Our two heroines, dressed like escapees from Hugh Hefner's Asylum, were last seen gazing in shock at the Largest Round Tin Of Sentient Meat Byproduct That Ever Existed. "Becky, what do we do?" Aika asked her partner, panic slowly rising in her chest. "What we usually do," BA-3 replied, pulling out her twin handguns from her trenchcoat. Yes, her alternate persona's outfit chose that moment to make an appearance right now, covering her up quite conservatively and nicely. No fanservice for you, fanboys. (And fangirls too. I can see you drooling over there.) "Blast that spam into dust!" Aika nodded, pulling out her guns from... well, somewhere in her outfit I won't mention to keep you interested. "'Kay," she replied cheerily, accentuating her response with a lively bounce that emphasized the right places. And there was fanservice. Yay. [Foolish little girls!] The Towering Monstrosity Formerly Known As The Can Of Spam glowered as the two girls backed away in fear. [You Cannot Defenstrate Me!] Aika was almost in tears. "No no no..." "Damn," Becky clenched her teeth. "This is it... we're done for." [Prepare to be SPAMMED!!!] "Becky?" Aika turned to her friend. "I want to tell you something really really really very important..." Becky nodded to Aika in understanding. "Aika... I want to tell you something too, before..." At this moment, Spamzilla took a step forward. However, The Giant Can wasn't watching where he was going, and so he tripped over a telephone pole. Spamzilla toppled over. Aika mouthed the words, "I lo..." to Becky when the sky went dark. ............................Aika............................ GIRLS WITH GUNS or What Happened When Third Impact Hits This Chibi-Impro The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Started By: David Kelk, This Chapter By: Signus Megido, The Surreal Author Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://www.improfanfic.com Episode (62-42)/2 : Impro Instrumentality, Side A(ika) Dedicated to: Woofer-sama, who wanted to get rid of the mascots badly. ...Sorry, W4. Ain't happening today. ^_^ ............................Aika............................ It was dark. Aika couldn't see or hear anything. She felt that quite some time had passed already from where she sat. In hindsight, she realized that she was closing her eyes the whole time, and opened them. It was still dark, though. "So this is what it feels to be dead..." Aika sighed sadly, then started in surprise and the sound of her own voice. "Waitaminute... if this is the afterlife, why can I still talk?" She raised an arm up and gingerly clenched and unclenched her hand. Although she couldn't see anything, she could feel her hand opening and closing. "I can still move..." Taking a deep breath, she tried shouting. "HEY! IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN HEAR ME?!? HELLO! HEY!" Silence. "...Great," Aika slumped her shoulders. "Now I'm starting to talk to myself. That's Becky's schtick..." WE CAN HERE YOU QUITE CLEARLY, AIKA. "Gah!" Aika fell over. "What the...?" *AHEM*, PLEASE KINDLY RETURN TO YOUR SEAT SO WE CAN BEGIN THIS SEGMENT, PLEASE. Grumbling to herself, Aika groped about in the dark, in search for her chair. WE CAN HEAR WHAT YOU ARE SAYING QUITE CLEARLY, AIKA. "I can't win," she sighed, finding her chair and proceeding to sit on it. SHALL WE BEGIN? "Fine, fine..." she replied dourly. "Get on with whatever peverted program that you planned." THE CASE OF AIKA. "AIKA?" THAT'S IT?!? YES, WHAT ABOUT IT? DOESN'T SHE HAVE A LAST NAME? DOES IT MATTER? ...POINT. SHALL WE CONTINUE...? A bright spotlight suddenly shone on Aika from up above. She quickly covered her eyes from the glare. PART 1. Blinking furiously, Aika shielded her eyes from the bright spotlight and looked around. She found herself sitting on a solitary chair in the middle of a raised platform that seemed to be a stage. Behind her was what looked like a white projection screen. THE MAGICAL GIRL HUNTER. THE CONSORT OF CHAOS. THE UNCUTE VIGILANTE. An unseen projector began to play images on the white screen. After watching them for a moment, Aika realized that the images are scenes of herself in action, both as herself and as Pretty Deadly. "Just peachy..." Aika pouted as she tried to make out the figures in the darkened hall sitting in the audience section. "I'm in the Theater of Pain." ............................Aika............................ It wasn't the usual day in Heaven. Granted, the concept of a "usual day" does not apply to either Heaven or this chibi-impro, but let's not think too hard on that subject. Anyway, the current God was busy at something of outmost importance when one of Her angels burst into the dining room. "My Lord!" The angel huffed and puffed, trying to catch his breath as he knelt in front of God, who was seated at the head of the table with a mountain of food piled atop it. "There's... an emergency!" "*MUNCH!