I turned to the cell phone, and looked down into Akari Nazo's window. She
sat there, nearly catatonic with fear, cowering on the floor. I, quite
smugly, raised the device to my ear, greeted by the sounds of the lovely
Mrs. Mashihaisha Ultra ... sobbing.

"So, Nazo, I take it we've got your attention. Now, let's get down to
business."


                  -----------------------------------------
                  ImproFanfic Presents --

                 - M A G I C A L   G I R L   H U N T E R S -

                        Episode 35: Know Your Enemy

                             By Nick Marquardt

                     Original Concept by Aaron Shattuck

                  -----------------------------------------


It was almost textbook. Now that she knew that she was defenseless, she was
willing to do anything. I nodded at Itami, who simply grunted and chambered
another round.

It suddenly occurred to me as I listened to Akari blubbering that I had no
idea exactly what I was going to ask her. Then, it suddenly came to me. "Who
is Ramsbottom."

The sound on the other end immediately ceased. I sat there and paused for a
moment, wondering what the hell was going on.

I turned to my partner. "Itami," I spoke, partly into the phone.

"Kurasaka-san. You should know the answer to that question much better than
I," came Nazo's voice finally.

When you're staring down the barrel of a very powerful rifle, that's
usually not the kind of answer you give. But I was willing to let it slide.
For now, at least. "What do you mean by that?" I asked, sarcastically.

Nazo replied immediately. "I mean exactly what I said."

I looked up at Itami, questioningly. He shrugged, I shrugged, we all
shrugged. Sure, Itami couldn't hear the conversation, but oh well, his loss.

"So tell me, why did you fight each other?"

Nazo was silent. "Itami," I called to my partner, this time meaning it.
Itami aimed and fired one shot from the AMR, the round flying straight
through whatever shielding she didn't raise and obliterating her left arm.
And, I have to give her credit, she barely grunted as the flechette
impacted.

It's one of those things that you just can't watch. Very messy. I was glad
when it was over, and glad that Nazo didn't make much noise. "So are you
going to answer the question," I posed.

Nazo's voice came, somewhat thinly. "The reason Ramsbottom and I fight is
the same reason you and I fight, Yoi. And I think that reason should also
come naturally to you, similarly to your previous question."

Right then and there, I could tell that Nazo was going to be one hundred
percent uncooperative, even as her limbs were blown off. "Aw, fuck it," I
said into the phone. "Just finish her."

Nazo chuckled. She was suddenly collected, this worried me. A lot. "I don't
think your partner would really want to shoot that gun at me."

I gave my best questioning look, and watched. The wall Nazo was facing
raised up to reveal a woman in a pair of dirty, rumpled-looking slacks with
her blouse half torn off, who was tied quite securely to a chair. She was
amazingly unscathed, even given the amount of firepower that had been
dispensed there. I didn't recognize her, but Itami did immediately.

Itami grunted at the sight of her, raising the AMR. "What?" I asked.

"H." he said, simply, returning the rifle to 'battlefield ready'. I turned
and glanced. No way, that couldn't be her. No way in hell.

"You see, I really don't think that Itami really wants to take the risk of
his shot being deflected by my shield and having the fragments destroy his
beloved Kasumi."

I grabbed a handy pair of binoculars and tried to get a look for myself.
Yep, sure enough, I recognized her. It was the average-looking girl that H
was when not being H. I had a very sinking feeling in my stomach; this
wasn't going to be anywhere as easy as I thought.

"Look, Nazo, what do you want." Yeah, I know, it probably wasn't the most
eloquent thing to say at the time, but it works.

Nazo leapt over her desk and went behind H, using her as a shield. "Can you
get a clear shot?" I whispered to Itami.

He grunted. "Shield might deflect the flechettes."

I nodded grimly.

"It's quite simple, really. You killed my husband. I want revenge. I want you
to die." Nazo's voice was stone-cold, even ... kind of freaky now that I think
about it. Especially coming from someone who'd just recently lost an arm.

"I don't plan on doing that for quite some time."

"Of course you don't, Yoi. No one plans these things."

I was mad. I was very mad. I was ready to grab the AMR from Itami and shoot
right through H to kill Nazo. Evidently, Itami knew exactly what I was
thinking, because he shot me quite possibly the single most menacing look
that he's ever shot me. And I put that idea right out of my mind. I pressed
the mute button on the phone. "Itami, we need a plan."

