Cue the swordfighting tribbles!  Woofer's at the keyboard again!

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

Thank you!

And now, a brief note.  Aika, one of the leads in "Girls with Guns", fell ill.
She claims to have a serious case of Doesn't-Want-To-Be-In-A-Part-Where-W4-The-
Mad-Author-Is-Writing-Itis.  We wish her well.  However, the show must go on,
and we were able to find a replacement.

And now, on with the show!

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

GIRLS WITH GUNS: Well, what ELSE are you going to read between chapters of
		 "Slayers Demiurge", huh?

The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots
Started By: David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca
This Chapter By: W4, the Mad Author (woofersan@home.com)

Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic/

Episode Twenty-eight: Out with the Old.  In with the New.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

On the last episode of "Girls with Guns"...

Arthur "Bow Down Before My Mighty HTML Skills and CAPITALIZED, ITALICIZED
TEXT!" Monteath-Carr didn't advance the plot one inch, setting a precedence
that I can only pray is adopted by future GwG authors.  You rock, AMC!

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

	Near a Betty Ford Clinic in Tokyo(!), five young ladies were laying
low, avoiding tentaclely (and possibly hentai) death from the Statue of
Cthulhu.
	"That overgrown bitch!" Sofixupia seethed.  "I'll cut it down to size
and devour its soul!"
	Becky turned to... um... er... <^_^;;;>

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #QWERTY: Aika-Ikea

Full Name: Ikea of the Tibetan Furniture Dojo, Understudy to Aika
Occupation: Noble Furniture Warrior and Understudy to Aika

(All statistics are rated from one to ten... in hexadecimal.)
Intelligence:	8	Age:			14
Reflexes:	F	Measurements:		Oh, yeah, sure... like I'm 
Technical:	3				going to hold a tape measure
Body:		9				to a Furntire Warrior dressed
Looks:		A				like a Magical Girl. No.  Not
Charisma:	5				just No, but Hell No.
Cool:		A	Blood Type:		Pledge
Luck:		-FFFF	Favorite Food:		Anything with no flavor
			Least Favorite Food:	Anything with flavor
			Hobbies:		Training, training, and
						training.

Hit Points:	D9/D9
Mana:		3A/3A

AC:		0 (2 when forced to dress up as Aika, however)

Abilities:
-Master of the Art of Wooden Chair Fighting
-Spiky Hair, which grows spikier when in danger
-More honorable in one second than all of the rest of the cast of "Furniture
 Warriors" could be in their entire lives
-Aura of "Looking Righteous"
-Shows little/no emotions save an eyebrow twitch

Honorable.  May revert to Riot of the Varnish if forced to endure ten or more
consective episodes with stress.  Tap for Shokotan parody.

Ikea, honorable Tibetan Furniture Warrior monk (and card-carrying member of
"Impro-bishounnens Anonymous"), was called upon by the powers that be to
be an understudy for Aika in "Girls With Guns".  Though he is uncomfortable
with dressing in an army outfit (consisting of combat boots, a grey tank-top
and a camoflauge skirt), running around with women with varying degrees of
clothing and sanity, and facing off against what could arguably be called the
TRUE symbolic representation of the United States of America, he feels honor-
bound to execute his duty as Aika's understudy.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

