"Hello, Yoi. Old chap."
Aw shit.
There's only one thing that makes me feel better in a situation like this. No, wait, lots of things would have made me feel better, but the only thing I had access to at the time was a gun...actually, lots of guns. I grabbed a shotgun from under my desk and spun around, but Kyo and Mai were way ahead of me. They were nose to nose with Ramsbottom, angrily trying to stare him down. Ramsbottom stared back, and he was winning. Kyo cracked first.
"How did you get out?" Kyo spat. Ramsbottom smiled smugly in response, which only served to further enrage Kyo and Mai. Ramsbottom's smile grew.
"The details of my...departure, shall we call it, are inconsequential to the both of you," Ramsbottom said. "Unless, of course, you wish to do something about it."
Kyo and Mai glanced at each other; it was clear they didn't think they could win. After a moment, they turned back towards Ramsbottom.
"Not here," Mai sneered.
"Another time, then," Ramsbottom replied. Kyo and Mai nodded curtly then turned and stormed out of the office. After they had left, Ramsbottom, still smiling, turned his attention to me.
"Sorry about the unpleasantness, my boy. The twins seem to have developed a distaste for me. I believe it may have something to do with their current place of employment and their..."
"What do you want, Koi?" I asked, cutting him off.
"Pardon me?"
Ramsbottom's smile had vanished. Now he looked decidedly confused, as did the woman accompanying him.
"Okay, then, which Ramsbottom are you?"
Ramsbottom looked confused for a moment longer, then frowned.
"Yoi, do you recall that last thing I said to you?"
"Yeah, you said 'Cheerio, old chap,' then you disappeared."
Ramsbottom shook his head.
"No, Yoi, the last thing I said to you was to ask me for identification when you next saw me. I assume that you have both encountered me since then and did not ask for identification."
I stared at Ramsbottom. He stared back. Then I realized that he didn't seem to care at all about the shotgun I had.
"Umm...could I see some identification?"
*******************************************************************************************
Improfanfic Presents:
Magical Girl Hunters
Episode 39
"The Thin Line Between Entertainment and War"
A Not Just Awful, God Awful Production
by nihility, a.k.a. Eric Pinnick
Original Concept by Aaron Shattuck
This episode is brought to you by the substances "sugar" and "caffeine" and the time "2:00 a.m."
*******************************************************************************************
Sometimes my own stupidity amazes me. I had remembered to check Ramsbottom for ID, and had succeeded in finding a driver's license with my name on it. Then, after accomplishing that tremendous feat of memory, I had forgotten about it entirely.
"Yes, Yoi, you may see some identification. Shoot me."
He didn't have to ask me twice. The shot tore through his chest; black ichor immediately filled the hole. I swallowed.
"Yeah...that'll do."
Itami, H, and Aika burst in a few moments later. As all hell broke loose, I silently cursed that fact that I couldn't have simply joined the Yakuza. They get to kill plain old humans...
*******************************************************************************************
"Just hurry up and ask him, Itami."
"..."
The office was a shambles, Veracity was in shock over the loss of her TV, and the woman who had arrived with Ramsbottom was hiding under Veracity's desk. Itami, H, Aika, and I were fine. Ramsbottom seemed fine as well, despite the fact that Itami's sword was sticking out of his chest. The fight had been highly destructive; luckily, Ramsbottom hadn't actually fought back. Itami, H, and Aika had realized this and stopped after about fifteen seconds of wanton destruction. They later told me that they had left the office across the street as soon as Ramsbottom had shown up, heard the gunshots on the way over, and assumed the worst. Better safe than sorry, I suppose. Besides, the office needed to be remodeled anyway.
"Just ask him. I want to get on with this," I admonished Itami.
Itami scowled, then spoke.
"Gimme my sword back."
Ramsbottom smiled and raised an eyebrow expectantly. Itami bristled, then swallowed his pride.
"Please."
Itami did not enjoy asking nicely for things. I only remember hearing say "please" a few times in all the years I've known him.
Ramsbottom smiled smugly and pulled the sword from his chest.
"There you go, Itami. Now that wasn't so bad, was it?"
I had seen Itami glare many times before, but the look he gave Ramsbottom as he took his sword back outdid them all.
"Okay," I said, trying to break the tension, "Let's get down to business."
"Certainly Yoi."
