Last time on Girls With Guns: A joke I started in Chapter 22 got continued as a running gag! Wai! Not only that, this happened: A slow laugh boomed through the air. It was huge, wide, deep, and ancient. "Hae hae hae," it said. "Not so Faest. I aem in Chaerge now, Little Plotling. If You Wish to Regaein Control of this Improfaenfic, You must first Defeaet Me." "Who are you?" said Ayame. "I aem the Plot of Beowulf. I now Reign here. . . Aeyaeyme." Ayame put her fists on her hips. "Haven't we beaten this 'E' thing into the ground?" "Sorry," said the plot of Beowulf, as Fourthy flinched somewhere in Hawaii. ===== GIRLS WITH GUNS, or how I took out my frustration at the way the subject of mathematics is viewed in our society today The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Started By: David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca This Chapter By: John Evans, jevans@datablast.net Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://www.improfanfic.com/ Episode Thirty-five: Revenge of the Math Major ===== The Plot of Beowulf swirled, dark and mysterious. "Hae, hae, hae! You caen not chaellenge me! You baerely raenk aes ae bedtime taele!" Plotty drew itself up to its full telling. "This is my realm! I hold the ultimate power here!" "Hae hae hae! Then do your worst!" "All right..." Plotty looked around. "Uh...well..." "...What's the matter?" Ayame asked. "You're the plot! You can do anything!" "...yeah, but...what should I do?" Plotty rubbed the back of its head nervously. Ayame took a breath. "You have to strengthen yourself, by enhancing the aspects of the story which favor you, and weaken it, by decreasing the aspects of the story which favor it. Now, the true strengths of the Girls With Guns plotline are that it takes characters from everywhere and puts them into amusing situations, as well as changing them in various ways, and also that it causes absurd things to happen and makes references to situations outside itself, and thus the obvious tactic is to have anything and everything happen which is chaotic, while paradoxically building upon what happened--Hey! Are you listening to me?" Plotty snapped awake. "Uh? What?" Ayame rolled her eyes. "Just call some of the characters here." "...oh. Right!" Suddenly a door burst open and Aki and Becky dragged Villyn into the room, then stopped and looked around in surprise. "Hey Aki! Hey Becky!" Ayame waved. "...uh...hey Ayame," Becky replied. "What's going on?" Ayame took a breath. Becky quickly said, "Uh, a quick summary if at all possible?" Ayame exhaled in irritation. "Okay, fine. Becky, Aki, this is the Plot. Plot, this is Aki and Becky." "Yes, I know," Plotty said. "Please, call me Plotty." Aki stared. "The plot? What the heck are you talking about?" "That's the plot?" Becky muttered. "It's so full of holes, I can see right through it..." "Yes! And we have to help it defeat the Plot of Beowulf, or we'll be condemned to Old English forever!" Ayame gestured dramatically (which was a nice substitute for exposition in a pinch). "...yeah," Aki said. "So...how do we do that?" "You caennot!" Wulfy swirled and laughed some more. "...More to the point, where are we right now?" Becky asked, looking around at the weird whirling colors. "We're in a plot hole," Ayame said. "We'll stay here until it's repaired and we know where we are again." "Gee, it sounds like the only thing that can help us now is divine intervention," Aki muttered. Ayame brightened and looked at Plotty. Plotty grinned at her and they exchanged a high five. "...Uh...?" Becky sort of asked. "What a great *coincidence* you had such a *good* idea," Ayame said, winking at the Plot. "Right!" Plotty agreed. "So let's have a SCENE CHANGE!" ===== "Kasumi!" Kasumi walked into the bedroom. "Yes, dear?" Jack grinned maniacally from the bed. "I've just figured it out! How to fulfill the Prophecy of the Mad Author!" he ranted weakly. "Oh, but you need to rest," Kasumi said, sitting beside him and gently stroking his spiky hair. "Just wait a while, and you'll be up and able to mess with the world again..." "But that's the point!" Jack's eyes were positively glowing with glee. "I don't have to, because I *already have*!" Kasumi blinked. "It's simple," Jack wheezed, raising himself onto one elbow. "Even if we are divine