* *CRUNCH!* *MUNCH!* Do you *CHOMP!* mind?!?" Lina Inverse, the current God, replied while stuffing herself. "Can't you *MUNCH!* see *GULP!* I'm busy?!?" "End... Of... World..." The angel wheezed, finally catching his breath. Lina paused. "What?" she asked in a dangerous tone. The angel gulped. "My Lord," he squeaked, "the world had just been destroyed by an unforseen disaster. Now all the souls are crowding at the Pearly Gates..." "Me-dammit!" Lina stood up. "They dare interrupt me during my most important quality time? I'm getting to the bottom of this..." ............................Aika............................ The projector stopped playing. The Voices murmured among themselves. PERSONALITY DISORDER. Aika glared at the unseen audience. "What are you talking about? I'm a perfectly normal girl, thankyouverymuch." AS PERFECTLY NORMAL AS ANY GIRL WITH A MAGICAL GIRL TRANSFORMATION, AN UNHEALTHY OBSESSION FOR MILITARY HARDWARE AND THE COMPULSION TOWARDS OBLITERATION OF ANYTHING THAT CAN BE CONSIDERED CUTE. "So?" Aika crossed her arms. "Everyone has to have their own interests, after all." WHAT ABOUT YOI? "...What about him?" Aika squeaked, thrown off-balance by the sudden change in the questioning. DON'T YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM? "...What are you talking about?" The projector played again. 'He held my in his arms and told me he loved me, and fool that I was I believed him.' Aika's eyes widened. "No..." 'He gave me a gun and told me to stay put, and naive as I was I trusted him.' Aika shook her head, but the images still continued. "That's not true..." 'He lusted after an interdimensional creature and told me he loved me, and idiot I was I did not doubt him.' "That's a lie!" Aika covered her ears, but the images can still be heard. "That didn't happen!" 'He pointed a gun at me and asked me why I was here, and desperate as I was I told him.' "STOP IT!" Aika squeezed her eyes shut, but the images can still be seen. "Get out of my head!" 'He held me in her arms and kissed me, and fool that I was I thought he loved me.' "Why..." Aika felt the tears fall down her face. "Why are you all doing this? What did I do to deserve this?" The images stopped. Aika was left sobbing on her chair while the Voices conferred among themselves. ............................Aika............................ Lina-kamisama appeared right at the Pearly Gates and took a look around for herself. The angel wasn't kidding when he said a mass of humanity was gathered here. "Look! There she is!" A voice in the multitude shouted. As one, the massed tide of humanity turned towards her. What really shocked Lina was the uncensored sight of Pecker Kamen who was at the forefront of the rushing wave. "Eek!" Forgetting her divine status for a moment once again, Lina reflexively cast the most destructive spell in her repetoire as a response. "ME SLAVE!" To those who haven't read RRR2, you should stop here and go read it for a full, concise description of Lina's most powerful spell, then come back here to continue. To those who have read RRR2, you should be familiar with the amazing amount of special effects used in the creation of that spell, and the extent of it's power. Needless to say, being cut, sliced, diced, folded, spindled, stapled, fried, freezed, flattened, hammered, and the target of several Ultima spells was less painful. Without sounding redundant, it's good to be God. "Whoops..." Lina apologized at the gathering mountain of etherial dust, which was what remained of all the souls after a liberal appication of her ultimate spell. She turned to Saint Peter's Rooster, who stood atop the podium at the side of Heaven's Door. "Where's Saint Peter?" St. Peter's Rooster, who was busy chatting with the cast of Chicken Run, turned to The Lord. "He took a vacation along with the Heaven's cast of the Chosen Warriors." A knot of tension appeared on Lina's forehead. "Great. Just great." Lina summoned another angel at Her presence. "How was the world destroyed, and why wasn't I informed of it earlier?" The angel was visibly nervous. "Ah... er... you wouldn't believe it..." he stuttered. "Try me." "A Giant Can of Spam." Lina blinked at that. "What?" "A Giant Can of Spam rolled over the planet," the angel clarified. "..." "Several times." "...O-kay..." Lina massaged her aching forehead. "This is annoying. I'll have to fix things again. Where's Jack and Kasumi, anyway? I thought I left them in charge of this impro?" "...Um, they delegated that task to Zerplotty and Anfourthy before going off somewhere to make out," the angel replied, clearly uncomfortable with the answer. "And where are Zerplotty and Anfourthy?" Lina demanded. "After the Can of Spam filled the plot with holes, he decided to take a break himself and went off with the Fourth Wall to, er, 'get some...'" he mumbled the last word. "What? I can't hear you." "'[NOOKIE]'." "Figures why we can talk about the story without problems," Lina shook her head, then asked. "What about the SIs? Where are they now, anyway?" The angel silently pointed to the mound of Me Slaved dust. "Oh. I guess they're not so tough now, are they?" ............................Aika............................ WHY DO YOU FIGHT? Aika, tears streaming down her face, raised her head. WHY DO YOU FIGHT? "I don't know..." she replied. "I don't know anymore." DO YOU WISH TO BE HAPPY? "...yes." DO YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY? "Yes..." DO YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY? "YES!" To Aika, the world went a brilliant white. ............................Aika............................ Everything suddenly went dark. "Aika?" A familiar voice called out. Aika opened her eyes. Becky looked down at her. "You're all right! For a moment there I thought I've lost you..." Aika bounced up and smiled back to her partner. "I really really really have thought you're dead too! I'm so so so very glad!" The two slowly, and shyly walked toward each other. After a moment's indecision, they embraced. They were standing on a shoreline, devoid of life save for each other. Behind them, the sun began to set over a flattened landscape, Spamzilla lying half-submerged in the water. "CUT!" The director shouted. "That's a wrap, everyone!" The rest of the cast and crew applauded at the two girls as they bowed in response. "The filming of 'End of GWG' is finally finished," the director grinned happily. "You girls were fantastic! Congratulations!" "Thanks... Yoi!" she ran over and tackled her fellow co-star, who was dressed in a black tux and top hat, to the ground. Gai blushed, grinning at Yuki. "Eheh... er, the film's finished, Ai-chan. Just call me by my real name." Yuki pouted cutely. "But you just called me Aika now, Gai-chan. 'Sides, you're really really really way cool when you play Yoi, not like your usual clumsy clumsy clumsy idiot self." Grinning, Gai scratched the back of himself, not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. "Get a room," Sakura commented dryly. The couple blushed. "Hey," Yuki pointed out, "you're not exactly little Miss Demure there, having Mr. Sunshine and Sophia hanging on your arms." Sakura casually shook off a drowsy Karin and David, who were both leaning rather heavily on each of her shoulders. "Not my fault they worked themselves to an exhaustion," Sakura grinned. "They just don't have the stamina." Both Yuki and Gai involuntarily blushed. "People! People! Your attention please!" Everyone turned to the director. "There's an announcement I'd like to make. Two, actually. Gather around please..." As everyone did so, the director cleared his throat. "First things first... will the real Kyo Kusanagi please stand up?" Several Kyos groaned at that crack. One of them raised his arm. "Here." The director handed him a slip of paper. "You're wanted at Indie Madnesse Studios. You know, the usual. Get to it." "Sucks to be you," Shingo snickered. Kyo shuffled away, sulking. "As for the rest of you..." the director grinned. "For finishing this series, LET'S CELEBRATE! Drinks are on the next author's tab!" Everyone cheered. ............................Aika............................ "What's this?" Aika took a step back, blinking in disbelief at what just happened. "No way..." THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED. "..." THIS IS THE WORLD YOU WANTED. "..." THIS IS THE LIFE YOU WANTED TO LIVE. "..." THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED. "...no." THIS IS... WHAT? "This is wrong. I can't be selfish," Aika took another step back, bumping into someone. Yoi smiled back at her as she turned to him in shock. "What's wrong, Aika? Are you feeling all right?" OPEN YOUR HEART. FREE YOUR MIND. ACCEPT YOURSELF. Aika clutched her head in pain as she knelt on the floor. "Stop it... stop it... STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD!!!" She screamed, screwing her eyes shut. "That's far enough now," a new voice cut through the darkness. Aika opened her eyes, and found herself back on the stage. Someone was now standing beside her. The newcomer was about her height, with flowing long red hair, and she was dressed in a curious ensemble of clothing. If not for her eyes, she would have been about Aika's age. Her eyes belied the wisdom that comes with time. Or one that bore the responsibilities of power. "Who... who are you...?" Aika stuttered. Lina Inverse smiled. "I'm God." Aika groaned. "Great. God is a Magical Girl. I'm gonna burn in Hell for this, am I?" "If you keep that comparison up, yes," Lina growled. "Hey..." Aika thought for a moment, recalling something in the past. "Aren't you Queen-Lina--" "DON'T. MENTION. THAT. AGAIN." "...Okay," Aika squeaked. "Now, where to start with...?" Lina cracked her knuckles. Oddly enough, the Voices have fallen silent. Not that Aika wanted them around to begin with... ............................Aika............................ [Foolish little girls!] The Towering Monstrosity Formerly Known As The Can Of Spam glowered as the two girls backed away in fear. [You Cannot Defenstrate Me!] Aika was almost in tears. "No no no..." "Damn," Becky clenched her teeth. "This is it... we're done for." [Prepare to be SPAMMED!!!] "Becky?" Aika turned to her friend. "I want to tell you something really really really very important..." Becky nodded to Aika in understanding. "Aika... I want to tell you something too, before..." At this moment, Spamzilla took a step forward. However, The Giant Can wasn't watching where he was going, and so he tripped over a telephone pole. Spamzilla toppled over. "Should we fire at it?" Becky asked Aika. "But I don't like guns..." Aika whined. "FIRE!!!" Two familiar voices screamed from behind the two girls. Yuki blinked. "Huh?" "This wasn't in the script..." Sakura scratched her head. As they watched, Aika and Becky opened fire on Spamzilla with their rabbit launchers. The onslaught of weaponry only managed to slow town the Towering Can of Spam's descent, but unfortunately did not stop Spamzilla from coming down. "Aika!" Sakura called out to her friend. "Hey, Sakura, long time no see," Aika replied, replacing another clip on her weapon. "We thought you two were..." Yuki said. "Dead?" Becky replied, quipping. "We've gotten better." For those readers who've just joined us right now, a short exposition is in order: Back in Girls with Guns Part 53 (or was it 54? I'm not so sure right now), the writer, a certain Mad Author who calls himself W4, replaced the title characters in a hurry when they accepted a bit role in a smut film (or was it a video game? the memory escapes me right now) and left the studio at a lurch. [Thank you, Ayame.] "Sorry..." Ayame shuffled out of the fic to collect her cameo fee. Ahem... back to the fight scene at hand: "So, if it's all right for you two, would the both of you either help us shoot it with your guns or please get out of the way?" Aika finished. "Okay!" Both girls got out of the way of firepower the two Girls with Guns rained down on the Spam. "Dammit!" Aika GRITted her teeth. "We couldn't even slow it down!" "Don't worry, you two," Lina appeared behind them. "Leave this one to me..." [Uh, oh...] "FIREBALL!" *FWOOSH!* One roast later, what was left of the Spamzilla was a hunk of oversized cooked meat. [HAH! I STILL LIVE!!!] "Oh really?" Lina licked her lips as she produced a plate and Spork. "I haven't eaten Spam in a while..." [O.O Oh, shi--] God turned to the four girls watching the morbid scene. "Care to join me?" Lina asked. They all looked at each other. "Sure," Aika spoke for all of them. And lo, there was much eating. Turns out that cooking Spam gets rid of all nasty germs, bacteria and radioactive traces that might have caused problems later, so they savored the taste of the meaty goodness of Spam. No fanservice for you though. Yes, I know what you were thinking just now, you perverts. :p ............................Aika............................ Somewhere in Heaven, the Mad Pecker cried. "I'm ruined..." the director cried as well. "I'm not even in this part," The Fourth Wall, lying next to the Plot, whined. Zereth, lying next to Annikki, blissfully slept on, a wode grin permanently plastered on his face. "Well, at least *someone* got some [NOOKIE] for this episode," Calli commented rhetorically. ............................Aika............................ "Flidais! Will you hurry up! We'll miss this opportunity to destroy the Girls with Guns once and for all if we delay any more!" "DON'T CALL ME FLI--*THWAP!*--ow." Gaia shook her head. "This joke is getting old." ............................Aika............................ WELL, THAT WAS A BUST. YOU SAID IT. FACE IT, WE HAVE FAILED. NOT REALLY. THE IMPRO INSTRUMENTALITY WAS ONLY DELAYED, NOTHING MORE. SO... WHAT NOW? WE WAIT. AFTER ALL, THE REVOLUTION WILL BE AN EVENTUALITY. OF COURSE... ANYONE FANCY PIZZA? SURE. HEY, WHAT'S ON ULTRA? ======= Author's Skribulous: Heh. I had fun. How about you? -Signus Megido http://hello.to/maramala