Silence filled the room. I stared at Ramsbottom, Ramsbottom stared at me, Aika stared back and forth between the two of us, Veracity stared at the remains of the TV, H helped Itami to clean the ichor off of his sword, and the lady under the desk remained under the desk. Nobody spoke. After a few minutes, I cleared my throat.
*ahem*
"Yes, Yoi?"
"You came to us, Ramsbottom."
"Indeed I did. How astute of you, my boy."
"So what did you want?"
"Oh, come now, chap, can't an old friend who's been away stop by to say hello?"
"Of course. So what did you want?"
Ramsbottom feigned shock.
"You wound me."
"I'll bet. Now talk, or leave."
"Yoi, you and I both know that you could not make me leave, even if you wanted to. However, in the interest of good relations, I shall be forthcoming."
"How kind of you." I replied. And yes, the sarcasm was dripping from my words.
"Indeed. I came because I wish to ask you about your dealings during the past several months, and because I have a proposition for you."
"Okay, we can talk, but first, who's your girlfriend?"
"Ah, yes. That would be Jane, Phil's replacement as my assistant."
"She get dental with that?"
Ramsbottom was beginning to look slightly annoyed. I figured that was a good thing; it meant that something was keeping him in the office, despite the fact that I was getting on his nerves. If he wanted something from me, I stood a chance of getting something from him.
"Mr. Kurasaka, I'll be brief. First, why did you attack Nazo?"
"She got on my nerves."
"Good enough. Second, I would like to make you the following offer: in exchange for your alignment, I shall arrange, among other things, for you to become a man once more."
I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I wanted to shout "YES" immediately, but I checked myself. It was far too likely that Ramsbottom was simply telling me what I wanted to hear. Besides, after living this long as a woman, I could wait a while longer.
"And what does my 'alignment' entail?" I asked after getting myself under control.
"It means that you shall become Chaos."
Another silence filled the room. Then Ramsbottom stood and tipped his hat.
"I shall return for your answer at another time. Be sure to ask for identification. Good day."
"Wait!"
Ramsbottom stopped in mid-teleport, which was even stranger to watch than you can imagine.
"Yes, Yoi? Something the matter?"
"Yeah. What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Ramsbottom sighed slightly, then sat down again.
"Do I have to explain everything to you, my boy? Have you learned nothing in all of this time?"
"Nope. Now talk."
"Very well. I understand that Nazo told you of the various powers and the reasons for their interest in you. I have an interest in you as well. I wish for you to become Chaos. The fateless before you have been unimportant, as you have been told, while you have already done a great deal. If the pattern of the fateless is followed, you will have to make a choice. I desire that you do something else. I desire that you not simply side with Chaos, but instead become it. Become its champion, if you will."
By this point, I had almost all but tuned Ramsbottom out. This fate and destiny crap was completely worthless. However, he had offered to pay with something quite dear to me, so I figured I could at least pursue the matter a bit.
"That's great, Ramsbottom. Now is there anything you wanted me to actually do, or were you gonna just spout nonsense all day?"
"Yes, Yoi, there is something I want you to do. I want you to kill magical girls."
Now it was my turn to be condescending.
"In case you missed the sign on the door, pal, that's what we do all the time. Which magical girls did you have in mind?"
"All of them. In particular, the first one."
Itami let out a low whistle, and H and Aika shared looks of glee. Personally, I thought it was a joke. Kill the first magical girl? He might as well have asked us to kill a god.
"That's a pretty big job," I said. "Actually, I don't thing it could possibly get any bigger. What kind of payment can you give us?"
Ramsbottom smiled.
"Yoi, my boy, if you can complete this task, the payment will be greater than you can possibly dream."
Ramsbottom again stood up and tipped his hat. This time I didn't try to stop him.
*******************************************************************************************
After we had straightened up the room a bit and swept up the broken glass, we sat down to discuss what had happened.
"Okay, anybody have any ideas about what the hell's been going on lately?" I asked to nobody in particular. Nobody in particular answered.
"Okay," Veracity said, "Perhaps it would help to think about what we know and what we don't know."
"Sounds good," I replied. "So where do we start?"
"Ramsbottom," Itami growled. Did I mention that Itami really hated saying please? H snuggled up against him.
