W4: Good evening, and welcome to... ...Chapter 23 of "Girls with Guns". I read the first 22 chapters... all at once. Once my sense of reality stopped teetering on the balcony and yodeling showtunes, I noticed that this story was missing something: class. Therefore, this chapter is going to be entirely in Shakespearean English. Thank you, and God (or Kasumi, or Jack, or whatever) Bless. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* GIRLS WITH GUNS: It's "Do-Gooders" meets "Bob the Angry Flower"... on acid! The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Started By: David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca This Chapter By: W4, woofersan@home.com Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic/ Episode Twenty-three: Zounds! Forsoothificate the egregious malapropism! Or not. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Mr. Sunshine: Hastily thou dost misjudge thee, madams! My fruit machinations are not abusive! Wouldst thou condemn the seedless watermelon? Or the stay-fresh apples? Or perhaps the exploding rutabaga catches your offense? Ms. Moonlight: Everything about you reeks of unnaturalness! Thy very existence is an affront to all that humankind holds dear! Thou art a boil on the bottom of humanity! Ms. Moonshine: Alas, my dear comrade, thou art far too harsh on the poor man. I'm sure that, if thou looked deeply enough, thou might discover the sweet, poetic man trapped within! Ms. Moonlight: I may find many men trapped within that monstrosity. Mr. Sunshine: And would thou condemn me on this, my pure emotion towards this... Aphrodite? Truly and deeply do I love her with every inch of my body! Ms. Moonlight: Were that the case, thy love would know no bounds. Ms. Moonshine: No! Say it is not so! Oh, please, Angels that watch from above, tell me that my ears deceive me! Thou cannot love that strange wench! I am the only woman for thee, oh wondrous Sir! Mr. Sunshine: Prithee, what is thy name, odd maiden? Ms. Moonshine: Hast thou forgotten already! You once gazed upon my countenance and professed your undying love for me! And I returned thy emotions! But... ...she, with her own cold, calculating, heartless hand, sought to put an end to thy life! I felt myself die a thousand deaths on that bleakest of bleak nights! Oh, please, kind Sir, compassionate Sir, do not forsake me! Mr. Sunshine: I would think that I would remember such an instance. Alack and alas, I cannot. And besides, it matters not. For it is she that my heart and soul belong. Becky: ENOUGH! Can thou not see what thou art doing to me! Mine head feels as though there were a thousand wild stallions rampaging through it, and surely that is 997 more than I am used to! Please, I beseech thee... stop thy prattling and arguing! Your words are like soil upon my flesh, dirtying me and making me feel spoiled! Becky: Stay back, thou bloated whale that calls himself a man! The thought of your sticky fingers upon my fuku-wrapped body makes me want to retch a thousand time over! I would rather throw myself onto the mercies of starved alligators than to spend one second in your company! Mr. Sunshine: Becky, my sunshine, my very REASON for being! Thou cannot spurn me so callously as though I were an unruly dog! Ms. Moonlight: More like an unruly elephant if one were to ask me. Mr. Sunshine: Enough of thee, gnat! Thou who lies in wait and flings crap upon me! Ms. Moonlight: Like attracts like, if one were to ask me. Ms. Moonshine: Every slur thou casts upon my beloved is a slur that thou casts upon me! Your incessant nagging is like a dagger in my heart! Becky: Truly cannot I stand any more of this nonsense! I will end it all! Mr. Sunshine: No, my love! Thou must not commit suicide! Becky: I spoke nothing about suicide. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* N. Villyn: Destiny. A feeble thing, is it not? For many cursed me, saying 'twas my destiny to fail and fall before my most hated of enemies. BUT! That will NOT be the case! My mighty, yet slow battleship will rain death and destruction upon the Do-Gooders, who foolishly dropped their guard and drowned their very souls in mead! And yet... I feel... strangely unfulfilled. Could it be... Ah, curses! 