"YES, MY MASTER PLAN IS MOVING ALONG PERFECTLY. YES..." The quintessential evil villain chuckled as he sat in his overly massive easy chair and pressed his fingers into a steepled arch under his chin. He was shadowed in that ever-prevalent black shadow that seems to follow evil doers wherever they go. His two eyes, a menacing and frightful red, glared out balefully from the shadows. His raspy breathing only added to the overly-cliched villain who, by all accounts, was the "Evil-Doer/Final-Boss" for this moment. His evil cackle rose in pitch and volume, until it shook the ground. His cackle was not typical by any means, and this should have reassured the most casual of spectators that this was not, most certainly not, I repeat, your standard villain. In fact, it should have been an immediate hint that this was more than a regular villain, that he was a villain for the ages. Well, unfortunately, he wasn't. "WHOOP-WHOOP-WHOOP-WHOOP!!(TM)" Okay, maybe he was a ripoff of Kefka. And maybe he did need to get some new material, but as evil villain's went, this guy was atypical. Well, not really. He was actually rather generic. His laugh continued until a portal opened in front of him and deposited an attractive Asian woman in a crisp black suit and glasses perched on the bridge of her nose. "AH, I SEE MY ORDER FROM 'HENCHMEN'S MONTHLY' HAS ARRIVED!" "I'm sorry, no," the woman said with an authoritative air. "Are you Mr. 'Quintessential Rip-off Evil Villain?'" The villain flinched at the use of his official title, and replied, "YES." "Very good then. Subpoena for one 'Quintessential Rip-off Evil Villain.' I represent Squaresoft, Square/EA, and all related affiliates. You are charged with copyright infringement and unlawful use of a trademarked laugh. Consider yourself as having been served." The woman turned and stepped back through the closing portal. "DARN..." The evil villain sighed. *** Improfanfic presents- Jack & White A Chibi of epic, but not quite (yet) biblical proportions started by Brian Stricklin Book 9: Orcish Tendencies... by Tom, I repeat, Tom O'Keefe *** The portal closed behind Jack, Anne, Sable, Nuku-Nuku, and last, but certainly not least, Mr. Duck. Jack sat driving a blue hummer while Mr. Duck sat squarely in the big, white-gloved hands of Ronald McDonald. Except, well, Ronald's gloves weren't really white anymore and they had left his poor head somewhere back in, well, it's probably safer to not mention where poor Ronald had lost his head. "Wai, Jack!! That was fun," Nuku-Nuku cried. "Let's do it again!!" Our heroic adventurers had just braved certain and imminent doom at the hands of what could only be likened to a cross between Fran Drescer and Rosanne, or, in short, one of the very many faces of evil they had encountered. "Yes," Jack turned to Nuku-Nuku. "It was fun, wasn't it?" "Jack." "Wai, I wanna do it again," Nuku-Nuku's ears twitched as she managed to jump, clap her hands, and somersault all at once. "Jack." Jack's eyes were bright with energy, "I wonder if we could do it again?" Jack blinked, still facing away from the front. "Jack." "Oh my, that's a pretty sunrise," Jack commented, just as a scream interrupted his gazing at the beautiful, magenta/orange/yellow/pink sunrise. "JACK!" Jack turned to his sister Anne. "Could you try and keep it down? I'm trying to enjoy the sunrise. Nuku Nuku, don't you just love the way to colors play against the sky? They remind me of one of Kasumi Tendo's fine works. You know, one of those fights of his with that Dan Hibuki character." "Watch where you're going," Anne Lysias hollered at the top of her lungs. Jack turned around suddenly noticed the large castle in front of him, and he barely managed to miss the turret with some deft handling of a large, blue hummer, venting exhaust. "Well, would you look at that," Jack whistled as he brought the hummer around in a manuever only a fighter jock could have pulled off. "I haven't seen that many people just hanging around since the premeire of Batman Returns." "Jack," Sable said, "I don't think those are humans down there." "No, well, anybody who would wait around for a Michael Keaton film can't be human." "No, Jack," Anne nodded towards the group of man-shaped figures below them, several of which were now pointing at the hummer. "They're green." "Well, too much movie popcorn will do that to anyone." *Squeak* "Why, Mr. Duck, that's a brilliant observation! Who would have thought that Warner Bros. would have managed to squeeze two sequels out of that pitiful box office draw. Frankly, I think if they had called it "Jack Returns" they would have had higher grossing sales. *** Somewhere far below, an orc shaded his eyes as he looked into the sky. "Whaz dat?" The stupid green creature asked. "Whaz