It had been a good couple of weeks.  Good meaning that no top secret
organizations, mysterious and powerful beings, other-worldly demons,
and dubious alternate personalities had tried to kill me, convert me,
or drive me insane. Sure the incident with Devonshire and the
mysterious magical woman had been somewhat disturbing, but in the
past few months, I'd learned to roll with the punches the best I
could, and try to not get my head smashed in.

The period of calm gave us time to finally settle down and take some
real clients.  It was just like the old days, blowing pastel-fukued,
posing, annoying speech giving young girls into very small and bloody
pieces, happy and nary a care in the world.  Could a guy ask for
more?

*****************************
Magical Girl Hunters

Part 36: Sugar and Smiles

By Brickgirl

Edited by Fluffy, the rabid pitbull

Created by Aaron Shattuck (bless his soul)

Disclaimer: Contains extreme gratuitous violence.  Intended only for
the completely mentally deranged.  Consider yourself warned
*****************************

You can generally tell how long a magical girl has been around by
their name.  The oldest and most dangerous, the near-immortal magical
women who have been around for centuries untold, usually have the
nifty mythological names, as they had first pick.  Styx, the
extremely powerful and near-senile guardian of time who I had
encountered a few months ago was one of those.  Trust me, you'd do
best to try to avoid all contact with them.

The more recent magical women and girls who had been around for a few
years or more tended to carry names that somehow described their
beauty, purity, strength of emotion, or just general cuteness.  They
were a really sickening bunch, and they were what had convinced me to
get into this business in the first place.

However, the newest created magical girls had fallen into the "cute
theme" trend.  They tended to be more specialized, such as the former
Lovely Rhyme-and-Reason (whose fault it is that I know all this
crap), focusing all of their happy sparkly energy towards eradicating
one particular "evil".  The problem was, there seemed to be some
unspoken rule that no magical girl could overlap onto another's
territory.  This lead to increasingly ridiculous magical girl groups
who, finding no more groups of evil world-conquering demons, turned
towards more social issues.  Of late, nearly all of our clients had
been perfectly ordinary business people being harassed by the happy
little demons.  Business was booming, and I had no complaints about
it.

Which is how we came to be facing the Happy Shiny Smile Brigade.

Apparently, this group of three magical girls had decided that they
were going to ensure the safety of the teeth of children all
throughout Japan, and had taken it upon themselves to eradicate every
single candy factory they could find.  There was something terribly
ironic about magical girls against all things sugary.

Anyway, Itami, H, and I had tracked the little monsters from their
last "act of healthy goodness" and had them cornered in a large
warehouse.  The three of us walked the aisles of the warehouse,
weapons ready, eyeing the shadows, senses alert.

I've been in the business long enough to know that you can't always
depend on your sight or hearing to let you know of oncoming danger.
For example, this time I was alerted by the scent of mint.

"Down!" I yelled, throwing myself to the floor.  A pale green streak
flew past where my head had been a moment ago.  Damn the ones that
actually tried an attack before they give their speeches.  No sense
of tradition.

Three spotlights appeared from no where (something I still haven't
figured out), illuminating three fukued silhouettes.

"You who would aid the decay of the tooth enamel of children
everywhere beware!" intoned a high-pitched voice.  "We, the Shiny
Happy Smile Brigade, Shiny Soldiers Floss-chan, Brush-chan, and
Paste-chan will . . ."

I popped off a few shots in their direction, hoping to catch them in
mid-speech.  They were too blasted fast though, leaping out of harms
way without even a pause.

" . . . brush out your evil acts!"

"Kami," I muttered, shaking my head.  "They just keep getting worse
and worse."

H's whip snagged Floss-chan's leg in mid-flight, and with a vicious
yank, sent the girl spinning into the ground.  She was back on her
feet fast though, lashing out with a whip of her own that seemed to
be made of, well, floss.  Unwaxed mint floss.

Itami and Brush-chan seemed to be engaged in a duel, Itami with the
latest in his long line of cursed swords, Brush-chan with a large
toothbrush.  That left . . .

"SHINY MINT SURPRISE!"

Half-turning, gun ready, I just caught another green blur before it
hit me in the face, blinding me.  A massive blob of toothpaste.

"That will teach you to aid evil forces, lady!"

I was severely pissed off by now.  I clawed at the mess on my face,
trying to clear my vision enough to rip the little brat's head off.