"You're so cute when you're angry, Ita-chan," H purred. As Aika, Veracity and I tried to stifle snickers, Itami shot us a look that quite clearly said, "If you say so much as a single word, I will personally rip out your liver and feed it to you." It was similar to the look that he gave tourists foolish enough to ask him directions. It was pretty effective.
"Ramsbottom. Right. Okay, we know that there is more than one, right?" I asked.
The rest of the group nodded in agreement.
"Okay, and we know that at least one of them is actually Koi."
"No," Veracity replied.
"Huh?"
"We don't know for certain."
"Whatever. Now what about the information that we've been given?"
"Unreliable," Itami said.
"Very unreliable," Aika agreed.
"Yeah, unreliable is definitely a good way to put it. We should be wary of Ramsbottom's offer, but the pay definitely sounds good. What do we know is a lie?"
"If we don't know what the truth is, identifying lies is very difficult," Veracity said.
"Ugh. This is giving me a headache. What about Kaneko?"
"She's a complete unknown. Perhaps we should find out if the Magical Women are really dead," Veracity suggested.
"Sounds good. Think you could check up on your old team, H?"
"Sure. But not tonight. I have other plans," she said as she snuggled even closer to Itami.
"Whatever. Just try to do it soon, okay? Now, what about our contract?"
"Let's do it tomorrow," Itami said.
"Fine. That okay with you, Aika?"
"Sure," Aika replied.
"Good. Now I'm gonna get me a drink."
*******************************************************************************************
After combing through the piles of wreckage that the office had become, I eventually came across a jug of sake. It was big, white, and had the words "Lovely Lieutenant Diesel's Private Stash - Don't Touch!" written on it.
"What the hell," I thought, "The kid's stuff is bound to be pretty good."
I unscrewed the cap and began to drink. After all, when was the last time I did what I was told?
*******************************************************************************************
INTERIOR - THE MAGICAL GIRL HUNTERS OFFICE - DAY
Super-Deformed versions of Yoi, Itami, Veracity, and Aika are chasing a super-deformed Murray around the office. Desks and chairs are knocked over, lambs are broken, and the room is in a shambles as Murray frantically tries to evade capture. Murray is holding a small piece of white fabric in his mouth.
Yoi: You'll never get away with this, Murray!
Veracity: Stop, you loathsome creature! Stop!
Itami: KillitkillitkillkillkillIwannaslicehisuglylittleheadoffkillkill!
Aika: BRING BACK MY PANTIES! MURRAY NO HENTAI!!!
This continues for several minutes until Yoi notices the camera and stops short.
Yoi: Hey, everyone, there's the camera! Time to start!
All of the characters except for Murray stop short and turn to face the camera. Murray utters a prayer of thanks and flies out an open window.
Veracity: Hello everyone! We're glad you made it here! It's...
Aika: A random point in the story! Wai! Wai!
Itami: Anditalsohappenstobeepisode39!
Yoi: Which means that...
Veracity: For no readily apparent reason...
Aika: It's time for...
All: THE MAGICAL GIRL HUNTERS SUPER-DEFORMED HALLUCINATION! WAI!!!
Yoi: We're gonna have lots of continuity-free fun!
Aika: Wai! And stuff!
Itami: AndI'mgonnamakeupfor39episodesofalmostnevertakingbytalkingincrediblyfast! Ihopeyoudon'tmind! AndIamalsotryingreallyhardtotalkwheneverIcan! BecauseafterallIhavehadmaybeonehunderedlinesinthisstory! Heywowyouarestillreadingthis,thatisamazing! Anyway,IalmostnevertalksohereIgoalright!
Itami takes a huge breath, sucking up an enormous amount of air. Yoi and Aika start to struggle to breathe, then fall to the floor while grasping their necks.
Yoi: Need...air...
Aika: Lungs...burning...
Veracity: You know, there is a window open, so you shouldn't be struggling for air.
Aika and Yoi sweatdrop.
Aika and Yoi: Oops.
Veracity: And away we go!
EXTERIOR - A PARK - DAY
Yoi, Aika, Itami, Veracity, and H are in a beautiful park on a lovely summer day. All around them, families are picnicking, lovers are smooching, people are tormenting dogs by throwing Frisbees, God's in his heaven, and all's right with the world.
Yoi: It's picnic time! Yahoo!
Aika: Wai!
Itami: Wowthisisgreatapicnicohboyohboyohboy!
