------------------------------------------------------------- Girls with Guns Chapter 21 - Conjunctions (possibly) and Big Guns! Written by Steven Scougall Girls with Guns created by David Kelk (dkelk@sympatico.ca) Hosted at Improfanfic (http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic/) ------------------------------------------------------------- Seeing as it's now chapter 21, a recap might be in order. However, this IS Girl's with Guns, an insane ChibiImpro. You don't NEED - actually, you probably do need a recap. So. Becky and Aika met up in a school called Heart Heart High. Mayhem, involving Big Guns, Cthulu, incarnations of Cthulu, an owl and a dog, happened. Meanwhile, something weird was going on with time. It was Monday one day, Saturday the next, and last Friday the day after that. Also, this chapter was supposed to be started on a Tuesday, yet was actually started on a Wednesday, which was still a Tuesday in some parts of the world. Or maybe that last bit was just an effect of different timezones, a lazy author, or perhaps both at the same time. Aika and Becky decided to investigate this time weirdness once they realised it was going on. More mayhem, involving more Big Guns, occured. When we last left our motley group of heroes, they were about to go and fight off War Rocket Ajax which was threatening the Betty Ford Clinic, an institution that the author is not familiar with and therefore shall not attempt to desribe. That pretty much covers it. We now leave you with the scene in Aika's house, where Daisy the super secret agent cat is urging the two Girls with Guns (tm) to go fight a rocket. - - - - - "So, let's go save the Betty Ford Institute and by extension, the Do-Gooders, from War Rocket Ajax!" said the no-longer-aloholic cat Daisy. "But why is all this happening?" asked Aika. "I just told you, because Villyn percieves them as a threat to his plans of world domination." "No, WHY why, not just why why." ******************************************************************* MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #001i-P: The Plot Full name: The Plot Of Girls With Guns. Nickname: Plotty Occupation: Plotting, not of the evil sort. (Also: Giving a story direction) (All statistics are rated from 1 to 10.) Intelligence: 7 Reflexes: 10 Age: 10 weeks (approx) + an age Technical: 9 spent 'in potentia.' Body: n/a Measurements: n/a Looks: n/a Blood Type: Glue Charisma: 6 Favourite Food: Strange ideas Cool: In its mind, 10 Least favorite food: Cliches In reality, n/a Hobbies: Being confusing. Luck: It's not very noticeable. This may or may not be a lucky thing. Hit points: n/a Mana: 1000001/1000000 AC: n/a Abilities: -Being confusing -Hiding -Passing by unnoticed Non-corporeal meta-narrative entity. If pressed, might be able to provide a clue as to what's going on. Maybe. Tap for Further Insanity, Leakage, and Weird New Directions. Background: Plotty used to be a small time plot-wannbe, hanging around and learning from its betters, such as its close cousins, The Plot Of Magical Girl Hunters ("Muggahplot") and The Plot Of Do- Gooders ("Deedgeplot"). After getting some weird ideas and being influenced by weird time anomalies created by the sheer density of Do-Gooders, Plotty found itself in charge of a totally new story. Plotty took one look at this new story, said "Cool, Becky and Aika are in it" and jumped into its new role with vim and vigour. Its inexperience in driving an actual story, however, is becoming more and more obvious as time goes on. ******************************************************************* Aika and Becky finished looking at Plotty's data file entry. "That doesn't really explain much," said Becky. "Claiming that we are merely characters in a story is disquieting," said Agent BA-3, through Becky. Somewhere, something shook and rumbled. The noise was quiet and understated yet was clearly audible to all. This was clearly an impressive magical feat or the effort of a sound technician who had stayed up all night working, drinking much coffee. In either case the special effects budget was severely strained. "What was that?" asked Sakura. "Couldn't have been anything important," said Daisy. "No, really," said Aika. "Something's really odd here. We just saw... that weird thing about plots -" There was that rumbling again. Aika chose to ignore it and continue on. "- saying we're just characters in a story -" The rumbling came again. "Which doesn't make any sense because I'm pretty sure I'm not just a character in some weird story -" That rumbling seemed to be remarkably consistent. "I really wish we knew what that rumbling was." ******************************************************************* MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #-3i-4W: The Fourth Wall Type: Meta-narrative partially sentient magical construct. Components: Warding, Mind control, Containment Area of effect: All-encompassing, except when it's broken Duration: Forever, except when it's broken Artifact that is all that limits the reader from the characters, and the characters from knowing they're characters in a story. Exerts mind control over its charges to keep them unaware of its existence and purpose, hence the requirement for sentience. The one of Girls with Guns is known as "Fragile Fourthy" to its