And now, it's time for yet another (hopefully) thrilling installment of...

                            Magical Girl Hunters

Chapter 23: Chaos Theory

by John Evans (jevans@datablast.net)

Presented by ImproFanfic (http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic/)

Magical Girl Hunters created by Aaron Shattuck

Warning: If you're reading this, you should know to expect blood and death in
this story. But I'll guess I warn you anyway. ...Wait. I just did. ...Oh well.

This chapter edited by my alternate personalities.

"Deep breath.

 Time to kick ass."
                    --Yoi, #4

=====

    So there we were, in Kawaiitown.  And let me tell you...it was kawaii.

    Now I know what you're thinking..."Big surprise, Yoi, that's the freakin'
*name*."  But, you see, saying that Kawaiitown is kawaii is like saying that
having a sex-change operation without anesthetic would be painful.  True, but
somehow inadequate.

    The houses were all kind of squat and rounded.  If they were human, I'd
say they were superdeformed.  (A word which, incidentally, was taking on whole
new meanings for me.)  They were all painted garish pastel colors that made
your retinas feel sugary.  The streets were all clean white stone...and since
the sun was high in the sky, the effect was rather blinding.  (And that was
another thing that creeped me out...before we had gotten to the gate, it had
looked like it was about to rain, but now the only clouds in the sky were a
few fluffy white ones.  I mean, how the hell did they do that?)  Anyway, every
house had a sparkling white driveway, and a lawn that was positivly crammed
with flowers.  And the people...they were all cute and happy and warm and
smiling and insane, as far as I could tell.  Fortunately, they seemed to avoid
us.

    You might wonder why I'm dwelling on this so much.  The reason is simple;
after having to go through Kawaiitown, I want to share my misery with someone.
And that, dear reader, is where you come in.

    Anyway...the point is that if I didn't have Sailor H and her naughty fuku
to look at, the cuteness probably would have driven me stark raving mad right
then and there.

    "I remember this place," H murmured.  I pulled my gaze up to her face and
saw a troubled expression.

    "Have you been here, before, H?" I asked.

    "Long ago..."  She shivered.  "The...Mystic Citrus Warriors were trained
here."  Itami put his arm around her, and she snuggled against him.

    Well, that probably meant she wasn't going to be any help finding our way
around.  I looked at Hideo, and he seemed to be lost in his thoughts.

    I, of course, didn't have any idea where to go, so we ended up just
standing there for a while.

    After a few minutes of gawking at the scenery, a short, middle-aged (but
somehow cute) woman rushed up to us.  "Itami-chan!" she exclaimed.

    Itami waved a little wave.  "Hello, Aunt Momoe."

    Aunt Momoe swept Itami up in a bone-crushing hug.  "You finally came to
visit me!" she squeaked.  "I'm so happy!"

    "Ghhff," Itami asserted.

    She set him down.  "Let me look at you.  Oh, you look so grown up!  Wait,
that isn't your mother's sword...Oh well, you can tell me all about it in your
own time.  I'm so happy to SEE YOU!"  She jumped up and down a couple times.
"Oh, but I'm being so rude.  Please introduce me to your friends!"

    Itami turned to us.  I couldn't be sure, but I think I almost saw a blush
on his face.  "Aunt Momoe, my girlfriend, Sailor H..."

    Aunt Momoe bounced over to H.  "You're my Itami-chan's girlfriend?!?...
well, I guess I should have expected it.  He's not a child anymore."  She
paused to wipe away a tear.  "Well, you certainly are pretty, dear.  And I
love your dress.  Just between us girls, is my nephew, you know, satisfying
you?"

    H giggled.  "He's not very experienced, but he learns quickly!"

    "Well, that's good to hear.  And who's your other lady friend, Itami-
chan?"  Suddenly she spun to face me.

    As you might expect, I had been watching Aunt Momoe's antics with my eyes
almost bulging out of their sockets, so I had to compose myself quickly.

    "My business partner, Yoi," Itami replied.  I couldn't believe it, but
Itami actually sounded embarrassed.

    Aunt Momoe jumped into the air and landed right in front of me, making me
step back involuntarily.  "Well, it's nice to meet you Yoi!  I like your dress
too, but your haircut makes you look like a lesbian."

    I opened my mouth, but could not think of a single thing to say.  And I
bet you couldn't have either, wiseguy.

    "Unless of course you are one," she chattered on.  "Which is fine with me,
I try to be open-minded.  And who's this young fellow?"  She rounded on Hideo,
who, oddly enough, looked calm.

    "Our client, uh, Hideo," Itami put in.

    "Well, hello, I'm Itami's aunt, don't mind me," Aunt Momoe said.

    Hideo scowled.  Suddenly I felt a wave of pressure emanating from him.  I
put my hands to my head and almost staggered...and from the looks of it, H and
Itami weren't doing any better.

    "That certainly is some scary armor," Aunt Momoe noted.

    The cyborg blinked, and the pressure faded.

    "Wai!"  Aunt Momoe was suddenly jumping up and down in fromt of Itami
again.  "Now tell me all about everything that happened since your last
letter!"

    Almost as one, H and I stepped back from them.

    "She's nuts," I averred.

    "I kinda like her," H said with a smile.

    "You're nuts too," I muttered, walking back to the car.  "Hell, I don't
think anyone I've met in the last few months qualifies as sane. Myself
included."  I found the set of male clothes I had stashed in the back seat,
and pulled off my dress.

    "Oooh, I didn't know you were an exhibitionist, Yoi," H purred.

    "Go.  To.  Hell."  In point of fact, I was wearing a T-shirt and boxers,
so I didn't feel very exposed.  It was a lot better than looking feminine,
anyway.

    H leaned against the car, watching Itami try to withstand his aunt.  "I
don't know why you're so upset, Yoi," she said.  "I know a lot of guys really
wonder what it's like to be a woman."

    "Not me," I snapped, buttoning my shirt.  "I'm a guy.  I always have
been, and I will be again."  I sat down on the car seat to pull on my pants.

    "I see," she murmured.  "...I didn't realize that."

    "Yeah, whatever," I muttered.

    "Yoi...can I ask you something?"

    I looked up, pulling on my jacket.  H looked strangely serious.

    Hell, I couldn't stay mad at someone who dressed like *that*, even if I
didn't have a chance with her.

    "Yeah, what is it?" I said with a sigh.

    "...Should I keep being Sailor H?"

    I put on my trenchcoat, and ran my hands through my hair.  Now that I was
properly dressed, I felt a lot more like myself.  "What do you mean, should
you keep being Sailor H?"

    "That's a simple enough question, isn't it?"

    I frowned.  "Well...if you weren't Sailor H, who would you be?"

    "A normal girl?  A regular magical girl?"

    I have to admit, I was surprised...But in retrospect, I probably shouldn't
have been.  After all, it had been a long time since that fateful day, when
Itami and I attacked the Mystic Citrus Warriros...maybe she had dealt with all
of that.  And there was that time she'd said she wanted to show Itami she
could be a normal girl, and deal with commitment blah blah blah...

    My first impulse, of course, was to say that I would miss Sailor H and her
fuku.  And yet, somehow I knew that wasn't a good idea.  (Koi, probably.
Maybe having a conscience isn't all *that* bad.)

    Then a rather scary thought struck me.  "You're not getting affected by
this insane town, are you, H?" I said warily.

    She snorted.  "This town is beyond insane.  ...No, I started thinking
about this a while ago.  Like...maybe I could be one of those Magical Women.
I have a feeling I could still be Warrior Raspberry...if I *really* wanted
to..."

    "...Well, do you want to?"

    She sighed.  "No...but maybe I should."

    I scratched my head.  "What does Itami think?"

    H looked over to Itami and his aunt again.  "Itami's such a sweet guy...he
said it doesn't matter."

    Yeah, Itami being a 'sweet guy' kinda threw me, too.  But anyway..."H, if
Itami doesn't care, why does it matter?  Whose opinion could you possibly
value other than his?"

    She looked down.  "Well, it's not like that...it's just...I was a magical
girl once, Yoi.  Sometimes I feel...pulled in that direction.  As if, becoming
Sailor H was somehow perverting something..."

    I thought about all the times people had tried to force me into doing
something...including my transformation into a magical girl.  I stood up and
looked H in the eye.

    "H, after all the shit that's been dumped on me, there's one thing I know:
Being forced into a role, because of destiny or cosmic politics or whatever,
*sucks*, big time.  You wanna be Sailor H?  You go ahead and do it.  I think
you make a GREAT Sailor H, and with your 'H powers' you should realize that I
really *mean* that."

    H blinked...and, after a moment, smiled.  "Well...thank you, Yoi.  That
actually does help.  ...I hope you get back to being a man soon."  She winked,
and walked back to Itami.

