SELECTED BY TRICKSTER GODS OF FATE TO WRITE THE UNLUCKY 13th EPISODE OF MAGICAL GIRL HUNTERS, COLIN WALES MUST RACK HIS BRAIN FOR A SUITABLE TITLE FOR SUCH A MOMENTOUS OCCASION. WILL HE SUCCEED, OR WILL HIS TITLE SUCK LIKE A WET-DRY VAC? FIND OUT, IN THE EPISODE WE CALL: Magical Girl Hunters episode 13: "Pure Dumb Luck" by Colin Wales Magical Girl Hunters created by Aaron Shattuck. **************** "Someone, please--" I moaned, "lob a large bomb into the room... or just shoot me now." Aika obliged with the former, flinging in one of her Whupass canisters and yanking the door shut. I turned to see Mai pointing his gun at my head. "Just in case nobody had a bomb", he quipped, lowering the weapon, as we all scrambled away from the door, Itami pulling the incredibly calm Reika Ichiko along. There was a sastisfyingly-loud BA-WHOOOOM from behind the door, which promptly flew off its hinges. I didn't seriously expect the blast to hurt anything inside, unfortunately, but I was hoping that the blast would cause some confusion and regrouping among the trio within, giving us time enough to get the hell out. "Okay, I'm sold for now," I growled in Reika's direction. "Plus you're offering more money than Ramsbottoms guns are worth, and your info seems to be more forthcoming and genuine than his. However, we've been screwed over a lot lately, and the moment I find out you're playing the sucker game with us, I extract your brain out your nose." "Fair enough," she said evenly. Researching things like the Necronomicute must really leave one with nerves of titanium, I mused. "Problem," said Itami. "There's Sailor Shuggoths and some THING fighting back there--" He jerked a thumb the way we'd come in-- "and our old friends are there--" pointing at the smoking doorframe we'd just blasted-- "and all these other rooms are dead-end storage areas. No third way out." "Good point," I mumbled, but Reika chimed in again. "I can keep the Sailors at bay while we go past them." "What's the bad news?" I asked. "How do you know there's bad news?" she asked, curiously. "Oh, there just HAS to be... It's the way things are these days...." "Ah. Well, I can keep the Sailor Shuggoths at bay, but I can't destroy them. They can follow us, and I can only keep them at bay for so long. But besides that, there's other things roaming the building aside from the Sailors." It figured. "Well, frankly, I'm willing to risk it, rather than try and get through the Undead Kawaii in the other room..." And speaking of which, I was hearing some rather unfriendly sounding noises from that room. Time to go. "Let's move, people," I barked. And with that, we hustled out the door, back the way we came. There was no other way to go-- we wound up back in the same room where we'd left The Sailors and-- what did Reika call it?-- the Shambler. The scene hadn't gotten any more pleasant. The Shambler was still clawing and biting viciously at the Sailors, but it was clear that whatever was holding it together wouldn't last much longer. The Sailors looked tired, and their fukus were shredded, but each time the creature sliced a chunk out of one, the flesh turned black and melted closed, then re-colored itself so that it looked like no injury had ever happened. Even the de-atomizers we were using couldn't disintegrate them fast enough to stop them from re-forming. We TRIED to dart out of the room while the Sailors had their hands full, but the Shambler finally fell over with a shriek, thumping to the ground with a messy splat. As one, the Sailors turned towards us. We scrambled out another door as they advanced, and I yelled to Reika-- "Whatever voodoo you're going to use, you better do it now--" Reika nodded, and began to chant, something in a language I didn't know-- strange words that made the inside of my ears itch. Annoying to me, but obviously worse for the Sailors, who shopped short with girlish yelps, and backed away-- --but didn't completely leave. They backed off, till they were about 10 yards away. The others had filtered out the door, and I grabbed Reika by the arm and led her down the hallway. The scouts stayed back, but followed, remaining 10 yards away. The predicament was obvious. As soon as Reika became too tired or hoarse to chant, they'd be all over us. Well, first we had to get out of the building, and into a wider area where we'd have a slightly better chance of eluding or fighting the Sailors. I followed the backs of my retreating associates, and wondered who had point. I was right behind Kyo, who was behind Mai, who was turning a corner-- I ran, and turned the corner, and crashed into Kyo's back, tossing her forward into Mai, who was already sprawled over Itami, H, and Akia, who, at the bottom of the dogpile, was weakly bleating, "Sorry guys... wrong turn..." Reika stumbled into me, and wavered her chant a bit, as I looked into the room we'd burst into. The room was a bare concrete cell, with one weak light and no exit. That was bad enough, but the creature in the middle was far worse. It was very similar to the shuggoths we'd seen before (not the ones in girl-shape), but oiler and larger, and festooned with long ropy tentacles of various lengths and thicknesses, each terminating in a knobby growth that reminded me in a vague way of-- "EEEEEEWW GROOOOOOOOOOSSS!!!" Shrieked Aika and Kyo almost in unison, and even Sailor H was blushing in shock. Itami was expressionless, but looked a little ill. Mai was pale and grim. Reika's voice chanting all the while, however, was calm and even. She obviously knew what this was. "Dangerous, right?" I asked her. She nodded as she chanted. I sighed, and my stomach roiled a bit. "I don't suppose your chant works on it too?" She shook her head. Something sort of inside the creature growled, and it slithered forward, tentacles reaching forward inquisitively. Aika screamed and jumped back, and Kyo slapped one tentacle with a resounding SMACK!-- "NEVER on the first date!" she yelped. The thing roared-- foul, musty smells filled the air-- and we emptied out of the room as it charged. Not having the benefit of a protective chant, we had to move a lot quicker. I pushed the chanting Reika ahead of me, and her chant was making the Sailor Shuggoths back away as we approached. "Point the way out," I muttered into Reika's ear, and she raised an arm when we got to an intersection in the hallway. Following her cue, I hustled her down the corridor, and the others followed after me. The Sailors had been pushed past the intersection by the chant, and we seemed to have a clear path in front of us again. I looked back-- the Sailors began to follow, but then stopped... and the tentacled creature slid past them and after us. "Let our brother deal with them," one of the Sailor Shuggoths said. "It has been too long since he has had some exercise." "You might as well stop chanting," I said to Reika, whose voice was beginning to get a little scratchy-sounding. As the chant ceased, she picked up her pace, and I no longer had to push her along to keep pace. The lot of us fled down the corridor and passed through a doorway. Reika flung herself to one side and let the rest of us pass, and then her arm shot out and stabbed at a panel set in the wall, at which point a thick metal panel slid into place, closing the passageway behind us. There was a loud slam as the creature barreled into the barrier, denting it. We could hear it roar in frustration, then a series of impacts as it smashed into the steel over and over again. We ran, and came into a room, at which point Reika called out for us to stop. "We have a few minutes to catch our breath," she said, "But that won't hold it forever. Fortunately it is too stupid to realize that the walls on either side of it are just drywall and wood-- but it has sensed female flesh, and will not stop until it is destroyed now." "EEEEWWW!!" chorused the females in the group. However, I did notice a thoughtful look flit across Sailor H's face. "So how do we get OUT of this place?" grumbled Mai. "That door will lead us out. We should go now, since the Sailor Shuggoths will soon figure out what happened, and the Tentacled Brother will soon be through the barrier." "We're fighting a losing battle," Itami pointed out. "We can't hurt these things enough, and we're going to run out of steam pretty soon." "Thanks a lot, Mister Optimism," snorted Mai. Itami shrugged, as if he'd merely pointed out a moderately interesting-looking building. "Wait." We turned. Sailor H had a troubled look on her face. "There is a way." There was a long pause, and I blurted out, "Well-- what IS it???" "Come on, Yoi-- this is difficult for me. I can't do anything about the Sailor Shuggoths-- but I think I can take out that, um, thing..." "What? How?" ".......my H powers," she muttered, uneasily. "I can use my H powers to destroy it." "What H powers?" Kyo asked. "What are you talking about?" "Hey-- I'm Sailor H, you fashion-deranged bimbo," H snapped. "I didn't get the name just for being tough, or just because I dress in a black leather-and-vinyl fuku. Believe me-- I have all sorts of H powers. Problem is-- they don't exactly work on cue. I can't just yell 'H attack!' or some stupid thing and have something happen-- the situation has to be right." "Did you know anything about this?" I asked Itami. He shrugged, looking about