Dear Improfanfic, ONE THE LAST EPISODE OF GIRLS WITH GUNS: Who cares, anyway? This thing has absolutely nothing resembling a consistant plotline. "HEY!" Shouted Plotty. "I heard that!" Oh, be quiet. *** "We need someone to interrogate." "Yeah." High Commander Torquemada and Sub-Commander (Not available at your clearance) sat, alone, in a half-empty McDonalds. They muttered into thier lukewarm orange soda and stale hamburgers. Thier muttering ceased when four cloaked figures, each more fearsome than the other, stepped into the small fast-food restaurant and placed orders in voices that rang of death and suffering. Sub-Commander (Not available at your clearance) gestured inquisitively at the four evil-looking figures. High Commander Torquemada snickered, shook his head, and went back to his fries. A fifth person, not cloaked and not especially fearsome, giggled to himself from his booth in the corner. This would prove...interesting. *** ****************************************************************** Girls with Guns The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://www.improfanfic.com Originally Spawned from the Mind of David Kelk Chapter 38: More New Plot Threads Written by the one who isn't really called Tabris Edited by Anne Lysias Spellchecked by Schmitt Bob Warning: May contain nudity, graphic violence, sexual situations, adult language, mature themes, and imagery that may be disturbing to some viewers. Or maybe not. You never know, do you? ****************************************************************** Since the dawn of time, mankind has been plagued by a certain scourge. Not war, not pestilance, not famine, not death, though those are scourges nonetheless. However, when the all-knowing conjured up the images of the four horsemen, they forgot one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #1201: Boredom (All statistics are rated using no particular system.) Intelligence: Average. Age: Infinitely old. Reflexes: Really good. Technical: Supernatural? Measurements: It's a Body: Tall, evil, boring. metaphysical entity, moron. Looks: See 'body' Blood Type: Grey mist. Charisma: None. Favourite Food: Tortured souls. Cool: Horrible. Luck: Usually rather good. Least Favourite Food: Happy souls. Hobbies: Making people lose interest. Hit points: 9999/9999 Mana: 999/999 AC: 0 Abilities: -Horseman of the Apocalypse. -Can look extremely dull if necissary. -Can look even more imposing if necissary. Edible, but will probably just rot you from the inside out. Dislikes primary colors. Rides a Pale Horse. Tap for soul-rending horror. Tap twice for 'tap-tap' noise. Background: Boredom, while still a scourge, was never considered much of a threat. This it took rather personally, and forced the fool who came up with that idea to live out the rest of his days in a monastary where the only things he was allowed to do was eat, pray, and sometimes sleep. Though vengeance was exacted, Boredom was not content. So Boredom took up a physical form, fetched itself a Pale Horse to ride upon, and sought out his brethren. Without much luck. However, he eventually tracked them to a remote spot known to mortals as 'Tokyo'. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *** "Oh, Yugo..." Purred Sofixupia, in a seductive kind of fashion. Yugo looked up. "Uh...what?" Sofixupia latched onto the wary young man, and began drawing little circles on his chest, while she whispered into his ear. "It's chapter 38, Yugo..." "Uh...gee, time flies, huh?" Yugo sweatdropped. "And guess what? Since Plotty's been silenced, we can do this as many times as we like. Doesn't that just make you -swoon-, Yugo darling?" "Uh...heh...heh..." *** As the four dark figures sat in McDonalds, menacing bystanders and ominously eating thier meals, the door opened again and two familiar-looking young girls walked in the door. "Come on, Aika! You'll love this! We have a lot of these in America!" "I'm not interested, Becky!" Becky tugged her compatriot towards the counter. "I'll have a double pound greaseburger with extra artificial dairy glop, and a side order of..." As she rambled on, the four figures took one glance at the duo, stood up, as one, pushed in their chairs, and walked out the door. The man in the corner giggled again, took a napkin, and wiped some spilled ketchup off of his polka-dot tie. *** Outside, the four figures were huddled together. "It's them!" "I don't know, Death, they looked a bit different..." "But they have all the markings!" "Besides, they smell like how our dispatch described them!" "Like nubile young women?" "Well, yeah!