There are times that I hate waking up.  Take today for
instance. Waking up hung over for the second day in a row is
never fun, though I find that it's not quite so bad if you had
actually gotten drunk the night before.  I was still reeling from
the sake from two nights ago.  This wasn't like me, I need to
drink more, build up that tolerance again.  But that's not what
made getting up this particular morning so bad.  It's was the man
in the bowler I saw staring back at me.  'Good morning my boy.'
That damn English accent of his was really wearing thin.

Improfanfic Presents

Magical Girl Hunters

Episode 40

By Ian Heafer

A Down to the Wire production

Original Story Concept:  Aaron Shattuck

     While I don't normally sleep in my trench coat, I found it
advantageous this morning as it meant I didn't have to reach all
the way over to the side of the bed to grab a pistol.  What was I
saying about hating this morning, forget all that, shooting
Ramsbottom square between the eyes helped to make the morning
much better.
     Black oozed out from the bridge of his nose filling the hole
I had just made, 'Really old boy,' he said, 'that wasn't really
necessary was it.'
     'Nah, maybe not, ' I said putting the gun down, 'but I can't
say I really enjoy your company first thing in the morning.  What
the hell are you doing here anyway.'
     'I'm hurt Yoi,' Ramsbottom said mockingly, 'all I wanted to
know was if you've had time to think about my offer.'
     'What, all that fateless crap? How you want me to become
some Champion of Chaos?'  Ramsbottom nodded, 'I think I'm getting
sick of all of these people wanting me to decide a certain way
when I have to make some decision.  I think you all need to find
some other schmuck to be your pawn. I could give a damn about
being the fateless and what it means to you.'
     'Now Yoi,'  Ramsbottom started.
     'Though, I guess if I'm gonna be stuck in the role of the
schmuck,' I added as I stood up, 'you've had the best offer yet.'
     'Really?'
     'Well, all you really want me to do for now is to kill
magical girls.  I would have done that even if you hadn't asked.'
     'And I'm sure that my promise to make you male again doesn't
sour the deal any?'  Ramsbottom added. 
     'Not at all.'
     'So that means I can count on you to become Chaos when the
time comes then.  Good form boy.  Simply smashing.'
     'Hold up there Ramsbottom.' I did my best to get right in
his face, 'Don't go putting words in my mouth, I haven't agreed
to anything yet.'
     'Not a problem my boy.' Not letting me get to him one bit,
'there's still plenty of time before you have to make a decision. 
Don't feel rushed.  Though it's good to hear that I'm in the
running.  Right, well I'm off then.'  
     'One last thing.' I caught him as he was fading out of
existence.
     'What can I do for you lad?'
     'You wanted me to kill The First.'
     'Very little would please me more.'
     'Well, who is she? Hunting down the first magical girl is
tricky when I don't even know her name'
     Ramsbottom head up a finger, 'Ah ah ah, Yoi.  That would be
telling, It's not something you need to know just yet.'
     'It's not that Kaneko girl is it?'
     'All in good time, my boy, all in good time.'  With that he
vanished.

