Controversial Jack, although not a coward (anyone who sells dolphin meat sandwiches to Greenpeace picketers and waits three bites in to tell them has huevos to spare), was not a man inclined to mindless violence, especially in video games. In fact, he considered that sort of thing Controversy for those not competent to handle the sheer power Controversy brings. But, sometimes, he got these violent urges, and being allowed to vent them for the first time in a long time meant... "So, tell me DIE YOU STUPID YELLOW IDIOTS, Anne, have you ever thought why EAT HOT LEAD! we're here," Jack paused to pop a fresh clip in, "philosophically speaking, that is?" Anne Lysias would, in most circumstances, have been very unnerved and quite frightened at Jack having any sort of thought that went farther than "harpoon the whales, solve two problems at once!" or "I demand the right to have a hat of harp seal fur made for Mr. Duck!" Sometimes she wondered what he had against oceangoing mammals... When Jack started thinking deep, phrases like "heat death of the universe" came to mind, and proof has already been presented that this is no idle fear when it comes to Controversial Jack. If this had been most circumstances, Anne would have either fled as quickly as possible or brained her brother with the closest iron skillet the moment he turned his back. However, this was not most circumstances. Jack dodged behind a crate, and Anne, having little choice, followed. She said, floating over his shoulder as she rolled her eyes in a very familiar fashion, "Philosophically speaking? I imagine I did something very, very bad in a past life. I can't imagine what might have been bad enough to deserve YOU, but it must have been something pretty horrible." "Squeak," pronounced Mr. Duck with an air of agreement. Jack eyed his boon bathtime companion. "What, even you? Traitor!" Without waiting for a response from either of his servants, Jack said, "Besides, since when does the universe revolve around you, Anne? In case you're forgetting, I'm God 'round these parts." Anne, Mr. Duck, and the yellow guy with the assault rifle all rolled their eyes in unison, which gave Jack just enough time to put eighteen holes through the newcomer. He screamed and pixelated, fading softly away. Jack blew the smoke effects from the barrels with an air of satisfaction. "Besides, do you think this is the time to be worrying about things like that? We've got a Blue victi- er, person to protect!" "NUKU NUKU SMAAASH!!" Sable, who had just leapt down from a hole in the ceiling, checked her assault rif- er, Magic Wand as she said, "She's having so much fun, it's almost a shame to tell you that I've found the exit." "That's good!" It was pronounced with a crazed smile (as if Jack had another kind.) "It's got a freaky guy wearing a robe standing in front of it, and I watched a yellow wander too close and get vaporized by a lightning bolt." "That's bad!" It was pronounced with a crazed smile (as if Jack had another kind.) "Squeak!" Anne whispered, "How did we get into this mess?" *****====---====***** Improfanfic presents... JACK & WHITE A chibi fanfic of biblical proportions Book VII: DANCE, PUPPETS, DANCE! In which our valiant, erm... heroes learn the secrets of the universe, spray a lot of lead, meet Readme and Ziggy, and search for McDonalds. Cowritten by Aaron Bergman and Eyewrin, his Evil Clone *****====---====***** It started, like a lot of things, with a roadtrip. It's needless to say that this roadtrip was ill-advised and foolish in the extreme: this is Controversial Jack we are talking about. It ended, like a lot of journeys, with a trip into Halflife. Okay, not many roadtrips end up in a first-person shooter that has been proclaimed "The Best Game Ever!" and "Sure to satisfy the thirst for digital blood!" for which motel owners across the country are probably very thankful. But, of course, not many people would be foolish enough to let Jack drive on a roadtrip, and if they did they would deserve what they got. That, and the memory of a 'family vacation' to the Grand Canyon, was why Anne wasn't very surprised by the vehicle, the portal, or even the stupid pink robe she was wearing after passing through said portal. Jack noticed the expression on her face and grinned. "Just like the Grand Canyon trip, isn't it?" Anne pulled forth a mallet three times her own size and lo, there was much wailing and smashing of the teeth. As Jack struggled to a sitting position, a gun over all their heads started thundering, spitting fire down the only corridor out of the small room. Everyone turned their attention to its target and saw a man, dressed in yellow, scream as he vanished. Sable asked softly, "What was _that_ all about?" A voice said from behind them, "Ah, that was a member of the Assassins. Not a very smart one, at that. Their only goal is to kill the one in blue." "WHA-AAT?!?" Nuku-Nuku