A sharp, familiar crack echoed, followed by two shrieks of
"Floss-chan!"  That would be H snapping little Floss-chan's neck.  I
smiled under the toothpaste, whipping more away.

I got enough out of my eyes just in time Itami take advantage of
Brush-chan's loss of concentration and run her through.

Two down, one left.  And boy was I in the mood to kill something.

Suddenly, I heard a burst of magical girl music, very unlike the
BSSB.  If anything, it sounded like the jingle of the candy company
that had hired us.

A figure suddenly appeared in the same spot at the BSSB had.  Every
part of her was cotton candy pink, her fuku, her hair, even her eyes
from what I could see.  Instead of a wand, she held a giant-sized
lollipop.

"To deprive children of the sweets they enjoy is a crime I can not
forgive!"  She gestured wildly, nearly hitting herself in the face
with the lollipop.  "I, Sailor Okashi, will sweeten your evil soul!"

Shiny Soldier Paste-chan crawled out from behind a crate where she
had apparently been hiding.  "You disgrace your fellow magical girls
by supporting unhealthy habits, Sailor Okashi!  I will show you the
error of your ways."

Sailor Okashi leapt from the top of the crates, landing a few feet
away from Paste-chan.  "I don't know who you are, but to take away
the dreams and hopes of children is a crime I cannot forgive!"

Paste-chan stepped forward, sneering.  "You already said that you
little pink freak.  Can't you come up with anything original?"

"Shut up you tramp.  Why I ought to . . ."

"SHINY MINT SURPRISE!"

"CUTENESS SUGAR RUSH!"

I dove behind a crate, followed closely by Itami and H.  Toothpaste
and sugar flew everywhere.

"This is getting a little too weird for me," I muttered.  "I've never
heard of magical girls fighting like this."

Itami nodded.  "Odd," he said, with about as much inflection as a
corpse.

H ran her fingers through Itami's hair.  "Come on, you know how rough
us magical girls like to play," she purred seductively.

Itami blushed ever so slightly.

"This is ridiculous."  I peeked around the edge of the crate, then
pulled back just in time to keep from being beheaded by a large piece
of rock candy.  "Somehow, we have to . . ."

A very large explosion cut me off.

Caught unprepared, I was thrown to the ground.  Melted sugar, paste,
and bits of magical girl rained down all around me.  I glanced over
to see that Itami and H were all right.

"Did you . . . ?"  They shook there heads.  "Then what . . .?"

"Mr. Kurasaka, you are beginning to vex me."

Damn.  I recognized that voice.

She appeared without the flourishes of the others, simply striding
across the concrete floor, stepping easily around the nearly
unidentifiable charred bits that lay strewn about.  She was clothed
as before, in the sheer, simple fuku-type outfit and cape in shades
of red, pink, and purple.  The heels of her boots clicked sharply
against the floor.  Her auburn hair flared around her shoulders, her
eyes flashed colored sparks, like opals.  Her aura was just as
intimidating as before.

She paused a few yards from me, looking down into my eyes with an
almost bemused expression.  I could see a barely veiled rage buried
beneath.

"The magical girls you saw today were never supposed to have met.
Your meddling caused the loss of some of my most promising pupils."

I pushed myself up to my knees, doing the best I could to return her
glare.  "I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am about that."

Her smooth voice hardened, just the slightest bit.  "Your sarcasm
isn't appreciated.  This is the second time you have caused me
trouble.  It would probably be . . . healthier for you to stay out of
my way in the future."  She smiled, a smile something of a cross
between a kitten and a shark.  "Just a little warning."

She turned and began to walk off.  I struggled to my feet.  "Who the
hell are you, anyway?"

She paused, turning slowly back towards me.  Those amazing eyes held
me frozen for a brief moment.

"You may call me Kaneko," she said finally.  "That is all you need
know for now."

She moved to leave again, then stopped, as if suddenly remembering
something vital.

"Oh yes, Mr. Kurasaka, I almost forgot to tell you.  Koi says hello."

With a tinkling laugh, she vanished.
__________

"What's the matter Yoi?  PMS got you down?"

"Shut up, H," I muttered.

I expected her to make another smart comment, but she only giggled
and snuggled more firmly into Itami's lap.  Itami's expression didn't
change (I would have been frightened if it had), but he had seemed
more relaxed since we had rescued H from Nazo.  Since H had vaporized
her last fuku, she had somehow generated a new one.  It was similar
to her last one, only red vinyl with a (barely) laced up bodice.  Her
hair had even darkened a few shades to match.

