A wee note: This omake takes place in a universe where the Do-Gooders and Magical Girl Hunters co-exist, obviously. It is NOT the same as either improfanfic universe, so there are things out of continuity in both universes. The most important is that Yoi is not a girl. The rest I'll come up with as I go along. Actually, that pretty much stands for the whole thing... This occurs approximately between DG #25-26 and I have no idea where it fits into the MGH universe, since things get murky in there. It looked like easy money at first. Five relatively inexperienced magical girls, five ineffective magical advisors, with the slim chance of some good music too. We hadn't planned on the rest of it... Tale Of Two Impros A Magical Girl Hunters/Do-Gooders Crossover. By Phoebe. The client had made arrangements beforehand to meet us at a kissaten, not at my office, which I suppose was a little unusual, but the businessman walking in seemed normal enough. He walked straight over to us and shook hands all round, perhaps holding on to H's hand just a little longer than was strictly polite. I didn't blame him, but Itami lifted an eyebrow. This was the equivalent of a death threat, so I decided it was time for introductions before things turned ugly. "This is my partner, Itami," I began. Itami nodded. "And *his* partner, Sailor H," H said, wrapping herself around Itami. They disappeared under the table. Aika blushed. "Uh, I'm Pretty Deadly," she blurted. "And I'm Yoi," I completed, then waited for a response. "Yoi?" the client asked. "How... interesting. You may call me Esjie." "Nice to meet you, Esjie. Who do you want us to kill?" Blunt, perhaps, but I was getting sick of civility. He regarded me narrowly for a minute, then pulled a folder out of his briefcase. "I represent the Tokyo Legitimate Businessmen's Club," he began. "And we are having... problems with five magical girls. Three of them are in a band, and the other two are their friends." "Advisors?" I asked professionally. "One for each girl. Fairly ineffectual, as far as my sources could ascertain. We want them eliminated." I took the folder and leafed through the information. It was *very* comprehensive. Full bios on each girl and advisor, powers, backgrounds, the works. I stopped at one point though. "Hold it. They're reincarnated warriors against evil?" "Yes." "That adds an extra fifty thousand per girl." I told him. Reincarnated magical girls were trouble, no question about it. No matter how inexperienced they were in this lifetime, they'd had plenty in their past lives, and they frequently remembered lost attacks at the worst times. Esjie nodded. "Understandable," he replied. "And of course there would be a two hundred thousand bonus for eliminating the entire team." He slid the briefcase across the table to me. "And half in advance." Aika choked on her coffee, and I wasn't doing much better. We'd been screwed over so many times recently that we'd almost come to expect it. But this guy was paying up early! Even if we didn't complete the job, we'd still have enough to pay the rent for months. I didn't even have to think about it. "Deal," I said, holding my hand out. After a moment Esjie took it and we shook hands to seal the deal. Just before he left, I had a sudden thought. "Hey, what does this band call themselves anyway?" I asked. He turned back. It could have been some trick of the flickering fluorescent lights, but I could swear his eyes were glowing. "The DO-GOODERS!" he snarled. Then he walked out the door, cackling insanely. I looked at Aika. She looked at me. H poked her head out from under the tablecloth. "Is it just me, or is that guy crazy?" she inquired. "You should know," I told her. "But we'll still get paid. They have a gig tomorrow. I think we'll crash the party." H smiled. "Oh good," she purred. = = = = = Becky leaned on the doorbell. "Tejina! Hanaki! We're gonna be LATE!" she called up impatiently. Matsuro and Kireiko exchanged a glance. Then Matsuro sighed and pulled the Sword of Duality out of his stomach. "Next time, you do this," he promised. "Yeah, yeah, pretty boy. It's your turn." "Tejina! Hanaki! If you don't open the door right -" The door was suddenly yanked wide open and Matsuro fell inside, Becky and Kireiko landing on top of him. Luckily, Matsuro's sword slid neatly back into his stomach, not into any of his friends. "Ouch! Get off!" "Hiiiii everybody!" "You better move your hand RIGHT now, oni!" "Sorry about that. Hanaki was hogging the bathroom..." "Oops, sorry 'babe'. Hey, Hanaki!" "Oh, I was not! Hi, Kireiko-kun!" "Can everybody get off please?" "Yeah, yeah... Hey, whose leg is this?" "*SLAP*" The three gradually untangled themselves and stood up with as much dignity as they could muster. Hanaki was bouncing up and down with excitement. "Wow! My first gig!! I've been practicing really hard and we sound really good, don't we Tej-chan?" "We do sound good together," Tejina conceded reluctantly. Then she looked at her watch. "Eeep! We're so LATE!!! Hurry up guys!" And she took off down the street, dragging Hanaki behind her. Kireiko hoisted his amp and raced after them. Becky