as bewildered as I've ever seen him look, which wasn't really that much-- but for Itami it was impressive. "So-- you think this is one of those situations, H?" "Maybe... but it's going to be rough... and I'm gonna need some help, as much as it galls me to say it... from you, Yoi." I swear I meant to control my voice, but it squeaked anyway. "me?" "Yeah," she sighed. "You gotta help me unleash my H powers." All eyes were on me, including Itami's, and the stares weren't helping the situation. "Wha-- I mean-- How?" "Well, first you gotta tie me up," she said. "My H powers always increase when I'm tied up." "What a load of crap!" snorted Kyo. "Mai and I had you tied up, and I never saw a hint of 'H power'!" "I hadn't decided whether or not to make your head explode for a second time, tootsie," H growled, "but I could've put the both of you down the moment the cuffs went on. And let me tell you-- the leash was a nice touch-- gave me a real boost. You wouldn't happen to have it on you right now, do you?" "You're serious..." Kyo's voice trailed off... "Damn straight. No leash, huh? Well, I always carry some rope with me for just such an emergency." She reached one arm down the back of her fuku, and I swear she pulled out a large coil of rope, which she tossed at me. I began to see where this was going. "Wait-- why me? I mean, you and Itami--" "Itami's wonderful, and I wish this would work with him, but he just doesn't have the right... um... sense of imagination, if you get what I mean. Aika's too young and naive, Mai and Kyo aren't exactly running on the same track as me, y'know-- I don't know anything about HER--" she pointed at Reika, "but I get the sense that this'd be old, boring news to her. But YOU, Yoi--" She fixed me with an intent gaze-- "You look at me every chance you get, and pardon me for saying it, but I can sense that you've been dateless and frustrated for a little while now-- " I felt the blood drain in and out of my face as she spoke-- "no, you weren't that obvious, I can just tell, it's an H thing-- you oughta hear what I get from the rest of this crowd--" My feelings were mollified a bit by the embarrased looks drifting across the other's faces-- "but the upshot of all this is, you're the one best suited for the job at hand-- horny and imaginative and despite what you might say, slowly becoming more interested with each second..." I had to admit she had me there. Itami was shooting me some looks which I tried to avoid, and then H started to take charge. "Okay, all of you except Yoi get out of here. Most of you probably don't want to see this, and there's no point in you guys getting caught by the Shuggoths." "What about her?" Akia asked, indicating Reika. I decided to step back into leader mode. "Take her to the office-- no my apartment, someone might be watching the office-- and keep her there-- when we get done here I'll want to have a long talk with her-- and you two!" I said, turning to Mai and Kyo, "You be there too, because I REALLY want to have a good long talk with YOU." Mai opened his mouth, and I added, "If this works, and I get back and you're not at my place, I will be incredibly upset, and then you do NOT want me and Itami to have to come and FIND you." Mai closed his mouth. The others left. I was standing there with a length of rope in my hand, and I could hear metal screeching and bending down a corridor... and there was Sailor H. "Um... so..." I desperately tried not to stammer... "Now what?" "Tie me up, Yoi," she said. I looped the rope around her arms a couple times, and she shook her head. "No, no-- this is how you tie someone up if you just don't want to them to move-- relax, Yoi, and think-- deep down, if we weren't about to be attacked by a monster and we were alone and Hell froze over-- how would you REALLY WANT to tie me up....?" It was pretty simple, after she said that. Every last subconscious fantasy I'd had since my last date came bubbling up to the surface, and I began to tie her, pulling an arm this way, her leg that way, contorting her into positions that just could NOT have been comfortable, but which she looked extremely interesting in... support posts and random bits of furniture entered the equation... She looked at me as I stepped back to admire my work. "Okay-- that's about enough-- I'm tied up in a darn helpless manner. Now pull my blouse up." I felt a capillary pulse dangerously in my sinuses. "Are you sure...?" She fixed me with a stare again. "Yoi. I'm tied up. It's not like I could stop you..." In the back of my head, I remembered what she'd said to Kyo earlier, but my hands reached forward and gripped the leather of her blouse, pulling it up, revealing the smooth, flat expanse of her abdomen-- further up... I just noticed that Sailor H was wearing no bra, when she said, "That's enough. Pull the skirt up a bit." I did, and got a good look at her thighs, her hips-- oh, and the black vinyl panties, of course. "All right, Yoi-- pull those down..." I noticed I was sweating, probably more in the last couple minutes than in the last two years of my life... I reached to her hips, hooked my fingers between skin and vinyl... They began to slide down a bit, and H interrupted. "Okay, that's it. Now get back and down the corridor a ways." "Whu-whu-- huh? Now? When I'm almo--" I couldn't finish a thought. "But-- I-- whuh?" "H gets the most power from denial and frustration, Yoi." I stood there, mouth working silently. "Besides," she continued, "There's no more time." She was right-- a crash of metal signaled that the barrier had given way. I almost froze, but instead, I slid my hands up H's midriff, under the hiked-up blouse, and gave her a quick, firm, and gratifying squeeze. "Hey--!" she protested-- "Look," I said, as I trotted off to the other hallway-- "if this DOESN'T work, I don't want to die without having had a LITTLE something for my efforts..." As I retreated, I noticed that she had been right about something-- there was H power in the air, literally. I hadn't noticed it earlier, but it was crackling and sparking all about like a cat that had been attacked by a rabid carpet, tickling and stinging me as I moved through it-- and then I was down the hallway a few feet as the creature boiled into the room. There it was, and there SHE was, tied up and disheveled in the middle of the room, seemingly helpless and vulnerable and extremely delectable-- and without preamble, the creature took her. I can't describe any of what happened next, not without busting laws in several countries. You probably have a good idea. Think of the naughtiest picture with tentacles you ever pulled off the Internet and multiply it by a nice round thousand. If you don't have any idea of what I'm talking about, never mind. It was horrible. It was the worst thing I've ever seen happen to another human being. And I still couldn't help wishing that I'd had a video camera. Just as I thought that it was getting too terrible for H to survive-- that there was no way even a gifted double-jointed human like Sailor H was could take what was happening to her and live-- the energy in the room intensified-- and the creature let out an ear-shattering screech as it came apart. Ozone filled my nose as blinding, crackling energy ripped into the creature, tearing it into smaller bits of smoking meat, crisping it further into chunks of charcaol and swirling ash-- it let out one last bellow and blew into fragments, which scattered about the room, spraying burnt creature-flesh and gore... and stuff... everywhere. When the spots in my eyes cleared, I came back into the room. Sailor H was sprawled unconscious in the middle of a steaming pool of slime. I darted back down the hall to find a washroom-- and I found a bucket and filled it with cool water. When I got back, I sluiced H off with most of the bucket, then tossed the last fifth of the water into my own face. H sputtered and came around, and I helped her to her feet, trying to arrange the tattered remnants of her fuku into as much modesty as was possible (which wasn't all that much at this point). I gave it up and draped my jacket over her. "You know... there's a reason they call orgasms 'the little death'," she croaked as I lead her out of the building. We finally made it out to the street, walked a few yards, then looked up. The five Sailor Shuggoths were standing there, in identical poses, in a neat little line. One spoke. "We felt it when the Brother was destroyed. Your companions have eluded us, but after we destroy you, they will be hunted down. Now prepare for death." I fumbled for a de-atomizer, but they approached without even a hint of concern. "Sorry," I muttered to H. "Looks like it was for nothing. The only thing that could save us now is something nastier thatn the Shuggoths." "Fat chance," she murmered back. "Those things are all evil black oil inside... what else do you know of that has an inside scarier than that?" "VEGEANCE! Vengeance upon the one who took the life of my poor tragic Princess Love!!" It couldn't be. But, nevertheless, all heads turned to see who had uttered that oath-- And there, across the street, gesturing in our (specifically my) direction, was Prettyboy Warrior Nekomi Tech Kamen. Now, I had thought that getting his back broken by a speeding motorcycle and just being generally beaten into a