Nothing's ever allowed to be easy for me, is it?
	Order towered over me, arms folded, letting his proclamation of doom
sink in. Considering that I had absolutely no idea _how_ I was supposed to
go about fighting off an embodiment of pure order roughly the size of a one
story house, I think I was justified in feeling a little less than pleased
with the situation. Still, I would've appreciated a little more faith from
everyone else. I mean, the only one who didn't seem to be somewhere in the
"worried to really really fucking scared" range was Lucy, who just looked
pissed off. I was hoping for at least a vote of confidence from Itami, but I
could see how his lips were pursed together just a little closer. Well fine
then pals, I'd just have to stand up on my lonesome for this one.
	"Oh screw you, Order." That's it. Confident, brave, completely out
of your mind. "Chaos doesn't feel like being pushed around today."
	That didn't seem to irk him as much as I'd hoped. But who can tell
with a guy who's got a bunch of stars for a head?
	"Oh, that was _real_ goddamn smart, pal." Lucy smacked her forehead.
	Slowly, Order uncrossed his massive arms. It would've been a real
good time for me to think of a plan of action.
	"YOUR DESIRES ARE INSIGNIFICANT, YOI KURASAKA. ORDER MUST BE
MAINTAINED, AND FOR THAT PURPOSE, YOU SHALL BE CRUSHE-"
	"I'm afraid we'll be having none of that, old chap," said a familiar
voice.
	Looking up past Order's shoulder, I wasn't too surprised to find
that Ramsbottom had made yet another uninvited appearance. What _did_
surprise me, was that he seemed to have brought two friends along, both of
them himself.  The three Ramsbottoms hung like bats, their feet planted
firmly on the cavern ceiling. Whether by the power of Chaos or Crazy-Glue,
their hats stayed put on their heads.
	"Lovely little passage you left open there," said Ramsbottom #1,
waggling a finger in Order's direction. "Quite clean and... ah, 'orderly',
wouldn't you say, Mr. Ramsbottom?"
	"Quite, quite, Mr. Ramsbottom," said Ramsbottom #2. "But to return
to my original statement, we really can't have you doing anything nasty to
our fine Mr. Kurasaka, Order old bean. No, no, not at all."
	"Yes," said Ramsbottom #3. "As much as I despise solidarity, I'm
afraid I must agree with Mr. Ramsbottom here. Wouldn't want to let down the
old 'home team', now would we?"
	"I third that motion," said the Ramsbottom #1.
	"Motion carried," declared #2, rapping his cane against a nearby
stalactite.
	"Well," said #3, "in that case..."
	The three leaped from the ceiling and began to fly about Order like
an underpopulated swarm of wasps. They were moving fast, faster than I
should have been able to see. But I did. They circled him at least fifty
times before I could bring my hand up to scratch my cheek. The faster they
went, the more their features blurred. When they finally stopped, I realized
it hadn't been the speed that distorted their faces. Raising their canes
like spears poised to strike, they let out a garbled, insect-like cry that
seemed to echo throughout all of Hell itself.
	Within two seconds the place was covered in pudding.
	"Thanks a lot, guys," I said, wiping the brown goo from my eyes, "for
_nothing_."

***

Improfanfic Presents...

MAGICAL GIRL HUNTERS

Episode 46: All Good Things...

Written by Aaron Shattuck

Edited by Chippy the Transvestite Gnome


***

	"I am Chaos," I said with as much dignity as I could muster, "and I
am no longer coated in chocolate pudding."
	There now, I thought, looking over my now perfectly clean clothes.
Good as new.
	"Ahem," H coughed.
	I think I deserve a medal for not laughing when I turned around.
	"Oh yeah, hmph- and hmph-hhmph- neither is anyone else.
	That seemed to make everyone a lot happier.
	"I dunno know, H," I said. "I thought it worked pretty well on
you..."
	"Shut up, Yoi."
	Did I say a medal? I want the key to the city.
	"Okay gang," I said as soon as I had control of myself. "Crisis
time."
	Understatement of the year. As far as I could see Order hadn't done
_anything_ to bring the Ramsbottom boys death by chocolate. Didn't even lift
a finger. This was most definitely a "bad" sign and my growing collection
assured that it wouldn't get lonely.
	"Anyone have any bright ideas about what we can do here?"
	Lots of blank stares.
	"Run?" Itami finally suggested.
	"Oooookay," I said, "I'll put that on the list of... possibilities."
	Hey, at least the guy was trying.
	"Getmeoutgetmeoutgetmout."
	"Shut up, Kawaii! You're not in on this!"
	Aika's face went from sour snarl to something more thoughtful.
	"Um, Yoi," she said. "Aren't you like a god or something now?"
	"... Kinda..."
	"You did say you were on equal terms with Satan," H pointed out.
	"Yeah, but... well, for starters, you saw how easy it was for
Order-boy to just barge in here. And it doesn't really look like Lucy's got
what it takes to knock him back out."
	"Mmmm." Itami scratched his chin.
	"Plus, I mean, he sure isn't _acting_ like we're an even match."
	"Could be bluffing."
	"Could be, but I don't think so. To tell you guys the truth I'm not
really Chaos incarnate, I'm just sort of wearing it. I think that gives me
some drawbacks."
	"What if it was you _and_ Evil fighting him?" Aika asked.
	Ding!
	"Hey, I think you got something there!" Sure I'd probably have to do
some hefty bargaining to convince Lucy, probably end up having to help her
take over the world or something, but as my options went, it was pretty damn
good.
	"I don't think that'll work," H said.
	"Oh? Why not?"
	Don't tell me, please don't tell me.
	"Look."
	I turned in the direction H pointed to and found Lucy smiling as she
shook hands with Order's finger. Looked like they'd been having a little
chat. Noticing my gaze, she gave me a guilty shrug and floated off to a far
corner of the cavern.
	Serves me right for trusting the Devil, I guess.
	Well there was no getting around it now. I was going to have to use
the direct approach. I hoped my misgivings were just a result of my usual
paranoia.
	Arms thrust dramatically, I concentrated on exerting my will over
time and space.
	"Chaos says... Order gets blown to pieces!"
	Order re-crossed his arms, stubbornly refusing to explode.
	"Um... Chaos says... a big anvil falls on Order's head!"
	One about the size of a hippo popped into existence just below the
ceiling and immediately fell towards its target. It was maybe a couple
centimeters from the top star in Order's ring when it rebounded off of thin
air and crashed harmlessly to the ground below.
	"Chaos... uh... Chaos says... Order... gets... a ... really...
bad... itch?"
	Well, he wasn't scratching, anyway.
	"I don't suppose that I could just _promise_ not to awaken Chaos?"
	"NO."

***

	The first thing I noticed about the room was that it was obviously
painted by someone with an unhealthy fetish for white. Of course, this made
some sense once I realized I was in a hospital, but it was a little jarring
at first.
	It was the gown that really tipped me off, once I'd thrown the
covers from my bed and noticed it. After that things like the smell of
disinfectant, and the plastic privacy curtains hanging from the ceiling
confirmed my suspicions.
	So, what was I doing in a hospital anyway?
	Last I remembered I was in the kind of predicament a few stitches
doesn't usually doesn't cure too well. Obviously I'd missed something down
the line here.
	"Can you hear me, Yoi?"
	I whipped around to find a man with a bushy beard and obvious toupee
sitting by my bedside, a thick notebook held firmly in his hands.
	"Can you understand me? My name is Dr. Hige. Can you say that?"
	"I'm not sure, can I have a few practice tries?"
	The man smiled, a look of relief flooding his features.
	"That's all right, Yoi.	I suppose you must be feeling... well, I
can't imagine what you're feeling right now, but it's very important to stay
calm and bear with us."
	"Calm? Sure, I can do calm. Tell you what, I'll just sit here real
calmly, and while I'm doing that, you can tell me what's going on."
	I countered his smile with my own.
	"Answers, yes... Well, to start with, you're in the Nippon Institute
of Mental Health. You've... I don't know how to tell you this but... you've
been mentally unstable for a very long time."
	A black hole opened in the pit of my stomach. Order. Order had said
he'd crush my mind.
	"I... see."
	Hige stroked his beard nervously.
	"I'm glad you're taking this... so well, Yoi. I can see how this
would be rather startling information for you..."
	"How long?"
	"Ah..."
	"How long've I been bonkers?"
	"Twenty... twenty years."
	"_Twenty_?" I looked at my hands; they didn't look twenty years
older.
	"Yes, you were brought here as a child and-"
	Hige made a sound like a doggy chew-toy when I grabbed him by his
tie.
	"Excuse me," I said to the ceiling, "I think I might've mentioned
this before, but Chaos doesn't get fooled or anything."
	Nothing happened. I was getting pretty tired of that.
	"Yoi... please."
	Looked like I'd have to wring the truth out of Dr. Quackers.
	"Dr. Hegi," I said, as polite as can be, "I don't want to make
presumptions, but you are obviously full of bullshit and right now my
friends, my only friends in the whole wide world, are burning in the fires
of Hell you fucker! So let's cut the charade and play real nice with Mr.
Kurasaka or he might go and do something really not 'calm'."
	"Listen... to me... I can... help you..."
	"Good." I let go of his tie and let him gasp for air for a bit.
	"You're still not... *wheeeze* cured. Residue... *wheeeze*
delusion."
	"That's not what I want to hear, Doc..."
	"It's the truth. You must..."
	"I think we'll need to work a little harder on that 'truth' thing."
I swung out of the bed, prompting Hegi to take a step back. "You have any
medical experience, Doc? I sure hope so..."
	"Please Yoi, I know you can distinguish reality from fantasy, you
just have to listen-"
	"Listen to this!" I grabbed him, what little of my patience I had
left fell screaming in flames. "They're in hell, do you understand?!" I
shook him like a tambourine. "Real hell! Real pain, constantly, everyday for
eternity! Aika-!"
	"There is no Aika!" With surprising strength Hegi pushed me away,
sending me sprawling to the bed. I never saw where he took the gun from.
"She doesn't exist! None of them exist! It's not real! All lies!"
	And he said I was crazy. I nodded slowly, as much because of the
look on his face, as the weapon in his hand.
	Hegi panted for awhile before the red tinge finally left his skin.
Giving me an embarrassed look, he stuck the gun in his coat pocket and sat
back down.
	"I'm... very sorry, Yoi. I... I lost my temper."
	"That's... okay,... Doc." I eyed the bulge in his pocket.
	"Will you hear me out? Will you at least listen?"
	"Yeah... sure."
	Hegi smiled and bent down to pick up his notebook from the floor.
	"You see this book?" he asked, holding it out to me.
	It was one of those cheap "personal diaries" stingy relatives get
their nieces and nephews for their birthdays. In fact, I had an uncle that
gave me one just like it.
	"For twenty years the _only_ thing you've done, besides the usual
physical necessities, is write in this book. That was it, you never spoke,
never gave any indication of noticing the world around you. Today," he
paused to open the back cover, revealing a page covered in tiny black
scrawl, "you finished it. And now, well, here you are."
	He closed the book and looked expectantly at me.
	"I am Chaos, and I am back in Hell," I said, but my heart wasn't
really in it.
	"Here," Hegi said, opening the diary again and bringing it up to his
face. "Maybe this will refresh your memory. 'Great,