wha?" Its companion said. Its companion also happened to be an Orc, or should I say "Grunt." And another stepped out from an odd, donut shaped building. This too was another Grunt. Suddenly, a large, green, orkish hand descended from the sky to click on the building named 'Barracks' and press "Train Grunt." "Dat!" The first orc pointed. "Oh." The second orc commented. "Look, it comes," the third orc said as the blue chariot of the gods descended from the sky. "It is Orky the Great! Master comes!" All three orcs ran off in different directions shouting at the top of their lungs, "Orky comes. Da Master Comes!" *** Anne suddenly noticed that the ground seemed to be growing closer. She turned to look at Jack directing the hummer towards the group of green humanoids below. "Jack, why are you taking us towards whatever they are?" "I don't know," Jack said. "Call it a hunch, call it lunch, call it Crunch 'n' Munch, or call it whatever you like! But here we gooooooo!" *** The old orcish shaman was hardly as excited as the younger Grunts. In fact, he was fairly intelligent for an orc, which meant 1+1=2, not "MEAT." He walked out of the largest building labeled "Town Hall" for convenience. "We see if this be Orky." The shaman hobbled towards where it looked like the chariot of the gods would land, and planted his staff in the ground and waited. *** As soon as they landed, Nuku-Nuku bounded out of the hummer and Jack calmly stepped out. He surveyed the area and then nodded to himself. These guys are seriously in need of the fashion police, he thought. "Well, I might as well help these guys out," Jack said to Mr. Duck. *Squeak* "Very sagacious decision, Mr. Duck. I should introduce myself first." Jack walked towards the orcs and nodded as the orcs dropped to their knees in front of him. "Alright, listen up you bums," he yelled. "You are in some serious need of new duds, and I, Jack the Almighty, have decided to help you! You with the armor, change into something more frilly! You with the undead horse, liven it up with some floral print! Chop chop, people, I can only help you if you help yourselves first!" "I right," the orc shaman said loudly enough for all to hear. All the other orcs turned and looked at him. "He not Orky. He stupid manling. Kill him." Some of the orcs began to stand again, confused as to what was going on. Jack arched an eyebrow. "No." A giant mailed hand appeared in the sky above the orc shaman and summarily squished him. The words "Gain 173 Belief" appeared over the mailed hand just before it disappeared. All the orcs dropped to their knees and began chanting, "All Hail Orky, All Hail Orky, All Ha-" Jack interrupted. "Ah-ah," he said, waving his finger, "It's Orky the Great, remember?" The orcs turned to their neighbors and nodded. "All Hail Orky the Great, All Hail Orky the Great!" Jack nodded in satisfaction. "That's better." *** There is a place where all computers gamers have ventured to. They simply cannot be considered gamers until they have experienced the glory of a single game. A great game that set standards and heralded a new era. It was a piece of beauty, of wonder, of magnificence. It was a time of epic struggles between man and orc. A conflict between the great armies of mankind and the Horde. A seige of a great castle, the last bastion of mankind. It was a climactic struggle between good and evil, man and orc, for the future of the planet. It was "WARCRAFT 2 1/2: The Orcs on You!" And the fate of the world rested in the hands of one individual. Jack Lysias, otherwise know as Controversial Jack. And now, also know as "Orky the Great," the Crusher of Manlings. And lo, the world did sweatdrop... *** WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO JACK? WHO IS THE GENERIC EVIL VILLAIN? WHAT IS HIS RELATION TO THE CURRENT PLOT AND WHY CAN'T HE FIND A BETTER LAUGH? WHY HAS THE CURRENT AUTHOR DECIDED TO REVIVE THE OLD TRADITION OF CAPPING THE EPILOGUE LIKE EARLY JACK FAN-FICS? ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF 60 MINUTES WITH MICKEY ROONEY... *** Author's Notes Alrighty, first thing first. I have to apologize to Aaron Bergman for completely passing over Fallout. I feel horrible, but the fact is, I have no knowledge of the game. So, a thousand apologies. Second, thanks to Brian Stricklin and Shinikenshi for pre-reading. Their comments were extremely helpful. They also haven't seen much of the chapter, as it was completely re-written last minute. So, any mistakes contained herein are entirely my fault and not their faults at all. All, thirdly, this is my first Impro chapter...and I'm happy it's complete. It's been a blast. Yes, and I'd like to thank Jack for all he's done for my life....*sniffle* Tom O'Keefe, signing off...10:54 EST 9/06/01