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #6662: The Four Horsemen (All statistics are rated using no particular system.) Intelligence: Average. Age: Infinitely old. Reflexes: Good to Horrible. Technical: Supernatural beings. Measurements: Scrawny to toweringly Body: Tall, evil, ominous. huge. Looks: See 'body' Blood Type: Black mist. Charisma: None to speak of. Favourite Food: Tortured souls. Cool: Horrible to Excellent. Luck: Usually pretty bad. Least Favourite Food: Happy souls. Hobbies: Making people die/go hungry/ get sick/get mad. Hit points: 9999/9999 Mana: 999/999 AC: 0 Abilities: -The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. (Ominous name. -2 on Charisma.) -Can look extremely ominous without thinking about it. -Death: Can swing around neat looking scythe and kill with one touch. -War: Carries a lot of weapons and makes people angry at everyone else. -Famine: Tends to eat a lot but never gets any meat on his bones, skinny sod that he is. -Pestilence: Looks like a buzzing cloud of flies around a lump of unwholesome-looking mud. Edible, but may cause indigestion. Will cause the end of the world, one of these days. Tap for End of the World. To counter thier abilities make Saving Throw vs. Curse. Background: The embodiments of all of mankind's greatest threats, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have long reigned as the dominant causes for everything that Sucks in the world. They have come to Tokyo seeking Aika and Becky for unknown reasons. Probably because they'll help in bringing about the end of the world, one speculator hypothesized, but that's irrelevant. They all enjoy having a nice lunch at McDonald's, though, which really isn't that surprising. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "EWW! What is this stuff?!" "It's meat, Aika." Replied Becky, in between mouthfuls. "But...but..." She held up the limp bit of rubbery material. "This..." Becky sighed. "Yes, I know that Americans inject so many wierd chemicals into thier food that it barely qualifies as organic material, but hey, it tastes good!" She bit off another chunk of her cheeseburger. Aika just sighed, and took a sip of her watery coke. "I don't understand Americans." Becky shrugged. "Who does?" She finished her burger, then suddenly got a serious look in her eyes. "But, really...what are we gonna do about those 13,999 children of chaos?" "Ummm..." Aika paused in her sipping. "Dunno. We're just the title characters, remember? The plot is entirely in the hands of the authors. Not our problem." "I suppose you're right..." Said Becky, curiously prodding at her Chicken McSlimes, "they'll probably just show up as new people that cause problems, one after the other, anyway, huh?" "I guess." "But aren't they dead?" "I dunno, but since when has that ever stopped anyone?" "Good point." *** "Oh, Yugo...come here...I -promise- I won't hurt you...unless you want me to." "No! Go away! How about another game of chess?" "How boring! Here, let me see that...Oh, my!! Yugo, you're so manly!" "AAAAH! Don't touch that!" "But don't you like it?" "GO AWAAAY!" Sofixupia pouted, and released Yugo's behind from her demonically strong grip. "If I do, can I eat your soul?" "NO!" "Spoilsport." *** Aika and Becky finally emerged from McDonalds, and were chattering away happily about nothing in particular, such as the latest military technology. However, what they didn't know was that four ominous figures were stalking them from the shadows, as ominous figures are wont to do. What the Four Horsemen didn't know was that they, too, were being stalked by another ominous figure. A grey one. "At last!" Murmured Boredom in a dry voice. "I shall have my revenge!" Pestilence turned around. "Hey, did you hear something?" The other three Horsemen looked around, but Boredom had faded off into the crowd. "Nope, I guess not." "Hmm...must've been the wind." Said Famine. They continued stalking Aika and Becky. Boredom continued stalking them. "Hmmm..." Said Becky. "What?" "What a strange noise..." Everything suddenly went silent. They shrugged and continued walking, and the silence ended. "But really," Said Becky. "There was a wierd noise behind us." "Huh, like what?" "It was like shuffling, clanking, buzzing, and rattling all at once." They stopped, and turned around. The Four Horesmen grew large sweatdrops and darted into an alley. "Hey!" Shouted Aika, "Who was that?" "I don't know, but they're