"At last," the author spoke to himself, "I will write a Girls With Guns chapter without any self insertion! This feat has never been attempted by any other chibi author! I feel the power flowing!" The author, alone in his overly air-conditioned room, glanced up at the preceding lines. "Shit." ~!@#$%^&*()_+ Girls With Guns: The Movie or How to ruin every single plot thread created in 65 chapters without really trying. No, really. Created by the once mighty but now godly David Kelk This chapter hastily scribbled down on scrap pieces of paper by: ELRutt!, he exclaimed with a bit too much pride in his voice Chapter Sixty-6: Death of a Chibi in Three Acts +_)(*&^%$#@!~ ACT 1: Prophecies and Death, Not Just For Breakfast Anymore * * * Last time on El-Hazard- Oh... Not that lame running gag again. All right. Previously on Girls With Guns- Hey, why do we even need a stupid recap anyway? If the reader really cared that much, they'd go back and read the previous parts. Just shut up and start the frigging story. ... * * * "What do you mean she's not Aika?!" Becky exclaimed a bit too loudly and forcefully as she pointed, full-fingered, at the dazed-looking Akai. The As Yet Unidentified Man picked himself up off the command room floor. The assembled group of Normalized Lina Inverse, Normalized Aki Villyn, Alternate Dimensional Being Akai (not to be confused with Aika), and Becky (who still retained her anime state thanks to Zack's Magic Gun of... Something) sat around a massive oak table. At the head of the table sat the Man of Extreme Anonymousness (who was not in any way, shape, or form bishounen). "Look, I explained all this earlier," The Magical Mystery Man took a deep breath before reiterating the latest plot contrivance. "Your Aika has been sucked into an alternate dimension. She's probably in the dimension to which this Akai belongs. You all must travel between dimensions and search out your Aika. Only with her as a part of your team will you have any hope of preventing the inevitable destruction of the universe." "Which universe?" Aki asked. "_ALL_ the universes!" The Unknown Entity of the Male Persuasion stated in a manner not to be questioned. Unfortunately, he sat at a table of four teenage girls. "Even this one?" Lina pondered. "Of course this one!" The Enigmatic Non-Female Being began another rant at the hot, young chick who just couldn't dig it, man. Sorry, all this ranting was making his head spin and his eyes go all googily-like. "Why wouldn't this universe be included in the _ALL_? Do you even know what the definition of _ALL_ is? You must be daft, woman! Has thing I have said over the last three days sunk in at all?!" "So you're saying that she," Becky indicated Akai, "is not Aika?" Before the Puzzling Person of Masculinity could throttle the ladies, the scene changed. * * * Aika sat up abruptly, banged her head on something big, flat and hard and promptly fell back into unconsciousness. "Look, the rhetorical one is awake!" A beautiful blond girl in an off white and not quite black trenchcoat announced over joyously. The other occupants of the make-shift bunker gathered around the once again the unconscious form. "No, it looks as if she has gone back into the eternal slumber," Another girl in skimpy, figure-hugging body armor pointed out. Depression and despair sunk its nasty claws back into the occupants of the room. "Drat! I need knew it was too good to be true," a relatively flat-chested, red- headed, short girl woe'd out loud. "The cryptic prophecies laid out in the Book of Big Words handed down to our people by the roaming hordes of door-to-door salesmen would not be so easily overlooked. The Puissant Hamster bearing the False Beard of Justice has not yet risen from the Land of Monotonous Beeping Noises to claim the Colonel's Bucket on the Raised Slightly Off the Ground Pedestal of Setting Things On." "Didn't that happen last week?" the blonde asked. "Oh yeah," the small breasted female responded, "Wake up damn you!" She pounded furiously on Aika's chest causing certain parts of her upper anatomy to jiggle erotically. "Lani Reverse, stop pounding on the savior immediately, if not sooner!" Blondie commanded. "Yeah, please, it's really turning me on!" The scantily armored one added. As the two girls pounded the hentai thoughts out of the armored one, Aika awoke again. Surveying her surroundings, she calmly stated, "WHERE THE HELL AM I?!?!" The beating paused. "She's awake!" all three girls announced the obvious as they glomped onto their prophesied avenger. Not in a sexual way of course, except for the armored one. "GAK! Get off me!" Aika screeched as she tossed the girls across the room. "What do you think you're doing? Who's touched my ass? Who are you weirdoes?" She barraged them with a string of queries. The blond