Okay, readers. It's time for a show of hands. How many of you are familiar with Berkeley's quiz-show game, "You Don't Know Jack!"? Those of you who have seen or played this game are familiar with the concept of "screwing your neighbor", in which one player forces another player to answer a disgustingly difficult question. Well, multiply that feeling by about fifty, and that's how I felt when reading the end of "Girls With Guns" episode number 31. I tell you... you write ONE chapter in Shakesperian English, and everyone mistakes you for some sort of Literary teacher... ^_^;;; */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* GIRLS WITH GAELIC: Three out of four Bjorns agree that this story is better than shaven yak dander! The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Started By: David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca This Chapter By: W4, the Mad Author (woofersan@home.com) Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://www.improfanfic.com Episode Thirty-Two: Reality As We Know It Goes POOOOOOOOOOoooooooooot! */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* On the last episode of "Dragonball Z", the audience watched as Gohan SCRATCHED HIMSELF FOR THE ENTIRE EPISODE. I don't know what's worse: how close that is to being correct, or the fact that thirty minutes of Gohan scratching himself is still more entertaining and educational than most of the shows that network prime time has to offer. But in the last episode of "Girls with Guns"... -High Commander Torquemada and Sub-Commander [Not Available at Your Clearance] successfully kidnapped Plotty. Fourthy pompously gloated in Hawaii. -Dr. Pfischer turned Becky into Blender-Becky. She was NOT pleased. -Yugo and Sofixupia went bowling. Sofixupia managed to get what would have been an impressive golf score. -And on the subject of 7-10 splits, Plotty was replaced with the story of Beowulf. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Aenniki: Oh, whaet aere we to do? The monstrous fiend, Grendel, devours the Daenes left and right, and our finest waerriors have aell faellen before this most vile of vile monsters! Betty Ford Clinic: Um... groaen and plaester, I guess... Aenniki: Aenywaeys... whaet we need is a hero aemong heroes, someone who caen free us Daenes from the tyrraeny of Grendel! We must haeve... */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "...a bite of my chicken sandwich?" High Commander Torquemada offered. Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] shook his head violently. "I don't eat meat," he spat. High Commander Torquemada shrugged. "This has mayonaise on it," he lamented. "I can't eat it." They looked at each other, a wide grin adorning both of their faces. "Maybe Plotty will eat it!" they announced in unison. High Commander Torquemada opened the bag holding Plotty just enough to fit the sandwich in the bad. Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] tied the bag up afterwards. They leapt away from the bag, readying energy bolts. They maintained their vigilant stances as they heard joyous chomping, a prolonged belch, and a satisfied sigh. "He likes it! Plotty likes it!" they giggled maniacally. "You're... feeding the plot chicken sandwiches with mayonsaise?" the blue-haired kid asked, left eyebrow raised, as he appeared before them with a loud "You!" High Commander Torquemada exclaimed. "What brings you back here?" "Simple," the blue-haired kid replied, arms crossed. "I want to join your organization." High Commander Torquemada and Sub-Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] met in a huddle and whispered for two minutes. After they broke their huddle, High Commander Torquemada threw a robe to the blue-haired kid. As the blue-haired kid was looking at the aardvark-girl on the front of his robe, High Commander Torquemada bellowed, "Welcome to the fold, Mystic Advisor Flibbity Wumpus!" */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #037384: Mystic Advisor Flibbity Wumpus Full Name: Mystic Advisor Flibbity Wumpus Occupation: Improfanfic author, Mystic Advisor to the Impro Inquisition (All statistics are rated from one to ten... in base fourteen.) Intelligence: 8 Age: 13 Reflexes: 7 Measurements: Go away Technical: 8 Blood Type: Red Body: 6 Favorite Food: Red Baron Premium Deep Dish Looks: 7 Singles Charisma: 8 Least Favorite Food: Rusty, Double-Edged Razor Cool: 7 Blades Luck: 9 Hobbies: Writing Improfanfic submissions, playing console/ computer RPGs, nailing people to the wall with sniper weapons in First Person Shooters and psuedo- religious, Python-esque