Itami nodded. "Aika," he said.

I glanced down, and saw Pretty Deadly there in the window, holding her arms
out in a "what do you want me to do?" type pose. I scratched my chin and
frowned ... yes, there was something. Nazo was outnumbered, three to one.
Well, four to one, really, when you count H. It should be an easy fight.

Something itched at the back of my mind. What about H's H powers? She was
tied up ... shouldn't they be manifesting? "Why hasn't she transformed?" I
wondered aloud.

"Ofuda," uttered Itami.

I peered through the binoculars and examined H. Indeed, there were small
strips of paper pinned to her clothing. In fact, one of the pins was going
straight through her exposed nipple. I winced a bit in sympathetic pain
before I realized that this was H; she probably liked that kind of stuff.
Heck, it was probably a preexisting hole.

They probably weren't ofuda, but they were something very similar. Something
unholy, probably, something that interferes with magical girl stuff. I
shuddered as I pondered what she was going through there. Defenseless,
scared, unable to transform and defend herself ... and sitting there in a
situation where, if she were her transformed self, she'd have gotten out of
in a snap.

Nazo huddled behind H's chair, every now and then casting a glance up to me
expectantly. She was ready for anything, like nothing could distract her.

A distraction. That's what we needed. We needed something to distract Nazo
away from H so that we could go in there and get her out of there. I looked
back down at Aika. It was almost too perfect.

I took the phone back off mute. "Akari? I'll call you back in a few moments,
gotta change batteries." I pressed the "END" button before I even heard any
of her objections. "Come on, let's go."

Itami and I descended from the roof and entered the other building, riding
up to Nazo's floor. We were greeted by a very confused Aika, who was
wondering what the hell was going on.

"She's got H in there," said Itami. Aika just wordlessly nodded.

"We need to all know what we're doing ... this is our plan of attack," I
said. "What we're going to do is ..."

                       *****************************

I dialed the number of the other cell phone, and could hear it ringing
loudly from the other room. "Hello, Yoi," came Nazo's voice at the other
end. "Would Itami like to hear his girlfriend's struggling?" I could swear
she was almost chuckling at the irony.

"That won't be necessary," I said. "I'm going to come in there right now,
and we're going to settle this. You'll let Kasumi go, and then I'll let you
have me."

Aika seemed a little disturbed by everything, but she was getting over it.
She knew every single time we were in one of these kind of battles there was
a chance we'd not come back alive. But in times like these, we did what we
had to.

Nazo chuckled. "Oh, but you see, it's not going to be that easy. Daikoku
Itami is responsible for the separation from my love just as much as you
are, Kurasaka Yoi. I don't intend to let you go that easy and besides,
what's to day you're not setting me up in a trap?"

Damn. I pressed mute. "I told you she wouldn't fall for it."

Aika shrugged. "Plan B?"

I nodded. "Plan B."

Itami nodded.

The next few moments were a blur. Aika slipped into the office next to
Nazo's, and out the window. Itami and I got ready next to the door, prepared
to burst in. I shot a signal to Aika, who went around to the other side and
threw one of her Whuppass grenades through Nazo's window, creating cover for
Itami and I. Itami's job was simple: Nail Nazo with that sword. My job was a
little more complicated. I was in charge of recovering H.

"You ready for this?" I asked my partner right before we burst through the
door.

Itami nodded.

Our cue was the canister exploding. At that mark, we burst into the room
quickly, overtaking her. Aika fired off a few weak magical energy blasts at
Nazo, testing the resolve of her shield and providing a cover fire. It seemed
to be working; she was leaving her back wiiiide open.

Aika was using some new techniques ... she seemed to have gotten quite the
power-up package. "BEAUTIFUL DEATH FIST!" she yelled, throwing a handful of
beadlike things at Nazo. They ricocheted off the shield and impacted with
the wall like bullets. I was impressed.

I lunged, readying my combat knife. The straps holding H to the chair were
stronger than I thought they'd be ... this would take a while. Almost
simultaneously, Itami began his charge. It was at this point that Nazo
turned around.

"[NOOOOOO!!!!]" she screamed, loudly and with such force that I couldn't
help but flinch. An energy burst seemed to be growing at Nazo's fingertips;
I could almost swear I saw her eyes beginning to glow red with a battle
aura.