	Becky turned to Aika-Ikea.  "Aika!" she screamed.  "This is no time to
get all sentimental!  Use your Little Big Gun to destroy that monster!"
	Aika-Ikea's left eyebrow twitched once.  He almost bigsweatted.  "As
it is dishonorable to deface someone else's fighting furntiure, I find it
equally distasteful to use such a weapon against some country's edifice," he
narrated.
	Princess Anniki sighed as she embraced Aika-Ikea from behind.  "Oh,
Aika-sama," she purred, "You're so honorable... and you have a nice body, too."
	Aika-Ikea's left eyebrow twitched once more.
	Aki bristled in anger.  "Will you stop goofing around?  We need to
find a way to avoid that statue's attacks long enough to assemble the sailors!"
	"THAT..." a voice boomed, "...WILL [NOT] BE NECESSARY!!!"
	Four ladies shouted, "What?!?".  Aika-Ikea's spiky hair became
needle-like.
	They looked up to see two figures firing various weapons and energy
blasts at the Statue of Cthulhu.  Becky pulled out a pair of binoculars.
	"How odd..." she remarked.
	"What?" Aki asked, while Aika-Ikea was busy fending off Princess
Anniki's advances.
	Becky continued, "It looks like two mages with grey robes are
destroying the Statue of Cthulhu!  There's some red design on their robes,
but I can't quite make it out..."
	Sofixupia snarled, "How dare they deny me of my vengeance!  I'll
devour their souls for this outrage!"
	Aki whacked Sofixupia on the head, rendering her unconscious.
	Becky continued to watch with her binoculars as the robed figures
gradually reduced the Statue of Cthulhu to the Figurine of Cthulhu.  One of the
robed fighters pointed at the Betty Ford Clinic while sealing the Figurine of
Cthulhu in a red trunk.  The second figure floated over to the Betty Ford
Clinic and roped the building off with some yellow tape.
	"What happened?" Princess Anniki asked.
	"Holy Frying Pans!" Becky exclaimed.  "They defeated the Statue of
Cthulhu!  And they're... roping off the Betty Ford Clinic?"
	The four conscious ladies(?) peered up from their hiding place.  They
observed as the two figures floated towards each other, exchanged high-fives
and scanned the landscape.
	"They seem to be looking for something," Aika-Ikea noted.
	"But what?" Aki asked.
	One of the figures pointed towards the five ladies(?).  He turned to
the other figure, nodded, and the two floated towards them.
	"They're coming this way!" Aki shouted.  Aika-Ikea's eyebrow twitched
once as he gripped his wooden chair.  Princess Anniki smiled predatorially.
Becky drew a gun and took aim.  Sofixupia snoozed, muttering something about
Andy Bogard and whipped cream.
	The hooded figures floated towards them.
	"Are you Becky, Aika, Aki, Princess Aniki and Sofixupia?" the first
figure asked.
	The four conscious ladies(?) nodded.
	The second figure pulled out a textbook and started to read.  "When
taking the integral of a quadratic quintiple equation..." it read in a
monotone voice.
	Becky gasped.  "Math textbooks!  We must... <yawn> ..."
	The four ladies(?) slumped down to the ground.  Aika-Ikea muttered,
"How... dishonorable," before sleep overcame them.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

	Meanwhile, far away from the GwG universe, Aika enjoyed a well-done
hamburger.
	"Ah," she sighed happily.  "A week off!  Now that hentai Mad Author
won't be able to try to mate me with anybody!"
	She felt someone tap her shoulder.  She turned around.  And screamed.
And ran.
	Henchi Hakuchi wondered what that was all about.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

	Mr. Sunshine, Ms. Moonshine (who is still in love with Mr. Sunshine,
by the way), Ms. Moonlight and Hans rematerialized on Earth in time to see
two figures in grey robes dragging five unconscious ladies(?) into a makeshift
shack.
	Mr. Sunshine squinted.  "Oh, no!  Those bastards are kidnapping my
Becky-sama!  We must do something!"
	"I am big und muscular.  Chicks dig me," Hans stated.
	Ms. Moonshine glomped onto Mr. Sunshine's leg, while Ms. Moonlight
tried not to vomit profusely.
	"Follow me!" Mr. Sunshine shouted as he lumbered forward, only to trip
over a glowing banana.
	Ms. Moonlight took a look at the banana, then panicked.  "That
banana is going to explode!" she shrieked.
	"She digs..."

	****KABLOOEY!****

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

	Aika-Ikea awoke in a haze.  He tried to rub his eyes, only to discover
that something was restricting his hands' movement.  When his vision was
completely restored, Aika-Ikea found that he was stuck to what felt like a
La-Z-Boy recliner chair.  He struggled against the leather straps that bound
his arms and legs to the chair, but he could not break free.
	"Aika?  Is that you?" Becky asked, sleepily.
	Aika-Ikea nodded, then stated, "Yes.  It is me.  But I cannot see you."
	"I... I think I'm behind you," Becky observed.
	Aki spoke, "Whoever captured us arranged these seats so that our backs
are to each other..."
	Princess Anniki chuckled.  "Well, they don't have to hurry on my
account," she purred, "I just love the feel of leather on my..."
	"I'll blind them with my beauty and steal their souls!" You-Know-Who
hissed.
	The two robed figures appeared before Sofixupia.  The first one
chuckled, teasing, "We don't think so!"
	"Who are you?" Becky screamed, trying to get a look at her captors.
	The second robed figure laughed.  "The Impro Inquisition does not give
its name to the likes of you!" it bellowed.
	The first robed figure facefaulted.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #(-6*pi*i)^2 : the Impro Inquisition

