I broke her neck the first time we clashed. Later I sent her to hell with a mystic blade. The last time I saw her, she was being consumed by a slime-ooze version of Ramsbottom. Now, she was smirking at me with Aika's face. I might have thought that PrettyDeadly had just only lost her mind, but I'd recognize that sadistic grin no matter what flesh it was pasted across. However it had happened, this was Captain Kawaii in front of me. I really was having zero luck in the romance department lately. MAGICAL GIRL HUNTERS created by Aaron Shattuk chapter 45: PENULTIMATUM part by Colin Wales "Okay, I buy it," I said, cautiously. "When?" She inspected a few items of her personal arsenal as she hovered over the deceased Kyo and the apparantly unconscious Mai, giving me a wild-eyed glance very so often as she spoke. "Well, obviously I had things set up from the moment your precious little cohort was taken by the Balancers. I set up a psychic link during a bit of a... session, let's say." She sniggered. "That was fun. And at the end, she thought she'd defeated me-- too bad she didn't realize I was testing my control over her. Anyway, I held it in reserve, and a good thing too-- when I got snared by Ramsbottom, I knew I was in big trouble, so I used the link to switch my essense with that of poor, dear Aika." A frigid chill slid down my throat and into my gut. "No," I said, and instantly felt like an idiot for saying it. "Oh yes," she purred back at me. "At the last minute, it was Pretty Deadly in my old body that took the final trip down whatever passed for Ramsbottom's throat. I got some feedback from her just before the psychic link dissolved." She closed her eyes and shuddered, but her grin never faltered. "It was... thrilling..." When she opened her eyes, my fist was filling her field of vision. Let me tell you-- watching that smirk dissolve was extremely satisfying, as was the feel of my knuckles shattering her nose-- but of course, it hurt me so much, too-- twisted as it was at the moment, it was still Aika's face... So I changed my attack and planted my foot into her solar plexus, hard. She flew back and crashed into the door of the office-- the window broke and rained glittering shards down around her-- I moved in. One of the rules about fighting magical girls is that you do your best to not let them catch a breath. That breath will give them the chance to pull out some sort of magical zap (or worse) to fry your ass. Running the short distance across the office, I jumped, twisting in mid-air to point my feet in front of me-- Again, she looked up just in time to see oncoming pain. I landed solidly with both feet somewhere on her torso, and the door splintered off its hinges. I tumbled off to the side as we burst into the hallway. In half a moment I had rolled to my feet, and was set to charge again, but that was enough for Kawaii/Deadly to get to her feet as well. Blood was flowing down her face from her nose, and that grin was back... "You always were such fun to play with, Yoi," she cooed, as one of Deadly's Whup-Ass cans flew at me. No time to retreat, so I simply dodged the can and ran past Kawaii back into the office, jumping for cover behind the desk just as the shockwave tugged at my jacket-- A deafening roar shook the building and all the windows blew out of the office. Fire scorched everything in the room-- the desk was slammed against one wall, carrying me with it, catching one leg, painfully... I heard things thump into the wall, various loose items from the office, as the blast roared around me. Something occurred to me-- I hadn't seen Veracity since Kyo and Mai arrived, but-- I saw something flash in the air, and I practically wrenched my back shoving the desk away from me so I could dive across the floor and catch Veracity's statue. The blast had pretty much dissipated, but a number of surfaces in the office were on fire. Kawaii seemed to be gone from the hallway. I looked down at the statue. It seemed undamaged, and I could feel her presence within. Good. At least she was-- well, she was already a ghost, so I dunno if "alive" was the proper term, but she was here. It was pure luck the blast hadn't melted or cracked the thing, but at this point I wasn't into questioning life's small favors. I tucked her statuette into my jacket and gave a quick glance around. The office was pretty much a wreck. Anything that wasn't burning had been smashed. Still, I managed to scoop up a few needed weapons from hidden caches here and there. Oh, this was going to cut deeply into the profit margins. Slowly, I eased my head out into the hall. No sign of Kawaii/Deadly. And, now that I thought about it, that was a good thing, and not just because it saved me having to dodge mystic blasts and bullets and things that explode-- when I attacked her, I had been running on pure rage, and had I managed to get my hands on her any quicker, I'd have probably killed her. While I didn't care one whit about killing Kawaii at this point, I was still concerned about killing Aika's body. Kawaii had made it sound like Aika's soul was already gone, but a part of me figured that there still might be a chance to bring Aika back. It just couldn't have been all Kawaii for all that time-- all just an act? Okay, I was -hoping- there was a chance. People began to look out shattered windows and broken doors up and down the hallway. I coughed. Burnt carpet is a nasty smell. I noticed most eyes were looking in my direction. At least nobody was screaming for an ambulance... or a hearse... but I had to diffuse this quickly. "HEY!" I shrieked, pointing at some random person sticking his head out. "Was it YOU who left a gas line open??" My target shook his head hurriedly and withdrew back into his room. "When I find out who caused this, I'm going to SUE someone!" I bellowed (well, as much as my female lungs could bellow), and more people began to retreat to safety. When in doubt, bluff convincingly. My arm throbbed, reminding me that I'd likely ripped some stitches open. I needed to hole up somewhere for a bit, and then I needed to try and figure out what Kawaii was going to do next. I glanced back into the office, expecting to see a pair of charred bodies on the floor. Instead, Kyo and Mai seemed little the worse for wear-- a bit singed at most-- in fact, unless my eyes were playing tricks on me (and at this point, I wouldn't have put it past my eyes), Kyo's head had somehow reassembled itself. As I stared, she coughed, and groaned. Mai also stirred, and his eyes popped open. He rose slowly, and his eyes swung towards mine. "Have a nice nap?" I asked. "There was such a party, but it seemed a shame to--" "Enough." The tone in his voice cut me short. Mai had always been more than willing to bluster and threaten me before, but this time it sounded like he was seriously having trouble keeping himself in check. He bent, and gathered his sister in his arms. She moaned again, but did not come awake. "Er... not that I'm disappointed or anything, but shouldn't she be in Hell?" I winced as I said it. "She was." Mai's voice was like dry grit in my ears. "Fortunately, our employer makes a lot of the rules regarding these things, and we have been known to bend those rules in the past when it warrants. I was able to send my spirit after hers, and eventually I rescued her. But even as short as it was, her stay there has cost her." He paused for a moment. "It cost us both. And there is a chance she will never fully recover." His eyes fixed mine. "This is too much. Our association is over, on all levels. I will have no further dealings with you, either as friend or foe. If our employer wishes to truck with you, it will have to be arranged through some different agent. I sincerely hope He decides to wash his hands of you." He turned away, but glanced back over his shoulder. "Curse me if I understand why there should be a man with no fate. It is a danger to all order and sense." His voice began to fade as he turned away again. "Farewell. You will not see us again." With that, they seemed to slip -between- the air-- I know, but that's what it looked like-- and they were gone. At this point, I figured that was probably a pretty good idea. *********** The door was no problem. Murray had bolted in such a hurry when things went sour that there was virtually nil in the way of security, just a couple locks, and after tending to a number of inconveniently-placed wounds on my own body, manipulating these had been child's play. I wondered how soon Murray had tipped to the change in Aika. I knew Murray hadn't been exactly close to her, but they had that mystic bond going, and it was a hard thing to fool. Did that mean there was enough Aika left to fool Murray? Did that mean there was a chance to get her back? I crept through the storehouse, selecting interesting-looking weapons, shoveling them into a number of satchels and cases. I might have had to bolt myself, and I wanted to be able to grab a decent stash, when the time came, and go. Sometime soon I needed to call H and fill