"Itami!" I called, scared shitless. Aika kept up her attacks, raising the
intensity level of her energy bursts.

"DEADLY STORM!" Aika shouted, and I swiveled my head to check out /this/ new
attack. It started out as a somewhat standard energy blast, but as it neared
Nazo, it began splitting up and swirling, spinning around her. An
enveloping-type attack ... that could be useful later.

Itami, meanwhile ... roared. It was unlike anything I'd ever seen. I'd read
something about this before, some kind of rage. Something about adrenaline
causing people to go into a frenzy, and do things they'd not normally do. So
what if I don't remember the passage ... this was before Lovely Rhyme and
Reason hit me with her "Ultra Exam Surge".

I slashed through the last of the arm strapping just as Itami connected with
his first blow, grazing Nazo. It seemed to slash her up just like butter. It
seemed to go straight through her shields, and she noticed it too. She kept
her distance from the frenzied madman that was my partner, distracted enough
that I didn't need to worry.

As soon as I freed H's arms, she sprung to life. She ripped off all her
clothes, every last stitch. "Yoi, get these as far away from me as you can,"
she ordered, handing them to me. I saw that they had some kind of arcane
runes embroidered into the linings.

I obliged, not really in any mood to argue with a naked chick. She reached
down and ripped the 'ofuda' right off her nipple. That had to hurt. I picked
up the little slip of paper, noticing that it had the same type of rune on
it as the clothes had. I slid it into my pocket silently, and continued on.

It was a blur of energy, motion, and cold steel. All the hentai energy that
had been building up inside H for that whole time she was tied up and
imprisoned was released all at once as she finally was able to transform
(complete with the porno-music soundtrack), and it was focused on Nazo.
Itami exercised uncanny intelligence for his condition, and backed off. Aika
also stopped attacking.

I'll have to admit, I was impressed by Nazo. At first, her shields held back
the huge torrent of power emanating from H. But it just kept coming, and
coming, and ... 

A muffled scream rang out from somewhere inside the glowing halo of energy
surrounding Nazo. I could barely see it, but it reminded me of the scene
with the tentacle beast, multiplied by a round thousand (in terms of the
amount of energy involved).

Nazo was destroyed from the inside. And when I say destroyed, I mean
destroyed. There was nothing left of her besides a scorch on the carpet.

We stood there for a few seconds, looking at the scorchmark. I turned and
looked around the room. Aika's lower jaw was currently located on the floor.
Itami had the same kind of goofy grin on his face that he had the first time
he'd seen Veracity. I cursed myself for not bringing a camera. Then I looked
at H (the object of both Aika's and Itami's attentions), and mentally flayed
myself for not bringing a camera.

H was ... Well, let's put it this way. Her chair, the rest of her
bindings, and Nazo weren't the only things completely obliterated in the
onslaught of energy. Sailor H was currently wearing exactly ... well,
nothing. Her leather fuku had evidently been "taken care of" by the sheer
amounts of H power she'd released. "What?" she said, noticing Itami, Aika
and I all staring at her. Taking a quick glance down, she "eep"ed quietly
and tried to cover up. I didn't think about it at the time, but now that
seems kind of odd. She must have used up quite a bit of her Hentai Energy
stores in that oddly nameless attack.

She turned to Itami, giving him those puppy-dog eyes. Itami obliged, parting
with his trenchcoat. "I'm ... sorry. About everything," she said.

"..." Itami really had a way with words.

H slid into both the trenchcoat and his arms. She sighed, and for a moment
there, I thought they were cute together.

I staggered over to Aika and took this opportunity to pick up her lower jaw
and slide it back up to her face, as well as moving her eyelids closed.
"Remember to blink," I muttered.

Aika blinked and blushed deep red, remembering what she'd been staring at
just a few moments ago. She recovered quick, then glanced over to the two
and sighed. "Itami seems better already."

I nodded silently. Itami was almost smiling. Well, smiling as much as Itami
would smile, anyway.

I frowned. "Let's get back to the office. We can visit and reacquaint
ourselves with each other there," I aimed at Itami and H. Itami just
blushed, H giggled like a schoolgirl. "And also get some questions answered."
That one was aimed 100% at H.

                       *****************************

"... and that's when the wall slid up, and you know the rest."

