She smiled and leaned in towards me. Her lips came near mine. I was still definitely unwilling to do anything else, but a kiss didn't sound that bad. Just a kiss. I could close my eyes and pretend I was a man. Contact. My arms went around Aika without me consciously willing them to, and our lips met. Our breasts were pushing against each other, but the sensation somehow... wasn't all that bad. Then she opened her mouth and slipped her tongue towards mine. All right, but this was definitely as far as it was going to go. Definitely. The kiss got deeper, and she felt warm in my arms. Finally it came to an end, and I pulled away, breathing heavily. Aika's face was flushed, and I'm sure mine was as well. We looked into each other's eyes. Then a voice called out. "Aika, what are you doing!" Aika's eyes widened, and she looked at something over my shoulder. She shouted, "Daddy!" Improfanfic presents... MAGICAL GIRL HUNTERS An Improfanfic created by Aaron Shattuck. Episode 28: Guns and Bunnies Written by NeoPuu Aika backed away until she was up against the wall, gaping in horror. I was hoping she'd give me a hand, straighten things out with her dad or something, but she just stood there going, "uh... uh... uh..." If anybody was going to get us out of this scrape, it would have to be me. I analyzed the situation: I was stuck as a woman, caught kissing a girl who wasn't quite legal, by dear old Papa Aika, to boot. (Christ, I didn't even know her last name.) He was pretty furious- a nice bright shade of red. This looked like the biggest test yet for the new me. New Yoi got the fuck outta Dodge. I don't mean that in the metaphorical, figurative sense. What I mean is, I hauled ass and got out of there fast- out of the parking lot, through some narrow alleys, and into another section of town. It's a good thing he was too shocked to do anything except stand there. Doubly good that he didn't have a shotgun- I didn't have anything except a knife at the time myself- uh, not that I would've liked a shootout with Aika's dad, either. I felt kind of bad about leaving Aika in the lurch like that, but it wouldn't have helped her any, staying there and confronting her dad. I mean, what could I do, go home and have dinner with her parents? Yeah, I could see it now... "So, Mr. Kurasaka, I understand you're interested in my daughter. What do you do for a living?" "I kill magical girls for money. Uh, not that I'm interested in your daughter for that reason. I'm not a pedophile either, really. Actually, I kill pedophiles occasionally in my line of work, upstanding citizen that I am..." Yeah, right. The best thing I could do, for Aika, and for myself, was to stay the hell out of the way. I felt a little guilty about leaving Aika alone like that, though, all alone with her dad. She was probably in for one hell of a grounding. I called Itami to let him know I'd just screwed up royally, then went back to my apartment. It was too dangerous to go back to the office just yet. I'd rather take on a gaggle of magical girls than face Aika's dad. I got a whispered call from her the next day- turned out that she told her dad a strange woman came up and grabbed her while she was heading back from school. Since I was between Aika and her dad, he didn't get a close look at what she was doing during the kiss, so the story wasn't completely implausible. That and her dad, like all parents, didn't want to believe that his sweet little daughter would be doing something that naughty. So Aika was off the hook, although I was in a hell of a lot more trouble than I would be if I'd stayed behind- now he thought I was a kidnapper or something. I fervently hoped that he didn't have a description to give to the police- yet another reason why I wanted to become male again. Aika couldn't drop by the office anytime soon- her parents were keeping a close eye on her, so she'd have to lay low for awhile. They were afraid another stranger would come snatch her away, so they put her on curfew. Of course, when we first met Aika, they didn't have a problem with her becoming a magical girl and fighting off the forces of darkness, or whatever. Go figure. After everything we'd been through, I figured it was time for a break. Just the two of us, out for a night on the town, no girls, no clients, no hassles. I picked up Itami at his place, and we walked into the center of town, looking for some action. Bars were definitely out- I didn't need some drunken idiot making a pass at me. Movies were also out of the question. The latest movie to hit the streets was the "Magical Love Love Mystery Tour", another one of those silly magical girl movies where the heroines face a new danger, sort of like all the other dangers, just more powerful. Then they get beat down for a while, until they rediscover the magic of teamwork, and defeat the bad guy, who decides that hey, maybe being good isn't so hard after all, and they all become friends. Whoop-dee-damn-doo. I didn't need a reminder of work right now, and I didn't need the hassle of sitting in a crowd of squealing prepubescent girls. I also didn't think that kind of movie was very realistic. In real life, a magical girl's big new foe was usually us, and 99.9 percent of the time, she wound up with an unhappy ending. So there we were, walking down main street on a Friday night without the slightest idea of where to go. We passed an adult bookstore, a pawn shop, an arcade, and finally we came to a theater where a magic show was currently playing. "The Astounding Harumi's Magic Show! Great times and fun for the whole