"So, where are we going?" asked Becky. Aika handed a torn page of the Greater Tokyo Metro Yellow Pages to her partner-in-mayhem. The page contained a full-page ad which read ‘British Embassy of Japan - 523 Embassy Row - International Incidents apply at backdoor.’ "We’re going to cause an international incident," explained Aika. "Cool. But first, let’s go get more guns." **** Mr. Sunshine, pedophile in a pikachu suit at large, connected the final bridge clip to the kiwi, and listened to the satisfying hum as the power generating watermelon charged. As soon as the watermelon finished charging, his mind-control laser would be complete. "Soon, Becky-chan will be mine," tittered the rotund little maniac. And then, he proceeded to skip about his squalid apartment, giggling like a lunatic. Which was, oddly enough, exactly the case. **** It was not a dark cave that the locals shunned. Nor was it a cleverly disguised ultra-tech hideout that could stand against the might of heroes. It wasn’t even a ruined castle, ancient temple of evil, or seedy back-alley den of scum and villainy. What it was, was a nicely appointed office in one of Tokyo more expensive districts. The faceless minions Fuki had sent to find the Orochi were a bit confused. This was not what they expected. No occult trappings, not even anything that looked martial artsish. There was a brief jan-ken-pon tournament to decide who would brouch the Orochi’s lair. "Whoo-hoo!" "Ah, dammit." And so, Minion #23 was sent inside to retain the services of the Orochi, Attorney. **** Girls With Guns, Chapter 14 : Lawyers and Other Vermin by Anonymous and an infinite number of monkeys **** The first course of action was, naturally, to track down a Finn. Aika knew the series of elusive and very odd arms dealers, smugglers, and procurers from back when she was working with ... him. Aika shoved her train of thought in a different direction. She’d tracked down the new Finn’s location of the current Finn - a closed off station in the Tokyo subway system. Currently, she and Becky were trudging through a maintenance tunnel enroute to the Finn’s new locale. "So, what’s the story with this Finn guy?" "Well... um... basically, he turns up whenever we need weapons or other hard-to-find items. And we can run up a huge tab that will never get paid off." "So, he’s a plot device?" "Generally, yes." Aika and Becky stepped out of the maintenance tunnel and into the abandoned subway station. The platform where they stood was covered in a thick layer of dust, cobwebs, garbage and rat droppings. The exit to street level was bricked over, and the tracks which lay off to the left were warped and bent askew, their power long since disconnected. It would have been creepy, save for the bright and friendly neon sign on the far wall. It read "FINN’S" in pleasantly glowing letters. Below the sign, stood a metal door with no handles. The girls walked over to the door. Aika looked at Becky, and shrugged. "I really thought it would be less obvious than this." She drew her 9mm and Becky did the same, both prepared for any obstacles that might lie beyond the door. Aika reached forward and knocked the secret knock. Shave and a haircut, two bits. OK, so it wasn’t much of a secret. The door swung open, revealing what may have been the world’s largest rat. The four foot long vermin reared up on its hind legs, baring its fangs. Naturally, Becky and Aika shot it. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM etc. The hail of bullets should have reduced the creature to a nice chunky consistency. Unfortunately, all the bullets did was make a series of sad "plink, plink" as they hit the force screen that protected the giant rat. At about this point, Aika and Becky noted that their target was a) not actually attacking them, and b) wearing clothes, namely a leather vest and lycra bike shorts. They stopped shooting, and blinked at the rat. "Don’t worry, ladies, I get that all the time. I’m the Finn. How can I help you?" asked the rat, baring its teeth in what was probably supposed to be a friendly grin. **** MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #556-Mu: The Finn (All statistics are rated from 1 to 10.) Intelligence: 8 Age: 10 human years/50 giant rat years Reflexes: 5 Alignment: Whichever pays to most. Technical: 10 Body: 4 AC: -5 (permanent force screen) Looks: 1 Favourite Food: Rancid hot dogs Charisma: 6 (mostly good salesmanship) Cool: 5 (pretty good for a giant rat) Luck: 8 Occupation: Arms-dealer, procurer, ROUS Hit points: 17/17 Mana: 5/5 Abilities: -Can procure any weapon at cost -Not a cute animal mascot Edible, but why would you want to? Tap for Eye of Light and Darkness. **** "Ano... we’d like to get some new equipment. We’re planning on causing an international incident to flush out an old enemy," explained Aika. The Finn gestured expansively, indicating the short hallway and the showroom beyond. "Come on in. I’ve got plenty of international incident causing material that just came in." The Finn shuffled into the showroom, past a selection of cases displaying a variety of hand guns. At the end of the row of displays, he opened a case and withdrew a huge handgun. The girls looked at it in awe. Becky, via Agent BA-3, supplied, "An Israeli Military Industries Desert Eagle .50 AE Pistol, seven shot magazine, and one chambered, semi-automatic action, illegal outside of government possession, the single most powerful hand-gun in the world. Oooh...." "Sugoi," added Becky. The Finn grinned at the girls, twitching his ears. "You girls know yer stuff. I like that in a customer." He rubbed paws together. "Now if you girls really want to cause an stir, I’ve got some thing you’ll really like. Let me go fetch