friends, and is damaged easily. Despite the mounting evidence suggesting it's a silly idea, Fourthy continues to try and stay standing. ******************************************************************* "I didn't just see that, did I?" asked Daisy, who as the most competent person present had the greatest resistance to Fourthy's mind control. "See what?" asked Sakura, who as the least magical person present had the least. Actually, come to think of it, Hans had the least amount of resistance, and that's counting Sofia, the unconscious Johnny Cage, and the pile of unconscious judges that Annikki and Sakura had been collecting during the sexiness contest. However, he was so incredibly stupid, with no hint of a mind at all, that Fourthy's mind control was not necessary. "Something... about fours? Or was that fur? It's on the tip of my tounge... well... er..." Daisy shook her head, as if clearing it. "It's nothing important," she continued. "I must be imagining things. So! Onward to the Betty Ford clinic for has-been superhero singers, and to battle with the dreaded War Rocket Ajax!" Their mighty foray was interrupted yet again, this time by the ancient evil Mayan spirit Ixupi, Flayer of Souls and Eater of Skin (or possibly the other way around, or maybe both at the same time) as he came in the door. Without opening it first. Shards of wood and much sawdust flew dramatically from the doorframe, providing excellent cover for the freed spirit as he dashed inside. "Oh no!" shouted Becky, as Ixupi picked up one of the unconscious judges and messily flayed his skin before eating his soul. However, as the judge is a minor unimportant unnamed character whose only functions to Plotty were to nosebleed a lot and also be a victim, this is perfectly okay. From a certain point of view. >From the point of view of the characters, it wasn't okay, and quite a disgusting spectacle to watch. Fourthy shook once more, and thought that it'd check out the next job offer thoroughly. All this shaking was bad for its health. Where was I? Oh yes, Ixupi. After messily killing the unnamed judge, the ancient Mayan spirit picked up the next available person, which happened to be the painfully (well, anybody looking like that HAD to be in pain) restrained Sofia. "AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," laughed Ixupi as he saw the frightened look in Sofia's eyes. "HRMMMMPH!" shouted Sofia. Translated from Gag-In-Mouth-ese, this meant "HELP!" BANGBANGBLAMBANGBLAMBANGBLAMBANGBANG, said Aika and Becky's guns. "Ouch," ouched Ixupi, his voice coming through his newly ventilated chest instead of his mouth. "Hans is confused," said Hans, in a rare display of vocabularic diversity. Sofia didn't say much. The barrage of ordinance had almost blown her brains out - it had certainly cut her long hair short. Coming that close to being killed tends to quieten even the stoutest and most obnoxious person. Of course, her silence was helped by the fact that she was still gagged and restrained. It was helped even more by the fact that she'd fainted from the shock. "Need... sustenance... to reform... chest... and stop... talking... like... I'm... in... a bad... TV... show..." Ixupi totally failed to say. Instead, he said "Need... s - urk," as Becky and Aika opened fire once more, this time ventilating his head. "Ow," said Ixupi. Nobody wanted to venture a guess as to exactly how the severely perforated spirit could talk, or where on its mangled body it was talking from. "Do you have a rocket launcher?" Becky asked. "I suspect that a Magical Mayan Urn launcher would be more effective," said BA-3, through Becky's mouth. "Do you have one of those?" finished Becky, once she had control of her mouth again. "I think I do. I'll just go check." The heavily damaged spirit started pathetically crawling for the door, somehow still holding Sofia even though 90% of its body had been mangled. Exactly how Ixupi was managing it is known only by Plotty, who isn't telling. "Ano," interjected the heretofore-unmentioned Annikki, and gestured towards Sofia. "Cold you avoid killing that woman there? She and I have... unfinished business." "Sure thing," said Aika as she left the room. She was back in less than a minute, carrying a truly massive gun. It followed the same basic 'tube with bits glued on' design that most guns do, but the barrel was much wider and longer than even large rocket launchers. Somehow, Aika was holding it under just one arm. The ammo chamber was open, into which she was loading an urn that had a spring-action lid. A minute might be considered a long time when the intended target is crawling determinedly for the door, but the necessity of dragging Sofia and the condition of its body meant that Ixupi had managed to crawl a few meters only. It looked up as it heard a nasty little clicking sound, to look directly down the barrel of the Urn Launcher, with an urn loaded and ready to fire. ******************************************************************* MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #W-456009: Urn Launcher Type: Launching Weapon. Class: Heavy Urninance Range: 50 metres Components: Lots of mechanical gadgets and widgets. A weapon specially designed for launching urns of sizes up to Medium with speed, accuracy, and precision. Rare. When using it to launch