family!" the sign said. I wasn't too impressed, but Itami wanted to check it out. Of course he didn't say as much, he just sort of walked a little slower as we passed the theater. "C'mon Itami, let's have a look." The theater was a classy affair- well-lit, comfy seats, climate controlled. We grabbed two seats near the back, so as not to attract too much attention. Given as how most of the audience was dressed up for the show, our trenchcoats got a few stares. Itami stared right back, which put an end to all the funny looks. The performing magician wasn't quite what we suspected. First, it was a girl, in her mid-teens, I'd say. Another thing was, she didn't have an assistant, although with the high-cut swimsuit-like bottom she wore, she could pass for her own, not that I noticed, of course. A top hat, the upper half of a tuxedo, and a cape completed her outfit. The lights dimmed, and everyone settled down to watch the show. The girl bowed. "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to perform amazing feats of magic for you tonight! Prepare to be astounded!" The magic tricks were pretty standard- birds flying around, handkerchiefs, sleight of hand, card tricks, the works. Her escape from a piranha tank while handcuffed, chained up, and straightjacketed was pretty good, though. I was nodding off by the time she got to the disappearing act. That's when things picked up. "May I please have a volunteer for my next trick?" she asked. She scanned the crowd, looking for an eager audience member to help her out. When she got to Itami, a flicker of emotion passed over her face, then vanished. "Ah, that gentleman over there looks like he wants to help!" The girl marched up the aisle, made her way over to us, pinched Itami on the cheek, and bodily dragged him down to the stage. Itami let out a grunt as he left his seat. Funny, I never thought he'd be the volunteering type. She got back up on stage, still dragging Itami behind her, stopping next to a big black cabinet. I'd heard of this trick before- the assistant gets in the box, the magician does some mumbo jumbo, opens the box, and the person is gone. Hurray. The girl held up Itami's hand and waved to the crowd with it. "Let's have a big hand for Mister..." "uh, what's your name?" she stage-whispered. Itami said nothing, just stood there staring into space, his usual non-cooperative self. "...Mister... Sunshine!" The audience laughed and applauded heartily. That got a glare out of Itami. The girl pushed him into the box with a big shove, slammed it shut, spun it around a few times, and waved her magic wand. "Magic Box, make Mister Sunshine go to a happy place!" she cried. Ugh. I wanted to go back to my happy place- the office, or my apartment. Anywhere but here. Sure enough, when she opened the box again, it was empty. The crowd applauded warmly. I waited for her to bring Itami back, but she just moved on to the next trick. Great. I was hoping to grab Itami and blow this boring joint, but now I'd have to wait until he came out of hiding. If our positions were reversed, I'd pop out of whatever stupid secret compartment I was in, even if it meant ruining the trick, but Itami would probably just sit there until something happened. I went for a stroll outside to clear my head and wait for the show to end. Sure enough, a half hour later, people started filing out of the theater. After it completely emptied out, I went back inside. The girl magician was still up on stage, cleaning up her props. I walked up to her and tapped her on the shoulder. "Excuse me miss, can I have my friend back now?" I said. "It's getting late, I wanna go home." She turned around, and after a few seconds, she recognized me from the show. A look of intense sadness crept over her face, the kind of look that said, "I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you, your wife walked out on you, you lost your job, your dog died, you only have six months to live, and you're ugly too." "I'm sorry ma'am," she said, clasping my hands. "Your date can't go home with you. The man's a cold-blooded killer. He's been lying to you all this time..." Date? What the hell? Aww shit, I'd managed to forget I was a woman for a little while, and now someone had to go and remind me in the worst possible way. The thought of Itami and I as a couple was enough to make me toss my cookies. Wait... she said something else- she knew who Itami was? "Yeah, so?" I replied. It wasn't the brightest thing to say, but I was too pissed off about the date comment to care. The girl looked at me like I was the devil in a trenchcoat, suddenly suspicious. She backed away a few steps, then reached into a pocket, feeling around. At the same time, I felt something poking around in my own pockets. Then she pulled out a wallet. Hey, that was my wallet! "Gimme my wallet back, you little thief!" I grabbed for my wallet, but she skipped away, poking through the contents. Finally, she stopped running around long enough for me to grab my wallet back. Then she just stood there, staring at me in horror, like I was some kind of sideshow freak. "It's you..." she whispered. "The other killer..." That's when it hit me. How she recognized Itami, why she chose him as an assistant, how she managed to get him out of his seat, why he didn't come back. It was obvious now, but I didn't think of it earlier; she didn't give off any of the usual signs... I pulled my new .22 out of my ankle holster. The first shot missed her by a mile, not because my aim was off, but because she leapt away with a jump that could shatter an Olympic