'Tis my familiar enemy, Guilt! For I am indeed ravaged by a nagging voice, oddly reminiscent of my daughter. Oh, alack and alas, dear Aki! Though I love thee like any father should, thou hast forsaken me time and time and time again! Why cannot thou join me and rule the world by my side? */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Princess Anniki: I am afraid that she will be unable to answer that at the moment, good sir. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* N. Villyn: NO! This is no time for me to falter, not while certain victory lies right before me! I shall endeavor to be strong and stand tall, like Mt. Fuji! I shall rise above all obstacles before me, take this world with these two hands, and be ruler of all, without equal! Aika: Thou dost truly believe that such madness will run unchecked? Tsk, tsk, thou art truly a fool. N. Villyn: You groundling demon-wench! Begone with you, lest I separate thee from thine head, witch! Aika: Behold, the majestic Sword of Dookie! N. Villyn: I know not of this Sword of Dookie. Aika: I named it when I was but 6 months old, I'm afraid. N. Villyn: I... see. But enough of this prattle. We fight for destiny! */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* W4: And now, it's time for you... YES, YOU! ...the readers, to decide what happens next between Aika and Nemesis Serendipity Villyn. Go ahead and tell me what you'd like to have happen, and I'll write the rest of the scene! Okay. I'm glad you're paying attention. But it's time for you to participate... so go ahead and participate already. What? You're still READING this... Okay, enough nonsense. Just go ahead and tell me what you want... ...stop reading. No, really. Stop. Reading time is over! Talking to W4 time is now! Darn it, I can't write the rest of this part if you don't friggin' communicate with me, people! STOP READING! W4: You test me, readers! I ask you a SIMPLE question, and you mock me! Well, FINE! Two can play at that game! Just for that, I'm going to write my OWN ending to this scene, so neener-neener-neener! W4: All right, no more of this Shakespeare hooey! I'm making the [GRAVY] without the [LUMPS]! I'm going to make the next scene like a Japanese Manga! Tremble in [FEAR], readers! */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* yb ti enodrevo dah ehs spahreP .eganrac eht tsgnoma doots ykceB .sM dna enihsnooM .sM ,enihsnuS .rM tsniaga ekirts raelcun a gniredro revetahw ro ,laretalirdauq ro ,elgnairt evol elohw eht ,revewoH .thgilnooM seitilanosrep rehto reH .eroc yrev reh ot ykceB detsugsid saw ti lleh eht .tuo meht tros doG tel dna meht fo eerht eht etamiced ot deerga akiA niojer ot devloser ehs ,sodriew esoht fo desopsid ylreporp gnivaH knurd tey ,layol reh eucser ot dna ,nylliV ytipidnereS sisemeN taefed ot dna .sredooG-oD eht ,sdneirf ,ecin eb dluow htab mraw a dnA .moorhtab eht esu ot dah ehs ,tsrif tuB .oot */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* W4: Still mocking my attempt at audience participation, are you? Well, how's THIS? Aika and Nemesis Serendipity Villyn are going to fall in love, get married, and have 14,000 children! How do you like them apples, huh? And guess what? Three of them are going to be Controversial Jack! You're not laughing NOW, are you? Didn't think so! Word to your mother! Batteries not included! Don't pick that scab; it'll only get infected! NO, I DO NOT THINK THAT TEDDY BEAR IS CUTE! IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY--- Roe: It's over, W4. The part is over. Just breathe... and relax... Here... just take deep breaths and look at these pictures of Anne Lysias as drawn by Eisu and Colin Woodard, okay? W4: Anne... Anne good. Writer burnout bad. Roe: We here at Improfanfic apologize for this author's outburst and would like to call to attention that this author has been... ...sacked. W4: Woodard good. Bikini good. Sand bad. Roe: Right. At any rate, the author would like to thank the previous contributors to "Girls with Guns", as well as myself and the splendiferous ravi for proofreading, formatting, and subduing. A tip of the hat go to William Shakespeare, Eisu and Colin Woodard. And to Phillip Barkow, who gets to try making heads and tails of this nonsense, we offer our deepest sympathies. W4: [CHEESE].