Had it not been for the fact that my bed had been blown out
from under me, I would've woken up sitting in my bed screaming.

	While that sort of thing was to be expected, due to the line
of work I am in, it was but the first of a string of really bad things,
in a really, really bad day. Perhaps one of the worst, aside from that 
hazing incident in high school, days of my life.

	It wasn't too long after that, when I discovered that it was 
that time of the month.

	Sometimes life can really suck.


********
Magical Girl Hunters
Chapter 22: Terror Comes To Kawaiitown
By Ash (ashikaider@hotmail.com)
An Improfanfic
Created by Aaron Shattuck
(http:pixelscapes.com/improfanfic)

Warning: The following work of fiction contains assorted Great Old 
Ones, dwarves (or midgets), and abuse of cute and fuzzy animals/objects.
The writer of this story is making this warning in order to insure that
no one tries to sue him for any insanity or insult incurred from 
reading this. You have been warned. So don't come running to me,
ya wee pansies.

(note; I wrote the previous warning in a fit of brief insanity.
I wash my hands of any possible imflammatory statements said in such 
a state. That is all.)
********


	The being of phenomenal cosmic power leaned over and cradled 
his face in his hands. He'd been unable to solve that infernal, yet 
somehow puzzling and mysterious device known as the Rubik's Cube, and
now the head office wanted him to solve the problems of the Hunter of 
Magickal Girls, and make it plausible.

	His first attempt was initially successful, but did nothing 
for the overall situation. The end of his wits had not only been
reached, but the little buggers decided to jump ship, and leave him to
pay the piper for the expensive meal they had just bought, and he
was dead broke.

	Looking up at the ceiling, he sighed dejectedly, and moaned,
"How am I going to solve this mind-boggling conundrum, and pay this 
bill?" 

	Then with the total absence of fanfare, or sound for that 
matter, a small, white, inconspicious business card blinked into 
existence and slowly drifted down into the cosmic being's lap.

	Reaching down, he picked it up, and turned it over to read.
Printed in nice, big, friendly letters was the following; 'If the
cube doesn't work, try the magic snake.'

	And then a great sudden beam of inspiration was cast down upon
the cosmic being. He stood up, and pounded a fist into the palm of his
left hand, as if he truly came upon a great realisation. "Of course!"
he asked, snapping his fingers. "Why didn't I think of that before?"

	Cracking his knuckles, he called forth a magic snake puzzle,
and set to work on it.

	Elsewhere, the piper cleaned his pipe, in anticipation of
what he would do if that being of phenomenal cosmic power did't pay 
that restaurant tab.


****


	Painfully, I opened my eyes, and promptly cursed myself for 
doing so. My apartment was devastated, and was filled with gun-toting 
midgets in pristine, yet very cute white armor. 

	I hated them on sight.

	The guns that they carried were all trained on another midget,
but this one was in dark, almost fear-inspiring armor.

	Looking down at the floor, I noticed a gun laying on the floor 
next to me. It seemed rather convenient to be there. Too convenient.

	But what the hell, my mother always said told me not to look a
gift horse in the mouth.  At least I think so. I never did listen to 
what she said.

	Picking up the gun, which was an automatic pistol of some sort,
and proceeded to shoot at the midgets in the white armor.

	Something about this seemed all too familiar. It was eerily 
like the vision I had when I was at the mercy of Ramsbottom and the
Magical Women. When the midget in the black armor pulled out a shotgun,
and began shooting at the white midgets I hadn't hit, that it all came
screaming back to me like a bullet to the head.

	The little bastard was somehow telepathic. That, or I had one 
mother of an out of body experience. Unfortunately, as soon as I made
the realisation, I promptly forgot. Perhaps someone is messing with me,
and making me through hoops for their own sick and twisted amusement.

	Naah... That's too silly.



******


	Outside of what we call reality, beyond the realms of dreams 
and madness, past the non-euclidean visions of those that dictate the
screams of time and space, is a small, sedate, and rather cozy diner.

	Inside the diner, a charming little bell rings as the door 
opens, allowing a Great Old One to enter. Because the diner is run by 
those with mindsets close to those of man, those that represent the 
universal truths of time, space, reality, life, the universe, and 
everything shroud their true forms in the mundanity of lies that man
has erected to keep what little of the relative thing they call their
sanity.

	This Great Old One was garbed in the form of a young Japanese
woman, who was dressed along the lines of a housewife. Smiling, she 
waved at the waitress behind the counter as she walked along. Walking
up to a booth, she bowed, and said, "Oh My. I dare hope that I'm not
too late."

	"Why no, Shubby-chan. Sit right down. In fact, we were just
about to start. We haven't been here five minutes, and already Ol' 
Gnarly is complaining about having to sit next to Azzy." said a genial
old sailor, who motioned for her to sit in the booth, all the while
adjusting the corncob pipe in his mouth. 

	Smiling kindly, The Great Old One, know known as Shubby-chan
slid into the booth, and sat down next to a young man who wore a 
striped bandanna across his forehead, which kept thick locks of black 
hair from falling over his eyes.

	"Why, thank you, Tully-kun." she said, smiling even more 
brightly than before. "I see that Yoggie-kun made it here before I 
did."

	"He was here before any of us arrived." sneered a scowling 
individual who sat across from her, as he rather disgustedly wiped off
the mouth of an obese, drooling man, who eyes danced madly to the faint
strains of piping that poured out from the stereo headphones that were
perched upon his head. "I don't see why I have to wipe at this fool's 
mouth everytime he drools. Why can't you do it, Tully?"

	Seeting a lit match into his pipe, Tully puffed a few times to
start his pipe, and after breathing deep, he pulled it out, and blew 
smoky representations of deep ones into the air over the table. 
"Because he's your brother, Gnarly. Besides, you lost the draw last 
time."

