GIRLS WITH GUNS The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Originally created by David Kelk. dkelk@sympatico.ca This episode by Mervyn the Wonder Slug *************************** Last time on All My Children: people with silly names plotted against one another. Last time on Girls with Guns: -Mystical Advisor Flibbity Wumpus suggested continued interrogation tactics, leaving Plotty to a nice nap in a sack [pun successfully avoided]. -Fragile Fourthy got a massage -Aeikae ran to change clothes, and Aenniki followed, volunteering assistance -Yuki learned of the Holy Hair Clippers of GRIT -Kasumi revealed sides of herself we never wanted to see -Aki was drawn into the Oversized Toaster -Blender Becky was used as a smoothie processing device -Evil Queen Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt got in a fight with herself -Fairy Princess Fifi got Mallet Slave'd And so, bravely onward to . . . CHAPTER 34: THE ANGLO-SAXON MENACE Splat. "Splat" is the sound of many things, but in this case it was the sound of a Fairy Princess being struck with a 20-ton mallet. It was not a pretty sound. "Eeeew," said Lina. Queen Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt put her hands on what approximated her hips. "What was that supposed to do?" she demanded. "Ah, not that. . ." "Hmph. I have work to do," said the Queen, slithering toward the door where Aeikae and Aenniki had fled. "Bwa ha ha," she added, as an afterthought. "Hey!" cried Lina, as her head bumped along the floor. "Watch it!" *************************** "I caen chaenge myself, thaenk you," said Aeikae, fending off Aenniki's attempts to, um, help. It was crowded enough as it was in the bathroom. "Fine. Whaet do we do now? Aend how do we get rid of these E's?" There was a gentle cough from behind them. "Ladies?" said a soft, melodious voice. "Perhaps I can be of assistance?" Aeikae screamed, covering strategic portions of her body at the same time. "Who the hell aere you?" she demanded of the man perched on the counter. "Aend what aere you doing in the women's baethroom?" "Hiyae, haendsome," said Aenniki, as her Magical Princess Libido kicked in. "My name is Thurston Yeardly, and I believe I may be able to help you." There came a hammering without. "Just ae second!" Aeikae called. Outside, Queen Lina-Inverse-For-A-But crossed her arms impatiently. "How? Aend how come you caen taelk normaelly?" asked Aenniki, sitting on his lap. "Allow me to explain," he said, changing into an elderly woman in a spotted dress. ========================================================================================= MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #Lit-101: Thurston Yeardly Full Name: Edward Thurston Cromholt Penelope Wembley Xavier Hubert Maria Yeardly Occupation: Personified amalgam of all literature teachers everywhere. (All statistics are rated from one to ten, in base 10 of all things. . .) Intelligence: 10 Age: 23-87 inclusive Reflexes: 10 Measurements: highly variable Technical: 5 Blood Type: ABO± Body: 6 Favorite Food: Peaches Looks: 0-10 variable Least Favorite Food: Lutefisk, Goat cheese, Charisma: 0-10 variable Grapes of Wrath Cool: 0-10 variable Hobbies: Primal screams, literary analysis, Luck: Moderate tropical fish Hit Points: 324/397 Mana: 6136/7154 AC: 0 Abilities: -Skilled at mêlée combat with pointers and yardsticks -Form changes randomly, but can be controled with concentration -Lethal aim with chalk -Plot direction and minor manipulation -Godlike knowledge of the entire corpus of classical literature from the Epic of Gilgamesh to modern times -Level 37 Deus ex Machina -Extremely vulnerable to daytime television May have one of the 4 Decoder Rings. Inedible, even if you really, really need an A to pass, and shame on you for trying. Tap for a stern look. Background: Created in a freak accident involving a literary conferance, the Library of Congress, a thunderstorm, and a pint of fudge ripple ice cream, Thurston patrols time and space in search of violated plotlines to defend and repair. ========================================================================================= "Wow," said Aeikae. "Yes," said Thurston, turning into a middle-aged man. "I'll switch you to the modern language edition." Aika and Anniki sighed as things became slightly more normal. That is, until Queen Lina- Inverse-For-A-Butt got tired of waiting and blew the door in. "Rrrrrr," she said. "HELP!" offered Lina. "What do we do?" asked Anniki, clinging to Thurston. "And would you mind changing back into a cute guy?" Ignoring this, Thurston shoved Aika towards Queen Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt. "Rip her arm off," he said. "WHAT?!" Aika screamed, as the Queen hoisted her in the air and flailed her around. "You're Beowulf and she's Grendel, right? Just rip off her arm! The plot'll take care of the rest." Aika tugged gently at the Queen's arm, which promptly detatched. "Oh, crikey," said Queen Lina-Inverse-For-A-Butt, and fell over dead. "That was it?" asked Anniki, as the Queen's body disintigrated in typical end-boss fasion. Now free, albeit somewhat disgusting, Lina tackled Aika. "THANK YOU!" she said. "THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!" "We did it!" Anniki enthused, as Aika struggled to breathe in the grip of a Death