Veracity: How nice! What did everybody bring?
H reaches behind her back and pulls out a huge plate of sushi. It is a culinary masterpiece, beautiful and delicious-looking.
H: Here's what I made. It isn't much, but...
Yoi and Itami drool and Veracity nods approvingly. Aika, however, looks rather embarrassed and worried.
Yoi: That's incredible, H!
Itami: Yeah,that'sincredible! Ihadnoideayouweresuchagoodcook.
H: Why thank you. My real name is Kasumi, after all.
Red, blinking, neon question marks flash over Yoi and Itami's heads.
Yoi and Itami: Huh?
Veracity thinks for a moment, then nods her head in understanding.
Veracity: Yes, I guess that makes sense. It's only natural that you should want to cut loose every now and then. After all, being a god must be hard work.
H sighs in agreement.
H: Yes, it certainly is. So much to keep track of.
Veracity: So, what kind of rice did you use to...
H and Veracity begin discussing cooking. Meanwhile, Yoi and Itami are both completely confused. Aika is beginning to tiptoe away from the picnic when Yoi snaps out of his confused stupor.
Yoi: Hey, Aika, what did you bring?
Aika stops short, and looks very unhappy about being noticed. She appears to contemplate running for moment, then turns towards Yoi.
Aika: Um...I forgot.
Yoi looks surprised.
Yoi: Really? I thought you were really excited about cooking for the picnic? Hey, if you forgot, then what's in that picnic basket?
Aika: What picnic basket?
Yogi Bear: THIS pic-a-nic basket!
Yogi Bear runs by Aika and grabs the basket.
All: HEY! YOU'RE NOT IN THIS STORY! YOU AREN'T EVEN JAPANESE!
Yogi Bear stops and turns toward the group.
Yogi Bear: Devonshire was American.
All: THAT DOESN'T COUNT!
Yogi Bear: But all I wanted was a sandwich!
Aika: Um...er...ano...
Yoi: What is it, Aika?
Aika: Umm...(whispers something inaudible)
Yoi: Huh?
Aika: (whispers something inaudible)
Yoi: Speak up, Aika.
Aika: THERE AREN'T ANY SANDWICHES!!!!!!!
Yoi is knocked over by the force of Aika's voice.
Yogi Bear: Hey! She's right! There's nuttin' in this pic-a-nic basket but some burnt toast!
Mass facefault; Aika blushes badly.
Aika: I forgot!
Itami: Youforgotwhat? Hey,waitasec,Ineedmorelines,soI'mjustgonnaimprovisesomethingrealquick.
H: Well, this is IMPROfanfic, after all.
Rimshot. Groans can be heard from the audience.
Veracity: We have an audience?
Itami: Wow! Howdidwemissthat? Anyway,asIwassaying,Ineedmorelines! SohereIgo!
Dead silence.
H: What did you want to say?
Itami: Gimme a minute! I can't think of anything!
Mass facefault.
Aika: Itami! You talked at a normal speed! Wai!
Yoi: Hey, Aika, what did you forget?
Aika: Um...well...I forgot that I'm the youngest female protagonist character in this story.
Yoi: So?
Aika: This is an anime-style story.
Yoi: So?
Veracity hits her palm with the side of her fist.
Veracity: I get it! It means that she's not allowed to be able to cook!
Yogi Bear: This is an anime-style story?
All: YES!
Yogi Bear: Uh-oh...
Yoi pulls out a huge gun from his chibi-trenchcoat and blasts Yogi Bear into oblivion.
Aika: You killed Yogi Bear! You bas...I mean, WAI!
Itami: Wow,thatwasreallygood,Yoi! Howdidyoumanagetokillhim? Afterall,thisisasuper-deformed-style-bit,andeveryoneknowschibiscan'tdie.
Yoi: Well, I reasoned that, since he wasn't a super-deformed character, I could kill him.
Veracity: And you were right.
Aika: WAI!
H (sounding sage-like and wise): Wai, indeed.
Suddenly, a Youma appears. It snarls and growls and makes like it is only seconds away from bringing hot, bloody death to anyone present. Many people are noticeably annoyed at the slavering hell beast's sudden intrusion, but none panic or seem particularly frightened at all. The Youma pauses and attempts to ponder the meaning of this non-reaction. Unfortunately, its intellectual capacity is rather limited, so it just goes back to its snarling and growling bit again. After a couple minutes of this, a well-endowed adolescent girl, wearing what looks like a combination of a fairy-tale princess' outfit and a way too short miniskirt leaps out of nowhere and sternly faces the reptilian abomination.