	"Excuse me, but can anyone tell me where the Tendo Dojo is?"
asked Yoggy, the grin on his face belying the confusion in his eyes.

	The others laughed, and Shubby-chan clapped merrily. Azzy 
drooled contentedly, while the spoon in the glass before him 
danced merrily.

	"Like Ol' Gnarly said, He was here when we came in. Although
he's a mite scatterbrained." said Tully, puffing on his pipe.	

	Old Gnarly scowled, which was amazing, since his face was 
frozen in an scowl of such perpetuity, that it had appeared to be 
stuck that way. He was the poster boy of anyone who tells a child not
to make a face like that. Tugging non-chalantly at the collar of
the Orochi Fan Club shirt he wore, he sneered, "Can we get this over 
with? I've got the sanity of mankind to play with."

	"I didn't know you were into pro-wrestling." said Yoggy, 
clearly a bit stupified over Old Gnarly's statement.

	"Oh my. Don't you ever tire of that pointless feud with 
Noddy-kun?" asked Shubby-chan, bringing a hand to her mouth in 
a mock show of shock.

	"He started it."

	"Now, Now, Gnarly. Let's get started. Since there's no new 
business, I'd like to bring up fact of the writers. It's a problem
we've dealt with until now, but it clearly been getting worse with the
advent of internet fan-writing. For example, one of them has introduced
the idea to some of my followers that I need an avatar, and must be
married to Jodi Foster. And _that_ is one of the better written ones."
said Tully with a remorseful sigh.

	"I have a faint recollection of someone shanghaiing an aspect
of mine to be a member of something called the 'balance beam'?" Yoggy
said, shrugging.

	"I know that one as well. Someone sent hunters of magickal
girls after my children and followers. You are right, Tully-kun. Things
are getting way out of hand." said Shubby-chan, perusing the menu.
"Especially for you, Tully-kun."

	"I ne'er asked for them to name the whole thing after me. Who's
up for taunting Auggie D after the meeting?" asked Tully.

	"Sure, why not?" said Yoggy, pushing some hairs aside.

	"I live for taunting Auggie." said Gnarly, a wicked grin 
shattering the scowl he had spent aeons to perfect. 

	"Oh my. Will you boys never learn?" said Shubby, motioning to
the waitress what she wanted on the menu.

	The spoon that lay inside of Azzy's glass of water began to 
beat out a tattoo of morse code.

	"'Ey, Azzy's saying something." said Tully, pausing in his 
revelry	to listen to the spoon. "He says we should do something to show
the writers that we are not to be trifled with."

	"Oh my. That does make perfect sense. I do suppose we will have 
to go and find some writers." said Shubby, laying a napkin in her lap.

	"Right. I suppose I'm going to have to collect them, aren't I?"
asked Yoggy, looking dejected.

	"Well, I suppose we could have Ol' Gnarly be doin' some of that
for us, now." said Tully, winking at Shubby.

	"That works for me."

	"Hey! I resent that!" snapped Gnarly, slamming a fist on the 
table.
	"Since we're all in agreement, I say we end the meeting, and 
eat." said Shubby as she lifted a fork to eat the salad the waitress
had set in her palce.

	"Agreed." said Tully, digging into a plate of pasta.


********


	The little guy quickly made short work of the white midgets,
astounding me with versatility of the shotgun he carried. Afterward,
he slumped against a wall, and began reloading his gun. While he was
occupied, I called up a fixer agency, and requested a cleanup crew
to get rid of the now red armored midgets.

	It took me while, but after a few aborted attempts at feminine
wiles, (it's harder than it looks, and a good reason why I was born a
man), I finally got a story out of him.

	It turns out he didn't remember much, other than that he had 
been brought out of a deep slumber in a subterranean island vault by
a group of overeager fortune hunters/otaku. After opening a big can of
whup-ass on their sorry kiesters, he came across a motorcycle, and had
slowly made his way south, where something was drawing him.

	He didn't know why he was heading in that direction, but he
suspected he would find the answers to all of his questions when he 
got to his destination. That, and maybe a girl. 

	Not too long after he started his long journey, he was beset 
upon magical girls at first, and then the armoured dweebs followed 
soon after. Things had really gotten bad when he got to Tokyo, when 
legions of the little white guys captured him, and had brought him to 
the mansion of the magical women.

	It was there, after escaping from the prison, that he had come
into contact with H, and he had quickly come to the conclusion that 
she was not the girl he was looking for. 

	Things weren't too hard to figure out from there. He had 
carried H until he had come across Aika and Itami, had deposited her 
there. 
	
	Realising that what he was looking for wasn't there anymore,
he left the arena, and after a few altercations with some bosozoku,
came across another platoon of the white troopers.

	Which left me in yet another situation. Indicating that he 
should wait for a few minutes, I got up and called Itami, in hopes
that he was in.

	He was. However, I had called at rather bad time.

	"Yoi? Isn't it a bit early to be calling?" he had asked 
sleepily.

	"Iiiiitaaaaamiiiiiiii..... Come back to bed." cooed a voice
somewhere in the room with Itami.

	Great. I slapped my forehead in embarrassment. H was there. 
This was perfect. Just one more complication I didn't need.

	"Itami. Something's come up. Meet me at the office as soon
as you can damn well get there."

	"Is it a paying job?"

	I sighed, feeling somehow irritable. "I don't know, but if 
you're at the office sometime in the next hour, I will personally hunt
you down and defenestrate you on the spot I find you."

	"... What if I'm on the first floor?" he asked.

	"THen I will make certain that you are at the right altitude to
properly do it. Do I make myself clear?"

	There was a sound as if he had set the reciever down, and then
I heard faint indications of an argument. Then, after a few minutes of
silence, he picked it up.