***

	she was doing jumping jacks in her underwear.
	Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't _enjoy_ watching
half-naked women (although in certain cases like H it can get pretty damn
frustrating.) It was just the whole "I'm going to kill her in a matter of
seconds" thing mixed in that was making me feel kinda queasy. Guess I'm just
a prude at heart.
	I considered handing the rifle over to Itami, but... No, I said I'd
take care of the dirty work this time. Besides, it would be just our luck
for her to move into a perfect position while we made the trade off.
	Strange, I really thought she was on the level when she said she'd
do what we asked. Guess it just goes to show that you can't _always_ trust
your instincts. Or maybe she just didn't have as much pull as she thought
she did. Shame, really.
	But, there she was, _right_ by the window. I let out a couple rounds
and it was over.
	"Guess that's the last of the Ultras," I mused. "Huh, Itami?"
	Itami might've shrugged but it was too dark to tell.

***

	I didn't know quite how to respond to that. I'd had my thoughts read
before, but this was the first time someone did it literally. Not that those
were my exact thoughts at the time, mind you. Oh sure, I did think of most
of that stuff, but I also had a commercial for Tako Chips stuck in my head
at the time. You know, the one with the skateboarding penguin? And I was
pretty sure that I didn't wonder about Kaneko betraying our agreement until
_after_ I'd shot her. Still, it was a pretty creepy experience.
	"Could I see that, Doc?" I asked.
	Hegi nodded and handed me the book. Briefly, an idea flashed in my
head. Grab his arm, pull him to you, get his gun. But by then he'd already
sat back down.
	The experience got even creepier when I started flipping through the
pages of the notebook. Each one was covered in my handwriting, sloppy loops
and all.
	Stopping somewhere near the middle, I decided to read a passage for
myself.

***

	Aika choked once and appeared to stop breathing.  I could see the
gunman advancing.  All hope seemed lost.  I was almost desperate enough to
pray for a miracle.
	Let's face it. That wasn't going to happen.
	So, it came right down to cold, hard logic. Either escape and let
Aika die or rush out there in a blaze of tragic heroism and die with her.
The answer to that little equation should have been obvious, if not pretty.
One dead is better than two, after all. But of course, it wasn't quite that
easy. I couldn't do that. Just turn my back and let them kill her. So I took
the only other option left to me.
	I shot her in the head. Then I escaped.

***

	"Now see," I said, "that's wrong. Kawaii saved us that time. Hell,
it doesn't even make any sense. If I killed Aika then, how could she die
later?"
	"There are quite a lot of inconsistencies, actually," Hegi replied.
"For instance, there's one part where you claim that a friend of yours gets
braces, but after that..."
	I ignored him and looked down at my hands. They were shaking.
	I wasn't falling for any of this tripe, was I? Of course not, it was
obviously a trick. The fact that they'd gotten a part wrong should be proof
of that.
	Of course, it could've been right, if Kawaii hadn't shown up.
	I shook the thought out of my head. I wasn't going to get anywhere
this way. But-
	Just one more bit. I just wanted to see how else they screwed up.

***

	Diesel flinched as I put the barrel of my gun against her forehead.
For a moment, I didn't feel right.  Having second thoughts?  Nah. I squeezed
the trigger and at that very second her eyes flew open.
	"No, wait-"
	But by then it was too late.
	I stared at the body for a long time, watching until the pool of
blood became at least as large as her body, now clad in an average
schoolgirl's uniform.
	Maybe she just wanted to smoke another cigarette.
	Yeah, sure, that was it.
	I knelt beside her, trying to think of something to say, even if no
one was going to hear it, and then I noticed something peaking out of her
pocket.
	I took it out. It was the bank information.

***

	Okay, now this thing was pissing me off.
	I threw the book down hard and watched bounce on the floor, pages
fanning in the air until it landed back down again, open.
	"It lied again. It didn't happen like that."
	"Yoi..."
	I was getting emotional about this. That was bad. That was what they
wanted. They knew I'd get like this. Get stupid, listen to them.
	Who were they again?
	"Yoi..."
	"Huh? Oh, sorry Dr. Hegi."
	"Reinrix."
	"What?"
	"My name is Dr. Reinrix, not Hegi."
	"Oh."
	"That's okay, Yoi." Reinrix picked the book back off the floor.
	"It didn't happen like that. Her eyes were closed the whole time. She
wanted me to do it. Heck, she _paid_ me to do it."
	Reinrix said nothing.
	"It... didn't happen."
	"_None_ of it happened, Yoi."
	When I looked up at Reinrix, he looked clear, far clearer than a
second ago. I'd always thought that my vision was twenty-twenty, but it
must've been a bit off, because nothing looked this clear before then.
	"The book does lie," he said. "It's _all_ lies. _None_ of it ever
happened. You've been here the whole time. You never killed anyone in your
life."
	"I have to go," I realized suddenly. "The others are still down there."
	"Your friends are fine, Yoi. Nothing bad ever happened to anyone."
	Nothing...
	He was right, what was I thinking? Insane angels, girls with magic
powers; that was crazy.
	"But Yoi, I need to ask a favor from you. The key to your
condition... I'm convinced it lies in that book. But we can't read the
earlier parts... It's the handwriting, you see? We... I need you to read it.
Can you do that?"
	Yeah... Yeah, I could do that.

***

    I was sitting at the foot of the table.  Somehow I knew it was the foot
and not the head, by some dream logic.  To my left was a woman who
immediately made me think of Reika, but that was just because she was a few
years older than me and wearing a business suit.  To my right was a girl who
looked about 18-19 with short red hair, and something about her whispered
'Magical Girl' to my finely honed instincts.  Beyond the suit woman was what
appeared to be an angel...wings, halo, benign expression, the whole
enchilada, and beyond the girl was a guy about my age...who sorta looked
familiar, but seemed to be rather poorly lighted, so I couldn't get a clear
look at him.

***

	I looked up from the handsome, leather-bound book on the podium and
saw a room full of people staring back at me. There was maybe fifty of them,
seated in folding chairs arranged in what might've passed off for a
semi-circle, a look of attention on each of their faces. It was just like
one of those nightmares I had back in high school, only I was wearing
clothes this time.
	"Do you need a glass of water, Mr. Kurasaka?" asked Dr. Reinrix. He
sat in a chair more or less next to me, facing the audience like I did.
	"No I... I'm fine," I said.
	"Cold feet, eh?" he whispered. "Don't worry, I can tell you that
everyone's damn impressed by your work. Not _one_ of them has left so far."
	I smiled back weakly and looked down at the crisp, black typeset.
	"'Try an earlier part,' he said."

***

	"We were able to read that one."
	I nodded and peeled back a handful of pages.

***

	I don't think there are any people in this wide, wonderful world who
believe being surrounded by youma is a *good* thing.


***

	"No, that's not far back enough."