Princess Love: Hold, foul creature! It is I, protector of the innocent, Princess Love!
Itami: Oro?
Many of the assembled "victims" go back to their previous activities. By now, this has become a familiar scene.
Princess Love gesticulates madly, her arms quickly making out patented poses with precision accuracy.
Princess Love: You have committed heresy against Love with your unpleasantness! But have no fear, I shall change your wicked ways with power of song!
Yoi: What's the name of this park?
Veracity: Ureshii Park
Itami: Ohnoohnoohnohnoohnoohno! Thisisreallyreallyreallybad!
Yoi: She's gonna sing!
Princess Love (singing): Hate is very, very bad! We should love instead!
Yoi: The plot has looped back on itself!
Itami: Ohbloody! Whatshouldwedo?!
Irresponsible Captain Tylor: I think we should run away.
Aika: Who are you?
Yoi: Who cares? RUN!
The group runs off as the shooting begins. Luckily for the story, as well as the time-space continuum of the universe, Yoi and Itami do not notice the super-deformed versions of themselves running away.
Veracity: I thought it was a nice song.
INTERIOR - A KARAOKE BAR - EVENING
Yoi, Itami, Aika, Veracity, and H sit in a karaoke bar. Several empty bottles lie on their table. Suddenly, Aika stands up.
Aika: Come on, everyone, let's sing!
The group rushes to the karaoke machine, where Aika selects a song. "Amish Paradise" by Weird Al begins playing. The group stares in confusion.
Itami: Whatthehellisthisgaijincrap? Ican'tunderstandawordofit!
Aika: Aie! I picked the wrong song!
Yoi: No problem, we'll just make up out own words! Go!
Yoi (rapping):
As I kill magic girls while they sing in the park
I take a look at my life and realize it's pretty dark
But that's just perfect for an assassin like me
You know I hate stupid things like morality
At eleven at night I'm killing girls
Itami hacks them up as they whirl
Itami (rapping):
baka
Yoi (rapping):
And we've been killin' and cappin' so fast
That even Sailor Moon thinks her time is past
We're people with guns, we live to kill
We'll whack all the girls, just pay our bill
And if you give us info and pay in advance
Then on their broken corpses you can dance
Aika and Veracity (singing):
We've been spending most our lives
Living in a fuku paradise
Itami likes to slice and dice
Living in a fuku paradise
Put some magic girls on ice
Living in a fuku paradise
Carnage is our only vice
Living in a fuku paradise
Yoi (rapping):
A magic girl hit me with a beam the other day
So I smiled at her as I blew her away
It really did sting, it hurt like hell
That's why I shot her 57 times before she fell
But we ain't never killed no girls without being paid to
Well, maybe once or twice, but...
Yoi stops rapping.
Itami: Whydidyoustop?
Yoi: I can't think of a rhyme. Just skip to the chorus.
H (singing):
Hole in your head, soon you'll be dead
Buried, and to the worms you'll be fed
Aika: Wai!
Veracity: That was disgusting.
H: Oh, come on now, it wasn't that bad.
Veracity: Yes, it was that bad.
Itami: Shedoesn'thavetotakethatfromyou! YoulikedtheHappyHealingSong!
INTERIOR - A THEATER - TIME UNKNOWN
Yoi and Itami sit in the center of a large, ornate theater. On the stage, a long line of characters stands. Each one has met their death at the hands of either Yoi or Itami. Some appear angry, others look confused, and a few seem sad and mournful. Itami and Yoi both look confused.
Yoi: What the hell is this?!
Itami: Idunno,itlooksbadbutIreallycan'tsayforsure.
Princess Love steps forward and walks to the center of the stage. She looks very grave and stern.
Princess Love: Welcome, Yoi Kurasaka and Itami Daikoku. Welcome to your redemption. You shall now both face the victims of your violence. If we deem you wor...
Yoi: Hey, wait a sec, you aren't dead anymore. Why are you here?
Princess Love: Oops.
Princess Love disappears in a poof of smoke. Captain Kawaii moves forward to take her place.