Hug. "We're free of the plot of Beowulf!" "Actually," said Thurston, "this is the part where Grendel's mother comes looking for revenge. Oh, look at the time, I have to do horrible things to those ninnies who put a witch and an Indian raid in The Scarlet Letter. Later!" Thurston vanished. "Grendel's . . . mother?" said Anniki. Back out in the Betty Ford Hall of Heorot, Fairy Princess chunks began skittering over the floor, like that scene in Terminator 2, only much more distgusting. "Who killed my. . . um . . . son?" grated Fairy Princess Fifi, eyes glowing red. *************************** "P-E-D-A-L," said Sofixupia, arranging her tiles. "Ooh!" said Yugo. "With that I can spell 'sesquipedalian.' On a triple-score box, too!" "Crap." *************************** Kasumi held a glass of lemonade up to Jack's mouth. He sipped weakly. "Dear?" she said. "Hhhh," Jack wheezed. In fact he was saying "There's still an ice cube in here somewhere, could you please take it out?" but Kasumi understandably mistook this for "Yes?" "I just thought of something. Wouldn't it work better if YOU fathered MY children?" Jack smacked himself weakly. It was, however, hard enough to drive a spike of his hair into the mattress of the water bed. "Oh my," said Kasumi, and went to get a towel. *************************** "This is getting us nowhere," Sub Commander [Not Available At Your Clearance] moaned. They'd already interrogated Matsuro, Yarslov, Lumi, Aeris, Saikyo, Henchi, Sephiroth, Scotch, Fifi (the other one--no, the *other* other one--no the OTHER *other* other one), Tifa (three times), and Sailor H (seven times). It had not been especially productive, although the look on Sephiroth's face when they threatened to use the feather duster had been mildly amusing. "Maybe we should try Sailor H again," he added. "Silence!" cried High Commander Torquemada. "Mystic Advisor Flibbity Wumpus, remove the gag from our next victim!" Mystic Advisor Flibbity Wumpus removed the gag from Ayame's mouth. "Now," he said, "tell us everything you know!" The world has never known a worse choice of words. *************************** Outside the lab of the quite mad Dr. Pfischer, the constipated wolverine began chewing on Villyn's foot. This was sufficient to awaken him from his drunken stupor, and he staggered upright just in time to see his beloved Aki sucked into the Oversized Toaster. "NOOOOOO!" he cried, lunging through the window. Admittedly, the door would have been a better choice. Villyn quickly realized this as he fell over the sill and scratched his armor on a jagged pane fragment. But he rallied valiently, posing as dramatically as one can whilst highly inebriated and wearing a heavy suit. "Woe unto he who would harm the daughter of Meneshi. . . Nemishish Sheren. . . dipidity Villyn!" "Who?" asked Dr. Pfischer, puzzled. "Me!" said Villyn, clapping himself on the chest. The Toaster opened, revealing a shape horribly altered beyond all recognition. Aki stumbled forward, feeling her head. "It's . . . a food dehydrator," she said. "It's a blender," Becky offered sympathetically, already having reached page 482 of her script. "Milk shake?" Andraea offered. ========================================================================================= MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #62-BR: Food Dehydrator Aki Occupation: Aki, with a food dehydrator attatched to her head. (All statistics are rated from one to ten, in base 10 of all things. . .) Hit points: 19/19 Mana: 53/53 AC: -3 Abilities: -Magical Girl -Arcane legalese -Complain -Posing -Brackets of Power -Dry foods -Irresistible to Ron Popeil Wants a normal life. Fashionable. Bad luck. Batteries not included. Inedible, although an excellent source of jerky and dried fruits. Tap for a swift kick in the head. Background: Aki Villyn with a food dehydrator fused to her head. Otherwise identical, but nearly 4.23 x 10^37 times more annoyed. ========================================================================================= Dr. Pfischer launched into Evil Laugh #15-Q, but was interrupted by Villyn's hand around his throat. "What have you done?" he wailed. "My daughter must live out her life as a cheap product of the type seen on infomercials!" The shock having overwhelmed his already pickled brain, he collapsed. "THIS is your ultimate appliance creation?" Aki demanded, ignoring her father. "A FOOD DEHYDRATOR? What kind of lame scheme is that?" "It's a good plan," Dr. Pfischer protested. "No it's not," Food Dehydrator Aki countered. "It's a [stupid] plan. A [stupid], [stupid] plan. What's the [point]?" "It's a blender!" agreed Blender Becky. Dr. Pfischer's lower lip began to quiver. "I . . . I'm sorry," he said, sniffling. "It's just that I haven't been the same since the Emperor fired me, I don't know what's come over me. It was the best I could come up with, honest." Food Dehydrator Aki tapped her foot impatiently. "I'm so sorry!" bawled Dr. Pfischer. "I'll do better next time, I promise!" "I should certainly hope so. Now change us back." "But--" "[NOW]!" "Yes ma'am." The Oversized Toaster was thrown into reverse. Aki and Becky emerged appliance-free and much happier. "Come on, Becky," Aki said. "I think my father needs a trip to the detox center." "It's a blender." Aki sighed. "How many pages of that script do