    "Yeah, me too," I muttered.  I closed the car door, and noticed 'Hideo'
looking at me.  "And what do *you* want?" I snapped.

    He stared at me for a few moments, then shrugged and turned away.  I
rolled my eyes and turned around, to find Itami approaching, while H chatted
with Aunt Momoe.  "Itami," I said as he walked up, "Your aunt's a pretty, ah,
interesting woman."

    Itami shrugged.  "She never married.  Treats me and my cousins like the
sons she never had."

    "Ah, so that's why she's so...affectionate.  ...So, get any good info
from her?"

    "Got a description of the town layout," he replied.  "We probably want the
town administration center."

    "And where's that?"

    "Center."

    "Yeah, I know, but where?"

    He gave me a look.

    "Sorry partner, I couldn't resist."  He rolled his eyes, and then I
remembered something.  "Uh...say, Itami...where'd you get that sword?  I
thought the one you had was destroyed in the big Ultra-battle..."

    "Saw this one in a shop," Itami replied, reaching down to caress the hilt.
"It was...calling to me."  His eyes glazed over.

    Oh, great.  *Just* what I needed, the Return of the Possessed Sword, Part
II.  "Well, make sure you keep it under control, okay?"

    His eyes snapped back into focus, and he nodded.

    "Yooooooiii!"

    The voice could only be described as kawaii.  Again, I know what you're
thinking; "This is Kawaiitown, blah blah blah".  But this voice had a
particular kawaii-ness that immediately dug into the spine, and went straight
to the old adrenal glands.

    I turned around and saw the cheerful countenance of Captain Kawaii.  I
suppose it figured that she was here in Kawaiitown.

    "You were supposed to go to UniOptics!" she said with a grin.  "I may have
to punish you for that sometime!"

    I was starting to seriously reconsider taking this job.

=====

    After bidding farewell to Itami's Aunt Momoe, we drove through
Kawaiitown, looking for the town administration center.  Fortunately, Itami
let me sit up front, which left H and Kawaii in the back, eyeing each other
warily.  I passed the time by examining the people we passed.  Most seemed
incredibly cute and happy...some of them desperately so.  Others, however,
appeared to be more relaxed...or were looking around in a hopeful yet nervous
manner.  If I had to guess (and I didn't, but what the hell), I would have
said that the policemen (or whoever usually kept these people kawaii) were not
around.  Maybe we'd killed them all in our initial attack.  Maybe that was as
hard as it was going to be.

    And maybe the Gender Fairy was going to visit me at night and give me my
Y chromosomes back.  Yeah, I'm a cynical, pessimistic bastard, but it keeps
me alive.

    We finally got to the center, and disembarked to get a good look at it.
It was a big office building which nevertheless, by what means I don't even
want to *try* to guess at, managed to look cute.

    Itami put his hand on H's shoulder as they looked at the building, and she
sort of leaned against him.  Captain Kawaii positioned herself in front of me
with a hopeful look.  I shivered.

    "So...uh, Captain Kawaii," I began.

    "You can call me Kumiko, Yoi," she said, smiling happily.

    "...uh, yeah.  So what are you doing here in Kawaiitown?"

    She gave me a look.

    "...I mean, of course, you being Captain Kawaii and all, it makes sense,"
I said, hoping that sounded more intelligent to everyone else than it did to
me, "But was there any...I don't know, *specific* reason you're here, now?"

    "To see you!"  She beamed.

    "Ah, of course," I said weakly.

    "And the kawaii helps my powers recharge," she continued.

    "Really.  ...So, something happened, then?"

    For the first time, I saw Captain Kawaii uncomfortable.  "Well...yes, but
it's not important right now."

    "I see."  There was definitely more to this story.

    I felt a tap on my shoulder, and turned to see Hideo.  "What's up?" I
asked.

    "My destiny...is here," he replied.

    "So we found the right place?  That's good.  Anything else you can tell
us?"

    "There are still guardians.  ...I do not know what, though."

    I turned back to the building, and shrugged.  "Well, we expected that.
Come on...no time like the present."  I walked up to the front door.

    The automatic doors slid open, and a wave of cuteness smacked me in the
face.

    Well, not literally, but it sure felt like that.  Arrayed in the lobby
were five magical girls.  Not only were their magical uniforms all in pastel
colors, but all five seemed to be about eight years old, which increased their
kawaii by a factor of four.  And they were all posing cutely.  And if *that*
wasn't enough, when the door opened a recorded woman's voice said 'Kawaii!'.

    "We are the Kawaii Defense Five!" they chanted.  "In the name of Kawaii,
we cannot let you pass!"  They posed and gestured.

    If you've been reading along, you'll remember that one of the tips of the
trade I've let slip is that the best time to attack a magical girl is when
she's in mid-speech.

    "Kawaii Protector Lady Lerina!" the middle one proclaimed.  She had a
pastel blue magical dress on.  "Champion of puppies, children between the ages
of five and nine, and little--"  BANG!  "GHHK!"

    Trust me, if you'd been there, you would have shot her too.

    Itami and H charged in to my right, having close combat weapons, and a
rainbow zap from my left signaled Captain Kawaii taking care of another.  It
was over in seconds.  Well, not quite over, since H seemed to be torturing her
girl a bit before the big finish, and the last one was cowering in front of
the receptionist's desk, but neither seemed likely to give any more trouble.
I raised my gun.

    "Wait."

    I almost staggered as a wave of fear swept past me, and focused on that
last girl.  Hideo walked past me, towards her.  She looked like a deer pinned
by headlights.  A deer in a pastel yellow fuku.  Okay, I admit it was a bad
comparison, but anyway...

    Hideo grabbed her by the front of her fuku, and hoisted her into the air.
"Where is Ultra?" he demanded.

    I almost swallowed my tongue.  "Ultra?"  I looked around for answers.  H
was still preoccupied with new friend, and Itami shrugged at me.  I turned to
Captain Kawaii, and she frowned.

    "I think they would have let me know if he'd escaped," she said.  "Maybe
it's just someone using his name."

    That news calmed me down...a little.  "Yeah, that's probably it..."

    Hideo tossed the now-crying magical girl to the floor.  "Top floor," he
said, turning to the elevator.  I raised my gun again, and he shook his head.
"Don't kill her."

    I blinked.  "Why not?"

    "Not necessary."

    I looked.  The girl seemed to have withdrawn somewhere inside her head.  I
was eerily reminded of the look on a certain Citrus Warrior's face, long ago.
In any event, she certainly wasn't going to cause any more trouble today.  I
shrugged.  "The customer's always right."

    He nodded, and walked to the elevator.  I looked around.  "Done yet, H?"

    H threw the magical girl's body to the floor, where it made a distinctly
unliving thump.  "All set," she smirked.

    Well, she was certainly back to her old self.

=====

    I bet you expected the elevator trip to be uneventful.  Well, with H
snuggling up to Itami, and Captain Kawaii trying to do the same to me...it
was, as they say, an interesting time.

    I was distinctly relieved when we disembarked into "Ultra"'s office, but
the received a bit of a shock upon seeing his secretary.  See, you might
remember that I had this sorta-girlfriend named Reika, who I eventually had to
kill...and who I met by breaking into a Shubby-chan facility where she was
working as a receptionist...twice.  Ultra's secretary didn't really look that
much like Reika, on closer inspection, and the offices were different...but I
still had a strong sense of deja vu.

    And here I thought I'd dealt with having to kill my first real squeeze.
Well, I guess some things are hard to forget...

    The receptionist smiled.  "Please go right in, Mr. Ultra is expecting
you."

    I sighed, then felt a hand on my shoulder.  I turned to see Itami.  He
looked...sympathetic, somehow.  I managed a smile.  "Yeah, thanks, man. It's
okay," I said.

    H pulled on Itami's other arm.  "He's mine, Yoi!"

    "...Don't ever go there again, H."

    "You can talk to me about your problems, Yoi," Captain Kawaii piped up.

    I refrained from the obvious response, and stalked into the office.

=====

    The office was palatial...but also somehow cute.  (Do you sense a theme
yet?)  The desk was bright white marble, wide enough to film two cooking shows
on.  Behind it was a huge plate glass window, affording a stunning view of
the gleaming streets and SD buildings of Kawaiitown.  We looked to be more
than a hundred meters up.  Various flowerpots and pictures of cute mascots
adorned the walls.

    Standing at the desk was a rather effeminate-looking guy with pink hair
trying to look dramatic.

    "So you finally made it," he sighed, tossing his hair.

    Hideo stepped forward.  "You..."

    Pink-hair's face split in a grin.  "Welcome home!"

    We all shared a blink.

    "Won't you introduce me to your friends, my son?" he continued.

    I looked at Hideo, and was rather unnerved to see an expression of
confusion on his face.  I leaned over and hissed "Do you this guy?" at him.

