Meanwhile, women with huge-- What? Wrong story? Oh, okay. Outside Heart Heart High, the battle raged. It was the great battle between a champion of light against the vilest of blackguards. Sparks flew as Spam's sharp sword collided with Pecker Kamen's meaty... blade. [How can you even consider wielding that?] Spam not-said, jumping out of the way. [Have you no honor of the old ways?] "You're one to speak of honor. HYAH!" He swiped with his wiener. "Meat will be the end of you, fiend!" [I am meat incarnate!] Spam bellowed, as much as you can bellow with signs. Suddenly, it tackled Pecker Kamen, cutting his knees out from under him. The hero landed on his rear, losing the grip of his weapon. "No! How can this be?!" He tried to retrieve his weapon, but his legs were pinned by the weight of Spam. [Foolish hero. Already people across the world praise me as a source of nutrition. And when evil is recognised as good...] At this point, the can seemed to almost smirk. [...darkness has won.] "NOOO!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alsi ku nushi ilani mushiti Itti kunu alsi mushitum kallatum kattumtum --------------------------------------------------------------------------- GIRLS WITH GUNS or The Day When All Plots Die The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Started By: David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca (Praise be!) This chapter by Jonatan Streith, who has small dogs in his hair. Sorry 'bout that. Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://www.improfanfic.com/ Sponsored by RKO Episode Nine: Nanika ooyoso nihongo NOTE: If you lived here, you'd be home by now. WARNING: This fanfic contains hidden passages of the Necronomicon. Your sanity may be compromised. "'Motivation?' you may say. 'I've seen Tony Robbins. I've been to firewalking seminars. How can you possibly motivate me?'. First off, stop asking questions! That's *my* gig. And second, I'll let you walk on a burning Tony Robbins." --Questionarre, 'The Japanese Beetle' --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ssalmani-ia ana pagri tapqida duppira Ssalmani-ia ana pagri taxira duppira --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Abruptly, ZerPlotty leapt out of the shadows. "Haha! Hey! I resized you!" the shamelessly SI'd one bellowed. "How can you even THINK about taking this story in another direction than the one intended by - argh, argh, arggh..." While the being who would have been the physical representation of the plot, had not a certain author, yes, the one at the keyboard RIGHT NOW, used the forgotten teachings of Authorjutsu to restart the story at an early chapter and made everything happening after that void and nonexistent (including ZerPlotty's ascension to Plothood), ranted, the Spam stabbed him repeatedly. Rendered full with plotholes, ZerPlotty died. "Man, I know how that feels," Kyo Kusanagi said. Then a shot rang out from the nearby grassy knoll, and Kyo died as well. "That's gotta hurt," ElRutt muttered. A falling safe promptly crushed him. [Anyone else?] Spam said, scratching its forehead. Um, except it didn't say anything, have a forehead to scratch, or even anything to scratch the nonexistent bodypart with. But never mind that now. While it was distracted by the gratuitious dead (as opposed to the Grateful Dead, who were nowhere near the place), Pecker Kamen snuck up behind it and kicked its tin-plated keiser to kingdom come, followed by Pecker Kamen clutching his stubbed toe and saying things that I can't mention here. Fortunately I was able to hire someone who could. "@%%@%$#ing little #$^@#!#@ing #@^@#$*%#$@," Pretty Captain Cotton-Shot explained." Thank you. Returning our hands to the story... I mean, returning to the story at hand, Chocoborochi decided to make his presence known. "[WARK!]" Not getting the attention he requested, the avian god of the Void belched out a ball of purple flame. It hit Pecker Kamen directly in the face, but fortunately his mask was only somewhat crisped, meaning that his identity remained secret still. Frazzled and shocked, he exclaimed intelligibly, "Whu?" "WARK!" Eyes glowing ominously, Chocoborochi tilted his head to the side, indicating... the site next to the school. The very site Spam was soaring down towards. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #596-D: Toxic Waste Facility Full name: Triple-Leg Larry's Toxic Waste Storage Facility And Grill Designation: Storage facility for toxic, chemical and radioactive waste, and hamburger bar. Slogan: "Over 3,000,000 mutilated!" Cost to upkeep: 450 copper commons Growth rate: Low No sprog with right mouse button. Tap for glowing mana. Please keep noise down. Mutilated monsters are often closer than they appear. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a wet *splut* as the Spam landed somewhere inside the facility. "[[WARK.]]" "You must be exaggerating," Pecker Kamen complained. "Those things only happen in cartoons." A shadow fell over them. It was very, very big. "Okay, maybe not," Pecker Kamen corrected himself. "WOHEEHO?" Chocoborochi suggested. "I'm ahead of you already." The unlikely duo promptly did like a tree and got the hell out of there. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE FIRST GATE...THE GATE OF NANNA CALLED SIN THE SECOND GATE..THE GATE OF NEBO --------------------------------------------------------------------------- *RRRINGGG!* Becky picked it up. "Becky Anderson, hello?" "...op me." "You filthy pervert! I TOLD you I didn't want to hear from you again!" *CLICK* *BLAM!* Aika looked up, seeing Becky... hang up the phone. "That's the third one this week. Who was it?" "Some creep who keeps bothering me..." Becky sat down at the table and tried again to make sense of The Plan (tm). "So how did this go again?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #34-Alpha: The Plan Designation: The plan to kidnap Dark Queen Uzume. Type: Key item. Value: 13 Gil. Special: Inedible. Requires INT 7 to use. Printed on recycled paper. Can be Used as an Item to cause Papercut. Tap to make a hole. Comment: The Plan was formed by Aika. It doesn't make much sense. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "...and after we've moved the ice cream truck into position, we move around the back. This is the bit where you have to wear the bunny suit--" "Why do I have to wear a bunnysuit, anyway?" Becky interrupted. "We need to distract the guards, silly. Now--" "But I can shoot them instead. Isn't that easier?" A vein on Aika's forehead started to bulge. "Look, that's not the point. Cloud Strife could easily have slain Corneo's guards in FF7 with that big sword of his, but he still had to go through that whole 'dress up as a girl' routine. You'll have to do things the proper way." She gesticulated angrily. "But that was just a game." "And?" "Never mind. But why me?" Becky complained. "Fine, fine." Aika waved her hands dismissively. "Then I'll wear the bunnysuit and you... you wear the aardvark suit." "This is just for fanfic service, isn't it?" "Fanservice." "That too." Becky sighed. "So after we get into the studio, we use the glue bombs?" "No, we save the bombs in case of an emergency situation. After we get into the studio, we use the grappling hook." Becky looked dubiously at the heavy metal item lying on the floor. It looked very heavy and not at all very grappling. "...how?" "Never mind that right now. And then we breach the inner wall with the dynamite, nab Queen Uzume, and escape with the pocket jet packs." "Yes..." Becky nodded. "I was going to ask you about those. Are you sure that they will work? The Finn *was* putting those on discount, after all." "Has the Finn ever failed us in his duties?" Aika smiled widely. "Yes, several times." "I was speaking figuratively." Becky sighed. "Let's just get this over with." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- IA! IA! ZI AZAG! IA!IA! ZI AZKAK! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Slowly, the Quarterback opened his eyes. "Wh... where am I?" Gaia looked up from her work, eyes fiery. "Flidais!" "THOU SHALT NOT CALL ME FLIDAIS!" the former uberperv bellowed, leaping at his employer... who simply sidestepped, tripped him up, and sent him crashing through a conveniently-located burning table. "Ow ow ow! I'm on fire!" "Shut up. I thought I told you to sedate the Dodgers daily?" Flidais patted out the last flames and tried to dust the ash off of him. "Well, I got distracted by this really neat doujinshi..." "You got distracted... right." Gaia resisted the urge to kick her fallen sidekick in the side, and instead kicked a still-smoldering piece of wood. "Never mind. It's time for the next step." Flidais got to his feet. "The next step?" "As I told you before..." Gaia narrowed her eyes, a cruel smile forming on her lips. "...to eliminate Aika and Becky." "So... is this when you use the weapon?" Gaia was about to reply, but paused. She really didn't like using the weapon more than necessary... but against these opponents, it might be the only thing necessary. They certainly were deadly enough... "Yes, I'll require the weapon." "Great!" Flidais ambled over to a cabinet and extracted a black duffel. "Got it right here!" "Good. Let's go, Flidais." "Thou--" Flidais began. Gaia gave him a Look (tm). "...yes, mistress." They left the hideout, locking the door behind them. "Um..." said the Quarterback. "Could someone tell me what's going on?" Nothing. "Uhh... okay." Shrugging, the muscular man decided to count his toes. This took some time. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- GIBIL GASHRU UMUNA YANDURU TUSHTE YESH SHIR ILLANI U MA YALKI! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Several cloaked figures exited Indie Madnesse Studios, boarding a black limo. The limo pulled out of the lot. Across the street, Aika lowered her binoculars. "Perfect. Now is our chance to strike." Adjusting her bunny ears, she turned to her companion. "Ready?" Becky shivered, and not just from tension. Where did Aika GET this outfit, the Playboy Mansion? It was scanty and furry and tight and showed off stuff they don't even mention over at Syrian Stories, that's how scanty it was. Quickly removing the small tag reading "RRR 1" that hung from her hip, she nodded. "I suppose. It's COLD in this outfit!" Quickly making their way across the street and into the lot, Aika was about to knock on the door when it was suddenly thrown open. Fortunately, due to the laws of drama not allowing attractive main characters getting hurt for slapstick while wearing scanty outfits, none of the girls were struck by it. However Kyo Kusanagi, out on a coffee break, was crushed behind it. "Hello?" Aika tried. "Hah!" A business-suited figure leapt out of the darkness. "She thought she could fool me again? This is the--" The bishounen suddenly noticed the two girls, and blinked. "Are they filming a Playmate Special here?" "No, we're from..." Aika lit up. "Avon! Avon calling!" "Really?" He looked at them closely (wouldn't you?). "Odd dresscode these days..." He smiled. "So what do you have to offer? I could use some more skin softener, some hand oil..." "Eh-heh-heh..." Becky laughed nervously. "Unfortunately all our supplies were... stolen!" She smiled insanely. "Yes! They were stolen by... rabid girl scouts!" Aika felt her heart sink. "Again?" The bishounen shook his head, and flicked a small card out of his pocket, offering it to Aika. "Shiryo, Dark Litigator. If they manage to catch those girl scouts, I'd be willing to represent you." Aika felt her heart return to its normal location. "Wow, thanks. That's very generous of you, Mr. Shiryo..." She put away the small card somewhere in her outfit, which was quite a feat in itself, let me tell you. He waved dismissively. "Think nothing of it. And please, don't let my sister out of the locker. Well, I've got to go now. SHOZUU!" And he took off. "Say, why did you take your shoes off?" Becky asked. "Never mind that," Shiryo dismissed. And then he was off and away, soon to be little more than a speck on the horizon. "Odd guy," Becky commented. Aika nodded. "Yeah, but you have to admit he was a rwal WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT?!?" Becky turned to look. And stared, her eyes wider than saucers (anime has its perks). For towering against the skyline, dwarfing the ever-present Tokyo Tower with its presence, was a huge, towering, gigantic, gargantuan mass of... "...spam?" [And I'm going to destroy the world, too!] the monstrosity said with a sign. Aika sighed. "Well, there goes the dramatic tension." [I try.] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- KAKKAB U ALAP SHAME (KINGU) RE'U KINU SHAME U --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Author's song: Hitomi wo tojite omoidashite hoshii namida to hohoemi no aida ni kibou ga aru koto wo yume wo wasurezu ni sabishisa ni taete yuku kanarazu anata ni aeru koto shinjite kitto kaze wa oozora no hirosa wo shiranai donna hi demo kimagureni kumowo chirashi ame wa hokobi kokoro madowasu Dakedo kono yo ni tatta hitori no anata ga subete donna ni tooku hanarete mo kokoro wa hitotsu sa dakara kono yo ni tatta hitori no anata ga subete donna ni asu ni mayotte mo ai dake tsuzukerusa Ma ma magical la la la labyrinth! Thanks to Steven Scougall for the title. All the Necronomicon snippets are genuine, but incomplete to prevent... accidents. See ya! "Destruction Dojo - schooling you in Kaiju-Jutsu!"