her in. She wasn't likely to drop by the office with Itami at the hospital, so she probably wasn't aware that things were any more wrong than usual. She'd be able (and willing) to keep an eye on Itami for me. He was tougher than anyone had a right to be, but this last encounter with Koi had pretty much found his limits. I kicked myself again, mentally, for letting that happen. And then someone kicked my legs out from behind. I let out a yowl as the knee of my injured leg cracked on the cement floor. I rolled to the side, reaching for a gun, and promptly froze once I noticed the rather large-bore gun barrel inches from my nose. A raspy woman's voice snarled quietly. "Talk fast, girl. I don't appreciate thieves lifting my merchandise." Girl? Oh. Yeah. Well, when in doubt, bluff convincingly. "I don't recall you being the proprieter of this establishment..." "Sure it's mine. I'm the Finn." Ah. I hadn't expected the post to be filled that quickly. Word about Murray's demise sure had spread fast. Looks like not all vultures had feathers. "In that case," I said cautiously, "I'm your best customer." Looking past the barrel, I saw a middle-aged, rather plain woman dressed in a fairly disheveled manner. Her skin was sallow, and dark circles ringed her eyes. Thin lips pulled tight, and she blinked at me. Her voice suggested a lifetime of excessive smoking (as in, she sounded like she had a couple butts crammed in her esophagus). Yeah, she fit the Finn profile. "You'd be Yoi?" she croaked. "The one and only." She lowered her gun and I slowly rose to my feet. Holstering her weapon, she gave me the once over. "Yeah," she said after a while, "the notes told me about you." "Notes?" "How do you think each Finn keeps business running smoothly when the business, um, changes hands? Each Finn has an extensive and detailed list of contacts, nearly always coded. First person to decode the notes usually gets to be the Finn, since that person knows who to buy from and who to sell to..." I didn't know if I believed that, but it made as much sense as anything else. Plus it hardly mattered. I had more pressing concerns. "My apologies," I said. "I was unaware that there was a new Finn already. I hope you'll forgive me for trying to take advantage of the 'going out of business' discount... I am in a bit of a bind at the moment." "A 'bind'..." she murmured. "I'm guessing you have no ready cash for your selections here--" she waved at my bags of assorted destructive things. "Eh, well..." "The notes concerning you are quite, ah, irregular, but your credit seems acceptable. I'll let you slide for now. Consider it an attempt at improving customer relations." I'd never kissed a Finn, and I wasn't planning on starting now, but that's was as close as I'd ever come to wanting to do so. "I wish more Finns felt the same." Something occurred to me. I pulled Veracity's figurine out of my jacket and set it on a nearby table. At first nothing happened, and I began to get concerned-- then, slowly, she faded into view. The Finn raised an eyebrow, but stood and watched. "Problem?" I asked. She was still somewhat transparent. She nodded. "A dampening effect-- prevented me from manifesting earlier... it's wearing off, though..." "Kawaii?" Again, a nod. "She seems to have picked up some interesting tricks while with the Balancers. Obviously she didn't want me warning you when she made her move..." "I'm going to ask this once, Veracity, and I don't want you to take this wrong, but you had better be straight with me: Did you have any idea what Kawaii had done to Pretty Deadly, either before or after your time with the Balancers?" She sighed. "I was aware they had her captive at one point, but beyond that, no. I heard what she said to you, even though I couldn't manifest-- and I don't think Matsura was aware of this. It sounds like something Kawaii did on her own." I recalled Aika shooting Matsura and then powering up. Or, it seems, that was Kawaii at that point. Sure, it fit. I don't know if Kawaii had any axe to grind with Matsura, but she was one of the few people who might've known Kawaii well enough to eventually piece together what was going on. "Tell you what, Finn, I'm going to do you a bit of a barter here. Consider my secretary, Veracity, here, as being in your service for the time being. Apply the value of her work towards my account. I think you'll find her competent and willing to work in questionable circumstances." Both Veracity and the Finn looked at me quizzically. I turned to Veracity. "Look-- the office is a wreck, and Kawaii knows where my apartment is. Itami's in the hospital. I don't know this Finn at all, but most Finns are fairly trustworthy-- well, about as trustworthy as anyone in this sort of work. It's not an ideal place to leave you, but it's the best place I have at the moment, and they way things are going, I can't be worrying about you on top of everything else." "I understand," she said. "But... you will be coming back, right? The office can be fixed...?" "I hope so... but I can't even think about that right now..." Actually, I couldn't help -but- think about it. If any blame for the explosion fell on me, I'd bet the lease would be canceled in an instant. I'd gotten away with a lot of disturbances in the building, but this was pushing it. And even if I managed to avoid that fate, the sheer physical damage might make repair impractical. We could wind up in a different office... if we decided to even have an office anymore. This was getting old. Itami was hurt, Aika might well be dead in a spiritual sense, and everything was just too complicated now. I was seriously considering giving the whole mess up. Tie up the loose ends and retire. Itami. I pulled out the cellular and dialed the hospital, and then the extension for Itami's room. As I expected, H answered-- or more precisely, Kasumi. "Hello?" "It's Yoi. Is Itami awake?" "Asleep. He seems to be doing much better, though." "Let him rest. Listen close. We've got a cuckoo. Aika has been taken over by Kawaii, and I don't have time to explain. If she shows up, treat her as very hostile. I don't know if there's a chance to get Aika back, but... don't kill her if you can help it, but if she tries to take Itami or you out, don't let her." "Do you think she'll try?" I sighed, long and deep. "I don't know. She said something about wanting to take my body, but beyond that, I haven't got a clue what's driving her. Kawaii's taken out most everything that made up Aika's life, so anything's possible. You just watch yourself." "All right. You can count on me." I hung up. Then, without any words, I picked up my gear and walked to the door. Veracity and the Finn watched me leave, silently. *********** Something was nagging at me as I threaded my way through some pretty dark alleys. It wasn't just Kawaii. That was bad, but I figured if worse came to worse, I'd put a bullet through her, Aika's body or no, and that would end it. Or else she'd take my body over and squeeze my soul out of it like the last dregs of a toothpaste tube, and THAT would end it. No, it was this Order business. Cosmic beings yanking my chain again. I thoroughly detested it. This latest thing was leaving a familiar, sour taste in my mouth, because the whole premise stank on ice. I stopped and leaned against a wall while I thought it out. I'd met a lot of supernatural characters, and many of them came darn close to godlike, and so far most of them were LIARS in some fashion. Okay. The slime-goo Ramsbottom had tried to recruit me to the side of Chaos. He was fighting Styx when I blasted him into pudding, and she had been pushing the cause of Order at the time. I hadn't accepted Order, but I had certainly rejected Chaos. So later Styx and a few flunkies show up posessed by Order itself, warning me to not take the side of Chaos. And Veracity said it -was- Order, and that was backed up by Kyo and Mai. But why? If I had already pretty much said "no" to Chaos (and in most cultures, dissolving an ambassador into pudding qualifies as a negative indicator), then why would Order feel the need to warn me? My knees went weak, and I slid down the wall as it suddenly clicked. When in doubt, bluff convincingly. Order was AFRAID of me. If he was as cosmic as everyone said, then there - should- be no reason for him to even notice me, and yet he'd taken direct action-- THREATENED me, even. Mai had even said it himself: "It is a danger to all order and sense". He was talking in the abstract, of course, but he was right. Oh, I didn't like this, I didn't like this at all. Ever since things started getting hairy with the Kawaii contract, there'd been a gradual increase in the cosmic quotient of my life, and I just didn't see the trend stopping. Whatever was coming up next, it was going to suck hard. But at the same time, there was a little thrill running through me, counterpoint to the terror. Order might be gunning for me, cosmic bad stuff was breathing down my neck, but just the idea that there was something about me that had Order worried