    "Of course he knows me!" pink-hair said expansively.  "I created him!  I
made him what he is today!  Without me, he'd be just another weak human."

    Hideo now looked rather confused, which *really* scared me.  If he used
that shotgun on us..."So why did you send all those troopers after him?" I
said loudly.

    The bishounen guy's expression turned sorrowful...which somehow reminded
me of the way Mashihaisha Ultra looked, when I confronted him under the stage
of the Happydrome.  Needless to say, it wasn't a reassuring connection.  "All
I wanted was to bring him home," he said, spreading his arms wide.  "He
belongs here, with all of us..."

    Hideo frowned, which I took to be a very good sign.  "I am not kawaii," he
intoned.

    "But we can help you be kawaii..." he said smoothly.

    Suddenly Hideo's armor glowed darkly.  (And don't try and tell me that's
not possible--I was there.)  I had to step back, away from the fear he was
emanating.

    "I...am...not...KAWAII!"

    "Does that mean we can kill this guy now?" I heard H mutter.

    The guy sighed.  "It is as I feared...you turned out too unstable to live
here with us.  I deeply regret this, but..." He waved a hand--

    Cuteness washed out from behind him, clashing insanely with the fear in
the room.  I felt like my mind was being pulled out of my brain.  I heard H
yelp and even Itami grunt from the sensation, but a quick glance showed that
Captain Kawaii seemed to be *basking* in the wave of cute energy...which was
somehow not all that reassuring.

    A midget in silver and blue armor stepped out of the shadows behind
"Ultra".  The cuteness was centered on him.

    "Beware, Kowaider!  I, the Kawaiider, will lay down my life to protect
Ultra-sama.  For all of Kawaiitown!"

    This definitely got a high score on the Oh shit-o-meter.

=====

    Hideo, who it seemed was really the "Kowaider", let loose with both
barrels of that nasty shotgun of his.  The "Kawaiider" spun back, a cute
little blood spray spurting from his shoulder (don't ask, okay? it just
*was*).  This didn't seem to slow him down, though, as he pulled what looked
remarkably like a magical girl wand out of his basket of goodies and sent a
darling magenta zap at his opponent.

    I knew if I didn't get to kill something soon I'd go insane, so I yelled
"Get the pink-haired guy!" and let loose with a full clip from my Uzi.
Unfortunately, the bullets just seemed to bounce off his suit.  Not good.
Itami and H jumped at him, with sword and whip respectively, but a flare of
pink energy threw them back.

    I glanced back to Captain Kawaii while I pulled out another clip.  She
just seemed to be standing there watching.  "I thought you were supposed to be
on our side this time," I snapped.

    She looked hurt.  "I'm trying to figure out what to do, Yoi.  I can tell
right now that my powers won't scratch this 'Ultra' person.  ...Do you have
any other magic weapons, or something?"

    "Well..."  I suddenly remembered Ramsbottom, and his Order and Chaos
shtick.  He said I'd be forced to use one of the weaposn...

    Well, there was no way in hell I was doing what HE said.  I looked around
for some other option.

    'Ultra' was just standing there laughing off Itami and H's attacks, but
they didn't seem to be any danger even if they weren't doing any damage...so I
could forget about them for a moment.  The Kowaider and Kawaiider were still
locked in battle, and seemed to be evenly matched.

	"You cannot defeat me!" the Kawaiider piped up.  "I am the defender of
Kawaiitown and Ultra-sama!"

    Suddenly something clicked in my head.  "Ultra is gone!" I yelled.  "We
blasted him from this plane of existence!  This guy with the pink hair has
been lying to you!"

    That seemed to get through to him.  "What?" he gasped.  Hideo took the
opportunity to blast him again.

    "Look at him!" I called.  "His wings are FAKE!"  Suddenly I was enjoying
myself.

    The Kawaiider turned to me again.  "No!  Ultra-sama wouldn't lie to me!"

    'Ultra' noticed me at this point.  "Quiet!" he bellowed, and sent a big
pink zap at me...But before I had time to wonder whether I could dodge fast
enough, Captain Kawaii leapt in front of me and blocked the energy with her
wand...and it was sucked in.

    Her back was to me, but I could *feel* that grin of hers beaming across
the room.

    I took the opportunity to mess with the Kawaiider's head some more.  "Does
he *really* look like an angel?"  In point of fact, 'Ultra' looked pretty mad
right about now, and was actually attacking Itami and H.  I hoped they could
hold out...

    "Ultra-sama!"  The Kawaiider was almost in tears.  "Please, tell me the
truth!"  Suddenly he screamed, as the full force of Hideo's fear armor bore
down on him.  I noticed that his scream wasn't all that cute.

    "Kawaiider, my faithful--damn you!" 'Ultra' snarled, and backhanded Itami,
sending him flying across the room.  I felt a chill as he hit the wall, but H
was running to check on him, so I tried to concentrate on the fight.

    The Kawaiider staggered to his feet, tears streaking the blood on his
face.  "I...my life, for...Kawaiitown," he croaked.

    Hideo finished loading his shotgun, and leveled it at his opponent.  The
noise shook the floor, and the Kawaiider was blown back through the huge
window, which made that sound only a huge window being broken to smithereens
can make.

    A full five seconds later, there was a distant crash.

    I looked back to Itami and H.  Itami was getting to his feet, and H looked
very relieved.  I turned back, and saw that Hideo and 'Ultra' were in some
kind of staring contest.  Captain Kawaii was watching then, but then looked
back at me and grinned that special grin.  I shivered involuntarily.

    "All right!" 'Ultra' snapped.  "You win this round.  I knew I should have
terminated you right after you came out of the vat...And I will, someday!"  He
suddenly spun to face me.  "And that goes double for you, *Yoi*!  You'll learn
to fear the name of Lobrite!"  Then, before any of us could react, he jumped
out the window.

    We listened for some time, but there was no crash.

    "I thought so," Kawaii said.  We all turned to look at her.  "Lobrite, one
of Ultra's lieutenants.  You remember Haikite, Yoi?"

    Well, that was a name I hadn't heard in a while.  That last time we saw
him, he had been presiding over the (first) resurrection of Captain Kawaii.
Just what I needed to remember.

    "Yeah, I do.  They're the same rank, or something?"  She nodded.  "It
figures."  I sighed.

    Hideo coughed, and fell to his knees.  Suddenly I realized that he looked
almost as bad as the Kawaiider had, before failing to fly.  I hurried over,
but then he was engulfed in arcs of electricity, and all I could do was
watch...

    When the electricity died down, though, Hideo looked fine.  In fact, he
looked...almost normal.  He stood up, and was actually a couple centimeters
taller than I was.

    "Thank you all," he intoned.  "I have not found all I was searching for,
but I will stay in Kawaiitown for now.  Now, if you could all leave, I'd like
to have a word with Yoi alone."

    We all sorta stared.  "That's *it*?" H exploded.  "A private army, five
magical girls and some cyber-Sanrio reject, and then 'Get outta here'?"

    I almost thought I saw a smile on Hideo's face.  "You don't belong here.
I would think you'd be eager to leave."

    "We are, I assure you," I said.  "Everyone get out so I can talk to the
man.  The sooner I do, the sooner we can scram."

    Itami turned to leave, and H hurried to support him, rolling her eyes one
last time at us.  Captain Kawaii sort of looked at me for a moment, then left,
and closed the door.  That bothered me, somehow...not that anything she did
really *reassured* me...

    "Yoi."

    I turned back.  "What's on your mind, Hideo?  Or, wait...that's not your
name, is it?"

    "It's a good enough name."  He looked at me gravely.  "Thank you for your
help.  Because of you, I can make this town better."

    Oddly enough, I felt a little embarrassed.  "Well...you know...you have to
understand, we didn't do it just to be nice..."

    This time I did see a flicker of a smile.  "Of course, your payment."  He
handed over the bag of bullion.  "You earned it, by helping me understand the
situation correctly.  And in return, I want to help you understand your
situation."

    I blinked.  "...Oh?"

    He frowned.  "Yoi...you are trying to break free of destiny.  Trying to
make sure you do what you want, not what circumstances force you into.  I
admire that."

    As you might imagine, I wasn't quite sure how to respond to this line of
conversation.  "Oh...well...good," I said lamely.

    "Your partner is not trying.  I believe that's why he obtained another
sword."

    I frowned.  "Well...personally, I'm not going to try to tell him how to
run his life.  ...Unless he asks, or starts acting weird like he did with the
first sword."

    Hideo nodded.  "And the girl...Sailor H.  She is following a dark path."

    At that point, I remembered how Hideo had seemed wary of H...but it really
wasn't his business, was it?  "I don't think it's your place, or anyone
else's, to tell her what to do," I said grimly.

    "Perhaps.  I think the advice you gave her was correct.  And yet...in her
case, it may not have been the best."