     Seeing that there was very little I could about it at the
time, I let what my conversation with Ramsbottom bother me all
the way to the office.  First he want's me to do all of this for
him, become his champion, and now he's with holding information
from me.  What gives?  Well, I guess that's just the way he is,
wanting to be shrouded in enigma.  Now if there weren't so damn
many of him.
     Veracity was at her desk reading as I came in, 'Good morning
Yoi.  Here a little early this morning aren't you?'
     I fished around in my pocket for my watch.  The metal band
was too loose around my smaller wrists and I've been too lazy or
too busy to do anything about it.  Well, I guess I was here a
little early, after my encounter with Ramsbottom I hadn't
bothered to check the time.  'Been thinking,' I said, 'figured
here was as good of a place as any to do it.'
     Veracity didn't press the matter any, she just nodded and
went back to her book.  That didn't bother me a bit, I wasn't
really in the mood to talk to anyone just yet.  It would probably
be a while before Itami and the others got here so I just went
into the back to throw some darts.  Ramsbottom's offer was
tempting.  Agree to keep doing my job and I get to be a man
again.  It couldn't be that simple, it never was.  I guess I had
better find out what being this Champion of Chaos would entail
and what what else Ramsbottom would want from me then.  I pulled
the darts out of the board and started throwing again.  Still I
don't like it when my options are limited like this.  I'll have
to do something about that.  What do I want?  I want these
supernatural types to leave me alone and let me get back to my
job of eradicating frilly, bubbly, prepubecent champions of
justice.  Oh, being a man again would be a big plus.  Though of
course, I'll probably need the help of one of those supernatural
types to get that way which means they'll want something from me
too.  Dammit,  I hate it when things are complicated.
     None of the other guys have problems like this.  We lost
that sword that wanted Itami's soul.  H was perfectly happy
killing magical girls and shacking up with my partner.  And Aika. 
My dart shot weakly though the air catching the metal rim of the
dart board and clattering on the floor.  Though it was probably
the residual Kamen effect taking hold, but I was worried about
her.  Hopefully she was able to work things out with the shrink. 
Though now that I was thinking about it I needed to know, like
getting hungry when talking about food.  
     I rummaged around till I found the doctors card.  I was on
hold with the secretary for a while but I got through to him. 
'Yes, what can I do for you Miss Kurasaka.'
     You can't hurt someone over the phone, well not easily
anyway. That and I wanted information so I let it slide, taking
out my anger out on an innocent pencil that had the misfortune to
be next to the phone.  'Yes,' I forced out in what I hoped was a
civil tone of voice, 'I was wondering about a magical girl I
referred to you,Pretty Deadly.  Was she able to work out her
problems with you?'
     'Pretty Deadly?'  He thought about it for a moment, 'You
know that it's not really good policy to discuss my patients with
other people.'
     I rolled my eyes, took a deep breath, civil, need to be
civil.  'I don't need any details Doctor.  I just want to know if
you were able to help her.  Please,' I asked,trying to channel
some of that women's charm, 'she's a good friend of mine and I
need to know.'
     'Well to tell you the truth,' he cleared his throat, 'She
only came for the initial consultation.  We set up a couple more
sessions, but she never showed.  She didn't look like I had
helped her from that first visit.  If you see her please tell her
that if she want's this to work she has to come back.'
     'All right doc, I will.  Thanks.'  Great, she hadn't been
going.  Well, I guess she doesn't want the doctors help, not that
I blame her.  Well I guess I'll have to figure something else
out.
     I wasn't going to have the time to do that right now. 
Veracity poked her head into the room.  'Yoi, there's a Lovely
Lieutenant Diesel here for you.'   
     I nodded and Diesel came stomping into the room.  She took a
long drag from her cigarette and looked up at me.  'I heard you,
did my sister in the other day.'
     I tried my best not to look surprised.  After that damn sake
and the story Itami and Aika weaved, I'm still trying to figure
out what did and didn't happen that night.  'Y, yeah, that's
right.  I thought that's what you wanted.'
     Diesel finished her cigeratte and flicked the butt into the
trash can across the room.  I was surprised how well this girl
could hold herself, if she wasn't the size of a six year old, she
may have been imposing.  'Yeah, that's what I wanted.  Though I
was afraid that you had forgotten the other half of the deal.'
     That I hadn't forgotten, it's not all that often when my
clients take out a contract on themselves.  In fact this is only
the second time I remember it happening.  'Not for a second.'
     She went over towards the window and took a long look
outside.  I couldn't blame her either, I didn't know that the
office had such a damn good view this time of day.  She lit
another smoke and turned around.  She stood there for a while
with her eyes closed.  After a moment she opened one eye a crack,
'Well?'
     I didn't get it, 'Well what?'
     'What are you waiting for?'
     'Not wasting any time, are you?'
     She opened her eyes completely, 'Now's as good a time as
any.'
     'We can't do it here.'
     It was her turn to be confused, 'The hell are you talking
about.'
     I slid my foot back and forth, 'Well, if I took you out
here, I'd stain the carpet.'
     If she didn't try so hard to be serious, I swear that Lovely
Lieutenant Diesel would have facefaulted upon hearing that. 