record. She was already in magical girl form. Damn, and I was hoping she'd go through her transformation sequence, giving me enough time to yawn, look at my watch, light a cigarette, scratch myself, and shoot her. No dice. I got her in my sights again, and shot her right between the eyes. Or tried to. There was a big puff of pink smoke, and when I could see clearly again, she was gone. Smoke? Aww, no. All those cute tricks she did during the show weren't tricks, they were real, including her smoke disappearing trick. She was, well... a magical magical girl. The stage was empty, so I thought maybe she'd hightailed it out of there. Then I heard a high-pitched laugh coming from somewhere in the audience. She was perched on the edge of the balcony, glaring down at me. "I've been waiting a long time for this, killer!" she howled. "Waiting to avenge the death of my team leader! Even a sex change isn't enough for you to hide from my righteous wrath!" Sex change? "Hey, wait a minute..." "No! The Shinjuku Petting Zoo Custodians demand vengeance! They will not wait for anyone, least of all you!" Shinjuku... Petting... uh... She obviously thought we'd killed her comrade- not that surprising, considering our line of work. Still, I couldn't recall killing anyone belonging to a team with that name, and believe me, I would've remembered something that stupid. I don't think she was in the mood to debate that though, so I replied with some witty flying lead. She jumped down from the ledge, dodging a stream of bullets, alighting on two feet. Remember how I wished for a transformation sequence? Big mistake. She didn't transform exactly, she just threw off her cape, then she took off her top hat, which had stayed on her head for the whole show, revealing... a pair of fake rabbit ears. At least I hoped they were fake. Either way, she just earned herself a quick painful death. "Prepare to meet your doom at the hands of Fluffy Wonder Bunny, you murderer!" she screeched. Okay, a long, drawn-out, painful death. I fired again, but she just disappeared in another puff of smoke. This kept up for a while, sort of like a three-dimensional game of whack-a-mole, except the mole whacked back. I'd fire my gun. She'd disappear, reappear, and counter with one of her ridiculous attacks. It was a tough game. I was more accustomed to the kind of fuku'ed target that would hold still long enough for me to give her a hollowpoint present. To try and distract her, I asked her a few questions while we played our deadly little game. "Why do you think it was us? I've never seen you before in my life," I said, lining her up in my sights. She vanished as I pulled the trigger and reappeared off to my right. "Don't play innocent with me!" she yelled. "I remember that day very well! We were..." *blam* Damn, missed her by that much. She reappeared, this time off to my left. "We were on patrol looking for the Phantom Animal Catcher and split up to look for it. I heard a scream, and when I got back..." *blam* Now she was in the front row of seats. "...when I got there, Miko Meow Meow was dead! I found these lying next to the body." She tossed something at me, which I instinctively dodged. It turned out to be two scraps of cardboard, with our pictures taped to them (mine was from when I was still male) and the names "Yoi Kurasaka" and "Itami Daikoku" hastily scribbled on the front. I figured these were supposed to be IDs, although anyone with half a brain could see they were fake. Then again, I was dealing with someone with a magically "enhanced" brain. I punctuated that little thought with another burst of gunfire in Fluffy Wonder Bunny's general direction. By that time, she had finished her little vengeance rant and had gone on the offensive. I really, really could've used Itami's help right about then. "WILD CARDS!" I dove to the floor as she fired off a stream of razor-sharp playing cards like shuriken, swearing as one of the damn things nicked me in the shoulder, giving me a nasty cut and ruining a perfectly good trenchcoat. I got one shot off before I had to roll out of the way to avoid being cut to ribbons by her next hand. She wasn't done yet, not by a long shot. As I popped in a fresh clip, she threw up her hands, spun around, and shouted one of the stupidest attack phrases I've ever heard, which is saying a lot. "PIGEON TORNADO!" A flock of pigeons flew out of her shirt sleeves, circling around her once before dive-bombing me and pecking my head repeatedly. I was half-blinded by all the sharp beaks and feathers flying around, so I almost walked right into an energy blast. Next time I go to the park, I'm going to poison some of those fucking flying rat bastards. Ever try shooting down a dozen pigeons while trying not to get taken out by a magical girl's zap attacks? I can honestly say I have, and it wasn't fun. Fortunately, I managed to take shelter behind one of her props, a glass windowpane, which the stupid birds smacked into, cracking their little skulls. I took a few seconds to laugh about it, until a blast broke the window, showering me with glass. Could things possibly get any worse than this? Eventually, she ran out of cutesy attacks and went with the old Magical Girl standard: firing off neon pink blasts of screaming hot death from her magic wand, the only difference being that her wand was a magician's wand, not the usual sceptre or flashlight-sized mockup. Still, I was familiar enough with the situation to fall into my usual routine- running around, squeezing off the occasional shot, and thinking "Oh..... shit..." over