    "What else was I supposed to say, then?"  I tried to cross my arms, but
then realized my chest was in the way.  I muttered yet another curse at my
female body...

    He shrugged.  "I do not know.  But the last of your group...the girl with
red hair."

    I wondered if I could stand any more bad news about Captain Kawaii.
"Yeah?"

    "She is dangerous.  Very dangerous."

    "Big surprise there," I muttered.

    "She combines kawaii and kowai."  I stared at him.  "I think there are
very few people that are safe from her."

    I rubbed my face.  "Just what I needed to hear."

    "I am sorry, Yoi.  Now you should leave."  He stared at me calmly.

    "Er...yeah."  I sighed, and turned to the door.  "Oh...let us know if you
ever need our help again."

    "Perhaps I will," I heard him murmur as I left the office.

=====

    Three months later...

    I sat in the office, idly throwing darts at the board.  Then the door
opened, and Aika walked in.

    "Yoi!" she exclaimed.  "I'm so happy you finally became a man again!
Maybe now you won't feel uncomfortable about going on a date with me!"

    I smiled and started to reply, but just then Sailor H walked into the
room.

    "No!" she proclaimed.  "I've decided that I like Yoi better than Itami, so
I want to go out with him!"

    "But he was going to go out with me!" Aika whined.

    "Well, I've known him a lot longer than you have!"

    "No!" a new voice shouted.  To my vast surprise, Kyo uwalked into the
room.  "I couldn't stand being in Heaven if I couldn't be with you, Yoi!  Go
out with me!"

    "No!"  My eyes almost bulged right out of their sockets as Reika walked
into the room.  "I'm the only one Yoi's actually slept with, and I came back
from the dead for him!  So I deserve him the most!"

    "Well Yoi killed me *twice* and I still want him!"  Captain Kawaii yelled,
walking in behind Reika.  "I think that gives me the most right!"

    The room erupted in a furious babble as the women argued.  Then H's voice
cut through the din: "Wait, WAIT!  QUIET!  ...There's an easy way to settle
this!"

    We all looked at her, and she smiled.

    "Fortunately, Yoi, polygamy was just legalized here in Japan."

    I opened my mouth to reply, but then caught sight of the door to our
office.  It said 'Yoi and Itami'.  I looked away, and then looked back, and
it said 'Magical Girl Hunters'.

    Damn.  This was a dream.

    I leaped at H and managed to get in one good squeeze before the world
dissolved.

    I was lying in bed...but something was different.  I realized I was still
male.  Then I noticed someone sitting in a chair near the bed.

    It was me...but it wasn't me.  That meant it could only be one person.

    "I'm still dreaming, aren't I?" I asked.

    Koi nodded.  For some reason, he was wearing a tuxedo with a cape, and a
white mask.

    I sighed.  "Can't you just leave me alone?"

    He leaned forward.  "We are the same."

    "I'm nothing like you," I snapped.

    "You don't quite understand," he said, staring intensely at me.  "You seem
to think that I'm the feminine side of me, and thus enjoy my condition."

    I blinked.  "You aren't my feminine side?"

    "No.  I don't think I even *have* a feminine side."  He leaned back again.
"You've been pushing me apart, because you think being closer will mean
accepting this female body."

    I had to admit, he had a point.  But then, he would know, wouldn't he?
"So...you don't like this female body any more than I do."

    "Well...perhaps a little more.  But I won't miss it when it's gone."

    "If it's gone," I muttered.

    "True.  Half a solution may be worse than none."

    I stared at him.  "What's that supposed to mean?"

    "Just what it sounds like."

    I rubbed my eyes.  I didn't know you could feel tired in a dream, but
apparently you could.  "So you want me to keep trying to get back together
with you.  I guess that's okay...but I don't think I can get that date any
time soon."

    "I understand.  It's important I don't feel pressured.  It should be an
easy, natural thing."

    "Like anything about me nowadays is natural."  I sighed.  "If there's
nothing else, go away and let me sleep."

    "Sorry," he said, "It's time to wake up."

    And then I woke up.

    Still female, still tired.  It wasn't three months later, it was the
morning after the Kawaiitown raid.  In a fit of contrariness, I tried to get
back to sleep...but I couldn't manage it, and eventually decided to go to the
office.  It wasn't like I had anything better to do...

=====

    After morning hygiene rituals, breakfast (mostly coffee) and a bit of
driving, I was safely ensconced in my office.  Itami and H had said they'd
stop by sometime during the day...and given that business was pretty slow, I
didn't have an excuse to disturb them from whatever debaucheries were, even
now, going on...

    So basically I was bored.  But then I got to thinking...(And that's always
how the trouble starts, isn't it?)

    I found myself reaching for a dart, to throw at the board.  Recently, I'd
gotten a bit soured on darts (and if you don't know why, tough, because I'm
*not* going through all that again), but I decided to give them another shot,
as it were.  However, when I opened the dart drawer, I found a gun.  The more
astute of you will probably realize that this was not an uncommon occurrence
in the office...we had a lot of guns.  But you see, this gun was Aika's.

    When Aika, Pretty Deadly, first signed on with us, I graciously lent her
a couple of old nine millimeter pistols I didn't use anymore.  Okay, it was
more grudging than graceful, but I do tend to be possessive about my weapons.
So this was one of those guns.  I remembered Aika rushing into the room with
it when Itami first unsheathed his evil sword...

    All right, I admit it, I got a bit sentimental.  But I'm only human, after
all...Okay, so I kill young girls for a living.  Does that mean I can't miss
my girlfriend?  Or almost-girlfriend.

    I wanted to see her again.  But Captain Kawaii had said the Balancers had
her in custody, so I had to talk to them...which was a problem, since they
hadn't left me a number or anything.  Hideously powerful cosmic entities,
you'd think they'd have a cell phone or something...

    And then I had this idea.  Maybe it was Koi...he did say he was my
intuitive side.  Or maybe it was just an idea.

    I took out the appointment book, and wrote "Matsuro Yoshiko and Kumiko" in
the space for 11AM today.

    I looked at the clock.  As luck would have it, it was almost--

    The door opened.

    "I'll be damned," I murmured.

    "Funny you should say that, Yoi," Yoshiko said grimly.

    And then I took a good look.  Yoshiko did not look happy.  In fact, she
looked like she had been running on about 4 hours of sleep a night, and she
hadn't bothered with makeup either.  Even Captain Kawaii (or Kumiko, since she
wasn't transformed) looked decidely less cheery than normal, as she closed the
door.

    Me and my big ideas.  I cleared my throat.  "Can I get you some coffee?"

=====

    "Things are looking bad, Yoi," Yoshiko said.

    "No kidding."

    "And it's mostly your fault."

    I stared.  "MY fault?"

    "Yes," she snapped.  "You sent Ultra back to Heaven before we were ready."

    Needless to say, I thought that was a pretty ungrateful thing to say.
"Hello!  YOU were the ones who pulled Ultra back to Heaven--we just lowered
his defenses, as I recall you explained it to me.  Or were you lying again?"

    Yoshiko rubbed her face and sighed.  "The point is, that everything--"

    "Wait," Kawaii broke in.  (I still couldn't think of her as 'Kumiko', even
untransformed.)  "What do you mean, 'lying again'?"

    Yoshiko looked back at her in annoyance, then blinked and looked back to
me.  "What *do* you mean, Yoi?"

    "Well..." I sat back in my chair.  "I had another visit from Ramsbottom."

    Yoshiko rolled her eyes and sent a 'well, *that* explains it' look at
Kawaii...who, oddly, just sort of frowned.  "And what did he tell you?"

    For some reason, I suddenly felt nervous.  "Well...first he said that he
was not, in fact, a leader of yoma."

    Yoshiko tapped her chin.  "I'm sure you remember the Dark Young, Yoi...do
they count as yoma?"

    I frowned.  "Well...they did seem different from 'average' yoma.  But
then, people seem to use 'yoma' to describe all sorts of monsters..."

    "There you are, then.  Ramsbottom and his 'associates' would definitely
not count as 'average' yoma."  She sniffed.

    "I see...I guess," I said.  "He did say he was...'above trifling with mere
shadows'..."  I blinked as Yoshiko started coughing.  "Are you all right?

    She ground out a chuckle, and shook her head.  "I'm okay, it's nothing.
...You were saying, Yoi?"

    "Well..."  I frowned.  "Hell, this is all too confusing.  How do I know
who I can believe?"

    Yoshiko seemed to consider.  "Well, Yoi...everything Ramsbottom tells you
is true...in a way.  As is everything we tell you.  I'm sure you realize by
now that we sometimes, well, lead you into thinking certain things...and
that's exactly what Ramsbottom does, as well.  He gives you information so you
can get all worked up about it and go out and do rash things."

