[W4 walks onstage.] W4: Good evening, ladies, gentlemen and other various gendered beings of the Improcommunity. I am W4, and tonight, on this very special episode of "Girls with Guns," I, W4, will provide you with an invaluable "Girls with Guns" resource. I proudly present to you "The ABCs of 'Girls with Guns.'" */ \* Girls with Guns Originally created by [DAVID KELK] This chapter written by W4 Chapter -42,666.135: The ABCs of "Girls with Guns." */ \* [W4 pulls out a piece of paper and clears his throat.] [A giant gold "A" flashes behind W4.] W4: "A" is for Aika, a cute girl with more weaponery than the entire cast of Doom. "A" is also for Aki, daughter of Nemesis Serendipity Villyn and the impro character that you all want to sleep with. You know it's true. [stares at the camera with red eyes, speaks darkly] I can read your mind, mortals. [reverts to normal] [A giant gold "B" flashes behind W4.] W4: "B" is for Becky, another cute girl with far more weaponery than is possibly healthy. She also has three personalities: regular, extra crispy and if-you-keep-making-that-face-it-will-freeze-that-way. [A giant gold "C" flashes behind W4.] W4: "C" is for Calli, newtmistress supreme. She can do things with newts that mere mortals could only dream about. [A giant gold "D" flashes behind W4.] W4: "D" is for... [A giant photo of David Kelk appears behind W4. He drops to one knee and gestures to the picture. A church choir comes out and sings to the tune of "Halleleujah!"] W4: Mr. David Kelk, the brilliant genius that started this series! CHORUS: [sings] MR. DAVE KELK! MR. DAVE KELK! MR. DAVE KELK! MISTER. DAVE KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELK! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEN! [The chorus leaves, and W4 stands upright. The photo of David is replaced with a gold "E."] W4: "E" is for evil entities like Cthulthu, Shub-Niggurath, and Can of Spam, all which have had appearances in this impro. These appearances usually precede said entities getting monkey-spanked like the gobs of protoplasmic crap that they are. [A giant gold "F" appears behind W4.] W4: "F" is for "frenetic," which best describes the pace of the story. The protagonists rarely eat, rarely sleep, and not once have they ever used the restroom (except for Sofixupia, who used the Little Demoness' Room). Talk about dedication. "F" is also for format. GwG authors, don't forget to format your parts. Also, go ahead and format your hard drives while you're at it. [pause] Oh, don't look at me like that. It's going to crash in a week's time anyways, so you might as well get it over with. [A giant gold "G" appears behind W4.] W4: "G" is for girls. "G" is for guns. "G" is for gagookily gifflezyduns. "G" is for... [ROE dashes onstage.] ROE: Woof... no Seuss. W4: [pouts] Not even a bit? Not even a dash? Not even a rickerly boomberbinash? ROE: [sternly] NO... SEUSS. [W4 nods and sighs. ROE walks offstage purposely. A giant gold "H" appears behind W4.] W4: "H" is for hentai, and there's LOTS of it. Becky and Aika make out, Anniki and Sakura have a fanservice contest, Sofia becomes a soul-sucking nymphomaniac, just about every version of Aki turn into your normal, everyday nymphomaniacs, Kasumi Tendo does the horizontal hokey-pokey with Kamiversal Jack, and do I REALLY need to go in-depth about Mad Pecker-Kamen? [W4 blushes as a giant gold "I" appears behind W4.] W4: "I" before "E" except after "C." This could save your life someday, kiddies. [A giant gold "J" appears behind W4.] W4: "J" is for Jon. [confused] Or is it John? [pause] John? Streith? Jon? Evans? [holds his head and grits his teeth for several seconds. He jerks his head up and shouts] Oh, whatever! "J" is for Johnathon Strevans! [A semi-morphed picture of Jonatan Streith and John Evans combined appears behind W4. After a few seconds, this is replaced by a giant gold "K."] W4: [reverting to normal] "K" is for the King in Yellow, which was NOT part of the story at any point. It was a running gag along the lines of... [TEAM ROCKET flies past the stage, looking rather charred.] TEAM ROCKET: YARA KANJI! W4: [bigsweats] Yeah. Like that. [A giant gold "L" appears behind W4 as Team