'You, what!?'
     'Well, what can I say?  Have you ever tried to get blood
stains out of carpet?'  Not that it really mattered to me all
that much, but I didn't feel like having to clean up after
myself, even if I was getting paid.  'I mean, what's the rush?'
     'Look, if it's that big a deal to you, we'll go someplace to
take care of it then.'  She stomped out of the room, 'I for one
want to get this over with.'
     Fine with me, I followed her out, 'If anyone calls, I'll be
on the roof.' I told Veracity as we left.
     We walked down the hall and waited for the elevator, Diesel
turned and looked at me,  'Can I ask you a question?'
     'Wasn't that a question?' I replied.
     'Don't be smart with me, I'm serious.'
     'Fine, fine, shoot.'
     'Why do you do it, I mean, what made you want to become a
hunter?  It's not really a profession little kids dream about.'
     'Well, you're only the second magical girl I've met, that's
entertained suicide.'  I countered.
     'I have my reasons.'
     'Really?'
     'You gonna answer me or not?'
     'All right, all right.'  The elevator chimed as the doors
slid open.  You'd think an halfways decent office building would
have a larger elevator.  There was probably only room for five or
so people inside and was barely wider than the doors.  The
flourecent lights were on their last legs flickering on and off,
adding to the cramped feeling inside.  'It started as something
to do.  That's mainly why I still do it, though I'm hoping to
someday retire to something a little less exciting, like
organized crime or something like that.'  Diesel was silent. 
'What about you?' I asked, though I don't know why, just to make
conversation I guess, 'Like I said I haven't run into many
suicidal magical girls, though you do make my job easier.'
     'I though I told you before.  I'm just sick of the world. 
There's not a whole lot to look forward to after all.'
     If you say so, 'Okay, I'll go for that, but why was it so
important for me to off your sister?  I mean what did it matter
that you saw her go?'
     Diesel's eyes narrowed, 'It was all her idea, the magical
girl thing.  I guess she had found some guy that was recruiting
kids to be magical girls and she dragged me along.  I figured,
why the hell not, I was a nobody, this was my chance to be
somebody.'  She shrugged, 'It didn't go quite as I had visioned
it.  I'm not really into all the lace and hearts and stuff,' she
looked down at her uniform, 'but I'm not to sure about the biker
thing either.'
     The elevator chimed again and slowly opened to reveal the
roof.  I followed her out whale she continued to talk, 'But, I
went with it for a while, like I said I thought I was finally a
somebody, I thought I could make a difference and all that. 
Well, I came to the conclusion that the world is a pretty
pathetic place.  I wanted out of the magical girl gig, but it's
not as easy as that I guess.  Just as well though, I didn't
really want to go back to the way I was any more than I wanted to
be who I am now.  Brutis was still convinced that she was doing
something worthwhile.  I guess I wanted to get her out of all of
this too.'  She finished her third cigarette in one long drag, 
'Sorry to drag on so long, it's not like you care or anything. 
You just want your money after all.'
     'Normally yes,' I said, 'but you're one of the few magical
girls I've met who didn't repulse me.  That, and I can kinda
relate to what you're saying.  'I pulled out my pistol, 'But if
this is the way you want it.'
     'It is.' she said and closed her eyes.
     Diesel flinched as I put the barrel of my gun against her
forehead.  For a moment, I didn't feel right.  Having second
thoughts?  Nah, I pulled the trigger.  Her head snapped back as
the back of her head was forcefully ejected.  She stumbled back
about two steps before the recoil finally sent her tumbling to
the ground.  She twitched for half a moment, then went still.
     I watched as her costume faded away and was replaced by a
schoolgirls uniform.  I rummaged around in her pockets for a
minute, until I found a note she had addressed to me, that must
be the bank account information she was talking about.  I turned
to walk away,but stopped.  Something felt odd about just leaving
her there.  Why though?  She was just another contract.  I took
off my trench coat ant wrapped her in it, then huffed her over my
shoulder.  What a time for me to start having a heart.  
     As I got back to the office I remembered why I never moved
any of my contracts bodies.  Holding Diesel's limp body over my
shoulder was wearing me out.  But only that, it's that their damn
messy.  Blood was soaking through my trench coat and getting all
over me.  
     I got a bunch of strange looks from everyone as I walked in. 
Taking it in stride I walked up to Veracity's desk and handed her
the note.  'See if you can find out about this bank account for
me will you?'  Not waiting for her to answer, I kept walking then
set down Diesel's body in the bathroom.  After cleaning myself
off a bit I walked back out into the main room where everyone was
waiting. 
     'What was that?'  Aika asked.
     'Our last contract.'
     'Why in the world are you carrying her body around with you
then?' H piped in.
     I though about it for a second, 'Dunno, I just didn't want
to leave it on the roof, I figured I could do better than that.'
     They were not impressed, 'What?' Itami grunted, 'We gonna
have a funeral or something?'
     'Nah, we'll just drop her in a river or something.' Not that
really sounded all that much better.  Oh well, I wasn't going to
have a funeral. I, I just didn't want to leave her out there to
rot.  Why, though?  I really couldn't even justify it to myself,
yet here I was doing it.  'I'll take care of that later,' I said
to change the subject, 'Right now I have some other things I want
to take care of.