	"... Can H come?" he asked in a very sheepish voice.

	"I don't care if you bring the entire bloody Black Watch with 
you. Just. Be. There."

	"..." he hung up.

	I looked at the reciever in my hand, as if it were going to 
leap out and strike at me like a snake. Hurredly, I replaced it, and 
went to the bathroom. On the way there, I tripped, and hit the floor.
Hard.

	Sitting up, I nursed a sore jaw, and noticed someting on the 
floor in front of me. It was a piece of one of the midget's armor.
picking it up, I noticed something written on the underside of it.
It was an address, which read, 'Made in Kawaiitown, Japan'.

	"Hey, Blackie, come over here!" 

	The little guy had come over, his armour having disappeared to
whereever it was he had gotten it from. Showing him the fragment, a
look of great revelation filled his face, lighting the room around him.
He looked up at me, and pointed at himself, and then the fragment.

	So that was where he was headed to. Giving him the fragment, I 
motioned for him to wait, and then proceeded to the bathroom for a 
brief, albiet desparately wanted shower.


*****


	Kawaiitown is a bright, and extremely happy place. It was 
created five years ago in an experiment into the mad world of planned
communities.  Unfortunately for those foolish enough to move there,
it soon proved to be a nightmare. The extremely strict covenant 
dictated that all who lived in Kawaiitown be cute and genki, or pay the
consequneces.

	Within six months of it's opening, Kawaiitown had become little
more than a concentration camp. Trangressors were not killed or 
expelled, but actually sent to the town hall, and then were surgically 
altered or psychologically reprogrammed.

	Although there was one incident of a subject learning the 
terrible and unmentionable kawaii-ken, the law was enforced with a 
smiling face on the oh so ever cute white fist.

	The founder of Kawaiitown, paced about in his penthouse office
at the top of the Town administration center. Dressed in an immaculate
white suit, with a pair of small white wings jutting out from the back
of the jacket, he was the picture of bishonen, down to locks of pink
dyed hair that hung over his right eye.

	A door slid open with the recorded soud of Megumi Hayashibara
chanting 'kawaii', and a diminuative figure in blue and silver armour
walked in. The door slid closed with a chant of 'genki', and the figure
stepped out from the oh so convenient shadows of obscurity. 

	He was the epitome of hyper-cuteness. It was if someone had 
gone and distilled what made Barney, the Teletubbies, Thomas the Tank
Engine, Hello Kitty, voices of assorted female seiyuu, Pokemon, 
Chibi-Usa, Chibi-Chibi, Ryo-ohki, Kirby, newborn kittens, cheerleaders,
beanie babies, Mokona, various mascot animals, and the complete works 
of Momoko Sakura so digustingly, diabetes-inducingly, sanity 
blastingly, cute.

	His every step had that bounce that comes from ODing on sugar,
and in one hand, carried a basket of flowers and sweet goodies.
"Did you call, Ultra-dono?" he asked in a cavity-inducing voice.

	Ultra turned dramtically, and moved in that near-suicidal way
that many bishonen types move in, as replied, "Yes, my ever so genki,
and faithful servant, my Kawaiider."

	Dropping his basket in an rushed, yet cute manner, the 
Kawaiider clapped his hands together, and cired out, "Wai! Wai! 
Ultra-sama needs me! Hwei!"

	"Yes." said Ultra as he slowy, yet dramtically bought his hand
to his face. "Kawaiider, I have been told that our forces in Tokyo have
met... with an untimely end."

	Kawaiider quickly brought a hand up to his mouth. "You mean-?"

	Sadly hanging his head, Ultra replied, "Yes. Someone has been 
attacking our meager mercenaries as they bring our message of 
kawaiiness to the kawaikone massess. And now, they may be heading 
here."

	"No! It can not be! Ultra-sama, tell me it is not so." said
Kawaiider in utter horror.

	Slowly, Ultra made it over to his elabourate desk, which had
been carved from a single piece of crystal. Ever so deftly, he pushed
a flowerpot with dead flowers off of his desk into a nearby 
wastebasket. Turning, he  gestured at the flowers in a similar pot 
elsewhere on his desk, and said, "Do you see these flowers, which
yesterday were dead, and wilting, yet today the bloom again with new
vigour?"

	"Yes, Ultra-dono. Great is your power, as it always has been."

	"True. Kawaiider, if my fears are true, you must defend our
happy kawaiitown, and myself." whispered Ultra, who was applying tears
to his face with a concealed bottle of eye drops. With a sharp swerve,
he turned dramatically, and stared at Kawaiider deat set in the eyes.
"Are you prepared to defend us all, Kawaiider? To lay down your very
life if neccesary?"

	Kneeling, Kawaiider replied, "Yes, I would defend unto the 
death. I swear that as long as I am aware, all within these boundaries
will be protected from the teeming hordes of the kawaikone!"

	A smile slowly creeped across Ultra's face. "Very good. Now 
leave me. I must meditate."

	Kawaiider rose, saluting. "As you wish Ultra-sama!" Making an 
about face, he left the room.

	After the door left, Ultra stood, facing the window. "Yes,
I shall soon avenge the name of Ultra. Bwahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!"

	His laughter rang throughout the halls of the administration
center.

********

	Itami made it to the office before I did. As soon as I entered,
he was by my side, taking my coat, and asking if I wanted some 
coffee. Perhaps there were some perks to being a woman, after all.

	Taking my customary chair, placed my feet on my desk, and said,
"Hello, H. How are you this morning?" in the most cheery voice I could 
muster.

	"Lousy." she snarled back at me. 

	My, my. Isn't she in a bad mood today. "That's just too bad."
I said, smiling sweetly. "Perhaps you aren't interested in joining us."