    I looked at her, hard.  "So you're admitting that you've been manipulating
me."

    She sighed.  "Yoi...you have to understand that there's a whole lot more
to this than you realize.  When Ultra started on his plans, it twisted the
whole fabric of events.  We had people coming back from the dead!  Do you
realize what that does to the world?  A little wrongness causes other things
to go wrong, which makes other things happen, and before you know it the End
with a capital Screwed is upon us.  ...Anyway, Yog-Sothoth formed the
Balancers--"

    "Yog *what*?"

    Yoshiko raised an eyebrow at me.  "Appears to human eyes as a large mass
of multicolored globes.  Perhaps you remember."

    I flashed back to my meeting with the Balancers.  "Oh, *that*..."

    "You can think of Yog-Sothoth as time and space, personified.  He doesn't
want the Earth's history to get screwed up...and it looks like it may be,
soon."

    "I see," I muttered.

    "As I was saying, the Balancers were originally formed to keep Ultra from
doing things to the world.  Now that he's gone, most of the members are sort
of drifting away, even though things are getting worse.  I mean, you're the
third Nameless to pop up in as many months--"

    The hell?  "Wait, the third *what*?"

    "Nameless," Yoshiko said, slumping in her chair.  "Sort of a misnomer in
your case, but you still count as one."  She ran her hand through her hair.
"I've been pulling a lot of all-nighters trying to straighten all this out..."

    This was kinda weirding me out.  "What the hell do you mean?  I'm not
nameless..."

    "Oh no?"  She smiled grimly.  "Who are you?"

    "Kurasaka Yoi, of course!"

    "That's not what your driver's license says."

    "That's a TYPO!" I yelled.

    Suddenly Yoshiko was glaring at me, intensely.  "No, Yoi, it isn't.  Don't
you remember when Ramsbottom thought you were Koi?  He's a powerful being.
You never would have fooled him like that unless, or some level, your name
*was* Koi."  She leaned back in her chair again.  "The point is, you're in the
position of being able to destroy the entire future of the world, and we can't
really stop you."

    I digested this for a while.  "Unless you somehow force me to play by the
rules."

    Yoshiko shrugged.  Kawaii still looked uncomfortable, for some reason.

    I leaned forward, and thought hard.  "So...you're telling me all this in
the hope that it will make me more kindly disposed to you."

    "Or maybe that it'll guilt you into not screwing the world over."

    "Okay," I said, "Give me Aika back."  I was watching closely, and saw
Yoshiko send an annoyed look at Kawaii, whose face was emotionless.  Then she
turned back to me with a grim look.

    "So you're not going to," I said.  "Not surprising, in retrospect."

    "We lost her, Yoi."

    I stared.  "You don't mean...she..."

    "Someone broke in and kidnapped her.  We don't know where she is.
...She's fully healed, though, and still alive as far as we know."

    I wiped my brow.  "You scared me there, for a moment...but what do you
mean, someone *kidnapped* her?  Who?  Why?"

    "We don't really know.  It might have been Ramsbottom...then again, it
might not.  ...I'm sorry, Yoi."

    I slumped in my chair.  "Hell..."

    Yoshiko leaned forward.  "We're trying to get her back, Yoi..."

    "I don't want to hear it."

    She leaned back, and frowned.  "...Is there anything else you want to
know?"

    I ran my hand through my hair, and tried to calm down.  It was obvious
Aika was still alive, right?  Because if whoever it was had wanted her dead,
they'd have killed her.  ...Just keep thinking that...

    "Okay," I said.  "Uh...what about these weapons of, uh, Order and Chaos?"

    "Sorry, Yoi, that wasn't my idea.  Someone likes drama."

    I frowned.  "That's not a very good answer."

    She shrugged.

    "Hell."  I thought some more.  "Ramsbottom said...I would be forced to use
one or the other."

    "You don't *have* to do anything, Yoi," Yoshiko said carefully.  "He might
try to manipulate you into using one of the weapons...but that's all he can
do."

    "You didn't use them during the fight with Lobrite, Yoi," Kawaii put in.

    Well, that was true.  On the one hand, it was reassuring to know I didn't
have to do anything I didn't want to.  On the other hand, it meant that
Ramsbottom (and probably the Balancers as well) would be manipulating things
so I'd be in situations where I'd have to use nasty weapons.  That was *not*
very reassuring.

    Unfortunately, it was too late to get an accounting degree now.

    "And on the subject of order and chaos," I said, remembering, "Ramsbottom
said I was changed into a woman because women were more oriented toward
order."

    Yoshiko shrugged again.  "True, but with someone in your position, it
really doesn't matter what gender you are."

    I frowned.  "So I really am the 'Random'?  Or, wait, that was Ramsbottom's
henchman that told me that..."

    "Yoi, destiny is *very* hard to understand.  Any metaphor you can think of
will have some holes in it.  The one thing you need to know is that you are in
the position of being able to have a lot of effect on the world, in certain
ways."  She rubbed her eyes.  "Now...is there anything else?"

    "...I don't suppose you have any *good* news?"

    Yoshiko sort of chuckled.  "Well, actually there is one thing.  You did
so much damage to Shub-Niggurath's cult that I don't think she'll be bothering
you again for a while.  She's got other things on her mind now."

    I smiled ruefully.  "Gee, how reassuring."

    Yoshiko stood up.  "Yoi, are you going to be doing that attack on
UniOptics like you'd planned?"

    "Well, we gotta keep up our reputation as badasses that don't like being
double-crossed."

    She smiled.  "I'll leave Kumiko here with you, then.  See you later."  She
walked out, before I realized I should protest.

    I sighed, and looked at Kawaii.  She smiled, in an oddly...quiet sort of
way.  She started to say something, but right then there was a knock at the
door.  "Come in," I called, and the door opened to reveal...

    "Hey there, Yoi," Keikaku said with a smile, closing the door behind him.
He was dressed casually, which for him was a black shirt, black pants, black
sneakers and black...gloves?  And a black case of some kind.

    "Keikaku...hi."  I couldn't decide whether to be mad at him or not...our
last conversation had been pretty heated.  Finally I decided to be nice.
...It was my fault for getting mad that time, after all.

    "I'm sorry about that last time, man," I said.

    He shrugged and smiled.  "Actually, you sort of had a good point..."  I
saw him glance at Kawaii, who was looking back at him warily.  He cleared his
throat.  "Anyway...I was told you might being going to UniOptics."

    "Yeah, I think so," I said.  "You must know why, then...aside from getting
our revenge."  He nodded.  "Think it'll work?"

    "Well..."  Keikaku put the case on my desk and started pacing.  I noticed
a few technical-looking things on one side and realized it was a portable
computer.  "It should work," he said slowly.  "I managed to get into some
UniOptics systems, and found some...blueprints, I guess you could call them.
From what I can tell, it's a good idea...and even if it isn't, it's easily
reversible."

    "Well, that is good news.  ...Wait, if you have the blueprints, can you do
it now, maybe?'

    He shook his head.  "Actually creating a 'kamen' requires rather special,
custom-built equipment."

    "So you're saying we need to go there, to do it."

    "That's right.  However, the reverse process is easy; we could do it at my
shop, if it becomes necessary."

    I rubbed my chin, and scowled at the lack of stubble.  "Well, that's
slightly better than we figured it would be."  I looked up at him.  "You going
to be coming along?"

    Keikaku grinned ruefully.  "Nah, I learned my lesson last time."  He
looked down at his right hand, and flexed it...only three of the fingers
moved.  That explained the gloves.  (All right, so I'm an insensitive bastard
for not catching on to that earlier, so sue me.)  "In fact...that's why I
brought you this!"  He opened the computer and a little speaker said
"Irasshai!".

    "Keikaku...I'm no good with computers," I said, slightly embarrassed.

    "No problem," he beamed.  "Not only is it almost entirely controlled from
my office...there's this!"  He pulled what appeared to be a phone receiver
from the side, eliciting the distinctive *rip* of velcro.  "Need any help,
I'll be on the other end during the whole thing."

    I considered.  "So you're saying we should bring this thing into the
UniOptics compound...what's it called?"

    "I think they call it the Lolita Complex," he averred.

    "Yeah, we bring it in there and call you up, and you tell us what to hook
up where, and then take care of the rest from your end.  Is that it?"

    "That's right.  It's got a camera too!  See?"  He pointed a tiny video
camera at me.

    I resisted the urge to sweatdrop.  "Right...that actually sounds pretty
doable.  And while we do this, we get to blow up a bunch of magical girls and
stuff too."

    Keikaku shrugged.  "Well, if you say so."

    I leaned back and smiled.  This might actually turn out okay after all.
Right then, the phone rang.

    I picked it up.  "Magical Girl Hunters."

    "Yoi!" a familiar voice hissed.  "I'm up to two million!  You'd better
start getting ready to take down the Sailor Shoggoths!"