Captain Kawaii: As Princess Love was saying, if we deem you worthy, you shall be allowed to...
Yoi: Hey, we didn't kill you, Ramsbottom did.
Captain Kawaii: You killed me the first time.
Yoi: Then why did Princess Love disappear?
Princess Love reappears in a poof of smoke, exactly where Captain Kawaii is standing. They become fused together, resulting in a combination of Captain Kawaii and Princess Love.
Itami: Hey,lookatthat,they'reonepersonnow. Youknowwhatthatmakesthem,Yoi?
Yoi: What?
Captain Kawaii/Princess Love: CAPTAIN LOVE!!
Yoi and Itami: Aie!
H and Aika suddenly run onto the stage, pushing aside the assembled victims.
Aika: Wai!
H: Wai!
Aika: Wai!
H: Wai!
They reach Captain Love and stop short, both staring in horror.
Aika and H: Why?!
Captain Love: Fear not! Appearance is unimportant. Only our sworn duty to protect the innocent matters, and this form allows us to do that more effectively than each of us could separately.
Lumi-chan: Wai! That's honorable, Captain Love!
Yoi and Itami begin twitching.
Itami: Where...the hell...did she...come from?!
Yoi: She's a girl.
Itami: Looksthatway.
Yoi: I think she might be magical.
Itami is beginning to catch on to Yoi's meaning. He turns to look at Yoi and smiles.
Itami: Yeah,Ithinkthoselightbulbsmightbemagical.
Yoi and Itami are looking at each other and smiling broadly now.
Yoi: You know what that makes her?
Yoi and Itami: A MAGICAL GIRL!
Yoi and Itami pull weapons out from under their seats and charge at Lumi-chan.
Lumi-chan: Aieeee!
Yoi and Itami chase Lumi-chan off of the stage and out of the theater. After they have left, the assembled victims pull off their disguises, revealing that they are all Ramsbottoms.
Ramsbottom #45: Another failure.
Ramsbottom #29: Yes. It is unfortunate.
Ramsbottom #18: Indeed. But now we have the final two.
Ramsbottom #65: The time is at hand.
Ramsbottom #1: Seize them.
All of the Ramsbottoms except for #1 turn to face Aika and H. Aika and H sweatdrop. Then, and army of Koi clones appears across the stage from the army of Ramsbottoms. They each pull daisies from behind their backs, and as one they transform into kamens.
H: We should leave now.
Aika: Wai!
Army of Koi (in unison): Fear not! We shall defend you from these wretched villains!
Ramsbottom #1: This makes no sense at all.
Army of Koi (in unison): We know.
EXTERIOR - A CAMPFIRE - NIGHT
Yoi, Itami, Aika, Veracity, and H sit around a campfire. It is a beautiful spring night, and cicadas can be heard chirping in the background.
All: THERE ARE NO CICADAS IN THE SPRING!
Reality comes to a grinding halt in the face of this error, and the universe explodes. The explosion slowly resolves itself into the form of a hand slapping the universe. Then, everything goes white.
*******************************************************************************************
I awoke to the pleasant sensation of being slapped across the face. I sat up, and immediately regretted it; I had a hangover of Godzillian proportions.
"Wha? Wha happ'ned?" I wisely asked as my eyes slowly came into focus. After a few moments, I could make out the blurry images of Itami and Aika standing over me. After a few more moments, I realized that they looked worried. Then I noticed we were in a rather dirty alley. That's when I started getting worried, too. I had just noticed that Aika's mouth was moving when the sound of her voice broke through the haze clouding my mind.
"...ear me? Yoi, please, can you hear me?"
"Yeah, I c'n hear ya. Now wha happ'ned?"
"A lot," Itami replied. "Let's get you home."
*******************************************************************************************
I awoke the next day in excruciating pain. I was in my apartment, though I had no idea how I had gotten there. Then I began to remember.
"Wow...that was some damn good sake," I said to nobody in particular. Then I stumbled out of bed and into my kitchen to get some water. I was on my second liter before I realized that Itami and Aika were asleep in my living room.
*******************************************************************************************
I wanted answers, and I wanted them bad. However, my partners didn't want to give them to me, or stand within ten meters of me. It seems that passing out in an alley makes you smell bad. Imagine that. After I had showered and discovered that I now had a tattoo of Criminal Princess Love on my ass, they were willing to talk to me.
