Girls With Guns: The Movie By: ELRutt Act 2: All of Existence Gets Wiped off the Exquisitely Woven Fabric of Eternity * * * Sitting around backstage, Aika, Becky, Aki, Lina, Lee, Bob from accounting and a box of carpet tacks discussed the latest script revision. Well, at least, that's what they told the director. Actually, they were playing poker. "I can't believe what they do to my character in scene 24," Aika remarked as she opened. "I know, and this whole part here with the giant wombat... I don't even want to _think_ of the cleaning bill," Becky replied while she raised the pot. "It figures something like [THIS] would happen," Bob added, seeing her bet and raised it. "Now I'm going to have to redo the _entire_ budget." Everyone stared at Bob. "What? Do you think I'm bluffing?" he asked warily. "Why are you here?" Aika got in his face. 12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890 "I manage the budget for the story. Are you going to see my bet or fold-" he responded quickly. "No, stupid. Why are you here in this game? I didn't invite you. Did any of you?" Aika surveyed the group. All heads shook "no" in response. "Um... well, I uh... can explain... heh, heh," Bob stammered. "Piss off!" Becky exclaimed as she threw the box of carpet tacks at the intruding accountant. "Man, those losers from accounting need to get a life," Aika stated, taking Bob's stack of chips and putting them back into the tray. She reshuffled the deck and dealt. "I hear that," Lina agreed, even though it wasn't her turn, thus proving that people can talk out of the playing order. "I sure hope they don't change anything else," Lee hoped after he anteed-up. "It's bad enough I'm playing this role. It doesn't fit my character at all. Now, I have to go out and-" "Call to places everyone," Larry the Retarded Grip announced. He wasn't really retarded everyone just said he was because he acted like a prick most of the time, and by "most" I mean every single second of his pissant life. Groans of displeasure were his answer. "Hey, come on, guys," Larry attempted to rally the troops, "the director wants to begin Act 2. So let's go out there and show him how much we enjoy this story, okay?" "Bite me!" "Screw you." "You're a dick." And other more colorful phrases were uttered as everyone stood up and walked towards the set. All the gaffers, grips, camera men, best boys and the rest of the crew members who had even sillier titles were there, just not the director. "Where's the director, ass?" Aika kindly asked Larry. "He'll be right here, he's finishing up another scene," Larry answered. "Bitch," he added under his breath. Aika pondered, "What other scene?" * * * All of the great evils of the universe all had gathered in- * * * "That one?" Aika asked. "Yes, now be quiet." Larry commanded. * * * -one place- * * * "Don't you tell me what to do, you pompous, little-" Aika screamed in rage. "Aika, calm down! Let the scene finish so we can do ours," Becky ordered. Aika silently fumed. * * * Are you quite finished? The great evils of the universe had gathered in one place again for the first time. In the Staples Center in LA, a meeting had been called. All of the big names in villainy and general badness were in attendance. Also a few of the smaller, less significant names. Nemesis Serendipity Villyn, the man with the plan and no minions clever enough to carry it out. Chuthulu, whose name no author could spell correctly. The Orochi, ex-destructive force, current lawyer. Woodsy the Owl, his motto: "Don't Fuck With Nature!" Mr. Sunshine, pedophile, pervert, Pikachu-outfit. "Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed Slug-For-A-Butt", with a name that pretty much says it all. High Commander Torquemada, Subcommander [Not Available At Your Clearance], and Mystic Advisor Flibbity Wumpus, warriors bearing the sole responsibility for the lack of plot development or a coherent storyline. "Why us?" they asked. Because I don't like you. Moving on... Hans, zhe apparently digs his manly muscles. Jinnai and his Controversial Jack spawned newts, bad stuff, evil intentions. Akane Tendo, I mean, just look at her. Ixupi, all skin flaying, all the time. Ramsbottom, which is nothing more than a clever title, I've checked. Can of Spam, mystery of the kitchen since 1937. Samuel Claymore, strange guy, hot ass. Oh, and that naked guy with the big wang. And also every other villain who had even the slightest reference anywhere in Girls With Guns whose names I don't feel like looking up. Plus a few other minor characters. The