A Sidestory/Omake for the improfanfic Magical Girl Hunters.



Magical Girl Hunters was originally created Aaron Shattuck.



The character of Sailor H. was originally created by Colin Wales.



All characters are fictional; any resemblance to real persons,
living or dead is purely due to the author's keen insight into
human nature.



     Her victim turned purple as she tightened the whip. I kept
thinking to myself: Four million yen, four million yen. It would
have been a lot more effective if not for that laugh of hers.
I've gone after psychopaths before, but that laugh was just
unnatural! I was beginning to have serious doubts as to my
ability to bring her in alive. Heck, I was beginning to have
doubts as to my ability to live through this job.

 

     It had been a very unusual offer, and I had been caught
totally by surprise. I don't like being surprised. As a bounty
hunter, anything that surprises me is likely to mean I lose the
bounty and maybe my life. The first unusual thing was when I
first met my clients.  A dozen people marched into my 'office'.
It's not much of an office. I usually just look at the posted
bounties and try to find one that matches my criteria for risk
and reward. I can generally count on not seeing my 'clients'
until it comes time to be paid. This time however, several people
crowded into my office. It was kind of obvious that there were
two distinct groups. On one side there was a group of men and
women dressed in conservative suits, they wore uniform
expressions of intense distaste for the other group. The other
group was dressed a lot more casually, jeans and T-shirts.
Fortunately, the one wearing the Urotsukidoji T-shirt was near
the back, and mostly out of sight. One of the suits was the first
to spe
ak.



     "Mr. Shinora we would like to retain your services."

     "So post a bounty. If I'm interested you'll here from me
when I request payment."

     "The nature of this assignment is sufficiently sensitive
that we would rather contract a professional such as yourself,
rather than making the bounty available for the general
riff-raff."

     "I would imagine that you don't want it publicly known that
you're posting the bounty."

     "Your record of extreme discretion was one of the reasons we
wish to hire you."

     "Well, discretion doesn't come cheap. Who's the target?"

     "We have gathered a dossier of all available information on
the target."



     That said, she gestured to one of the other suits who laid a
thick envelope on the table. I opened it up, being careful to
look relaxed about it, but in truth I was eager to see who would
warrant this kind of interest. I opened the envelope; a couple of
photographs fell out. 



     Apparently my shocked expression qualified as a cue. A
couple of the more casually dressed people unfolded a massive,
life-size poster. It was an image that ingrained itself on my
mind. Or at least it did until I saw the real thing. She was
breath taking, but the unpleasant kind of breath taking that
leaves you uncertain that you're going to get your breath back
afterwards. Her outfit was in many ways the typical fuku worn by
Magical Girls. The main difference was that hers was made out a
glossy black material. Also where normal Magical Girls would have
frills or bows of some kind she had metal spikes and studs. She
wore the typical opera gloves, but hers were black leather, more
typical of a dominatrix than of a Magical Girl. The high heels on
her boots were higher than standard, it was a wonder she was
still able to walk. Oh, and she was a redhead, that made it even
worse for me, I've always had a thing for redheads.



     "Isn't she great!"

     "She's disgusting! She represents a terrible example for
young girls, encouraging wanton behavior and the committing
immoral acts!"

     "I just said that she was great."



     This exchange took only a couple of moments and it was
spoken with the natural flow that only comes from repetition. If
I didn't intervene, they would obviously go on for some time, so
I spoke.



     "Who are you people?! Why on earth do you want me to go
after a Magical Girl?"



     I kind of lost my cool professional demeanor for a moment
there, but these were exceptional circumstances.



     "We represent the Magical Girl Role-Model League. We try to
encourage children to emulate the excellent example set for them
by Magical Girls. The world would be a better place if children
could all learn to live up to their high moral standards." 

     "We represent the Unofficial Sailor H. Fan Club. We think
Sailor H. is hot! We also have a high opinion of her combat
abilities." 

     "Okay. So why does either of your organizations want to hire
a bounty hunter?"

     "Sailor H. is a menace! She shows children that even a
Magical Girl can go bad. She disheartens good-intentioned
children, and encourages the bad ones."

"She refuses to attend any of the events we put on. She's never
so much as signed a single autograph. Now she's going to star in
Sailor H.: the Movie, whether she likes it or not!"

"Okay, let me get this straight. You people want me to bring her
in because she represents a bad example for children?"

"Bring her in dead or alive. It will make the world a better
place for our children to grow up in."

"And you guys want me to bring her in so that she can star in
your movie?"

"Yeah! We've got the script all written. We want her alive.
Except for Matsukaze that is, he's pretty ambivalent about that
question."

