"How did we get here, Becky?" Aika asked to the uncaring darkness. "Where did we go wrong? We were only innocent children, doing what we thought was right..." She shook her head. "Was it? All I know is that we've lost so much... so many friends... Akane, Jinnai... we never got to know them very well. The Mad Pecker, the can of Spam... so many friends, lost to... THOSE..." Carefully, reluctantly, she opened the coffin before her, pushing the ornamented lid aside. "...and now you, Becky. I hope you'll forgive me for doing this... because I never will." As she raised the wooden stake, a tear escaped her eye. Then, everything went white. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #668-EP: Episode four Fic: GIRLS WITH GUNS, or I love the smell of madness in the morning Slogan: The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Started By: David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca This Chapter By: Jonatan Streith, chaotic-neutral (J_Streith@mailandnews.com) Title: Kore wa yume desu (This is a dream) Growth rate: Double Cost to upgrade: N/A Qualities: -Hosted by Improfanfic -Divine support -Better than a sharp stick in the eye -Insane prose -When activated, will cast Forget About Other Stuff for a short period of time Tap to get more signups. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...FZZZZZZZZZZZ... Aika slowly opened one eye, and quickly regretted it as a massive barrage of photons penetrated her brain. After hiding under her covers until the spots in front of her eyes had vanished, she risked another tentative peek. She was in her bedroom. The TV in the corner showed only white noise, and the sound of running water could be heard in the distance. Sunlight filtered in through the dirty window. But... what had happened? Where did the castle go? What happened to Jinnai, Akane and the newts? And who was that Maud person, anyway? The memories slipped away even as she focused on them. Deciding that there was no point in lying in bed all day, she crawled out and headed off to the shower. Nothing like a relaxing shower to set the mind straight. But there was... SOMEONE in the shower. She could tell even before she opened the bathroom door; the running water, the muted singing with that special echo unique to bathrooms. She opened the door carefully, silently, and snuck in. There, a silhouette behind the curtain. She reached forward, her fingers closing around the edge of the curtain. With a fluid movement, she pulled it aside. "Hi, honey!" *BLAM!* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #5687-ED: Bobby Designation: Bobby Ewing from "Dallas". Type: Contrivance/Cameo. Value: 45000 Nyen. Special: Cannot be used under abnormal conditions. Can be modified into the Infinite Cantina. Do not tear, fold, spindle or mutilate. Comment: Let's see him get up from this one. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *BLAM!* *BLAM!* *BLAM!* Becky awoke with a start. Gunfire, so early in the morning? She rolled off the couch and drew her gun. Seeing that no one appeared to threaten her at the moment, she stealthily shuffled towards the source of the noise. She kicked down the door and aimed the gun at the figure before her. "Freeze!" Aika quickly dropped her load and dove to the side, a bullet ricocheting off the floor and shattering the bathroom mirror. As she raised her gun, she realized who her assailant was. "Becky, it's just me!" "Oh." The schoolgirl/secret agent/Magical Girl lowered her gun. "Sorry." "Oh, it's okay," Aika said, getting to her feet and brushing off her pajamas. "Hey, give me a hand with this guy, will you?" "Okay." With combined effort, they managed to drag the curly-haired naked man over to the window and push him out. "Who was he, anyway?" "Some random plot contrivance... but when I get surprised by totally naked, well-built men in the shower, I..." She trailed off, put two and two together, and facepalmed. "D'oh." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #62-BI: Aki Full name: Aki Sidious Villyn Occupation: School girl, world conqueror (All statistics are rated from 1 to 10 in Finnish.) Intelligence: 4 Reflexes: 8 Age: 16. Technical: 6 Measurements: Wouldn't you like to know? Body: 9 Blood Type: AB-. Looks: 9 Favourite Food: Ramen. Charisma: 8 Least favorite food: Anything with cabbage. Cool: 5 Hobbies: Villainy. Luck: Moderate. Hit points: 54/54 Mana: 45/45 AC: -5 Abilities: -Magical girl -Mad wind ninja internet skeelz -Detect traps -Naga laughter -Looks really good in armor Cannot be turned. Cannot be negated. Can cast Protection against Clowns once daily. Tastes like cinnamon. Tap, and you get a mouthful of steel. Background: After a chance encounter with a drunken clown at age five, Aki vowed to enslave the world, and rule it with an iron fist. However, since few five-year olds have access to large amounts of weapons, her plans have had some setbacks. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The time was right. The place was right. The ambience... was right. The figure in all-body armor adjusted its cape, and posed against the rising sun. "Yes! The time has come! From this day on, the world belongs to ME! The reign of Villyn... has begun! NYAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" In the kitchen two stories below, Nemesis Serendipity Villyn shook his head. "Why couldn't I have a normal daughter?" "'Theft of Dodgers still unsolved'," Villyn read, sipping his coffee. "I'd say, those crazy Gaijin." Aki walked in, helmet under her arm, and took a slice of toast, the late schoolgirl's breakfast. "Hi, dad! I'm going to see an arms dealer today!" She took a bite out of the bread, and turned towards the door. "Oh?" Villyn raised an eyebrow. "And what about school?" "Dad..." She rubbed her forehead, as if she had said the same thing a million times before, which she had. "I've told you a million times before. As ruler of the civilized world, I don't need school!" "I fail to see the logic in that, Aki dear." Villyn shook his head. "Really, I'd have thought you'd have grown out of this silly idea to rule the world by now. It was fun for a while, but... what did that therapist I sent you to last week say?" "I threw him out the window when he started babbling about repressed sexuality and recursive neuroses and stuff." She shrugged, and glanced at her watch. "C'mon, dad. I'm missing my appointment." "Well, nothing to it." He poured himself another cup of Soul-Devouring Coffee (that was, by the way, the actual label. Anything can be sold with murdering advertising... take it as you may.) and continued, "You'll have to reschedule. I am not going to let your GPA go to pot, and that's all there is to it." "Fine, fine," Aki replied, her shoulders drooping in defeat. "I'll just call him and get another appointment." She sent a Look of Paternicide (which actually didn't hold everything that it promised in the advertisements) at her father, who shrugged it off with no ill effects besides a passing feeling of lethargy, and added, "Just remember, when I dominate the entire world, I won't let you govern America as my proxy." "I'll take that as a blessing, then." He was about to return to his newspaper, when a thought struck him. "Ow. By the way, where did you get enough money to buy arms?" "Oh that?" Aki said from the doorway. "I sold the Tokyo Tower to some crazy tourists." "Well, that explains THAT, at least..." He returned to the newspaper, which bore the headline: 'TOKYO TOWER AWOL; UNEXPLAINABLE ABSENCE BAFFLES CITY COUNCIL!' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #3-H: Heart Heart High High school. Extremely high school standards. Aika goes here. Becky goes here. Aki goes here. Elvis goes here. Hit points: 2245/2250 Cost to upgrade: 2 Screw, 3 Star Fragment, 5 Pulse Ammo. Supernatural phenomena may occur. Do not feed the nurse. School uniform must be enforced. Absolutely no confetti. Do not, under any circumstances, pet the god. Can manifest The Really Big Hand once weekly. Tap for 2 licorice mana. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "So you're subscribed to Heart Heart High too?" Aika asked. The two of them were rushing to school, being late. Becky nodded, running along and somehow managing to hold a decent conversation, mainly because the author didn't feel like writing a lot of *pant* *pant* everywhere. But apparently he feels like breaking the fourth wall and ranting on and on for several passages without even using a period or even more than a few commas, showing no sign of stopping voluntarily-- "Police!" Ayame shouted. "That man is stealing my schtick!" Eep! As the author evaded the harsh but unjust enforcers of justice, Aika turned her head towards Becky. "Did you... did you notice that?" "Notice what?" Becky said. "Hey, watch out!" "Huh?" Aika looked ahead, and nearly popped her eyes out as she spotted two mimes carrying an invisible pane of glass dead ahead. Accelerating across the pavement, she desperately tried to steer herself away from the obstruction. She evaded the mimed threat by a hair's breadth, bounced off of some scarred chick who went flying into the gutter, and skidded into... "Ow!" ...something hard, apparently. Akia shook her head, tried to focus her vision, and looked up. And paled. "Oh no... the principal..." Becky, who had earlier realized that she was on foot and had evaded the mimes merely by stopping, trotted in through the gates. "That is the principal?!" "Uh oh..." Joe Random Student (Esq., on exchange from Britain) mused. "Aika's pissed off the principal... she's gonna get it now." "But..." Becky stopped, and looked at the scenery again. "He's a big can of spam." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #103-E: The can of spam Full name: Principal Can von Spam Occupation: Principal over Heart Heart High (All statistics are rated from 1 to 10 in reality.) Intelligence: 7 Reflexes: 6 Sell-by date: 2014/03/21 Technical: 6 Measurements: Three feet across. Body: 2 Contents: Monosodiumglutamate, E101, Looks: 1 dextrose replacements, meat. Charisma: 4 Favourite Food: Lettuce. Cool: 7 Least favorite food: Spam. Luck: Moderate. Hobbies: Punishing delinquents. Hit points: 90/90 Mana: 25/25 AC: -5, due to heavy tin casing. Abilities: -Colorful labels -Authority figure -Digimon encyclopedia -Improved save vs. noogies -Now with less food coloring! Can provide a tasty meal for a family of 18, but not willingly. Cannot be folded, stapled, spindled or mutilated. Tastes like spam. Tap for hidden quest. Background: The can of spam is the principal of Heart Heart High. It rules the school with an iron fist (despite its lack of actual fists, iron or otherwise), and takes pleasure in diciplining delinquents. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Oh no..." Aika said, a mask of fear over her face. The mask then fell down over her eyes, so she ripped it off, showing her terrified face underneath. The principal slowly turned around, and locked its piercing eyeless gaze on the offending girl. Had it been gifted with vocal cords, it would have said, "Ahah! So you think you can just run into me like this?" Instead, it held up a sign with the very same message. No one really knew what it held it WITH, though. "No... no!" Aika shook her head, trying to crawl away. "It was an accident! Really!" "A likely story!" the principal didn't say, instead opting to use a sign. A long, sharp katana appeared in its... its... appeared, and it raised the blade over its lid. "Time for you to be punished, miss Delinquent!" it said with a sign. "AIKA!" Becky screamed, and tried to run forward. But she was incapable of moving, her limbs held back by fear... no, scratch that. She was held back by a bunch of schoolboys and girls. "What the...?" "You're new here, right?" Joe asked. "Just wait and see." Becky stared in disbelief as the blade swung at her helpless friend. However, as it made contact, it didn't draw blood... something else gave way. All of the boys (and some of the girls) stared intently. "This is horrible!" Becky exclaimed. "How can you just stand there?" "Oh, it's easy," Random Female Student said. "It requires very little muscular activity." Becky narrowed her eyes. "I've got a gun. Just let me go, and--" "No, no," Random interrupted. "Wait for the second bit, you're gonna love it." Before Becky could ask what she meant, Random pointed towards the school roof. "Look! There he is!" All of the girls (and some of the boys) turned their heads as one. Up on the roof was a lonely, clearly male figure, posing in the sunlight. He was dressed in a concealing red mask, and matching boots and gloves. And that's about it, really. "Hooray!" A female voice cried in the crowd. "Pecker Kamen is here!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #63-P: Pecker Kamen Full name: Sorry, that's one of the few things he WON'T reveal. Occupation: Masked vigilante of Heart Heart High. (All statistics are rated from 1 to 10 in grape jello.) Intelligence: 6 Reflexes: 8 Age: Unknown. Technical: 4 Measurements: A few inches above average. Body: 9 Blood Type: AB+. Looks: 8 Favourite Food: Jello. Charisma: 8 Least favorite food: Spam. Cool: 6 Hobbies: Saving innocent young girls Luck: High. from a fate worse than death. Hit points: 135/140 Mana: 45/67 AC: 5 Abilities: -Acrobatic -Ability to make any woman swoon -Highly distracting -Has all pokemon! Cannot be identified. Cannot be played in a Palladium setting. May call upon Bad Sitcom once daily. Tap for... oh, guess. Background: Pecker Kamen in the masked savior of Heart Heart High, saving innocent young girls daily. No one has seen his face, for obvious reasons. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Author's notes: I hereby declare this to be episode four! You hear me, people? Yes, I'll cheerfully toss FIFTY episodes (hmm, round and nice number) into the garbage pile and restart with my very first one. How's that for controversy? And now I could go into a long and unprepared rant about how everyone is screwing this fic over and running it into the mud with parts that are no good and doesn't make sense and alienates the readers and why can't we write chibis with actual plot like Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky over at Indie Madnesse (plug, plug!) and make this a story like it was in the start. But I'm not going to do that. Instead, I hope that you've all had as much fun reading this as I've had writing it (Yosh! Got my zany writing spirit back!), and welcomes our next author, Geese Howard-- I mean, James Howard, also known as the MultiMediocre Knight, and the original author of Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky, now hosted at Indie Madnesse (Plug again, go there NOW! Okay, finish reading this first.) For those prone to get lost in my crazy paragraphing, that is: The next author is James Howard, aka The MultiMediocre Knight, who will write part FIVE of GwG. Give him a hand, folks. Heck, give him a foot. I'm not sure if he needs your kidneys, but you can't be too sure. Thank you, ladies, gentlemen, and you others who dare not go out before sundown. Good night. Coming up next: I try my hand at serious fanfiction. Will the world be the same? -Jonatan Streith, writing since '98 P.S. I call NO GILBERT AND SULLIVAN!