mingling, maniacal minions of mysterious makings moved milled around in an alliterated sort of way. Every being with a physical body snacked on the complimentary coffee and donuts. All the bodiless beings were given 64-oz Big Gulps filled with the souls of hermaphroditic, virgin, field-mice (a rare breed). Calling the meeting to order, Kamiversal Jack stepped up to the podium. "Everybody, shut up and sit down!" He paused while the creatures obeyed. "Now, I have called you all back from the dead or Illinois to address a very important issue that has arisen. This story needs development, badly. Zerplotty, our great ruler, has informed me that, since this story is ending something immensely evil must occur in order to build up to a fantastic climax." Jack smiled at Kasumi as he said that last part. "None of you so far have even attempted anything remotely close to any sort of evil scheme. Sure there is some prophecy foretelling the end of existence by an all-powerful super evil, but that's not good enough." Jack let this sink in. "The narrative lately has all been for the point of view of the heroes. We need scenes of the dark side to make this ending work. Now are there any suggestions?" After a few nervous glances from the audience a hand near the back slowly went up. * * * Back in the meeting room of the Secret Resistance Base for the Society of People Against the Apocalypse, the plot was thickening nicely. "Now that all you are back together, you must start preparing for the climactic battle scene. You four must embark on a journey to discover the source of ultimate power. Only with this will you be able to face the evil. It will not be an easy task. I will give you all the information I can before you leave. I must remain behind, cause, you know, my bad back and all. To begin your quest you must first-" Lee paused in his oration to answer Becky's raised hand, "Yes, Becky?" "So she," Becky indicated Aika, "is our Aika, right?" Lee fainted. Lina got up from her seat and entered the bathroom. Coming back with a bucket of cold water, she splashed it on the unconscious Time Card wielder. Before the girls eyes, his body morphed into that of the fairer sex. He was startled back into consciousness. "Oh no! You have found out my secret! I suppose I should explain myself," Lee prepared to give more long-winded exposition. Aika interrupted, "Hold on! Just hold it one damn minute here! Ranma?! The plot of Ranma has been thrown into this now?! I can't take this horrible story anymore! I am outta here!" With that Aika grabbed hold of Becky's blouse and drug her out of the building. Once outside Aika raved, "It was bad enough we were about to be sent on some pointless quest, but not another anime plot crossover! I've had all I can take! This story has been crap since it began! Nothing was ever resolved! Not one character would stay dead! The author kept playing 'screw the next guy' as opposed to writing a decent part! The whole thing is ludicrous! It must be stopped right now!" Freeing herself from Aika grip Becky stopped, "What do you propose we do?" Aika wheeled on Becky, an evil look in her eye, "We kill everyone." "... Everyone?" Becky asked, a little frightened. "Every single character that was ever introduced, dead." Aika's little mind went *SNAP*. Becky was unsure, but Agent BA-3 was all for it. "I'm game, let's go." Turning around both girls returned to the Secret Resistance Base for the Society of People Against the Apocalypse meeting room and began the massacre. * * * Jack looked severely pissed off. "No wonder this story hasn't gone anywhere! You're all morons! Every single one of you can't come up with a decent idea for evilness! I just can't believe this! Giant Mutant Produce?! Come on Mr. Sunshine! Swallow the all the souls of the earth?! It's been done! Isn't there an original bone in any of your bodies or what passes as one in some cases?! This story is going to die, people! Do you hear me?! Going... to... DIE!!!" Little did Jack know how right he was. * * * Aika and Becky stood outside the door of the Staples Center, they're outfits freshly stained with the blood and guts of two Ex-Magical Girls and a certain Prophet of Time. All of the exits had been barricaded, this door was the only remaining way in or out of the building. The girls looked at each other and nodded. * * * Zerplotty awoke from the best nights rest he had since his inception as the plot. Stretching, he walking around his metaphysical apartment. Today was going to be a good day. Checking out how things