was a source of secret glee. I'd been jerked around by cosmic entities so much that it would give me great satisfaction if I could figure out what it was I had and how I could use it to completely SCREW Order and every other high-powered, self-righteous meddler... Another thought flitted across the back of my mind. Maybe Order wasn't such an idiot after all. If he'd done his homework, he'd know how much I hated being manipulated by cosmic powers. He'd know his little ultimatum would make me mad... possibly mad enough to actually defy Order and hook up with Chaos. Perhaps for some reason he WANTED me to join with Chaos. My mind whirled for a while there in the alley. Second-guessing universal forces was a good way to drive yourself insane. It was the players in this game I needed to familiarize myself with. Order was the one on my mind at he moment, and then there was Chaos-- who I hadn't spoken to, but all evidence suggested a cosmic entity just like Order. Well, not -just- like order, but-- anyway... Akari Nazo had given me the big spiel on the cosmic forces that governed things... Order, Chaos, Good, Evil, and Balance. Sounded like that American game to me, but who cared. And she also told me as a Fateless person, I would have a profound impact on things when I finally chose which of those forces I'd ally myself with. Trouble was, I didn't much care for ANY of them. I suppose I liked the principles of Balance the best, but the Balancers themselves had been too sleazy for my tastes. If that was the kind of group I was going to have to deal with, well, I'd rather not choose ANY such path. And something else didn't sit right with that, either. If I truly had no fate written for me, then why did everyone expect I was going to choose a side? You'd think that Fateless would mean just that-- that nothing was definite, that I was free to do whatever I felt like, that I didn't HAVE to choose a side... Why had there been Balancers, anyway? Maybe Neutral just hadn't been doing his job. Or her job. Did cosmic entities based on abstract concepts even have genders? If I ever met Order face to face, I intended to kick it in the crotch and find out. I stood again. I had an idea. No, actually, I had just a glimmer of a thought, but it was all I had to work with. I had to meet with some folks. "Folks", in the loosest sense of the word. ********** It didn't take me too long to find the apartment of the Warrior Tech Prettyboy Whoever the Hell He Was Kamen-- Veracity had been able to locate the address for me earlier. Princess Love had wanted me to kill the Sailor Shuggoths to get back her lost love. That was something I was not seriously considering, but still, knowing where that group was might be handy, I had thought. And, indeed, I was right. We weren't exactly buddies at this point, but we had sort of agreed not to get in each other's way. I was wondering whether to knock or bust the door down when I got to his apartment. I listened. Something liquid was going on on the other side. I slowly gripped the doorknob-- unlocked. Deep breath. I turned the knob and swung the door open. Immediately, I averted my eyes. There was a kid's wading pool on the floor, with an inch of what looked to be baby oil in the bottom, and writhing around in it were the naked forms of Prettyboy Warrior Nekomi Tech Kamen and the Sailor Shuggoths. I mean, there are some things Man was not meant to look upon. Really. I heard startled scrabbling on plastic, and an eerie chorus of "Hiii, Yoiii!" Prettyboy Kamen sputtered out a "Yoi! Why- what brings you here in the midst of my, um, training session?" as he floundered around, grabbing for a towel and his uniform. I stole a glance back as the Sailor Shuggoths lost their girl-shapes, melting into amorphous blobs and flowing towards their scattered fukus, then resuming their human forms from inside their clothes. "I need to talk to the girls," I said. *********** My host was bustling about in the kitchen section, fixing some tea and blushing like the sun over Mt. Fuji. The Sailor Shuggoths were perched on a couch in a precise row, and each stared at me with the same expressionless look. "What can we do for you, Yoi?" asked Sailor Orl. "I don't suppose you could make me a male again?" I asked. Getting nothing but blank stares in return, I sighed. "It was worth a try. What I'm really here for is, I need you for some of your old contacts. I want to find Chaos." Prettyboy Kamen made a noise from the kitchen. "What's that-- find chaos? Sounds like a stupid Zen riddle or something..." The Shuggoths, on the other hand, heard the capital letter in my voice, and hissed in unison. "Only a fool seeks Chaos," muttered one of the Sailors. Sailor Bork or something. I never could remember those screwy names. "Yeah, well-- you used to be agents of Shub-Niggurath, right? and Shubby-Chan was tight with Chaos, unless I miss my guess?" Another Sailor spoke. "That's as true as far as it goes. But Chaos is not exactly something one communicates directly with..." "No? It seems to work well enough for Order. Is Chaos too special to talk to his underlings?" "You cannot compare the two. Order favors structure, and manifests in terms easily understood by mortals. It is said that Order even assumes a regular corporeal form when it chooses. "Chaos, on the other hand, is, well... chaotic. Without some semblance of structure and organization nothing would get done, but randomness is heavily favored by Chaos' agents. Chaos rarely communicates directly with its allies-- agents merely -know- what needs to be done, and sometimes different agents are given conflicting instructions. When Chaos does appear, it could be anything. The last verified manifestation of Chaos appeared in the form of a blue rabbit-like rodent with seven radial legs, nine eyes, no mouth, and a halo of green fire that sang with the voice of a choir. Before that, it appeared as a perfect cube of solidified envy twenty and one-third meters across, weighing 999.99 kilograms. Before that, it appeared simultaneously as a glass of milk in a Swiss airport and John Wayne's disembodied testicles, plastic-wrapped and located in a crater on Mars." Another Sailor piped up. "It is said that manifestation was the most awkward one with which to have a conversation." "It should be noted," interjected yet another Sailor, "that these are manifestations which are known of because of their unusual nature. Chaos does not always manifest as some impossiblity-- Chaos can be anything, and anything includes ordinary mundane aspects of existance. Many such manifestations go unnoticed because they are so very ordinary." My head hurt. At least it matched my body. "So... now wait, this doesn't help me find Chaos. What's Chaos manifested up as today?" The Sailor Shuggoths all shrugged at the same time. "No one knows," one said. "No manifestation has been reported in about twenty years." Great. Well, at least now I knew more about this than I used to... though there was a time when I would have found this knowledge excruciatingly annoying. "Okay," I murmured slowly. "So if I was going to -attempt- to contact Chaos, how would--" My words were cut off as an iron ball on a chain smashed through one of the apartment's walls, about a foot away from a window. Shards of various building materials sprayed across the room. When the dust cleared, a girl-sized hole was there in the wall. I say "girl-sized', because it was obviously how "Fugitive" Princess Love had just entered. She still had that ball chained to her. "Oh-- cruel destiny! I cannot abide any longer-- I will strike to reclaim my love-- this will be he final--" She stopped, looked at me sitting on the couch. "Yoi! You are here! Have you decided finally to honor our contract? I can get the money, wait here!" And with that, she lifted the chain and swung it, crashing the ball through the wall, knocking another hole in it right next to the first one. In a twinkling, she had leapt through it, leaving me with several pairs of eyes staring at me. "Aw-- not her again..." moaned Prettyboy Kamen. "Every so often she shows up to win me back from the girls... and, of course, the girls thrash her soundly..." "Contract?" Hissed the Sailors in unison. "Eh, yeah... well, SHE thinks there's a contract," I hastily explained. "I, frankly, have no intention of trying to do any of you in." This seemed to mollify the Sailors, and they relaxed a bit, even as the window blasted apart in a shower of glass. Princess Love swept in through the gap, and tossed a satchel at me. "It's all there! Now, eliminate these imposter Magical Girls! I will even aid you! Do you think I should open with a song?" "Oh, -heavens- no," I said. Then, having a sudden inspiration, I added, "First we must get your love to safety! I will secure him! You distract the monsters by attacking them!" The Sailors and Prettyboy Kamen shot me puzzled looks, and I did my best "play along" face. "Right away!" Her face was lit with unbalanced joy. "Oh, I am certain victory will be ours today!" And with