There exists an infinite number of worlds across the multiverse. Many of them are similar in appearance, only deviating on a few minor and unimportant details. Others, worlds with a lower reality index (which is, as you might know, the most commonly used measuring unit for reality), are VERY odd... instead of the normal laws of time and space, they follow all sorts of incoceiveable rules; such as that you can't die if you're a named character, or that everyone is forced to sing opera all the time... a few enlightened souls claim that this is because of 'narrative imperativity', 'the rules of drama', and 'the laws of plot', before those souls get dragged away to be subjected to hideous experiments. Why this is so, only God knows. And she isn't telling. There also exists writers who have a nasty habit of spouting totally unrelated facts at their readers, and exposit on the premise at length. Good thing I'm not one of them, right? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- GIRLS WITH GUNS, or the importance of heavy weaponry The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Started By: David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic/ This chapter was meticulously carved from a single block of raw ASCII by Jonatan Streith. So you'd better appreciate it, or a group of brainwashed bishonens will savage you with their swords at night. Episode thirty-five: Earth safe - but for how long?! This episode is dedicated to Phoebe. Have fun in Japan, Phoebe-chan! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm having another hallucination of apocalyptic import. What the heck are you doing here?" --Matsuro, Do-Gooders #28 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Villyn stood in silence, his gaze sweeping across the immense number of his faithful minions seated at the long, long table, which stretched towards the far end of the room. Truly his cause was noble to gather this many minions! True, most of the seated figures were mannequin dummies, placed to fill out seats so the room wouldn't look too empty, but it was impressive nontheless. Fuki fidgeted in her seat. True, she was a being of pure evil, drenched to the point of saturation in black, tainted sin and malevolence, and she wished nothing but to spread misery and suffering wherever she went... but the armor-clad nut looked funny, the way he paced back and forth like that. She'd soon kill again, but for now she wanted to look at the funny man. Apparently, having a cat in your soul had its quirks. Villyn turned around, facing the table. "Minions... the situation is grave." "Whose?" Number Twenty-Five said, snickering. Villyn pushed a convenient button on his end of the long table, and one of the dummies vanished out of sight. A second later, there was the sound of a plastic body being incinerated alive. "Let that be a lesson for all," Villyn said, his voice grim. The minions shared a collective sweatdrop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #44-V: Villyn Full name: Nemesis Serendipity Villyn Occupation: Evil Overlord (All statistics are rated from 1 to 10.) Intelligence: 3 Reflexes: 5 Age: Presumably 40-50 Technical: 9 Measurements: Unknown Body: 7 Blood Type: B+ Looks: 8 Favourite Food: McEvil Overlord meals Charisma: 7 Least favorite food: Asgard Crispies Cool: 4 Luck: Depends on the Hobbies: Taking over the world, making situation nefarious plans, laughing evilly, dating evil queens Hit points: 97/97 Mana: 11/11 AC: -14 ( 3 when not wearing technoarmor) Abilities: -Master of evil laughter #23-A to 75-V -Basic mad scientist -Influence -Obnoxious -Make pancakes -Charm evil women (non-evil women get +3 to their saving throw) 500 nutrition points if consumed by warlords from the pocket dimension ZFGTP, otherwise negated. Not recommended for higher office. Tap for Elvis impersonation. Invulnerable against blue attack. Background: Formerly an evil villain bent on world dominion, now... an evil villain bent on world dominion. Villyn still hates the Do-Gooders and believe that they must be eliminated to achieve his life-time goal (world dominion, in case you didn't get it the first time), but after most of them ended up on the Betty Ford clinic, reaching them was hard. Also, his attempts to annihilate Becky have so far met with no success. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Wow, so that's what he's like," Number Twenty-Five mused. "Do we have anything on me?