"And what if I bring her in and she doesn't want to star in your
movie?"

"No problem. A little bit of rewriting, and her lack of willing
participation will only add greater realism to the picture."

"Okay, one more question. Why me? I mean I'm good at my job, but
I only go up against mundane criminals."

"You do have some previous experience. A qualification for which
you are practically unique among your colleagues."



Hell, they knew about Hot Fudge Sundae incident! I thought I'd
managed to sweep that little altercation entirely under the rug.
It had been bad luck on my part; I had accidentally run into a
battle between the Dessert Warriors and some miscellaneous
demonic entities. Hot Fudge Sundae was possessed by some evil
supernatural presence. I know that it's typically the pedophile
that gets possessed, so this was slightly untraditional, but it
was nothing that would make it into the papers. I found myself
behind her, being totally ignored as she blasted her fellow
Dessert Warriors with her Dark Chocolate Lighting attack. So I
did the logical thing and bashed her on the back of the head. She
went out like a light. Immediately afterwards I had to madly leap
aside as Baked Alaska used her Delicious Baking attack. After
that, did they thank me for the help? Did they apologize for
almost killing me? Nope. Banana Crème Pie gave me a two hour
lecture about how 'civilians' should avoid endangering t
hemselves. After that, I made a vow to avoid Magical Girls no
matter what the cost. 



"Absolutely not! Going up against Magical Girls is suicidal and
your reasons to hire me are crazy. There isn't enough money in
the world to get me go after her." 

     "We'll pay you four million yen alive, or two and half
million dead." 

"Do you have a contract made up?



Unfortunately they made the offer at a point where I was just a
little bit short of cash. Thus after tracking her for several
weeks, I found myself hiding around a corner; scared almost out
of my mind, as Sailor H. strangled one of the Farm Animal
Cavaliers. I was tempted to let her finish, I mean that's got to
be the stupidest name for a group of Magical Girls that I've ever
heard, but I figured that I needed all the help I could get in a
situation like this. I ducked out of my hiding spot and shot
Sailor H. at point blank range with a stun gun. It didn't seem to
do anything besides startle her. She released her victim and spun
around with only a moment's pause. Then she hit me with that whip
of hers. Now normally I wouldn't be too adverse to that kind of
attention from attractive barely dressed woman. But that thing
hurt! I thought she'd broken one of my ribs, though it turned out
later that it was only bruised. However I had managed to distract
Sailor H. from her real opponent. Th
e Milk Cow Avenger took the opportunity to use her most powerful
attack. Believe me, the Falling Cow Strike looks just as stupid
as it sounds. I wasted no time getting the cuffs on the now
unconscious Sailor H.



"Hey! Who are you?"



Uh oh. The Milk Cow Avenger was still there and spoiling for a
fight. If she thought I was one of the bad guys then I was in
serious trouble, fortunately inspiration came to me.



"I am the Farm Hand Protector. I will always be there to protect
you when you and your fellow Farm Animal Cavaliers have need of
me. Now, Milk Cow Avenger, I must take this misguided with me.
The Hayride of Purification will redeem her. But you must always
remember to be eternally vigilant, for it is your sworn duty to
see to it that all the people of the world have fresh meat and
vegetables. The power of the Farm is within you, if you have
faith in yourself you can never be defeated."



I have never felt nearly as stupid as I did while giving that
speech. Not even that time I ran into the knife a suspect was
threatening me with did I feel nearly as stupid. It seemed to
work though. Working, in this case, meaning that no lethal
attacks with cute names were aimed at me as I got out of their as
fast as I could in my injured state. One cell phone call later I
had arranged to deliver her to my clients.



"Here you go Mr. Shinora, a check for four million yen. Now would
you care to join us? We're here to see that the Sailor H. Fan
Club will be employing sufficient security measures, to make sure
that she is never unleashed upon society at large again."

"We like the measures you've taken so far!"



I had taken extremely paranoid precautions in dealing with Sailor
H. Heavy duty handcuffs, heavy-duty ankle bracelets, a muzzle,
and even a blindfold just in case she has some kind of gaze
attack. Needless to say, her fans were quite entertained. However
she was starting to wake up and I wanted to be very far away when
she came to.



"Unfortunately, I have a pressing appointment and must be going.
Sayonara."



The next day I read in the paper about how their building had
been destroyed in a mysterious explosion. Their leaders having
been killed, both the Magical Girl Role-Model League and the
Unofficial Sailor H. Fan Club faded into obscurity. Oh, and my
check bounced.



Next time I consider accepting a bounty on a Magical Knight, I
hope someone shoots me.