persecution. Hit Points: 70/72 Mana: 5B/60 (because he ed) AC: 4 Abilities: -Mad Ninja PSX Skills -Moderatley Eccentric First Person Shooter skills -Writing of really, really weird stories -Quasi-magical powers (including Silly Teleportations) -Commander of the Plot Contrivance Postal Service May have Writer's Block. Tap for procrastination. After assisting High Commander Torquemada and Sub-Commander [Not Availabe At Your Clearance] abduct Plotty, the blue-haired teen was eagerly welcomed into the Impro Inquisition as Magical Advisor Flibbity Wumpus. (Though he will insist that those not in the Impro Inquisition call him "Zereth". Picky, picky...) */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "Woo hoo!" Magical Advisor Flibbity Wumpus cheered, as he adorned the robe and sat upon the sack holding Plotty. "As High Commander, I command you to give me your opinion as to our next move!" High Commander Torquemada ordered. Magical Advisor Flibbity Wumpus scratched his chin for a moment. Then, he snapped his fingers and announced, "Gentlemen, I have an idea! What we should do is..." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Aenniki: ...is summon the braevest waerrior in aell of the laend! Aeikae: I, Aeikae, haeve heaerd your summons, aend I obey! Aenniki: My word! Truly you aere a mighty force with which to be reckoned! Aeikae: I know, my ki... ...er, my queen. For with my weaepons aend my baettle experience, I can slaey aeny foe! Aenniki: Oh, my praeyers haeve been aenswered! But be waerned, noble Aeikae, for the monstrous Grendel caennot be haermed with maen-maede weaepons. Aeikae: Then I shaell use... */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "...a blender," Blender Becky muttered. Blender Becky continued to stare at her reflection in the PCPS van's side-view mirror. Meanwhile, Dr. Pfischer addressed his pink-haired assistant, excitedly discussing "Fairy Princess Fifi." "It's... a blender," Blender Becky repeated as she felt the appliance attached to the top of her head. Unfortunately for Blender Becky, her script was five hundred pages of the phrase, "It's a blender." Aki stopped before Blender Becky, panting from having run down several flights of stairs from the hall where Aenikk... er... she... er... where the horny, fanservicing sailor slut was being overdramatic and underclothed. "Becky!" she pleaded, grabbing Blender Becky's shoulders. "Something really weird is going on, and we have to assemble the sai..." Aki paused, staring at the appliance on Blender Becky's head. "What... what is that?" "It's a blender," Blender Becky monotoned. Aki offered Blender Becky a hug, which she willingly accepted. Who did this to you?" Aki asked. "It's a blender," Blender Becky answered. They broke the hug. "Um... I know that," Aki explained, "But who did this to you?" "It's a blender!" Blender Becky hissed. Aki thought for a moment, then loudly queried, "Hey, Sailor Rapture! Who did this to Becky!" "IT'S A BLENDER!" Blender Becky shouted, stomping her feet for emphasis. Aki held her forehead and groaned, falling to her knees. She lamented, "I knew I should have been..." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Aenniki: ...a caetaestrophe! For Grendel is aepproaeching aes we speaek! Aeikae: Feaer not, my queen! For with these baere haends, I shaell put aen end to the foul beaest! Soldier: Be... ...waere. My... baetaellion... completely destroyed by... */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "...MR. FROGS-FOR-HANDS?!? AS GRENDEL?!?" Kamiversal Jack shouted. "I think he will do a splendid job, dear," Kasumi mentioned. Kamiversal Jack paced back and forth. "Damn it!" he cursed. "I knew things would go nuts if I didn't bring Hans, Mr. Sunshine, Ms. Moonshine and Ms. Moonlight back, but this is... is..." Kasumi offered, "A 'bag of suck', dear?" "EXACTLY!" Kamiversal Jack shouted. "Right now, there are two things that are REALLY bothering me! The first thing is having that circus-sideshow- reject playing Grendel. And the other... is the 'Prophecy of the Mad Author!'" Kasumi gasped ever-so-slightly. "Oh my. Jack-sama, you don't plan to have Aika bear Nemesis Serendipity Villyn's children, do you?" Kamiversal Jack paused to think. Time seemed to stand still. "AHA! I have the solution to one of the problems!" he cheered. Kasumi politely clapped. "Very good, dear!" she said with a smile. "What do you plan to do?" "Well," Kamiversal answered, a sly, erratic grin on his face, "I'm NOT going to have Aika and Nemesis Serendipity Villyn have 14,000 children. Instead..." Kamiversal Jack pointed