     Like I said before, I hate it when my options are limited. 
That's what I was going to see Kyo and Mai about.  I hadn't
finished with them the last time I met with them, but now I had
more I wanted to know.  We met in a neutral place this time, A
coffee shop at the station down the street a ways from my office. 
They were waiting for me when I got there, dressed just as
unusually as they always did.  'Maybe this time we can finish our
conversation without being interrupted.'  I said as I sat down.
     'What do you want Yoi?' Mai asked, for some reason didn't
seem all tat pleased to see me.
     'You have to excuse him,' Kyo said, motioning for her bother
to calm down, 'We've had out hands full ever since we found out
that Ramsbottom was loose again.'
     Loose again?  'If you don't mind me asking, what's your beef
with him?  Besides that damned annoying accent of his.'
     'He's out to destroy everything we stand for!' Mai blurted
out.
     'Mai, please, watch your voice.'  Kyo's eyes darted back and
forth, 'He right though,' she said in a hushed voice, 'Nigel
Ramsbottom is one of the more powerful agents of Chaos on Earth.'
     'I see.'
     'He was held in heaven for a while, but he escaped right
under our noses.'  Mai slammed his fist on the table.
     'Angels are traditionally agents of Order,' Kyo continued,
'and part of our training was to keep him detained.'
     'So his running about has got you in a bit of trouble.' I
said with a grin.
     'What's it to you?' Mai said smugly.
     'Nothing, I just wondered what mad you react like that in my
office, that's all.  Also, ' I shifted in my chair and took a
drink of coffee, 'I wanted to ask you about your half sister, I
figured you'd be surprised to hear about her.'
     'No not surprised really,' Mai said, 'considering your line
of work I'd have thought you'd have met up with Kaneko earlier.'
     'We can't really tell you much about her Yoi,' Kyo added,
'Even we don't know what she's up to, but considering that she
was always a bit of a loose cannon, I'd watch yourself when
dealing with her.'
     'Hmmmmmm.'  I took another sip of coffee, 'I'll keep that in
mind.  I have another question to ask you.  Since it was Ultra's
magic that, made me like this I was...'
     'You were wondering if there was a way we could change you
back?' Mai interrupted.
     'Something like that yes.' 
     'Well,' Kyo said, 'it's something I'd like to have to look
into for you, but if I had to guess, we could use our power to
make you male again.'  She must have seen my hopeful smile
because she quickly added, 'But, to put you under the influence
of our powers, we'd probably have to make you a magical girl
again.'
     'Uh huh.' Shit.  There's NEVER an easy way out is there.
'Well, thanks for checking for me. '  I got up to leave, 'Thanks
for your time.' Oh yeah, 'One last thing, I recently got a
contract to take out the First magical girl.  You wouldn't happen
to know who that is do you?'
     'Nope, no idea.' Kyo replied.
     'And we wouldn't tell you if we did.'  Mai added, which got
him scolded by his sister.
     'All right,' I said and turned to leave.