***

	"Someone, please--" I moaned, "lob a large bomb into the room... or-

***

	No. Farther.

***

	Most cults-

***

	Farther.

***

	Now, shooting "Kyo" wasn't-

***

	Farther.

***

	Ureshii park-

***

	Farther.

***

	They dove-

***

	_Farther_.

***

	Keikaku -

***

	FARTHER.

***

	She was dead. I'd killed her. Bang bang, just like that. She was...
what, eleven?
	Easy there, Yoi.
	But there was blood, everywhere. All over the alley, all over my
shoes, all over my socks and her forehead with the big gaping hole and she'd
jerked around like a wind-up toy on its back and she made sounds and
	Yoi...
	She was just a little kid! I fucking killed a little kid! I blew her
brains right out! I
	Yoi!
	They were going to kill me. There were cops hiding, right behind the
corner. They wanted to kill me. Just waiting for me to twitch
	Shut up!
	I...
	Look, Yoi, no one's going to kill you. The cops don't give a shit
about these kids, you know that. And even if they did, you're not going to
get caught. You know why? Because you're going to make sure there aren't any
witnesses. Because you're going to wipe the blood off your shoes and burn
the rag.  Because you're going to act like a goddamn professional which is
what you are now, okay?
	But... she was eleven...
	Remember her eyes? The way she looked at you when she shot those
nasty little burning hearts from her hands? That wasn't a self-defense look,
buddy.
	Like... I was a bug or something.
	Yeah, just like that. Now get moving before somebody sees you.
	My heart nearly exploded when I felt the hand clamp down on my
shoulder. But it was only Reinrix. Good old Dr. Reinrix.
	"I'm sorry, Yoi. This still isn't far back enough yet."

***


	"Quack quack quack waaaaaak!"
	The cartoon duck fell to the bottom of the screen, where that
annoying dog picked it up and showed it off like _he'd_ done anything
besides snitch. I thought about shooting him for a bit, but then he flushed
another one out real fast. Smart poochy.
	"Quack quack quack waaaaaak!"
	I liked this game a lot. I mean, besides the dog. It one of the few
things that I was good at. Too bad that didn't count for much in school.
Ugh, that reminded me, Mom would probably show up soon and start getting on
my case about studying. Usually I'd just ignore her, but it was getting cold
out and she could start forcing me to wear short pants again.
	"Quack quack quack waaaaaak!"
	Ah, well. Pretending to read a math textbook for three or four hours
wasn't really so bad. And at least she wasn't bugging me about making
friends anymore. Yeah, like I _wanted_ to hang out with those jerks in my
class. All of them could just die for all I cared. Well, except for that
Itami kid, I guess. He was okay, even if he didn't really talk that much. I
hoped Kibishii-sensei would pair me up with him for the science project
tomorrow. Not with Hanami, like last time. She gave me the creeps, always
carrying around that pet mouse of hers. I even caught her talking to it
once. Not like girls usually do to their pets, all babyish and stuff. More
like she expected it to talk back or something. Good thing she missed school
a lot.
	"Quack quack quack quack quack!"
	Darn it! I missed!
	"Hee hee hee hee hee!"
	Shut up, dog.
	*Click-clack*
	Oh great, Dad was home. I'd definitely have to stop playing now. Dad
didn't want me to do anything fun, he wanted me to be just as boring as he
was. I guess he didn't like me because I wasn't quite there yet, but I was
close. Every time I finished reading a comic book or watching a movie (the
American ones are the best) I'd start thinking about how cool like, Jet
Jaguar and Dirty Harry and all those guys were and then I'd think about
myself and I'd get a stomachache. I never did anything exciting. All I did
was science projects.
	I figured Dad'd be there any second; by now he knew where I spent
most of my time. I quickly drew the number of my new high score into the
carpet and reached over to shut off the TV. Dad showed up just when I turned
the little knob, I knew because I could hear him walking in. I turned around
and- It wasn't Dad after all.
	It was some guy wearing this stupid little hat (it looked like it
was supposed to be _baby's_ hat.) I'd never seen him before. I wondered if
maybe he was with the police or something. Yeah, he was probably gonna tell
me that Dad was secretly a member of the Yakuza or dead even. That'd be
cool.
	"Yoi," he said. He sounded kinda like James Bond.
	"Yeah, mister?"
	"Oh for the love of- Yoi, you're _not_ a kid."
	He was right. What the hell was I doing?
	I got up and took a look around the room. Blue shag carpet,
yellowish- whitish walls, a cheap wooden table with the TV on it and that
goddamn couch with the broken springs. I knew it better than I ever wanted
to. It was my family's old apartment. The one we had before I started going
to Jr. High.  The one which really shouldn't have been around anymore,
seeing as they knocked out the building for a mini-mall in ninety-two.
	But here it was, just like I remembered it. In fact, it was
_exactly_ like I remembered it. Which, when I thought about it, was probably
a bit different from how it actually was. I mean, the room was far too big,
for one thing.  There was no way we could've afforded an apartment that
large back then. Heck, the place my parents lived in now was smaller than
this, and we moved there _after_ Dad got his raise.
	So this was what, a meticulously crafted set? Not likely. Even the
most obsessed designer would probably miss that stain on the ceiling. A
dream?  Maybe. But I'd taken plenty trips inside my own noggin without that
as an excuse.  Of course, whenever that happened it was always because of-
	"Koi."
	"Ah." He dropped the English accent. "Now _that's_ the Yoi I know.
By the way, how did you guess?"
	"You're not made of chocolate. Look Koi, how 'bout this time we
_skip_ the usual fun and games and cut right to the bit where you tell me
how you're fucking with me this time?"
	Koi scowled and leaned against the doorframe.
	"Don't go blaming me," he said. "_I_ didn't have anything to do with
this."
	"Sure you didn't."
	He shook his head.
	"You really don't remember, do you?"
	"Yeah, I must be going senile in my old age. Better speak up, I
think I lost my hearing aid.
	"Order, Yoi. You still know who that is? Or are you too far gone
already?"
	A light bulb above my head made a valiant effort to turn itself on
before it graciously accepted the death of its filament.
	"Maybe."
	"Try a little harder, will you?"
	There was something. The word "order" stuck out of my brain like the
tag on a pillowcase, but no matter how much I tugged on it, nothing was
pulling loose. Finally I gave up on it and in total frustration started to
just claw slapdash through my gray matter, pulling up anything I could find
and throwing it in a big pile on the floor. Nothing but useless trivia and
hollow memories. Cars, ice cream flavors, old TV jingles, traumatizing
instances of childhood incontinence, gun mags, porn mags, golf lessons,
guitar lessons, TV shows, old dates, dead friends-
	A shadow, like a skyscraper with shoulders.
	"Wait..." I waved a hand at Koi and kneaded my forehead with the
other. "Big guy, right?"
	"Well 'guy' isn't exactly the word I'd use, but 'big', yes. Big,
practically unstoppable, no sense of tact... getting anything yet?"
	"Um, sorta...," I lied. "What about him?"
	"Didn't he say something to you? I think it was along the lines of,
	'THEREFORE,
	Murray looking like Swiss cheese meets fillet mignon.
	I INTEND
	Aika smiling, something nasty in her eyes.
	TO DESTROY YOUR MIND,
	A voice like rakes on concrete.
	AND LEAVE
	Itami dead.
	YOUR BODY OF
	Aika dead.
	CHAOS A
	H dead.
	VEGETABLE-- ALIVE
	Control. Over everything.
	BUT UNABLE TO DISTURB
	Fire pain evil.
	THE POWER OF CHAOS' or something to that effect."
	"Fuck."
	The shadow was illuminated now. And the light was coming from where
its head should have been.
	Koi smiled and tipped his hat in mock salute.
	"It sounds like your excellent powers of deduction have triumphed
again," he said. "Anyhow, as I don't doubt you've already guessed, the Order
has been doing exactly what it said it would. It played the tune, and you
danced perfectly. As it stands now, you're just a few pirouettes away from
becoming the international staring and drooling champion of the world."
	And he had to be cute about it too. I fell onto the couch and did my
best not to let the pain show when the springs gave me their rusty welcome.
	"But it's a damn good thing my best buddy Koi came to the rescue
just in time, huh?"
	See? Even in agony I make a point of being pleasant.
	"I have my own agenda for helping you, of course."
	"Sure you do. You people _always_ do. It's just that it tends not to
spell anything real nice for me in the end, y'know?" I carefully removed
myself from the Torture Couch and slid to the floor. "Frankly 'old chap' I
think I'm better off with the all-powerful bringer of brain damage. At least
he's honest."
	Koi knelt down, sticking his face a few centimeters closer than
psychologically comfortable.
	"Just what do you think’s going to happen?" he asked. "After the
Order destroys you, I mean. Do you think it'll end there? Everything
hunky-dory?  Not on what little remains of your life. It's going for the
kill this time, the death of Chaos. Joining the Ramsbottom corps had some
perks for me, a physical body being a particularly nice one, but it also has
a few drawbacks. Like being officially aligned. As soon as you go down,
people like me will be the first up against the wall."
	"How unfortunate for you."
	"Don't get me wrong, Yoi. I don't like you. But I like dying even
less. So here's my proposal: I let you know how you can get out of this with
your synapses intact, and you... ah, 'forget' about any problems I may have
caused you in the past."
	He smiled, all candy and sunshine.
	"You mean like helping Kawaii destroy my life, trying to kill me and
take over my body, things like that?"
	"Yes, things like that."
	"I'll think about it."
	Koi got up and looked down at me. The smile left his face, his eyes
were like frozen marbles now.
	"You won't hhave very much time for that.
	Hooo boy. I studied my thumbs. Looked like I was in a _real_ pickle
this time. Trusting Koi would be beyond stupid. Even if you ignored how much
he'd tried to screw me over in the past, there was the fact that he used to
be me, which just threw any claims of honesty out the window. The
alternative, of course, wasn't much prettier.
	Sometimes, I really missed the days when I could solve problems by
shooting people.
	"Okay Koi," I said, "let's hear what you got."
	"I'd be delighted."
	He offered his hand, took it away and shrugged when I got up by
myself.
	"Truth be told, you've had the power to escape Order all along."
	"So I never really needed you then?"
	"Too late to renege now." Koi chuckled. He was really enjoying this.
"Anyhow, your problem is that you haven't been realizing your full
potential. As Chaos you are of equal strength to Order."
	"It sure didn't seem that way last I checked."
	"That's because you weren't acting as Chaos, Yoi. You thought you
were, but you didn't truly identify yourself with what you are. You still
see yourself as Yoi Kurasaka. Yoi Kurasaka with unbelievable powers perhaps,
but Yoi Kurasaka nevertheless."
	"Maybe that's because I _am_ Yoi Kurasaka?"
	"No, you're not. Look, I'm sure you've already fingered your human
brain as a drawback to your body of Chaos, but what you must realize is that
the drawback only exists _within_ your own mind. You think that because the
Chaos is incarnate as your body, that it is something separate from you.
That is something that must be controlled by the mind. But your body is
just as much you as your mind is (more perhaps, the bodies of the Four are
more akin to souls than anything else,) and as I'm sure experience will
verify, the body can act without the brain's supervision."
	"So you're saying I should let Chaos do the walking?"
	"In a manner of speaking." He smiled again. "Look, what we have to
do is get you to convince yourself of what is true, that you are Chaos, all
of Chaos, and thus are entitled to everything Chaos can do, which is
limitless. Start by closing your eyes."
	I closed them.
	"Now breath deeply..."
	"This is going to be like one of those 'meditation exercises', isn't
it?"
	"Sort of."
	"I hate those."
	"I know. Concentrate on your breath..."
	"Koi?"
	"Yes?" Did I detect a hint of impatience in that voice?
	"If you're lying to me, I'll make sure your death is painful."
	"I'll bear that in mind. Now breathe already! Yes, very good. Now I
want you to pay attention to your body. To every minor ache, every itch,
anything it's feeling..."
	Koi's voice droned on and on. Most of his commands were exactly like
those stupid meditation exercises. Although they went a lot slower than he
did. Eventually, I just stopped trying to keep up with him and did followed
whatever I could.
	I couldn't remember when I'd sat back down on the floor, but I was
there now. It was getting very difficult to make out what Koi was saying
anymore.  His voice had grown too loud. It reverberated in my ears like an
army of tiny super- balls. I tried to cover them with my hands but my arms
wouldn't lift.
	"You are Chaos, not merely a man at its controls. You are endless,
boundless. Beyond reason, beyond knowledge, beyond order!" The hairs on my
skin rose, fell, and rose again. Every finger, every limb twitched once in
succession. My breathing was getting deeper, harsher, but still it was
regular. Like the snores of animals in the zoo.
	"Arise Chaos! Your only chains are your own! You are free! Free to
reign without direction! Without limitation!"
	I opened my eyes.
	"Not quite."
	The walls of the room crumbled, toppling over like drunken members
of a human pyramid. I got a satisfying peek at the look on Koi's face before
the roof hit him. Great clouds of plaster dust flew up, obscuring my vision.
When they dissipated I found myself staring up at a ceiling of rock covered
with dripping pudding.
	"IMPOSSIBLE."
	Getting up, I brushed the dirt off my shoulders and turned to face
Order.
	"If you say so," I said.
	The giant rumbled, sending small, chocolate coated debris crashing
from above.
	"IT IS NO MATTER. YOU WILL BE DESTROYED, YOI KURASAKA. BE IT NOW OR
LATER."
	Invisible tendrils, strong and clean, grasped at my mind, pressing
into the grooves, squeezing the plump bits. I shrugged and they fell off
like wet Styrofoam.
	"WHAT-"
	"I've had about enough of this," I said.
	And then I destroyed him.
	Order screamed and exploded into a million points of light, which
flew across the cavern, disintegrating on impact with whatever ended up in
their way. His robes, now empty, floated gently to the ground, caught fire
and burned to ash.
	"Guess that takes care of that."
	Turning around I was greeted by eyes the size of softballs and jaws
you could stick tin cans between. H and Itami seemed suitably shocked. In
Kawaii's case the shock was mixed with total, abject terror. Even Lucy
looked like she might soil the dignity of her office at any moment. Only
Aika was calm, as if she'd expected this all along. I gave her a little
smile and she smiled back, but her smile kept getting wider. H's jaw drooped
to the floor like it was made of and the smile got wider like silly "Yes!"
putty or something and wider and off her face and H was "you" flowing into
Itami I heard "do I" a squeak I Itami think it was "Lucy!" Itami's fire eyes
drifting apart my hand is over there what "No! Stop!" The is walking, not
Aika dancing, "sure you want" walking everyone "gone?" runs like Order's
robes fire leaps what "put" did I hear "someway...  has to" something? My
leg is "how stop" in "them back" Lucy ledge is a there on Thing is "already"
I'm sorry so "It... really?" there is sounds laughing that like me the fire
walks sorry into a shape that has a hat that "asshole" Fucker that bastard
fucking. Tongue lots of teeth pitchfork Koi! That am fucker!  That "you
jerk" My remain in "you awakened" her eyes in light the shape forcing it
fire to "Going on?" Lucy sticks her look something in head Kawaii's "It's
Chaos" "Order" "Chaos" Fleshy amoeba pitchfork thing "killed" H across and
eyes scattered melted the surface I drifting screams "don't" bleeds stuck
was is. Paint legs "Yes!" like stars "Okay."