hugged her umbrella to her body nervously. "Nuku-Nuku doesn't wanna die!" Sable, Jack, and Anne turned around and saw a man standing there. It hurt Anne's eyes to look at his shirt too closely; it seemed to be made entirely of swimming alphanumerics that shifted and moved like a wild river plunging through rocks. His eyes were hidden behind thick glasses, and atop his head was a baseball cap with the cryptic inscription "ASCII Lives!" Sable leveled her gun. "Who are you?" She sighed and wished that she'd brought one, just _one_ Pokeball into the bath with her, but who would've suspected she'd need it? "I am Readme. Readme Dotteeckstee. I am here to provide a few cryptic words of wisdom now and again that barely help, give you an artifact that will aid you in your quest, instruct you in how to create the Perfect Okonomiyaki, and tell you the secret to Life, the Universe, and Everything." Jack grinned as he pointed his gun away from Readme. "Aw, I'd be more interested in that if I didn't already know it. But if you could just point the way to my village so I can get back to being God again..." "Sure thing." Readme started speaking. "83D47EFAA21490CDF0-" Anne asked testily, "What the heck is that?" Nuku-Nuku giggled. "Hexadecimal, silly!" Then, she frowned. "But Nuku-Nuku can't understand it because Nuku-Nuku's math coprocessor burned out after Jack-san asked how many licks to the center of a Tootsie-Pop!" Readme blinked. "You guys no habla hex?" He shook his head slowly. "Then I'm afraid that you have to do this the hard way." Anne groaned softly. "Figures." Readme ignored her as he spoke. "See, you guys are trapped in a Deathmatch right now. Your goal is to get the President-" he motioned at Nuku-Nuku "-to the exit. The goal of the yellow team is to kill the president." Jack said, "Righty-o. What happens when we get there?" Readme blinked and said, "Well, the game starts over of course!" "Squeak!" "Exactly. How does that get me back in time to see the official Sealball playoffs start?" "Well, it doesn't." Two safeties clicked off, and Readme held up one hand. "Wait! Wait! Take this!" He held out a small shape about the size and shape of a paperback book. "This is... Ziggy. It will let you travel to another world whenever you reach the end of one and read information about the world that you're in. If it doesn't work (which is quite often)" he added in a confidential manner "then bang on it a few times and shout 'Ziggy!'" Jack took it and shoved it into a pocket. "Will that make it work?" "No, but it'll help you feel better." Readme looked at his watch. "Oh no, gotta go before he notices me!" Without explaining his cryptic words, he vanished in a swirl of numbers. Anne stared at where Readme had been standing. "Well, that was strange." Jack hefted his minigun. "Aw, who cares? This... is my BOOMSTICK! and I mean to show some yellows why they should shop smart. Shop S-Mart." He grinned at everyone nearby. "Got any prebattle taunts?" "Squeak!" "Mr. Duck, such language!" Nuku-Nuku swung her umbrella at a nearby wall, smashing a hole in it. "Let's chew ass and kick bubblegum!" She reached into her pocket and pulled out... Juicyfruit. "It's a good thing that Nuku-Nuku has half a pack left. Wai!" Sable shook her head. "...Whatever." She turned to Jack. "Let me guess: you won't send me back home until I've helped you out as much as I can." Jack nodded. "Bingo." The Pokemon trainer pulled out a Magic Marker and wrote "Magic Wand" on her rifle. "Then let's show some punks the power of Half-Level magic!" "Now that's the spirit!" Jack grinned as he looked at his sister. "Well?" "...Whatever." Jack frowned. "Aww, you're no fun. Well, let's get started!" **** And thus did we return to where we started. Jack called out, "Nuku-Nuku!" The cat-girl looked up, startled, then bounded agilely for her master, leaving some poor confounded yellows behind. "Yes, Jack-san?" Controversial Jack patted Nuku-Nuku on the head. "Sable knows the way out of here, so we're leaving." "But..." The cat-girl's lower lip trembled. "Nuku-Nuku was just starting to have fun!" Sable said kindly, "Maybe there will be people to have fun with in the next world." Nuku-Nuku perked up. "Really? Wai!" "Why ask wai..." Jack muttered, then winced as Mr. Duck squeaked angrily at him. "I have every right to make bad puns!" "Squeak!" "...Whatever." Jack turned his attention back to Sable. "Let's geyonouttahea!" Sable pointed up to the hole in the ceiling she'd emerged from. "That's the most direct route. Since you're a god, I suppose you can do something to get us up there?" Jack grinned. "Naturally!" He waved one hand, and the ladder that formed was... A ladder. Anne stared at it, stunned by its normalcy, the sheer stunning boringness of the metal that formed its framework. "What? Nothing... wierd? Controversial?" Jack shrugged. "Hey, being strange all the time isn't