and Matsuro looked at each other, shrugged, and began to run. After all, being late for this gig would probably be a Bad Thing. = = = = = Being late for this gig would probably be a Bad Thing, so we turned up bright and early, took up our surveillance positions and waited. And waited. And waited. Apparently punctuality wasn't this group's strong point. Finally, my toy walkie-talkie crackled. "Itami? Are they here?" "Yes. Problem." "What is it?" "Come and see. *CLICK*" I said one or two naughty words, then turned to Aika. "There's a problem," I said flatly. "I'm going to go check it out. You stay here and keep an eye on the front door." She nodded and I left. I was swearing all the way as I casually made my way round to the back entrance of the club the group would be playing at later that night. In our line of work, we didn't need problems. And the last time Itami had considered something a problem, the Angel Warrior Koala we hadn't been informed about had nearly taken my head off with her Eucalyptus Shock. Two guesses for her animal companion, and the first one doesn't count. Luckily, this 'problem' wasn't anything like that. We were missing two magical girls, but since they weren't actually in the band and wouldn't be needed for warm-up, it wasn't a cause for concern yet. We'd also somehow gained two guys - the drummer and the guitarist, I surmised. "So, what's the problem?" I asked. Itami pointed at the drummer. "Cousin Matsuro," he monotoned. Whoa. That was something I hadn't been expecting. I decided to step around that one rather carefully. "Well, that won't be a problem, will it?" I inquired cautiously. "I mean, we've been hired to take out the girls, not the group itself. Your cousin stands firmly in the 'innocent bystander' category." "Good," H cooed. "Cos he's kinda cute..." Itami didn't comment. "Well, Itami?" I asked, holding my breath. If Itami wasn't in on this, I was calling it off. He shrugged, and I let my breath out. "Okay then. You stay here. I'll go grab our tickets." The plan was this. We'd buy the tickets, sit through one set of sickeningly cute music (come on, they were magical girls, how good could they be?) and take them out while they took their break. There was a better chance that the three in the band would be with their two non-musical friends then, and we could (with luck) take out the lot of them fast, minimizing the possibility of bystander casualties. Of course, when do things ever go that easy for me? = = = = = The group finished their warm-ups and sat in a tight huddle of nervousness. "We'll be great," Kireiko said unconvincingly. "I mean, they've loved us every other time. And with Han and Tej doing that twin singing bit, we'll really 'kick-ass'." "Kireiko, we've never even finished a set yet," Tejina groaned. "Something is going to go wrong tonight, I just know it." "Don't be so pessimistic, Tej-chan!!" Hanaki chided. "Maybe we'll be discovered and make a record and go on tour and make lots of money and have a fan club and heaps of other neat stuff instead!!" "Yeah!" Becky enthused. "That would be so cool." "Whatever," Tejina sighed. "I'm telling you guys, I can feel it in my bones... Hey, Matsuro, what's up? You've been staring at the wall for ten minutes." Matsuro blinked twice, and said wall stopped writhing psychedelically. "Huh?" "Oh, never mind." = = = = = "Hey, stop shoving!" I turned around. "I'm sorry miss, the guy... urk..." My jaw dropped and small pieces of my brain fused together. I was face to... chest... with one of the targets. Sailor Darkness, if I remembered correctly. Unusual name, considering the others were all variations of 'happiness.' Maybe someone had missed a meeting. After a few seconds of strangled squeaks I managed to haul up my jaw (and my eyes) and stammered an apology. And I thought H was something. This girl practically screamed "Take me home and..." On second thoughts, no. The ratings, you understand. Another girl popped up from behind her. Sailor Joy - un-fuku'ed, of course. "What's the matter, Keiko?" she asked. Darkness gave me a disdainful look. "Nothing," she replied, turning back to the other girl. "So anyway, then she says that I'm up early for a Sunday! She was completely oblivious!" I turned to face the other way, eavesdropping for all I was worth. Joy sighed. "That does sound bad. But at least your dad isn't bent on taking over the world!" Hello? "Poor you," Darkness said sympathetically. "Aki! He's not here is he? He could ruin the whole gig!" "No. But he made me take some of the minions." There was a pause. When she next spoke, darkness alomst sounded afraid. "Aki? Which minions?" Another voice chimed in. "Fear not, companion of Aki-sama! For Thrakkorzog? Thurston Dunne? Tharz - whatever, and I, the Blank Psychic will protect you, yea, even to the extent of giving up our own worthless lives so that you might live!" "Hey Blank, shhh. We're not allowed to call Aki-sama Aki-sama in public anymore, remember?" "Well, it could have been worse," Darkness said. "At least you didn't have to bring the weirdo with the pack." As Itami might have said, problem. = = = = = "No