***

	I entered the office at nine o'clock exactly. As usual, many of my
coworkers had yet to arrive, but Mr. Kaishain, a fine example of a
department manager, was there to give me the Kudoi account.
	I thanked him and took the folder to my cubicle. Our cubicles are
somewhat different from those utilized by the average company, for they are
made of a kind of translucent green plastic. Some employees find this rather
jarring at first, but the reason the cubicles are made as they are is
clearly explained in a regularly circulating inter-office memo. 1. The
existence of the cubicles clearly set the boundaries of different employees
and their different functions, thus encouraging efficiency. And 2. the
cubicles were translucent so as to discourage secrecy and promote a feeling
of mutual trust and interdependence.
	Sitting in my desk, I removed my calculator from the drawer. My
pencil, which I had taken the liberty of sharpening before leaving the day
before, and my reef of line paper were already on the desk's surface. Thus
equipped, I opened the folder and set to completing the Kudoi account.
	"Stop it!"
	I looked up, startled. The voice was small and muffled, but the
building was soundproofed, so it could not have come from outside. Nor could
Mr. Kaishain been responsible, both because he is a responsible employee
who would not risk disrupting productivity and also because the voice was
that of a young female.
	No matter, it was not a mystery of importance. Casting the troubling
instant from my mind, I again set to begin my work.
	"Please!"
	I broke the tip of my pencil on my reef of lined paper.
	This was a problem. If these strange distractions continued as they
were, I might not be able to complete the Kudoi account within a day after
all.  And if it was not finished within the day, I would not be able to
start on the Tookei account the following day.
	No, no, that wouldn't do at all.
	"Stop it NOW!"
	I then decided that I would have to complain to Mr. Awayaku.
Obviously, there was some sort of prankster on the loose here. Possibly a
saboteur. It would be both unwise and unsafe to leave things be. Rising from
my chair, I was about to leave my cubicle when I felt a sting at my throat.
An insect?
	"Now," came the sound of another voice. Deep and masculine. "Or
else."
	I stood very still, trying as hard as I might to deduce the truth of
the situation. But no answer would come, because there wasn't any
explanation.  How could there be no explanation? That was- I felt the sting
again, only this time it was larger, more painful. The pain spread quickly
across my throat and I was falling falling with the sensation of a woman's
arms around me.