that, she pointed her wand and let loose a burst of yummy light that splattered one of the Sailor Shuggoths into a thousand droplets. However, as soon as they had hit the floor they flowed together, and in a moment the Sailor was once more whole. "Poo-- that didn't work the last time, either," whimpered Princess Love as she disappeared inside a circle of Shuggoth fists. I hustled Prettyboy Kamen off to one side, and talked low, while the Sailors proceeded to beat the few remaining wits out of Princess Love's head. "Look here-- if she's such an annoyance, why don't you just kill her or something?" "I couldn't do that!" breathed Prettyboy Kamen, matching my volume level. "And I don't want YOU to kill her, either!" He added, as I opened my mouth. "After all, I was really devoted to her once. She was my first love-- but it's over between us now, ever since I found the girls. I mean, look at me-- my face has cleared up! I've dropped almost 15 kilos! And-- I've been getting laid-- really disgustingly LAID-- on a regular basis! There's no way I can give that up!" I looked him over-- he did seem a lot more fit and a little less repulsive since the last time I'd seen him. He had a point. Still, we had a problem, and I had a reputation to keep... Not to mention the matter of a couple million yen. Considering everything that had happened, the money was looking more and more attractive. "Stay here," I told Prettyboy Kamen. I walked over to the dogpile of Shuggoths. Princess Love was at the bottom, feebly squirming around as the yummy light was pounded right out of her. I tapped a Sailor on the shoulder, and she stood, while the others continued the happy drubbing. I'd never heard a monster sigh before. "The Master won't let us crush her into oblivion," she said wistfully. "Quick question, Sailor, um..." "Yib," she offered. "Fine. Tell me-- were you always a nearly indestructable blob-creature, or were you once human at some point?" "Many years past, we once were human-- then Shib-Niggurath welcomed us into her nurturing fold, and--" "Yeah, yeah, touching story. Were you forced into it? Did they kidnap you girls or something?" "No-- the process only works if the subject gives herself willingly over to the love of--" "Sure, whatever. Hmm." Gears nearly stripped themselves in my head. "Look-- keep her groggy, but try not to knock her out just yet. I'll be back in a moment." As Yib returned to the fist party, I dashed out the door and took the elevator down to ground level. I searched the lobby and the nearby street until I spotted a toy shop. Inside, I found what I was looking for-- a row of brightly colored stuffed animals, and another display of toy guns. Grabbing a particularly eye-searing pink teddy bear and the gaudiest space-style ray gun, I ran to the counter and tossed a handful of bills at the register. I think the clerk was a little put off by the fact that I was using a combat knife to rip the bottom of the bear open even as he was getting me my change. I ran back to the apartment building, stuffing trailing behind me. When I had made it back to the apartment, things were much the same-- Kamen standing off to one side as the Shuggoths continued to convert Princess Love into one large bruise. I jammed one arm up the hollowed out rear of the teddy bear and ducked behind a couch. Raising the bear up to the top of the couch's back, and peering around the end, I raised my voice as many octaves as I could muster (a lot easier to do as a woman), and squeaked, "STOP!" The sound of thumping ceased, and I could just make out the Sailors standing and backing away from Princess Love, who sat up, shakily, nose bloody, eyes blackened, lips fat as sausages... she swung loose fists aimlessly in front of her, muttering, "gonna win... zis time fushur... eefil bisshes, won ledyou geddayway wiffit..." "O Princess Love! Hate is very very bad! I beg you to cease your battle! Heed me!" I squeaked, and her head swung around, looking for the voice. I wiggled the bear, and the motion attracted her attention. "Whu?" she said. "O Princess Love! It is I, um... Cute-Cute Love Bear Wai-Chan! yeah that's it-- and I have traveled from faraway Big Heart Sugar Land or something to give you this important message: You must not fight these Sailors!" The Sailor Shuggoths stared, eyes wide, jaws dropped. I don't know what startled them more, my little charade, or the fact that Princess Love started talking to the bear. In any case, it was good to see that even black goo- creatures could be utterly astounded. "Bu-- bu whasshuddai doo?" she blubbered. "Dey stoleim frummee, rodden bimboz-- howmai gunnuh ged muh preddyboy wurryr negomee teg kamen bag? "Listen well, O my heart-torn Princess--" I stifled a gag-- "Know that what I am about to say will reveal how you will not only regain your lost love, but also make peace with the Sailor Shuggoths!" The Sailors wore identical expressions of disbelief. Princess Love swayed dizzily, and muttered, "Maig pees? Neber, uh don buleef id. Snod pozzibul..." I rocked the bear from side to side. "Hear me-- this is the wondrous secret, hidden until now--" I paused for dramatic effect. "You, Princess Love, are the LOST SAILOR SHUGGOTH! You must not fight YOUR OWN SISTERS!" "Zizdurz?" Princess Love slurred. "Sisters?" The Sailor Shuggoths asked as one. "Aaahhh," breathed Prettyboy Kamen, seeing where I was going. "Yes, sisters," I bleated. "One Sailor Shuggoth was hidden at birth, for fear the ancient curse of the Foo-Bar would strike-- but the child grew to become a magical girl, destined to fight her sisters." There was a silent moment. "An dad wuzza curz, uz faiddin?" "Sure, why not. But I have arrived now, to reveal the truth! You must now join your sisters-- too long have you been seperated!" "Bud... idanoh..." "Look, do I have to spell it out? Once you join your sisters and become a Sailor Shuggoth, all six of you can have Prettyboy Kamen together, and nobody has to fight or nothing." There was a long pause, and then understanding sparked inside Princess Love's puffed eyes. She swung around, got to her knees, gripping the skirt of one Sailor with both fists. "Aw, pleeeeez fuggif me, zizturz! I diddun no! Id wazza curz, da eeeefil, eefil curz! Pleeeeeeez, taig me bag!" Baffled, the Sailors looked at the Kamen, who nodded eagerly (and sweatily, I thought). "Okay," they said. "oh thangyewthangyew," Princess Love moaned, and burst into fresh tears. That was my cue. I rocked the bear a little. "And now my work here is done. Farewell, Princess Love. You shall not see me again, uh, I have cancer. Bye!" And with that I pulled the bear behind the couch. When I could see Princess Love's head was turned away, I tucked the bear behind me and crept from behind the couch. Walking by the gaping holes in the wall, I tossed the bear out to the street below. Now for Phase Two. I drew the toy gun, and casually scooped up the satchel with Princess Love's fee. "HA!" I laughed, attracting everyone's attention. "I'm collecting my fee now, since I have found the ultimate weapon here, this gun that can kill the Sailor Shuggoths-- and I'm gonna use it, too!" I picked one of the Shuggoths, winked at her, and pulled the trigger. Little LED lights flashed, and a tinny electronic whine squealed out of the thing. Fortunately, the Sailors seemed to be picking up the art of playing along. The girl I'd selected fell over stiffly like a dead tree and splashed into a puddle when she hit the ground, sloshing around like-- well, like a wounded puddle. "Nooo!" wailed Princess Love. "Nod mai ziztur! Zdoppid!" "You don't want me to kill them anymore?" I asked here, putting a touch of disappointment into my voice. "Nawnono-- I-- I-- I'm cancellin duh condragt!" "Okay," I said. "But no refunds." I gripped the satchel and glared. "Fine, fine!" The "shot" Sailor reformed, and the five Shuggoths gathered around Princess Love, and helped her to her feet. "So," I said to the closest Shuggoth, "you going to join with your long lost sister or what?" She nodded. Each Shuggoth reached her arms to the still-swaying Princess Love, and those arms melted into amorphous tentacles, which wrapped around the Magical Girl-- and then, at various places on her skin, began to sink in... There was no blood, and as near as I could tell, no pain-- but Princess Love did give a sharp gasp-- and then she melted. Her skin sagged, and suddenly all her flesh flowed to the ground, leaving her skeleton and fuku behind, puddling over her boots. I nabbed the bones before they could topple over, and yanked off the fuku and some other costume items. Then I tossed it, complete with ball and chain, through one of the holes in the wall-- not to keep it from disturbing Princess Love later, but just to watch the reaction of people on the street below when a skeleton attached to a ball-and-chain crashed into the sidewalk. I looked back after I'd had my fill of amusement. The pool of flesh-colored goo that had been Princess Love wobbled and rolled about a little-- and then rose up in a rough column