you have left?" she asked. "It's a blender." Aki rolled her eyes, and the two of them managed to lug Villyn out the door. "I'm sorry!" Dr. Pfischer called after them. Then Andraea showed him the schematic drawings she'd made of Villyn's armor. Dr. Pfischer's eyes lit up. Outside, the constipated wolverine said, "Oh, don't bother thanking me, *nooooo*, just go right ahead." *************************** "Gin!" Yugo merrily proclaimed. "Shoot," Sofixupia hissed, throwing down her cards. *************************** Yuki posed dramatically against a mountain backdrop. Raising an arm above her head, she swore: "I shall not rest until I have found the Holy Hair Clippers of GRIT, for I am Yuki, undead vaguely insectoid assassin schoolgirl, and I shall never cease in my quest for an acceptible hairstyle!" An elderly hermit shuffled out of his cave and tossed a rock at her. "Keep it down!" he said. "There's some of us trying to achieve transcendence here, you know." "Oh wise and mighty hermit," Yuki declaimed, now in full Questing Mode, "I have come to seek the Holy Hair Clippers of GRIT. I submit to thy infinite wisdom." The hermit regarded her shrewdly. "What. . . is your name?" he asked, despite having heard her announce it to the world just seconds before. "Yuki." "What. . . is your quest?" asked the hermit, despite knowing that, too. "To seek the Holy Hair Clippers of GRIT." "What. . . is the square root of 48.59248?" "6.970830654." "Good. Then go away and tell it to that bugger three mountains over. This here's the mountain of the Holy Nail File of GRANULE." ". . . Oh," said Yuki. *************************** "What nice men," Ayame mused to herself, as she struggled free of her bonds. "I wonder why they all ran away screaming?" She wandered around a bit and discovered, in the next room, a lightly snoring sack. Ignoring the well-known bromide about curiosity and cats, she opened it and peered inside. "Why, it's the plot," she said, informed by her amazing expositional powers. "That must be why things are so odd around here." So naïve, really. Ayame gently shook the sleeping plot. "Hmmm?" said Plotty, dreamily. "What?" "You're free," Ayame said gently, removing the sack. "The funny men in robes are gone." "Yay!" said Plotty, doing a little dance. This is especially impressive for a metaphysical construct with no real corporeal existance. A slow laugh boomed through the air. It was huge, wide, deep, and ancient. "Hae hae hae," it said. "Not so Faest. I aem in Chaerge now, Little Plotling. If You Wish to Regaein Control of this Improfaenfic, You must first Defeaet Me." "Who are you?" said Ayame. "I aem the Plot of Beowulf. I now Reign here. . . Aeyaeyme." Ayame put her fists on her hips. "Haven't we beaten this 'E' thing into the ground?" "Sorry," said the plot of Beowulf, as Fourthy flinched somewhere in Hawaii. ========================================================================================= MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #800-æ-ðøþ: The Plot of Beowulf Nickname: Wulfy Occupation: The plot of Beowulf. (All statistics are rated from one to ten, in base 10 of all things. . .) Intelligence: 10 Age: c.1300 Reflexes: 10 Measurements: n/a Technical: n/a Blood Type: ink Body: n/a Favorite Food: Asgard Crispies Looks: n/a Least Favorite Food: Chocolate-covered ants Charisma: 3 Hobbies: Monster slaying, alliteration, Cool: 7 fun with proto-Wagnerian archetypes Luck: Moderate Hit Points: n/a Mana: 242848/242848 AC: n/a Abilities: -Can go on for nearly 3200 lines -Can alliterate like nobody's business -Can control a number of horrendous beasts Has the sword Hrunting, but who cares? Edible, but largely indigestible. Tap to make highschool students quiver with fear. Tap also for obscure FF Tactics allusion source named Wiglaf. Background: Reaching written form in the 8th century A.D., Wulfy was all the rage amongst monks and bardic types; however, he has had little to occupy his time since then, and has been reduced to taking over Chibi-Impros. ========================================================================================= *************************** "Honestly," said Kamiversal Jack, who was now able to walk short distances unassisted. "You just can't find good help these days." "Sorry," said Queen Slug-For-A-Butt. *************************** "How about badminton?" "Wait," said Sofixupia. "Why are we doing this again?" ". . . I don't remember," Yugo confessed sheepishly. There was an awkward pause. "Wanna go for a burger?" he asked, finally. "Hmm. . . could I devour your soul instead?" "No." "Oh. Well, I guess so, then." _______________________________________________________ Author's Notes: Oh, what the hell. . . [Italian sixth in the key of C-sharp major] Thanks go to Diana Cason for inflicting Beowulf on her AP Lit classes, and Benet's Reader's Encyclopedia for providing actual factual information. Who knew it would ever be useful? As fun as the Sofi/Yugo running gag was, they've been doing nothing else for what, three chapters now? If you *really* liked it that much, feel free to engage them in a life or death struggle over who gets the toy in the Happy Meal, or something. "Proto-Wagnerian archetype" is fun to say. Try it with your friends! http://www.students.rhodes.edu/~knoke/indie/indie.html -Read, Enjoy, Sign Up.