	I waited for Itami to return to with the coffee before 
saying anything else. Fifteen minutes later, after downing a chocolate
smothered dount with sprinkles, and few gupls of coffee, I made my 
pitch. "It's like this. Our little friend here," I paused, and pointed
at him. "Has told me that he, in his travels has not only fought the
midgets in white armour, but magical girls as well."

	That got H's attention. "This is the same guy that got me out
of the dungeons of the Magical Women?" asked, sneering at the last.

	The man in question nodded in reply.

	"Here's the deal. I've discovered that the midgets are coming 
from Kawaiitown." I arched an eyebrow, noticing the sheer hatred in her
eyes when I mentioned Kawaiitown. "Here's the deal, he wants us to 
accompany him there, and assist in dealing with whatever may be there."

	"Is there any money involved with this?" asked Itami, polishing
off an eclair.

	"Good question." That was strange. Itami rarely spoke more than
monosyllables.

	Setting his saddlebags on the table, the little man in black
opened a flap, and pulled put a bar of what appeared to be gold
bullion. Itami let out a small whistle, while I actually saw little
yen signs flash in H's eyes.

	"I'm convinced." said H, nearly drooling at the sight of gold.
I noted that, and nodded to Itami.

	Picking up, Itami looked it over, and after an experimental 
bite, set it down, and said, "It looks good to me Yoi."

	"Well, well, well."

	I looked around, and saw that H and Itami were frozen in place.
Damn. I wasn't expecting him to return so soon. "Ramsbottom," I 
snarled, "What the hell are you doing in _my_ office?"

	Neatly tugging at his tie, Ramsbottom smiled in that cold, 
almost British manner of his. "Why Yoi, I've come here to talk. And,"
he paused to dust off his bowler. "Perhaps share some information
with you."

	"Alright," I growled, "Make it snappy."

	"Would you care for some tea? It's Darjeeling." asked 
Ramsbottom, pouring tea from a sterling silver pot into a bone china
cup. "But I suppose you are...uncivilised when it comes to tea."

	"No, thank you. I just had a cup of coffee."
	
	"Oh well, I suppose you have had your morning dosage of liquid
sustenance." he paused momentarily, and looked over his shoulder to see
that the little man in black, now in his armor, was straining against a
forcefield, shaking off waves of electrical energy as he did so. "Oh
yes. I see that you have found him. Do keep an eye on that one. He will
be of great use to you in the future."

	I arched an eyebrow. "So, you know who he is?"

	"But of course. But you will learn from another, much better
source for that information."

	That was surprising. The old coot was finally forthcoming with
his information. Keeping in mind who I was dealing with, I stood fast,
and kept my poker face up. "I see. Do you know why all of this is 
happening?" I asked, unsure if he would give any answer at all.

	"That, my young friend is an interesting question. There are 
many theories as to that. Some might say Fate plays games with us all,
or that we are merely puppets of some unknown. I have also heard it 
whispered in hushed, drunken tones that a man of two flowers may be 
responsible, or a crazed, maniacal college student who tortures a
transvestite dwarf in hopes of sharing the student's mad dream of 
unspeakable horrors might come true. It has also been said, that most
terrifying of all, that this is all there is, and any attempts to learn
the truth will lead to madness, or the end and recreation of reality.
Still others have said that this has already happened. What you do you
think, Yoi?"

	Damn, not only did he call my bluff, but he countered with
enough wierdness to send the average citizen to the place where the 
walls are made of rubber, and the service wears white coats. I might as
well find out what he wants to say. "Alright, what do you, a leader
of youma want? You've certainly gotten me into a mess of trouble, not
to mention making my life all too complicated."

	Apparently, I must have said something funny, because he began
to laugh. Suffice to say, it is not an experience I want to go through
again, much less describe.

	"I, heh, must say, heh, that that was the most, heh, 
entertaining, heh, thing that I, heh, have heard in, heh, quite
some time. heh. Truth be told, the Balancers lied to you. I am above
trifling with mere shadows. I cannot say who my employers are, but it
can be said that I seek change in the way things are run. For 
without change, the universe will stagnate and die. That is the way
things are. Those who represent Order do not want change to happen,
having become drunk with the false security and power that Order
brings." said Ramsbottom, as his laughter died down. He stopped to sip
his tea.

	"Where do I come in?" I asked, trying to take it all in.

	Setting the cup down on the saucer, which sat on Itami's desk, 
he continued. "You, young man, are a unique individual. You are not 
chaotic, nor are you completely ordered. You are what humanity has the
potential to be, and that is against what Order wants."

	This was interesting, because Keikaku had said a few things in
that direction. Perhaps this was all bigger than we thought. But
something else struck me as peculiar. "Didn't we have this conversation
not too long ago?"

	He looked at me as if I had said that he was Irish. "I did?
Can you tell me anything about this supposed conversation?"

	"Well, what you said was along the same lines as before, but 
you used a different terminology. Something about my being a 'random'.
That, and your greasemonkey sidekick was with you."

	Ramsbottom nearly spat out his tea when I said that. That would be
something I would have to remember.

	"So that's where that little wanker ran off too."

	"You also offered me a job, which I refused." I noted.

	A wide smile broke across Ramsbottom's face. "That is 
perfectly understandable. But, on another note,I suppose that if you 
were to check yourself, not only would you find the gun I so kindly 
provided you this very morning, but the knife that was given to you by 
your Balancer sympathizer friend."

	I checked, and to my surprise, the knife that Keikaku was in 
the sheath on my right leg, and that I had placed that mysterious gun
in my shoulder holster. Further investigation revealed that both had
similar symbols, they would have been exact, had the color schemes
not been total opposites of each other. "..."

	"You see, when you used those weapons, they became bonded to 
you, and will continue to be with you until you die. The knife is of
Order, and the gun of Chaos. Do not think that by not using them, you
will be free of them, for circumstance will always make it necessary 
for you to use one."