***

	When I woke up, I was dead.
	It was actually kind of odd that I noticed so quickly, because it
wasn't all that obvious or anything. I could tell I wasn't nigh omnipotent
anymore, that might've been what tipped me off. Or maybe it was that
strange, nagging sensation of... something else missing. But besides those
two things, nothing seemed different at all. I still had a body, or what
closely resembled one, anyway, and it was definitely working: I could see
the dull, red stone floor, smell the faint scent of brimstone in the air,
feel the sharp kick to the side of my head-
	The blow sent me flopping onto my back, giving me a nice view of a
tiny circle of light that lay high above. Groaning, I clutched at my skull.
Yeah, I sure _felt_ alive, all right. I was about to scramble to a standing
position when my attacker's foot came down hard on my stomach.
	"Alone at last," said Kawaii, smiling sweetly at me. She had lost
the cornered animal look, and now wore the same expression she did when I
had first met her as "Kumiko". Looking up into that face, at that exact
moment, I think I hated her more than anything in my entire life.
	"I guess things didn't turn out like I hoped, huh, Yoi?" she said,
playfully digging her heel into my abdomen. "But this isn't so bad. At least
we have each other..."
	I replied by grabbing her ankle and yanking it from under her.
Kawaii made a squealing sound when her head hit the ground; it didn't sound
like a cry of pain. Getting up, I quickly scoped out my surroundings. It
looked like I was in a pit of some sort, the only way out I could see was
the opening above the walls, so small in the distance. Would it be possible
to actually climb to it? Probably not. Damn. No, wait, there, on the other
side, there was a crack in the stone surface. I hadn't noticed it before, it
had blended to well with the shadows, but now I could see that it was at
least twice my length, and just wide enough to squeeze through. If I could
make it over there...
	Too late, Kawaii was up again, her fist a rocket launched at my
face. I caught it, but missed the other one, which hit my shoulder and sent
me flying into the wall. Kawaii crouched to pick up a jagged rock, and I
rushed to slam my foot into her back. The second I got to her she sprung up,
slashing the rock across my torso. It cut deep, setting free little pain
worms to crawl about my body. Forcing me back again. Slowly, we began to
circle each other. The sound of blood drops hitting the floor sounded almost
like an amateur xylophone performance.
	Suddenly, Kawaii stopped. She let the rock drop from her hand.
	"Hey, Yoi," she giggled, "do you hate me?"
	She dodged my kick and before I knew it, my back was to the wall
again. Only this time my arms were sandwiched between them. Kawaii used one
hand to squeeze my neck, holding back just enough to allow me a tiny trickle
of air, and rubbed the other up the length of my thigh. From there it crept
across my waist and stomach, resting finally at the lip of puffy, torn skin
just beneath my chest.
	"'Cause of what I did to Aika?" she asked, slipping her finger into
the wound.
	"'Cause I _fucked_ you with her?"
	She slid her finger in and out, pumping slowly, rhythmically. The
pain worms weren't crawling over me any more; the only thing I could feel
was that one point of agony. Kawaii's smiling face began to blur a little at
the edges.
	"You know why I like you, Yoi?"
	I wasn't thinking too clearly, but I had the vague notion that if
she just leaned a little closer, I could probably bite her nose off.
	That's when the mewling started.
	Kawaii's lips pulled back, revealing far too many teeth for a proper
smile. Her eyelids receded too. It was a look I'd seen on her before: pure
fear. She let go and snapped around, leaving me to wobble like Bozo the
Bunching Bag Clown. I forced myself to remain on my feet and, following her
gaze, saw where the mewling came from.
	A horde of kittens was spilling from the crack in the wall. There
must've been at least thirty or forty of them, climbing over each other to
get through the narrow opening, and landing with soft thumps as they tumbled
in. Their fur was wet and colored in the full range of the feline spectrum.
As soon as they'd all filed in they sat down, swishing their tails, and
looking directly up at the Captain.
	"Kumiiiiko-chan," they squeaked in unison, "we _missed_ you."
	Kawaii darted behind me, digging her fingers tightly into my
shoulders as she peered over them with wide, terror-mad eyes. I elbowed her
in the stomach and she just took it, not reacting at all.
	"S-stay away."
	"But we have so many _new_ games to play." I'd never seen a kitten
pout before. "Don't you want to learn them?"
	Kawaii sank to the ground and wrapped her arms around my legs. She
was shaking now.
	"Please, Yoi," she sobbed, "keep it away from me. I'm sorry I was
bad. Keep it away from me..."
	Freeing my legs wasn't easy, but I managed to break out of her grip.
As soon as I did, she contracted herself into a tight little ball, hugging
her legs and burying her head behind her knees. I made it to the other side
of the pit before collapsing into a sitting position. The kittens advanced
on Kawaii and she began to shriek.
	I wondered what they'd do to her. Something spectacularly gruesome,
I guessed. A lot worse than I could ever come up with. After all, they were
the professionals here, not me.
	Kawaii's screams tapered off into something that sounded like a duck
with a bad case of hiccups. The kittens circled around her, but they didn't
look so much like kittens anymore. More like oversized caterpillars. Of
course, so did Kawaii. And everything else. It seemed that I'd been whisked
off to Fuzzy Land. I smacked the side of my head and my vision cleared a
bit. I could just barely make out the features of the kittens. They were
practically touching Kawaii with their noses now. One of them, a black one,
rose its paw. Playfully, like it was about to knock away a ball of string.
Kawaii whimpered and said something I couldn't quite make out. It might've
been my name.
	"Behemoth!"
	The kittens stopped at the sound of the voice, their caterpillar
heads swinging towards it in perfect synch. The black one put its paw on the
ground and I decided to take a look myself.
	It had been a woman's voice, but I couldn't really say much else
about its owner. She looked more or less like a blob of colors stuck to the
wall, gray mostly, with spots of pink at the edges. I tried smacking my head
again, but it was too hard to get my hand to raise high enough.
	"Leave," said the blobs of pink and gray.
	"No!" cried forty little voices. "She's mine! I found her first!"
	The blobs gave a tiny grunt and popped off the wall. They floated
towards the kittens, stopping only when they reached the closest one. The
edges between the blobs and the little caterpillar shape melded together,
producing an ugly mixture of ginger and gray.
	"She's one of us."
	The kittens growled and the muffled non-sound of bristling fur
filled the pit. Suddenly, the growling stopped. The Ginger shape gave a
little sniff and floated past the gray and pink blobs, its brethren quickly
following suit.  Soon they had all disappeared into the wall.
	The blobs floated over to where the mess of colors I knew was Kawaii
lay. Then they compacted, grew shorter. One of the pink ones floated over to
where I thought her head was before the fuzzy shapes grew too big, bleeding
and overlapping into an indecipherable piece of abstract art.
	Seemed like as good a time as any to take a nap.