"Okay, thanks for dragging me home, guys. Now, would you mind telling me what I did?"
My rescuers looked at each other uneasily. After about a minute of silence, Aika turned to Itami.
"You know him best."
Itami nodded, and began to speak.
"I was at my apartment with H when Veracity called me from the office. She said that you'd been drinking, then you ran out while babbling about Murray. I picked up Aika and went looking for you while Veracity watched the news and listened to the police scanner."
I didn't like the sound of that.
"You went to Murray's and picked up a big gun you had ordered from him," Itami continued, counting off the events on his fingers. "Then you robbed a sushi bar. Then you blew up a bear at the Shinjuku Petting Zoo. Then..."
"Wait a sec," I interrupted, "A bear in a petting zoo?"
"Yeah, it was donated in memory of the Shinjuku Petting Zoo Custodians. Anyway, then you went to the Happy Cute Karaoke Bar, where you ran into Lovely Captain Brutus."
"You mean the one we're supposed to kill?"
"Yeah. You chased her through a theater while screaming about a 'Captain Love,' then into an alley. Then you killed her. We found you with some bums passed out by an oil drum with a fire in it."
I had never heard Itami say that much at once in all the years I'd known him. The worry and fear that he'd been through was evident in his face, even though anyone else would have probably thought that he looked the same as he always did.
"Everyone...I'm sorry...I have no idea how this could have happened...I didn't even drink that much...I...I...woah, wait a second...Veracity was watching the news? Isn't the TV broken? Hey..."
Itami was looking like he always did, just more worried. Aika, however, was chewing on her lower lip. I'd seen her do it before when she wanted to laugh but couldn't.
"What's so funny, Aika?"
That did it; she completely lost it. First she started snickering. Then she was giggling. Then she was rolling on the floor, laughing so hard that tears were streaming down her face.
"Itami, what the hell is going on?"
That's when Itami lost it. First he snickered. Then he snickered some more. Then he stopped.
"Sorry, Yoi," he said after his version of a laughing fit was over.
"You mean that was a joke?"
Itami nodded, and did his best approximation of a shit-faced grin.
"What? But...how did you...I mean...all that stuff you said..."
"You were talking in your sleep!" Aika laughed out from the floor. "We found you in a tattoo parlor! That stuff you were drinking was like super-concentrated alcohol!" That was about all Aika could say; by then, she was struggling for breath from the combination of laughing and talking.
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We spent the rest of the day cleaning the office. My hangover kept me from helping much, but I tried anyway. After we had cleared out the debris and salvaged what wasn't destroyed, I headed back to my apartment to sleep. Ramsbottom was waiting for me.
"Hello, old chap. I hear you had a bit of excitement last night."
"Yeah, whatever. Which one are you."
"The same one as last time, Yoi. The first one you met."
"Sure. Let's see some ID"
Ramsbottom didn't reply; he did look decidedly confused, however.
"Identification, Ramsbottom. Now."
"What are you talking about, my boy?"
"Hello, Koi."
"He's back," Koi said. His voice was sharp and controlled, but underneath the control was anger. A lot of anger.
"Yes, Koi, the demon Ramsbottom, or whatever you want to call him, is back."
Koi was almost shaking with anger. I was trying to act calm and cool, but inside I was starting to get scared. Even though he wasn't an ichor-bodied demon, he was still powerful. My hand began moving towards the gun in my pocket. Then Koi closed his eyes shook his head. When he looked at me again, the anger was gone.
"Very well, Yoi. I'll see you soon."
And with that, he vanished.
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Wai! It's done!
Thanks to Nihil(Neo/Freezy/Void/Word-of-the-day)Puu, and Aaron Shattuck, and Ian Heafer.
Special thanks to Damien Roc and Matt Campbell for lots of good input.
Huge amounts of gratuitous thanks and adulation to my heaven-sent girlfriend April for whapping me upside the head when the hallucination bit got too weird (it could have been much worse) and for thinking up, among other things, The Picnic Scene, as well as helping me with lots of other bits and generally being wonderful.
April: Wai! ^_^
nihility: Ain't she cute?
April: Smile for the nice people, Eric! ^_^
nihility: ^_^...this is making my face hurt, April...
April: But you look so cute! ^_^
nihility: Please don't call me cute...^_^;;