Woofer was agonizing over his CORBA text when he heard his name. "Woofer..." The voice was low, melodic, female. "What?" "Woofer," the voice was close to his ear now, "I am your Muse." He blinked, twice. "Not now," he moaned, "I am overwhelmed with creamy Impro goodness as it is. I don't have time to take on another project. I have work, and deadlines, and that trip to New Orleans coming up-" The Muse stepped in front of him then. "Woofer, don't make me hurt you. You might enjoy it." Woofer looked at her, glorious in black leather (and was that a whip she carried?), and blushed. Then, after assessing her: "How about we, uh, strike a deal?" */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* GIRLS WITH GUNS The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Started By: David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca This Chapter By: W4, the Mad Author (woofersan@home.com) Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://www.improfanfic.com Episode Forty-Five: Don't Dream It; Be It */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Somewhere in the depths of a mining facility, the two former friends stared each other down. Both were breathing heavily, sweating, and looking the worse for wear. The battleground was strewn with dazed and mutilated rodents. The girls were the only contestants left in this crazy spectacle of supposed sports entertainment. "This...ends...now!" Aika cried, raising her rabbit launcher at Becky's chest. Just as she pulled the trigger, there was a flash of light. *Oh shit*, Aika thought detachedly, *it must have jammed on a furball.* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Meanwhile, Akane was busy practicing her Mad [THRUST]ing Skeelz. "'It's just a jump to the left...'" she read out loud from the book on her kitchen counter, leaping in the specified direction. This leap caused the chandelier in the apartment below her to jingle and swing wildly. Her downstairs neighbor glanced up at the ceiling with a scowl. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Aika and Becky froze as they materialized elsewhere, rabbit launchers clattering at their feet. The decor of their new locale resembled that of an early-70's culture clash nightmare. Walls sported Velvet Elvises, peace signs whirled in lazy light shows, and the ambient music was something that might have been Tangerine Dream whacked out on acid and performed mainly on the sitar. Incense and peppermint filled the air. "Where are we?" Becky finally choked out. Aika just shook her head silently. She was horrified. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* At the same elsewhere but in another part of it, a naked man hunt-and-pecked furiously at a keyboard while trying to keep an eye on a monitor. It showed two girls, standing at the entrance to his home, mouths wide open. One wore the remains of a fashion disaster of a fuku, while the other sported what looked like something from "Sweetheart of the Song Tra Bong". Both were bruised and covered with dirt. "Oh my," the man commented mildly, "They're in... THE ZEN ROOM." The can of Spam in the copilot's seat (did we mention our friend's home was a UFO of sorts?) refused to comment, and instead maintained its diligence at the controls. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "'Then you step to the right...'" Akane continued, frowning. "Who writes this stuff??" Silently, she was glad Jinnai and Newtiversal Jack had stepped out for coffee. They wouldn't bear witness to this humiliation. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* As another trippy ambient song began to play, Becky shook her head to clear it. She had no idea where she was and only a vague idea of how she had arrived, but she was going to try to take control of the situation. For starters, she was going to have to rouse her partner out of her stupor. "Aika!" Becky shrieked. "Look over there! It's Tim Curry in a bustier and garter belt!" Aika, in one fluid movement, spun around and pulled out the .38 she kept hidden beneath what was left of the skirt of her fuku. She trained it in the vague direction Becky had indicated, eyes narrowed. After a moment, the girl in camouflage relaxed. And pounced. "Becky! How could you! That was mean!" Aika cried. Giggling, the blonde picked herself and her rabbit launcher up off the floor. "You were zoning. I couldn't think of any other way," she explained. Replacing the .38 as quickly as she had removed it, the brunette asked, "Where are we, anyway?" "I've been trying to figure that out myself. As near as I can tell, we've been transported back in time, and wherever we are, it certainly isn't pretty." Becky dusted herself off, then looked up. "Um, Aika?" Her friend was busy checking her own rabbit launcher for damage. "Huh?" she grunted. "Does this room look suspiciously... conical to you?" Before the brunette could answer, there was a rumbling sound, and they were both thrown to the floor, rabbit launchers scattering once more. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* The naked man pressed his face to the window in the Control Room. He noticed that something small and pink had attached itself to one of the wings of his Unregistered Flying Object, which had caused the craft to pitch dangerously. "How odd," he muttered, "A newt." And he returned to his hunting-and-pecking at the keyboard. At the controls, the can of Spam ignored its companion's observation and regarded the control panel studiously, prepared for any sudden disaster. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Akane glanced at the book again. "'Put your hands on your hips.' Well, that's easy enough." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* The girls had recovered their rabbit launchers and were on the move. Becky had taken point, her launcher cocked and ready, and she slid along the smooth metal walls with Aika silent a few steps behind. They had left the nightmare foyer and had moved into the darker interior of the craft. Becky stopped short and held up a hand. She motioned that she was going to move forward alone, and Aika nodded once. The blonde took another step, then slowly pushed a door open with the barrel of her launcher. "What the-" she cried out. Aika pushed through the door past her friend. They had found the control room of the craft, the panels blinking and beeping serenely. No one sat in the pilot's seat. "So who's flying this hunk of junk?" Aika wondered, scratching the back of her head with her rabbit launcher. "I am!" Both girls whirled in unison and fired first, intending to ask questions later. Two shrieking rabbits burst from the barrels and impacted with the naked man who had stood up in the back of the room. He flew against a wall, left hand catching on a lever, which he pulled into the down position as he slid to the floor. The Undeniably Fictitious Object's engines immediately cut out. Gravity works, you know. The can of Spam knew this, and faced its certain death bravely. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "'Pull your knees in tight.' Huh. No problem there." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Calli was still on her newt-erous rampage. She had finished turning all the TVs and US Mail drop boxes in a three block radius into pink newts, along with Camp [NOOKIE] and a few not-so-innocent bystanders. She was working on Angry Keep Left signs when she happened to look up. Her brain took a moment to register that a large Unregistered Falling Object was about to land on her. "Itai..." she thought before becoming one with the cement. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* In a tangle of limbs and a small arsenal, Becky, Aika, the naked man, and the can of Spam came to rest against the control panel when the Unceremoniously Floored Object impacted on earth. The naked man recovered himself first. He pulled himself out from under the two girls, checking himself for bodily harm. Deciding that everything seemed to be in place and largely unscathed, he began to look for his copilot. "Spam! Are you under there?" the naked man called. His voice woke Aika, who leaped to her feet (inadvertantly stepping on Becky, who moaned and muttered, "Five more minutes, Agent"). She pulled out her hidden snub-nosed 8mm from... somewhere, and aimed it at the naked man's head. "Freeze!" the girl commanded. And he did. Aika nudged Becky with her boot. Becky continued to moan. Gritting her teeth, the brunette planted a swift kick to her companion's ribs. The blonde shot up with a yelp. She started to give Aika a dirty look and a few harsh words when she noticed the naked man standing with his hands above his head. "Ano, Aika, who is that?" she asked. Aika snapped, "Who are you?" The naked man tried to assume a dramatic pose, but as soon as his left tricep showed the first signs of motion, Aika started to pull on the trigger of the 8mm. He opted for a dramatic voice instead. "I... am the Mad Pecker!" the now-declared Mad Pecker introduced himself. Both girls blushed and sweatdropped, eyes automatically dropping to the man's nether regions. The can of Spam, having regained consciousness, wisely chose to remain still. It might have sweatdropped too, if cans of Spam were prone to that sort of thing. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "'Do the Pelvic [THRUST]'... YES! YES! AHAHAHAHAHAH!" Akane, in her ecstatic [THRUST]ing frenzy, neglected to read the next line in the book. Her downstairs neighbor, fed up with the commotion above, promptly called the police to report that the "mad [THRUST]ing woman was at it again". The operator assured the neighbor that the cute little men in their little white jackets would come to take the woman away. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Much in the way of vampires, once the source evil being was destroyed, all the lesser evil beings returned to normal. Such was the case with the newts. As Calli and the cement had their extremely Zen experience, TVs and US Mail drop boxes, as well as the other random objects that had been transformed, were *szchpop*ping back to their original states of being. Except for Newtiversal Jack. Instead, this cute little creature was engaged in a discussion about the origins of the word "[NOOKIE]" over a cafe au lait when Jack assumed a very odd expression. He looked as if he were about to spontaneously combust. And then, with a "MEEP!" and a terrible popping sound, Newtiversal Jack reproduced by means of binary fission. Jinnai blinked audibly. Before him sat not one, but two newts. Newtiversal Jack remained the same in appearance, except for the pained expression on his little amphibian face. The other newt was bright red, with a shock of white hair and a double chin. Newtiversal Jack regained his senses and looked at his creation. "Meep," he moaned. Controversial Newt blinked, and responded: "Moop." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* The ImproInquisition, recently resurrected and most recently newts in aardvark costumes, were trying to make sense of their situation. "How came we to be in these... these..." Torquemada was fuming, gesturing at the aardvark costume he wore. SubCommander [not available at your clearance, now run along] supplied, "Atrocities?" Torquemada nodded his agreement. "Atrocities, yes. What kind of inhuman, deranged, demented, sick and twisted individual would come up with this sort of get-up?" The SubCommander sweatdropped. *It could be worse*, he thought to himself, *we could have been naked in a box somewhere.* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* It was about this time that Jinnai and his two amphibian companions noticed that an Unnecessarily Flattened Object had impacted on the sidewalk outside the coffee shop. They rushed out just as Aika and Becky, dragging a naked man who clutched a keyboard to his groin, crawled from the wreckage. Jack made a low "meep", while Newt managed to get even redder and cursed, "Moop!" At the same time, Akane was being dragged out of her flat by the cute little men in the little white jackets. She was ranting about pelvic [THRUST]s and time warps, which only called attention away from the unusual wreckage. Becky looked up. "AKANE!" Akane blinked. "BECKY!" Aika dropped the naked man, who scrambled back into the craft. "AKANE!" Akane shook off her escorts. "AIKA!" From inside the Unbelievably Farked-up Object, the Mad Pecker called out to his copilot: "SPAM!" To which the can of Spam replied, "..." And the stand-off was on: "AKANE!" "BECKY!" "AKANE!" "AIKA!" "SPAM!" "..." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Woofer looked up at his Muse. "Did I actually write this?" "Not exactly, no," the Muse winked at him, causing him to blush furiously. "See you in the French Quarter, darlin'." With that, and a bounce which earned Woofer a nosebleed, the Muse was gone. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Author's Notes: OHOHOHOHOHO! Not a word of this was written by Woof! Instead, Woof is being held by whipcrack by Stephica (S: Yeah, do you hear him complaining? No? I didn't think so... *whacrack* BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ME, PUNY MORTAL!) Stephica's Notes: Thanks to Woof for suggesting this EVIL plan and graciously giving up the fame and glory he might have normally received for this chapter- I'll never forget you or the 20 minutes in that alley in the French Quarter (never mind that it hasn't happened yet)- "Hey, Alan, look over there for 20 minutes!" And speaking of Alan: thanks for being more intuitive than is good for you- "No bone for YOU!" Kudos to Phil for suggesting there be a RHPS plotline Apologies to Calli- but hey, we sacrifice many things in the name of art. This time it just happened to be your avatar. My Muse was the real-life Mad Pecker, may the Goddess have mercy on his intimates. Danke, Quisalas! W4's Notes: FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLED YOU! Okay, so maybe the fact that Akane didn't do something terribly evil or die violently may have been a giveaway to the more astute reader, but nevertheless, I like how this little gag worked out. But hey, don't feel too bad. You were expecting a funny and outrageous part from me. Instead, you got a funny and outrageous part from a new Improfanfic author. Think of it as a Star-Search-esque deal, and the swelling will go down. Honest. http://www.students.rhodes.edu/%7Eknoke/indie/indie.html Sign up, for we are sociable and loony. Questions? Comments? Statements? Inquiries? Things you want to know? You can reach me at woofersan@home.com or the lovely and talented Stephica at stephica@bellsouth.net.