Improfanfic Presents...
An Aaron Shattuck Creation

MAGICAL GIRL HUNTER


Now, shooting "Kyo" wasn't exactly FUN, but it was something I had been
wanting to do for a few days now, so I really should admit that I enjoyed
it.

"He", however, didn't seem to think it was enjoyable at all. I couldn't
tell from his face, of course, it being gone and all, but I somehow got
that impression. Strangely, "Mai" didn't seem to care one way or the
other.

"Maybe," I said, infusing my voice with enough happy-happy sweetness to
irritate even a magical girl, "You'd like to tell me something?"

I think I may have gotten through to her, or maybe it was just the view
down the barrel, but her mouth was open when she was interrupted.

I heard a shout from behind me of "BURNING SIENNA BLAST!", and the air
flashed an ugly red-brown, but I didn't realize what had happened until
"Mai"'s body hit the ground, an ashy stump atop her neck instead of the
more generally expected head.

Shit. So much for a stealthy escape.

Episode 5: Strategic Withdrawal

By David H. Siegel

I spun, bringing my Uzi to bear on whoever had just roasted the head of
the faux-female I had been talking to. Unfortunately, it wasn't one girl,
it was five. The one in front had her crayon shaped wand extended infront
of her. As if on cue, the other four matched her pose and began gesturing
in unison.

"Like the colors of the Rainbow, all people should work together in
goodness and harmony! We are the Shining Crayon Knights! With the
righteous power of...
Burnt Sienna!
Raw Sienna!
Fuchsia!
Thistle!
and Green Yellow!
We will ERADICATE all who stand in the way of pure goodness and light!"
They all pointed at me, holding their final pose for a moment, as if
waiting for a photo.

This just shot everything to hell. They had me completely outgunned, each waving
one of those stupid crayon-wands, each wand glowing with the appropriate
color. I put on my best "innocent bystander" face and slipped my Uzi back
into my pants, hoping they hadn't noticed that I had been pointing it at
them.

"Thank goodness for you, Crayon Knights! That terrible woman was going to
HURT me. I only wish that there were more heroic girls like you
out there..." They ate that spiel up like puppies. Then the one in front,
one of the two brownish ones, launched into her own spiel.

"You were lucky, sir. The woman who you faced was the dreaded Mai Super.
She and her foul partner, Kyo Hyper, stand just below Mahaisashi Ultra in 
the ranks of the Evil Empire."

I could only nod dumbly at that statement, and luckily, Itami took that as
a signal to make Knight Thistle's head explode. Perhaps "Explode" isn't
the right word, but its pretty damn close to what happens to a
schoolgirl's skull when you put a Magnum Hollow-Point into it.

Before any of them could get off any of their energy beams, I'd taken care
of Green Yellow and Raw Sienna with my hastily recovered Uzi, Itami had
reduced Burnt Sienna's chest to a red, bubbling pulp, and Fuchsia was
suspended a good foot off the ground by H's whip. I was about to ask the
Knight where the exit was, but H took that moment to break the girl's
neck. I just shrugged.

I waved my two companions over, and after we had been careful to stomp all
five of the the color-coded peeping chicks, I preempted Sailor H's rant at
me for bringing the Prism Patrol down on our heads, and asked Itami if he
could do anything with the crate of dynamite our ertswhile, but now dead,
colleagues had left.

Itami almost smiled.

Within seconds, he had set their timer for five minutes, and we rushed for
one of the walls, one that had what looked like a door in it.

We made it there without much trouble (I think all the goons were
changing back into their goon clothing. I can't blame them. That armor
looked mighty uncomfortable.), but unfortunately, there was no door,
just an irregularly shaped patch of mildew.

Wait.

Mildew on Marble?
I punched the wall. Either we were getting out, or I was breaking my hand.

I was pleasantly unsurprised when my fist went right through.

Plywood. The whole thing was plywood. It took us no more than a
quarter-minute to break through the stage-set marble.

Once we had burst through, we found that the whole "Paradise" setting was
enclosed in some kind of soundstage. The metal walls formed a dome high
overhead. Right out in front of us was a metal door marked exit and
invitingly open.

Unfortunately, the hallway behind that door wasn't quite so inviting. Like
most of the hallways the last time I was here, this one had those
happy-cute-deadly wands every few feet along the ceiling.

I and Itami, both having seen, or experienced firsthand in his case, what
those things can do to people, came to a dead stop before the entrance. 
Sailor H, having, as usual, no clue at all,
stepped blithely in.

Itami managed to grab her before she turned into bad-guy dust, and they
both ended up on the floor. She cooed something, and it suddenly looked
like I had to find our way out myself.

Suppressing my voyeuristic tendencies, I tried to think of a way to get us
past those wands of doom. I pulled out one of my darts, hoping it would
work again. I threw it, and the rods tracked and destroyed it, and
immmediately reoriented. No luck there.

I decided to give up on the hallway, and, stepping over the struggling
form of Itami and the persistent form of H, I began to search for a vent.
I had searched almost a quarter of the way around the room when I heard
gunshots back from where I had left the over-eager couple. (Or over-eager
sailor and her unprotesting playmate).

I rushed back, and instead of the disaster I had expected, I merely found
Itami methodically shooting out the rods. Blunt, but that's Itami. I also
found those wonderful black vinyl panties a good yard from their owner.

"Enjoy your break?" I asked my partner.
As usual, he just sort of gave a "hnnn" in return.
Sailor H just tittered irritatingly.

In hindsight, we should have been a bit more careful as we went down the
hallway. The last time we had resorted to gunplay, we had found ourselves
surrounded by color-obsessed schoolgirls.

We really should have been ready for the Yoma that stepped out of a
storage closet.

But, really, Yoma LYSOL?

Me and Itami both started blazing away, but as is sometimes our luck,
nothing much seemed to happen. Sailor H, though she was whipping with
all her might, didn't manage to do much more. The fumes were really
starting to get to me when Itami pulled out something a bit stronger. Some
may say that a grenade is a bad idea in an enclosed hallway, and normally
I'd agree with them, but I REALLY wanted to get out of there before the
Rainbow Brite Brigade decided to investigate.

I landed ten feet back, my ears ringing to beat the band. Lysol was some
sparkles and a chemical smell, and I had even gotten what would have been
a glimpse of panty when Sailor H flew over me. If, of course, her panties
hadn't been at the other end of the hallway. I reminded myself again to
ask Itami if he thought an attempt by me would be poaching.

From there on, it was like getting in the first time was. Cover business,
cover security, cover guard dogs, cover inventory, even a cover story for
the large hole that had been blown in the front of the building. We
finally made it out to the street.

I turned left, hoping to head back to the office for a bit to regroup,
reload, plan for tomorrow, have that talk with Itami...

Itami and Sailor H turned right, towards what I knew what was his
apartment. I sighed and crossed "Talk with Itami about Sailor H" off my
mental to-do list. A breeze blew Sailor H's skirt up, and I sighed again.

I finally made it back to the office, dead tired and feeling the bruises
from Itami's grenade. I was already in the door when I noticed the figure
behind my desk.

I flipped on the light, and "Kyo" turned his best smile on me.

"Hi!" he said, even more annoyingly chipper than I had been before I had
blown his head off. "Sit down, lets have a chat."

"Yes," said "Mai"'s voice from behind me. "We really do need to have a
little chat, Yoshi."

Shit. They even knew my name.

End Episode 5

Special Thanks To:
Crayola.com
KMFDM