Mystical Magical Mayan Sealing Urns, you must aim very carefully, otherwise the splash effect will affect innocent civilians. ******************************************************************* Aika tried to aim really carefully, she really did, but just as her trigger finger was about to go that final little squeeze, Ixupi managed another inch and she had to adjust her aim a tad. As she was doing so, a mosquito landed on her nose and caused her to twitch slightly. And thus the urn did not hit the spirit dead on. Instead, it was travelling a touch to the side and instead of hitting Ixupi dead-on it hit at a slight angle. And thus there was a slight crack between the spirit's body and one side of the mouth of the urn as it hit. The magic fired, and instead of trapping just Ixupi, went through the aforementioned crack and picked up Sofia as well. There was lots of screaming, both inhuman and gagged, along with lots of fireworks, and once it was all over, the lid of the urn snapped shut, trapping Sofia and Ixupi inside. ******************************************************************* MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #W-456009: Mystical Magical Mayan Urn Type: Magical urn Components: Clay, Containment, Sealing Size: Medium Designed to contain a single evil spirit. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to contain anything other than just one evil spirit inside the urn. The ancient Mayans weren't sure what the circumstances would be like, apart from that they're probably disastrous. ******************************************************************* "Uh oh," said Becky. "Oh dear," said BA-3. "Could you stop talking in a different voice like that, Becky- chan?" asked Aika. "It's really irritating." "Mou," complained Annikki, stamping her foot and setting up fanboy- pleasing vibrations through her body. "I told you I hadn't finished with her." "I am Hans," Hans said to Annikki. "I have big muscles." "Are you, now," she purred, looking at the German lug with interest. "Um... War Rocket Ajax?" said Daisy. "It's still heading towards the Betty Ford Clinic, you know." "Should that urn be shaking like that?" asked Sakura. All present took a look at the urn. (Excepting Hans, who just stood there looking big and muscular.) The urn was shaking at high speed, and the rate of vibration seemed to be increasing. "It might be a good idea to run," said Daisy. "Towards the Betty Ford Clinic, of course." And then the urn exploded. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" laughed the entity that broke free from the exploding shards of pottery. It was tall and female - quite definitely female. This was made even more obvious by its skimpy leather clothing. And it had a whip. Though anything with those weird eyes and skin colour probably wasn't human. "I am Sofixupia!" it shouted. "I am Hans," said Hans, walking up to the latest targ... er... woman to show up. "Go away, worm." "I am very well muscled," he said, flexing his biceps to prove it. "Zhe digz me," he thought. Sofixupia dug her hand into his chest and ate his soul alive. Hans looked slightly confused and then toppled over. "Damn, that was just a snack," she complained. ******************************************************************* MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #001i-P: Sofixupia Full name: Sofixupia, Eater of Souls and Chocolate Occupation: Plotting the demise of everyone on earth, starting with the people she really hates (All statistics are rated from 1 to 10.) Intelligence: 5 Age: 5 seconds, but rapidly increasing. Reflexes: 10 Measurements: "Stacked" would be a better Technical: 6 description than mere numbers. Body: 10 Blood Type: Probably black ichor Looks: 8 Favourite Food: Chocolate-flavour souls Charisma: 3 Least favourite food: Nut-flavour souls Cool : 6 Hobbies: Eating souls Charisma: 3 Cool: 7 Luck: Hard to get any worse than Sofia's. Hit points: 900/923 Mana: 302/2496 A/C: 2 (-2 if she concentrates on something other than eating souls) Abilities - Whip fighting - Natural Death ray - Mistress of the Dance - Eating souls - Snazzy dress sense Might have one of the Three Rings. Tap for Revive Soul. Vain. Soul-eating fixation. Background: In a frenzied battle against the ancient Mayan spirit Ixupi, Sofia and Ixupi were accidentally shoved into the same Mystical Magical Mayan Urn. Such urns are designed to hold only one evil spirit at a time, and thus its magic merged the two beings into one - Sofixupia, who got the best traits of both Sofia and Ixupi. Needless to say, a lot of Sofixupia's traits come from Ixupi. Except for the physical ones. With her newfound power, Sofixupia busted her way out of the urn, ready to eat some souls, especially those of the people who made Ixupi's and Sofia's lives miserable. Chief amongst these people is the reincarnated Annikki. ******************************************************************* While Sofixupia was demonstrating her vanity by standing around reading her own data file entry, Aika and Becky shot at her. It didn't work. The bullets hit Sofixupia all right, they just had no effect. Some spanged off her skin, others flattened into metal discs, and others evaporated. The bullets had the unfortunate side effect of completely ruining what was left of Hans. It's a good