	"..."

	"And there is a reason for your... current condition."

	That got my attention. "What do you mean?"

	"As man, you had the potential for great Chaos, and now, as a
woman, you have potential for great Order. Why do you think you were
allowed to keep so many transformation wands and pens?" he replied, 
nibbling on a tea bicuit.

	Now things were beginning to fall into place. We did accumulate
a large number of those transformation items, and no attempt had been
made to break into here, aside from the false Itami that had wandered 
into here. Someone wanted us to have those toys. It all began to fall
into place. "What you say does make some sense. Why are you doing 
this? You must have some sort of an angle, Ramsbottom."

	"But of course, my good fellow. While I do have my own reasons as 
why I have assisted you at times, there is another reason that takes 
precedence." he puased, and sighed. "Far longer in the past than you 
could comprehend, it has said, usually in the form of prophecy, that
there would come a time of transition, and in that time, one would
come and bring Order to Chaos, and Chaos to Order, bringing a true
balance to the universe. But the so-called Balancers fear this, as they
have become to accustomed to Order, and are unable to maintain a true
balance of Order and Chaos."

	"And I'm this one that they fear? Is this why they've been 
manipulating me?"

	"Perhaps. As you are now, you make an excellent puppet to fulfill
their whims. But be warned, for Free Will can, at times be an illusion."

	I comtemplated his words, while trying to read him, to see if he
was lying, but he was a blank slate. "Alright. I have had the 
suspiscion that Balancers have been manipulating lately. But why did
you have us go after Shub-Niggurath? Elder Gods are out of our league 
here."

	Ramsbottom said nothing, as he finished his tea. "That would be
telling. I may have said too much already. I will tell you this; 
watch how much you change from the experience you gain, and that of
your little friend over there. Now, I must be off." he set the saucer 
with the cup on it on the tea service that sat on Itami's desk. It 
promptly disappeared in a puff of smoke. He rose, and after placing
and adjusting the bowler on his head, he was gone. No sounds, no smoke,
no lightshows. Nothing.

	"But-" I said, as time resumed itself. Itami and H looked at me 
strangely, but turned their attention to the little guy, who wasn't 
quite so little anymore, as he fell to the floor, electrical arcs still
thrashing through the air.

	As H went to see if he was alright, I pulled Itami over to the
side and asked him, "Itami, does H seem alright to you?"

	He looked at me inquisitively, and after staring blandly for
a moment, he nodded and replied, "Yes, she didn't seem right when she
saw that gold. And she seemed different in bed."

	That I didn't need to know. "Do you think we can trust her for
this? I have suspicion that the remains of Ultra's organisation may be
involved."

	"..."

	I sighed. "Look, this may take a few days to complete, and I
want to know if you think she'll be a problem."

	"I don't know. Let's keep her close by, just in case something
is wrong." said Itami, shrugging.

	Blinking, I goggled at the sheer amount of words that he had
said, not too mention the stratetic thinking he had displayed. 
"Alright. You have a point. Since she's your girlfriend, You keep an 
eye on her."

	"..." Itami nodded wordlessly.

	"Good. Now let's see how our client is doing." 
	
	He nodded, and we walked over to the spot that the little guy 
had fallen to. When I saw him, my jaw dropped at the dramatic change he
had gone through. This morning, he was no more than three feet tall, 
now, he was close to four. He had disengaed his armour, and we could
see the little trickle of blood that ran down his chin.

	Suddenly, without warning, he began to convulse violently for
thirty seconds. Then, as abruptly as it had started, it stopped, and
he opened his eyes. He panned his head around, and scowled when he saw
that H was holding him. 

	Startled, she let go of him with a gasp, and he was on his 
feet before we could blink. Turning his attention to Itami, he stared
at my partner for several minutes before shrugging out of boredom. 
I was the subject of his attention for several minutes, but he nodded
at me, as if he trusted me for some reason.

	"Since we have decided to take this job, I think we had better
get prepared for it. Itami, you take H and get some provisions. I'll 
take our client, and get what we need from the Finn."

	Nodding, Itami took H by the hand, and they went out the door.
When they left, I looked down at my client, as said, "Well, are you 
ready?"

	He transformed, and said, "Yes... But why do you trust that
woman? There is something... wrong... about her."

	"Ah, so you noticed that too? She did seem a bit abnormal, but
my partner felt we should keep her around, in case something did go
wrong we could contain it."

	He stood there, unmoving, before replying, "Be warned, Yoi. 
It is...unnatural."

	"You mean like Ramsbottom?" I asked, curious if he had some 
insight into this new twist in my life.

	He shook his head, and said, "No... It is different. Not like
the one at the... arena, or the magic-users."

	Okay, so now something else has decided that we were of 
interest to them. Perfect. Just perfect. I was beginning to doubt that
even the Finn would be of much use to us now.


******


	Aika opened her eyes, and deeply regretted it. Six, long, horrible
months she had been here, in this place that was not on earth, where the
Balancers had taken her. Six months of loneliness and partial isolation,
not to mention the recovery from the gunshot wound she had recieved.

	Of all the things that she had missed, it was Yoi she missed most
of all. She hated this place, and all who lived here. It was if a large
part of her being had been ripped forcibly away from her, and replced 
with something far worse. 
 
	As bad as the days were, the nights were much worse. Many times she
had awakened to the sensation that she had no face, and that her screams 
were trapped inside of her, unable to get past whatever had covered her 
mouth. 

	While she had had a revulsion of sorts to Captain Kawaii, the last
three months had taken her past that, and now the raging flames of
seething hatred filled all of her that, in her deepest heart of hearts,
knew that they would not take away from her. Not ever. When Kumiko, as
she had told me what her name was, came, Aika learned the true depths of
deprivation. 