***

	Matsura Yoshiko.
	Of all the people I'd known in my life who I could've met down there
(and considering the kinds of people I've known, that's a pretty large
bunch) it just _had_ to be her, didn't it?
	She was the first thing I saw as soon as I could see anything again.
Well, the lower part of her, anyway. Picking my head up gave me a view of
the rest, at which point I wished I hadn't made the effort.
	Matsura looked at me and smiled. She was wearing her gray business
suit. The same one she had on when we'd last "parted company", so to speak.
	"Hello, Yoi."
	"Long time no see." I sounded like Kermit the Frog with a
tracheotomy.
	"Yoshiko-neesan."
	Matsura stepped away, allowing me to see the huddled form of Kawaii
sitting at the other side of the pit. She looked unhappy, but not
particularly upset. Just the way a Junior High-school student looks when her
parents tell her she can't get a nose ring.
	"Yes?"
	"I'm sorry I killed you."
	Matsura shook her head.
	"No you're not. Don't lie, Kumiko. It's bad manners."
	Kawaii nodded silently, scrunching her knees up to her chin.
	"Raising a child isn't easy," Yoshiko said. She turned back to face
me. "I tried, really I did."
	"Kids." I shrugged. "What're you gonna do?"
	"What indeed." She knelt down, stared at me intensely. "I'm sorry
for what she did to Aika, Yoi. If I'd only figured it out before it was too
late..."
	I frowned.
	"What, you'd do something about it after selling me out?"
	"Who told you that?"
	"A legitimate source."
	Matsura sighed. Her eyebrows shifted subtly, turning on the "you
poor fool" signs in her eyes.
	"There aren't any legitimate sources, Yoi. You of all people should
know that. _Everyone_ has an agenda."
	That sounded familiar.
	"Including you?"
	"Of course."
	"And that would be?"
	She stood up, smile back in full force.
	"You're willing to hear me out, then?"
	I flexed my arm. It was much stronger than I thought it'd be.
	"Might as well."
	I only had to use the wall a little to help me get up. Rubbing my
shoulders, I gave myself a once-over. Not a scratch; the cut under my chest
had disappeared completely. I scowled at Kawaii until her eyes flicked to
meet mine, then turned back to Matsura.
	"There's a new Balancers group now," she said.
	"I know."
	Yoshiko narrowed her eyes for a second, then continued, "I was
supposed to bring you to them, for a meeting."
	"A 'meeting', huh?"
	"Yes, to discuss mutual goals and a possible alliance. Nothing
without your consent, I was merely supposed to give you their message. In
fact, I was coming to tell you about it the very day you and Kumiko...
complicated things."
	"I _said_ I was sorry!"
	"Shush! Sorry, Yoi. Where was I? Oh yes... Now, undoubtedly this was
misrepresented to you as a 'sell out' by an operative of one of our enemies.
Most likely a minion of the Order."
	I thought of the little girl TT had taken us to meet. Somehow, I
couldn't see Order encouraging the use of leather jackets.
	"Why him?"
	"Its people were the only ones to discover our existence.
Currently, they believe us destroyed... we almost are. Those that left are
here. They'd like you to meet with them, as they did before."
	"I don't think I've really got what you guys want, anymore."
	"You don't know that until you speak with us."
	Why was I always ending up in situations like this? Experience kept
knocking the same lesson into me: "Don't fucking trust anyone, moron!" But
on the other hand, what did I really have to lose? If damned for eternity
wasn't the bottom of the barrel, I'd be hard pressed to say what was.
	"Tell you what," I said. "I'll listen to your spiel, but no
promises."
	"That's all we ask."
	"I duck out the second I smell anything funny. You press, and you
can kiss your anonymity goodbye. Oh, and her." I pointed my thumb back at
Kawaii. "I want her as far away from me as possible."
	Matsura nodded. "Done. Uragiru!"
	A man as tall as a coat rack and just about as thin came out of the
crack. Under his arm he held something about half his length, wrapped in
brown paper.
	"Kumiko?" Kawaii looked up and Matsura bent down to even their head
levels. "This is Mr. Uragiru. Now you be nice to him, okay?"
	"... Okay."
	Yoshiko rose, motioned for me to follower her. She didn't give the
human pipe cleaner a second glance as we walked past him and through the
crack.
	As soon as I squeezed out I tripped on something that felt like a
big sack of clay. I looked down to see what it was, and the pale, frozen
face of Nigel Ramsbottom stared back at me.
	"I heard that the Order destroyed the last of them," Matsura said,
nodding towards the corpse. "I'm surprised they were foolish enough to face
it."
	"Just desperate, I guess." My voice was too flat when I said that.
	What I remembered of being under Order's power wasn't much better
than a smudged picture done on cheap tracing paper, and what I saw there
didn't really give me a craving for more. But I hadn't forgotten who'd come
to visit me or who I'd been made to think had. I had a pretty good idea who
that body belonged to.
	"Tough luck, old chap," I whispered.
	Matsura began walking again without a word. I scrambled to catch up
with her, doing my best to navigate despite the poor visibility. We were in
the same hall Lucy had taken me through before or at least it looked exactly
like it, but darker. The lights overhead were as dead as me, and the fact
that everything was painted dull red really wasn't helping.
	"I was just thinking," I said, narrowly avoiding a piece of debris
on the floor. "I don't really have any guarantees for my safety here, do I?
I mean, I can see how you might carry a grudge and..."
	Matsura gave me a wry look. "Revenge? In Hell? That's a little
redundant, don't you think? Besides, that's all in the past. I'd rather
concentrate on the future, wouldn't you?"
	"Under the circumstances? Ah... no."
	"Don't give up hope, Yoi. People like us always bounce back up when
we get knocked down, don't we?"
	If I didn't know her so well, I might've liked her right then.
	Discounting a few interesting crack formations on the walls and
floor, the rest of the way wasn't very eventful. I'd already given up on
counting carpet seams when Matsura stopped at one of the doors.
	"This is the place." She opened it and we stepped through.
	Inside was a public bathroom. Lit candles filled the sinks and
covered the tops of electric hand dryers, casting faint light on ten figures
in black cloaks who stood by the urinals. A lot of the cloaked figures had
bulges in odd places and one looked more like a mound of gyrating lumps than
anything else. I heard a flush and a brown kitten trotted out of one of the
stall. It hissed as it passed by Mastura's feet, stopped at the edge of the
lumpy mound, and dove under its cloak.
	"I believe everyone is here then, yes?" said a voice from behind, thick
with an English accent.
	Please, I thought. Please tell me it's just Ringo Starr.
	I turned around.
	"Yoi old chap, glad you could make it."
	"No!" I screamed. "For the love of God no more Ramsbottoms!"
	Ramsbottom chuckled and tapped the tip of his cane.
	"Oh, I'm not a Ramsbottom."
	Then-
	"And I'm not your erstwhile evil twin, either. In case you were
wondering." Not-Ramsbottom sauntered over to the cloak gang. Matsura joined
him.
	"You have dealt with me before, however. I'm afraid I deceived you
at those times. You see, this form is merely an avatar for me. I'm not
really here with you at all."
	Oh. Well, that explained everything, then.
	The fake Ramsbottom grinned. "But enough about me, dear boy. Let's
talk about you. Tell me, what would you say if I said that not only
could I guarantee your passage out of Hell, but that I could assure your
return to the world of flesh, as well. That is, bring you back to life."
	"I'd say that sounds real good. I wouldn't _believe_ you, but it does
sound good."
	"Does it seem that impossible then? After all, it _has_ been done
before. Poor dear Kumiko should be proof enough of that." I thought I saw
Matsura twitch slightly.
	"Sure," I said, "it _used_ to be possible. But in case you didn't
know, I tried something like that recently. And I had a lot more-"
	"The loophole was never destroyed."
	"Pull... what?"
	"Ms. Yoshiko did not give the Old Balancers its true coordinates." He
pointed his cane at Matsura. "Instead, she arranged for it to be moved, and
because it no longer resides where it once did, all who knew of it simply
assumed it had been properly closed of."
	If crickets lived in public bathrooms, they'd be doing a full concert
recital.
	Mock Ramsbottom broke the silence. "It was a brave and dangerous
move on Ms. Yoshiko's part. One that I fear ensured her arrival here.
Unfortunately, although the way still exists, we do not have the technology
with which to fully harness it. Using what was salvageable of the damaged
matrix, we were able to create a safe, if weak passage into Heaven. But that
was all. There is only one left who has the information we need."
	"You don't mean who I think you mean?"
	"Mashihaisha Ultra is currently being held in the custody of Heaven.
We want you to find him."
	"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! There's no way they'd let
me near that psycho! And even if they did, why'd he do anything for you?"
	"We have his wife."
	For a second I was afraid he was going to add "right here". That'd
be just all I needed. Fortunately, we only had another awkward silence.
	"Why me?"
	"Besides the fact that you know Ultra? It's mostly a matter of being
at the right place at the right time. You see, the Lord of Hell keeps very
good track of its subjects. Each one goes through a marking process along
with other... initiations. If any marked leave, the Evil would know it
immediately, and discover our operation in the process. You, on the other
hand, have not yet been marked."
	"How do you know I won't just decide to stay in paradise? I hear
it's very nice this time of year."
	Mock Ramsbottom smiled. "We'll just have to trust you I guess. You
must decide soon, Yoi. There's not much time. The explosion-"
	"Explosion?"
	"Ah... yes. The explosion in the Guest Room... where you were."
	"... You sure there was an explosion?"
	"Yes... You... didn't notice?"
	"Guess not. What was the cause?"
	"Considering your current condition, I assumed it had something to
do with The Chaos awakening."
	"... Oh."
	"Yes, well, it was the explosion that created the fissures all
throughout the complex, and sent you and your friends careening through
them. Hell is currently inoperable (for the first time in uncountable
centuries I might add.) But it won't remain this way long. We-"
	"My friends. Where are they?"
	"As it so happens we have located each one of them. As part of our
bargain one of us shall lead you to them before taking you to the portal."
	"Do they get to go to up too?"
	"If they have not yet been marked, yes. If they have, then I'm
afraid the best we can do is take them under our protection until you can
reincarnate them." He gave me an apologetic look. "We'll just have to see."
	Gee, I wondered what the verdict would be?
	At least I had an idea of their game now. It was a given that they'd
try and screw me over somehow, just a question the specifics. I put on my
best friendly face.
	"Okay Mr. Whoeveryouare," I said, "you've got yourself a deal."
	"Splended. Now, Mr. Zephuron..."
	One of the cloaked figures pulled back its hood, revealing a red
face with goat horns bursting from its forehead.
	"You've met before, but you may not remember."
	"Hey," said the demon. He stuck out his hand and I shook it.
	"Mr. Zephuron will help you gather your friends while Ms. Yoshiko
readies the portal." Mastsura nodded. "I suppose that's all then."
	"Pleasure doing business with you."
	"The pleasure's all mine."
	Fake Ramsbottom flickered, his image rapidly disappearing and
reappearing over and over again. Then he was gone.
	"I hate it when he does that," grumbled a cloaked figure with what I
hoped was a horn sticking out of his chest.