Actually, I WAS in a bad mood.  Partially because I hadn't had a
chance to shoot anything earlier.  But mostly because it seemed that
I was going to be turned into Life's chew toy again.  For someone
with no destiny, I'd been through way too much crap lately.

Suddenly, H cut off in midsqueal. I looked over to see her and Itami
frozen in place.  Sighing, I leaned over and banged my head on my
desk five or six times.

Nigel Ramsbottom, one of them, anyway, suddenly appeared in the chair
across from me.  He wore his bowler as usual, but I noticed he was
without a cup of tea.

"Yoi, old chap!  How delightful to see you again.  I need to talk to
you about . . ."

I held up my hand.  "Whatever you want me to do, you can take your
offer and stuff it."

Nigel gave me his most charming smile.  "My dear boy, I intend
nothing of the sort.  I simply need some information."

I leaned back in my chair.  "Information for information.  I'd like
to finally get some answers from you."

"I'll do what I can."

"First of all, which Ramsbottom are you?"

Nigel broke into laughter.  "I see you have met some of . . .
counterparts," he managed.  "You must have found that a bit
perplexing."

"You don't know the half of it," I muttered.

"Very well, I'll do the best I can.  I presume you understand your
role as the fateless."  I nodded.  "Well, I have a somewhat . . .
different role in the plan of reality.  Suffice to say that in every
occurring dimension, there is a version of me with all the same power
I possess."

That explained the Shubby-chan version.  "But what are they all doing
here?"

"A freak temporal occurrence, nothing serious."

Something in his voice told me that this was a lie, but I decided not
to press the issue right now.  Honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to
know.  "So, are you the Ramsbottom from this dimension?"

"Yes.  As far as I know, I am the first Ramsbottom who ever came into
contact with you.  Which brings me to my question to you, Yoi.  My
associates, whom you previously met, the Magical Women, seem to have
met an . . . unpleasant end.  The odd thing is, the power signature
seemed to imply another magical woman or girl.  I was wondering if
you had encountered such a figure recently, one of great power."

I frowned.  "There is one, I just ran into her earlier today.  The
odd thing is, the first time I met her, she claimed to be associated
with the Magical Women.  She said her name was . . ." I thought back.
"Kaneko."

Nigel paled noticeably.  "Did you say Kaneko?"

"Um, yes."

"Bloody hell."

I leaned forward.  I had never seen Nigel once lose his cool like
this.  "Is that a bad thing?"

Nigel took a deep breath.  "A very bad thing, my boy."

"Who is she."

Nigel adjusted his bowler.  A cup of tea appeared in his hand and he
took a sip before answering.

"Kaneko is what you might call a loose cannon.  She has been around
for about 500 years.  No one even remembers her magical girl name
anymore.  No one knows if she had one to begin with."

A unpleasant feeling was growing deep in the pit of my stomach.  "So
she is one of those immortal-type magical women?"

"No, not at all.  Kaneko's power lies in her own form.  Her identity
as a magical woman serves only to amplify it."

"You're saying she was already an immortal, magical badass without
being transformed?"

"Yes.  But that is not the only problem.  She has proven herself over
the years to be an insane, sadistic monster."  Nigel took another sip
of tea.  "She will need to be stopped."

"What kind of idiot would give a person like that magical girl
powers?"

"Ultra."

My heart skipped a beat at the name.  Anything even tenuously
connected to that angelic bastard had done nothing but give me
trouble since he first walked into our office.  A though struck me.
"Wait, from what Kyo and Mai told me about daddy dearest, it wasn't
until recently that he started pumping out the psychos.  I thought he
took his job seriously back then."

Nigel sighed.  "Kaneko was an exception.  He could deny her nothing,
and her greatest wish was to be a magical girl, like the ones he
created."

"What do you mean 'he could deny her nothing'?"

He silently sipped his tea.

I was getting sick of these games.  I pulled out a revolver from my
trenchcoat pocket and cocked it at him.  "Tell me, damnit!"

He raised an eyebrow at me.  "Really, Yoi, you don't need to resort
to such acts.  I was about to tell you anyway."  He placed his
teacup on the desk.  "Kaneko is Ultra's firstborn."

My heart stopped.  "What?"

"She is his daughter."

I knew I shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning.
__________
__________

Well, I tried to combine details from the last several parts into one
plot.  I hope this attempt suffices.

E-mail comments to Brickgirl@hotmail.com  Flames will be doused.