more butterflies and fairy tales! No more secret nights of glee! No more schoolyard days of fun. There's no more you and me Drop dead, sis! I don't need you I don't need you anymore..." As Kireiko began his four minute guitar solo, Tejina took the opportunity to take a deep breath and survey the crowd. The joint was jumping. So was Hanaki. "Isn't this great?" she yelled into Tejina's ear. "And see? Nothing bad has happened!" "Yet. Oh, okay, maybe I was wrong. I just had the weirdest feeling... Uh-oh, time for the ending." "No more of anything we shared," the two sang at each other. "I don't need you, I don't need you." "But if you said sorry..." The song wound down to its conclusion and Tejina stepped forward. "Are you having a good time?" she yelled. The crowd roared. "So are we!!" Hanaki screamed enthusiastically. "So we're going to play *one* more song, *just* for you, and then we're going to take a break!!" The crowd groaned, presumably for the break, and not for the song. Delighted with the reaction, Tejina signaled to Matsuro. "Let's hear it for Prosthetic Phallus Hat!" she screamed. As Matsuro and Becky began the opening bars to the song, her eyes fell on a group of four sitting in the corner. She frowned. That weird feeling was back. In spades. = = = = = "Stop that!" I hissed at Aika. She stopped humming along to the music and glared at me. "What? They're *good*!" "Keep your mind on the job," I grunted. Trouble was, they *were* good. Nice beat, decent tunes - even the lyrics were well above the usual joy-and-love crap served up by most magical girl groups. One or two songs had even been slightly dark. If we hadn't been going to kill the singers and the bass player, I'd have looked forward to their CD. But still, I mused, business was business. The last song of the set finished with a rousing drum roll, and after the twin singers had promised to return "in just a few minutes!!!" the group made their way over to the table where Darkness, Joy and those two guys were sitting. Perfect. I stood up, unobtrusively loosening my gun in its holster. Aika sighed and stood up too. Itami grunted, and rose to his feet, H hanging around him like an incredibly agile vinyl-wearing vine. She unwound herself and uncoiled her whip. "Ready," she smiled sadistically, and we began to make our way through the crowd. We were about halfway across the room when the doors exploded. Some... *thing* appeared in the doorway. Seven foot tall, wearing tattered remnants of clothing, shredded shoes revealing many-clawed feet... "dO-GooDeRS!!" it howled. "it IS tIMe FOr mY venGeAnCE!!!!!" Then it stepped away from the doorway. Out of the smoke came - monsters. Tentacles, scaly, octopoid heads... Yup. Murphy's strikes again. = = = = = "I told you so." "*Yes*, Tejina." "I just want to make that quite clear, Becky. I knew something was going to happen and I told you something was going to happen, and you all ignored me. I told you so." "Yes, Tej. Now can we kick ass?" "Yeah, why not?" = = = = = Things were tight. Most of the club's patrons had fled screaming as soon as the things had appeared, but there were enough still about to make things interesting. We were also caught in the crossfire, and that made things even more interesting. I briefly pondered on the wisdom of old Chinese curses, then leaped behind an up-turned table for some cover. The Do-Gooders bass player was there too. Sailor Rapture, I believe. "Please stay down, sir," she said crisply. "The situation is well in hand." What had happened to 'The rapture of love within me will cure these creatures of their hatred!'? Then she grabbed a really cool looking gun, peeked over the table rim and began firing at the creatures. Her file hadn't said anything about her being a crack shot! I watched for a second, then sighed. I could try to kill her right now, but my chances of a) pulling it off without getting shot myself and b) getting out of there without being killed by her friends after wasting her were now so slim they were practically anorexic. I pulled out my uzi and grinned at her. "Would you like a hand?" I asked, and began shooting. At them. Not her. = = = = = Matsuro sliced the tentacles off another starspawn, then lunged in smoothly, running the creature through. It wasn't enough, of course. These creatures seemed to be somewhat tougher than the last lot. "BLACK WIND FROM THE SOUL!" Keiko cast. The pair watched in satisfaction as the two starspawn they'd been fighting were sucked from their plane of existence. A hand landed on Matsuro's shoulder, and he nearly hit the roof. Turning, he saw a male face, stubbled chin, black hair flopping over black eyes... "Cousin Itami!" "..." "Can you *please* get your mother out of my house?" = = = = = I was rapidly revising my first impressions of this group as an easy hit. These guys were quick, they were professional, they didn't waste time on pretty speeches... "aHAhAHahAHAha!!!" ... and they had some very weird friends. I watched another monster try to hit the guy in the fencing outfit, only to fall over, twitching. Like I said, weird. "Becky-san! Are you okay?" "Sure, T-kun. Uh, T-kun, this