that gradually sprouted hair and shaped itself into a girl. Princess Love blinked new-formed and unbruised) eyes. And, as I'd expected, her expression now matched that of the Sailor Shuggoths. She might not have been an actual sister before, but she was now. I had mixed feelings about causing another nearly-unkillable Shuggoth to be created, but these girls were attached to their kamen, and he didn't have any ambition beyond... well, you know. Looking down, she saw she was naked, and melted again, flowing into her fuku and reforming. Prettyboy Kamen stepped forward, and she jumped into his arms. "Master!" she exclaimed happily. Then she looked at me. "Thank you, Yoi-- your little game has made it possible for all seven of us to be finally happy..." Ah, she knew it had been a trick now-- of course, the Shuggoths were linked, and what one knew, they all knew. "Well, as long as you don't think I was doing it out of a sense of altruism or anything." Somehow, I didn't think adding the endorsements of a series of monster blob-girls and their sleazy master would do my rep much good. Still, the weight of two million yen on my shoulder was very comforting. I had gotten as much info as I could and I'd scored a fat fee. Good enough, I figured. I bid the group a quick goodbye and made to leave. As I closed the door behind me, I heard Prettyboy Kamen say, "All right, Princess Love, since you're new to being a Shuggoth, I think we should start out with a long, drawn out training session... where is the paddle?" I walked away in a hurry, muffled giggles echoing in my ears. ************ The cash and weapons I mostly stashed in a bolt-hole I'd had for emergencies. Aika-- Kawaii-- hadn't been too involved in the business end of the operation, but I didn't know if she knew the name of our bank or not. I had no idea what she was capable of or what she intended to do, and I figured it was better to err on the side of caution in this case. However, a chunk of the cash and as many weapons as I could unobtrusively cram into my coat came with me. Then I made my way to the hospital. Kasumi met me outside Itami's room. "How's he doing?" "Better. He wants to get out of here, but the doctors say he needs more rest." "Have you told him about Aika?" "....No. I didn't want to upset him just yet." I understood that well enough. Itami had liked Aika in his own gruff way. Still, considering what was still lurking out there, I thought he needed to be told. Plus, I needed to touch base on a number of other things. "Keep an eye out," I said, and went into Itami's room. Itami was flat and rigid in his bed, staring gloomily at the TV. The TV wasn't on, but I doubt that mattered. His eyes drifted at me when I entered, and he gave a curious grunt. "Long day," I said, and then proceeded to fill him in on all the terrible details. As I did so, I passed him a few extra weapons from my coat, and he stashed them in various hiding places in and around his bed. You never know when something will come in handy. Once I'd brought him up to date, his face remained grim and impassive. Of course, this was the same expression he also used for his moments of purest joy. "Itami..." I pondered how I was going to say this. "The office is totaled. We can rebuild or move, but I just don't know what to expect now. Everything just keeps getting more and more complicated. I'm losing my ability to wade through the crap, Itami." He looked at me, silently, and I continued. "I can put up with a lot, Itami, but having you get hurt like this-- well, it's not worth it. We each knew one or the other of us might get killed in our line of work, and, dammit, I could accept buying it that way-- but now we're in constant danger from things that are so much bigger than hunting down nitwit magical girls. All this cosmic junk annoys the hell out of me." I took a breath. "So, Itami... what do you think?" He looked at me and grunted again. "You're right," I said. "Maybe we'll take a vacation. A few weeks off. Clear our heads and take a step back, make a decision after things have cooled off. Thanks, Itami. I always feel better after talking with you." ******** I went back out and sat down next to Kasumi. She looked terrible. Of course, she wasn't as spectacular as Kasumi as she was when she was H, and this latest ordeal had been prety hard on her. I was betting she hadn't slept in a while. Well, neither had I... "What about Aika?" she asked me. I gave her a more detailed rundown of what had happened, and she shook her head. "Kawaii. It's possible she's been pretending all along like she said-- if she was able to get enough info out of Aika's mind before she made the final switch, well, she'd be able to fool everyone for a while at least... and play you for a fool in the romance department, of course." "Of course," I snarled. "Thanks a lot." "Hey-- things would never have gotten as far between you and Kawaii as they did if there hadn't been something already brewing between you and Pretty Deadly. I knew Aika liked you a lot. But what I don't get is why Kawaii wants your body." "She said Aika's body was too young." She snorted. "Yeah, right, every young woman wants to be older. But aside from that-- why YOUR body? No offense, Yoi-- in your current form, you could be reasonably attractive if you had a mind to fix yourself up--" Suddenly Kasumi was surrounded by a nimbus of light, and I began to smell warm vinyl and leather. H was back. "--but let's face it, if she needed an older body, why not MINE?" H turned and twisted around a bit, showing off. "I mean, why not choose the best of the bunch?" "Good point," I admitted. "Maybe you're too powerful for her to take over. Maybe she's looking for a less spectacular body for anonymity." "Well again, why you? There's thousands of plain-looking women." I had no answer. And then the doors at the end of the hall exploded. "I'VE GOT IT AAAALLL FIGURED -*OUT*-, YOOOIIII!!" came a shrill, hoarse screech from inside a cloud of heavy smoke. H and I were already on our feet, me with a gun drawn, ready for what was coming. The smoke swirled aside as doctors and other staff scattered for cover, and in stepped Captain Kawaii. There was no mistaking her now, she'd given up Pretty Deadly's costume entirely. The only thing that looked like Aika was her face, and that was warped by the insane glee that was Kawaii's trademark. "Yyyyyoooooiiiii," she drawled. "I knew you'd have to show up here eventually. Here's your chance to give up quietly and avoid a lot of pain and stuff." I fired off three shots, aimed at her legs, but the slugs flattened against a mystic shield and bounced to the ground. "Good," she said. "I knew you wouldn't disappoint me... you know, it occurred to me while I was destroying all the leftover elements of Pretty Deadly's life that the same tactic might work with you." H charged, whip spiraling in as she moved-- the whip cracked right through the barrier, but Kawaii snagged the tip calmly with one hand, then yanked, pulling H forward. Her other hand shot forward, gripping H by the throat, and Kawaii lifted her off the ground, holding her there for a moment. "You always did appreciate a good choking, H..." Kawaii giggled. "Put her down," I said in my most menacing voice, which, due to my feminine status and a severe lack of confidence, was about as menacing as a miniature lap dog. But Kawaii shrugged, and flung H off to the side and into a wall, where she slumped down, stunned. "Yoi, Yoi..." She stepped, slowly, towards me. "What are the things that give you purpose, the will to continue? Your friends, your job, your money, maybe a lover now and again... She grinned again, a chilling rictus of a smile. "I'm taking it away, Yoi, bit by bit, and I won't stop until you have entirely lost the will to live-- at which point it'll be so very easy to eject your soul and take your body. I've already taken your precious Aika. Your office was a source of pride, wasn't it, Yoi? and now it is gone, and won't ever be the same. You can always get more money, so I won't bother with that-- but the rest of your friends, oh, that I can take." She stared into my eyes for a moment. I thought of shooting again, maybe using a grenade, but I was certain she'd be ready for any such attack. Then she turned, looking back at H. "Maybe I'll start by trimming away the source of many a naughty fantasy..." I fired then, several shots-- which, of course, bounced off a flat plane of energy between her and me. She laughed. Then her arms reached out and grabbed me by the head. "Maybe we'll see how strong your will is right now," she tittered. I tried to punch, to kick, but everything was stopped by the shield-- I could not break free-- and then there was a giddy floating feeling-- as if somehow I was being wrenched out of place-- and I suppose I was-- I only vaguely heard the three shots. One slug caught Kawaii in the shoulder, another grazed her midsection, and the third smacked into her thigh. Whatever she was doing to me was interrupted, and I snapped back to reality. Instantly