"Hooray!" a female voice cried in the crowd. "Pecker Kamen is here!" Pecker Kamen powerposed. "Foul bane of young girls! How dare you threaten the innocence of youth like this! I have come to sto..." Pecker Kamen trailed off as a disshelved-looking author walked out of the building he was standing on and wandered into the crowd. The Author shuffled through the group of students with a stupified look on his face, occasionally muttering things like "Chapter *Five*?" and "...like H! all over again" and "I should have stayed in the minors" and such. He shuffled into the centre of the crowd, walked right past the scantily-clad Aika without appearing to notice her, and bumped right into Principal Spam. "Huh?" The Author said intelligently, looking up. Principal Spam held up a sign reading [Pardon me, my good man, you're on the wrong side of the fourth wall.] "Huh?" The Author said again. He looked around at the students and the Heart Heart High building. "Oh... gee, I'm sorry..." Becky facepalmed. "Restart the scene." "Gee, guys, I'm sorry..." The Author said as Principal Spam led him out of the scene. +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | GIRLS WITH GUNS | | | | Started by David Kelk (dkelk@sympatico.ca) | | This chapter by James Howard (multimediocreknight@yahoo.com) | | | | Hosted By Improfanfic (http://www.improfanfic.com) | | | | I Shouldn't Have To Tell You That | | | | Chapter Fifty-Five: Chapter Five, My Ass | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ "I mean, I'm *new* here," The Author continued to apologize once he and Principal Spam were safely behind the fourth wall. [Think nothing of it,] Principal Spam signed. [Happens all the time. Say, I have to go, alright?] "No problem. So there's no way to keep things under control?" [I didn't say *that*. Just send your avatar in there.] "My av-" [You don't have an avatar.] "Well... it... no." [Where'd they *find* you?] Principal Spam quickly flipped the sign over, somehow. [Don't answer that. Look, forget the avatar stuff, alright? We'll just wing it.] "Sure! That sounds great!" The Author smiled. [Well, I'm glad *you*'re happy.] The signs disappeared as Principal Spam went back into the scene. "Are we ready yet?" Random Female Student asked. [All set. ...damn newbies. It may as *well* be Chapter Five.] --- "Hooray!" a female voice cried in the crowd. "Pecker Kamen is here!" Pecker Kamen powerposed. "Foul bane of young girls! How dare you threaten the innocence of youth like this! I have come to stop your horrible reign of terror before it spreads... to..." "[WARK]." Pecker Kamen sweatdropped as a glowing purple chocobo walked into the scene. "Oh, man. Sorry!" came The Author's voice from beyond the fourth wall. "My bad!" [Aw, *Christ*,] Principal Spam's sign read. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #10-10-666: Chocoborochi | | | | Full Name: Chocobo of the Disharminous Newbie Involvement | | | | Occupation: Destroyer of All That Exists / Big Goofy Bird | | | | (All Statistics are Rated from 1 to 10) | | Intelligence: 3 Age: Immortal | | Reflexes: 10 Measurements: Eww! *Sick*, dude! | | Technical: 1 Blood Type: Orochi Taint | | Body: 2 Favorite Food: Vorpal Greens | | Looks: 7 Least Favorite Food: Spam | | Charisma: 10 Hobbies: Appearing where least expected for | | Cool: 3 no real reason at all. | | Luck: Actually, no, it says "wark". | | Hit Points: 999/999 | | Mana: 87/99 | | AC: DC | | | | Abilities: | | -iron stomach | | -superpowerful [PECK]ing | | -speeds of up to 160m/h | | -the [Brackets], boss, the [Brackets] | | | | Can absorb [HATE]. And [FOOD]. | | Cannot be explained. | | Edible. Tastes like fish. | | Tap and it [PECK]s. | | Peck and it [TAP]s. | | | | Background: | | Orochi left the body of Chris when he realized that Chris - for lack of a | | better term - ABSOLUTELY SUCKS. Unable to find a good - a *good* - body | | with Orochi blood in it that he could occupy, Orochi spent his time floating | | around in the void until he could find a suitable medium to channel himself | | through. | | The fact that he chose an Orochi-tainted chocobo over Chris speaks volumes. | | As it turns out, something went wrong during the channeling. Drastically, | | *drastically* wrong. | | To be specific, the can of spam that was being used in the ritual fell off | | the nubile young virgin's head when she tried to light the sacrificial copy | | of Jersy Kosinski's "Pinball" with the flame thrower. This caused the entire | | ritual to fall apart halfway through, leaving both Orochi and the Chocobo in | | partial control of the body. Both Orochi and the Chocobo have hated spam | | since, because it's much easier than hating nubile young virgins, flame | | throwers or Jersy Kosinski. | | Despite