stood up and brushed herself off. "We apologize. It's just that we've never met the messiah before." "You think I'm Jesus?" "Who?" "Sorry, obscure cultural reference. Do continue." She did so with out hesitation. "We are your guardians who protected you during your eternal slumber. I am Beccarra Peculiar, Son of Rendar, but don't let my name fool you. I'm actually a girl." She opened up her shirt to prove it. "You can call me Bycke though, everyone else seems to..." A sad expression crossed her face. "As for who grabbed your ass, it was most likely Ika Llyvin." "Hi." Ika greeted sheepishly. Aika glared momentarily at Ika. She brought her attention back to Bycke, "Eternal slumber, you said? How long have I been lying here?" "It has been so long, we were beginning to lose faith. To our great relief, you have revived." Bycke failed to answer the question. "How long _exactly_?" Aika made her point clearer. "About five minutes," Lani answered. Aika facefaulted. "You mean you lost faith in me after only five minutes?!" "Well... we were _beginning_ to..." Bycke stammered. "Some faith you people have." "Please, don't mock us, oh superior one," Lani pleaded. "We were on our last legs, this being the only remaining vestige of humanity in our realm. Before you winked into existence at our feet, we were about to play Suicidal Twister to end our suffering. As it was written, you appeared, and one of our own vanished. It was a tense five minutes, let me tell you." "Who is this girl?" Aika indicated Lani. A gleam of pride appeared in Lani's eye, "I- *pause* - am Lani Reverse, Mighty Doer of Things Magical." "Okay... Well, now let me get to the point. Why am I your messiah?" The three girls, who bore a striking resemblance to people Aika couldn't quite remember, gave her a long-winded explanation of the nature of their belief system and how she was supposedly prophesized to save their primitive civilization from inevitable destruction by under characterized evil beings with big hair and lots of sharp pointy things sticking out and stuff. Afterwards, they had cookies and ice cream to celebrate. * * * "If she's not Aika," Becky inquired, "then who is she?" The Nameless Wonder Boy sighed heavily. He set down his cigarette and rubbed his stubbled face. His jacket draped over the chair, his tie undone and his shirt untucked with ever-increasing pit stains under the arms. He paced the room like a tiger pacing a cage or other enclosed domicile. They were now entering the fourth day of the expositional committee. All of the units sucking up oxygen in the interior of the chamber looked extremely tired and disheveled. In a dry raspy voice, worn out from all the yelling, the Untitled... Guy gave his response, "She is a being from a parallel reality similar to ours in many ways. When the normality burst came in contact with Aika-" "Who isn't her," Lina included. "Right. When it came in contact with Aika, she switched dimensional coordinates with this person here," The Originless Penis Owner said as he collapsed face first onto the table. "Oh," Becky replied, "I get it now." The weary Body Whose Name Has Not Been Given perked up instantly, "You do?" "Just one question," Aki began. The Cryptic Unwoman began to cry. "Who are you?" He looked up, "What?" The meeting had finally reached a crucial juncture. "Well," Aki explained, "You seem to know a lot of nifty facts and all, but you have told us who you are. How can we even be sure we can trust you?" Having been prepared for the eventuality of this question, Mister Perplexing pulled out his neatly-written cue cards. Plugging in the slide projector and whipping out his laser pointer, he proceeded to enlighten the youthful lasses. "I am a non-corporeal entity existing on the edge of time. I have watched over the creation of the universe and witnessed the inception of mankind. I know all that has happened and can make a pretty good guess at what will happen. In my mind rests the knowledge of the ages. You would do well to listen to what I have to say." "...And your name is?" Aki asked. "...Lee Shaoron, the Keeper of the Time Card." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #Number: Lee Shaoron Full Name: Lee Shaoron-Marx-Trump-O'Leary Occupation: Keeper of the Time Card, Giver of Plot Development (All statistics are rated from a small number to a high number.) Intelligence: High Number Age: Timeless, like a Rolex Reflexes: High Number Measurements: There Technical: Moderately High Blood Type: Essence of the Universe, Kool-aid Number Favorite Food: Chocolate Bunnies Body: Lower Number Least Favorite Food: Anything English Looks: Number in the Hobbies: Controlling the fabric of time, Middle Model trains Charisma: Nearer to the Lows than the Highs Cool: Really Low Number Luck: Not Much Lately Psi: Off the Scale Number Hit Points: Big Number/Even Bigger Number Mana: Infinite/3 AC: Negative Number Abilities: -Can talk for a long time -Takes a corporeal form for easy overhead storage -Crunchy -Ties own shoes -Talks out his ass, figuratively Has seen pictures of the one ring in a magazine once. Edible only in small doses. Does not tap, but can do a mean waltz. Background: All grown up now from his card capturing youth, Lee Shaoron finds himself divorced three times. All his husbands claimed it wasn't him, things just weren't meant to be that's all. As a result he has become an embittered shell of a man. To make matters worse, he lost his magical sword gambling on a Pong match. To pass the time, he makes up ludicrous fantasies to con people into believing for fun and profit. After deciding that the world was going to end, Lee choose to enlist the help of a certain group of young homicidal maniacs. Sadly, he choose this bunch. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quickly hiding the data sheet before the girls had a chance to give it a once- over, Lee continued, "For you see, the prophecies state that the world will be annihilated unless the four Magical Girls of Lore unite as one mind and one body. The immortal evil will awaken and take the form of the most hated, despised thing in the universe. You need to find Aika so you can vanquish this evil immediately." "You mean right now?" Lina wondered. "No, not _right_ now. We still need to have tea and cake." * * * "So all I need to do is destroy the unspeakable evil plaguing your land and I can return back from whence I came?" Aika recapped for the audience. "Yes, that about sums it up," Bycke confirmed. "Good. Where is it?" Lani answered this one, "Beyond the land of the Rubber Dumkins lies the Forest of Perpetual Toilet Humor. Close to the heart of this forest, but off to the left a little flows the River of Flatulence. There you will find a raft in the shape of a giant breast. Using the raft you will travel downstream to the 'My What A Large Staff You Have; Do You Mind If I Give It A Whirl' Rapid. These rapids are fiercely treacherous. They will throw you from the raft, and you will hit your head on The Highly Phallic Rock. There you will lie unconscious until Miniature, Red, Lawn Gnomes in Nazi Officer Uniforms carry you off to the Pit of a Thousand and One Ways to Boil a Spotted Owl. When you meet the Boiling Spotted Owls, tell them they have nice hooters. They will then give you a bus pass and playfully pinch your bottom. Give the bus pass to the homeless guy on the corner of Wilshire Blvd. and 21st. He will piss on your shoes. Leave your pissed on shoes in the middle of the dance floor of Ray's Mad Disco Roller Derby. When everyone dancing notices the urine smell, let them all crowd together. Push your way into this crowd and locate the Pimp in the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. As soon as you encounter him, tell him you're looking for a new Pimp to sell your merchandise. He will take you to the backroom, strip off all your clothes and commence screwing your brains out. In nine months time, you will bear his child. Sell the baby for crack and OD on it. As you hallucinate, you will receive a vision of Large Discolored Mammals walking side by side in the Desert. Notice the road sign to the right of this parade; on it will be the location of the Cave of Repetitive Descriptive Phrases. After you are rehabilitated in three years time at the Betty Ford Clinic, go to a local gas station and buy a map. On the map, draw a line along the route outlined in your chemically-altered illusion. Ignore any and all references to Jimmy Hoffa. Along this route you will find said cave and enter the threshold. Inside lies the evil one. Kill him." Aika blinked. "All that just to slay some stupid all powerful evil?" "Well you could just take I-95 South for three miles and get off on the Cave of Repetitive Descriptive Phrases turn-off," Lani conceded, "but this way's much more fun. I promise." "Uh... no thanks. I'll just take the freeway. Toodles!" And with that Aika left the trio of familiar loonies and hot wired the nearest car. "Toodles?" The girls remarked incredulously to themselves. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #alpha-delta-niner: "Toodles" A standard method for saying, "Screw you guys, I'm going home." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- They read the Data File, "Oh." * * * "How are we supposed to travel between dimensions to find the real Aika?" Becky asked Lee as they laid together in bed. "Hmm... what?" Lee looked up from... *ahem* and wiped his chin. "I wanted to know how we three girls," she indicated the other two beautiful adolescents clad in their naughty knickers also in the bed, "are going to be able to travel between dimensions, let alone know which one to travel to." "That's simple, you'll use [THIS]!" Lee held [THIS] up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #uh... 4: [THIS] Full Name: This Thing Occupation: Doing Stuff (All statistics are rated from 3 to 3.) Intelligence: 3 Age: As old as [THAT] Reflexes: 3 Measurements: Roughly the same size as [THOSE] Technical: 3 Blood Type: [THESE] Body: 3 Favorite Food: [IT] Looks: 3 Least Favorite Food: [THEM] Charisma: 3 Hobbies: Doing Stuff pretty much takes up all Cool: 3 [THIS]'s time Luck: 3 Psi: 3 Hit Points: 3/3 Mana: 3/3 AC: 3 Abilities: -Under descriptive pronoun -Does Stuff May contain the one ring, but definitely not the two ring, ask later about the three ring. Eating may cause you to swallow. Tap for hollow "tapping" sound. Background: It's a pronoun given to an unspecified object. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Becky, Aki and Lina finished reading the Data File. "[THAT] was surprisingly useless," Becky mumbled as she crumpled up the Data File and threw it away. "So what does [THIS] do?" "It does Stuff," Lee said proudly. "And?" "[THAT]'s about it really," Lee said [THIS] a little less proudly. "Great..." * * * Aika stood before the Cave of Repetitive Descriptive Phrases; the hotwired car crashed into a nearby tree. To no one in particular, she announced, "All I need to do is slay this evil, and I can return home. Where ever that may be." She pulled out her high-powered assault rifle and entered the lair of the unnamable, (almost) immortal evil. * * * The next day, the three Magical Girls were up at the crack of noon and ready to begin their quest by a quarter to five. With them they brought [THIS], a carton of eggs, a magazine to read on the flight, and clean underwear (don't leave home without it). Outside the Secret Resistance Base for the Society of People Against the Apocalypse, the girl said their good-byes to Lee Shaoron and, after a quick make-out session, left on their journey (which had nothing to do with Steve Perry). "So how do we use [THIS]?" Aki asked the other two anti-old broads. "I have no idea," Becky stated. "No clue whatsoever," Lina added. The Quartet-Minus-One stared blankly at [THIS] for quite some time. * * * Lee Shaoron returned to the interior of the base. His job now was to watch over Akai. This he did with great personal satisfaction. He walked down the hall, through a corridor, across a passageway, past the aisle, around the gallery, and up to the door of Akai. He could hear her sleeping inside. Snoring, actually. 'This should be easy enough,' he thought as he opened the door. In his deepest most masculine voice he prepared to wake her from her slumber. "Good- God, what the crumbly biscuits is [THAT]?!" he exclaimed as a blue aura appeared around Akai, and she disappeared in a manner that was totally different than the Star Trek transporter effect. Really. "Where did she go?" Before silence had a chance to answer his question, a soft and delicate female form landed on his head. "Ow," she cried out as she picked herself up off the lothario. She picked him up off the purple shag carpet and without further ado shouted, "WHAT DIMENSION IS [THIS]?" "Uh... do dimension have designations?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #Donkey Biscuit Hat Rack: The Answer No. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I didn't think so," Lee muttered as he discarded the Data File in the proper receptacle, his question answered. "Don't play games with me, boy. You have no idea what crap I went through to get back here. Have you ever tried hotwiring a car? It's not as easy as the movies make it look. And driving... that's a whole other packet of Kool-aid there. Sure, slaying the evil was simple enough, but come on! To get there took nearly twenty minutes!" Aika huffed angrily "You... you must be Aika," he stammered, "You must hurry and find your friends. They are searching for you as we speak. You have to show them you're alright before they use [THIS]." "Use what?" "I don't have it with me. I gave it to them. Hurry please." * * * Aika caught up with Becky, Aki and Lina long before they figured out what [THIS] did. Together, they returned to the Secret Resistance Base for the Society of People Against the Apocalypse. There they three girls who were not Aika reintroduced themselves to her. Her amnesia was thus cured. Aika told the story of what transpired in the alternate dimension. "I had the strangest time. It was like a dream. You were there, and you were there, and you were there-" "Was I there?" "Who are you?" "Just a guy." "Oh. Well, uh... no, you weren't. Anyway..." Aika went on to tell the whole tale of her short-lived quest of evil slay-age. There was much rejoicing. "Yay," uttered the assembled cast.