and live forever and everything, I don't want to wait to have 14,000 kids to fulfill one damn prophecy!" He took a moment to leer. "Maybe after a while we'll rack up that many, but I want to get this damn thing settled NOW!" "You're so impatient, dear," Kasumi said fondly. "So what's the solution?" "IT'S--" Jack dissolved into coughing for a moment and sank back onto the bed. "...it's quite simple," he said. "We don't have to have them all... *personally*!" Kasumi's eyes started to widen, and Jack grinned his ControversialGrin(tm). "If we have just one...and send it to the earth...and it has lots and lots of descendants...we can have 14,000 children in no time!" "I see," Kasumi said. "...But that's not all, is it?" "No!" Jack's eyes gleamed even more. "You see...if we *send our child back in time*...four centuries ago will be roughly thirteen generations, with an average of about 2.08416897 children each time..." He had produced a green and mauve calculator from somewhere and was tapping buttons madly (how else?). "...then...*right now on Earth* we have 14,000 children!" "Oh my," Kasumi said. "That's quite something. ...So as soon as we have one child, we can do that?" "Not even that!" At this point Jack was grinning so maniacally his hair started to smolder. "We don't even have to have had one yet! Time can fit together in such a way that as long as it will happen SOMEDAY, it will have ALREADY HAPPENED! Kasumi, WE HAVE 14,000 CHILDREN RIGHT NOW!!!" "Oh, how nice," Kasumi said. ===== "...What the hell did all *that* mean?" Becky asked, frowning up at the scene. Plotty swelled, and grew until it was positively sagacious (that is, like a saga). "It means my Prophecy is fulfilled, and I rule here now!" Wulfy raged and struck back with howling, icy rain and rampaging swords named Hrunting. "No waey! I caennot give up! I WILL not give up!" "So be it," Plotty intoned. The girls backed away nervously. "Then, face the might of one of my heirs..." Suddenly Aki doubled over and began coughing. "Aki! What is it?" Becky cried. Aki fell to her knees, then looked up...and her eyes glowed chartreuse. Ayame and Becky took an involuntary step back. Aki stood...and strange neon green and orange energy began to play around her. She clenched her fists and growled, coughed, cackled, as her eyes glowed orange and her hair began to stand up, in fits and starts. "...Whaet? Whaet is this?" Wulfy rumbled. "This is the power I can bring to bear," Plotty snapped. "This story is my absolute domain, and these characters are MINE to play with!" Becky looked askance at that, but Ayame continued to stare at Aki, whose hair was starting to wave and flash green of its own accord. "I...I'm not so sure this is good," Ayame said, foregoing her usual verbosity. She turned her face as the light grew too bright to bear...then, after a moment, looked back. Aki floated a foot above the floor. Her eyes shone orange, casting a glow over the chaotic interior of the plot hole. Her hair stood up straight, sharp and spiky, and gleamed neon green. Mauve energy played over her entire form. She was smiling. ============================================================================== MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #62-C: Riot of the Controvery Aki Full Name: Aki Serendipita Fortuna Controversia Kasumikamisama Ahirusan Villyn Occupation: Controversy. All statistics up to and including Cool are rated from one to ten. All statistics are in base 2. Intelligence: 1001 Age: Never nailed down. Reflexes: 1000 Measurements: "I'm not going to be Technical: 0100 categorized!" Body: 1001 Blood Type: C (ontroversial) Looks: 1010 Favorite Food: Cucumbers Charisma: 1000 or 0010 Least Favorite Food: Rice (it's so boring) Cool: 0111 or 0001 Hobbies: Sex, violence Luck: Good or bad, it's never ordinary Hit Points: 00010111/00010111 Mana: 01000101/01101001 AC: -0100 Abilities: -Controversial -Sexual -Violent -Descendant of Divine Chaos -Charisma and Cool vary depending on whether watchers enjoy controversy Possibly edible. I'm sure she wouldn't mind your asking. Tap for Goku impersonation or parody of earlier Aki data files...or both! Background: As one of the 14,000 (or is that 0011011010110000?) children of Jack and Kasumi, the blood of Controversy runs through the veins of