     I decided to get rid of Deisel's body that evening as I was
told that it was stinging up the office.  I wasn't surprised that
Itami and H would have 'better things to do tonight,' like they
do almost every night.  What also surprised me was that Aika
didn't.  The two of us lugged Diesel's body down out below a
bridge.  
     'So why are we doing this again?' She asked.
     'Ah I don't know, ' I said setting Diesel down on the bank,
'she wasn't all bad, I didn't feel like leaving her for Muarry's
cousins.'
     'So were throwing her to the fish?'
     'Better than that damn buzzard.'
     I hoisted up the body, gave a grunt and flung her into the
river.  The two of us watched as gravity and the streams current
pulled what was left of Lovely Lieutenant Diesel out of view. 
Then we watched the river just flow.  Then the silence started
getting to me.  'So,' I asked, 'the doctor helping you any?'
     'Huh, uh, a little, yeah.'
     'He thinks he could help you more if you'd show up once in a
while.'  She didn't answer, 'Aika, what's wrong with the doctor.'
     'Everything's wrong with the doctor!' She screamed, 'Dammit
Yoi, it's creepy going in there.  It makes me feel like I'm
crazy!'
     'That's not why I want you to go there.'
     'Why the hell else would you want some one to go to see a
Shrink.  You think I'm crazy!?'
     'It's Ścause I care about you God dammit!'  Shit.  I wasn't
ready for that to come out.  
     Aika went wide eyed.  Though I'm not sure if it was because
of what I said or how I said it.  'You what?'
     'I....I....' God dammit. Well, maybe I can work with this. 
'I care about you Aika.  Uh,' damn, for once I wish I was better
at this feelings stuff, 'After what happened in the office the
other day, I was worried about you.  I, I guess I didn't expect
you to react that way. I wasn't sure what to do.  I'm sorry. 
Murray though it had something to do with when you were being
held by the Balancers.'  She didn't say anything so I kept going.
'I wasn't sure what to do, I mean, I was still trying to figure
out how I felt about all this.  I, I heard that he, the doctor,
was good good with magical girl problems, that's why I wanted you
to see him.  I'm sorry I guess I didn't help any.'
     Aika turned her back to me and hunched over.  I tried to
peer  around to see what she was doing. Oh no, no no no no.
Please no.  Aika started balling.  Shit.  She turned and threw
her arms around me and started sobbing into my chest.'
     'Yoi I,I was so scared.' she said to my shirt.  'When Kumiko
was torturing me, I was so scared.  I didn't know why it
happened.  I was so scared.'  
     I couldn't make out the rest, she was crying too hard. I
didn't know what to do, I don't know how to handle a crying girl. 
Usually there crying because I'm about to put a hole through
their head.  I did the only thing I knew to do, it's what they
always do on TV, or in the movies.  I stroked her hair and said,
'Shhhhh, it's okay, it's okay Aika.'  God, I felt like a fool.
     'When,' her grip tightened, 'when I finally got loose I was
a wreck.  I, I thought I finally got over it when I heard
Ramsbottom killed Kumiko.'  Her sobs became weaker.  'But that
night, that night in the office, it all came back. It was like
being with the Balancers again.  I'm sorry Yoi.'
     'It's okay Aika,' Damn! Now what, usually everything's all
better or they've gone on to the next scene by now.  'I didn't
know.  I won't let it happen again, I promise.'  Someone tell me
why things are never easy for me.


------------------
Indeed, well now it's done, and Part the 40th is on the web for
your viewing pleasure.  
Constructive comments are always welcome at asimh@uaa.alaska.edu
Flames will be used to help keep the needy warm during the cold
Alaska winter.  Thanks to all who took the time to read my first
impro fic.  Ian