shredded paper. "Extensive, but nothing..." she finishes her toast. " I know something, though..." "What?" Becky asks, reaching for her glass of orange juice. "We're late for school." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #83-J: Orange juice Sunny Delight. Refreshing in the morning. Does not achieve sentience before 2000 turns. Nutrition points: 15/liter. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nemesis Serendipidy Villyn is angry. 'Livid' might be a better term. He was the destinied ruler of the world, master of the finest minions that could be found in the world, and a GOD (although only recognized by a few tribes in the middle of nowhere (not Wyoming), and yet this task daunts him! He puts down the Rubik's Cube, and turns to his loyal servants, seated around the table with their faces hidden in shadow is a really cool fashion. This was accomplished earlier by having unscrewed the lightbulbs, but never mind that. "Number three! Have you located the rest of the Do-Gooders yet?" "No results yet," number three responds, "but if I could just get reve--" Villyn cuts him off. (Not literally, of course. While killing your minions when they fail or displease you is standard Evil Overlord behaviour, and thus should be followed, his common sense (a small and generally overlooked part of his mind) had told him to do otherwise; after all, minions tend to come in limited numbers.) Villyn idly taps his foot. "Where was I?" "Dunno," number forty-six responds, "I think the writer went off on a tangent or something." A rumble can be heard in the distance. "Oh, yes." Villyn says, nodding to himself. "That was it. Number thirteen, how goes the undercover work?" "Very well, master," a young female voice says. "We have incriminating evidence on just about everyone and their dog." "Any particular dog?" Villyn asks. Number thirteen nods audably, and then spends some time wondering how the heck that works. "The English teacher's dalmatiner. We have photographic evidence of it digging in the garbage." She pauses. "And then I'll finally be able to crush that horrible little peasant girl! For humiliating ME, the wonderful and mighty--" Number eight-and-a-half nudges her. "You're ranting again, thirteen-chan." The mighty Villyn ignores their jabbering. "And the next point on the scedule... Number one!" Silence. "Number one, make your presence known!" Crickets can be heard in the background. Number thirteen raises her hand. "Master Villyn, you're Number one." Villyn blinks. "Oh yeah, I forgot. Very well then... Number two! Dispatch War Rocket Ajax!" "We don't have one of those." Silence. "Very well," Villyn says. "It appears that we've met with a minor setback. Number thirteen, I'm assigning you to this task." Number thirteen stands up and clasps her hands to her bosom. "It's a dream come true!" "Have it ready in three days. This meeting is adjourned." Villyn casually flings his cool evil-looking cloak over his shoulder, and strides towards the door. Just before he reaches the handle, the door is yanked open by a angry young man in shinto robes, who yells "EXCORSISM!!!" and violently smacks an ofuda into Villyn's unarmored face. The priest stares at him. "Sorry, wrong house." Groaning in pain, Villyn gets up into a sitting position. "Ow... kids today..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #2-H: Heart Heart High. High School. Moderately high social standards. Aika goes here. Reality index: 23 Hentai levels: 6 (negligible) Hit points: 2245/2250 Nexus point. Crystal point. Unnatural phenomena may occur. Your friends won't be able to help you, Kimberly. Tap for Disco Inferno. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Whew! Made it in time!" Aika exclaims as she arrives at her locker, exhausted. Running to school was never fun, although she prided herself on the really neat leap through the gates she had made, landing on some annoying girl. Feh, serves her for being cute. "Late again, Aika?" Sakura asks. "What did you do this time, go chasing after Elder Gods and do some bar-hopping in the meantime?" "Yeah," Aika responds, taking out the books for today's classes. Today is Math, Home Ec., Hentai Physics, Literature, and Meteors. Sakura nods. "Thought so. Hey, did you see the faculty building? Someone broke the entire fourth wall, just an hour ago!" "Huh," Aika huh'ed. "Broke the fourth wall? Some people." "Yeah," Sakura nods again. "By the way, I'm cutting class today. Gotta get my belt back." Aika blinks in confusion, standard anime fashion. "Someone took your belt? Maybe you should tell the police." While not being a real anime character, Sakura manages to sweatdrop anyway. "Uh... yeah. See ya!" "She's really upset about that belt, isn't she?" the mysterious robed entity, standing on her left side, comments. Aika turns to the arcane personage. "Hi, Yugi. No, I don't know... it sounds like it was an important belt, or something." "There's a lot of weird stuff going on. The way some guy knocked down the fourth wall, for example. I mean, I was in the school at the time. And see that guy over there, the one with the Gunsmith Cats t-shirt?" He points. "He's really weird." Aika frowns. "You don't think you're a bit paranoid?" He shrugs in a 'I wouldn't know' way. "I dunno. Say, wanna go to the movies this weekend?" "Um, maybe." Aika looks at her watch. "I gotta go now. See you at lunch!" Yugi nods at her receding back, and steps into his locker, closing and locking the door behind him. A few moments later, chanting can be heard from inside. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #41-G: Sailor Fuku Standardized outfit for Magical Girls. Designed for color coordination, and to satisfy fanboys. AC: -6 Durability: 150 Not edible, although deviations may occur. Tap for Kjata. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "ARRRGH! I'm going to KILL him!" Aki yells, as she rushes to school. For information's sake, the planned victim of Aki's presumed homicidal tendencies is her father, for rather obvious reasons. I mean, you've probably felt like killing your parents sometimes, right? Now take into accout that Aki's father is an evil overlord who wants to rule the world, keeps lots and lots of weird minions around, and keeps pestering her about joining the dark side, and not only... Aki taps her foot in annoyance. "Right." She takes off again. "DAMN him! Holding me up to rant about his evil plans, and how I should join his cause... AND I ran into that weird girl who keeps holding sacrifices on my porch... 'Aki-sama', indeed. I'll get them! I'll get them all!" she cackles, forgetting that it's totally OOC for her. "Not if we get you first," a female voice says. Aki halts, trailing dust, and turns. "YOU?!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #62-B: Aki Full name: Aki Villyn Hit points: 17/17 Mana: 53/53 AC: -3 (-24 when wearing Power Suit) Abilities: -Magical Girl -Arcane legalese -Complain -Posing -Brackets of Power Wants a normal life. Fashionable. Bad luck. Batteries not included. Tap for World Shaking. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Author's apocalyptic afternotes: Another story done, and damn, I feel good about it. I'm sorry if the plot got too big, but I just couldn't ignore it, theme or no theme. And NO, Roe, I didn't write a dramatic angst-piece like you did. Spoof is more my style, and I hope the references will be fun, even if they were a bit few. Also note that I've written it in present tense, just like the first episode. Have fun, y'all! Yanatan Sutoraisu, chaotic writer