Rocket blasts off again.] W4: "L" is for laughs. That's why people read this. People read it to laugh. [nervously] People absolutely, positively do not read it because it's actually an intricate code in which a few key authors plot to use ICBMs to destroy EVERY LAST PENGUIN ON THE WORLD! KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL, DAMN YOU! AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! [W4 takes a few deep breaths and drinks several glasses of water as a giant gold "M" appears behind him.] W4: "M" is for murder one. Aika and Becky do that a lot. They're outright criminals, you know. They're wanted in just about every country on the planet for charges ranging from Snoring Too Loud to Singlehandedly Wiping Out An Entire Race. Kids, don't try this at home. [A giant gold "N" appears behind W4.] W4: "N" is for... [The stage turns into a giant dance floor. Lights flash. Random impro characters and authors dance in the background as a karaoke version of Limp Bizkit's "Nookie" plays int the background. W4 pulls out a microphone and starts to groove.] [* Should I have backup/co-singers and/or rappers? *] [CHORUS] W4: The [NOOKIE!] The [NOOKIE!] The "N" is for the [NOOKIE!] If you knew that all along, Help yourself to a [COOKIE!] I've been loony for a while So I'm far from a [ROOKIE!] And I know that "N"'s for the [NOOKIE!] [8 beats of groove-thang-shaking.] W4: I've been chillin' down here for a year and a half 'Cause I found this URL that was good for a laugh. Before too long, I was typing away Trying to finish my part before the seventh day! I busted my rhymes and I busted my fanny For GwG! For H!F!, FW, and IP! But now Indie Madnesse is where I hang my hat With Mervyn the Wonder Slug. He's all that And a bag of chips! He's badder than the Sith! Syrian Stories is amusing and run by Miss Myth And Stephica, a pure slice of heaven! Or go to BtR which is run by John Evans Where the Sun Bursts weekly and the Stakes are High! And Blue Nothing Impros are run by that Yun guy Who spends some time with the KSP When he rushes to GMCA ASAP. But when I want to get all rough and tumble, I hang with my e-pals at the Octagon Rumble! Wherever you go, and whatever you write, You know that one thing is right... [CHORUS] W4: The "N" is for the [NOOKIE!] The [NOOKIE!] The "N" is for the [NOOKIE!] But don't try it in Star Wars 'Cause Chewbacca is a [WOOKIE!] "Blue Lagoon" is a movie That's Starring Shields [BROOKIE!] And I know- [ROE runs onstage with a megaphone.] ROE: [over megaphone] STOP, STOP, STOP! [All singing, dancing and rapping stop. W4, however, is still trying to jam.] ROE: [looks at W4, turns megaphone off] Woof... Woof... Woof! W4: [turns to ROE] Yeah? ROE: "Shields [BROOKIE]?" [rolls eyes] W4: What's wrong with "Shields [BROOKIE]?" ROE: Woof... that's just... bad. That's REALLY bad. Just... just don't do that again, okay? W4: [nods] Okay. [to the rest of the partiers] KICK IT! [The music and dancing begins anew.] W4: "N" is for the [NOOKIE!] The [NOOKIE!] The "N" is for the [NOOKIE!] Roe came rushing out Because he thinks I made [MISTOOKIE!] ROE: [over megaphone] STOP, STOP, STOP! [The music and dancing stops again.] W4: [crosses arms] What now? ROE: [sighs] "[MISTOOKIE]?" W4: Yeah! [MISTOOKIE!] ROE: What's next? Magical Do-[GOOKIE]? W4: [shakes head] Not for another four verses. ROE: [sighs] You know what? Just... just go to the next letter. W4: [semi-whiny] Aw, c'mon! I'm just getting jiggy with it, biznotch! ROE: Woof, you've got 12 letters to go. You don't want to burn out, do you? [to the other partiers] Okay, take five, people. We're filming the giant FF:L death scene in the next lot, so start getting ready. [to W4] No more rapping. W4: Damn. Well, can I do Seuss, then? ROE: NO SEUSS FOR YOU! W4: [gulps, sighs] Fine. [ROE and the partiers leave, leaving W4 alone. A giant gold "O" appears behind W4.] W4: "O" is for off-cultural references like Woodsy the Owl, Monty Python, Beowulf and Spam. Collect them all before you have to pay $50 for them at DAPY! [A giant gold "P" apears behind W4.] W4: "P" is for plot. GwG doesn't have one of these. "P" is also for Philip Barkow. Oddly enough, GwG has eight of these. We're