my arms swung around-- the shield had dropped when she lost her concentration and I gave her a double chop on either side of her neck, then spun around, kicking her, slamming her into a bench. Whirling, I saw the source of the shots-- Itami leaned against the door of his room, gun in hand. Kawaii's shield hadn't circled her, and she hadn't noticed him aim at her from her side. He gave me a thumbs-up, and turned to glance at the slowly-rising H. I was concerned about him, he seemed shaky on his feet-- but in an instant, I forcibly dragged my attention back to Kawaii. Too late. "Well, damn me for a fool," she muttered, still grinning from the floor. "I should have done the most devastating thing first. I can correct that easily enough--" And with that she rasied her arm, pantomiming holding a gun-- and then energy flared, in the shape of an Uzi. The magically-glowing gun bucked and spat, and I dived into the line of fire-- because she was aiming at Itami. But my efforts to shield him failed-- the sparkling bullets arced -around- me, and once past, continued on their original path... I turned, horror freezing my throat-- Itami jerked as the bullets slammed into him. Blood was suddenly everywhere, and he staggered and toppled to the ground, hard. I moved to him, and as I did, I heard him draw in one ragged wheeze of a breath, and then another-- And then his eyes glazed over, and he was still. I didn't even have to check. I'd seen enough dead bodies in my time to know the difference. I just couldn't move for a moment. Then H screamed. I think she meant to yell "No!" or "Itami!" or some such thing, but it just came out as one long screech. I didn't think lungs could hold enough air for that long a yell... Energy crackled through the air-- it was practically solid, and I had to brace myself against a wall. Kawaii had struggled back to her feet, but she wasn't grinning anymore-- And then something blew past me at supersonic speed, slamming into Kawaii, and sending her careening down the hall. I blinked, and H was standing there at the point of impact. She was still wearing her usual daring costume, but she didn't look at all sexy anymore, somehow. She looked terrifying. Kawaii was picking herself up at the other end of the corridor, and H shot me a glance. "I'm sorry, Yoi," she said, "but even after this, I think you'd try to stop me, for Aika's sake." I didn't even see it-- but whatever it was hit me like someone had thrown a brick wall at me-- a brick wall studded with tasers. I bounced off the wall and sprawled sideways on the tiled floor. I tried to move, but could only manage a few feeble twitches. However, my head was turned so that I could see what happened next. H flew at Kawaii, and Kawaii came at H, and then the air was ripped by coruscating bolts of energy. Ozone filled my nostrils, and I could feel the building itself tremble. Cracks appeared in the walls, and at the heart of a small star down the corridor, H and Kawaii fought. Kawaii was vicious and ruthless, and any number of attacks she made would have been enough to destroy a few tanks-- but H shrugged them off, and pressed her own attacks relentlessly. I'll wonder to this day if H could have beaten Kawaii if Kawaii hadn't already been wounded-- but that's all speculation, and the fact was, Kawaii began to slow down and weaken. H's whip began to score again and again, and soon it was all Kawaii could do just to defend herself. H moved in and knocked Kawaii down. As Kawaii scrambled to get to her feet, H grabbed the length of her whip in both hands-- I wanted to stop what was coming, but I couldn't move-- I couldn't even speak. A loop of leather fell over Kawaii's head and tightened around her neck, and then she was thrashing about, clawing at H's arms, kicking desperately for purchase on the slick tile floors-- and all I could see was Aika's face, twisted in agony. Kawaii floundered about, trying to free herself from H's clutches, but to no avail. I watched the entire struggle, right down to the last convulsive kicks. It was over. Captain Kawaii was dead, and whether or not there had been any trace of Aika left in her body, she was dead, too. H dropped the body. "You deserved a longer death, bitch," she spat. Then she swayed, and seemed to sag a bit. Slowly, she tottered back to where Itami lay and knelt down beside him. She stroked his hair a bit and closed his eyes. I'm not sure how long she knelt there, but eventually she rose, and turned towards me. I was still paralyzed. Even if I could have moved, I'm not sure what I would have done. Part of me wanted to hurt H for killing Aika. But another part of me had wanted to kill Kawaii just as much as H had. Itami was dead. Aika was dead. I just didn't care what happened now. H looked down at me. "I'm sorry," she said, softly. "I liked Aika too. I hope you can forgive me sometime." Her voice broke. "I can't forgive myself for failing Itami." A number of guns had spilled out of my coat when I had fallen. I saw one small handgun begin to slide along the floor on its own towards my hand. It was sort of like that American Star Wars movie, only it wasn't MY Force making it go. It slid into my palm, and my fingers closed on it-- all against my will. My arm raised. H was weeping freely as my arm took aim at her. "You'll be able to move in about a half-hour." She sniffled a little. "Ever considered necrophilia, Yoi? Good-bye." And then my finger pulled the trigger. There was a sharp crack of a noise-- a small red hole appeared neatly between H's eyes, and she leaned backwards and flopped loosely to the floor. My arm dropped along with her. Her limbs jerked aimlessly a few times, and then nothing more. I still couldn't move. I didn't care. And then I noticed that the way H had fallen, I could see right up her skirt. Black vinyl panties. I wanted to laugh, or scream, or something. ********** Your sense of time doesn't work well when you're paralyzed on the floor, so I'm not sure how long it took before people started creeping back-- mostly security guards and police, peering around corners to see if the destruction was done with for now. I heard a faraway call for the coroner. I guess they thought I was dead along with the others. Maybe if I could have moved, I would have been. And then it got quiet. REAL quiet. as if everyone and everything had stopped moving. Oh. Of course. It figured. "Ah, hello Yoi," said Ramsbottom-- the Koi Ramsbottom. "Ever so glad to see you again. I tell you true, old chap-- this is such a stroke of luck that I simply hadn't anticipated. All your friends are dead, and now nothing can stop me from taking your body." THERE IT WAS AGAIN! My damn BODY! What the HELL was the deal with taking my damn BODY??!? My suicidal thoughts of moments earlier evaporated under the white-hot heat of confused, frustrated rage. Perhaps Koi sensed my change of mood, because he paused, and said, "You know, I do believe that even after all this, you still haven't a clue of what's going on. How utterly delicious!" "Would you finally like to know, Yoi? Know what it's really all about, why things have been spiraling more and more out of control for you for so long?" Yes, I thought, I would indeed like to know that very much, and if I could move, you smarmy afterbirth of my personality, I'd extract the answer through your eye sockets. "Tell me, Yoi--" he said, drawing it out slowly, "What do you think makes cosmic beings notice you? Why do great powers pay attention to your comings and goings? Why should you have no fate? How is it, do you think, that a fragment of your own personality can detach itself so completely from you that it can posess its own life? Isn't all that just a touch unusual?" Koi began warming to his little explanation. "Yoi, you have been told you are Fateless, and that is true enough. But few have realized WHY it is you are Fateless. It is not because you are some pawn for one aspect of existence to gain a small advantage over the others. The other Ramsbottom wanted you to become the Champion of Chaos, but he was thinking too small. Order recently tipped to the truth, and has begun his own scheme to take advantage of it. Kawaii figured it out as well, and I deduced it from things she said-- which, of course, is why I bothered to do business with her." He looked over to where Aika's body lay. "I had a hunch she wouldn't be able to pull off her own plan. Then again, such is the nature of Chaos." Koi laughed. "My dear boy, I don't think I'll tell you what it's all about. I'll simply seperate you from your body and you can ponder the question in the spirit world for all eternity. When you finally figure it out, you'll just kick yourself." I recognized something in that tone of voice. I should, considering Koi started out as a portion of my own mind. There was something Koi wasn't telling me-- because he didn't want me to know. And the only reason he could want me to not know something is because knowing it would somehow let me thwart his purpose-- and since his purpose was to take over