were turning out, he looked down at his little story resting in it's crib and reeled back in horror. "What are those Magical Girls doing? This wasn't supposed to happen!" He shrieked. AnFourthy, woken by his frightened cry, posed a question, "What's the matter, dear?" Zerplotty only cowered in the corner. "Must stop this... Must stop this..." he kept repeating. * * * The carnage was complete; gruesome beyond anything the world has ever seen. None had escaped. Not an inch was left uncovered. Brains, bones, cartilage, intestines, testicles, feathers, skin, feces, teeth, tentacles, hair, eyes, little squiggly bits only perhaps identifiable to a true medical professional. And blood. Everywhere blood. It caked the walls, it drip dropped from the ceiling, and on the ground, it had risen into a shallow pool. Beyond all that was the smell. Death had a unique scent. The room smelled of copper. Copper and raw meat. It filled the room with an overpowering stench. A lone, shapely rear drifted into Aika’s boot like a paper sailboat hitting the side of a bathtub. She kicked it away, sending a spray of red in its wake. Hitting the wall with a wet *smack*, it gradually slid down until it was floating in the vast sea of death once again. Aika and Becky smiled at each other. The cast list had been exponentially shortened, to their great and perverted satisfaction. "Who's left?" Becky asked as she and Aika sorted out the body parts. Aika paused from scraping squid guts off the carpet and pulled out the mile high stack of Data Files cleverly compacted into her backpack. She sorted through them carefully. "Let's see this looks like Chuthlu bits. So far, we've killed the Orochi, the Orochi hybrid, the other Orochi hybrid, a cardboard cut-out depicting the Orochi, the Orochi trading card set, seventy-four crates of Orochi plushies, the book "The Orochi and Me", a box of Orochi flavored candy, the Orochi line of ladies lingerie, an Orochi talking alarm-clock, the Orochi on a stick- "Haven't we killed anything non-Orochi related?" Aika flipped through the files. After she took out two-hundred sheets of Orochi material, she announced, "Well, there was Ramsbottom, the Ramsbottom matching tie and handkerchief, the Ramsbottom commemorative plate collector's series, Ramsbottom the Coffee Mug, Ramsbottom Earmuffs..." * * * Zerplotty powered down another pot of coffee. It was his sixty-third in the past hour and a half. Things were getting tense in his fifth-dimensional homestead. His two rapidly twitching eyes were covered in branching red trails of over- crowded blood veins. Despite waking up only two hours earlier, his chin had grown beyond stubble to a full-on beard. His entire body shivered uncontrollably with nerves. However, all that was nothing compared to the migraine. Six hundred jackhammers hyped up on PCP and pixie stix could not cause a bigger pulsing throb of pain. Zerplotty was not a happy person in the least. With the demise of the Girls With Guns Gods, namely Jack and Kasumi, no more characters could be resurrected to live to fight another day. A replacement God needed to be found quickly. But time wasn't on his side. Training a God takes long enough, but with also having to find a suitable candidate, it would swallow up the better half of a week. With circumstances under their current parameters a week was a luxury he didn't have. He needed to stop the girls. Or at least slow them down. At the rate they were killing characters off, they would be done in a matter of hours. He knew the destruction of all the characters would mean the end to his own miserable existence. But how could he stop them? They had already annihilated all of his sources of evil and wacky, zany mayhem. And was it even his place to kill them? If a story lost its main characters, what would remain to drive the plot? Would he not, surely cease to exist as well? His philosophical dilemma circled around and around with its mega-kawaii dance of chaos in Zerplotty's crumbling mind. He tossed in the only pitiful idea he could think of in his current state. * * * "So this is this residence of the Moon Sisters?" Becky asked Aika. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #cookie-tango-beta: The Moon Sisters Full Name: Ms. Moonshine and Ms. Moonlight, duh Occupation: Defenders of Produce and Justice too, when they have the time. (All statistics are rated from carrot to pineapple.) Intelligence: Peach Age: Potato Reflexes: Apricot Measurements: Melon-Onion-Banana Technical: Lettuce Blood Type: Cherry Kool-Aid Body: Apple Favorite Food: Uh... Produce, perhaps Looks: Kumquat Least Favorite Food: Meat and Meat Accessories Charisma: Grapefruit Hobbies: Making various sorts of salads Cool: As frozen grapes, baby Luck: Until recently, fairly good Psi: Squash Hit Points: Tomato/Cherry Mana: Pear/Zucchini AC: -Kiwi Abilities: -Lots of produce based attacks -Slice and dice -Makes a mean veggie stir-fry -Good both raw and slightly sautéed Keeps the one ring on ice for displaying at parties. Edible and an essential part of a balanced breakfast. Tap for no reason whatsoever. Background: After freeing the world from Mr. Sunshine's carponically abusive ways, the two lovely ladies quit the FBI, shacked up together and started their own free-lance produce based crime fighting/catering business. It tanked. They then moved to the suburbs, in the residence right in front of you... now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aika looked up for the data file at the house standing before them. To call it a house was to be extremely polite. It was a shack. A three walled shack with no roof and a toilet for a doorbell. Aika flushed the doorbell. Becky rang the toilet. Slowly and dramatically, the sheet of bubble wrap that passed for a front door was opened. A pair of beady eyes peeked out and surveyed the visitors. "Do I know you?" "No." the girls replied in unison. "Did my wife send you?" "Uh... no." the girl answer more sheepishly and glanced at each other nervously. A distant pigeon flew towards the horizon. "HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT THE F.B.I.?!" "That's it! No more obscure cultural references!" Aika commanded, withdrawing her gun and shoving the psycho hose beast back inside her domicile. * * * "Prepare to die, you plot ruining sluts!" The Two Magical Girls of Death looked up from the horror at their feet, caused by their own hands (with the assistance of several high-velocity, metallic projectiles). Ms. Moonshine, Ms. Moonlight and three other minor characters who appeared previously in the story were all fantastically well ventilated. Some much so that all of their blood couldn't wait to get out and rushed outwards from the many, many newly created orifices. Becky looked over nervously at Aika, "who said that?" Agent BA-3 added menacingly, "Whoever it is will die, badly!" Aika looked out one of the numerous, gaping holes in the shack to witness black shapes whizzing about erratically. The pigeon still flew towards the horizon. "What the...?" Aika thought to herself for a minute. Suddenly, she snapped her fingers, "These must be ninjas. Only evil ninja minions move this quickly. Why are there ninjas after us? This story just gets worse all the time." "Isn't ninja the same plural?" Becky wondered. "I... don't know," Aika answered, saddened by her lack of Mad English Skeelz. "Come out with your panties down!" The voice seemed eerily close and oddly familiar. "Who is that? He sounds so... familiar." Becky stated for lack of a better word. "I know, I'm sure we've come across him before..." Aika agreed. The two females made eye contact for a second, "Happosai!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGICAL GIRL DO-GOODERS Data File Entry #Numero Quatro: Happosai Full Name: Happosai, that one guy from the thing, you know, the _thing_. Occupation: Panty Thief, Perverted Lecher (All statistics are rated from 24-A to 48-GGG.) Intelligence: 36-D Age: Older than old Reflexes: 42-F Measurements: At least a C-cup Technical: 28-B Blood Type: Pure, Liquid Perverseness Body: 38-DD Favorite Food: [CENSORED] Looks: 26-A Least Favorite Food: Cabbage Charisma: 32-C Hobbies: Stealing panties, Chain smoking Cool: Is if you ask him. Luck: About to run out. Psi: 46-EEE Hit Points: Really, really high. Mana: Those too. AC: Varies depending on proximity to lingerie Abilities: -Dodge Stuff -Touch Boobies -Male Pattern Baldness -Various Ultra-Powerful Anything Goes Martial Arts Techniques Could care less about the one ring, two ring or any other numbered ring. Tastes like five-week old chicken. Tap for minor annoyance. Background: This sizzling hot founder of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts enjoys long walks on the beach, sunsets and holding hands. This beach bunny really knows how to play ball. When he steps out on the court, all the ladies come a' running. Match, set, point and he's yours. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "So, you recognized my voice," Happosai emerged from the shadows, "But that's not important. What _is_ important is my evil ninja that are going to beat to within inches of your life. And once they are finished, I will take your panties! Ha ha heh mwah ha heh m heh heh mweh ha ha ha!" Both girls opened fire. Happosai deftly leapt into the air, dodging the salvo of ammunition and hiding, once again, out of sight. "Come, come girlies, do you really think you could hit me with such slow moving weapons? Your pitifulness makes me laugh! But enough talk, ninjas attack!" Wave upon wave of dimly-clad martial artists rushed into the remnants of the shack, only to find it... completely empty. The horde of ninja eyed the room, nervously. A faint beeping was the last thing they heard. * * * "Do you think we used enough C4?" Becky worried. "I'm pretty sure-" Aika's response was abruptly cut off by a sound effect. *BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* The girls were thrown by the force of so many O's linked together against a conveniently-placed, brick wall. A crater the size of Cincinnati stood where a once mighty shack (commercial endorsement) had not twenty paragraphs previously. Ninja entrails rained down from the sky. "Yeah, I think that did the trick!" Aika shouted over the ringing in her ears. "WHAT?!" Becky sought clarification. "HUH?!" Aika countered. "I CAN'T HERE YOU OVER ALL THE RINGING!" Becky announced. "WILL SOMEONE ANSWER THAT DAMN PHONE!" Aika looked around angrily. While our two heroines have a rather pointless conversation, let's move onto the next scene. * * * "Damn it! My ninjas, er, ninja!" Zerplotty screamed. "Calm down, dear. Look, Happosai is still alive," AnFourthy pointed out. "Quiet, darling. You're getting ahead of the story," he warned. "I'm so sowwy, baby," she apologized in her kawaiiest of voices. Zerplotty looked coyly at his beloved. * * * GRATUITOUS META-PHYSICAL SEX SCENE * * * Two massive otological reconstructions later, the Homicidal Magical Girl Duo, left the hospital. Opting not to pay the bill and to, instead, brutally murder everyone in the building, the two saved a whopping thirty thousand dollars. Luckily for everyone there, they were already in a hospital. Tragically, no one was alive enough to save anyone else. "It was nice of them to give us free lollipops," Aika said, idly licking the sucker. "Yeah," Becky agreed, idly shooting a random pedestrian. "Where should we visit next?" "How about our alma mater?" Aika tossed out a suggestion. "But we haven't graduated yet..." Becky pointed out. "Oh yeah," Aika thought for a moment. "Then lets go get all Columbine on our High School!" "All right!" Becky leaped gleefully in the air, bouncing all the way to the top. Before any near-by guys had a chance to nosebleed, they were shot to death. * * * On a dark desert highway, Happosai stood dramatically; cool wind in his hair. A warm smell of colitas rose up through the air. Up ahead in the distance, he noticed a shimmering light. Head growing heavy and sight growing dim, he stopped for the night. In the door way she stood. Mission bells rung in the distance. He thought to himself, 'This might be heaven, but it could also be hell.' Happosai lit up a candle, and it showed him the way. He heard voices down a corridor, and thought he heard them say: "Happosai! Wake the hell up, damn you! This is no time for napping! You have two young ladies to stop! Now hurry up!" Happosai was rudely awakened for his dream by the sinister, other-worldly dictations of a non-corporeal, personification of the plot. He rubbed his eyes in a spiteful sort of way. Zerplotty paused for a moment then added, "and turn off that damn Eagles CD!" * * * Aika and Becky stepped gingerly off the school bus as it continued to roll on down the street. No one on board was alive to pilot it, so it crashed into a telephone pole at the end of the road. The explosion rocked the entire school grounds, causing all in attendance to come running out to investigate. Today was the first ever perfect attendance day at Heart Heart High (now that Aika and Becky had arrived). They scanned the crowd with mal-intent. "It's good you're all here," Aika began. "Yes, we have something very important to show you all," Becky continued. All of the guys and a few of the girls sweatdropped in anticipation. Flying steel shrapnel sprayed hot death across the populace of the High school. The Two Gun-Toting Psychopaths laughed maniacally the whole time. Now removed from the cast list were Sakura, ...what's-his-name, that-one-guy, the teacher from that class, and uh... every other character that was mentioned as existing