all this, Orochi *still* finds this body to be Cooler Than Chris'. | +------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ "Just work around him?" The Author suggested in an attempt to be helpful. [Damn newbies.] Pecker Kamen scratched the back of his head. "Should we start over?" he asked from the top of the building. "Duh. *Yes*," Aika said. "Okay, okay. Gimme that line again." Everybody retook their positions. --- "Hooray!" a female voice cried in the crowd. "Pecker Kamen is here!" Pecker Kamen powerposed once again. "Foul bane of young girls! How dare you threaten the innocence of youth like this! I have come to stop your horrible reign of terror before it spreads to all corners of the Earth!" Principal Spam somehow held his katana to Aika's throat. [Are you threatening me?] asked his sign. "WARK! WARK [WARK]!" Chocoborochi warked. The Principal turned his sign towards the purple bird. It now read [*You* in particular are *extra* powerless to stop me.] The sign, that is, not... yeah. "[WARK]!" Chocoborochi retorted. [Oh, yeah, I'm scared of *you*.] "[WARK] WARK." [What are you going to do? Eat me?] "WARK? *WARK*! *WARK* WARK [WARK]!" [You DON'T LIKE ME? But... but EVERYONE likes me! I'm nutritious!] "Says you!" Aika cut in. The can of Spam looked indignant. [Skank.] Aika glared at Heart Heart High's principal. "Bitch." [Tramp.] "Ho." "Guys..." Becky sighed, trying to push her way through the students. "No no no," one boy said, holding Becky back. "This is interesting. Let them talk." "Gluuuurg," Random Female Student pointed out, staring upwards. Pecker Kamen had left off defending justice for a while so he could practice his posing, you see. [You're a crappy student.] "You're a crappy principal!" [Oh, that DOES it.] A large axe appeared next to Principal Spam, which I guess means that technically he was holding it. Oh, shut up. *You* try describing it. [I'll make you pay for your delinquency, young ruffian!] read the sign floating on the other side of the can, technically meaning that the principal was holding it in his other... yeah. Shut *up*, already. [Prepare to be PUNISHED!] "[WARK]!" [Oh, yeah. And I'm also going to kill that roadrunner thing over there.] "Why?" Joe Random Student called from somewhere in the circle of students. [Why? WHY? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO EAT ME!] There was an uncomfortable silence. "Uh, I'm sorry," Pecker Kamen called from the rooftop, "I get the feeling that I started paying attention to this conversation at precicely the wrong time. Could someone tell me what's going on?" There was some more silence. [DIE!] read Principal Spam's sign as the axe swung down towards Aika's head. *KBLAMwzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzTINK* That, of course, is the sound made by a bullet being fired, flying through the air, and embedding itself in a large axe. The bullet knocked the axe off course, causing it to land in the dirt next to the the bra-and-panties-clad Aika. Becky grinned as she aimed her gun at Principal Spam. "I'm still in this scene too, you know," she grinned. There was the sound of a wall collapsing and the screams of an author being buried. "Just ignore that," Becky said quickly. [So, you show signs of disobedience as well!] An AK-47 appeared next to Principal Spam. [That *cannot* be forgiven!] --- Far away, in the Principal's office of Gedo High, Kim Kaphwan sneezed. --- Well, needless to say, by the time we came back from that pointless cameo the crowd of students had quickly dispersed in various directions and a full-fledged war was in progress. Fortunately, the Heart Heart High grounds have a lot of trees for hiding behind. ... Well, alright, I'll spare you the details of what was really just another cliched shootout scene. Suffice to say, the whole place was shot up real good. Aika shot the place up, Becky shot the place up, the principal shot the place up, Chocoborochi shot purple fire out of its mouth and burned a lot of the trees down, and... well... I'll *also* spare you the details of what Pecker Kamen shot. [Damnit, newbie, get *on* with it.] Right, right. Sorry. Next scene! --- +------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #T-00-L: Diff | | | | Full Name: Diff Occult | | | | Occupation: High School Student / Mindless Follower | | | | (All Statistics are Rated from 1 to 10) | | Intelligence: 1 Age: 17 | | Reflexes: 1 Measurements: Thin and gangly | | Technical: 7 Blood Type: O | | Body: 3 Favorite Food: Pills, Tablets | | Looks: 3 Least Favorite Food: Vegetables | | Charisma: 7 Hobbies: Joining cults, following orders, | | Cool: 2 chanting mantras, shuffleboard. | | Luck: Bafflingly good. | | Hit Points: 4/4 | | Mana: 12/53 | | AC: 4 | | | | Abilities: | | -easily