and over. Despite all the lethal cute energy flying around, I had everything under control... until she pulled the rabbit out of her hat. It wasn't an ordinary white rabbit, oh no, it had to be teal. She let it drop to the ground, where it scampered off into the seating area, presumably to sneak up and bite me on the ass while I wasn't looking. Not a bad plan, considering it was all I could do to keep my bacon from being fried. I ducked down behind some chairs as another blast of pink energy tore through the space I was previously occupying, incinerating a chair and filling the air with the smell of burning upholstery. We kept up this game of cat-and- mouse (or cat-and-bunny) for what seemed like hours. I was starting to run low on ammo though, so something was going to have to give eventually. Maybe all the pink smoke got me disoriented or something. I fired off two shots (which she naturally teleported away from). There was an audible *POOF* from behind me. Damn, she was a lot smarter than my usual prey. I spun around, already firing, but she was way ahead of me. The blast tore my gun out of my hand, sending it flying, and knocked me on my back. She walked up to me, smiling wickedly, and waved bye-bye. "This is it, Yoi," I thought. "You're royally fucked now." That's when I heard a scrabbling noise behind me. Gambling on instinct, I lunged for a spot behind me and came up with a fistful of bunny. "One false move and the bunny gets it!" I threatened. Ugh, that was not one of my better lines. We both took a second to mull that one over, then she glared at me. "Put... the bunny... down," she whispered menacingly, or as menacingly as a teenaged girl with bunny ears can get. She made no move to attack, though. I wondered why she hadn't blasted me to kingdom come, then I realized she was afraid of hitting her mascot by mistake. "Aww, how sweet, she doesn't want to hurt her widdle friend," I thought. I was hoping the bunny would help me out by pleading for its life in a screechingly annoying voice, but it remained strangely silent. The one time you actually want the damn things to talk, they clam up on you. Oh well, guess I'd have to make do. "You wouldn't want to hurt your special, special friend, would you, Bunny?" I squeaked in my best mascot voice, keeping a firm grip on its head and moving it forward like a talking sock puppet. Fluffy Wonder Bunny turned purple with rage, but stayed perfectly still, waiting. After a couple of tense moments, I realized, hey, what the hell am I doing holding a bunny when I've got a perfectly good gun lying around? I wound up like a baseball pitcher and threw the floppy-eared bastard at her, diving for my gun. It collided with her face with a satisfying smack. I reached my gun at the same time she recovered from her rabbit facial, so we fired simultaneously. My shot tore through her shoulder, causing her to drop her wand. Hers hit me in the big toe, making me drop my gun, again! One of these days, I'm going to have to tape it to my hand. "Stop him, Bun-chan!" she yelled, limping toward the stage exit. Bun-chan? I could've gone after her first and finished her off, but she was injured, so she wouldn't get very far. Besides, if you can't make the time to whack a fuzzy mascot, you just aren't living life to the fullest. I picked up my gun and turned around, but it was gone. Then I spotted it up on stage, pawing at a bag of white powder, trying to knock it off a table. I strolled up and took aim just as it succeeded, the bag landing on it and coating it with dust. To my horror, the bunny started growing, like something out of a monster movie. Ohhhhhhhhh... shiiiiiiit... *** I fired at point-blank range, but the bullets just bounced off. By the time it was finished growing, I was looking at a six-foot tall, bullet-proof bunny from hell, with cute two-inch fangs. I couldn't really call it Bun-chan anymore. "Bunzilla" seemed more appropriate. I always wondered why the evil powers from beyond time and space took the forms that they did. Evil isn't tentacles and dripping ichor. Evil is floppy ears and a twitchy twitchy nose. The floppy-eared, beady-eyed, freak of nature charged with a roar and rammed me, sending me flying. Bullets were useless against it, so I got up and punched it in the nose. "Owwww! Damn, that hurts!" I hopped around, holding my swollen fist, until the creature took a swipe at me with one furry rabbit paw. Since I couldn't hurt it with anything I had on me, I figured the best thing to do would be to put some space between me and it until I could find something that would do the trick. Getting away from it was harder than I thought. Who would've figured a giant bunny could hop faster than a man (or woman) could run? I managed to get on the opposite side of a table from the killer bunny, and we chased each other round and round (well it chased, I just ran for my life) until it got tired of playing tag and simply smashed through it. Bunzilla grabbed me in a bear hug and squeezed me so hard, I was gasping for breath. The sheer weight of its body pushed me back. I couldn't break out of its grip, and I couldn't go forward, so I settled for letting it push me around. Around and around we went, doing a kind of demented tango. I felt myself backing up a step ladder, then back onto level ground. Finally, the freaking bunny fell on top of me, pinning me to the ground. That's when I heard the splashing sound. Splashing? Water? "But there's no water in here..." I thought. "oh no... the piranha tank, I forgot all about it." So there I was, being strangled