    There was a click, and then a dial tone.

    I was trying very hard not to believe in foreshadowing.

=====

    Itami edged the car around a corner, and the buildings came into view.

    "There it is," I said, "Take a good look."  We all swiveled our heads to
watch as we drove by...except Itami, of course.  Our target was a set of squat
buildings, their outlines hard to make out in the moonless night.  (Sleep is
for amateurs.)

    "Doesn't look like much," H noted.

    "They must have taken down their 'Magical Girls While U Wait' sign," I
said.  H snorted, and I grinned to myself.

    Itami pulled up in a well-lighted lot behind the building, and a
rent-a-cop noticed us and started to run over.

    "And so it begins," Kawaii said in this weird voice, which kinda spooked
me.  Everyone pulled out their weapons, but suddenly I had an inspiration.

    "Hold it," I said, "I wanna have some fun with this guy.  Everyone stay
in the car."  I got out and put on a stern face for the guard.

    The security guard stopped in front of me and panted for a bit.  He
probably needed more exercise.  "You," he finally managed, "can't park here."

    "Young man," I said sternly (even though he was about my age), "I want to
register a *complaint*!"

    He looked at me oddly.  "Uh, we're closed--"

    "Never mind that, my good man," I proclaimed, poking him in the chest.  "I
want to complain about these magical girls which I purchased here, not half...
er, earlier today."

    He stared at me.  "...Er...what seems to be the trouble, then, sir?"

    "Well, first there's Kumiko.  Kumiko!  Come out here!"  I clapped my hands
and Kawaii opened the door, and smiled at the guard.

    "Uh...what's wrong with her?"

    "I'll tell you what's wrong with her," I said, sneering at the guard.
"She's too *violent*!"  (Yeah, I know, but it wouldn't have made any sense to
*him*.)

    The guard blinked a few times.  "But...she's so cute."

    "The cuteness don't enter into it!  She's PSYCHOTIC!"

    "Let's play a game," Kawaii said in her sweetest voice.  "It's called...
Mercy.  The first person to ask for mercy loses...something."

    The guard looked pretty scared at this point.  Hell, I was pretty creeped
out myself...but I wasn't finished.  "And then there's Kasumi.  Kasumi, come
on out."

    Kawaii moved to the side a bit, and H slithered out of the car.  I saw the
guard's face get rather red...and then extraordinarily pale when H uncoiled
her whip.

    "As you can see, she has some issues," I said conversationally.

    "Have you been a bad boy?" H purred.  She cracked her whip.

    I turned back to the guard, only to find that he was about a dozen meters
away and still accelerating...I supposed that meant he wasn't into S&M.  I
grinned at H and Kawaii.  "Good work, ladies."

    "Yoi..."  Then I noticed that H was glaring at me.  "You used my name,"
she growled.

    "Er...yeah, but..."  I stepped back as H advanced, but then Itami put his
hand on her shoulder.  She scowled back at him.

    "Not important," he said.  "Come on."  Itami pulled H gently toward the
building.  She threw one last glare at me, and then followed Itami's lead.

    "That was fun, Yoi," Kawaii said, beaming.

    I chuckled.  "Yeah, I guess it was.  Who says you can't have fun at work?"

=====

    We found the building which Keikaku had said housed the equipment we
wanted, and broke in.  Fortunately, the lock took Visa.  I passed out some
flashlights (if you've ever wondered why I wear a trenchcoat, it's because of
all the handy pockets you can sew in), and we commenced being stealthy.

    "I hope this is it," I muttered.  "I don't want to have to search the
entire Lolita Complex.  ...What the hell's so funny, H?"

    "You don't know much English, do you, Yoi?" she giggled.

    I rolled my eyes.  "Thank you so much for bringing up my academic
performance.  Just the thing to make me feel secure and confident."

    "It's okay Yoi, I didn't do well in school either," Kawaii stage-
whispered.

    "Yeah, that's definitely reassuring.  Why don't you take point, Kawaii?"

    "Yoi," Itami whispered.

    "Yeah?"

    "Turn right."

    "Oh, yeah."

    We crept into a large room...it seemed sort of like a factory floor.
Various machines were scattered about, lights and readouts casting a dim
illumination.  I idly waved my flashlight beam around...computer, wall,
computer, cables, stair, incomprehensible machine, chair, fuku...

    Oh shit, I thought.

    The lights burst on, nearly blinding us...while at the same time maniacal
laughter rang out, nearly deafening us.

    I dived back behind what I hoped I remembered as a rack of equipment, and
blinked for a while.  When my vision cleared, I saw that I had indeed managed
to hide behind something sturdy.  Itami and H had jumped the other way, and
were hiding behind a computer station a ways across the room.  There was no
sign of Captain Kawaii.

    I peered out from behind the left edge of the whatever-it-was, and saw
Lobrite standing on a concrete landing.  He was holding on the railing and
laughing his head off.  Surrounding him were fully a dozen magical girls...and
half a dozen of what had to be kamen.

    Yes, things were now certainly one hundred percent not going according to
plan.

=====

    Actually, this situation wasn't all that bad.  Lobrite hadn't bothered to
hit us while we were blinded by light, which was pretty stupid...or maybe just
arrogant.  Anyway, we were now behind cover, which was a good thing.  Kawaii,
wherever she'd gotten to, was on her own, but that suited me just fine.  I
slid Keikaku's computer under the machine I was hiding behind, since it looked
sturdy enough to absorb some damage.

    "Magical Girl Hunters!"  Lobrite called.  "You are outnumbered, and on our
turf!  You should surrender!"

    I caught Itami's eye and made a sort of 'X' gesture.  He nodded and got
his submachine gun out, as did I.

    "My magical girls and kamen are undefeatable!"  Lobrite continued.  "You
cannot stand against the might of UniOptics..."

    While he droned, I held up three fingers to Itami, then counted down.  At
zero we poked our heads out and let fly a good dozen bullets each.  We aimed
at the opposite corners, to keep the firing angles from being awkward.

    I pulled back and took stock.  I distinctly remembered seeing at least two
magical girls and a kamen go down in my field of view, and estimated Itami had
tagged at least two more.  Lobrite was probably still wearing that bulletproof
suit, so we hadn't bothered to waste any shots on him.  Apparently our little
preemptive attack had taken him by surprise, because I could hear his "Wha,
wha, wha?" over the panicked screams of magical girls.

    About that time my instincts informed me that staying still was a good way
to die in my line of work, so I ducked to the opposite side of the big metal
box--and came face to face with a blue fuku.  Reflex pulled my gun up to send
three bullets at her head, two of the connecting.  It's counterintuitive, but
when you shoot someone in the head, the jet spray of gray matter pushes them
*toward* the direction of the shot.  Amazing what scientific information you
can find in gun magazines...anyway, I got to witness this phenomenon firsthand
yet again, as the formerly living magical girl pitched toward me.  I pushed
her to the side (accidentally wasting another bullet in her chest as I did
so...that sort of thing always makes me kick myself), and noticed a kamen
standing about a meter in front of me.  He seemed to be wearing a silver
tuxedo and cape, with a somehow ordinary-looking mask completing the ensemble.

    "You killed Natsumi-san," he proclaimed in a deep, yet somehow nervous
voice.  "And Meimi-chan and Atsuko-san and...anyway, you must be punished!"
He managed to dive back toward where he'd come from centimeters ahead of a few
nine millimeter slugs.  Suddenly two more magical girls appeared, holding
brightly glowing wands.

    Another thing you may have gathered from my little tales is that going toe
to toe with magical girls is a Bad Idea.  The two new girls (orange and puce
fuku respectively) were blocking the door on my side of the room, so the only
escape was back to the big piece of technology I'd hidden the computer under.
That would put me back in the field of fire of Lobrite and the rest of his
crew...but if Itami and H had been doing as well as I had, that just might be
survivable.

    I ducked back behind the equipment.  I couldn't see any sign of Itami and
H from this vantage, so I risked a glance past the edge of my cover.  Lobrite
was still on that landing; fortunately he was facing away from me.  He was
yelling something; I hoped that meant Itami and H were giving his crew trouble
on that side of the room.  Two magical girls were flanking him like guards,
along with...Captain Kawaii?

    I almost decided to give up right there, thinking she had betrayed us...
but bless her psychotic little heart, she took the head off one girl with a
big rainbow zap, and was beating the other with her wand before Lobrite could
turn all the way around.

    When he did, however, he did not look happy.  "YOU!" he yelled.  "The
TRAITOR to the cause of Ultra!"  Almost without thinking I squeezed off a
couple of shots, and his head snapped back.  Kawaii then took the opportunity
to blast him at point blank range.  Unfortunately, his suit didn't seem to be
the only thing that was bulletproof, since he turned to glare at me.  Actually
"glare" is the wrong word...what's the facial equivalent of a scream?...