	Little by little, her hatred had grown. Kumiko was just as crazed
and sadistic as she had been when Yoi had killed her the first time. The
Balancers had taken her sadism and redirected it. No longer a mere 
homicidal murderer, they had remade her into a complete and total 
sociopath. A sociopath that was so devious, that very few would be able
to see past her deceptions.

	Captain Kawaii had been trained to seduce Yoi, in order to bring 
him around to their way of thinking. Unfortunately, Yoi's experience
with the Shub-Niggurath priestess, Reika, had soured him, and he was now
suspicious around women, especially after becoming one himself.

	Now the Balancers wanted Aika to be their mole, for they felt that
she, already in Yoi's good graces, would have a better chance of 
getting past his psychological defenses. Which is why they had taken her.

	"Good afternoon, Aika." said Kumiko pleasantly. Too pleasantly.
"Today, you are to be schooled in the arts of love." she licked at her 
lips in an almost hungry anticipation. "Do not fight me. It is the way
of Dabaisu Ka'Shi'kanru."

	Aika's eyes widened in sheer terror. (No! I won't let her. I will
_NOT_ let her take _that_ away from me.) she thought.

	Sidling up to Aika in an almost serpentine manner, Kumiko placed 
her hands on Aika's shoulders and brought her lips to the other girl's,
her tongue darting back and forth like a cafe tiger.

	The sheer outrage of what was happening brought about a change
in Aika. Her anger burned hotter than the brightest star, radiating 
outward, causing Kumiko to step back, her hands and mouth smoking from
the intense heat.

	Aika's hatred took on a new life, as it lit the spartan chamber,
causing Kumiko's eyes to close shut, and tears to trickle out.

	"You bitch!" she seethed in pain. "I'll make you pay for that!"
Making her insanity tangible, thousands of tendrils and claws, and 
knives, and grasping paws, and sharp, pointed sticks slowly emerged from
the walls.

	This only made Aika angrier. Raising her arms over over lowered
head, she felt as if her limits had not only been surpassed, but were now
a faint memory. Her eyes opened wider, and with one, sudden, jerking 
motion, she reached out, and took hold of Kumiko's power, and examined 
it.

	"This is your power? I see that with the merest movement, I can
either increase it,"  Kumiko began to scream as her power began to grow
past her ability to contain it, and it began to feed on her. "Or I can
turn it off." the crazed magical girl collapsed, as her power left her,
leaving little more than her lifeforce and insanity in its wake.

	Diverting her attention away from her tormentor, Aika stared at the
wall of her chamber in a hatred that she had never experienced before.
With a scream, she unleashed her hatred upon her surroundings, reducing 
much of it to rubble. A stray piece of ceiling struck on the head, and
she collapsed, unconscious of what was going on about her.

	Sounds of fighting soon filled the area, and a woman dressed in 
blue walked into the devatated chamber, and after a few moments of 
sifting through the wreckage, found Aika. Picking the unconscious girl
up, she looked around, as if she felt unseen eyes upon her, and then
disappeared in a flash of light.


*******


	Visiting the Finn is always an experience. Especially since I've
met so many of them in my career as a hunter of magical girls. They
seem to have a knack for finding just the right out of the way, secluded,
and rundown abandoned warehouses. Every one of the men who had carried
the title and position of the Finn had a knack for accumulating stuff.
Ranging somewhere from priceless to what the hell is this?, the 
collections that the Finns maintained, or rather accumulated, had this
unusual tendency to be stacked in ungainly piles, or stuffed into 
whatever shelving or cabinets he could find.

	This Finn was no different. As soon as he let us in, he was carping
at us, telling us to watch out step, and if we disturbed anything, we 
would live to tell the tale. Ah, it's good to see the Finn in such a good
mood.

	After wandering through some darkened, barely lit, (some unlit),
halls, and going up and down several fleets of stairs, the Finn ushered
us into a small workshop, and cleared off some chairs so we could sit 
down. After he had dispensed with the pleasantries of offering 
refreshments, we got down to business.

	"Look, Finn. I've got a really big job, and I need some stuff."
I said, and handing him my want list.

	He took it, and after going through it, he let out a low whistle.
"What are you planning to do, overthrow a prefecture?"

	I shook my head. "No. We're going to Kawaiitown, and I don't want 
to take any more chances than necessary." 
 
	"YOU'RE GOING WHERE!?" the Finn shouted, nearly falling off of his 
chair.

	"Kawaiitown. DO you know where it is?"

	"Are you completely stupid?" he asked, getting back onto his chair.
"Kawaiitown is not a place you want to go to. The government is getting
ready to send the SDF there. There's rumour of inhuman living 
conditions, not to mention the small army that's been forming there since
the place opened, five years ago."

	"It's been around that long, huh?"  Perhaps there was more to 
Kumiko's story, about others making magical girls.

	"Yes. In fact, not too long after they opened the place, it was
effectively cut off from the rest of the country. There's only been
one or two people that were able to make it out of there alive, and
they didn't last very long after they left. That place is evil."

	"Really? Listen, about the list, how soon would you be able to
get all of this ready?"

	The Finn lit a cigar, and blew smoke rings across the room. "The
car and trailer is gonna be the toughest, since that's gonna take a lot
of custom work to get it done. The armament I have on hand, so you can 
pick it up when you leave."

	I nodded. "That's good. Now, I want to make sure that the cannon
in the back of the car will have an elevated platform that swivels, so
the gunner can strafe on the run."

	"No prob. One question."

	Shrugging, I said, "Shoot."

	"How big is the motorcycle you mentioned here?" he asked, pointing
at the list, cigar in hand.

	"The big black one you saw when you let us in." I replied, crossing my 
arms, and finding it strange having to place them under my unwanted 
breasts.
	
