"Well that was surreal," the Author commented 1as he surveyed the last episode of Girls with Guns. "Not that that's a bad thing." "Well, no. Surreal is good. I like surreal. It's almost as fun as the parareal." "Nonetheless, as far as our typical futile efforts to continue the existing 'plot' go, it seems necessary to look back to the second last episode." "Is it just me, or did he manage to write AnFourthy out of character?" the Author asked his Ursine Avatar. "Well, considering her seed personality template was that of the Girls with Guns incarnation of Princess Annikki, and the minimal character development she has received since then could reasonably only allow for minimal deviation from the aforementioned seed personality template, it seems that the logical conclusion would be that..." "The Ayame-impression is unnecessary. A summary would be sufficient," the Author interjected, cutting of his Avatar's techno-babble. "In that case, yes, she did seem overly prudish." "It was also more than a little ironic to have an Author show up in person to intimidate the Fourth Wall into doing her job." "Indeed. Logically if she complied with his orders she would have had nothing to fear from his reprisals." "You do realize that you're starting sound like Spock?" "I have the misfortune to have no reality index other than that I am afforded as an aspect of your subconscious," the Ursoid's tone took on an accusatory air. "And you watched that Star Trek bloopers special the other day." "I'm not sure how much patience our audience has for this 'witty' banter of ours." "Are you kidding? You're not sure if anyone besides its Authors read this thing." "'Fess up. You're really Inu in disguise aren't you?" "I plead the fifth." "What did I do to deserve this?" "Well, there was that time when..." "Don't answer that! So what are we going to do for a plot?" "Something hentai?" "Well yes. However, I feel obligated to put in something other than hentai." "Even after the precedent you set last time?" "Yes. I suppose I could do something involving The Ominous Figure of Dark Forboding and Intent." "Nah. Forget about him. You could spend the entire episode writing about Becky and Aika experimenting with bondage games." "Okay. I think it's reasonably safe to assume that you are in fact Ursus, rather than Inu." "Good. Now that we've got that settled, do you know where Sofee is?" "You're doing that on purpose aren't you?" "You have no way of knowing." ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ Girls with Guns: A stupendous sample of sustained silliness. Originally started by David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca This episode by Philip Barkow, pbarkow@is2.dal.ca Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://www.improfanfic.com Episode 50: It's Chaos-sama's Fault! ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Umm... Aren't we supposed to have gone by now?" "Quiet! I'm still trying to think up a plot!" the Author said, shushing his Avatar. "Don't you think that your reading public deserves better?" "First off, this is Girls with Guns. Second off, I'm stuck with you as a muse. I mean, Woofer-san gets Stephica as a muse. The Mistress herself! But I'm stuck with a furry figment of my own imagination." "Okay, okay. Enough already. I think they get the point. Just get on with the obligatory hentainess." "Fine then." ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Why are we standing around in our underwear?" Becky asked her fellow underwear-clad Impromascot. "Well, the last time someone remembered that the plot of the Rocky Horror Picture Show was infringing on ZerPlotty's territory we were stripped down to our underwear. Neither of the Authors who have come since then bothered to dress us again. Either they forgot, or they were hentais too." "Possibly both. So that would leave us somewhere in Shockenfurter's Castle; which has just been taken over by The Ominous Figure of Dark Forboding and Intent, who intends to use it as a base from which to take over the world, right?" "Right. So now that we've finished the recap, what do we do next?" ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Thanks, now I kinda know what's going on, girls." "Where'd the blond chick come from?" "Be more respectful to Chaos-sama!" the Author chided his Avatar. "That's a good question though. What am I doing here?" asked the Lady Chaos. "And why am I dressed like this?" ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ At this point, had she been doing her job, AnFourthy would have exercised her authority as the Fourth Wall and caused our much beloved heroines to completely forget certain aspects of their conversation. However, AnFourthy was currently in another world, understudying for a role in a peanut butter commercial. Apparently, her agent insisted that she had to start small if she was going to make it as an actress. ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ The two Magical Girls looked at each other for a couple of moments before Aika broke the silence. "Those Hentai Hunter Gaia panties certainly look good on you, Becky." "Thanks. That Genom sports bra you're wearing certainly looks... tight. Are you cold?" "No. We just have a hentai Author." "In that case, let's not waste the opportunity." Even before she had finished speaking, Aika drew Becky towards herself with her powerful arms and, crushing her bosom to her own, kissed her deeply. ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Oh right. It's the Aika from MGH," the Lady Chaos said in realization. "Not that I'm complaining, but aren't you supposed to leave the actual contact off-screen, and leave only innuendo on camera?" "Hush. It's a romantic moment," the Author said defensively. "Well, I suppose it's a change from the typical routine of their pulling massive weapons (often Rabbit Launchers) from nowhere, and then blowing away the antagonists." "Where do Rabbit Launchers come from anyway?" "I have no idea." "Allow me then." ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #(3-Cybermen): The source of Rabbit Launchers Within the deepest reaches of Lady Chaos's refrigerator there is a box. Though it appears to be a box of what appear to be cans of Wild Cherry Pepsi. In actuality (or so it is said), it is a box of rabbits. Based on these facts it is only logical to conclude that what seems to be a 'paper towel box', in fact, contains Rabbit Launchers. ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Oh cool. Thanks." "Shhhhhhhhh! I'll get in trouble for you telling people about the Rabbit Launchers! Can you tell me why I'm here now?" "What, you've never been drafted for temporary Muse duty before?" "Uh... no, not to my recollection. 'Muse'-ing is Inu's department..." she trailed off, lip quivering. "B-but, Inu-chan isn't here..." ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ Elsewhere within the castle of Dr. Shockenfurter (now the headquarters of The Ominous Figure of Dark Forboding and Intent), the recently widowed Akane regained consciousness. Taking a moment to recollect where she was, and why she was clad only in her underwear, the much courted tomboy turned towards the forth wall. Addressing the Author, she spoke. "Well?" ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Is she talking to us?" the Author asked, surprised. "I think she so," his Avatar replied. "It certainly looks that way," the visiting muse added. ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Of course I'm talking to you. You're the Author of this fic, aren't you?" Akane replied testily, placing her hands on her hips. ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Sorry, I'm unaccustomed to being addressed by my characters." "Really? It happens to me all the time. Usually they want to ask what the hell I think I'm doing." ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ Akane rolled her eyes derisively at the Author, and his visiting muse. "The Fourth Wall is AWOL. And I have lot more experience at being in fourth wall breaking fics than those two lovebirds have. So could you just get on with whatever tangential plot-line I'm going to be involved in?" ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Well, to be honest, I hadn't really thought of what I was going to do with you." "See, there they go, expecting you to know exactly what's going on. Characters, sheesh, they have no idea how much thought goes into their little adventures. Or lack of thought which is just as difficult to produce some times." ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Typical." The scantily-clad martial artist sighed impatiently before continuing. "You might as well ignore my cannon characterization, everybody else does. You could do something with my semi-established characterization in this fic as a vengeful villainess. Being a hentai you'll probably have me do something hentai, though." ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "I could combine the two." ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "No!" she said emphatically, pointing violently to emphasize her point. "If you try to put me in a BDSM scene with Becky and Aika, I promise you a Revenge Fic, and you will not get off nearly so easily as a Jusenkyo curse." ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ The Lady Chaos sniggered slightly. ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ Akane glared at her. ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Alright, alright. How about we just have a couple scenes of you practicing katas in the nude?" ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "You'll have to settle for me practicing katas in my underwear. I think that's sufficient fanservice." Akane suddenly collapsed, unconscious. The security droid which had come up behind her unnoticed retracted it's stun-gun. ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "That was nasty, boss." "Yeah, but she's been presented as a sufficiently unsympathetic character that I think I can get away with it." "So was it one of Shockenfurter's security drones, or one of The Ominous Figure of Dark Forboding and Intent's security drones?" "Let's check." ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #dbzfk(Rot-13): Random Security Droid Full Name: Alpha Class Security Droid MK IV, serial number: 523734571-wop Occupation: General security for an evil villain. Specializes in making sure damsels in distress and/or undress, stay that way. (All statistics are rated from one to ten) Intelligence: 4 Age: His warranty expired a while ago Reflexes: 6 Measurements: About the size of a vacuum cleaner Technical: 8 Blood Type: WD-40 Body: 9 Favorite Food: Alternating current, Looks: 3 and women's underwear. Charisma: 2 Least Favorite Food: Hissian Radiation. Cool: 5 Hobbies: None, he's always on duty. Luck: Surprisingly good. Hit Points: 37/42 Mana: 3/4 AC: 2 Abilities: -Has a number of built in features, including, but not limited to: Stun Gun Attractive female restraint system Attractive female clothing-removal system Certified HEPA air filter Espresso machine -Tends to survive unexpectedly. Edible only if you're a Xorn. Tap to change the channel. Background: 523734571-wop is one of the last of his make. Though they tended to sell well, production of the MK IV was brought to a premature halt by a 3WA trouble consultant who took it upon herself to rid the galaxy of them after one of them got the better of her unexpectedly. The crusading 3WA operative eventually paid a visit to the Castle of Dr. Shockenfurter. Her eventual fate is unknown at this time, though it maybe related that there is an authentic, standard issue, 3WA Battle Bikini discarded in a closet somewhere within Shockenfurter's castle. 523734571-wop continues to carry out his primary function, the capture, restraint, and abuse of attractive females. ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Interesting. Let me guess, Akane will regain consciousness to discover that the droid has left her in the grasp of some fiendish device designed by Shockenfurter, right?" "I was thinking of something Barbarella-esque, though I'll probably leave it to the next Author." ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Do not think to forget me, mortal," a voice said out of the darkness. ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Who said that?" "I think it was The Ominous Figure of Dark Forboding and Intent." "Oh. I suppose you want a plot line too. How about I reveal that you're actually Riot of the Controversy Aki in a brilliant disguise?" ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "[No.]" ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Morrigan?" ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "[No.]" ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "Sailor H?" ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ [No.] ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ "In that case you can wait and see if the brackets of power have any greater effect on the next Author." ~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~b~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~e~~~~~~~~~y~~~~~~~~~~ Authors Note: Yes, it is all Chaos-sama's fault. She's the one that gave me the idea to do an entire episode composed of arguing about what to put in the episode. Everybody e-mail her and encourage her to go ahead with her plans to sacrifice her boyfriend to Shubby-chan! Lady Chaos adds: "And tell those bastards to give back Inu! ^_^" Thanks to Jonatan Streith for pre-reading. And a big thanks to the Lady Chaos for pre-reading and for being surprisingly tolerant of her abduction. "Could I go now?" "But we haven't even tied you to a chair yet!"