in the High School. All were dead, oh woe is them. * * * Zerplotty slouched in his command chair on the bridge of the Girls With Guns command center. "Why was I not given direct control over character actions?," He asked himself, "It just doesn't make sense. I am the plot. _I_ should have control of character interaction. It's just not fair..." His shell of a mind overworked itself so much, he slipped into a coma. By the time he returned to consciousness it was too late... * * * On the train to LA, Aika and Becky ran into and shot the shit out of every other character they had yet to kill and weren't about to kill when they arrive at their intended destination: Betty Ford Center. Soon Betty would wish that she never invented the automobile. Embarking from the train, which conveniently stopped right in front of the ill- fated center, the soon to be free ladies entered through the rotating doors. "Hello," the front clerk greeted merrily, "Do you have an appointment?" "No," Aika answered, "but you're going to give us one." She pulled out her hand gun and pointed it between the eyes of the trembling secretary. He promptly and heroically wet himself. Gently squeezing the trigger, Aika watched the frail body flail back savagely in the ergomatically designed chair. Blood and gray matter splattered across the Welcome sign, hung with care, above the dearly departed's desk. Stealing the keys off the body, the girls hopped over the turn-style and methodically searched for prey. The final massacre had begun. * * * Happosai wearily entered the Betty Ford Center. The front clerk was obviously dead. The girls were definitely here. Locking the door behind him, the Master cautiously stalked through the building, not phased at all by the death surrounding him. Making his way to the roof, he once again found the girls. "Let's see if cats really always land on their feet," Becky said menacingly. A faint, "Please... stop..." drifted towards Happosai. But it was in vain, out of Becky's arms a black ball of fur was thrown. Falling five stories, the poor animal was destined not to survive. "Evil Bitches!" Happosai announced his presence, "You will die for the pain you have caused!" "Happosai? Aren't you supposed to be dead?" Aika asked. "You think three tons of C4 is enough to stop me?! I laugh in your general direction!" he bragged. "No, I mean before that. When we killed all the villains in the Staples Center, weren't you part of that crowd?" "No," he answered sadly, "I wasn't invited!" The Founder of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts began to cry. Becky looked over at Aika. "You know it was awfully daft of us to fly here to LA, wipe out all the villains, fly back to Tokyo to destroy the school, then fly all the way _back_ to LA to wipe out this rehab center." "Yeah," Aika responded, "next time we should put more planning and forethought into total annihilation, but alas it is to late. The only remaining character is poor old Happosai here." "In the name of Zerplotty I will punish you!" *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM* "Not another crossover..." Aika complained as she blew the smoke from the tip of her gun. The freshly dead sailor scouts slowly rotted. "Enough of this distraction!" Happosai ordered, "No more depressing idle chit- chat! The time for negotiation has passed! Come! Let us Kung Fu!" "Who writes your dialogue, sheesh," Aika whined and she opened fire on the Mini- Ninja. Not a single bullet reached it's intended target. "Blast! He is too fast!" "Blast?!" Becky asked incredulously. "Nevermind that. Aika, I have the solution! During one of the moments when we were off camera, I designed a Happosai-Seeking Missile. I need three minutes to set up and another thirty seconds to aim. Can you hold him off for that long?" "Uh... sure," Aika replied. A look of confusion crossed her face as a floating counter displaying "3:30:00" drifted towards the upper-right corner of the screen. Even more startling was the caption that flashed up before her: OBJECTIVE: Protect Becky from Happosai at all costs. As the caption faded away, the seconds immediately started counting down on the clock. Shrugging, Aika pulled out a flame thrower and aimed it at her opponent. Happosai whipped out his Magic Pipe of Smoking. The climatic roof-top battle scene had begun. Laying down cover fire of burning hot death, Aika engulfed her surroundings. Happosai leapt into the air, did a triple, inverted, half-gainer somersault and landed on the end of her gun. Swinging his pipe in a mighty arc, he cut the fuel line to the weapon. Napalm poured onto the roof. Before it had a chance it explode Aika shrugged of the fuel tank and lobbed it at Happosai. Missing him. it exploded on the roof entrance door, trails of fire flew out in all directions. She glanced at the timer... 