"Had a nice vacation?" "Yeah, thanks. Um, you're not going to go mad and have me do something weird in this episode, are you?" "Of course not. Mwahahahaha..." "...help..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- GIRLS WITH GUNS: How to put off doing a three-part report in favor of an impro - and enjoying it! The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Started By: David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca This chapter by Jonatan Streith, who's apparently lovely and talented. Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic/ Episode Twenty-nine: Desperately Seeking Plotty OR Sailors, Disassemble! NOTE: The password for this week is 'rhubarb'. Don't forget to bring the wine this time. WARNING: The word 'excorsism' may be misspelt. I have no dictionary. Sorry. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- RECAP: Always recap your soda bottles, to prevent them from going flat. Last week on Improfanfic, the Starter Sweepstakes were held. But in GwG, War Was Waged! Actually, the group of femme fatales (well, they're femmes, and most of them are quite fatale) consisting of Becky, Aika (?), Annikki, Aki (from the future) and Sofixupia (and frankly, ye humble author have no idea how she ended up in the group - and anyway, she should already have collected enough life essence to [*SMASH!* the author gets malleted for obnoxiously assuming that everyone else knows about Ixupi.] You mean they don't? [*CRASH!*]) ...had been captured by the Impro Inquisition, which no one had really expected. Meanwhile, Kamiversal Jack, having taken Kasumi's job (what, you don't read Ultra? Heretic!) had opted to NOT send the merry group consisting of Mr. Sunshine (pedophile with a mission), Ms. Moonshine (happily brainwashed), Ms. Moonlight (defender of innocent fruit everywhere) and Hans (part-time teacher at Harvard) back to Earth, AGAIN, but decided with his divine wisdom to send a flesh-eating weasel, a constipated wolverine, Man-Chick, and Mr. Frogs-For-Hands in their place. The odd quartet has met up with Villyn, who in a state of inebriation asked them if they had a shrubbery. The dance goes on... sorry, wrong script again. ¤-¤-¤ High Commander Torquemada loomed over the restrained girls, his face the visage of an enraged inquisitioner (or a fanfic writer, but we're not supposed to know that). "So you refuse to submit, heathen?!" "Yes," Aika stated matter-of-factly. "I see," the High Commander 'I see'ed, looking deceptively calm. "I see indeed. I see that we will have to resort to... plan B! Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance], bring me... the Outfits!" (cue screams here) The Sub-Commander grinned nefariously (it was a great nefarious grin, too, and it's a shame the hood obscured it) and reached into the darkness of his robe, producing... "Pardon me if I'm wrong," Becky stated, a sweatdrop building behind her head (Agent BA-3 had classified sweatdropping as an anti-American action and was mightily peeved), "but would that happen to be three tissues tied together with dental floss?" "...how did you know?" the Sub-Commander asked. ¤-¤-¤ "Nonononononononononono!!!" "I'm sorry, Aika-san, but the script says--" *CLICK!* "--and that gun says something else. Oookay, someone find Ikea." ¤-¤-¤ "Uh, boss? How are we going to get them into the outfits?" "Simple, we'll just--" The High Commander started, when he was interrupted by a knock on the door. "There's someone at the door," he stated redundantly. Seeing his subordinate being occupied with the daunting task of figuring out a way to force five potentially dangerous girls (make that two potentially dangerous, one seemingly harmless, one unconscious, and one HIGHLY dangerous girl) into highly scanty outfits while surviving intact, Torquemada shrugged with a dismayed look on his face. "Very well, I'll do it..." He opened the door. "Yes, what--" "EXCORCISM!" the young man in shinto robes yelled, smacking an ofuda into High Commander Torquemada's forehead. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #NCC-1701: Ryo Full Name: Ryo the wandering priest wannabe Occupation: Shinto priest in training (All statistics are rated from one to ten... with a base of three! Obscure, Woofer-san? Two can play that game! Ow! Hey, stop that! Okay, we'll use a ten-base, then. Sheesh.) Intel: 5 Age: 16 Refl: 10 Tech: 7 Measurements: Quite hunky, but not overly muscular Body: 7 Looks: 6 Blood Type: Red Charisma: 3 Cool: 5 Favorite Food: Rice, ramen, tempura Luck: 9 Least Favorite Food: Fast food Hobbies: Excorcizing demons, figuring out who the heck that girl living with his brother really is, trying to get a better memory, looking righteous Hit Points: 34/34 Mana: 83/98 AC: 4 (2 when wearing shinto robes, -10 when wearing shinto hardsuit) Abilities: -Can excorcize demons, if he can just find any. -Knowledge of arcane stuff -Looks righteous (7 on a scale of ten, where 1 is Lumi and 10 is Ikea) -Would forget his head if it wasn't attached to his neck -Easily confused Does not have the Mirror of Time. 500 nutrition points. Secretly one of the seven Hamdingers. Tap for Scare Interior Decoration. Background: After accidentally getting lost from his younger brother and the kunoichi that kept following him (the brother) around, Ryo struck out on a path of righteousness, to rid the world of demons. He's pretty sure there's some around the area, if he can just find them... ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The High Commander went down in a heap, the ofuda firmly pressed against his forehead. "I'm melting, I'm melting! Oh, what a world..." When nothing else happened, Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] grabbed his superior by his robes and dragged him into another room, quickly returning with a bowl of chocolate pudding, which he dropped on the floor. "Just pretend this chocolate pudding is him, okay?" He then retreated as well. Cue sweatdrops. "Those worms will suffer for trying to capture one of the Snake God's children!" Sofixupia ranted. "And his sexiest one, too... I shall flay their skin and devour their souls, and I'll and feast upon--" "There you are!" Aki and Sofixupia looked up at the... not so impressive figure striding in after Ryo. Aika-Ikea looked up from his meditation (If a tree falls in the forest, and no one uses the wood to make furniture, then does it really exist?) and acknowledged the person. "Greetings, friend Yugo." Yugo blinked under his robe. "Oh hi, Aika. Didn't know you were here. Your voice sounds weird..." He held up a small bowl of liquid mercury, turned around until he faced Sofixupia, and walked over to her. And stared at her. "Finally some attention!" the demon/psycho woman chirped happily. "You possessed a *human*?! How did you do that? I thought you were the Jade Ixupi..." Sofixupia blinkblinked. "Jade?" She tried to strike a pose. "I am Sofixupia, the sexiest spirit demon to ever grace this world, and I'll devour your soul and--" "Not according to the book, you're not." "The book?" ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #3333-G: The book Also known as: The black book, the little big book of Ixupi stuff, "Ancient Mayan stone tablet translations". Contains everything you've always wanted to know about Ixupi, but were too afraid to ask. Possessing the book for more than five turns grants owner the intrinsic "Ixupi know-it-all". ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ "Oookay," Sofixupia said, "so why can't I eat souls?" Yugo opened the book and paged through it. "Well, it says here you're actually supposed to drain the victim's life essence, or 'ka', which roughly translates as 'soul', bit by bit, and then use it to fill your vessel so you can enter the world." Sofixupia frowned a bit. "But I broke the pot." She squirmed around in ways not intended by humans, and managed to produce a handful of pottery shards. "See?" Yugo looked shocked. A tiny part of Sofixupia's mind told her that she had a chance here. "Untie me, please." "...but they're supposed to be indestructible..." Yugo muttered. "Sure, I'll do that..." He offhandedly untied the woman, who quickly rose from the comfy chair ("mere COMFORT can't hold the beautiful Sofixupia down!"). "OOH-HOHOHOOHOHOHOO! Free at last! For thanks, I'll drain YOUR life essence first! OOHHOHOHOOH--AAAIIE!!" "No you won't," Yugo replied, holding a small snake-head statuette at armslength in front of Sofixupia's face. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #LAMBDA-3: Jade Talisman Made by the Moon Goddess, Copyright 2300 BC, all rights reserved. Contains 87% ceramic material, 7% jade, 4% nicotine and 2% artificial sweeteners. Indestructible. Holds power over the Jade Ixupi. If wielded actively, the talisman can be used to hold off the Jade Ixupi. If combined with the Jade vessel, it can be used to capture the Jade Ixupi. WARNING! HAS NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER ON OTHER IXUPI! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ "Damn," Sofixupia stated, backing into a corner. ¤-¤-¤ Meanwhile, a while ago (then it's not 'meanwhile', is it? Oops, sorry. I mean, 'while the previous scene unfolded', but 'meanwhile' is so much easier to write. Anyway...) While the robed weirdo stalked over to harrass Sofixupia, Aki decided to use a timetravel trick. "Hey Ryo, you're going to untie me now." Ryo snapped out of his gloating over having vanquished yet another demon, and walked over to Aki, untying her. "I'm Ryo, miss." He paused. "But you already knew that?" Aki sat up and rubbed her wrists, trying to get some blood into her hands again. "Yes, you just told me." Aika-Ikea rose from his chair, the leather straps breaking before his irresistable force. "It appears that we are moving again." He looked around in an honourable fashion. "But where is our friend Becky?" The chair was empty. ¤-¤-¤ "Ooh, another one, another one!" Kamiversal Jack quipped, rubbing His hand in glee. "Now what should we do with you..." Yuki (for it was she) sweatdropped as she stared at the madman (for He was one) in front of her. "Um, what's going on here? Where am I? I have a HUGE gap in my memory..." "EUREKA!" Jack lit up. After putting out the flames, He pointed at Yuki. "I'll send a being composed of Hulk Hogan's career, Schwartzenegger's ego, the soul of an accountant, a dozen smurfs, enough erector sets to--" "I hate to say it, Jack-san," Kasumi said from Her diminutive desk (three inches tall), "but she's needed for the Greater Plan." "MWA-HA-HA!" His Supreme (Spiky-Haired) Being laughed maniacally, as was his wont. "No fear, my dear! I'll just rearrange some Mystical Destinies to make sure we have someone to fill in for her. Hmm, maybe a crab-fighter from Hawaii..." "But wouldn't that be overly much effort?" Kasumi said in a concerned voice (you know the type). "Besides, I think Yuki would want to go back to Earth. Right?" The last bit was aimed at the schoolgirl, who started. "Uh, what? Yeah, back to Earth..." She suddenly looked shocked. "Wait, am I dead?" "Sure catches on quick, do you..." A Lumi plushie suddenly appeared over Jack's head, shredding slightly on His hair (yes, let us merrily run this joke into the ground). "Never mind that, I have a great idea!" He waved his hand, and Yuki vanished in a burst of holy fire. He leaned back in his chair. "Ah, this'll be fun... it's good to be God." He turned to his secretary. "Say, Kasumi-chan, when's lunch?" "At seven, dear. I was planning some cheese and sashimi, with some seal patties and garlic on the side." Kamiversal Jack grinned contentedly. "Mmm. My favorite this week, Kasumi-chan." Kasumi smiled back. "I know, dear." ¤-¤-¤ Villyn blinked several times, trying to penetrate the fog of alcohol around his brain. There were four... shapes in fron of him. Yes, definitely shapes. Weird shapes, but this is Villyn we're talking about here. "Got any... got any... slur... shrul... shrubsh?" "Why, no sir," the flesh-eating weasel, idly chewing on a bit of bacon, said. "You'll have to ask your local shrubber about that." "We," Mr. Frogs-For-Hands said, extending an toady hand for Villyn to shake (He didn't. You'll need to be VERY drunk for that.), "are actors! Let's give the gentleman a good show!" The quartet promptly took out Noh outfits and started performing. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #3.14: The Inhuman Ensemble After returning to the mortal plane, the four members of the Inhuman Ensemble realized that they had another shot at life, that they were united with with inhumans like themselves, that they had been brought back for a Purpose, and that they should find that Purpose. So why the heck they took up Noh theater is unknown. Despite being Noh actors, they're pretty good. Can perform at a skill level of 20+EXP*0.5% Cost to learn Kabuki theater: 1250 gold. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Meanwhile behind the bar... Yuki slowly opened her eyes. Where was she? Last she knew, she... the last she remembered clearly was a cat leaping at her. The rest... a board meeting? A big rocket? Something with a statue... and then some odd guy with weird hair. "Oh well," she said, getting to her feet, "at least I'm alive!" She turned to inspect her reflection in a convenient store window, and nearly passed out from the sight. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #999-Moebius: Yuki Reborn Full Name: Yuki of the Hive Cluster Occupation: High School student, professional assassin for His Shadow (All statistics are rated from one to two to three and all the way to ten.) Intel: 7 Age: 16 Refl: 6 Tech: 5 Measurements: I'm not getting close to her. Body: 7 Looks: 6 Blood Type: Protoblood Charisma: 9 Cool: 9 Favorite food: Protoblood, chocolate eclairs Luck: 5 Least Favorite Food: Hive residue Hobbies: Studying, assassinating life forms, watching Doki Doki Kokoro, looking for cute guys, angsting over her loss of life, searching for protoblood to prolong her existence, sleeping Hit Points: 999999999999999999999999999 and then some Mana: 12/12 AC: -3 Abilities: -Really cool wrist-mounted blades! -Can kill anything -Nihilistic -Looks ominous at all times -Pokémaniac Does not have the Lexx's control key. Tastes like week-old leftovers. Tap to access Dark Universe. Background: After Kai of the Burunji [sp!] was killed by His Shadow, he was resurrected with protoblood and brainwashed to serve as the ultimate assassin. Due to Kamiversal Jack's meddling, however, Yuki managed to get a cut on the deal. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ At that very same time, at the Betty Ford clinic... "Move," the uniformed, pinkhaired girl with the VERY familiar hairstyle said, poking Becky in the back with the business end of a Sig Sauer. Being unarmed and having her arms bound behind her back, Becky could do nothing but comply. On each side, she was flanked by another familiar-looking person. If only she had her guns... and if only the guards didn't look like friends... "So, we meet again, miss Anderson! But this time, the advantage is mine!" Becky snapped out of her reverie to realize that they had stopped. In front of her was a large table on a dais, with a high-backed chair turned from her towards the fireplace in the wall. The squeaky voice came from behind the chair. "Huh?" Becky intelligently stated. The chair spun around. "What's the matter, agent BA-3..." Dr. Pfischer intoned, petting the black cat in his lap, "...don't you recognise your old nemesis?" ¤-¤-¤ Author's note: Buy milk, butter and bread. Don't forget to call mom! Author's comments: I'm running short on time, so I'll send this in early. ...don't ask. Hopefully, this isn't a little bit too hard to follow. Hopefully, this is VERY hard to follow (Chaos! Yeah!) Sorry if I ranted too much about Ixupi, but I like them (they're EEEEEEVIL!). Ryo is stolen from the manga "Fubuki the female ninja", which I recommend reading. The stuff with Yuki was stolen from Lexx: Tales of the Dark Universe. Thanks to W4-san for the snazzy titles! Send comments, criticisms, flames, and what-have-you to a99jonst@ida.his.se! This isn't a plea. I want comments. You shall give me comments. YOU... SHALL... GIVE... ME... COMMENTS. If you don't give me comments, I'll send you the Lightning Ixupi, which will fry your computer and then steal your life essence. Really, I will. So send me some comments, okay? ^_^ ¤-¤-¤ "Going to behave yourself now?" "Well, yeah. So who's next?" "The next writer is none other than... Philip Barkow! Let's give'em a--" "AAAAAAAAAAA!" *stompstompstompstompstompcrash* "--a mad dash for the door." *sigh*