Controversial." He motioned to Sable and Nuku-Nuku. "After you." "Yeah right buddy." Anne grabbed Jack's ear and dragged him up the ladder first. "Hey, it was worth a try." **** Jack pointed his BFG into the open area that Sable had led them to, expecting to hose as much lead as he could at whoever she'd said would be standing there, but... Jack shouldered his gun disgustedly. "I thought you said that there'd be a guy here!" "Ah, but Jack, there is..." Not being one for a fair fight, Jack leveled his gun at the vague outline that shimmered into view near the door marked "Exit" and pulled the trigger. A line of tracers sketched from his minigun to the hexagonal field in front of the robed man, where they bounced off, scattering all over the metal helipad in a hail of light. The robed man laughed. "Really, Jack, do you think that I'd arm you and not protect urk!" Jack looked at the twenty foot statue of Kasumi that he'd dropped on the robed man's head and smiled. 'Gain 203 belief' shimmered in the air briefly. "Hey, I was wondering if that would still work." "Not as well as you'd think." Jack turned to Readme Dotteeckstee, who'd just appeared beside him, and frowned. "He looks pretty crushed to me." "BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" The robed man stood beside the statue of Kasumi, leaning against it for support as he laughed maniacally. Anne rolled her eyes. "He laughs like you, Jack." Jack looked at her, deep hurt showing in his eyes. "Now, sister, you wound me! If you listen carefully, he didn't have quite the right note of pure madness at the third 'HA!' Allow me to demonstrate. BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!" The robed figure gesticulated wildly. "So now you steal my laugh as well! You... you... you big fat doody head!" Jack tried to look under the hood that the robed man had hidden his face behind, but he pulled it more closely under the Controversial One's scrutiny. "Dan? Is that you?" "No! Are you saying that... you don't remember me?" "Debatable Joe?" "No!" The robed man put one hand under his hood and gave the appearance of being deep in thought. "Do hedgehogs, Nair, or Jehovah's Witnesses ring any bells?" "Umm... Normal Jack?" "NO! What about rubber hoses, or twenty thousand volts?" "Erm... Yaga? And what's with the shopping list?" "No, I'm not Yaga! And the shopping list is what _you_ did to _me_ three years ago!" The robed man leveled one finger at the confused deity. "And it's why I shall have my revenge!" Jack nodded sagely. "Riiight. Vengeance." He shouted at the sky. "Real original plot, buddy!" Readme waved nervously as he looked around furtively. "Hey, man, quit that! Don't break the fourth wall, who knows what might happen _here_?" The vermillion penguin flicked his cigarillo, said, "Yeah, no kidding, buddy!" and wandered off to supervise twelve thousand monkeys who were writing a new script for 'Romeo and Juliet' set in modern times, starring Le... (Oh wait, that's been done already. Well, the monkeys couldn't do any worse...) "Squeak." Anne cast a dubious glance at the bath toy. "I never thought that I'd be agreeing with _you_..." Jack shrugged. "Well, if at first you don't succeed... Nuku-Nuku, sic 'em!" He pointed one finger. The catgirl shrugged and leapt for the robed man. Her first strike ripped away his hood as he dodged desperately and shouted, "Aerin, I choose you!" Smoke suddenly appeared right next to Nuku-Nuku, and a form wavered into view, indistinct at first. It resolved into a... Young woman, maybe early twenties, quite pretty, wearing a plain dress, holding a picnic basket, with her brown hair twisted into a French braid and pulled over one shoulder. Nuku-Nuku halted in mid-swing, and her nose twitched visibly. "That smells like..." The young woman smiled and held up the basket. "Would anyone like sardines, or tuna-fish sandwiches perhaps?" "Ooo! Ooo! Me! Me!" The catgirl waved one hand high in the air. The young woman's smile grew, if anything, even wider, without being what Anne tagged mentally as a 'Psychotic Jack Grin.' "Oh my, how energetic! But how do we ask for things..?" Nuku-Nuku put her arm down and her hands behind her back. Looking down at the ground, she dug one toe into the ground and asked pleadingly, "Could I please have some?" "Of course!" As she set the basket down on the ground and pulled a neatly folded checkered cloth from inside it, she said, "My name is Aerin. What's yours?" "Nuku-Nuku!" Jack, feeling left out, pointed one finger. "What are you doing, Nuku-Nuku?!" "BWAHAHAHA!!" The formerly hooded man threw back his head and laughed. "Your powers of Controversy are only useful against those who think in straight lines! I, however, have schooled myself in your techniques, learning from my enemies as in the most ancient tradition!" Jack yawned. "In other words, you stole everything you know from me." Then, he looked a bit more