at Kasumi. "YOU, my dear, will be the father of 14,000 of MY children!" Kasumi turned white as a sheet. Kamiversal Jack wringed his hands togheter, giggling, "I've outdone myself this time, and I'm going to outdo you like you wouldn't believe! Just for THINKING of it, I'll be heralded as the most controversal guy... no, the most controversial GOD in all of history! THIS IS GOING TO BE SO FREAKING COOL!" Kasumi shivered, hugging herself. "....oh my..." she whispered. "Now that THAT'S decided, I can turn my attentions to this Grendel situation..." Jack pondered aloud. It was at that moment that Lina Inverse stormed towards Kamiversal Jack and Kasumi. "JACK!" she screeched, "I heard that you've been resurrecting people left and right, and I demand a piece of the action! If you..." The maniacal look that Kamiversal Jack shot to Lina was enough to make her soil her pants in fear. He advanced on her, his left eye bloodshot and larger than his right, as he wrung his hands. "Don't worry, my dear..." Kamiversal Jack cackled. "You'll go back, all right. Just follow me, and I'll..." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "...try a perm!" Yuki cheerfully announced to the hairdresser. The hairdresser, being unaccustomed to treating bee-like warrior assassins, trembled. It was at this point that he truly wished that he had taken his father's advice and become... */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Soldier 2: Aen emergency! Aen emergency! Grendel is aet the gaetes! Aenniki: HOLY FRYING PAENS! Aell is lost! Aeikae: Hae hae hae! I feaer not this Grendel! */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #5878-75246-97664: Queen Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt Full Name: Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed, Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt Occupation: The head end is the Evil Queen of the Planet Insectica. The tail end is a freelance sorcerer and bandit-killer. (All statistics are rated from one to ten... in base fourteen.) Intelligence: 10 Age: You don't ask a lady that Reflexes: -4 question, especially if said Technical: 10 lady is an evil queen with a Body: -Infinity bug-sprouting, slug-like body Looks: -Infinity as big as a city block and Charisma: -Infinity Lina Inverse for hindquarters Cool: -Infinity Measurements: See "Age:" Luck: +/-Infinity Blood Type: See "Age:" Favorite Food: Head: Her young, her enemies Tail: Dragon Cuisine Least Favorite Food: Head: The taste of defeat Tail: Slugs Hobbies: Head: Tyrannical antics Tail: Tyrannical antics ^_^;; Hit Points: 178572/178572 Mana: 178572/178572 AC: -100 Head Abilities: -Can control and command all insects around her -Can spawn insects from her body at an alarming rate -Can use her Insectican Power Staff(tm) to fire energy bolts and summon insects Tail Abilities: -Can cast high-level black magic and miscellaneous other magics -Can eat her own body weight in food and not gain one ounce -Can punt idiot swordsmen into low orbit... which doesn't count in this case since the Tail is attached to the Head's body... ^_^;;; May be, hands-down, the most disgusting character ever... AND THE SCHLOCK MEANS "EVER!"... featured in an Improfanfic characer. Tap for slimy, unwholesome badness. -The Evil Queen Slug-For-A-Butt had attempted to rule the universe using a specialized power suit. However, the power suit fell into the hands(?) of an earthworm who shot off the Queen's butt and destroyed her in honorable combat. -The Arguably-Evil Lina Inverse had attempted to eat massive quantities of food and destroy the Orochi. However, the Orochi kicked Lina Inverse's butt and destroyed her in dishonrable combat. -Kamiversal Jack grafted the two ornerly ladies together to serve as a replacement Grendel. Having completed that, he left to, in his own words, "get it on, down and dirty, with that hot Tendo chick." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "I AM REBORN!" Queen Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt hissed as her slug-like body oozed into the main hall of the Betty Ford Clinic. "Aeikae..." Aenniki whimpered. Aeikae gulped. "I... I just wet myself..." she sheepishly confessed. Meanwhile, Lina Inverse, struggling in vain to free herself from the evil Queen's hindquarters, wildly shrieked "I HATE SLUGS! GET THEM OFF OF ME! GET ME FREE! WAAAAAH!" */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "WAUGH!" In the Tendo Dojo, Soun became violently ill and began to barf in the Koi pond. "And just to think that Ranma will land there in about fifteen seconds," Nabiki mused with a chuckle. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Yugo chuckled. "You landed on Boardwalk!" he cheered. "You owe me $2000!" "Do you take souls as payment?" Sofixupia sheepisly asked. Yugo shook his head. "No way! It looks like I win! Whoo! Yeah! I'm the man!" he shouted, performing a victory dance. "Damn!" Sofixupia cursed. "There has GOT to be something I'm better at than you, you insolent mortal!" Yugo thought for a moment. "Parcheesi?" he offered. "Bring it on!" Sofixupia hissed. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "Let's get it on!" Dr. Pfischer cheered as he tried to double his talking speed for his upcoming role of "Go Pfischer". Aki sobbed. She had sent herself back into time to prevent the tragedy of becoming Princess Anniki (oh, yeah, there was that whole "Prophecy of the Mad Author" thing, but Aki had her priorities), but now things were exponentially worse. Aika had recently looked like she was undergoing some sort of sick puberty phase, Blender Becky had been turned into some sort of Pokemon reject, and reality itself seemed to turn on its ear. Between tears, she yelled, "What else could possibly go wrong?" "It's... a blender," Blender Becky noted, patting Aki on the shoulder. Unknown to both of them, the constipated wolverine watched from a corner. "Is the chick with the blender on her head your daughter, dude?" it asked. It turned around and saw Nemesis Serendipity Villyn fast asleep, lying face-up in an alleyway. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* In heaven, two figures were lying face-up in bed. The first person was someone who, by circumstances beyond mortal control, was awash in a sea of chaos. It seemed that there was always some adversary or problem threatening friends and loved ones. And just when things calmed down, fate had tossed and turned and opened the way to power not meant for mortals. But none of this could have prepared for what just happened. The poor victim just stared blankly into the sky, both physically and emotionally drained. Kasumi, however, sat up, covering herself with the bed sheets. "Oh my," she commented. "I must have exhausted him." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* WHAT WILL BECOME OF AENNIKI AND AEIKAE? WILL THEY BE ABLE TO FEND OFF THE EVIL QUEEN LINA-INVERSE-FOR-A-BUTT? WILL THEY BE ABLE TO RID THEMSELVES OF THE EXTRA "E"S IN THEIR NAMES? WHAT IS MYSTIC ADVISOR FLIBBITY WUMPUS'S PLAN FOR THE IMPRO INQUISITION? WILL AKI BE ABLE TO ASSEMBLE THE SAILORS? WILL BLENDER BECKY BE ABLE TO AD-LIB? WILL DR. PFISCHER BE ABLE TO TALK AT SPEEDS OF 100 WPM OR HIGHER? WILL YUKI OPT FOR A PERM OR PONYTAILS? WILL GAI STILL LOVE YUKI EVEN THOUGH SHE IS NOW AN UNDEAD ASSASSIN? WILL RANMA LAND IN THE DEFILED KOI POND? (Hint: Bet the farm on it...) WILL SOFIXUPIA BE ABLE TO BEAT YUGO AT PARCHEESI, OR WILL SHE HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE THAT SHE CAN DO BETTER THAN YUGO? WHAT ARE NEMESIS SERENDIPITY VILLYN AND THE CONSTIPATED WOLVERINE UP TO? AND WILL TWOFLOWER AND FRIENDS DRAIN THE FLUIDS FROM MY BODY WHILE I SLEEP FOR HAVING KAMIVERSAL JACK AND KASUMI TENDO DO THE HORIZONTAL HOKEY-POKEY? (Hint: Bet the farm on it...) If you want to know the answers to all these questions, then you are in serious need of psychiatric help. At any rate, come back in five days for "If That's Your Head, You Should Walk Backwards!" or "The Plot Sickens!", brought to you by Phillip Barkow! */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Author's Note: (a very shrill B-flat) This was nowhere near as difficult as I thought it would be. Yes, I cheated by not having everybody in "Beowulf", but hey... it'll just be more cannon fodder for Arthur Monteath-Carr to use against me in his next splendiferously glorious review. 8) Yes, the data file numbers have a significance. It's the same type of significance as the last data file numbers I generated. If you have no idea after 10 minutes of pondering, let me know and I'll explain it. A tip of the hat go to Twoflower, Kendra, and Doug TenNapel. Thanks go out to Yonjuuni- and Zereth who gave this a preliminary looksee and doubled the size of my ego. Questions? Comments? Statements? Inquiries? Things you want to know? Send email to woofersan@home.com. If you REALLY wanted to, you could probably send them to a different author, but they'd probably get confused and delete the message. But do what you feel is best. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "I win!" Yugo cheered. "Son of a bitch!" Sofixupia hissed. "Let's try Twister, mortal!" "You're on!" Yugo responded.