pulp would have finished him, but here the chubby creep was. "Ha! You thought me dead-- but the power I command has healed me, even though it still aches considerably when it rains! And now--" Beady eyes shifted behind thick glasses towards the five Sailor Shuggoths. "Who are you? Do you dare defend this murdering villain?" "Oh, gee, that hurts," I muttered, rolling my eyes. Then I noticed that The Sailor Shuggoths seemed to be paying very little attention to H and I. As one, their attention was riveted on Kamen. We moved back a ways, but they didn't notice. Suddenly as one, the Sailors walked to the Prettyboy Warrior and surrounded him. "Who is this?" said one. "What feeling is this, stirring inside?" said another. "Why is there this fascination?" My jaw dropped, and I swear I heard H gag. But the evidence was there-- The Sailor Shuggoths were all staring at the PWNTKamen with an undeniably rapturous look in their eyes. And Kamen was nervously staring back from one to another. "Wh- who are they, Yoi, y-you bastard??" "Allow me to introduce you to the Sailor Shuggoths. That's Orl, and Yib, and-- ah, hell, I can't pronounce the rest of them." "He resonates within me," said one, in a really creepy but affectionate voice. "I wish to remain close to him," said another. "I wish to gratify his desires," breathed another. Kamen still seemed jittery and nervous, but for a different reason. His eyes roved over the forms of the Sailor Shuggoths, who, if you didn't know that they were oily black and evil inside, were actually fairly attractive. He grinned weakly. "Really?" he squeaked. My gut roiled again. "I don't believe this..." H seemed to be getting her legs back, and she stood and shook her head. "Not that surprising, really... the cultists are gone, and the Shuggoths are being drawn to a soul that's actually as oily and dark inside as they are-- and all this poor obsessive creep needs is another girlfriend-- or five-- in a really short skirt." "We just couldn't GET that lucky, H..." "Get a load of this. Hey Prettyboy! How about we make an appointment for when you're gonna destroy Yoi for killing Princess Love?" Kamen barely looked at H. "Princess who?" H yelled again. "Yo, Shuggoths! How about that Shub-Niggurath? Bet she's going to be mucho ticked off about us escaping!" The Sailors blinked in unison. Their heads swiveled to us, then back to Kamen. "Is it your desire that we destroy these two, master?" said one Sailor. "--huh? Them? What for?" "We know not, master." said another. "Then leave 'em alone... besides, Yoi's the one who introduced us..." In perfect coordination, The Sailors giggled and waved at me. "Thaaaank you, Yoi!" they chirped as one, sending my skin into an uncontrollable crawling fit. "Let's let the others know we survived, H," I groaned, and we began to walk away-- but suddenly I turned again, and dashed to where the Sailor Shuggoths were beginning to cuddle next to the Prettyboy Warrior. "Look, I just can't let you do this-- even you deserve to know," I told Kamen, as Shuggoths cooed affectionately around him, "These aren't really girls! They're soulless creatures in the shape of girls-- they aren't human at all-- they're THINGS!" Kamen stared for a moment as he digested the information. "So they have no feelings." "That's right." "So I could do anything I wanted to them and they wouldn't complain or leave me or anything-- plus it'd be legal, since they aren't really human beings! COOOOL!" I just couldn't say a thing, so I walked away, listening to a fading chorus of giggles and "Yes Master"s... *************** H and I staggered into my apartment. Itami looked pretty agitated, and I think he was going to say something about me "helping out with the H-powers", but everyone drew back a little when they saw the harrowed looks on H's face and mine, and Itami settled down a bit, and H spoke as I closed the door behind us-- "Let us never EVER speak of this night ever again." And that seemed to settle it. Itami would give me an odd look from time to time, but things quickly settled into the usual pattern. Sailor H took the longest shower in the history of creation and when she emerged, she was as obnoxious towards me as ever-- probably more so, since I'd actually witnessed-- well, you know. After I'd gotten myself cleaned up as well, I took stock of the situation. The Sailor Shuggoths were probably no longer a threat-- but Mashihaisha Ultra was still around, and now Captain Kawaii was back. And this Shub-Niggurath was without an organized cult for the moment, but I bet she/it would be hitting the fan soon enough. 3 of 4 targets we'd been hired to eliminate were gone, and the last one was in custody, more or less. Now I needed to decide who I was going to trust to deliver me information-- the time-warping Nigel Ramsbottom, or the cultist Reika Ichiko. Reika: developed evil sorcerous research. Nigel: can stop time. Nigel: mysterious motives and origin. Reika: mysterious motives and origin. Nigel: Pays with information and artillery. Reika: Information and cash. Nigel: Virtually no indication of the worth of his information. Reika: Provided samples. Come to think of it-- the weapons that Nigel Ramsbottom provided were pretty good, but ultimately not worth a damn against the Sailor Shuggoths, and though it galled me to admit it, if the Prettyboy Warrior hadn't shown up out of the blue, we'd all probably be dead. Perhaps he was unaware of the Sailors-- but we'd been shafted too much lately for me to completely discount the idea that maybe we weren't intended to survive. Then again, though her info proved valuable so far, Reika was definitely acting under duress, and who knows what promises she'd make to preserve her own life. Did she even HAVE the money she offered? And why was she so willing to just cave in and turn against all these nasty entities she was working with/for? And what was all this with Mai and Kyo? And what was I gonna do about that fishing operation that stiffed us? And where was Sailor H gonna find another leather and vinyl ensemble............? I fell asleep on the kitchen table. The smell of fresh coffee brought me awake again. I jerked my head up, and there was Reika, sitting across from me, sipping from one of my mugs. Her eyes drifted to me as I sat up, and she smiled. "Well good evening. Or morning." I looked around. It was still night... Itami and H were napping together on the couch. Compared to what I'd seen earlier, this was downright adorable, though I'd never say that to their faces. Aika was sitting in the easy chair, head tilted back, snoring a little. Mai and Kyo were each sitting against a wall, snoozing. "How long," I asked, not really wanting to know, "has everybody but you been asleep--?" "About half an hour." "And I suppose it never occurred to you to cut all our throats and scram?" "It did-- but what would that get me? Neither Shub-Niggurath nor Mashihaisha Ultra take betrayal well, and I'd say that's what I've done. Plus, Nigel Ramsbottom may have agents other than yourselves out there. No, killing you would have only gained me a temporary moment of freedom. If I am to survive, I need to form an alliance capable of defending me against these other forces. And at the moment, my best hope lies with you, Yoi, and your little band." "And why did you betray them, anyway? After all, they're the ones with the really big guns, and it was sheer luck that we weren't all killed..." "Was it luck? Do you believe in karma, Yoi?" I blinked a bit to clear my eyes, and took the time to look her over, without the distractions of monsters and explosions. Reika was an attractive young woman, straight black shoulder-length hair, curvy figure, neatly attired in a business ensemble-- I'd've guessed her to be around 19 or so, except for the eyes-- which held a clear focused gaze that suggested far more living than your average late-teens secretary... I sighed. "I used to believe there wasn't any such thing as magic, but then there were magical girls. Over the years I've seen so much bizarre stuff that I'll believe in anything, though I don't take it too seriously. I am familiar with the concept..." "Most take it to mean that if you do Good, good will come back to you. But I personally feel that the universe seeks a balance-- that if Evil begins to dominate, forces will come into play that bring Evil down to an equal level with good-- And in the same fashion, if Good should ascend, the universe tilts to correct the imbalance." "A friend of mine says it's less Good and Evil than it is Us and Them..." "The principle still holds. Now consider that when youma arrived, seemingly from nowhere for no reason, Magical Girls appeared as if in a response, and began to combat them. The youma increased, the number of Magical Girls increased. Suddenly there is an excess of both sides, but if you were to keep careful count, you will find that the number of Magical Girls is increasing far out of proportion to the increase in youma and other such baneful creatures. Tell me-- if you wanted to go out and find a Magical Girl for some random reason, how difficult would it be?" "Not very, I must admit. Sometimes it seems they're finding us..." "And, despite your recent experience, how often do you encounter youma?" "Not as often-- but that could be due to the nature of my work..." "That