Aki Villyn. Now that she has entered the Riot of the Controversy, her divine powers have awakened... ============================================================================== "Hi everybody!" Aki said, bouncing. "...uh...hi, Aki?" Becky replied. Aki stopped bouncing and peered at the Plot of Beowulf with a gleam in her eye. "Oh, what a bad Plot you've been," she said. "Trying to come in here and make us do all that boring Gaelic stuff. Naughty, naughty!" "Silence, girl!" Wulfy howled. "I shaell rend--" "You shan't rend anything." Aki turned to Ayame. "Ayame-chan, think fast--how do we defeat it?" "Well," Ayame said, "First we can undo everything it tries to--" "Good!" Aki said, and clapped her hands. Then she knelt in a position of reverence. "Plotty, darling, back me up on this." She closed her eyes and waved her hands over a huge malformed corpse. "O Controversial One, father, savior and entertainer of us all, bearer of the Hair and the Duck, om mani no spam mi..." She launched headlong into a rather strange-sounding chant. "...What the hell is going on?" Becky asked of the world in general. Ayame took a breath. "No, don't answer that," Becky blurted. Ayame's lower lip trembled. ===== "For Our sake," Jack snapped, "they just came into existence and ALREADY one is asking for help!" "But they've always existed, dear," Kasumi said. "Isn't that how you explained it?" "Yes, yes, but *still*." Jack waved his hand irritably. "If you don't feel up to it," Kasumi said, "I can go take care of things for you. After all, she's *my* child too." Jack sighed and lay back on the bed. "Yes, would you, dear? ...Just be sure and make it Controversial." Kasumi smiled. "Oh, don't worry...I've learned quite a bit from you." ===== Becky winced and sat down. "These scene changes are making me nauseous." She frowned over at Aki. "And that...*thing* isn't helping. ...Where'd it come from, anyway? Was it here all the time and I just didn't notice?" Ayame took a breath. "--donna aes REQUIEM!" Aki shouted. "Live, damn you, LIVE!" And slowly...shakily...Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed Something-or-Other-For-a-Butt got to her...legs? No, not really...anyway, she/it was vertical, and looked ready to hit the fan. "...I...am alive!..." the Queen croaked. "...er...huh? Thaet's not in the story..." Pages flipping could be heard somewhere in the mass of Wulfy. "Ah, but you see," Plotty said, "Our God is a CONTROVERSIAL God, and he LIKES bringing monsters back!" "But...but the aerm...aend the mother..." Another door burst open and Fairy Princess Fifi appeared. "And now," she proclaimed, "in the name of, uh," she pulled out a card and looked at it, "Dr. Pfischer, I shall punish you!" "For free?" Aki asked. "Cool!" "But...but..." Wulfy howled and frozen rain sort of froze everyone for a moment. "...Son!" Fifi cried. "Mom!" the Queen cried back. They embraced tenderly. Sort of. "...Ew!" Fifi sort of shivered. "...Who, or what, the hell ARE you?" "Away from me, human!" The Queen grabbed Fifi and started swinging her around. "Wow, neat," Aki said, idly ducking. "So what's left, Wulfy? Nothing you can do is affecting us." "...No!" Wulfy howled. "I will never aedmit defeaet!" Aki sighed. "Then I guess there's only one thing left to do..." "What's that?" Becky asked. Ayame took a breath. Becky grabbed Ayame from behind and covered her mouth. "Aki?" "It's time to call..." Aki's eyes gleamed...controversially. "...GODEL!!!" With a flash, a thin, translucent guy outlined in blue fire was standing amongst them. ============================================================================== MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #GEB-G: Ghost of Godel Full Name: Kurt Godel, with an umlaut over the "o" Occupation: Deceased Mathematician All statistics up to and including Cool are rated from one to ten. All statistics are in base (1+sqrt(5))/2 (approximately 1.618033989). Intelligence: 10101.0101 Age: Born 1906, died 1978. Reflexes: 1000.1001 Measurements: See "Body" Technical: 1010.0001 Blood type: Spirit Body: Not applicable Favorite Food: "You're trying to Looks: 101.01 poison me, aren't you?" Charisma: 100.01 Least Favorite Food: Poison Cool: 10.01 Hobbies: Logic, paranoia Luck: Well, he's *dead*... Hit Points: See "Body" Mana: 