to death by a giant killer bunny, on the edge of a piranha tank. Great way to spend a quiet Friday evening, don'tcha think? Despite my impending death, I couldn't help but think of a cheerful tune. "o/Death is very, very bad... We should live instead...o/" I had two options: let the bunny strangle me to death, or fall into the water and let the piranhas chew me to pieces, neither of which I liked, so I made a third option. Using a strength that comes from knowing you're about to die in an extremely embarassing way, I kicked Bunzilla and into the tank. He sank to the bottom with a very satisfying sound. I got up and brushed myself off. "Bedtime for Bunzilla." I chuckled quietly over that one. Damn, it's a lot funnier though when the mascot's owner is watching. Which reminded me... *SPLOOSH* Argh! I should've known better. Anything that can shrug off a bullet wouldn't mind a few piranhas chewing on its hide. Bunzilla bobbed to the surface, trying to tread water and claw at me at the same time. That gave me an idea... I grabbed the nearest thing I could find, a microphone stand, and pushed the floppy-eared monster's head below the water. This time, I didn't let up until the bubbles stopped coming to the surface, and even then, I poked the submerged body a few times just to make sure. Good, all taken care of. Now I had to catch up to that girl and get her to tell me where Itami was. I lost track of time while I was busy getting mauled by her mascot. Maybe Itami was already... I didn't want to think about it. Fortunately, Fluffy Wonder Bunny left a convenient trail of blood to follow, a result of her shoulder wound. I followed it through the maze of curtains backstage until I came to another room- a prop room form the looks of it. There she was, facing away from me, leaning against a post. "All right, playtime's over. Where's Itami?" I asked, waving my gun. No response. "Your bunny friend's taking a dirt nap, so don't expect anyone to bail you out." Then again, she could've been one of those kamen-protected girls. I didn't want to give her time to stall. "Now where the hell did you put Itami?" Still nothing. Then she toppled over, eyes wide and staring, with blood leaking from a hole in her forehead. Not a bad thing in itself, except I didn't shoot her there. When I heard a sinister chuckle behind me, I swung around and leveled my gun. "Who's there?" More laughter. It was really starting to get on my nerves. Then somebody stepped out of the shadows, leaning backwards slightly so that the legs emerged first, followed by the torso, and lastly, the head. Whoever this joker was, he was trying to make a dramatic entrance, like the way people do in the movies. When he emerged fully (and he took his sweet time doing it too) I gave him a quick once-over. Long, black hair flowing over his shoulders, delicate pretty-boy features, the kind that make teenage girls squeal in that shrill, ear-splitting way they do, a shirt, coat, and slacks, and most notably, a .45. "You're too late," he said, smugness creeping into his voice. "Huh?" I didn't have any idea what the hell the guy was talking about. He waved his gun at the body. "The girl. I've stolen her from you." Uh, yeah. "Who the hell are you?" Not the nicest way to introduce myself, but I was in a hurry and not in the mood for idle chatter. "My name is Sato Matsumoto. I'm your replacement, Yoi Kurasaka." "My replacement? Look buddy, I'm not a tv repairman. I kill magical girls for a living. I don't have a replacement." "That's where you're wrong, Yoi." He strolled over to the corpse, trying real hard to look nonchalant. I think the excited bounce in his footsteps spoiled the effect, though. "I've been watching you and your partner for some time now. You used to be good Yoi, but now you've grown soft and weak. I think it's time you stepped aside in favor of a fresher, more capable hunter." "Like you, for instance," I said. I think I saw where he was coming from now. "That's right." He made a sweeping gesture in the general direction of the body. "And as proof of my intent, I've deprived you of your kill." "You killed an unarmed, wounded kid. Yippee," I said in my best sarcastic voice, applauding by slapping three fingers against the side of my palm. I guess it struck a nerve, because he turned beet red and dropped the "cooler than thou" act. "Very well, Yoi, if it's proof you want, it's proof you'll get." Then he turned around and stomped off the set. Jesus, give a man a gun and he thinks he's a professional. I guess the glut of magical girls had every loser wannabe thinking he could go into the business. With all the self-styled assassins coming out of the woodwork these days, maybe Itami and I could go into business as Magical Girl Hunter hunters... nah. At least he was gone. Now that I was alone (not counting the rotting corpse), I could get down to the business of finding Itami. A quick search of all the trunks and cabinets turned up nothing. I was about to give up and try another room when I heard a thumping sound coming from a wall locker. I popped it open, and sure enough, there he was, Mr. Sunshine himself, wearing a cute pastel green gag and tied up with flower-print handkerchiefs. I breathed a sigh of relief. Still, I couldn't resist teasing him. "Found your happy place, Itami?" We shared a chuckle (well actually, he just glared), and I untied him. We got out of there fast, not wanting to have to explain the mess to the cleaning staff. I figured after all the excitement, we could use a breath of fresh air, so we took a shortcut through a