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #25-M: Number Twenty-Five Full name: Unknown Occupation: Minor annoyance ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "HEY!" Number Twenty-Five said, fuming. "QUIET!!" Villyn bellowed, making the large windows with the ominous and scenic views rattle. "That is of no concern, Number Twenty-Five. What IS of concern is that my daughter..." He paused for effect. Several of the minions looked at their watches. "...Aki. She WILL be found. Maybe then she'll get rid of that magical restraining order." He blinked. "Did I say that out loud?" The minions all nodded. "Bah, no matter. Number Six, Number Forty-Two, and Number Twenty-Five, you're assigned to the task of finding Aki." Number Six scrambled to his feet and started saying something, but the minions on his sides dragged him down again. Villyn turned to Number Thirteen, and scowled. The girl looked odd... strangely malevolent, for some reason. While evilness wasn't a barrier in Villyn's organization (actually, it was a requirement), a small, overlooked part of his brain wondered where she had found such pure taint. Villyn blinked, and turned to the camera. "'pure taint'? That doesn't work." A rumbling sound could be heard not too far away. Villyn shook his head. Sometimes he did such odd things. "Number Thirteen!" Fuki fumed quietly. She had missed Doki Doki Kokoro! Someone would pay... well, there were a lot of people in Tokyo. No one was going to miss a few. Thirteen? What did the funny-looking man mean with that word? Now he was looking at her, looking really evil and imposing and stuff. Was he talking to her? Unbidden, a memory surfaced in her consciousness... her brutally killing that floozy Saikyo. Ah, happy memory... she purred a bit. "Number Thirteen!" Villyn boomed loudly (as compared to booming quietly). Fuki nodded to herself. Okay, he HAD to mean her. After all, when she had removed Saikyo from this plane of existence, she had forgotten to ask her what her number was. Oh well, she could always blame it on being distracted at the time. "NUMBER THIRTEEN!!!" Villyn yelled, making the windows break in showers of lightning and glass shards. Hiring the fx guy from "Highlander" was a bad move, in retrospect. "Yes, Master Villyn?" Fuki responded, locking gaze with the man. The effect was ruined somewhat by the fact that Villyn didn't look back. "War Rocket Ajax," the Overlord (evil) laconically stated. "I gave you three days to finish it, Number Thirteen. Have you progressed, or shall someone else replace you?" "Let them try, and I shall tear out their throats with my teeth and feast upon their weak bodies," Fuki totally failed to say. Instead, she said, "Ah, yes. We are progressing, and while the two underlings I sent out to gather vital components for the system matrix has completely failed to return, or even reported back to HQ, we have been able to come up with a satisfying replacement. [Never the less, I SHALL find and kill that girl who deigned to humiliate me like that...] "You will get your revenge soon," Villyn stated, accidentally revealing that he had been reading the script. "But for now I ask: Is War Rocket Ajax finished?" "Well," Fuki said, before a ponderous metal body crashed through the wall and bonked Villyn over the head, "Yes." "That will be all," Villyn said, before collapsing on the floor. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #FG-W: War Rocket Ajax Class: Interplanetary warship. Hit points: 5500/5500 Speed: 3 Weapons: Armed to the gills, and more. Construction time: 3 days. Cost to complete: 500 gold, 250 lumber, 99 Vespene gas. Powered by the blood of teens with attitude. However, Kool-Aid works even better. Can be upgraded to Battle Mech Ajax after construction of Monolith. Weak against Wind/Holy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By the mysterious powers of The Plot, the scene shifted to the rather odd-looking room of a teenager... of course, it was quite normal by its inhabitant's standards. "Ina ada da gavida... great toad god, hear my calling. The ultimate power that lies beyond the grasp of man..." Waving his ember scepter in intricate circles, Yugo continued chanting in eldrich tongues, when there was a knock on the door. "Damn!" Yugi said, as the 17-hour ritual was interrupted at its final phase... AGAIN. "What is it?" The door opened a bit and a middle-aged face, attached to a middle-aged head (presumably attached in turn to a middle-aged body, but the door blocked any view... not that we'd be really interested in seeing her, when there's so-- "*A-HEM!*" the woman a-hemmed, barely heading the writer off at the pass. ...ah, right. Where was I? Ah yes. -poked in through the opening. "Hello, son. Are you hungry?" The robed teenager sighed. "No, mom. And you interrupted me again. I'm trying to do a--" The mother nodded wearily, opening the door to reveal her full figure. Stop jumping like that, she's not that good-looking. "A ritual, yes. One day, those rituals will kill you, and I'm not exaggerating. Like that cat you and your friend brought here." Yugi shrugged, and started picking up the owl teeth scattered intricately over the floor. "Don't worry, mom. The wounds are healing up okay, right?" The woman tapped her cheek. "And what about your friend?" Yugi froze. "Him? Uh... he's... he's doing well, mom!" He hurried to say. She sent her son a Look (3 mana points, Save against Guilt -1). "Very well, young man. I suppose you'll have to decide this for yourself. But I will be VERY dissapointed if I have to go to the morgue to identify you." She turned and walked out the door, muttering to herself, "How could I ever have given birth to such a weirdo?" Yugi closed the door and sat down on his bed, fuming. "Me, a weirdo? Feh, idiots... I'll show them who's weird..." Muttering unaudiably, he picked up an ancient-looking urn with a demon-head statuette for lid. "Hmm..