3:19:56 ...and cursed under her breath. Happosai charged at Becky, but was stopped the hand grenades hurl towards him. He dodge to the left, much as Aika hoped he would, and met face to barrel with a high powered assault rifle. Taking the time to say, "I have you now!" before firing Aika's shots flew wild. Happosai ducked between her legs and paused to look up her skirt at the frilly panties contained within. Bringing her knees together quickly, they smacked down on the old coot's head. Dazed, he wander around drunkenly, giving her the time she needed to regroup and pull out the Big Gun (TM). *BAAAAAAANNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!* the gun exclaimed as it fired right past the side- stepping senior citizen and harmlessly took out a quarter of the roof. The rumble shook everyone to their knees. Checking the time again... 2:07:31 ...Aika realized this was taking way too long. Dramatic tension was one thing... but this was just annoying. Deciding that conventional weapon combat might eat up time quicker, she reached into Medieval Weapons Space and pulled out a Brittany Spear. The English always did make the best pole arms. "Hey, you obnoxious little puke, have at you!" She taunted while charging with spear at the ready. Shocked that his nemesis would stoop to using hand-to-hand combat, Happosai was caught off guard. His pipe, knocked from his grip, went flying into the fire. Not being one to just stand around, he dashed at Aika, pulling her skirt up over her head and taking the spear off her hands. Blinded, she scrambled off to get her vision back. It was too late for her though. Happosai took advantage of her confused state and thrust the spear through her chest. Aika dropped to her knees, let out a little whimper and was down for the count. "All too easy," announced in a very Darth Vaderish manner. The timer was only at 1:22:08. "...and now... Becky." The tiny form of the old man removed the spear (and the panties) from Aika's prone form and started towards the furiously working Magical Girl. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch..." A faint voice clichéd behind him. He heard the cocking sound of a gun. "It can't be," he stammered as he jumped out of the path of the approaching bullets. He turned a saw Aika painstakingly rising to her feet. Silently, he applauded the tenacity of the girl. "You leave her alone, you... little shit!" she coughed deeply, a cloud of red spraying out. Limping her way towards what she knew to be her inevitable demise, Aika smiled madly. "You can't win, Aika. Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine," he switched to Obi-Wan. "...Bullshit," she fired. Even when the gun stopped shooting and only clicked hollowly, she would not depress the trigger. Not a single bullet struck home, but Happosai was kept occupied. 0:41:49 "Oh look," Becky announced, "I finished early." The HSM launched out of the barrel of the cannon and homed in on it's intended target. By the time Happosai noticed the HSM flying towards him, it was too late for him to dodge. His minuscule form exploded into billions of microscopic crimson chunks. Exhausted, Aika collapsed. Becky rushed to the side of her fallen comrade. "Hang on their, precious. It's over now, you can rest," She consoled the light of her life. Aika's head limply turned to face Becky. "Of course it isn't, we still have a plot to finish off..." she smiled weakly. * * * Zerplotty awoke just in time to witness the final battle. He watched it with an air of great skepticism. Only when Happosai disintegrated did he know for sure his life was over. Nostalgically, he looked back on the past few months he spent in Girls With Guns. "Where ever did I go wrong?" "Don't feel so bad dear, everything must come to an end," AnFourthy comforted her love. "It's the cycle of fiction after all. Every good story must reach the inevitable conclusion. Even crappy stories, such as this one, have to stop sometime. No one can prevent it. Not even the author himself." "I suppose your right. I just wished I could have impacted things more..." AnFourthy embraced her husband as they had their final moment of peace. "Prepare to die!" Aika and Becky cried in unison as they burst through the dimensional barrier.