park on the way home. During our walk, I explained everything that happened while he was out of action- the girl, the bunny, the wannabe assassin. In retrospect, cutting through the park wasn't the greatest idea. Parks are magnets for youma and other evil creatures, not to mention the magical girls that hunt them down. We were halfway across the park when it happened. There, posing on top of a statue, was the one person I'd been hoping to avoid ever seeing again. Princess Love. Well, one of the people. Actually, the list was getting longer every day... I had a little trouble recognizing her at first- she'd gone and traded in her old outfit for prison stripes, right down to the black-and-white striped fuku. A ball and chain manacled to her ankle completed the outfit- a fashion accessory, or something else? I was wondering exactly what the hell prompted this atrocious new look, when she leapt off the statue and began to sing. "o/Whyyyyyyyy... iiiiiiiiis... everyone so mean?o/" "o/Don't they know that crabbiness is not for human beings?o/" It was a magical girl's twisted take on jailhouse blues, and by that I mean the kind of caterwauling that would get you thrown in jail. I was going to put the finishing touches on her song, preferably a nice big GURK! for the big finale, but Itami shook his head. Seemed like he wanted to hear her out. When she finished her abominable little ditty, as if that wasn't enough, she launched into a little mini-tirade. "I am Criminal Princess Love! I'll forgive crimes of love, but not crimes of hate! I believe in a higher justice, the justice of the heart!" She pointed a finger at me and yelled, "Yoi Kurasaka!" Then she blinked. "Where's Yoi?" I guess I could've played innocent and hid behind Itami or something, but she would've harassed him instead, and he'd already had enough torment for one night. "Right over here." She blinked again. "But..." "Yeah yeah, I'm a woman. Long story. Lotta details. So, what do you want?" "I've got the money, Yoi!" She held up a big sack, bulging with cash, presumably pulled out of whatever space magical girls kept their stuff in. "I had to bust out of jail to get here, but it was worth the effort! Now go kill those evil bitches so Prettyboy Warrior Nekomi Tech Kamen and I can be reunited!" She sighed, eyes filling with pink hearts. Now I'm not one to turn down a big wad of money, but there was no way in hell I was going to take on five virtually unkillable monster girls to get it. A grunt from Itami confirmed his thoughts on the subject. I was racking my brain for a way to get Princess Love off our backs, when I noticed a rustling in the bushes. I caught a glimpse of long black hair- it was that Sato guy from earlier. He was probably looking to rack up a few kills to boost his sorry reputation. I wasn't too fond of Princess Love, but I didn't want this two-bit assassin to get a free kill either. That's when a really evil idea hit me. I cleared my throat and used what I hoped was my best noble speech voice. "Princess Love! Your quest for True Love may fail without wisdom, and knowledge, and... other stuff! Mere guns and grenades cannot bring you that which you most desire!" "That man over there," I so helpfully pointed out, "...holds the key to defeating your enemy!" Perfect. She lashed out with her ball and chain, the latter wrapping around Sato's neck and the former smacking him upside the head. While the poor fool lay dazed, she dragged him out into the open. Time for the clincher. "But first, in order to get him to reveal his mystical... uh, info, you must heal his evil heart with your music. Sing, Princess Love! Sing like you've never sung before! Oh yeah, and don't forget the yummy light." While Princess Love was preoccupied with Sato, Itami and I made our escape. As I glanced over my shoulder, I caught a glimpse of Criminal Princess Love taking out her Magical Microphone and the utter look of despair on Sato's face. After our narrow escape from the clutches of cute, Itami and I went our seperate ways. The next day, it was business as usual. We agreed that the best way to deal with all the recent craziness was to go about our normal routine- we tried the "relaxation" bit, and you know how that turned out. After last night's insanity, I didn't mind the tedium all that much. We were sitting around, waiting for something to happen, when the phone rang. Veracity, or Vera, as we'd taken to calling her, picked up the phone. She said "yes" a few times, in that musical tone of hers, then hung up. "Who was that?" I asked. "A client is coming over, Kurasaka-san." "When's he coming over?" "Right now." Sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Our prospective client was a balding little man with a nervous facial tick. He was pretty agitated, so much so that his hands shook when he picked up the cup of coffee I offered him. Seeing as how he didn't seem to be the type of guy who would strike up a casual conversation with a hired killer, I got right down to business. "So, Mister..." I prompted. "Serl. J. Serl." "Right, Mr. Serl. I hear you have a... problem you'd like us to take care of." He shuffled his feet indecisively. "There's this girl... she runs the Happy Tree Learning Center for Gifted Children. I think it would be for the best if she... stopped working." "Any particular reason, Mr. Serl?" I had to ask- we'd been set up way too many times to take our clients at face value. He struggled to get the words out. "She's... she's dangerous..." That was it? I waited, but he didn't say anything more, he just sat there and