itself is a sign of something amiss. Why do the Police look the other way when you fulfill a contract? How is it two more-or-less mortal men have managed to survive battles with devastating magical beings-- not only that, but also eliminate them?" "An excess of automatic weapons and explosives?" She smiled. "Or... perhaps there is a balance that needs to be restored. Perhaps the universe is trying to right itself. Could it be that there is fountain-- no, a veritable geyser of karma-- or luck, if you will-- available to those who might serve as tools to correct the balance?" I chewed on that. Balance. I remembered the knife Keikaku had given me, with the symbol of balance on the pommel. Funny, I never thought about it during the battle, though if it did posess mystic properties, they might've been handy... almost as if there was never a proper moment for it. "So... you're implying that by killing Magical Girls, Itami and I are actually doing the universe a favor." "Assuming there is an imbalance, yes..." "Okay. Well, if nothing else, this'll help me rationalize the whole killing people for money thing a little better. Speaking of money-- do you truly have 3 million yen to keep us from doing you in?" "Do you take checks?" "Yes, but bounced checks incur a hefty return fee." She pulled out a checkbook and began to write. I glanced over, and if the figures on her ledger weren't faked, I was guessing she had more than plenty to cover the amount. She ripped the check free and held it up. "Do we have a contract?" I thought. "Yes, I think we do. Next time I see Ramsbottom, I'll call the deal off and return his firepower-- and he'll have to be satisfied with three out of four." I took the check. "And you can start in by telling me all this information you have on him and Mashihaisha Ultra and all this other stuff." "It'll take some time, and some of it it fairly complex. Do you want me to start now?" "No, it can wait a little-- but soon." "All right." She smiled again. "Just out of curiosity, what convinced you? The money? The information?" "Actually," I said as I got up to spend the last hour or two of the night in my comfortable bed, "you and Ramsbottom were tied overall-- but you're far cuter than he is..." **************** Amazingly enough, I woke up before everyone else, except perhaps Reika. I don't think she went to sleep at all. In any case, the light of dawn was streaming through the windows, and everyone was still dozing in the main room, which gave me the sadistic pleasure of waking them all up. Some, like Itami, I had to prod with sticks from a distance in order to avoid reflexive knife attacks, but soon I had everyone awake and grumbling. As for myself, despite everything, I felt pretty good-- almost energized. My little talk with Reika hadn't solved all my problems, but I did feel better about the situation, and somewhat more confident that we might get through this without getting shafted too bad. Of course, I should have realized that that was all just an illusion-- I should have run shrieking back into my room, locked the door, and stayed in there for a couple years. But what I actually did was say-- "Okay! Glad to see we're all up! Now we're going to straighten everything out, and boy won't that be FUN??" Grumbles all around, and dirty looks. Sometimes it felt good to torture people. "First off, let's start with the Wonder Twins here. And let me see if I've put this together right-- somehow, Mashihaisha Ultra has acquired the secret of bringing things back from the dead, and he got it from you two. Yes, I think there's some explaining to be done here." Mai scowled, but Kyo spoke up. "You know that we've been able to reconstitute ourselves, Yoi-- something that comes in handy when fighting youma. It is a secret we learned when we first became hunters." "I thought it was some sort of innate magical power. How'd Ultra manage to steal it from you?" Mai grumbled something under his breath. "What was that?" I asked, cheerily. "Do you have something to add?" "It was Haikite," he muttered after a pause. "Haikite learned the secret from me." "You TOLD him??" "Well-- I didn't know it was HIM-- we were out on a date together--" I swallowed my tongue briefly, but a coughing fit dislodged it again. "He was in DISGUISE! We were BOTH in disguise! Multiple disguises and illusions! And we were both playing our characters so well, neither of us suspected a thing!" Mai seemed uncomfortable. "So on our fifth date, I got a little drunk, and to impress my date, I revealed the secret of returning from the dead." "To impress your date..." I repeated numbly. Mai seemed a little embarrased. "Well... while in disguise, Haikite was a keeper... and the sex was really good..." "That's more than I need to know," I interjected, hastily. "So this secret is something you can just LEARN-- you don't have to be special or anything?" "Pretty much," Kyo said, "Though it helps if you're able to tap into the mystic forces..." "So you're telling me that once you know the secret, it's utterly SIMPLE to come back to life-- that any dumbass who knows the secret can ressurect himself or even anyone else??" "Well..." "And therefore, even if we manage to knock off that little horror Captain Kawaii a second time, she'll just be back in a couple hours? And that Ultra might decide to ressurect whatever other corpses he has around, like say, Marshall Rose or the sixty-FRICKIN'-four Crayon Knights?? Is THAT what you're saying to me??" Kyo and Mai said nothing, but had the good grace to look REALLY embarrased. "Well, that's swell." I paced around a while. "I've always avoided getting this close to this magic crap for a reason, but things might be getting a little too hairy now. So." I turned to the pair. "I think you should teach the rest of us the secret of coming back from the dead." Kyo blanched, and Mai turned red in outrage-- "That is a SACRED secret!" he bellowed. "I would not see it fall into the hands of one who deliberately assassinates the forces of Good--!" "No, you'd just impress your nookie with it--" Mai stepped forward in a rage, and the rest of the room tensed, expecting a fight, but Reika spoke. "Actually, it's probably better you don't, Yoi." "Oh?" She spoke in such a self-assured tone that I was already sure she had a good reason for the statement, but-- "Just why is that? Seems like coming back from the dead would be a good thing." "The system they use is not without its own cost. On one level, knowing you can be restored after getting killed can make one sloppy and ineffective-- why worry about dying if it is not permanent? I imagine if the truth were known, Mai and Kyo have, over time, been killed over and over, and far more often in recent years than when they started. They have become careless." A glance at the expressions on their faces confirmed this, and Reika continued. "On another, more sinister level, the spiritual cost is great. If someone dies, his soul passes on to what lies beyond. It either experiences eternal reward or damnation, or is wiped clean to reenter the plane of the living as a new, innocent soul. Now if you were to die, but your spirit was returned to you, touched but not cleansed by what lies beyond, do you honestly believe there would be no change? A soul who enters the other side even but briefly is altered. Sometimes the change is minor, other times dramatic. In any case, you become something different." Mai snorted. "Ridiculous. Kyo and I have died often and we are not different." "No? Were you always crossdressers?" As Mai blinked a few times, Reika continued, "Imagine a photograph that you copy with a xerox machine. The first copy will be very close to the original, but not exactly the same. Now make a copy of the copy, and the distortion increases. Each time you die it changes you, and you become more and more a parody of yourself, a rough approximation of what you once were. It can be so slow and gradual that you never notice it, but it will happen." "I dunno, Yoi," Aika said, "Y'know, I started out looking for a way to die-- I'm having enough fun at this hunting thing that I'm not so anxious to get killed now-- but I'd kinda like to have it as an option just in case, you know?" Good points all around. "Okay," I said. "Maybe ressurection isn't such a hot idea. But then I want as much info you can give on how it works, so that maybe we can find a way to counter it." "Counter it??" sputtered Mai. "But then you could use that information to kill Kyo and I for good, if we ever came into conflict again!" "Sixty-frickin'-four immortal Crayon Knights, led by M. Ultra." "We'll start writing ideas down." That was one problem addressed. Now time to collect more payment. "Reika. What can you tell us about Nigel Ramsbottom?" "Not a lot, but more than you know. Much as Mashihaisha Ultra turned out to be far more than he appeared to be, Nigel Ramsbottom is merely the outward shell of an entity who is acting on his, or its own designs. These designs conflict with those of Ultra and Shub-Niggurath. I know that he did not want my companions and I to assist Ultra, and I would surmise the contract was to prevent that from happening." "Hm... and were you finished with this assist when we entered the scene?" "Not completely. The ability to raise the dead was a large portion of what he