obviously following us." "Eh, let them. We're busy." Becky's eyes narrowed. "As a federal agent, I must insist that we identify our stalkers." Aika rolled her eyes. "Oh, great..." She shrugged, helpless in the face of that which is known as Agent BA-3. "Fine." The two girls ran off down the alley, and accidently knocked over Boredom on the way, naturally not noticing. "Curses!" Muttered the grey Horseman. "Disrespectful children..." He shuffled along behind them. Unbeknownst to the entire party, yet another person stepped out of the shadows, and jotted something down on a notepad. "Hmm...heh heh...this is good. All right. Now maybe I can enlist the aid of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse to overthrow Jack." He spluttered. "Jack!" He spat the name out like a curse. "I'll get you, my arch nemesis! And your little duck too! If my name isn't DEBATABLE JOE!!" The man, now fully in the light, was revealed to be of about average height, with messy blond hair, little John Lennon glasses, a tuxedo, a polka-dot tie, and a little name sticker that said HELLO MY NAME IS Debatable Joe MWA HA HA. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #2394: Debatable Joe (All statistics are rated using no particular system.) Intelligence: Blithely Ignorant. Age: About 20 or so. Reflexes: Wired. Technical: Not really. Measurements: Not worth it. Body: Crappy. Looks: Crazy. Blood Type: Insane. Charisma: Lots. Favourite Food: Tuna-Free Dolphin Cool: None whatsoever. Luck: Extremely variant. Least Favourite Food: Baby Harp Seal Patties Hobbies: -Causing Problems for Controversial Jack -Trying to Take Over the World. Hit points: 120/145 Mana: 10/10 AC: 4 Abilities: -Neat little crazy eyes effect. -Laughs like a true megalomaniac. -Can talk to bath toys, much like his arch rival. Not edible due to thick skull. Tap for Dr. Evil impression. Tap Twice for Aunt Jemima Pancakes. Background: Once a good friend of Jack Lysias, became his arch nemesis after an incident involving the Goddess Helpline and Burger King. Now that Jack has become God, he truly has a good reason for blaming all of his problems on him. Joe was once closely allied with Imelda Marcos, former First Lady of the Phillipines, now turned insane cultist. Imelda left him for obscure reasons. Now Joe is fending for himself, and is attempting to amass an army to overthrow Jack. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *** "Sailor...Hoover?" "Well, yes." Said Dr. Pfischer. "You see, I needed another household appliance minion." Andraea Emira Davies wiped her forehead. "Oh, right." Sailor Hoover just blinked. "Minion? Hey, I'm NOBODY'S minion!" She then proceeded to get medieval on Dr. Pfischer's ass...with a vacuum cleaner. *** WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD FOR OUR BRAVE HEROINES? WHY ARE THEY BEING STALKED BY THE FOUR HORSEMEN? WHO IS THEIR MYSTERIOUS 'DISPATCH'? WHY DOES DEBATABLE JOE HAVE TO GET INVOLVED? WHAT WILL SOFIXUPIA DO TO GET HER REVENGE UPON YUGO, FOR DENYING HER HER CHAPTER OF SEXUAL PROMISCUITY? WILL BOREDOM HAVE HIS REVENGE? WILL PLOTTY EVER ESCAPE? WHO WAS THAT MYSTERIOUS VOICE THAT SPOKE TO HIM AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS CHAPTER? WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH SAILOR HOOVER? WILL IMPROFANFIC TURN UPON THIS FIRST-TIME AUTHOR FOR WRITING A TERRIBLE CHAPTER AND HANG HIM OVER THE CASTLE WALLS AS AN EXAMPLE TO ALL WHO WOULD DARE TO EVOKE THE WRATH OF THE IMPRO-MOB? WILL ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS ACTUALLY BE ANSWERED?! a. Yes. b. More that likely. c. Probably. Maybe. d. Sort of. e. A little. f. Not very much. g. No. Steven Scougall, your assignment is to answer none or more of the above questions. Do not use proper essay structure. Do not use proper grammar. But by all means, use detail. You might be graded on this assignment. Author's Note: Well, as my first-ever time for writing for Improfanfic, I think I could've done worse. Better, perhaps, but definitely worse. I, of course, intend to keep writing for this fine group of maniacs. If for any reason you have an objection, mail it to megane@mindless.com. If not, mail me anyway. I want comments. Good ones would be nice. Flames will undoubtedly merit a smartass reply. Well, I think that's all I have to say. (McDonalds is a McTrademark of McDonalds McIncorporated or McWhatever, McCopyright Some Year In The Past All McRights Reserved. Mc.) Love, Tabris P.S. You actually read this far down? Jesus, get a life.