    Anyway, he was pissed, but all he did was yell "Retreat, my faithful
servants!" and vanish.  I exhaled, and noticed Kawaii waving cheerily at me.
It was then that I realized I'd actually saved her life.  Can you blame me for
not knowing how to feel about that?...

    After that I hooked up with Itami and H, and we went around for cleanup.
It was pretty easy, since everyone we hadn't killed in the initial rush or two
seemed to have fled.

    With one exception.  We found a girl in a lavender fuku huddled behind yet
another incomprehensible piece of equipment.  She looked to be about Aika's
age, and was crying.

    I blinked.  "Uh..."  Smooth-talkin' Yoi saves the day again, eh.  Luckily,
Sailor H stepped forward, and kneeled down to talk to the girl.

    "Hello?" she said quietly.

    "OhnoI'msorryohgodnopleaseI'msorrypleasedon'tKILLME!" the girl shrieked.

    "Now, no one here wants to hurt you," H said soothingly.

    Itami and I exchanged glances.  Kawaii tried to get in on the exchange,
but we ignored her.

    "OhgodI'msorry...no..."  The girl's sobbing wound down a bit.  "I didn't
mean...I mean...I didn't want to be a magical girl!  I swear!  They all wanted
to...they wanted to save people and be famous...and...and..."  Her face
screwed up.

    "You shouldn't try to become a magical girl unless you really know what it
entails," H said sternly.

    "Iknowohgod...I don't...Idon'twannabeamagicalgirl!"  She looked up at H
pleadingly.  "I don't!  Idon'tIdon'tIdon'tIdon'tI--"

    "I understand," H said firmly.  The girl quieted down.  "...Did you know
that if you break your transformation wand, you'll stop being a magical girl?"

    The girl stared at H, then fumbled clumsily in her fuku.  After a lot of
shaking, she finally got out her wand, and proceeded to beat it against the
floor.  Suddenly it broke, and there was a flash of light...

    When it cleared, the girl was...just a girl.  In casual clothes.  H put
her hand on the girl's shoulder.  "Now...you should go home, before you get
hurt."

    The former magical girl got unsteadily to her feet.  "O...okay.  I...okay.
I will."  She managed a bow.  "Th, thank you, oneesan."  With that, she ran
from the room.

    Upon seeing H's expression I decided to forego the pleasure of smirking,
but she glared at me anyway.  "She reminds me a little of me, okay?" she
snapped.

    I held up my hands.  "I did not say a thing."

    "Yoi," Itami said.

    "Yeah?"

    "This is the room."

    I looked around.  "It is?...Well, great!  Let's get started.  Come on,
Kawaii."  I motioned to Kawaii, who seemed oddly quiet, and walked back toward
where I'd hidden the computer.

=====

    "Damn...you guys are *brutal*."

    "Just find it," I growled into the receiver, turning to let the camera get
a full view of the body-strewn room.

    "Hmmm...hey, wait.  Go back a bit.  A bit more...no, too far.  Yeah!
Right there, go forward.  Forward..."

    Guided by Keikaku's directions, I walked over to the computer station
Itami and H had been hiding behind a few short minutes ago.  "This is it?"

    "Yep!" the cheery voice in my ear said.  "Set 'er down and plug 'er in!"

    After a few minutes of fiddling with cables and plugs (I told you I was no
good with computers), I got the laptop hooked into the UniOptics network, and
let it hum away.  The boredom, combined with the nervousness I was feeling
over the possibility of actually getting to be a man again, started to really
wear on my nerves.  To take my mind off things, I looked around at my
companions.  Itami was sitting nearby with H in his lap, neither paying any
attention to me (big surprise there).  I turned to Kawaii, and saw that she
was already looking at me.  She smiled, and I smiled back a bit nervously...

    "Yoi?"

    I pulled my attention back to the phone.  "Yeah?"

    "Uh...you're kind of in luck.  See, there's a kamen package already loaded
in and ready to go...seems like a spare, or maybe they took it off someone
recently or something.  So that's fine, but there's...well, it's not exactly a
problem, but..."

    Somehow I was not surprised.  "Spit it out, Keikaku."

    A sigh came over the phone.  "Hang on a sec...hello?  Hello?"  Suddenly
his voice was coming from the computer's speaker as well.

    "Yeah, we can hear you, man," I said.

    "That's great, Yoi.  Actually there's a microphone in the computer too, so
you can go ahead and hang up the receiver if you want.  Anyway...the thing
is...kamen are there to protect magical girls.  And so..."

    I suddenly had a sinking feeling.  "And so I have to have some magical
girl to protect, in order to become one?"

    "I'll be happy to, Yoi!" Kawaii beamed.

    I looked at her.  Then I looked at H.  She glared at me.  I put on a
pleading face.

    "Yoi...don't you want me around?" Kawaii asked softly.

    "This is actually something of a moot point," Keikaku's voice put in.

    "Oh?" I replied, the sinking feeling increasing.

    "Yeah...well...for this system, and I don't think we'll find anther set up
so well...you need three magical girls."

    I blinked.  "But...there's only H and Kawaii.  ...I'm screwed."

    "Not necessarily," Keikaku continued.  "If you have an arcane connection
to another magical girl, I can have you link to her as well."

    "And an arcane connection is..."

    "Well, an arcane connection to someone is usually something important to
them, something they used for a long time...something that's connected to
them.  Actually it can be other things, but that's all that really applies in
this situation..."

    I recognized Keikaku starting to lecture, and tuned him out.  If what he
said was true...

    "I think I have something like that, Keikaku," I said.  "Is there any way
to test it?"

    "And sometimes...what?  Oh, you want to test for an arcane connection?
Yeah, no problem.  Go over to the machine to the left..."  After some
direction, I found a bit of machinery with three small platforms...then I
pulled out Aika's gun, and set it down on one of them.

    Lights blinked, fans whirred softly, and a fuzzy image of Aika appeared on
one of the screens.

    "Good job, Yoi!" Keikaku enthused.  "That'll work fine...for one of them."

    Captain Kawaii bounced over and put her hand on one of the other
platforms.  An image of her appeared on another screen.

    Praying that I wasn't making the biggest mistake of my life to date, I
turned to look at Sailor H.  She scowled.  I made sad puppy eyes.  The silence
stretched out...

    Finally she broke.  "All RIGHT!", she yelled, standing up from Itami's
lap and stomping over to the last platform.  The last screens lit up, and a
low hum began to build.

    "That's it, Yoi," Keikaku said, his voice sounding oddly somber.  "Get on
that big platform over there..."

    I turned around and saw a large piece of machinery, whose shape
practically screamed out that its purpose was to bombard people standing on
the platform with unmentionable scientific things.

    ...But I walked onot the platform.  It was the best chance I had...I hoped
it wasn't the wrong one.

    And suddenly the world changed...

=====

    Now, before I go on, you have to understand something.  Turning into a
kamen made me...not myself.  I'm going to try and be as honest as possible
about what I was feeling, and what I...did, but it will...seem strange.  I
just wanted to let you know...that it wasn't really my fault!

    I stepped off of the platform and surveyed the room through my new mask.
"I am Trenchcoat Kamen," I intoned, "Protector of Bad Girls."  I blinked, and
noticed everyone looking at me.  Itami was looking more astonished than I'd
ever seen him (which was, admittedly, not much), Sailor H had an 'I knew this
was a bad idea' look, and Captain Kawaii...Captain Kawaii's eyes were
positively sparkly.

    I tried to get my thoughts in order, but all sorts of weird feelings kept
getting in the way.  I really *was* the Protector of Bad Girls...I wanted to
defend H, Kawaii and Aika (wherever she was), and keep them safe.  At the
time, I retained just enough of myself to wonder if this was something to be
worried about; looking back, I realize that it quite definitely was.

    "Uh..." I tried to get my thoughts in order yet again.  "I...am Trenchcoat
Kamen.  ...I guess.  ...Whatever that means."  I frowned.  "What's going on
again?"

    "Yoi," Captain Kawaii squealed, "You're a MAN again!"

    I blinked.  Come to think of it, that was the reason I'd gone through all
this.  I felt my chest.  "Hey...I'm back!"  Just to be sure, I checked a bit
lower.  "Hey, I'm BACK!"

    "Wai!  Can I try too, Yoi?" Kawaii exclaimed.

    That derailed my thoughts yet again.  I gave up and stopped fighting the
kamen for a while.  "There is no time," I proclaimed.  "Lobrite will be back
soon, and we have caused enough damage for one night.  For now, we must be
off!"  I swirled my trenchcoat like a cape.

    Captain Kawaii looked like she was about to swoon, but recovered.  "It's
okay, Yoi, we can take care of him!" she enthused.

