An anthropomorphic Kodiak bear wondered up to the third wall (his reality index was low enough that he had no trouble getting around the forth wall) and made a critical comment on what he saw beyond. "A blender? Bah, how unoriginal. I could do much better. In fact, I think I will," the bear asserted confidently. The bear took a step forward, and was stopped by the Author. "I'm not going to set a precedent for letting OW!! Avatars in to this fic. Not even an outdated version," the Author said sternly. "But there's already an Avatar in there!" the bear protested. "It's not the same thing. If someone else brings in their OW!! Avatar, then you can play. Otherwise no," the Author replied unyielding. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* GIRLS WITH GUNS Originally created by David Kelk. dkelk@sympatico.ca The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Thanks go to Katy Coope, without who's influence I probably wouldn't have included the word 'hedgehog'. This episode written by Philip Barkow Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://www.improfanfic.com Chapter 33:"The Plot Sickens" */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Last time on Kotetsu, our heroine somehow managed to not loose her towel (I consider this a good thing, seeing as she's underage) despite facing a number of supernatural threats with only her sword skills preventing her unpleasant demise. I'm not really sure what happened last time on Girls with Guns. Becky had a nervous break down after having a blender fused to her head. Aika and Annikki have been assimilated by the plot of Beowulf and have had 'e's forcibly inserted into their names. Aeikae, having encountered Queen Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt, has just wet herself. The future Aki was sobbing. Kasumi has just exhausted Controversial Jack. Yuki the Undead Assassin was having her hair done. Mystic Advisor Flibbity Wumpus was about to unveil his secret plan. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "...kidnap people from other impros, and interrogate them!" Magical Advisor Flibbity Wumpus concluded triumphantly. "Brilliant!" enthused High Commander Torquemada. "But why would we want to do that?" asked Sub Commander [not available at your clearance] "We hardly bothered to interrogate the last bunch of prisoners we took." "Don't bother with minor details like that. We have work to do!" declared High Commander Torquemada as he purposefully strode out of the room. Forgotten in his sack, Plotty snored lightly. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Between tears, Aki yelled, "What else could possibly go wrong?" Recognizing the obvious cue, Dr. Pfischer gestured to his pink haired assistant. In response to his subtle command, the buxom beauty typed a complex series of commands into the control panel on her left. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #363446 (mod 1233): The Pink Haired Assistant Full Name: Andraea Emira Davies Occupation: Assistant to Dr. Pfischer. (All statistics are rated from one to ten... in base 8.) Intelligence: 7 Age: 19 Reflexes: 7 Measurements: 36-24-35 Technical: 10 Blood Type: O- Body: 6 Favorite Food: Milk shakes Looks: 11 Least Favorite Food: The chi of Charisma: 7 female martial artists, Cool: 6 Hobbies: Designing edible lingerie. Luck: She's just happy Afro-Celtic Belly Dancing. to have a good job. Hit Points: 23/23 Mana: 11/16 AC: 4 Abilities: -Champion Switch thrower -Unfazeable-Mistress of Diner Style Kung Fu -Looks good under any conditions Not edible, but still tastes good with chocolate. Tap for a sexual harassment Lawsuit. Background: Turning down several lucrative modeling contracts, Andraea Davies attempted to make a living off of her hobby. Unfortunately, the market is currently glutted with Afro-Celtic Belly Dancers. Desperate, Andraea managed to get her uncle to get her a job as mad scientist's assistant. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* The Oversized Toaster promptly extruded metallic tentacles and pulled Aki into its depths. "Soon you shall be my greatest creation! And don't think your friends will save you. Even now, Fairy Princess Fifi is on her way to capture them!" Dr. Pfischer pronounced overconfidently. "I should have known better than to ask that question," Aki said mournfully as the Toaster Oven closed, obscuring her from view. Dr. Pfischer promptly lapsed, once again, into a bout of evil laughter. His pink haired assistant, ignoring her maniacal employer, lead the unresisting Blender Becky into a corner and sat her down. That done, she took ice cream, chocolate sauce, and a slightly overripe banana out of a nearby refrigerator. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* At a similar temporal, though not physical, location, Fourthy enjoyed the attentions of an attractive black haired masseuse. "What?" Fourthy asked, possibly invalidating his own existence as he addressed the audience. "Sentient representations of literary concepts get vacation time too." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "Okay, you win," conceded Sofixupia. "Shall we play Truth or Dare now?" "Very well, demoness, I will be ever triumphant," Yugo replied overconfidently. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "I'm going to go change," Aeikae said, frightened and embarrassed as she ran out of the Hall. "I'll help!" Aenniki shouted as she ran after Aeikae. "Fireball!" the tail of Queen-Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt (i.e. Lina Inverse) as she cast the aforementioned spell. "Ow!" cried both ends of Queen-Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt as the fireball exploded at short range. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "I'm sorry, but your hair seems to be completely invulnerable normal to normal hair cutting tools," the hair stylist said as she put down the power saw. "Isn't there anything that could work?" the undead assassin Yuki asked, desperation in her tone. "Possibly. There is one thing that could cut your hair. Some say it is only a legend though," the hair stylist pronounced in a rather odd tone as her normally perky nature began to fuse with the pronouncement of mystical importance she was about to make. "What is it?" Yuki asked impatiently. "The Heaven's Gate!" the hair stylist pronounced with ominous meaning. "The what?" "Also known as the Holy Hair Clippers of GRIT." "Oh, those. I shall not rest until I find them," declared Yuki. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Leaving the nigh unconscious, if extremely contented Controversial Jack, behind, Kasumi stood up and slipped on a robe. Stepping across the room to the refrigerator, she placed the radishes back in the crisper. Humming contentedly to herself, Kasumi began searching through the medicine cabinet to find something that would help the python deal with that nasty twitch it had developed. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Meanwhile somewhere in Southeast Asia, Sailor H stretched her arms over her head and arched her back. The position assumed by her cleavage caused Mystic Advisor Flibbity Wumpus to develop a rather nasty nosebleed. "Get her now!" High Commander Torquemada shouted authoritatively. In response, Sub Commander [not available at your clearance], jumped up, put a sack over Sailor H's torso, and quickly tied it off." I don't remember this being in the script," Sailor H, said calmly. "Last minute change of plans, if you'd just walk this way," Sub Commander [not available at your clearance] said, quickly adlibbing. "I'm not complaining," Sailor H said with a shrug that wasn't really visible under the sack. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Removing Blender-Becky's lid, Andraea placed the ingredients inside and began to make a chocolate banana milk shake. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "Ouch," Hall said as Queen Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt exchanged another round of magical blasts with herself. "You might as well give it up, ordinary magicks are going to injure you just as much as me," the Queen component of Queen Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt said derisively." In that case, I'll have to use an extraordinary magick," Lina Inverse said as she began to grin evilly. "You don't mean...," the Queen component of Queen Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt said fearfully as she contorted awkwardly in an effort to recoil in horror from her own rear end. "But you'll destroy us both!" "There are ways around it," Lina Inverse replied confidently. "Brightness beyond dawn. Turquoise beyond blood that flows." "That's not the Dragon Slave," the Queen component of Queen Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt said, sounding confused. "Servant of the Eternal City. In Serenity's name. I pledge myself to the light," Lina continued. "All the evil that threatens earth will be punished. By the power of the Senshi." "You are all my prisoners!" Fairy Princess Fifi shouted as she smashed through the wall. "Ouch," Hall said again. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #log 2^43: Fairy Princess Fifi Full Name: Alice Henrietta Cromwell Occupation: Minion to Dr. Pfischer. (All statistics are rated from one to ten.) Intelligence: 5 Age: 23 Reflexes: 7 Measurements: 39-25-36 Technical: 4 Blood Type: AB- Body: 9 Favorite Food: French fries Looks: 9 Least Favorite Food: Guacamole Charisma: 6 Hobbies: Recreating old burlesque shows Cool: 5 Selling black market pixie dust Luck: Lousy Hit Points: 43/45 Mana: 36/37 AC: 2 Abilities: -Flight (Maneuverability class A) -Survivor -Sleep Gaze -Not a mortal Tap for a cheesy replay of "I can fly". Has extremely fragile clothing. Convenient source of milkshakes. Vulnerable to cold iron. Background: Like many of the sidhe, Alice has found herself having difficulty surviving as the Winter approaches. She took a job with Dr. Pfischer to maintain her supplies of Glamour. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "MALLET SLAVE!" Lina Inverse shouted, completing the spell. Fairy Princess Fifi had just enough time to sigh despondently before the spell went off. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Author's Note: None. I'm tone deaf. Author's Haiku: Confusion abounds Still I seek serenity There is peace in joy Author's closing comments: Strange and twisted. How could it be anything but entertaining. Why don't more people sign up for this thing? The Mallet Slave was originally used in Zeon Genesis Bogosity, as written by Mark Latus. Used with permission. The Heavens Gate was stolen from GRIT. Used without permission, since, for some reason, the population of GRIT did not show up at my the anime club meeting I attended this afternoon. Unless you count Epsilon, of course. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "...the hedgehog, which happened to be painted green," Yugo concluded, having chosen Truth. "Gosh," Sofixupia said, currently hanging upside down, having taken a Dare.