Formed by High Commander Torquemada and Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your
Clearance], this organization is dedicated to force Improfanfic authors to
confess that their submissions are bad.  They are not above using foodstuffs as
torture devices and forcing female Improfanfic participants to dress up as
mascots, other Improfanfic characters, or blocks of cement.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #24747: High Commander Torquemada

Full Name: High Commander Torquemada
Occupation: Improfanfic author, Leader of the Impro Inquisition

(All statistics are rated from one to ten... in hexadecimal.)
Intelligence:	7	Age:			15
Reflexes:	5	Measurements:		Tell you what... I'll let you
Technical:	10				ask him.
Body:		3	Blood Type:		Possibly human, but I could
Looks:		6				be wrong...
Charisma:	7	Favorite Food:		pizza, sushi, steaks, and thai
Cool:		7				chicken
Luck:		A	Least Favorite Food:	Spiders covered in mayonaise
			Hobbies:		Anime, video games, hentai,
						and psuedo-religious,
						Python-esque persecution.

Hit Points:	64/64
Mana:		96/96

AC:		4

Abilities:
-Can ingest unlimited quantities of caffeine, without side-effects.
-Can run/play/design RPGs.
-Has the Box o' Stuff. 
-Can eat the strangest things (tree leaves, ants, live snails...)
-Vast knowledge of hentai and lemons.

May have the Sword of Dookie, but why would YOU want it?  Tap for
vegetable abuse.

High Commander Torquemada formed the Impro Inquisition to force Improfanfic
contributors to confess to the poor quality of their submissions.  Or perhaps
he did it solely for the purpose of forcing the females in Improfanfic to
cosplay.  Or maybe he did it because the voices in his head told him to.  At
any rate, he did it, he's proud of it, and he isn't showing any signs of
slowing down in this lifetime or the next.  So neener-neener-neener.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #7284: Sub-Commander [Not Available At
					       Your Clearance]

Full Name: Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance]
Occupation: Improfanfic author, Proofreader Supreme, Second-in-Command of
	    The Impro Inquisition

(All statistics are rated from one to ten... in hexadecimal.)
Intelligence:	8	Age:			16
Reflexes:	6	Measurements:		I'm afraid that if I say the 
Technical:	F				wrong thing here, he'll never
Body:		6				proofread for me again.  Make
Looks:		6				up your own joke for this one.
Charisma:	6	Blood Type:		Quite possibly human
Cool:		9	Favorite Food:		noodle dishes, pizza, most
Luck:		A				potato products
			Least Favorite Food:	Anything with meat
			Hobbies:		Anime and comic collecting,
						and psuedo-religious,
						Python-esque persecution.

Hit Points:	6E/6E
Mana:		8C/8C

AC:		4

Abilities:
-Safe driver, even when travelling insanely over the speed limit
-Decent cooking skills
-Encyclopedic knowledge of El-Hazard
-Vast knowledge of other useless trivia
-Master of 1001 Laughs (mostly Evil)
-Largely immune to feminine wiles
-Can find _anything_ in the trunk of his car, given enough time.
-Is actually [Not Available At Your Clearance]

May has 31 days in the month.  What is the deal with May Day Play Day?  Am I
the only person who doesn't get the point of that?  I mean, what gives?!?

Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] was, oddly enough, the Impro
Inquisition's first victim as well as first recruit.  After having his fingers
broken (okay, so they were carrots.  Just PRETEND that they were his fingers,
OKAY?!?) by High Commander Torquemada, Sub-Commander gained newfound respect 
for his captor.  The High Commander was equally impressed by Sub-Commander's
resiliance and attitude.  High Commander Torquemada wasted no time in making
[Not Available At Your Clearance] his Sub-Commander.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