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #7-I: Ixupi Ancient Mayan spirit of evil. Highly dangerous. Do, NOT, under ANY circumstances, let it out of its urn! Do NOT let it into the world! It's so EEEEEEEEVIL.... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "So, judges," Sakura said, wiping some sweat from her brow, and some jello from some other places, "which one is the sexiest?" Sakura's gaze swept across the three new judges; they were the fifth batch so far. The first one was submerged in a small pool of blood, having collapsed during the first fifteen minutes. The poor boy would never look at a feather in the same way again. The second boy was chewing on his left foot, the fate of the shoe unknown. The third boy... amazingly enough, he was conscious and appeared to be by his senses, looking with rapt attention at the women in front of him. A bemused smirk that made you want to punch him adorned his lips. He absentmindedly smoothed out his grey trenchcoat. Sakura turned to Annikki. "Hey, look! One of the judges managed to stay awake! Now we--" She blinked. "Uh, what are you doing to her? Never mind that, is it even physically possible?" Annikki looked up from her treatment of Sofia, who quivered from holding the position. "Yes, but it takes practice... want me to show you, cutie?" Sakura had the decency (and ICness) to blush. "Um, the judges?" Annikki nodded. "Yes, yes, quite. Aww, he looks so cute when he chews his foot... I hope Aika-chan has some bandages somewhere." The reincarnated exhibitionist turned to the trenchcoated judge. "So, cutie... which one of us is the sexiest?" The boy grinned, adjusted his monocle, and stood up. "The sexiest person here is..." he tore open his trenchcoat, and the three scanty-clad/unclad/heavily-tied-up women leapt back in chock and/or surprise... "ME!! BWAHAHA-HAHAHA!!!" Sakura blinked. "Can we hurt him now?" The door flew open, and shoved Sofia into a closet. Aika walked in. "Hi, I-- Ramsbottom?!" she exclaimed in surprise, in case you didn't get it the first time. The man put on his bowler hat. "Yes?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #32-D: Ramsbottom Full name: Nigel Ramsbottom Occupation: Mysterious plot character, and annoying git. (All statistics are rated from 1 to 10.) Intelligence: 10 Reflexes: 9 Age: Appears to be in his 60's, but is probably older. Or not. Technical: 9 Measurements: Scrawny Body: 4 Blood Type: Possibly black ichor Looks: 6 Favourite Food: Tea and biscuits Charisma: 7 Least favorite food: Cauliflower Cool: 3 Luck: Has an annoying Hobbies: Annoying people, keeping the habit of coming time-space continuum straight, out on top. dating girls who want to kill him... sorry, wrong person. Hit points: 123/124 Mana: 158/293 AC: -5 Abilities: -Freeze time -Appear out of nowhere -Vanish without a trace -Flashing -Origami -Cosmic powers -Turn out to be someone else Does not have the One Ring. Available in six-pack for retail prices. Tap for Activate Mitochondria. Not a Commie. Background: [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Sunshine opened his left eye, and took in the angelic beauty that was Becky. Opening his left eye, he allowed the immense picture of Becky that he had painted on the ceiling fill his world, bathing in her beauty like the pervert he was. Getting up from the sofa, a million questions raced through his head. Most of them soared over his consciousness as they had nothing with Becky to do, but a few ground their symbolic heels into his grey matter and forced their attention. 1. I'm hungry. 2. I'm thirsty. 3. Where is Becky-sama? 4. WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT??? Fow while Mr. Sunshine's mind all too often was devoid of all things that made up the mind of a normal, rational, and socially acceptable individual, it was even more devoid this morning. His head empty, his precious memories gone. He ambled over to the window, having gotten the incredibly novel idea of getting some fresh air. He opened the window and poked his nightmarish visage through the opening, and took a deep breath. And looked down. And down. And down, at the mutilated body lying forlornly in the alley. The VERY familiar body. One that he had seen everytime he found a reflective surface that didn't mysteriously crack. He would have paled, had he been able to. "Oh yeah, THAT'S what happened last night." -------------------- Author's note: C sharp. o/ Laaaaa o/ [several glasses break] Oops. Author's comments: Well, well. I strike again. Another fanfic done, and I feel fine... well, kinda... but that's nothing to worry about. I hope that you'll enjoy reading this fanfic, and I hope I've managed to screw up the plot real good. Please send c&c to a99jonst@ida.his.se and let me know what you think... PLEASE? The scene with the dummies was inspired by the game "Sanitarium". Also, if anyone spotted the fact that I did say that this is #35 before I admitted it right now, let me know and I'll send you a secret prize. Gotta keep you on your toes, you know. ^_~ Jonatan Streith, in for the kicks