wanted, but there's more to it than that." "So Ultra may want you back at some point... and Ramsbottom may still want you dead." "Quite probably." "And Shub-Niggurath?" "The cult still exists, but my three associates and I were most of the cult's command structure and it will take some time to rebuild it to any effective level without us. Besides, Shub-Niggurath is... less of an active entity. It is a very alien and ancient being that can afford to wait to achieve its goals." "What are those goals?" "Mmmm... paring it down to the essentials, Shub-niggurath wants to eat everything on Earth and replace all of its forms of life with things like the Shuggoths." "And Ultra wishes to ally himself with that?" "For convenience's sake only. For the moment, their desires are parallel, and each thinks that when their plans are fulfilled, the other will either be left behind or subservient." "I don't get all of this..." "Eventually you will. Ultra's goal is not so different from Shib-Niggurath's." My energized outlook was beginning to erode. "Okay, that's enough to absorb for now, and I think we should all try to relax for a little bit. Everybody go home. Itami, Aika, and you too, H, if you're still in on this-- today's a day off. We'll meet in the office tomorrow as usual, but everyone could use a vacation after yesterday." I paused for a moment. "Mai, Kyo-- I don't know what to do about you two yet. We'll be keeping office hours, so you can drop by if you care to share any info on how to trump this resurrection thing. Aside from that, well-- stay out of our way and we'll try to do the same." "What about Mashihaisha Ultra? He still has our secret--" Kyo squawked-- "Do you have any way to make him FORGET this little secret?" "Well, no--" "Then the damage is done, and worrying about it won't help-- unless you know a surefire way to kill Mashihaisha Ultra?" The comment was half-joking, but Mai and Kyo stiffened as if slapped hard. "KILL DADDY???" blurted Kyo. There was one full minute of dead silence in the room, before Mai chuckled nervously. "What a joker she is. Well, gotta go!" Mai hustled Kyo out the door, muttering "bigmouth!" as it slammed shut. Another full minute passed. "That was... unexpected," murmured H. I shook my head. "Okay, I don't get anything anymore. All the more reason to take a day off. This is just all too much absorb at once." Itami turned his head towards Reika. "What about her?" "Uhhh," I said in my most profound manner. "I guess she'll stay here with me. No doubt wherever she used to live is being watched by every nasty thing with an eye at the moment... and I don't suppose you feel like putting her up, Itami..." "He doesn't," snapped H. "Your folks take dangerous boarders, Pretty Deadly?" Aika shook her head. "I guess that's it then. Now scram, and try to take it easy, okay, people?" The others left, leaving me alone with Reika. She smiled at me, and I realized that I kind of enjoyed it when she did that. "Well," I said, "Do cultists enjoy breakfast?" She laughed a little. "I know a delightful place nearby that serves the most delicious waffles..." ********** Breakfast started quiet. I was pretty hungry, actually, and the waffles were, indeed, excellent. I also meant it when I said we needed some time to clear our heads, and I was desperately trying to figure out some line of conversation that wouldn't involve our respective jobs or anything that had been revealed in the last 72 hours. This, of course, left the weather, and even that was shaky ground. Finally Reika swallowed a bite of waffle and said, "It's okay, Yoi-- I'm not overwhelmed by recent events-- I can stand to talk about these things." "Well, I'm not sure I can," I muttered, but then I pushed my plate to the side. "Maybe I can after all. How DOES someone who appears totally charming and pleasant get involved in something like researching evil tomes and worshipping oozing hideous alien entities?" "It happens. One day you're in school, studying like all the other kids, and then you stumble across some old book that reveals that the universe is actually very scary and far more chaotic than you can imagine, and you begin to think that perhaps aligning yourself with something almost as scary and chaotic as the rest of the universe is a good way to keep yourself safe..." I stared blankly for a moment, and she continued. "A little persistence can go a long way. Once I learned of Shub-Niggurath's existence, it wasn't hard to track down others who felt like I did... And we found out that there was plenty of information and power to be had if we applied ourselves..." I swallowed, despite there not being anything in my mouth at the moment. "So... you never were bothered by the fact that other people might consider working for a being bent on destroying life as we know it... well, as being evil?" "Not really. Once you get past the fact that this world is being manipulated by forces far larger than can be imagined by the human mind, issues of Good and Evil take a backseat to the more pressing concern of maintaining one's sanity and life." "Huh." Strangely, this wasn't disturbing me as much as I thought it would. Sure, she wasn't a saint by any definition, but she was honest and straightforward-- a far cry from some of my clients, who painted their own evil with fancy rationalizations-- or the Magical Girls, who were willing to become nasty little mystic Nazis to preserve their ideal of what was "good"... no, she didn't try to justify what she was doing to others, she was direct and to-the-point, and I had to admire that. ************ We finished breakfast, and then wandered about the city. We went to my bank, where I deposited the check she'd written, and then we went shopping. "After all," she'd said, "if I'm going to be hiding out at your place for a while, I'll need a few changes of clothes... perhaps a cot or futon to sleep on..." It wasn't so bad, since she used her own money. I reminded myself to ask just how cults could be so lucrative... If you didn't know better, you'd think it was straight out of some holiday commercial, the decorations, the occasional sprinkle of snow onto the city, the shopping... ************** The next day, we assembled at the office. Mai and Kyo obviously didn't feel like they had anything to offer, since they never showed, but the rest of us sat around and brainstormed. "What about that 'Daddy' business?" Aika asked. "Are they really this Ultra guy's kids?" "Could be," I answered. "Though they didn't seem concerned when we were blowing up the room he was in-- 'course, they might've known the grenade wasn't likely to hurt him." I remembered Mai's little "joke", and wondered. "Well... they do seem to be opposed to his plans-- at the very least, they've done enough to thwart him here and there that I believe it's a genuine conflict. Maybe it's just the equivalent of teen rebellion, or they really are committed to fighting evil... whatever. We have bigger fish to fry." I turned to Reika. "I guess it's time to get to the nitty gritty now and ask just what Mashihaisha Ultra is after." Reika nodded. "Mashihaisha Ultra wants to utterly control the forces of both Good and Evil." There was a long pause. "That's it?" "Of course, it's not as simple as it sounds. He seeks to eliminate all the other sources of Good and Evil, or at the very least, subvert them to his will. This means he must control all the youma, all the other demons and creatures that terrorize mandkind-- as well as control all the sources of power for the youma hunters like Kyo and Mai-- and the forces that create Magical Girls as well." "And this is, in part, where your research came in?" "Yes-- we were providing him with much info on the evil side of things, and he was applying it in a number of imaginative ways. He was getting great results with applying evil tactics and forces towards the furthering of good ideals..." "Using evil to fight evil?" "More like using evil to supercharge good... like Captain Kawaii. She fought evil, but with a ruthlessness and savagery usually reserved for the most evil youma-- and thus, she was twice as effective as a Magical Girl with purely good motives." I groaned. It did make some sense, put like that... "but WHY? He's using both sides against each other-- but for what purpose? What's he gain by it?" Reika shook her head. "That I don't know. I do know he has a plan, and he's getting closer to fulfilling it." "Who IS Ultra, anyway? He's more than just some mystic freak bent on world slavery..." "As near as I can determine, Mashihaisha Ultra is of the seraphim-- an angel, more or less." "Uhh-- I caught his act with the Crayon Knights-- impressive-- but an angel, really? Seems a little downscale for a bonafide angel, don't you think?" "He may not be the most powerful angel there ever was-- or perhaps he's been stripped of power-- but he definitely has the aura of a divine and celestial being. Remember, the Satan mentioned by Christians was an angel himself..." "Uh, whatever. So is Nigel Ramsbottom some sort of angel too?" "No-- but he's more of an equal with Ultra than with any humans. He is a being apart from Ultra-- and, compared to him, is more devious and oblique in his strategies. He prefers to pull one or two strings to set intricate plans into motion, while Ultra is making a play to grab ALL the