	"That thing? are you sure you need such a large trailer?"

	"It's like this, Finn; This morning, my client here and his bike
were much smaller." I said.

	Gasping, the Finn nearly choked on his cigar. I slapped him on the 
back, and he qucikly ragained control of his breathing processes.
"You gotta be kiddin' me." he finally croaked.

	I shrugged. "It's like he's a character in one of those old video
RPGs I used to play in high school. Every so often, he gets bigger, and
stronger, and faster. He's even talking now."

	"We... must hurry." said the little guy, his armor doing a very
good job of inducing fear in the Finn.

	"Okay, okay. I'll get to work on it right now." said the Finn, 
making motions to shoo my client away from him.

	"Oh, and Finn," I said, "Wait till you see how he's paying."

	"Oh my..."


********

	"Ramsbottom is interfering with our plans again." said a voice
in place of ordered geometric shapes and forms.

	"But he was of service to us in dealing with Ultra." said another,
voice, this one eminating from a cylinder that pulsated in to a cone, 
and back again.

	"Now he has told told the Karma of our intentions." said a 
rotating rubik's cube.

	"And given him a weapon of Chaos." said the first voice.

	"That can't be!" exclaimed the cone, as it shifted back into a 
cylinder.

	I FEAR THAT THINGS ARE FAR WORSE THAN WE EXPECTED. THE MAGICKAL
GIRL WE CREATED TO INFILTRATE THEIR ORGANISATION HAS MAGICKALLY MATURED
FAR FASTER THAN EXPECTED, AND HAS TURNED OFF THE CREATION OF ULTRA WE HAD
TURNED BEFORE.

	"Turned off? How is that possible?" asked the ratating puzzle cube,
which had just completed a single side.

	"The girl somehow accessed the other's power access, and cut it 
off, would be a acceptable hypothesis." said the voice.

	AND NOW THOSE WE THOSE WE THOUGHT TO BE A PETTY ANNOYANCE HAVE
DESTROYED THE INDROCTRINATION CENTER, AND TAKEN THE GIRL AWAY. 

	The cylinder shifted into a cone, and then began to spin on its 
axis. "I have learned that the Karma is now in contact with the 
fearmaker, and has abandoned the assignment we gave him."

	YOU WILL ACT ACCORDINGLY. FOR THE KARMA WILL SOON REALISE THAT
WHAT HE HAS SEEN OF US IS A LIE. 

	"As you will." said the voice, cylinder/cone, and puzzle cube.


*********

	Twelve hours later I drove up to the front of my office building
in a late model station wagon, with a large moving trailer tethered to
the back of it. If weren't for the fact that this job would not only
pay the bills for the foreseeable future, and give us some insight into
the recent proliferation of magical girls, I would've killed the Finn,
and then myself when he told me about the cover IDs he had come up with.
My only consolation was going to be the expression on H's face when she
finds out her cover.

	"I have to what!?" she squealed, in what appeared to be a mixture 
of shock and outrage.

	"I thought you enjoyed the time you spent as your real self." I 
said. This makes up for the Victoria's Secret catalog. Almost.

	"But why do I have to be the teenaged daughter?"

	"Because I'm too old to pass for one." I said, fighting back the
manic grin that was threatening to break across my face.

	"What did you just say?"

	"Ladies." said Itami.

	We did a one-eighty, and dropped our jaws in shock. Itami had 
actually spoken with force in his voice.

	"Yes, dear?" asked H, almost trying to apologise.

	"Do as Yoi says." 

	I blinked. This wasn't right Itami speaking actual sentences?
Something was not right here. With a speed that surprised even me, I
pulled out a gun and leveled it between his eyes. "Who are you, and
what did you do to the real Itami.

	Itami placed a hand on the gun, and pushed it away from his face.
I heard a hissing sound, and realised that he was carrying his sword.
"Let's go in my office." he said, and walked into the building.

	I blinked momentarily, confused by this. Dumbfoundedly, I 
followed him into the building. To my surprise, he walked into the
men's room. Looking about, I walked in.

	"What's going on here? You never speak in more than one or two
sylable words."

	Holding a finger up to his lips, he reached into his sportjacket,
and pulled out... 

	A small plastic box. Opening it, he revealed an apparatus made of
plastic and metal wires. "A retainer? What's all this about?"

	"Remember in high school, when I had braces?"

	I slapped myself upside the head. Hard. How could I have forgotten
about that? "Itami, I am such a stupid person. You didn't say much 
because the braces hurt your mouth. I'm sorry for ever doubting you."

	He smiled. I could not believe it, he actually smiled. "That's 
alright, Yoi. The truth was, I really didn't have much to say. Until
recently, that is."

	"Right, and pigs are flying in formation behind me."

	Itami shrugged. "That's it."

	I hit myself again. How could I be so low as not to notice what
my only friend in life was in pain, or that he really didn't have 
anything to say. Because he was always there, and he always followed the
same...pattern.

	Pattern? Perhaps that was what everyone was trying to tell me 
along.

	"Come, on Honey. We can't leave the kids alone for too long."

	"How did you know about the cover IDs?" I asked, while glaring
at him. "And don't call me honey."

	"Because I know about Kawaiitown. My Aunt Momoe lives there."
he said, leaving me in the men's room all alone.

	"Itami!! You're driving all the way!"


*********


	The trip south was mainly uneventful, aside from the time we were
pulled over by a police officer who nearly arrested Itami when he
made a crack about four girls and a goat. Hell, I nearly brained him for
that.

	To make sure that our covers were secure, we traveled the whole
way in character. I <shudder> had to wear a dress, but getting to 
lord it over H (now my dutiful daughter Tamiko), the whole way.