closely at the robed man's face, then at Readme's face, who was still standing beside him, then back at the robed man's face... "Squeak! Squeak!" "Exactly, Mr. Duck! They look exactly the same!" Readme held his hand behind his head. "Err... there's a good reason for that..." The robed man laughed again. "Yes, you see, that fool is my Clone!" Readme leveled one finger. "Hey, look who's talking about cloning! _You_ wouldn't even exist if _I_ hadn't bought the Washuu- Chan Clone-Yourself-In-Thirty-Minutes-Kit on eBay!" Jack looked back and forth again, totally lost and feeling himself recede farther from the center of the story... "Riiight.... And I suppose that part of this positively _scintillating_ plot is figuring out which one of them is telling the truth..." The robed man shrugged. "No, I'm afraid not. See, the truth of the plot-" a discreet cough from Readme interrupted him, and he continued "-erm, truth of my scheme is this: I have trapped you in _my_ world, a world that I manipulate at will, a world that belongs completely to me! It is my hard drive, and you are all puppets on _my_ strings! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!" While he was laughing, Readme leaned over to Jack and whispered, "Actually, it's _my_ computer, but _his_ games that he's dragging you through in a vain effort to humiliate you..." "Hey, it is _not_ in vain!" "Is so!" "Is not!" "Is so!" Anne nudged Jack's ear. "Y'know, now would be a good time to..." She pointed at the door clearly labeled 'Exit.' "Right." Jack whistled, and Nuku-Nuku's ears perked up. She looked at Jack, and he motioned for the exit subtly. The catgirl nodded, if reluctantly, and finished her sandwich in one bite. They all took off for the exit, and Aerin was the only one to notice. She smiled and said, "Oh my! Leaving so soon?" "What?!" The robed one looked away from Readme and reached for Jack. "Hey, wait-!" As Jack pulled the door open... The floor dissolved in a whirlwind of purple sand, dropping Jack, Nuku-Nuku, and Sable without any warning. The threesome landed on a violet dune after only falling three feet, dumping Sable and Jack off their feet. Nuku-Nuku landed easily, of course. Jack brushed sand off his shirt as he stood up. He looked around and asked, "Where are we now?" Anne nudged his ear again. "Maybe you should try that Ziggy thing Readme gave you..." "Right." He pulled it out of his pocket and pressed the power button. The screen lit up with a picture of a cartoon man wearing a blue suit with the number 13 placed in several places. He was holding up a sign that said, "Welcome to Fallout 3: The Search For McDonald's!" Jack said just two words. "Oh boy..." AFTERWORD BY AERIN I'm very sorry to say that both of the authors are too busy to write this at the moment, but they're having so much fun trying to strangle each other I really don't want to interrupt them. ^_^ How energetic! I suppose I should apologize for the self-insertion those two did because it's all my fault. They were trying to decide who was going to write the story, and I suggested that both of them do it. You see, Eyewrin (that's my older brother, the first clone) has been friends with Mr. Jack for several years, ever since the Incident, and he thought this would be the perfect way to get revenge on Mr. Jack. Aaron (that's our gene-parent, of course) didn't like that idea, so they both signed up at the same time, and... well, about midway, Eyewrin inserted himself, and Aaron had no choice but to do the same... Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and if you didn't, you can send any sort of flames you like to him. He says that he enjoys that sort of thing because it gives him a chance to be politely insulting. ^_^ It's so nice to have a hobby! I can hear him trying to say something, but since you probably wouldn't understand it if I just typed "Glrrk!" I'll translate: "This is my first ever chapter on Improfanfic, despite being a fan of the site for a long time. Signing up for an Impro is the perfect way to demolish writer's... well, not block, but laziness... all new chapter of Slayers NIBUNNOICHI springing to life..." I hope everyone's looking forward to it! ^_^ Eyewrin has a question, though, even though he can't squeeze it through his kinked windpipe, so I'll ask it for him: "With all the Quantum Leap refs in this chapter, how would I petition to change the title to 'Quantum Jack'?" ^_^ What an interesting idea! I hope to see you all again, everyone! Aaron Bergman Eyewrin Bergman iamfanboy@hotmail.com "'Realistically, we only need two EVA pilots, and I prefer to keep my son and Rei because they are easily controlled. You are fired. Dispose of her appropriately.' So the guards tied stones to Asuka's legs and threw her in the ocean, and everyone else lived happily ever after." -Aerin Bergman (I'm sorry, but I don't like Ms. Langley very much. >_< She's so rude!)