***

	"It's really a social thing for me," Zephuron said, nimbly avoiding a
crack a little wider than his foot.
	"You don't say?"
	"Yeah, I really love all the extra stuff we New Balancers do when
we're not, you know, trying to keep the world in balance and all. Especially
the bowling. It's really a lot more informal bunch than the old team."
	"Matsura join in the fun then?"
	"You kidding? You should see her limbo. Okay, I think we just have
to turn this corner here and-Hey!"
	It was the first corridor to look anyway remotely different from the
last twenty or so I'd seen, although the change in decor was limited to one
wall.  All across it was a huge, half-finished painting of a goldfish. The
picture probably would've looked better if it was painted in a different
color from the canvas.
	Standing by the goldfish's gills, a weird, bug-eyed man calmly
dipped the tip of his paintbrush into a gash in his wrist.
	"Not you again!" Zephuron growled.
	The bug-eyed guy jumped and wheeled around.
	"I...," he mumbled. "I... am a painter."
	"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Zephuron waved his hand. "Just get out of
here."
	"But... every last one must die..."
	"I said '_beat it_'!"
	The man slinked away, leaving his goldfish incomplete.
	"Goddamn vandals. Okay, the boss says one of your lady friends is
innnn this room."
	Zephuron swung the door open. Voices immediately poured out.
	"Are you _sure_ you don't want a candy?"
	"Yes."
	"Can I... um... can I smell your-"
	"No."
	I stuck my head inside. The room was nondescript. Just a lot of
beige and a vase with flowers in it. Sailor H leaned against the far wall. A
short, tubby little man cowed a few paces from her. He reminded me of
someone I'd seen a few times in High School. He had been hanging off a peg
by his jockey shorts every time.
	"Pleeeease? It's Easter!"
	"No it's not."
	"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"
	H turned to me, relief glowing in her face.
	"Yoi, thank God."
	"How 'bout you?" the man asked. "Do you want a candy?"
	"That's okay. C'mon, H. Let's split."
	She nodded and walked quickly across the room.
	"Hey stop! Where ya going?"
	The little creep grabbed H's skirt. She spun around and gave him a
kick to the head that bought him a ticket to the other side of the room.
	"Nof." He spit out a tooth. "You got it all wrong! _I'm_ supposed to-"
	Closing the door cut him off.
	I introduced H to Zephuron and we started walking again.
	"So who was that?" I asked.
	"That..." H bit her lip, trembling with unrestrained rage, "was the
Marquis DeSade."
	"Huh? You mean... that guy who-"
	"I..." She held back a sob. "I feel so disillusioned."
	That's a hero for you. They're always a let down.
	I made an awkward attempt at patting H on the back.
	"I'm sorry," she said. "It's just... on top of everything else..."
	"Hey... hey... S'okay. I understand."
	"I guess I'll just have to adjust... To being damned and all."
	"Heh." I gave her a wink. "I'm working on that."
	She perked up, smiling evilly.
	"You'd better be... murderer."
	"Aw, you're not gonna get on my case about that are you? Look, it
was an emotional time for all of us..."
	"Just as long as you don't forget. You owe me one."
	"Alright, alright." I threw up my hands. "I'll buy you lunch
sometime or something..."
	"I think you'll have to do better than that. There's a very
special... show that I've been meaning to see."
	"'Show'? What, like a play?"
	"More of a 'performance art', really."
	Did I even really want to know?
	"Fine. How much is it?"
	"One million yen per ticket."
	If I had a mouthful of water, it'd be all over the floor.
	"You want me to pay one million for some kinky-"
	"No, _two_ million. I want to bring Itami along too."
	"Lucky him."
	"Careful Yoi." H multiplied the evil in her grin. "I may not have
any powers like this, but I can still make your unlife very, _very_ painful.
	"Ehhh." I bowed my head in defeat. Oh well. At least if this didn't
work out and I did end up staying here for eternity, I _wouldn't_ have to
cough up the cash. It's always good to have a little silver lining in
reserve.
	"This is it," Zephuron said.
	I bowed to H, swinging my hand to indicate the door. "Ladies first."
	"You're _too_ kind."
	When we stepped in there were three hundred eyes there to meet us.
	The room looked like a hotel lobby minus the furniture. Plenty of
carpeting though, and chandeliers. There was a person sitting on every
available space of it. Most of them were old, but not all by a long shot.
Heck, there were even a few kids. They stared at us, saying nothing. There
was something familiar about them...
	"*Grunt*."
	Itami stood up and gave me a wave. The explosion of voices almost
knocked me back.
	"There he is!" a woman shrieked. "That's the degenerate who
corrupted my boy!"
	"It's his own damn fault, Mariko! Boy's got no sense of
responsibility! He-"
	"You hear that, you brat? It's your fault we're in this mess! You-"
	"Can't even hold onto a stupid sword! Why when _I_ was his age-"
	"Black Sheep alright-"
	"I miss the old place. It had chairs."
	"Let me at him!
	"Control yourself, Gramma!"
	"I'll rip his lungs out!"
	"'Scuze me," I said, weaving my way through the crowd. "Pardon me,
'scuze me. Hi Mrs. Daikoku. Um, please let go of my leg. 'Scuze me."
	Getting to Itami was like trying to cut a brick with a butter knife.
Well, a sharp butter knife at least. And maybe a bit of sandpaper to help. I
was still pretty amazed I actually made it.
	"*Phew*," I gasped.
	"Sorry," Itami said. He gave an embarrassed shrug. "Family."
	I looked out over the sea of squabbling bodies.
	"Some reunion..."
	Getting back was even harder than going in. They got grabbier and a
few of the kids bit me.
	"'Scuze me, pardon me. Ow! Jesus fuck, you- 'Scuze me."
	"'Scuze."
	"Where do you think you're going?!"
	"Bye mom."
	"Bye Mrs. Daikoku!"
	"You can't just walk away from this! Get back here this instant! You
are a disgrace to this fam-"
	"Itaaaami!" Sailor H jumped him, wrapping her legs around his torso.
"I'm feeling very ne-cro-phiiiiliac!"
	Instant silence.
	"Um." I coughed. "Bye."
	I grabbed Itami's hand and pulled the two of them out, slamming the
door behind me. Itami fell under H's weight and she started wrestling with
him on the floor.
	"Hey!" I said. "Cut that out! Jeez, can't you guys at least wait until
you're alive?"
	H giggled and got up, a blushing Itami following her. I turned to
Zaphuron. Polite of him not to say anything.
	"Just one more to go," I said.
	"Yep." He nodded and started walking.
	H took Itami's arm and we followed the demon.
	"Yoi," Itami said.
	"Hm?"
	"I killed you."
	H's eyes grew wide. "Itami-"
	"Really?" She calmed at the sound of my voice. There was no anger in
it.
	"Yeah."
	"He had to, Yoi," H said. "It was either that or-"
	"Yeah, I can see his logic." I could, too. Being dead sucked, and
the fact that I was in Hell didn't make it any better. But it still beat the
alternative. I'd rather be around and in pain than not around at all.
	Still though, I wondered if I'd do the same in his situation. If I
even could have.
	"No problem partner. It's all good. How'd you do it, anyway?"
	Itami grunted, and a flash of metal flicked into his hand. Yeah,
figures that Itami's self image would come equipped with a knife.
	Zephuron stopped.
	"We're there already?"
	"Think so." He rapped his fist on the door. "Take a look for
yourself.
	There was a small cave inside. Two men and Aika sat on the floor,
playing cards. The men wore ornate bronze armor and those helmets with the
cute little brushes on top. Aika's back was turned towards me.
	"What do I say again?" asked the taller of the two men. "When I
win?"
	"Gin," said Aika.
	I bent down over her shoulder.
	"She's got a five."
	"Yoi!"
	Aika looked at me like I had a peacock for a head.
	"What's shaking, kiddo?"
	"You... you're dead-"
	"-Er than a doornail," I agreed.
	Aika looked up at H and Itami, standing in the doorway.
	"Did they... did they tell you how...?"
	"Oh yeah. Itami told me about how he did me in. Boy, you know, if he
gets to have knife you'd think I should have a gun on me or something. I
mean, I've practically been going to _bed_ with one for years..."
	Aika looked confused for a moment, then nodded her head.
	"Hey," said the taller man. "You wanna play? With four we can do
'Bridge'."
	"Do you know how to play 'Bridge'?" asked the shorter.
	"Not really."
	"Sorry guys," I said. "But we gotta leave, y'know?"
	"Oh? Where are you going?"
	"Home, hopefully."
	"Feh." The taller guy snorted in disgust. "If there's anything
life's taught me, it's that it's _not_ worth the effort."
	"Is that a card up your sleeve?" asked the shorter.
	A pillar of fire leapt from the floor, engulfing the two men
completely. Their melting faces didn't look anything but mildly annoyed as
they got up, throwing the ashes that used to be cards from their charred
hands.
	"So much for that," said what was left of the taller guy.
	When we came back out Zephuron was looking antsy. Lights had come on
in the hall, and I thought I could just barely hear radio commercials being
filtered in.
	"We gotta get moving," Zephuron said. "The Works are starting up
again."
	We had to practically run to keep up with Zephuron's pace. Every so
often he'd stop short, holding up a finger to call for silence. Then after
cocking his head for a few seconds we'd start moving again. The fifth time
it happened, he turned to us, getting close to whisper.
	"Be real quiet here," he said. "Satan's office is just down the next
hall and it's not soundproof like the others. We have to sneak past it."
	H put a finger to her chin, then bent down to take off her shoes.
The rest of us followed her lead.
	Slowly, we tiptoed down the corridor. A door, much bigger than the
others, dominated its center, the words "Office of the President" inscribed
in a plaque on its surface. The sound of typing came from within.
	"Okay," Zephuron said when we'd long lost sight of the room. "I
think it's safe now."
	He obviously wasn't referring to the terrain, 'cause there were a
couple cracks on the floor about wide enough for both my feet to get stuck
into.
	"Damn, was that tense," Zephuron said. His walk was turning into more
of a bounce now.
	"Yeah," Aika agreed.
	"I think we're gonna make it. I really think we're gonna make it!"
	The two cracks converged, becoming a single massive one that took up
the left side of the hall. I kicked a piece of plaster into it. I never
heard it hit anything.
	"We have much farther to go, Zeph?" I asked, jogging up to his side.
	"Naw. In fact, its just a couple more halls down."
	"You mean this one and that one up there at the right?"
	"Yep."
	"Great!"
	I threw my weight against him, sending him falling towards the
crack. His hand flailed out to catch me; missed by a hair. I could hear his
screams for a long time after he fell in.
	"Um... Yoi?" Aika asked. "Why'd you do that?"
	"Figured I might as well do the double-cross first this time." She
looked pensive. Itami and H too, for that matter. "Don't worry, guys. I got
a plan."
	I was halfway through telling it when I noticed a major flaw.
	"Shit."
	"What?" asked H. "Or did you just realize that this is really
stupid?"
	"Lucy. She can read minds."
	"You did this just so you wouldn't have to buy my tickets, didn't
you, Yoi?"
	"Tickets?" asked Aika.
	"Wait…," Itami said. "Idea."
	"Really? Well hey, lay it on, man!"
	Itami's lips curled into a smirk and I thought I felt the
temperature drop just a bit.