it." The Finn dropped to all fours and scuttled into the back of the shop. Moments later, he reappeared with a small red ball, slightly larger than a grapefruit. "This here is the ultimate in weapons technology. The mostly deadly and efficient of man’s weapons." "A pokeball?" asked Becky, causing the Finn and Aika to facefault. The Finn picked himself up. "No, this is a TG4-133 ‘Red Ball’ Russian baseball nuke. The world’s smallest nuclear device, this is equivalient to a pony nuke, suitable for precision work, limited to a single city block. It’s truly amazing what people will sell if they’re desperate enough." The rat paused and offered the orb. "If you want, I’ll let you put it on yer tab." Aika was about to decline, when Becky, with a great deal of internal prodding from Agent BA-3, spoke. "Yes, we will take the nuclear device." **** Minion #23 looked at the meeting of his employer, Fuki, and the Orochi. Opting of a wise course of action, he ran for it before anyone said anything. Neither of the evil people cared. Fuki stood in the Orochi’s office, glaring menacingly at the erstwhile God of Hate. Similarly, the Orochi sat behind his exquisitely expensive desk, glaring menacingly over the lens of his glasses, and flaring tendrils of black energy. The addition of glasses wasn’t the only change in the Orochi. These days, he wore a pin-stripe suit and carried a briefcase. The Orochi enjoyed being a lawyer. Back when his followers, Shermie, Yashiro and Chris, had ditched him to become monks for the Dahli Lama, the Orochi had desperately searched for a source of hatred great enough to sustain him. And he found it in the form of lawyers. Everyone hates lawyers, and the Orochi channeled that hatred, possessing the most hated lawyer in Japan. Soon, he would sue the universe in oblivion. But, for now, he had a client. **** MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #667-Lemuria: The Orochi (All statistics are rated from 1 to 10.) Intelligence: 7 Age: Incalculably old Reflexes: 9 Godly Power Rating: Less than Vecna, but more Technical: 5 than Byatis Body: 10 Blood Type: Orochi Taint Looks: 7 Favourite Food: Hatred of mankind on toast Charisma: -1 vs. good guys/8 vs. bad guys Cool: Varies by episode Weaknesses: Chibification Occupation: Highest-paid and most hated lawyer in Japan Hobbies: Plotting the destruction of the Universe Hit points: 734/800 Mana: 400/500 SAN Loss: 1/1d6 AC: 0 Plane of Origin: Carceri/Tartarus Tap for Nihilistic Destruction. **** "So, in summary, I am to serve legal notice to these two magical girls, Becky and Aika, that they are to tried civilly and criminally on counted of illegal possession of fire-arms, destruction of public and private property, man-slaughter, cruelty to animals, malicious mischief, littering, loitering, and ...jay-walking." The Orochi paused. "After this point, I am to keep them entrapped in a variety of legal matters until I can arrange a trial date. At this point I am to attempt to have them sentenced to death, life imprisonment, or, at the very least, deportation." The God of Hate cleared his throat. "Correct?" "Absolutely correct," replied Fuki. "And please, feel free to use your skills that you were so famous for on television when you serve notice." Black energy flared even more rapidly across the Orochi’s form as he grinned. "But of course." **** Becky and Aika walked toward the British Embassy. Along the way, they argued. "Becky, why did you buy that bomb? It’s going to be way more trouble than it’s worth!" "I know... but, well, we couldn’t just leave it, could we? What if some random villain came to the Finn’s after us and got it? We couldn’t let that happen." "So, what are we going to do with it?" "I’ll turn it over to the US Embassy after we get done at the British one. The US is used to handling nukes, right?" At this point, somewhere in Becky’s head Agent BA-3 triggered the release of some endorphins, as a reward for doing as BA-3 had instructed. "Mmm...," said Becky, as a blissful look washed over her face. Aika sweatdropped in the face of Becky’s internal weirdness. The duo approached the British Embassy. The embassy was a walled compound, the heavy brick walls surrounding a pleasantly manicured lawn and a large five story embassy building. The front gate was flanked by four MI5 agents and a sign which read ‘International Incidents apply at back gate.’ Becky looked at the sign, then asked her cohort, "So, are we ready?" Aika snapped the safety off her Desert Eagle. "Let’s go flush Ramsbottom out." The pair trotted along the alley that led to the embassy’s back gate. At the back of the British Embassy compound, they found a small wooden door labeled ‘International Incidents Only’. Becky knocked and something strange happened. A hatch near the top of the door swung inwards, revealing the features of a very large and oddly expressionless British MI5 soldier. That wasn’t the strange part. The strange part was the little door that was open in the middle of the soldier’s forehead and the giant mosquito that was poking out of the opening. "’Ere now, can yeh come back later? We’re tryin’ to get an covert alien invasion stawted heah, so i’s not a gud time for salespeople," said the alien insect. **** The freak’s voice crackled over the surveillance equipment. "It’s charged! My mind-control laser is complete. Now you will come to me, my sweet, sweet Becky-chan!" In the room below, Mr. Sunshine giggled again and continued to tarnish the reputations of cute fuzzy mascots everywhere. After fourteen weeks of monitoring the disgusting lunatic, Ms. Moonlight decided of the fourty thousand, nine hundred and eighty-second time that she really, really hated this guy. And her boss. FIN