strings at once." "Do we have any idea what he's hoping to gain from this current crisis?" "No." Itami spoke, and I jumped a little. "Problem." "Yes, partner?" "We know his motives, but we don't know Ultra's actual plan. So we have to wait for him to make his move before we can act... also..." A worried look creased his brow. "I know, I know," I sighed. "There's no way I can see that we're going to get paid for any of this, either." The rest of the meeting was us griping with ourselves about what a raw deal we were getting. We also made up some imaginative plans for revenge on the fishing company that had stiffed us. *************** Days passed. Reika filled us in on little mundane details of how Mashihaisha Ultra was working his alliance with Shub-Niggurath, but nothing that was immediately useful. Aside from the day we went out and sank a certain company's ship in a spectacularly messy fashion, our days were spent fretting about when one of the badass supernatural forces was going to swoop down and snarf us up like so many lightly baked crackers. One unusual thing happened after one meeting. Itami and H had already left, and I was hustling Reika and Aika out of the office so I could lock up, when Aika piped up, asking, "Yoi? Can I talk to you for a moment?" I paused. "Sure, Aika, what is it?" She glanced at Reika, who was waiting patiently in the hallway. "Alone?" Reika smiled. "Don't worry, Yoi, I'll be waiting in the lobby." She walked down the hallway and down some steps... I looked back at Aika, who seemed nervous and indecisive. I was about to ask her what the matter was, when she blurted it out-- "Yoi-- do you like this Reika person? I mean, LIKE her?" The question startled me-- because it made me suddenly aware that I did like Reika, quite a bit-- and also because the way Aika asked it suggested that she might have a personal interest in the answer, and both realizations were just a little unsettling. "I... I like Reika. I do," I finally answered, "but I don't know yet just how much I like her." I had no idea how to continue-- this had all the potential to turn into one bad soap opera scene. I winced inwardly at the thought of Aika bursting into tears as she dramatically confessed that she'd always loved me-- and then what was I going to do? Suddenly declare I loved her, too, which I didn't think I did? Or tell her she was too young for me or not my type or something just as devastating? I didn't see this ending in any good way-- but luckily, Aika had more composure than I'd given her credit for. "I see," she said. "Okay, well... see you tomorrow." And with that she walked to a window and leaped out of it, bouncing along the rooftops to her home. I locked up. "She has a crush on you, you know," Reika said to me as I met her in the lobby. "You could have mentioned that a day or two ago," I muttered. For the first time I detected something like surprise in her voice. "Oh. I'd thought it was obvious..." *************** We walked home, silently-- I was too preoccupied with my thoughts to bother with a conversation, but unfortunately my mind was about as organized as a room full of narcoleptic blind people, so the thoughts just bumped around in my head without coming up with anything constructive. "Nice going, Pus-bag." I could almost feel my eyes dilate as I wondered what had made Reika say that-- and what had happened to her voice-- but in the next instant I realized what was up-- and literally up, at that, as I craned my neck up towards the nearest streetlight. Murray the buzzard was perched there. "Hope you feel real big, crushin' th' poor girl's heart like that." I almost said something, then remembered who I was talking to. "Since when do you care? You've got about as much feeling for Aika as you do for roadkill." "Not quite-- I like roadkill a whole lot more--" Murray cackled, ruffling his feathers. A buzzard laughing is not a pretty sound. "Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass, 'cept I thought I could yank yer chain a bit. An' anyway, she'll be okay-- I think this is one of those hopeless love things, y'know, like some kinda THING bein' a Magical Girl comes with." I rolled my eyes, and Reika and I started walking again. Murray fluttered over to the next streetlight along our route. "So hey-- you find out anything else about gettin' me outa this gig?" "Sorry," I said as we walked, "We've been sort of preoccupied with keeping alive lately." Murray hmphed, and flopped himself over to the next post. "Swell. Thanks bunches for yer help." "Well, frankly, Murray, you haven't been doing much to make yourself useful. So far the only motive I have for helping you is that maybe I can not have to listen to you bitch anymore..." "LISTEN you big bag of ass-wind--" Murray began to screech, "I'm only gonna tell--" Abruptly he quit squawking and flew off. I watched him go, shrugged at Reika, and we walked on. We hadn't gotten far when he swooped out from an alley and landed directly in front of us. "Awright, bile-clot, y'want useful? I gotcher useful right here. Just down one of these streets is a place that just reeks bigtime of that Mushimushi Ultra dipstick you're all pissin' an' moanin' about." "What?? There's nothing that's that close that even looks vaguely suspicious--" "Hey, snot-farm, don't ask me why-- but I tell you for sure it's down this way, and suddenly it's givin' me a major rash. You want me t' show you or what?" Murray flew off again, and this time we followed. "Hurry it up, punks!" he screeched as we hustled to keep up with him. Finally he perched on a stop sign. "There it is." I looked, but there was nothing there, really-- nothing except that stadium, the Tokyo Happydrome, where they were going to hold that dimwitted Idol Benefit... Achievement... Concert... Aw no. But of course. I looked at Reika. "The bird is right. I feel it too, now," she said. "Damn straight, doom-bimbo." My mind raced like a hamster on crystal meth-- which means, really fast, but around in a little wheel so it didn't get anywhere. "I think tomorrow's meeting is going to be really interesting." I finally blurted out. "Not gonna do anything about this now?" said Murray, fixing me with a beady eye. "Like what? I only have a few guns and one grenade on me-- if Ultra's there now, I sure don't have anything to fight with, and if he isn't, an attack wouldn't do anything but bust up some real estate. But you can bet we WILL be doing something about this, and soon..." *************** When I dropped the bomb on the others the next morning, there was a general flood of questions in my direction... "Oh! Perfect! Can we take out the Cheery Crystal Knight while we're there? That song of hers drives me NUTS!" H was bouncing around like a kid in school who desperately wanted the teacher's attention. "There'll be TONS of fuku at that place--!" "Which we won't get paid for," griped Itami, "and can we disrupt this event without putting a crimp in the Idol Benefit Fund?" That's my Itami-- choosing the oddest times to develop a conscience. "What about Kyo and Mai?" Aika asked. "Do we try to tell them about any of this? And can we also take out Major Melody? Her last album was self-indulgent tripe..."" "Okay, hold on, hold on-- first off, if we do anything at the concert, we're going to have to keep in mind that there's gonna be all sorts of witnesses and security personnel that don't have a clue that some really unpleasant things are in charge of the whole shebang. So we should be planning on something sneaky and quiet, and we probably won't be able to take out any bonus targets. And the absolute LAST thing I want to do is injure or kill a bystander or some cop. Life would get real difficult. "As far as Kyo and Mai," I continued, "I have a hunch that they'll figure it out like we have, if they haven't already. And there's too much weirdness going on with them that I don't want to be relying on them for help in the crunch. In fact, considering that we're risking going up against Magical Girls, we should be prepared for the possibility of having to take them on as well." I sighed. "And it doesn't look like they're going to give us any tips on this ressurrection problem either." "Is any of this ever easy?" asked Aika plaintively. "It was easy once. Those were happy times," I murmured, "Long ago and far away..." "Huh?" "Never mind. Problem is," I said, as Itami was about to open his mouth, "we have no idea just exactly what Ultra is planning to do at the concert. We just know he's going to do SOMETHING. And frankly, I don't think we have anything big enough in our arsenal to keep him from doing... whatever it is." "The Finn," offered Itami. "Do you really think a mundane bullet or explosive will even get close to Ultra? Though it might be worth it to pick up some ordinance if we decide we have to level the place as a last-ditch effort. No, if we're going to have a chance at affecting Mashihaisha Ultra, we need something that's as supernatural and nasty as he is." "You could always begin worshipping Shub-Niggurath," offered Reika. The others muttered and growled, but suddenly I'd had an idea. "You know-- it just might work..." "WHAT??" yelled three of the four other people in the room. "Nono, not the worshipping part-- that's dumb-- no offense, Reika--" she shrugged, and I continued-- "but what if