thing he was dead before they started shooting, otherwise he would have died extremely painfully. Actually, having your soul eaten alive is probably a lot more painful than being shot to bits. Which just goes to show. Well, it might show something, but the author isn't quite sure what. The half-human half-evil-spirit blinked a couple of times, then grinned evilly. "Cool, bullets don't hurt me." "Quick Becky, fire another urn!" "I'm all out of magic urns!" "Oh no, what can we do now?" "Say," said Sakura, "is this a rocket launcher under the sofa?" "Yep," said Aika, as she retrieved her cunningly hidden (okay, not so cunningly) rocket launcher. "Do you really think you'll be able to fire that at me?" asked Sofixupia, as she flickered out of sight and reappeared right in front of Aika, snatching the weapon from the girl's hands. "I'm MUCH too fast for you." "Look, a mirror!" shouted Annikki, pointing dramatically. "Where? Where?" shouted Sofixupia, whirling around to find the reflective surface that would allow her to gaze upon her superior form. The others took advantage of this moment of distraction to run for their lives, Daisy suggesting every thirty seconds that they head towards the Betty Ford Clinic. Such was Sofixupia's vanity she didn't notice the five had gone for at least half an hour. - - - - - The gigantic utterly ridiculous looking War Rocket Ajax flew not- so-majestically through the air towards the Betty Ford Clinic. Weapons bristled from every conceivable surface and from some completely inconceivable surfaces as well. The roar of mighty engines drowned out all sound within several kilometres, and a flare two hundred metres long blasted out from its rear, sending it scudding forth through the sky. Truly it was an Impressively Mighty Harbinger of Doom. It was going at ten kilometers an hour. Truly it was also a Ridiculously Slow Harbinger of Doom. Annikki and Sakura had departed from the group, with talk about completing a contest. Aika and Becky didn't care that much what sort of contest, just as long as it didn't interfere with the opportunity to cause mass destruction. Having received assurance that this contest would not cause such interference, the two homicidal maniacs and one secret agent cat continued on, easily catching up with the massive rocket. "Not very fast, is it?" commented Aika. "What was that?" yelled Becky. "I can't hear you!" shouted Aika. "I'm sorry, it's too noisy!" screamed Becky at the top of her lungs. Daisy held up a notepad. On it was written "Write it, you idiots!" Daisy then held up a second notepad in the direction of the author. "One more bad joke like that and I kill you." Daisy then looked confused as Fragile Fourthy once more exercised its mind control. "Who are you writing that to?" asked Becky. Daisy glared at the girl, and held up another message: "I said, WRITE IT!" "So, what now?" wrote Becky, and then BA-3 took over and made her write "We stop it, of course," which was followed quickly by Becky writing "How?" "That's... an interesting way of writing," wrote Aika. "What with the way you answer and respond to your own questions." - - - - - On board War Rocket Ajax, Fuki's Troopers scuttled around, making sure that the war rocket kept moving, and training at least one weapon on all the threats the external monitors showed. Considering the sheer amount of weapons the rocket possessed, this was easy. The main weapon - a stupidly powerful laser beam with ten SCUD missiles for backup - was trained on the distant Betty Ford Clinic, which was gradually getting larger in the monitor's display. In the corner of that display, there was a red digital countdown, which was counting down VERY slowly, which just goes to show that evil villains never learn from the mistakes of others. "Commander! There are three people approaching War Rocket Ajax!" "On screen!" A picture of Becky, Aika, and Daisy flashed up onto the main monitor. A murmer of recognition ran through the crowd of Troopers. "That's HER!" said the commander. "The girl Fuki-sama wants dead! Shoot her right now!" "Commander, incoming!" "Yes?" "It looks like... a stupidly overweight man flying in a contraption made of fruit?" - - - - - "I'll save you Becky-sama!" shouted Mr. Sunshine as he arrived. "Who the hell are you, you freak?" said the sign she held up, scant seconds before it was shot to bits. "They're shooting at us!" shouted Aika. Looking at Becky's bemused expression, she thought "I'm not going through that again, and besides, I don't have time to write anything." She grabbed Becky, and jumped behind Mr. Sunshine, who, being so enormously fat, was quite a good shield. He was an even better shield when he twisted a pineapple and a a forcefield popped into existence around the foursome. The sounds of the outside world were somewhat muted, and it was suddenly much easier to hear each other. "Becky-sama!" declaimed Mr. Sunshine. "You haven't given me a chance!" "Becky... 'sama'?" asked an incredulous Becky. (To be continued) Author's Note: G flat. Author's Chord: E flat minor 7 diminished. Author's Song: Improvised. (But of course.) Author's Instrument: A piano. Author's comments: Wai! That was fun. Hopefully I managed to really mess with things. ... ...I really can't think of any other comments. ^_^; So. On to the next writer, then.