	"Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance]!" the High Commander
bellowed after picking himself up off of the floor.  "Watch your wagging
tongue!"
	Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] scratched his head and
chuckled nervously.
	"I demand that you release me so I can devour your soul!" Sofixupia
hissed.
	"...no," High Commander Torquemada replied.
	"Damn," Sofixupia cursed.
	Aika-Ikea cleared his throat, then spoke, "What you are doing is
dishonorable.  Why do you take such a course of action?"
	The High Commander grinned, then explained, "We are an organization
designed to capture Improfanfic writers and force them to confess to their
substandard submissions!"
	Aki asked, "What does this have to do with us?"
	"This is 'Girls with Guns'.  Duh," Sub-Commander [Not Available At
Your Clearance] replied.
	High Commander Torquemada tried not to chuckle.  "What Sub-
Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] is trying to say is that we are
going to use you to lead us right to our quarry!"
	"Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance]?"  Becky chuckled.
"What kind of dumb name is that?"
	Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] shrugged.  "It could
be worse," he admitted, "I could be named Torquemada."
	"HEY!" the High Commander protested.  "That's my name!"
	"Exactly," Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] chuckled.
	No one, save High Commander Torquemada and Aika-Ikea, could contain
a chuckle.
	"ANYWAYS!!!  You ladies..." High Commander Torquemada continued,
"are going to tell us how you summoned Plotty.  With their storyline held
hostage, the authors will fall all over themselves to come to its assistance!
And when they do... BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
	Princess Anniki chuckled.  "Oooh!  This is fun!  We will never submit!"
she gleefully announced.
	Aika-Ikea's right eyebrow twitched.  Becky and Aki, however, were far
less restrained.
	"Knock it off!" Aki demanded.
	"What are you trying to do?  Get us killed?" Becky shouted.
	Princess Anniki whined, "C'mon... they can't be ALL bad!  After all,
they like bondage..."
	"WE DO NOT!" High Commander Torquemada snapped, red-faced.
	"We don't?" Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] pondered.
	"ANYWAYS!!!  Princess Anniki, since you will not cooperate, you force
our hand!" High Commander Torquemada announced in an eerie voice.  "Prepare to
face hell!"
	High Commander Torquemada and Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your
Clearance] pulled out a pair of tomatoes.  "Pretend these are your eyeballs!"
High Commander Torquemada commanded, as he and Sub-Commander [Not Available At
Your Clearance] started to jab the tomatoes with thumbtacks.
	"What's going on over there?" Becky asked.
	Princess Anniki bigsweatted.  "They're... abusing produce," she
responded.
	Aika-Ikea's left eyebrow twitched.  "It is most dishonorable to
torture innocent fruit products," he noted.
	High Commander Torquemada popped a vein in his forehead.  "She's
supposed to pretend that it's her eye!" he hollered.
	Princess Anniki pouted.  "That's no fun," she stated.  "Instead, why
don't we pretend that it's..."
	Princess Anniki whispered to the High Commander and the Sub-Commander.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

	"What the hell are you?" Kamiversal Jack asked Mr. Sunshine, Ms.
Moonshine, Ms. Moonlight and Hans.
	"I am Hans.  Chicks dig me," Hans responded.
	"Becky-saaaama!" Mr. Sunshine yodeled.
	"Mr. Sunshine-sama!" Ms. Moonshine sobbed.
	"..." Ms. Moonlight deadpanned.
	Kamiversal Jack looked over an invoice sheet.  "Oh, yeah... it says
here that if I don't send you back, then bad, nasty, evil, chaotic things will
happen."
	Kamiversal Jack pondered his last statement for three seconds.  "Then
my course is clear!" he announced.  "You four are staying here!"
	All but Hans, who was too busy posing, pouted.
	"But since I have to pretend to keep the cosmic balance and whatnot,
I'll send a flesh-eating weasel, a constipated wolverine, Man-Chick and Mr.
Frogs-For-Hands down in your places.  Well, ta!" Kamiversal Jack chimed as he
snapped his fingers and skipped away merrily.
	"No Becky-sama?" Mr. Sunshine wailed?
	"Yay!  I can be with Mr. Sunshine forever!" Ms. Moonshine cheered.
	"A constipated wolverine?" Ms. Moonlight parroted, her hair frazzled
and frayed.
	"He digs me," Hans concluded.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