shook. Hmm, I guess he didn't want to talk about it. We weren't hard up for money right now, so if he couldn't even be bothered to come up with a reason... I got up and opened the door for him. "Well that's nice, but aren't they all? Since you're not really sure if you want to go through with this or not, maybe you could use a couple of days to think it over," I said, putting my hand on his back and guiding him over to the door. "W... w... wait!" he stuttered. "P... please, hear me out." He took a deep breath. "I used to work there, you see. You can't imagine the unspeakable horror that goes on there. She... she..." He was trying to get the words out, but he couldn't quite finish, like he was choking on his own sentences. I couldn't help feeling sorry for the poor guy. What could hurt a man so badly that he couldn't give a name to his nightmare? Was he afraid of pastel colors and cute fuzzy familiars? He grabbed my wrist like a lifeline. "Please! I'll pay anything! Double! Triple! Upfront! For the love of god, somebody's got to stop her!" He was crying now, wracked by pitiful sobs. I held a quick conference with Itami in the corner. "He needs help," Itami mumbled. "Tell me about it!" I replied. "He should've stopped by the funny farm first." "I mean he needs _our_ help." "You really think so?" Itami nodded. "Look, Itami, I know you're itching to get back into action, but we don't have to take every client that comes down the pike. This guy just doesn't seem right in the head." "Ootaki." I twitched. "Sato." "Stop that." "They want our jobs," he shrugged. He was right. If we wanted to remain the number one magical girl killers, we couldn't hand over all our clients to those punks. That settled it. We nodded in unison. I patted our client on the back. "Sir, you've got yourself a deal." He wept again, tears of joy this time, and popped open his briefcase. There was a thin manila folder- the rest of the space was taken up by cash- lots of it. He shoveled out the money like a train engineer stoking the furnace. Wow, it looked like he came prepared to offer triple, maybe more. As he turned to leave, I clapped him on the back. "Don't you worry, Mr. Serl. You watch and see, we'll get your girl." That little reassurance sent him into a frenzy of hysterical giggles. Sheesh, maybe we should start giving our clients sanity tests. *** According to our client's documents, our mark was a twelve year-old with short, curly brown hair. She was unusual in several respects. First, she had an actual job- teaching pre-schoolers how to read, write- the basics. Now, most magical girls have the IQ of a rotting post (except for the super brainy ones, who usually only show up on teams), and even a normal twelve-year old girl wouldn't be capable of teaching toddlers, so that aroused my suspicions right away. I tentatively marked her down under the "super genius" category on my mental checklist. Second, teaching was the only thing she did- no fighting youma, no chasing evildoers around, no saving the world. I couldn't think of another instance of a magical girl doing something so mundane- even the weakest and cheesiest ones had some noble cause of justice to devote themselves to. Hell, this girl didn't even have a seperate home- she lived at the school full-time. Ordinarily, we liked to track our victims to a secluded spot and finish them off, but that wouldn't work here. We'd have to fight her at the school- after the kids got out of class, of course. There wasn't much else in her file. Serl's writing turned into gibberish once he got to the section on powers and abilities. Ditto for the name. Damn, even his handwriting stuttered. Hopefully, we could gather more information from scoping the place out. H was out of touch- doing god knows what, although my guess was it involved killing magical girls by the dozen. Aika couldn't make it for obvious reasons. That left Itami and I- more than a match for any one magical girl. Uh, right. I was tempted to bring along some of the gadgets we stole from the mad scientist, but I couldn't begin to imagine what some of them did. I didn't want to vaporize myself just because I was pointing a weapon the wrong way. Visits to the new Finn was out of the question. I didn't trust anyone who couldn't keep his own hardware under control. Itami's new sword stayed behind too- I'd had it up to here with mystical swords. Maybe we could get Keikaku to id... hmm, maybe not. We amused ourselves by divving up the weapons- the usual assortment of knives, guns, and grenades. "One for me, one for you... One for me, one for you... You ready, partner?" "Yeah." "C'mon, Itami. Let's go make some fluffy noise." We set up shop on the rooftop of the building across the street from the school with our telephoto lens. From there, we had a pretty good view of the classroom- it was a one-room schoolhouse, so we knew where she was going to be. We watched the kids file in and sit down at their desks. They were awfully well-behaved for toddlers. After all the kids arrived, we got our first good look at the girl. She was wearing a neon orange graduation cap and gown, or half a gown- the other half was a, you guessed it, fuku. A pair of horn-rimmed glasses hung on her face, which had the same stern look you'd expect from a middle-aged schoolmarm. It brought back some horrible memories of- uh, never mind. After a couple hours of watching, we had a much better idea of what the school was really like. I thought it was a preschool, but the kind of things she was making the kids do would've floored us in school, I