brainwashed and/or converted | | -knowledgeable in the workings of many different Gods | | -easily trained | | -terrific computer skills | | | | Can chant in four different tongues. | | Cannot be reasoned with. | | Edible, but dry. And there's hardly any meat on his bones anyway. | | Seriously, I mean it. You're better off eating a lobster than you are eating | | this guy. | | Tap for conversion. | | | | Background: | | Diff was born into a cultist family. | | His mother was a member of three different cults before settling down and | | raising a family with Diff's father, an entry-level clerk with the Yakuza. | | At the age of seven, Diff joined a school club dedicated to hunting down | | and burning suspected witches. | | He left that club at the age of eight to join a group of his friends who | | were planning on throwing themselves off a nearby bridge when the blue moon | | occured, in order to be taken away by the aliens. | | Diff was later found in the river and taken care of by a large family of | | gypsies, who he stayed with for three months before being converted to | | Satanism for the first time. | | Diff would later go on to join thirty different cults, supernatural groups, | | occult convents and religious communes, not counting his converting to | | Satanism twelve more times, before he settled on the religion and belief | | system that he has stayed with for the past two years of his life, and the | | one which he believes is *really* the one for him this time. | | I am talking, of course, about Lavosism. | +------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ "Finally, the glory of Lavos will be known to all!" cried Diff, standing proudly inside a large circle of candles that had been arranged down in the sub-sub-subsubbasement of Heart Heart High. "And with Lavos and I working together, the world will be powerless to stop my reign!" Aki Villyn cackled evilly, standing next to Diff. "Oh, great Lavos, how I have waited for you to finally rise from within the Earth and claim your rightful position as lord of all you survey!" Diff called as he diligently went through the summoning rituals. "You kids gonna be long?" the janitor asked, leaning against the open door. "Not long, sir," Aki said politely. "Yeah. Lavos should be here any minute now," Diff said politely. The janitor snorted. "Yeah, right. Boy, can I ask you something?" "Sure." The janitor crossed his arms. "Weren't you the one who spent all last year babblin' about how yer Lavos fella was finally goin'ta take over? How, seein' as how it was 1999 A.D., any day now it was gonna be the 'Day of Lavos'? What happened to that?" Diff looked sheepish. "Well... you know." Aki gave Diff a cold glare. "Do you mean to tell me that Lavos, the great destroyer of worlds who will give me the power to allow me to obtain all of my goals, is *late*?" "Well... I'm sure he has a *very* good reason," Diff said, scratching the back of his head nervously. Aki put her hands on her hips. "Swell," she said. "Look, kids," the janitor said, "I told the principal that I was gonna clean up in here before lunch. You gonna be done by then?" Aki was about to say something that would no doubt have been very unkind when the entire building began to vibrate. "He's coming!" Diff cheered. "Lavos is coming! Lavos is coming!" --- And somewhere, deep within the Earth, something awakened. We'd tell you what, but we don't exactly want to be *spoonfeeding* you with this story, do we? I mean, really. Three guesses. --- AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, you know, I *could* give all of you an explanation for what I wrote. But I don't really, well, have one. So, in lieu of original Author's Notes, I think I'll just wuss out and post what David Kelk wrote in *his* Author's Notes back when he, you know, CREATED THE STORY. ^_^ "This is supposed to be a ZANY COMEDY, so don't worry about intricate plot and character development. Just type whatever comes into your mind until you collapse and die from exhaustion." Well, I can do *that*. So I did. Well, okay, I'm not quite *dead* yet. But the impro I started is nearly there, and that's good enough for me. Well, that's not *good*, but... ah, hell, you know what I mean. ^_^ Thanks for proofreading go to... erm... nobody. Sorry, folks. Kinda lost track of time, y'know? ^_^; I freely apologize for this not really being the best chapter I've ever written. Or the longest chapter. Or the chapter with the most plot, come to think of it. But, hey! At least I *tried*, right? RIGHT? GUYS? ^^ And so, I turn the next chapter over to... you know... whoever doesn't skip next. Good luck, whoever! *You* get to follow the chapter written by the absolute *nobody*! ^^ -MMK (multimediocreknight@yahoo.com)