I was, shall we say, amazed. It was an interesting story, which I'll
paraphrase here for brevity. H had been minding her own business at home,
untransformed, when she was attacked. She tried to transform, but they used
these weird runes on her that prevented her from using any of her magical
girl powers. She was tied up, thrown in a sack, and presented to one Akari
Nazo, who decided to use her as a last-resort type thing.

It was about the time when I was going through the story and paraphrasing it
for brevity when she glanced down at one of the pictures on the desk. It was
one of the ones Sato had brought in of Lovely Rhyme and Reason after he'd
got through with her. "Why do you have these?" she asked me.

"Guy named Sato brought them in. He killed her, told us that we were old
news, so I shot him in the face," I explained.

H nodded. "I know who Sato was. He was one of the guys that took me in." She
paused, taking a sip of water. "The other man, I didn't catch his name. Tall
hair, black guy, spoke with a strange accent--"

"Ootaki," I interrupted. "He was the bloody pulp from Nazo's office that we
gave to Aika to feed Murray. That damn buzzard better give us a hefty
discount next time we need weaponry, what with all the corpses we've given
him lately."

Itami went into the back room and came out with a crumpled piece of paper,
which he handed to H. Her face was a giant question mark, but I realized
exactly what it was.

H looked at the letter, and opened it up. Confusion turned to curiosity,
turned to realization, turned to depression as she read the letter. "Itami
... " she purred. "I wrote this a long time ago, and never intended for you
to even see it. Sato and Ootaki or whatever his name was must have found it
and decided to leave it, you know, so you wouldn't go looking for me."

This was unexpected. "... so that really was written by you," Itami said.

"Yes, but ... it was a long time ago, before we started spending so much time
together," she said solemnly.

Itami grunted. I knew exactly what it meant. He accepted her explanation.

"Ohh, Itami!" giggled H as she slid over to his lap and cuddled on him. I
resisted the urge to watch, and instead paid attention to the TV, which
Veracity had been glued to the entire time.

That weird American talk-show host had just introduced a guest, who
announced to the audience that he was sleeping with all five of his wife's
sisters. "What kind of dumbass watches this crap?" I thought aloud.

Veracity simply blinked at me.

"Sorry," I apologized.

                       *****************************

The rest of the evening was rather uneventful. H and Itami went off to
Itami's place to do whatever it is that H and Itami do at their place (I
didn't even want to THINK about it), and I decided to turn in as well,
leaving Veracity by herself at the office.

On the way back home, I got to thinking. What did Nazo mean by, "You should
know the answer to that question much better than I." It was ... unsettling.
Quite obviously, Nazo knew the answers, she'd just not wanted to tell me
straight.

Sleep fell on me like a ton of shojo manga that night; I was out almost as
soon as my head hit the pillow. And I dreamt.

I was alone on a grassy plain which stretched out an infinite distance on
all sides. The sky above was clear with a few wispy clouds, the sun
pleasantly warm. A light breeze blew the scent of wildflowers to me. Birds
chirped around me, though I couldn't see any.

I noticed that I was naked. Very naked. Which was odd, considering that I'd
gone to bed fully clothed. I looked down, and I was female too. Odd. I was
usually male in dreams. I began to walk and explore this dream world, which
wasn't like any other ones ... much more peaceful.

As I walked along, I was overcome by a sense of ... oh, I don't know.
Presence of mind. I could understand everything here, it all made sense. If
only life could be like this in general. Maybe I needed a vacat--Hey,
there's an idea. I just killed Akari Nazo, I deserve a vacation.

"Hello Yoi, might you sit down and have a cup of tea."

I leaped out of my skin as the voice came from behind me; I knew it in an
instant. Ramsbottom. Without turning around, I replied, "Who are you,
really."

"A secret." Ramsbottom paused, letting me get a little annoyed before
continuing. "I'll tell you soon enough."

"If it's so much of a secret, then why did Nazo seem to know?"

A chuckle emanated from behind me, presumably from Ramsbottom. "Ahh, well,
Madame Ultra doesn't seem to know as much as she thinks she does. Now
please, sit down and join me. And if you're worried about your nudity, this
is your dream. You can change it, you know."

My normal business attire appeared around me as I turned around and took a
seat at the tea table that had suddenly appeared. Ramsbottom offered me a
plate of cucumber sandwiches, which I politely refused.

"So why are you in my dream?"