we could shake up this little alliance between Shub-Niggurath and Mashihaisha Ultra? I bet that would be something to see..." I turned to Reika. "Tell me about these chants you know...." ***************** Oh, when I get inspired, I'm good. This was going to be hairy and dangerous, but if it worked, it would be so sweet... I almost wished that Mashihaisha Ultra would be there up close and in person so I could see the expression on whatever passed for his face when it all came together... Tuesday arrived and we were in place. We had bought ourselves tickets for the event, but we were inside the Happydrome long before it was set to begin. The tickets were just a bluff, in case we'd gotten caught prowling around. I scratched my nose under the ski mask. We were almost all disguised. Itami, Reika and I all had masks, while Aika used her powers to alter her hair color to a bright green. She also switched her fuku to the biking outfit she'd used a while back, and she'd given herself a large mask over her eyes... "If my parents recognize me I'll just die," she told me. H was undisguised. I asked her why, and she merely said, "Because I don't give a damn about people knowing I'm here." Fair enough. Monday afternoon I'd picked up a large quantity of things that blow up from the Finn... and I groaned as I paid the Finn a hefty chunk of change for them. All this money going out, and not as much coming in... Sometime we were going to have to get back on the track and turn this back into a business. This was self-preservation, though-- if we didn't do something to knock Ultra off his pins, we might as well walk up to his magical girls and invite them to blast us right now... Monday night the lot of us managed to sneak into the stadium, and we spent a lot of it scouting out good hiding places and planting explosives. There were a few guards, but we easily avoided them. The night passed, and we all took our positions, and after a while people filtered into the stadium. Workers first, putting the final touches on the stage and setting up the audio equipment... TV cameras... more staff filed in, directors and gofers scurrying around... And now my nose was itching as I watched Magical Girls begin to appear in the area. Many were there just for support, but a lot were scheduled to perform as a tribute to their fallen Princess Love. As Girls wandered about humming their tunes and practicing dance steps, I tried to stretch my body and avoid cramping. I was above them, behind the huge stage curtain, resting on a few planks on the scaffolding. Reika was next to me-- not for company, but because the two of us had to be close to the stage when it was time to move... "Ever use a rope to jump down a couple of stories?" I asked her. "Once or twice," she said. Talented, too! The gates opened, and spectators started filling the seats. It wasn't long before it was standing room only in the stadium... The workers below us began to scurry around faster... soon it would be showtime. ************** "WELCOME TO THE IDOL BENEFIT ACHIEVEMENT CONCERT!" The announcer's vioce boomed out over the PA system, and the band played a short intro as the crowd erupted into cheers. Magical Girls danced in intricate patterns on the stage, their magic creating dazzling displays of colored light. The band launched into an overture of the night's theme, which was Princess Love's sweet little vomit-inducing tune. The dancing Magical Girls sang in chorus-- "o/Hate is very, very bad! We should love instead!" and I tried to tune it out as best I could... After three or four minutes or eons, the song was over, and the announcer was setting up a series of amateur acts as warmup for the nigts events. Non-magical girls dressing like their heroines-- perfectly mundane animals quietly enduring eye-gouging dye jobs as their owners launched into tone-deaf versions of well-known happy songs... There was one highlight, as Prettyboy Warrior Nekomi Tech Kamen and his Five Sailor Simulations took the stage-- with him singing some dreadful original tune while the girls provided five-part harmony-- it was the dramatic sort of moment that made you want to weep until you ruptured a lung from laughing so hard. Soon enough, though, the amateur hour was over, and the real acts began. One after the other, the Magical Girls appeared to sing their songs or display some magical pyrotechnics or show off some nifty mystic sleight-of-hand. My gaze shifted from the stage to the audience, and I realized just how much charisma these various girls had in their magical incarnations-- the crowd was enthralled. If the Magical Girl on stage was singing a sad love song, the audience wept openly. If the performer was exhorting people to laugh and be happy, sheer joy spread across the arena. I wasn't sure if I liked the idea of a large mass of people being controlled like that... then again, if I wanted to stop that kind of thing, I'd have to bring down places like, say, Sony. Things went along nicely. Nobody spotted any of us, though there was a moment when I nearly had a coronary-- Major Melody sang a bright little ditty about the power of music to bring people together, and afterwards, she wandered backstage. Instead of marching straight to the dressing room, the little ninny hung around behind the curtain. I glanced nevously as she wandered around, dreading what I knew was coming... As Major Melody drifted towards a bunched area of some curtains in the wings, I tensed. Suddenly, the curtains parted, and a pair of arms shot out, clutching a loop of leather whip... I cringed as the loop closed about the unfortunate Magical Girl's neck and dragged her, struggling into the curtains. Soon all I could see was an occasional flash of kicking boot from under the curtain. I scanned the area wildly, but thankfully, no one seemed to notice her disappearance. The boot appeared again, jittered a bit, and was still-- then slid back under the curtain, Wizard of Oz-like. the curtain parted a little again, and I could see Sailor H dragging Major Melody deeper into the folds, while Aika gave me a little "V" sign. H dropped the body, then looked up at me and mouthed the word "freebie." Great. At least nobody noticed. Well, H had been antsy about the prospect of not taking out any Magical Girls during the operation-- hopefully this would keep her happy now. Time passed, and more acts followed-- but finally it was time for the finale. Cheery Crystal Knight stepped up to the mike to deliver her rendition of Princess Love's song... the score swelled, orchestra-like... "Oooohh... Hate is very, very YEEEK! On cue, a burst of energy from Pretty Deadly ripped a large chunk of the curtain apart. H and Akia dashed from their hiding spot onto the stage, and Reika and I dropped from our perch and joined them a moment later. There was a small bang as a section of the flooring blew apart, and Itami hoisted himself up from under the stage. Before anyone could react, Aika and I fired machine gun bursts into the air, and Itami drew his light-sucking sword out, bringing it up under the chin of Cheery Crystal Knight. I took the mike, as two dozen Magical Girls began to float and climb up, surrounding us, moving closer. "That's far enough!" I barked in my most business-like manner, punctuating it with another burst of gunfire. The girls halted. "If everyone gives us their full cooperation, we'll be in and out and nobody will be hurt in the slightest. If anyone attacks--" I pulled out a small handheld device, and pressed a button. Instantly a small bomb I had left on the scaffolding exploded, bringing half of it down and showering the area with sparks and small bits of things-- impressive, but no real damage to anything important. "There are bombs much larger than this located throughout the stadium. We will be done here before anyone can find them. However, if we find ourselves interrupted, we will not hesitate to bring this entire stadium down." Screams and sounds of worry rippled through the audience. "Remain calm, and do not interfere, and this will all be over--" I turned my head, sensing that the noise was not entirely due to me. Itami stood there, holding that black sword, and just by seeing his eyes through the mask I could tell he was grinning like a madman, trembling with what looked like anticipation. Cheery Crystal Knight was not looking very cheery, and I was guessing it was because she sensed what I did-- any second now, Itami was going to lose it and run her through. Dammit-- stupid posessed sword. I glanced at her hand-- she was gripping her wand, but she was hardly in a position to bring it into play. I reached down and yanked it out of her hand-- "excuse me--" then I swung it sharply, cracking the tip on the sword, releasing a spark of residual magical energy. Itami's expression dropped back to grumbly neutral, and something rippled through the air, an empathic wave that felt like a cross between "ouch!" and "hey!". "Listen up, you--" I hissed, leaning in and feeling just a little silly talking to a sword, "You wanna kill people, fine-- hang around with us and you'll get plenty of opportunity-- but you do it when we SAY, and you stay OUT of Itami's head, or so help me, I'll see to it you rust apart in a third world army latrine!" A ripple spread through the air-- petulant, sullen, but acquiescent. I