still trying to figure out how that works. [A giant gold "Q" appears behind W4.] W4: "Q" is for... [thinks] ...for... [thinks some more] the [QUOOKIE!] The [QUOOKIE!] The "Q" is for the- [ROE rushes onstage and mallets W4.] ROE: NO LIMP BIZKIT FOR YOU! [W4, now a nice pancake shape, whimpers as ROE leaves. W4 pops up and looks in frustration at the giant gold "Q."] W4: "Q" is for... aw, hell. "Q" is for the Quoolite, the fortress in the old Atari game "Yars' Revenge." There. There's the obligatory OCR. But we all know that the "Q" is for... well, YOU know. [A giant gold "R" appears behind W4.] W4: "R" is for Ramsbottom, another irritating cameo character that briefly appeared in GwG. Unfortunately, he didn't get pudding-ized here. We're still working on it. [A giant gold "S" appears behind W4.] W4: "S" is for Sunshine. Mr. Sunshine, that is. He had a crush on Becky, and now he's dead. There's an obvious moral to this, folks. "S" also stands for "Screw Your Neighbor," a prospect introduced in "You Don't Know Jack" quiz games and ported over to GwG. [pause] ...what? You thought I WANTED to write a part in a Gaelic dialect? [A giant gold "T" appears behind W4.] W4: "T" is for tenure, which Aika and Becky have. There's no getting rid of them. None whatsoever. [sobs] I tried. Really, I did. But they kept coming back! BACK, I SAY! THEY JUST... WOULDN'T... STAY... DEAD! WHY, GOD? WHY? [W4 hastily recomposes himself as a giant gold "U" appears behind him.] W4: "U" is for underage, which is exactly what Aika, Becky and Aki are. So stop fantasizing about them, you lecherous canker sores on the butt of humanity. "U" is also for the Undertaker, an American Badass(tm) that got his bad ass kicked by Nemesis Serendipity Villyn. I'm. Just. Saying. [A giant gold "V" appears behind W4.] W4: "V" is for velociraptors. I don't know why. It just is. [A giant gold "W" appears behind W4.] W4: "W" is for "WHAT THE--?!?", the exclamation most commonly associated with readers' reactions to GwG parts. Y'know... like what you just said a few paragraphs back. [A giant gold "X" appears behind W4.] W4: "X" is the symbol that signifies a kiss. So whenever a GwG author uses the letter "x," that author is actually giving you a great, big kiss on the lips. That's because we appreciate you taking the time to read this, and we love every single one of you. [points to a random person] Except for you. You smell funny. [A giant gold "Y" appears behind W4.] W4: "Y" is for yarfle. YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE YARFLE! [A pause] W4: Okay. I lied. I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. "Y" is actually for yelling, and for several reasons. The characters in GwG yell. The authors yell when they realize that they have two hours to finish their parts. The readers yell "WHAT THE--?!?" when they read it. Go reread the "W" section if need be. And Roe yells if an author decides to be evil and not format his/her part. So format, format, format. [A giant gold "Z" appears behind W4.] W4: "Z" is for Zereth, who is actually the plot of GwG. He works closely... VERY CLOSELY... with Anfourthy. Talk about your job satisfaction. "Z" is also for zits. I say this because both Aika and Becky have big, disgusting ones on the top of their toes. That's the REAL reason they wear boots all of the time. [W4 takes a deep breath.] W4: And that concludes "The ABCs of GwG." I hope you found this informative, or at the very least a way to pass the time. Thanks go to NeoVid, Jonatan, Wanderer and MMK for words of encouragement. Philip Barkow, he of the ursine avatar and the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Hentai Hunter Gaia" fanclubs is up next. The plot may advance in his part. Or it may not. I don't know about that. But there's one thing I do know... [The music starts again, and the dance starts anew.] W4: That "N" is for the [NOOKIE!] The [NOOKIE!] The "N" is for the [NOOKIE!] If you cross the street carelessly, You'll get hit by a mack [TROOKIE!] [holds up a sign that reads "http://wonderslug.scriptmania.com/indie/indie.html"] Go to Indie Madnesse And sign up for Scarlett [MOOKIE!] And you'll know that "N" is for [NOOKIE!]