10000.0001/10100.0101 AC: See "Body" Abilities: -Insanely intelligent -Intelligently insane -Logician -Mathematician -Austrian Inedible. Tap to turn mathematics on its ear. Background: After proving that some basic assumptions about logic were wrong, Kurt Godel went on to hold a chair at the Princeton Institute for Advanced Study, and then starved to death because he was afraid of being poisoned. ============================================================================== Becky put her hands over her ears. "Okay, just let me know when the world makes sense again." "...Who the heck is *thaet*?" Wulfy asked. "I dunno," Aki said. "Do you have something to say, sir?" Godel cleared his throat. "Ahem. Uh...well, there was this woman who said I should come and give you some advice." He pushed his glasses up on his nose and frowned. "It seems to me that, since the Plot of Beowulf is here and speaking with us...it's not a separate plot anymore. It's a character in this story." He nodded. "Therefore, the only threat is poses is that which our plot decides." He waved. "Well, I hope that helps." And then Godel vanished in a puff of logic. "...hm. Well, I guess he was neat," Aki said. "So, I guess that's that. Plotty?" "...oh, yes?" Plotty said. "Get your act together." She tapped her foot impatiently. "...Oh! Right." With almost a blush on its metaphysical cheeks, Plotty twisted-- "I'm glad that's over," Aki said. Becky looked around in confusion. "What just happened?" Ayame took a breath. ...Then, she blinked. "I don't...exactly know," she said. "It seems as though we defeated a great...evil. I guess. But I don't quite know how." "...Yeah, that's what it seems like to me, too," Becky said. "It seems," Ayame continued, getting up to speed, "that we went through a massive ordeal and trial, but passed through well, and although we have no memory of such an event, we can rest assured that justice was served, morality upheld, the innocent protected, the public trust served, the--" "Yay!" Becky cheered preemptively. "Hooray for us. ...Um. But now what?" "Damn, I'm hungry." The Queen started to turn and waddle away...bringing her back end into view. "...BECKY-CHAN!!!" Becky screamed and ran off, a surprised Queen being dragged off after her. "Well, that was interesting," Aki said. "Yes," Ayame said. She sighed. Aki turned to her. "What's wrong, Ayame-chan?" Aki asked. "Well..." Ayame shuffled her feet. "It's just...no one ever wants to listen to me." Aki looked off into the distance. "Oh, I have an idea. I've been wondering about something, and maybe you could give me your opinion." Ayame looked up...and brightened. "...you mean it?" "Sure!" Aki nodded, her hair vibrating slightly. "But I have to warn you, it's a bit Controversial." "Fine, fine!" Ayame said eagerly. "What's your question? I'll give you the full benefit of my experience and knowledge!" "Great! Okay...my question's like this..." Aki looked to the right and left, then leaned in conspiratorially. "...If you have sex with an alternate version of yourself...does that count as masturbating?" Ayame took a breath. ===== To be continued... ===== Author's note: Quarter (also known as "fourth", nudge nudge, wink wink) Anything I say here will probably just dig me in deeper. So I'll confine myself to giving versions of the character profiles in base ten, in case all you liberal arts majors don't feel like doing the math. Intelligence: 9 Age: Never nailed down. Reflexes: 8 Measurements: "I'm not going to be Technical: 4 categorized!" Body: 9 Blood Type: C (ontroversial) Looks: 10 Favorite Food: Cucumbers Charisma: 8 or 2 Least Favorite Food: Rice (it's so boring) Cool: 7 or 1 Hobbies: Sex, violence Luck: Good or bad, it's never ordinary Hit Points: 23/23 Mana: 69/105 AC: -4 Intelligence: 11 Age: Born 1906, died 1978. Reflexes: 5 Measurements: See "Body" Technical: 6 Blood type: Spirit Body: Not applicable Favorite Food: "You're trying to Looks: 4 poison me, aren't you?" Charisma: 3 Least Favorite Food: Poison Cool: 2 Hobbies: Logic, paranoia Luck: Well, he's *dead*... Hit Points: See "Body" Mana: 7/10 AC: See "Body" Yes, it really *is* in a number system based on the Golden Ratio, (1+sqrt(5)/2. And the stuff about Godel is real, too. Thank you. John Evans, jevans@datablast.net 11/15/99 Beware the Radish