my body, that would mean I would somehow be able to counter both H's paralysis and Koi's own powers as Ramsbottom. Koi reached his hands for my head. If I didn't figure it out in a few milliseconds, he was going to do what Kawaii tried to do. Ramsbottom was very powerful, and could stop time and such. What sort of thing could defeat that? A god, or something more powerful... My mind clicked into gear, things fell into place. A threat to Order, Mai had said. Such is the nature of Chaos, Koi had just told me. And no manifestation of Chaos had appeared for around 20 years. And who was in his 20s? Crazy as it sounded-- no, as STUPID as it sounded-- I was Chaos. Somehow, for some reason, I was Chaos itself. And Chaos didn't have to be worried about Koi or paralysis if it didn't want to be. I only had to truly know that I was Chaos. "I am Chaos," I said out loud in a clear voice. "I am not paralyzed." Immediately I rolled out of Koi's reach, and got to my feet. Bruises and wounds all over me protested, but it was good to move again. Koi's face was a mask of bitter disappointment and hate, and I loved seeing it like that. "Damn you, Yoi," he snarled. "I am Chaos," I murmured. "I am uninjured." Every last ache in or on my body vanished. Even the stitches were gone now. Something occured to me. "I am Chaos," I nearly yelled. "I am a man, a man, a MAN!" And I was. Even my clothes adjusted to match. The sports bra disappeared. I cackled with glee. "I am Chaos, you asshole," I said, turning to Koi, who was inching away, "And you are going to stay put until you explain WHY I am Chaos!" After all-- you'd think a guy would REMEMBER something about being Chaos. A cage of rainbow fire sprang to life around Koi. He cringed. "Very well-- it appears my chance has passed. Ah, well, such is life." I glared at him. "Yes... well, you are Chaos only in a sense, Yoi. You know that Chaos can manifest itself in any form. In this case, it has manifested in a form that is both at once mundane and unusual-- your body." "huh?" Koi/Ramsbottom looked like he wanted to clam up, but he kept on talking. "Just your body-- probably happened at conception. Chaos manifested as a developing human infant's body. Your body. Your mind, however, is not a manifestation of Chaos. Just your body." "Just my-- but that doesn't make sense..." Koi shrugged. "Chaos is anything it chooses to be," he said. "And the body Chaos manifested as was perfectly normal in every way-- and a normal body obeys the mind that drives it. Since you control the body, you essentially control Chaos. Your mind is not of Chaos, but it might as well be." "So that's what all this fuss over my body was about... everyone else wanted to be Chaos. Anyone who put their mind in my body would be able to control it and run Chaos." "Indeed," grumbled Koi. "And I was so close..." "Yeah, well, close doesn't get the prize," I said. I walked around a bit, thinking this over. Access to cosmic god-powers had its perks, but things were going to get a hell of a lot more complicated for me-- AGAIN-- once all the other powers that be realized I knew the truth. And it wasn't like I knew *HOW* to be Chaos-- it was only my body, not my mind that was Chaos. If Chaos had its own intelligence (and I'm sure it did, it would be just like my luck to have a body with a personality of its own), it was either dormant or just not talking to me or anyone else. I had an eerie thought. When was Chaos supposed to "wake up"? And when that happened, what would happen to me? Would my body that was Chaos just evaporate, and leave my spirit adrift while it became a banana with five points or something? Something told me that I'd better get this sorted out fast. If Chaos was asleep, I'd bet a lot of the cosmic stuff that had happened (and was about to happen) would be enough to jolt it awake. And I had stuff to do. For one: Now that I had Koi... "All right, thanks for the info, but I think it's time for you to finally stop existing, Koi, "old chap"..." I trailed off-- since Koi was gone from my prison. Hmm. Seems he still had enough Ramsbottom tricks to get free. Well, I wasn't too worried about him anymore. I let the cage dissipate. That left me alone in the corridor with my dead friends. I noted that with Koi gone, time was beginning to move forward... "I am Chaos," I said. "Just hold on a minute while I think, all right?" Time obligingly ground down to a halt again. Actually, there really wasn't any need to think about it. I knew what I wanted. "I am Chaos," I said, "and my friends are all alive and healed and Aika is back in her body, and the office is back the way it was before it got blown up." I waited, happiness welling up within me-- I could -feel- that across town, the office was indeed made whole once again. I looked down at H, who was closest to me. She stared up at me from the floor, unblinking... And stared... Damn it-- they weren't alive again! I thought this would be easy for Chaos to do! I kicked H sharply in the side, but she only jiggled there on the floor for a second, still staring senselessly up. "What're YOU looking at?" I snapped, and went back to pacing. Maybe I just hadn't done it right or something. "I am Chaos," I said, "And my friends are ALIVE, DAMMIT." Nothing, not even so much as a twitch. I lost it. I began to engage in behavior unbecoming a cosmic entity-- to wit, I began to jump up and down, screaming and cursing. "I'M FREAKING CHAOS AND I SAY MY FRIENDS ARE ALIVE RIGHT NOW! GET UP, ITAMI! AIKA! H! YOU UNGRATEFUL CORPSES! I'M CHAOS, DAMMIT, AND I'M ORDERING YOU TO BE ALIVE AGAIN!!" I stopped, panting. "Whyyyy aren't they alive again?" I wailed. A door opened in the hall-- one of the patients' rooms-- which was odd, because I was pretty sure time was still stopped. "Ramsbottom," I growled, tensing, "All right, Koi, come and get it..." "Ramsbottom?" echoed a girl's voice. "Where?" A small figure stepped into better light, and now I could see her clearly. She appeared to be yet another Magical Girl of the 7 or 8-year-old age range, right down to the fuku and all, but instead of a bright day-glo or pastel color, her outfit was uniformly red. Not bright red-- a deep, rich red, like blood or cooling lava. Something about her face reminded me of Captain Kawaii, when she'd been a little girl. My eyes drifted above her face-- where a pair of little red horns were sprouting out from a mass of red curls. Further inspection revealed a short red tail poking out from under her skirt, as well as an adorable pair of little bat-like wings growing out of her back. And instead of a wand, she held an precious little red pitchfork. "Oh no," I groaned. "Don't tell me." The girl curtsied. "Sailor Morning Star, at your service, Yoi... but you can call me Lucy." I snorted. "Not what I'd expect from the embodiment of Evil." "Why Yoi-- what has seemed most evil in your eyes for so many years? I thought it would be appropriate... but if you prefer..." Instantly the hall was filled with a nightmare vision-- a huge, bloated red demon with three heads-- its immense triple maw was filled with wailing souls, which it gnashed between yellow fangs-- it roared, and the stench of rot filled the air-- "Okay, already," I said, coughing. "You made your point." Just like that, the little girl was back again. "Now, Yoi," she said sweetly, "let's get down to business. It's obvious that you've discovered that your body is the latest manifestaion of Chaos." "You knew that? For how long?" "I learned it about three minutes ago, when you TRIED TO SMASH HELL DOWN AROUND MY LITERALLY DAMNED EARS!!" she shrieked. I caught a brief whiff of that rot-smell again. "Beg pardon?" I murmured. "Look Yoi-- you seem like a nice enough kid-- and you have Chaos for a body-- but even you can't just go ressurecting people without going through channels! The afterlife is built to hold souls for good, and if you just go in and try to rip them out, well, things get nasty, the Powers battle, universes die, stuff like that. When you were trying to raise your friends here, you were really tearing the joint up, down below." "You mean... all my friends are in Hell? Even Aika?" "What did you expect, they'd get medals for their killing sprees?" "Well-- that sounds reasonable enough, I guess--" I mused, "but I've seen with my own eyes people who were dead come back, and I know for sure a couple were from Hell-- why them, and not my friends?" "Loopholes," Lucy groused. "That Ultra moron and his kids had free passes for a while-- and even though that's closed up, the kids know a few other tricks. Like whining to their boss, little puke-balls. Ah, well, I tagged them good this last time." Lucy smiled at some private thought. "Anyway," she continued, "Once a soul has passed on, you need some special dispensation to be dragging it back into the land of the living. And in most cases, that means going through ME." She smirked as she emphasized that last point. Swell. I could feel another hidden agenda begin to coil itself around me. "Let me guess. You're not planning