mean, _high_ _school_. Not that we were good students or anything, but we managed to graduate. Anyway, she had those kids slaving away like they were in an information sweatshop. I thought the big pastel computers were particularly nasty. As we watched her scribble on the chalkboard and wave her pointer, I couldn't help but feel repulsed. All these kids were dumped here by their ambitious parents, hoping to get an edge on the competition. Competition! These kids could barely walk, and they were expected to sit in class all day, taking tests and cramming for what, kindergarden entrance exams? They were no more ready for cram school than the teenage (and sometimes prepubescent) magical girls were to fight for justice. I was scratching my head wondering how a girl like that managed to get what would normally be a room full of screaming, rambunctious hyperactive kids to sit still and behave, when I got my answer. One kid, a little boy wearing overals, suddenly crawled out of his seat and started banging his books on the desk. The girl shook her finger at him and mouthed something. When that didn't work, she waved her pointer over the boy's head. A cloud of pink sparklies came out of the tip and settled over the kid. He climbed back into his seat and started typing away like a zombie. So, that was her secret. It always comes down to force with magical girls; it's either their way or no way at all. I hated the way they forced their twisted ideals on people and beat down differing opinions with pink high heels. I wanted to initiate her into Ass Cappa Beta. Yeah, this was for the kids... and the money, and for kicks. As time went on, the girl grew increasingly agitated. It was just a frown on her face at first, but by the time the first class was over, she was pacing back and forth, snapping at the kids. About an hour into our stakeout, the girl stopped writing in mid-sentence and bustled her charges out of the room. It was highly suspicious, but we didn't want to rush in unprepared. We waited a few minutes, but nobody came back. We were focusing so much on the classroom and the exits to the school that when the girl appeared on the rooftop, she scared the hell out of us. She launched right into a speech, reciting it in a singsong voice. "What horrid troubles do I spy?" "With furrowed brow and watchful eye?" (Right about then, she started looking around from side to side with her hand shielding her eyes, like she was searching for something far away. I wanted to scream, "Over here, idiot!" but I was busy fumbling with my gun.) "It is here..." "...there..." "...everywhere." "In the air..." "...on the ground..." "...all around..." At least we found out what made our client so twitchy. I guess listening to that crap day in and day out would make anybody batty. Hell, even Itami once cracked under similar pressure. Mind you, we didn't stand there dumbly and watch her recite her stupid canned speech. We opened fire by the time she got to the "watchful eye" part. Hey, we're professional assassins, not youma minions or bystanders. We should've finished her off there by all rights, but the bullets just bounced off an invisible barrier before they reached her. Oh great, she was one of those girls with a shield. With nothing stopping her, she rambled on, acting like we weren't there. "What evil wakes the breaking dawn?" "Delinquent truant fools, begone!" "Your fast impending doom is near!" "For academic truth is here!" For the next verse, she stamped her foot to punctuate the end of each line. I switched to a shotgun, hoping stronger firepower would do the trick. No dice. Itami pulled the pin from a grenade and threw it. It bounced off the shield and fell to the street below, blowing up a passing poodle. Oops. "To educate!" "To demonstrate!" "The power of love and knowledge!" "I'll teach the children happy facts" "And send them off to college!" She took a deep breath, gearing up for the big finish. "For I am Lovely Rhyme-and-Reason!" "So grab your guns, it's open season," I added. Itami grunted in pain. "Sorry about that, Itami." Fortunately for our sanity, Lovely Rhyme-and-Reason dropped into prose. "You!" she pointed accusingly. "I sensed your arrival! In the name of higher learning, I will teach you a lesson!" Itami and I looked at each other. We couldn't beat her in a straight shootout, so we'd have to distract her, get her to lower her shield somehow. Since Itami wasn't much of a talker, I handled our end of things. "Let me guess," I said. "You sensed the approach of an evil scourge, yadda yadda yadda..." Lovely shook her head. "No! I smelled the evil stench of two college dropouts!" She sniffed the air and wrinkled her nose for good measure. "Huh? We didn't go to college." "Eeeeeeek!", she squealed in outrage. "Interesting," I thought. "This looks like something we can take advantage of." Acting on a hunch, I casually leaned against a wall. "It's _cool_ to skip _school_." She cried out in pain and clapped her hands over her ears, shaking her head from side to side. Itami and I opened fire again, hoping to score a lucky hit, but the shield held, although it wavered a bit. There we were, doing we what we do best, and loving every minute of it (even though the fear of imminent death kind of masked it at the time). We were toe to toe, face to cutesy face, gun to wand, and we knew her weak spot. Now it was time to take her to school. Author's notes: Thanks to Tim Harahan, Roe, Jake Wallace, and Calculus for pre-reading. Credit goes to Tso for the idea of Criminal Princess Love. Next writer up: Tim Harahan!