    I waggled a finger.  "Now, now, brave as you are, it's not a good thing to
lie," I said in a deep voice.  "You know your kawaii energy will have no
effect on Lobrite.  There's no need for you to boast to us...we all love you
as you are!"  This time she really did swoon.

    H, who had been watching like she didn't know whether to laugh or call the
nice young men in their clean white coats, suddenly stepped forward with her
eyes narrowed.  "Yoi...I mean, Trenchcoat Kamen..."

    "Yes, dear Sailor H?" I said grandly.

    Her face twitched oddly.  "...Uh...I was wondering, did you see my, er,
spiked bracelet?  I think I lost it."

    I blinked at her.  "I do not understand, Sailor H," I replied.  "Why are
you asking me this when you know, it is not true?"

    "Oh...just curious," she murmured.

    I shrugged.  "But we should definitely be leaving.  After all, she who
fights and runs away, lives and fights another day!"

    "Yoi," Itami said.

    "Trenchcoat Kamen!"

    "Yoi, change back."

    "...what?"

    "You can change back, right?  Do it."

    I scoffed.  "What possible reason--"

    "*Do it*."

    I caught sight of Itami's expression, and somehow my kamen persona backed
off.  I swallowed, then muttered a few words, and...

    The world changed again.

    I blinked.  My thoughts slowly reordered themselves.  With growing horror,
I realized exactly what I had been doing.

    "Yoi," Itami said.

    "...what?"

    "I'm sorry."  He really did look sorry.

    I blinked...and then looked down.  They were back.

    "GODDAMMIT!!!"

=====

    We sneaked through the halls.  I was so depressed I didn't even stop
Kawaii from hanging onto my arm.  But then, I might have cried on the shoulder
of Shub-Niggurath herself, if she happened to say "there, there".

    Suddenly Kawaii yanked me into another room and closed the door.  I
blinked.  I had the strangest feeling of deja vu...

    Footsteps pounded outside.

    I stared at Kawaii.  "Itami and H!" I hissed.

    "They can take care of themselves," she whispered back.  "Anyway, they
went the other way, before I could react."  I must have looked doubtful,
because she said, "They told me to take you in here.  Don't you remember?"

    "...Well...no."

    "Because you're so depressed.  But it's okay, Yoi, I can protect you.  We
can protect each other..."

    She reached out to my face, but I glared and turned my back on her.  The
truth was, I had some sort of lingering kamen power, because I could sense her
emotions...and more emotion was the last thing I needed at the moment.

    I looked around the room.  Dark, but not totally; someone had left a light
on in the far corner.  The shapes reminded me of a chemistry classrom from
high school.

    "Yoi..."

    "What?" I snapped.

    "I have something important to tell you."

    "Just what I needed to hear."

    "I'm leaving the Balancers."

    That was definitely not what I'd expected.  I decided to turn around and
listen.  Captain Kawaii looked uncharacteristically serious.

    "Why?" I asked after a moment.

    She looked grim.  "They wanted me to...do things with Aika."

    I stared.  "...They *what*?"

    "They wanted me to seduce you, Yoi.  I didn't really mind that...but then
they wanted me to teach Aika to seduce you.  And that wasn't something I could
handle."

    I know it's a cliche, but this was one of *those* days.  One of thsoe days
where reality kicks you in the nuts on a regular basis.  ...Not that that
really applied to me anymore.  Damn, I was screwed up.

    But I digress.  After I had sort of digested those last bits of
information, I managed to stammer out, "But...but *why*?"

    "Isn't it obvious, Yoi?"

    I whipped my thoughts back into some semblance of order, and tried to
think.  "...To control me."

    She nodded.

    "...And you're leaving them over that?"

    "You're the only person I care about, Yoi.  The *only* person.  Not
Yoshiko, not the Balancers, not your partner and his girlfriend, and certainly
not Aika.  And not even myself either.  It wouldn't matter if we all die and
rot.  But you, Yoi..."  She was speaking calmly, but her emotion beat against
me like heat from a bonfire.  "Yoi, you're the only person I ever think about
anymore.  I want to stay with you."

    I had no idea what to say.  And Koi saw that as an opportunity.

    "If Aika died, I would be even more depressed than I am now," he/I said.
"Would you care then?"

    She blinked...and tears ran down her face.  "Yoi..."

    Suddenly a phone rang.

    I looked down and was rather surprised to find Keikaku's computer resting
nearby.  Kawaii must have grabbed it, because I certainly didn't remember
doing so.  I picked up the phone.

    "Yeah?"

    "Yoi?  You okay?"

    "That depends on your definition of 'okay'."

    "How about 'Not in any immediate physical danger'?"

    I glanced around the room, and at the silently crying Kawaii.  "Yeah, I
guess so."

    "Good.  Can you open up the computer?  I need to talk to you about
something important."

    Uhoh.

    I put the computer on a table and opened it up, and was greeted by
Keikaku's...unusually serious face.  "I didn't know your computer could do
this," I said into the phone.

    "Yeah, it's top of the line," he affirmed, the picture nearly keeping pace
with the voice from the receiver.  "If it's okay with you, I'm not using the
speaker...I just want to talk to you, not whoever else is there."

    "Fine with me.  So what's up?"

    He sighed.  "Yoi...this is hard to say..."

    "Whatever it is, I doubt I can be any more depressed.  Spit it out."

    "You remember Reika, don't you?"

    "No, I totally FORGOT that my first real girlfriend turned into--"

    "Okay, okay!...sorry.  The point is...I was thinking that maybe...not
everything she did was of her own free will.  Like, if you separated all the
Shub-Niggurath stuff from her and asked her to choose, she would have been
happy living with you and being normal."

    I rubbed my eyes.  "I try not to think like that."

    "Yeah, I understand.  But you see...Reika's soul, wherever she is, is
almost certainly devoid of any influence from any Outer Gods.  She's probably
just her."

    "Yeah, so what?"  I started to feel that tickle in my mind that meant Koi
was trying to tell me something...

    "So...remember how Kyo and Mai said reality was like a giant computer
system?"

    I was starting to get a bad feeling about this.  "Yeah..."

    "And I just completed a successful hacking run on some very powerful magic
computers...I had to, to do the kamen thing."

    Oh shit, I thought.

    "Keikaku...you don't mean..."

    And then he smiled, which *really* scared me.  "I see you understand,
Yoi."

    "But what about..." I glanced at Kawaii, and glanced back.  "What about
the Balancers?"

    "Ah, well you see, Yoi...they taught me that I really can affect the world
directly, if I try.  I suppose they might not approve, but..."

    "Approve?  Keikaku, this is INSANE!  This was how the whole thing started,
remember?  Kyo and Mai and their mother, big angel going insane?  Huge column
of light that almost destroyed the world?  I thought I could count on you, at
least, to be sane!"

    "Yoi, I've thought about all that...and about lots of other problems you
haven't even named."  He smiled that smile again.  "But I have to know.  I
guess I didn't get over her after all...Anyway, take care."

    He waved, and the screen went dead.

    Captain Kawaii walked up to me.  "What was that all about, Yoi?..."

    I stared at the computer.  "The whole thing...all over again."

    "...Huh?"

    "Well..."  Suddenly I froze, and replayed that last bit in my mind.

    Keikaku had waved...into a camera, so an unreversed image...with his right
hand.  No glove...five fingers.

    Oh shit, I thought.

    And if *that* wasn't enough...there was a sudden flash of light in the
center of the room.  I turned, but my kamen sense was already telling me what
I'd see.

    Aika.  And a woman in a blue jumpsuit.

    Aika snarled.  I could feel her hate from here...and I felt a noticeable
absence of rational thought.

    And she was positively brimming over with magical power.

    Oh...........................................................shit.

=====

Next time, on Magical Girl Hunters #24!  Violence!  Sex!  Intrigue!  Magical
Girls!  Furniture!...wait, wrong series.  Anyway, it should hopefully be cool.

Thanks go to Philip Vincent Barkow for a sort of pre-pre-reading.  Thanks,
Philip!  Thanks also go to Epsilon for sharing his insights on MGH one night
on IRC.  ...Although I probably twisted his ideas beyond recognition, so if
you don't like this part, don't blame him.  And special thanks go to, of
course, all the authors of previous MGH chapters, whose best stuff I
shamelessly ripped off throughout the chapter.

Well, so ends my last MGH chapter for quite a while.  What do you think, guys?
Cover: Nothing, all nothing, and only nothing...
Vedic: (sigh)
TM: Did you know that seeing whether text changes is actually the best way to
tell if you're in a dream?
Ki: And does Yoi remind anyone else of Marcus from the Bright Dream/Dark Dream
stories in the In Nomine rulebook?
TM: Not to mention that all the stuff about shooting someone in the head is
really true!
Bandolier: Yeah, real interesting. Come on, let's stop wasting their time.

Thank you.