is..." "Koi." What the hell? "Uh, I'm an innocent bystander brought into the fray by a strange mix of circumstances." "Wow!! It's like you and your friends were fated to come and help us!! Hey Aki-chan, why haven't you transformed?" "I *refuse* to wear that *thing* unless it's absolutely necessary." That table sure was getting crowded... = = = = = Tejina paused to take a breath, idly watching the strange girl with the camouflage fuku fire at another revolting octopoid-like creation. The starspawn were getting gradually ground into paste. There had been quite a few of them to start with, sure, and they'd been a bit tougher than the previous batch, but they'd been doomed from the moment they'd begun the attack. Stray bullets and energy beams whistled through the air, more often hitting walls than starspawn. Brother Maynard stood in the middle of the room, shrieking imprecations. So far, no-one had seen fit to do anything about that. "yOu LeaVE mE No ChOIcE!!! It iS tIMe fOR thE ForBiDDen spElL!!!" He began chanting in a strange and eldritch tongue. An aura of darkness built up around him, crackling with energy. A black wind seemed to rush through the room, icy fingers of death slowly stroking through the minds of those gathered there. = = = = = The hair on the back of my neck stood up, a fairly serious indication that this was not a Good Thing. There was a flash of green light from behind me, changing so quickly to white light that it could have been one flash and I glanced behind to see... wow. "Well, I guess that's necessary enough," the long-haired lovely in the white gown commented. She closed her eyes, and began glowing. I recognised the signs. She was summoning some kind of ultra-powerful energy attack. It was at that point I decided that the table didn't provide enough protection anymore, and dove behind the bar. = = = = = "iA!! Ia!! CtiKIhYkrT HIjngPDr IppKjhD urk -" The wind and the noise stopped rather suddenly. Becky peeked cautiously over the much-battered table rim to see... = = = = = H. Of course. The chick in the long white dress was obviously experienced enough to spot a tactical advantage when it was handed to her on a plate. With the many-toed guy strung up by H's whip round the throat, he wasn't speaking OR moving. And that seemed to suit her just fine. "PURITY OF THE SHINING HEAVENS!" she yelled, and a brilliant flash of white light engulfed the whole freaking *room*. Next time I saw Esjie, I vowed, I was going to do some fairly nasty things to him. When it subsided, the seven-foot tall monster was gone, replaced by a normal looking guy in a black robe. "urghmffh..." he gurgled, and H let him slump to the floor, professionally coiling her whip. She stared at the magical girl behind me, and they nodded at each other. It was oddly respectful on both sides. Then H turned to Darkness, who was hanging all over Itami's cousin. 'Nice dress," she grinned. Darkness looked up. "Oh, thank you!" she said. "Say, where did you get that outfit?" = = = = = Agent BA-3 surveyed the room and decided all was safe - for the time being. Sailor Rapture tried to murmur that that guy Koi wasn't entirely what he seemed. Becky ignored both. "Is that an AK-47 with the silencer and hollow-point attachment that was featured in 'Weaponry Today'?" she asked. Her new friend Aika grinned proudly. "Yup! I got it at a cut price from a guy who knows a guy!" "Awesome!" "What's that thing?" "Oh, we just call it the LBG..." = = = = = As some guy once said, all's well that ends well. And this had ended surprisingly well. Sure, we'd missed out on half our pay, but hey, we were still alive. And some of us had made new friends: "Call me sometime Kasumi-san! We'll go shopping!" "Sure thing Keiko-san!" H waved cheerily at Darkness, then glared at me. "What?" I decided that wise men didn't comment on 'Kasumi' and instead slapped Itami on the shoulder. "So, your cousin has a big nasty sword too?" I asked conversationally. Surprisingly, he responded. "Yeah. And my mother's living at his house." "Isn't your mother dead?" "Yeah." I gave him my best 'you're weird' look. "Coming, Aika?" She turned that tiny gun over one more time, then sighed and handed it back to Rapture. "Coming." And we left. Alive, semi-rich, and feeling surprisingly good. Must have been some kind of virus in the air. = = = = = Aki watched them go. "Trouble?" Tejina asked, popping up out of nowhere. Aki frowned. "Maybe... I don't know. I just get the feeling that's not the last we'll se of them..." = = = = = Whew! Maybe it isn't, but I won't be writing it. This was a one-night wonder, and I'm absolutely buggered. Big thanks, of course, to the creators of DG and MGH, Twoflower and Aaron Shattuck respectively, for giving me fun worlds to play with and to the crew on the DG mailing list, who supplied (sometimes unknowingly) jokes and encouragement and were lovely pre-readers too. Just a final wee thingy. Nothing in this omake should affect either improfanfic, and indeed, I would be [very] [cross] if it did. C&C to ami_of_mercury@hotmail.com. Thank you for reading and good-night! PS) WASHUU IS MINE!!!!!