	Although we had to stop at an Inn for one night, we made it
to the outskirts of Kawaiitown by midmorning the next day. The Finn
was right. This place had security up the wazoo. Before we even
saw the outskirts of the place, we had to stop by a tollbooth that
was manned by a lazy gaijin.

	"Yeah?" the gaijin asked lazily, drool running down his chin.
"What brings you to Kawaiitown, the happiest place on eath?"

	"Well, my good man, after years of hearing such wonderful stories
 from my Aunt Momoe, I finally gave in, and decided to pull up stakes,
and move my family here." said Itami in a very good natured tone of
voice. 

	"Right, and do you have a password?"

	"Why, certainly sir. it's right here!" said Itami as his sword
just appeared out of nowhere into his hand. The tip of it pushed at the
skin of the gaijin's throat. "Now, would you be a good fellow, and 
disengage that nasty forcefield we both know is there?"

	Sweating profusely, the gaijin did as he was told.  

	Twenty meters away, something that looked like a curtain of energy
dropped down into the ground. Itami gunned the engine, and said to
the gaijin, "I would get out there, if I were you."

	The man turned deathly pale, and just barely made it out of the 
booth before it blew up from the grenades that Itami had thrown in there
while the guard was shutting down the forcefield. By that time, we were
past the barrier line, and burning rubber towards our destination.

	I just hoped that it wasn't our final destination.

	"Itami, how did you know about the forcefield?" I asked, 
suspicious of my partner's knowledge of this place.

	"My Aunt Momoe is a bit wierd." he said. "She writes her letters
in a very complex code, then backwards and upside down. The folks that
read the outgoing mail here tend to skip her stuff because they end up
getting reprogrammed."

	"Right." I said. Leaning over the seat, I nodded to my client, and
said, "Hideo, our cover is blown. are you ready?" calling him by the
cover name that the Finn had given him.

	He nodded, and crawled through the back, and out the window, which
Itami had opened. He then made his way into the trailer via a special 
hatch we had the Finn put in it as part of the customisations we had
requested. 

	It wasn't much longer before the motorcycle troopers, resplendent
in the cute white armor came riding out towards us, the engines of their
bikes screaming as they moved.
 	
	I hit a button on the control panel that had come out of the dash, 
and twenty seconds later, Hideo and his motorcycle flew out from the open
doors at the rear of the trailer.

	As soon as I saw that he was clear, I made my way into the back 
of the car, and took my seat on the machine cannon platform. The machine
cannon takes the concept of something like a Gatling gun, or a 
mini-gun, and made it so big that it had to either be bolted down in 
place, or attached to a heavy vehicle. After seeing it in a gun magazine,
I asked the Finn to get one for us after we learned that Ultra could
ressurect anyone he wanted to.

	Although we never got a chance to use it on the Crayon Knights,
the Finn held on to it until we did have a use for it, and did we ever.
After giving the all-clear sign to H, I strapped myself into the chair,
and waited for Itami to open the roof, and raise the platform. It worked
to perfection, and I was able to give cover fire to Hideo.

	Now Hideo was amazing on that motorcycle of his. Not only could 
his shotgun take out several troopers at once, but I saw him grab one
off of its bike, and hold it up until it hit a low-lying bridge for a 
train.

	I yelled at Itami, who lowered the cannon's platform just in time 
for me to avoid going up in a ball of flame on that bridge. Once we were
past it, the platform raised, and I resumed firing.

	Hideo made short work of most of them, leaving me to mop up the 
stragglers that he had missed,or had shot their mounts from under them.
When we reached Kawaiitown proper, we saw that it was surrounded by high,
brightly coloured walls, and the main gate to the place was closed, and 
in front of it was a platoon of the white troopers, albeit much larger,
and even more disgustingly cute than the short ones we had seen before.

	Almost immediately, I began firing at them, but it was to no avail.
The rounds bounced off the armor of most, and some had erected a small
forcefield, which stopped the rest.

	Hitting the brakes on the car, Itami lowered the platform at the
same time. Had I not been strapped to the seat of the cannon, I would not
have lived mush longer. Itami's fingers danced wildly upon the dash
console, and the roof closed up over my head. Panels on the sides of 
the car opened above the rear wheels, and hundreds of micromissiles
arced out towards the gate.

	While most of the missles were stopped by the forcefield, a few
made it in, and managed to chip away at their armor. Hideo's motorcycle
screamed past us, and for a moment, I thought the little idiot was going
to sacrifice himself. Instead, he jumped off of it at the last possible
moment, and as he landed, the bike roared, and went clean through the 
forcefield.

	That gave us an opening. H and Itami were out of the car as soon
as the explosion had cleared. H transformed, with a musical accompaniment
of sleazy music, a _lot_ of skin, and a whole slew of whips and chains.

	Itami's sword moved as if had a life of its own, and I could
almost swear I heard it laughing as it cleaved through the now-bloodied
soldiers.

	Meanwhile, I was unstrapping myself when I saw Hideo walk slowly 
up the carnage, and pick up a trooper who had been knocked unconscious
and began to slap him until he awoke. 

	When the trooper wouldn't divulge any information, Hideo threw the
trooper into the gate, leaving a masive impact crater. Walking over to
the gate, he brought back a fist, and punched the gate, which flew open.

	I got out of the car, and walked over to Itami. "That's amazing."
I said.

	"Yeah."

	"What do we do now? asked H, tossing a few white shells over her
shoulder.

	Good question. "Let's go in, and look around."


******

WHAT LIES IN STORE FOR OUR HEROES? WHO IS THIS GUY CALLING HIMSELF ULTRA?
ARE THE BALANCERS OUT TO CONTROL YOI'S LIFE? JUST WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
WHAT EVILS LURK IN THE DEPTHS OF KAWAIITOWN?	

Find out next time, as John Evans has deal with this mess.