on letting my friends live again unless I do something for you." "You -are- sharp. But don't fret, Yoi-- I'm sure we can come to some mutually beneficial agreement..." I sighed. Well, might as well let this play out for a while. At least there was a chance. But I couldn't leave things like this-- "I'm Chaos, and my friend's bodies are now in the office." The three of them vanished from the floor. "All right, Lucy," I said. "Let's talk." ********* The afterlife never crossed my mind much, so I can't say Hell was not what I expected. Lucy and I walked down what appeared to be a the corridor of a luxurious hotel. A trifle warm, and the red decor was a bit monotonous after a time, but a reasonably nice place. "If you're in Administration, Hell is a very nice place," Lucy said, as if reading my thoughts. "Stop reading my thoughts," I said. "Ah, here we are--" and she reached up and turned the knob on a large, ornate door. The inside of the room was a marked contrast to the hallway-- in fact, it was more cavern than room. At a glance, I could see that it was wider than it should be, if the other doors in the hallway were any indication. From the door, a thin, shaky-looking path of flat stones hung suspended in mid-air-- it was the only surface level with the door. I looked down and saw a hundred-foot drop into a plain of sharp stalagmites. Something was burning at the bottom-- flames licked up through the spikes in random locations. I looked up, across the cavern. At the far end was a tall column of rock, about 10 meters across, and high as the floating path. Fire flowed up its side, licking several feet past its top, obscuring my sight, but I could just make out two or three figures standing within the flames... "Shall we?" Lucy asked. "Or are you nervous?" "Chaos can fly," I answered, and floated up and over the path. "Good choice," said Lucy brightly as she began to skip along the stones. "Some of these stones are rigged with traps. In fact, all of them are..." I kept my eyes open for an ambush, but nothing happened as we approached the pillar. There was a little time for me to adjust to the heady feeling of having cosmic powers. I was flying! Or, this was a really long and complicated dream, and I was lying in bed. Yeah, that'd be par for the course, I'd snap awake and be a woman again. Well, at least in that case, Itami and the others would still be alive... Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe I never got out of school, and this whole Magical Girl Hunter career was one long delusion. I'd wake up, and me and Itami would cut up during the entire school day. Nah. Among other things, it would be a really cheap way out. We finally reached the end of the path, and Lucy hopped through the wall of flame. "Chaos doesn't burn," I muttered, and followed. Lucy stood to one side inside the ring of fire, and on the other side I could see them. Itami and H were huddled together, Aika stood nearby-- and there was another figure I hadn't expected-- Captain Kawaii. The four of them gaped at me as I floated through the flames and landed on the stone. I turned to Lucy and jerked a thumb at Kawaii. "What's SHE doing here?" I snarled. The girl-fiend shrugged. "Accounting error. She was in the body when it died, so when I had your friends collected, she got mistaken for one. We had to do a bit of searching for Aika, there." I gave the others another look. H was clinging to Itami, and both were staring at me, with questioning looks. Aika stood alone, arms wrapped around herself. It was hot, but she was shuddering, and had a shocky look about her, staring at nothing in particular. Poor kid. I wondered how long she'd been here, and how badly it had hurt her. Kawaii I had no sympathy for. She cringed like a wild animal when I looked at her. She knew. What was interesting was how they were dressed. Itami had on his usual trenchcoat and dark clothes, H and Kawaii had their usual fukus-- since these were souls, I figured they were appearing as they saw themselves. H and Kawaii identified more with their transformed selves, so that's how they looked here. Aika, however,was a different matter. She hadn't accepted her magical girl status as easily as the others-- in fact it had made her suicidal at first-- but she'd began to adjust. Still, looking at her now, it was obvious she hadn't quite fully come to terms with things. Her attire was an odd blend of the combat-styled gear she wore as a Magical Girl, and the street and school clothes she wore as a normal girl of her age. Still, I only pondered that for a moment. A moment of paranoia washed over me, and I muttered under my breath, "Chaos doesn't get fooled by illusions and stuff." I blinked, and everybody stayed the same-- so these were the genuine articles. Good. I stepped towards Kawaii. She shrunk away, pressing against the wall of flame, whimpering as it scorched her back. I was about to do something messily creative when Lucy tugged me back. "UH-uh, sport," she said. "That's MY job." I looked down at her face-- cat-slit red eyes told me that there'd be big trouble if I took my anger out on Kawaii-- and after a while, I decided to let the matter drop. I turned to Itami and H. "Hey, Itami," I said. "Sorry about not blocking those bullets." He gave a dismissive grunt. H piped up. "Yoi-- what happened to you? You're male again-- did you die too? Why are you and HER chatting like you're on equal terms?" "Because we are, I guess," I said, and I gave them a quick rundown of what happened after they'd died. Explaining the mortal mind/body of Chaos business took a couple of tries, but eventually I managed to get the idea across. Lucy stood a few steps away, waiting patiently. I glanced at Aika, and lowered my voice a bit. "What about her? she doesn't look good at all." "I'm not sure," H said. "I can't tell if she's like that because she's been in Hell since being eaten by Ramsbottom, or if it's something else." I thought a moment. "Hell, I'm Chaos-- I should be able to find out what happened--" and even as I said it, a series of images fickered across my mind. Oh. I walked over to Aika, and put an arm around her, drawing her to my chest. She kept her arms stiff and wrapped around her, kept staring at nothing. "She didn't go to the afterlife when Ramsbottom ate Kawaii's body." I said, hoarsely. "Kawaii captured her spirit and kept it hanging around as she used Aika's body. She made her -watch-." As I said it, Aika slumped against me and burst into tears-- loud, howling, inconsolate sobs wracked her frame. I just held her close, and eventually Aika began to speak. "I- I s-saw it a-all," she moaned. "I h-had to wuh-watch her as she kiled my puh-parents, as she and Koi shot Murray, wuh-when she killed Ita-muh-mi..." She looked up at me. "Wuh-when you and her..." Anger crept into her voice. "At least I got to see you take her out, H! You were right-- she deserved a slower death!" She took a breath. "And then I was here in Hell-- and it was a relief, compared to what I'd been going through..." I still wanted to rip Kawaii's twisted little soul to shreds, even moreso now, but I figured it was better to keep my mind on the business at hand. "All right, Lucy. What kind of deal do you want to make for letting my friends go free and back to their bodies again?" Lucy grinned, and was about to say something, when a crack of thunder rocked the cavern. Rock rumbled and shifted under our feet, and I heard a string of incredibly unique swear words from Lucy. Well, of course, she'd know them all-- "It's too soon-- he wasn't supposed to find out this quick!" Lucy was yelling. "This is just going to SCREW my plans for brunch!" "I AM NOT AMUSED," A voice boomed across the cavern, "TO LEARN THAT YOU HAVE DISCOVERED THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF, YOI KURAISAMA. YOU WERE TO EITHER JOIN ORDER, OR BECOME A MERE LOWLY AGENT OF CHAOS, AT A LEVEL WHERE YOU COULD BE MONITORED AND EASILY CONTAINED." The flames surrounding the pillar suddenly whipped and blew out, as if it had been nothing more than a candle. A figure had materialized in midair in the cavern. About 4 meters tall, it appeared to be a gaunt, robed man-- but where his head should have been, there was a circle of twelve miniature stars. "You dickweed!" snapped Lucy. "I didn't invite you! You'd be bitching to the big guy in a minute if I barged into YOUR domain!" "That would be...?" I asked her. "Yeah. Order. Stupid prick." "BUT NOW, YOI," the booming voice continued, "YOU KNOW THE TRUTH, AND THAT CANNOT BE UNDONE. IT IS IMPERATIVE TO MY PLANS THAT CHAOS REMAINS DORMANT FOR A LONG TIME TO COME. I MUST TAKE ACTION SO THAT YOUR ACTIVITIES DO NOT DISTURB ITS SLUMBER. THEREFORE, I INTEND TO DESTROY YOUR MIND, AND LEAVE YOUR BODY OF CHAOS A VEGETABLE-- ALIVE BUT UNABLE TO DISTURB THE POWER OF CHAOS." The circle of stars spun a bit, and seemed to focus on me. "I DID WARN YOU." I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I just KNEW it. ************* It's been quite the ride-- wonder how it'll all turn out? Colin