looked at Itami, and his eyes were clear and focused like they should have been. "Okay then. Back to business." I turned back to the captive Magical Girl. "We have a request." "Y-you won't succeed with this evil!" I snorted. "Just sing this chant, and we'll be gone and out of here, okay?" Reika brought out a piece of paper, and began counseling the Crystal Knight on pronunciation. So far so good. I took a moment to look around. We were surrounded by angry Magical Girls, but they were keeping their distance. The crowd shifted with nervous anticipation. "Not much longer, folks," I spoke into the mike, making eye contact with the audience and the Magical Girls. "I remind you to be calm and not attempt anything foolish... and while I'm thinking about it, I'd like to whulp" I took a step, and fell into a hole. So much for looking at the audience and not where I was walking. The next moment the wind was being shoved out of me while a loud thunk and squeal of feedback indicated the mike was landing on the stage. I'd blundered into Itami's entrance hole. "Stay the hell back, bitches!" Aika was yelling, and then I saw her face framed in the hole above. "You okay?" "I'll be all right in a sec," I wheezed. "Everything still okay up there?" "Under control--" her expression went from concern to relief. "I'll come down and--" "No-- keep it up with crowd control up there, I'll get back up in a second." I stood and dusted myself off. Aika's face retreated, and I began looking for a handhold or something. Just then a voice spoke-- softly, but with an overwhelming presence. "OH, MY DEAR YOI. AND WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ARE DOING?" I turned. Under the stage with me was Mashihaisha Ultra. Winged, graceful in an androgynous way-- a shining face and an expression filled with love-- the kind of love you show to a bumbling puppy. You know-- "Look at him scrabble clumsily on the linoleum, isn't he precious?" "I might ask you the same thing, wing-boy-- assuming this is what you really look like." "IT MIGHT AS WELL BE, AS FAR AS YOUR SENSES ARE CONCERNED. AND WHAT I AM DOING IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU CAN UNDERSTAND." "I dunno-- the stakes might be a little higher, but it appears to be just more of the same of what the youma boss you posed as would be after-- power, domination, control..." "AH YOI. YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO TAWDRY. YOU WOUND ME." "I couldn't get so lucky." "AH BUT YOU MIGHT. WHICH IS WHY I MUST EITHER TURN YOU TO MY SIDE, OR DESTROY YOU." "Come again?" "YOI. YOU ARE THE LYNCHPIN HERE. IF I CAN CONVINCE YOU THAT MY CAUSE IS JUST, YOU WILL GO UP THERE AND CONVINCE YOUR FRIENDS, AND THEY WILL FOLLOW YOUR ADVICE, AS THEY HAVE DONE ALL ALONG." "I think you're seriously overestimating me here." "I DARE NOT. TELL ME YOI-- HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT I AM AFTER?" "The complete control of both Good and Evil?" "VERY GOOD. BUT DO YOU KNOW WHY? CONSIDER THIS: SO MUCH TERRIBLE DEATH AND DESTRUCTION HAS OCCURRED ON THIS WRETCHED WORLD DUE TO THE ENDLESS CONFLICT BETWEEN THESE TWO FORCES. AND WHAT HAS IT GOTTEN ANYONE? A BRIEF ADVANTAGE FOR ONE SIDE FOR A TIME, AND THEN THE UNIVERSE CORRECTS ITSELF--" "The balance," I muttered, and Ultra nodded, "AND WHAT WAS GAINED? THE ABILITY OF MORTALS TO DESTROY THEMSELVES HAS INCREASED EXPONENTIALLY AS TIME WINDS ON, BUT NOTHING HAS TRULY CHANGED. I WISH TO MAKE IT BETTER." He smiled, and light flowed from him and through my very soul. "DO YOU NOT SEE? IF I CAN CONTROL BOTH EVIL AND GOOD, THEN THERE IS NO NEED FOR ANY WASTE. BOTH FORCES WILL WORK FOR ME, AND I WILL ASSURE THAT THERE IS NO NEEDLESS STRUGGLE, AND ANY SUFFERING OR VIOLENCE THAT OCCURS WILL BE RATIONED OUT IN AN EFFECTIVE, JUST, AND ORDERLY FASHION." "By YOUR standards, no doubt..." "MY STANDARDS ARE THE BEST, IT IS TRUE. AH, POOR YOI-- I NEED NOT TRY ANY LONGER TO CONVINCE YOU-- I CAN FEEL THAT YOU ARE BEYOND CONVINCING. AH, WELL, WHEN THEY SEE YOUR CORPSE, YOUR COMPANIONS WILL SURRENDER--" I backed away, as Ultra's expression was shifting more towards pity-- you know, the "what a cute puppy, but it's such a shame we have to drown it now" kind of look. As I watched for his coming attack, however, the air was rent by an unearthly chanting-- barely human words, belted out with feeling by a Magical Girl through one kickass PA system. It was similar to Reika's chant that held back the Sailor Shuggoths-- but this was making my whole spine itch. "WHAT IS THAT RACKET--?" asked Ultra, and then realization dawned across his face. "NO! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING??" "I sure HOPE so," I said as I gripped a beam and hoisted myself up, "otherwise it's not only you that's going to be screwed..." I pulled myself out of the hole. Ultra didn't appear to be following me, and I took that as a good sign for now. A motion caught my eye-- Prettyboy Kamen and the Sailor Shuggoths were streaking up to the dome like a rocket-- actually the Sailors were more or less dragging Kamen-- and then they burst through the dome and were gone. This also was a good sign. I figured that the chant, juiced up through a Magical Girl's pipes, would be powerful enough that it would attract the attention of Shub-Niggurath herself. It was in no way something that could hurt the alien entity, but I was guessing it would be excruciatingly annoying. And if it annoyed her enough... The ground rumbled under the stage, and a hideous voice, both phelgmy wet and dry as sand at the same time, boomed from under the boards. "YOUR AGENT PAINS ME, ULTRA! DO YOU BETRAY ME? THEN OUR ALLIANCE IS DISSOLVED!" Something black and oily burst through the boards in several places, and four Magical Girls were caught by tendrils of some substance that was much like the shuggoths, only more squishy and decayed looking, if that was possible. It wrapped around them and began to squeeze. The girls shrieked, then stopped shrieking as their chest cavities were compressed to a point where they were unable to breathe in. The tentacles drew the struggling girls down under the stage-- one drifted close to me, and I saw the poor thing cough blood as a series of cracking noises came from her body, just before she disappeared under the stage. The crowd, of course, panicked and stampeded. "IT IS A TRICK, YOU GIBBERING MONSTROSITY! CEASE YOUR ATTACK, OR--" Shocks shook the stage. Apparantly reason had failed. Itami still held the sword, and Cheery Crystal Knight was still nervously chanting, which is how I wanted it. The more we annoyed Shub-Niggurath, the more likely it was that she would take it out on Ultra. The rest of the Magical Girls hovered in confusion, not knowing whether to attack us, fight the thing under the stage, or just get the hell out. Suddenly something small and colorful streaked in and slammed into me. A powerful grip grabbed my arms and yanked me around-- while a syrupy sweet childs voice yelled, "Put the gun down, villain!" Just as I was about to object that I wasn't holding a gun at the second, one of my machine guns found its way into my hand, and something that wasn't me was squeezing my fingers into the trigger. The gun obligingly fired, spraying lead and catching another five Magical Girls off to one side. Blood sprayed and bodies dropped, and suddenly I was being spun around-- I was able to look down to see the adorable but wickedly grinning face of Captain Kawaii in front of me for an instant before she flung me away-- directly at Itami. I was pretty much airborne, and unable to stop myself as I slammed into Itami's back, pushing him sharply forward-- I fell-- I picked myself up, knowing what I was going to see. The chant was stopped. The Cheery Crystal Knight was kneeling on the stage, breathing in a very raspy and shallow manner-- Itami's sword having gone through her chest right up to its hilt. She looked at us as we got up, and coughed. "I'm really sorry," I said, "but if it makes you feel any better, we would have probably had to take you out next year sometime..." Her eyes glazed over, and she fell sideways. Itami retrieved his sword, and I looked around. What little remained of the crowd was pointing in horror, and I heard the Magical Girls swearing revenge. Great. That little hellion had made it look like we were responsible for these deaths. And we weren't getting any commission on them. Captian Kawaii stood a couple yards away from me. "Surrender now," she giggled, "And we'll make it quick and merciful." "Like I believe that," I muttered. "You shouldn't have left any guns in my hands." "It doesn't matter," she said, smiling sweetly. "Even if you do kill me again, I'll just come back. Not only that, but I'll have friends soon." There was a noiseless burst of light from somewhere within the ruined stage, and then a figure appeared. "Mashihaisha is very displeased, Yoi," intoned Kawaii. "He's letting me take care of you myself, but my friend is going to really mess up your little companions. We're all going to have such a party..." Vapor and light swirled away, revealing a very stern-faced person dressed in a blazing white-and-pink fuku... Princess Love, alive once more... and truth be told, she didn't look like she was in the mood for love. *************** THIS STORY WAS NOT EDITED BY ANYONE. GO FIGURE.