Ramsbottom smirked. "I think that should be quite obvious." As he spoke, I
noticed a slight change. He didn't seem to resemble so much a British gentle
man anymore as ...

"You're ..."

Koi nodded. "You didn't really think you'd gotten rid of me completely, did
you? You managed to shove me out of your subconscious, sure, and now I have
a physical manifestation ..." he paused for a moment, filling up his cup of
tea, "... but I'm still the same old Koi."

It was quite odd. What was formerly Ramsbottom looked just like me. Well,
the male version of me anyway. And he was still wearing that trademark
Ramsbottom suit-with-tails-and-a-bowler-on-top attire. That and it wasn't a
secret anymore.

"I had no idea our female form had such a nice body, by the way," Koi
leered.

I glared back at my alter-ego, who instantly paled. "So Ramsbottom has
always been you?" I asked, trying to break the iciness.

Koi reached for a cucumber sandwich and brought it to his lips, crunching
softly. "Oh hell no," he said after chewing thoroughly and swallowing. "I
still don't really know who the real Ramsbottom is. Maybe he /is/ just a
youma boss who got tired of youma. By the way, have you seen my wallet?"

I paused, digesting the words. "The wallet ... oh yes, Veracity lifted it
from you when you were at the office. That was quite a surprise, seeing
'Kurasaka Yoi' on the driver's license."

Koi grinned and took another bite of his sandwich. "It doesn't matter, the
wallet was just a gimmick. I was just wondering if you'd managed to get it,
or if I'd been pickpocketted."

An awkward silence passed as we stared at each other. "So are you back ... I
mean ... am I harboring you ... "

Shaking his head, Koi set both the sandwich and the tea down. "Heck no. When
you ejected your kamen self so forcefully in the pocket dimension, I went
with, immediately slingshotting back to Earth. I didn't have a form, so I
thought, what the hell, why not try forming into something. When I tried
forming myself into ... well, myself, I found that I couldn't. Something was
preventing me from assuming your form. However, other forms I was able to
assume quite well. Ramsbottom was the first other one I tried, and, well
..."

I took a sip of my tea, and Koi continued. "When I was Ramsbottom, I
instantly acquired all his mannerisms-- and his powers. I think it's a
residual from your kamen self. Do you have any idea what it's like to be
able to freeze time?"

"... no, I wouldn't have any experience there."

"Ahh well, anyway. I ran into Nazo, and we exchanged some heated words. We
started fighting, and she eventually broke free, vowing to destroy me the
next time we met. The next time we met was ... well ... when you met me."

"So I take it the Ramsbottom with the black elderitch goo inside him is the
real one then," I sighed.

Koi shook his head. "I don't think he's the true Ramsbottom either. I don't
know who he is, might have been any one of the elder beings you've been in
contact with, or one you've not been in contact with. The true Ramsbottom
isn't corporeal. Remember in the Magical Women's place?"

Ahh yes, how could I forget. He was ... different then. Come to think about
it, there had been so many different Ramsbottoms that I was having trouble
keeping them straight. "So ... are you going to keep being Ramsbottom, or
..."

My alter-ego chuckled. "No, I don't think EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

I blinked. Why was Koi making such an odd noise? Suddenly I realized.

Wrenching myself awake, I slapped the alarm clock, silencing its awful
screaming. Ugh. Morning already, and I'd barely gotten asleep, or so it
felt.

Damn. And I still had more questions.

                        ****************************

WILL YOI'S QUESTIONS EVER GET ANSWERED? IS THERE ACTUALLY A REAL RAMSBOTTOM?
WHY DID THIS AUTHOR FIND IT NECESSARY TO BRING BACK BOTH KOI AND SAILOR H IN
THE SAME EPISODE? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK ON MAGICAL GIRL HUNTERS, EPISODE 36!
WRITTEN BY: Damien Roc

(or maybe not)

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

My second impro ever! Wai!

I'd like to thank all my prereaders (you know who you are) and especially
Eric Pinnick, without whom the grammar in this chapter would be simply
atrocious. I'd also like to thank ... whoever it was that wrote ispell,
without which there'd still be spelling errors in this thing! The horror!

Anyway, it's been a fun two segs here (I'm previously seen in H!) and I
definitely think you Impro-dwellers will be seeing more of me in the future.

Ach. I'll quit rambling now.