	Back at the secret hideout of the Impro Inquisition, Princess Anniki
was gasping for breath.  Her entire body was red, and she had broken out in a
sweat.
	"HAH!  That's what you get for defying the Impro Inquisition!" High
Commander Torquemada taunted, pointing at the dissheveled Princess Anniki.
	"Boss," Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] interrupted,
"I think she liked it."
	"WHAT?!?" the High Commander coughed.
	The Sub-Commander explained, "Call it a hunch, boss, but when she
shouted, 'Oh, God, yes!  Right there!!!', and the tomatoes exploded, I couldn't
help but think that she was... enjoying it."
	The High Commander turned to Princess Anniki.  "IS THAT TRUE?!?" he
barked.
	Princess Anniki sighed, "Call me...", winked at him, and passed out.
	The High Commander's nose bled.  Clearing his throat, he ordered to
the Sub-Commander, "When she wakes up, recruit her."
	"Yes, sir!" the Sub-Commander responded, following up with "NYAR HAR
HAR HAR HAR!"
	Aki, red-faced, tried to sink down in her chair, muttering, "That's not
me.  That's not me.  That's not me..."
	"I'm far sexier than that... SCHOOLGIRL, whose soul I will devour!"
Sofixupia announced.
	Aika-Ikea and Becky sat there, stunned and red-faced.
	"Hey, boss... let's try torturing the blonde with no fashion sense
next," Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] suggested.
	"HEY!" Becky protested, as the two hooded figures advanced on her.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

	A flesh-eating weasel, a constipated wolverine, Man-Chick and Mr.
Frogs-For-Hands walked into a bar.
	The bartender turned around and said, "Welcome to Chee... LEAPING
BAGS OF SNOT!  What in Kasumi's name are you supposed to be?"
	"Haaaay..." a drunken Nemesis Serendipity Villyn slurred, "Where's
my sch-... sub-... my plant-thingie?"

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

WHAT WILL HIGH COMMANDER TORQUEMADA AND Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your
Clearance] DO TO BECKY?  WILL THEY SUCCEED IN USING PLOTTY AS BAIT IN THEIR
SINISTER PLANS?  WHAT WILL BECOME OF MR. SUNSHINE, MS. MOONSHINE, MS. MOONLIGHT
AND HANS?  (They stay dead for AT LEAST one episode.  Duh...)  WHAT WILL BECOME
OF CTHULHU? (Hopefully, he'll stay away.  I mean, running jokes are fine and
all, but what was next?  President Billthulhu?  C'mon...)  WILL NEMESIS
SERENDIPITY VILLYN FIND A SHRUBBERY, OR WILL HE JUST STAY IN THE BAR AND GET
PLASTERED?  AND WHAT OF THE FOURSOME TAKING THE PLACE OF MR. SUNSHINE, MS.
MOONSHINE, MS. MOONLIGHT AND HANS?  AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, WHAT IS THE
SIGNIFICANCE OF THE FILE ENTRY NUMBERS FOR HIGH COMMANDER TORQUEMADA AND
SUB-COMMANDER [Not Available At Your Clearance]?

All this, and less, in episode 29 of "Girls with Guns: Desperately Seeking
Plotty OR Sailors, Disassemble!" written by the lovely and talented
Jonatan Streith!  It will be nifty, will it not?

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

Author's Note: (C-major chord, second inversion)

Yup... the last chapter was a clip job.  Granted, it was a FUNNY clip job, but
a clip job nonetheless.  This can only mean one thing... WE'RE ON SEASON TWO
OF 'GIRLS WITH GUNS'!  Yeah!  Happy birthday to us, boyee!  That explains some
of the drastic things I did.  One might complain that I skewered the plot like
a shish-kebab, to which I will proudly reply, "What plot?!?"

Yes, there is an ever-so-slight significance to the file entry numbers for
High Commander Torquemada and Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance].
But if it takes you longer than ten minutes to figure out, just forget about
it. It's not that important, and I'm not going to pull a Xelloss (withhold the 
information, taunt others and get my arse kicked by Lina Inverse.  Repeat 
until, and beyond, not funny.).

A tip of the hat go out to all FW writers (except me, of course.  I'm a
pathetic shell of a man, but that's a different story without a plot), Kendra,
Josh Lesnick and Spumco.

Thanks go out to Chris Nichols and the splendiferous ravi.  They helped make
sure that I got the characterization and file entries for the Impro Inquisition
down pat.  This is in addition to the mad ninja proofreading skills that I
so sorely need.  Thanks also go out to Stephica, who gave me the idea of
Man-Chick (who replaced a sentient guppy, by the way) and corrected an error
or two.

Questions?  Comments?  Statements?  Inquiries?  Things you want to know?  Then
you can email me at woofersan@home.com.  But if you have a flame, send it to
postmaster@... <evil grin>