***

	I was going to kill him. Well, as soon as he was alive again, I was.
	I massaged my temples; it didn't do my headache much good. Finally,
I taking a deep breath, I knocked on the door.
	"Whaddaya want?" said the voice from behind it.
	"Uh!... It's Yoi! Can I come in?"
	"Yeah, yeah, sure... Just don't get any gunk in here."
	The door opened, although there didn't seem to be anyone near it
when I looked. Inside was a posh setup. Tasteful, modern furniture. Even a
few paintings. Lucy sat behind a wide oak desk, towering stacks of paper and
a couple laptops laid out in front of her.
	"Hey," she said, waving a pencil in the air. The door slammed shut
behind me.
	"Heya, Luc'."
	"I was wondering where you got off to." She scribbled something on
one of the sheets of paper. "Nice of you to save me the trouble of looking."
	"Actually," I said, "I was wondering if you might still want to deal."
	She looked up from her papers.
	"Look, Yoi, I'll level with you. You're finished. No Chaos equals
nada. I'll tell you what though. You seem like a nice guy, so, hold on..."
She typed something in to one of the laptops. "Okay, you're scheduled for
the Lake of Boiling Blood. I'll see if I can stick you into the shallow
end."
	"I've got some information. It's about a few people in your
organization."
	Lucy eyes bore holes into mine. She was silent for several seconds,
then said: "What the hell is that?"
	"Uh... What the hell is what?"
	"That thing, going through your head."
	"Oh, _that_. It's the Criminal Princess Love theme song. Haven't you
ever heard it?"
	"Is it supposed to crack like that?"
	The crack was because of Aika. She wasn't really used to singing.
	"Uh... yes?"
	Lucy snickered. "Okay, Yoi. You win. Whaddaya want in exchange for
the info?"
	"Well, that Lake of Blood thing sounds nice and all, but I prune up
real quick, you know? I was thinking maybe something... oh, a little less
painful."
	"Hmmm... You like babies?"
	"Not really."
	"Good. I'll see if I can squeeze you into Limbo, then. Okay, spit it
out."
	"The New Balancers've made their headquarters down here. They
operate out of a bathroom on the, um, I think its the one hundred seventh
quadrant, third floor. West wing."
	"Who's their leader?"
	"Akari Nazo. If you look it up, I think you'll notice that she's not
where she was stationed."
	Lucy's fingers went tappity-tap on her laptop. She showed me her spiky
little teeth.
	"Well whaddaya know," she said. "You might actually have something
here." She slapped the laptop shut and pulled a cell-phone out from under a
stack of papers. "I'll check it out. You can get out of my sight for now. If
this turns out to be worth my time you might be lucky enough never to get
back into it again... Oh, and since you're here."
	She snapped her fingers and a dull gray sword fell at my feet with a
rusty clang.
	"You'll be needing that soon. Now scat."

***

	I bounced the sword against the tip of my shoe. That was three hundred.
Time to go.
	Trying to time this right wasn't easy. I figured five minutes would
be enough for Lucy's crew to round up most of the Balancers (_just_ enough
time if I was really lucky,) but that was anything but a guess. For all I
knew it was done the second I left her office. That thought got me to start
walking pretty quickly.
	Itami, Aika, H and I'd been strategically placed around where we
found Matsura (but not where she'd found us, thankfully.) It'd put a little
crimper on my plans if Lucy got her along with the others and standing guard
was the only solution I could come up with. Anyhow, they'd all be starting
to move like me now, assuming they counted right... and they didn't run into
trouble.
	I was about break into a jog when I heard something growl behind me.
	"Yooooooi."
	The logical thing to do would be to just run. Heck, I was going to
do that anyway, wasn't I? There was absolutely nothing to gain by taking a
look, and _definitely_ not by stopping.
	Naturally, I did both.
	It was a cat. Like a housecat, if housecat's came in double-decker
bus size. Its fur was colored in small patches (brown, black, ginger,
orange), that spread out like checkerboard squares across its massive body.
Oh, and it had teeth. Lots of big teeth.
	"Traitor!"
	Run? Scratch that. The logical thing to do would be to HIGHTAIL IT
AS FAST AS MY STUPID FUCKING LEGS COULD TAKE ME.
	The cat monster didn't have to make much of an effort to keep up
with me. While I was doing my best imitation of the RoadRunner it was just
waltzing along as casual as you please. Sure, the fact that it just barely
fit in the corridor might've been slowing it down a little, but I wasn't
harboring any delusions about it. The damn thing was obviously toying with
me.
	"Come back, Yoi!" it cried. "We have _games_ to play!"
	"I'll take a rain check!"
	I stopped and dove for the nearest door. Damn it, it wouldn't open!
Not the next one either and jesusfuckingchristitwasgettingcloser.
	The cat's tongue flicked out, running across the tip of its mouth. I
threw my sword at it. The useless hunk of metal just bounced off its paw.
	"That wasn't niiiice."
	What a time to be bipedal. I squeezed out every drop of adrenaline I
had and pumped my legs double-time. The warm breath still didn't let go of
the back of my neck. Turning a corner I came to a hall where the lights
hadn't come on. I stumbled in blindly, and nearly caught my leg in a crack.
	As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could see that the crack went
along the full length of the hall, getting wider at the middle. Just wide
enough...
	"Yoooooi!"
	I wedged myself into the crack and held tight to grooves inside it.
I couldn't feel anything under my feet. Peering over the edge, I saw
something blacker, more solid than the darkness in the rest of the hall. It
was in the shape of a cat.
	"Oh. Now where could he be?" The cat giggled. "Hmmmm."
	Light burst into the corridor. I buried my face in my arm and waited
for the spots to go away. As soon as they did I picked up my head, and saw
that the brightness was coming from the cat-thing's eyes. Light spilled out
in two steady beams. It tilted its head slowly back and forth, sending the
beacons crawling across the walls and floor. One came within centimeters of
my hiding spot.
	"Is he heeeere? Is he-"
	A silhouette flashed in the light. Something human shaped, with a
long object in its hands. The cat's head shook wildly, throwing its beams
around like lasers in a Van Halen concert. Bits of shadow touched their
edges, gone as soon as they came. Then a sword. And as soon as it was in the
light, it put it out. The cat howled. One paw thrashed in the air as the
other clawed at its dripping wound. There was a sharp, wet sound and a spray
of blood shot from its throat.
	I stuck my head as far down as I could. Above me were shrieks and
clangs and I could feel the walls being rocked. Then nothing. Except for the
sound of cutting.
	Carefully, I crept out of my hole. I could just make out the shape
of a person, still hacking away at the now motionless cat. Light continued
to spill from the thing's remaining eye, which illuminated a floor streaked
with red, furry pieces. I ran away as quietly as I could.

***

	"What took you?" H snapped. "And... why is there blood in your
hair?"
	"Sorry guys, ran into an old friend. Hey, Matsura!"
	Matsura gave me a look that would set an ant on fire if it didn't
freeze it first. I gave her an apologetic grin.
	"They tell you already?"
	"You betrayed us."
	"Can't trust anyone these days." I shrugged. "Everyone's got an
agenda, right?"
	Distant voices came down a corridor. They were shouting.
	We weren't in a room. It was really just a point where four halls
connected. Just about enough room for six people, and the little yellow
plastic bucket at Matsura's feet.
	"Listen," I said, "we haven't got much time. Start up your stairway
to heaven or whatever it is and do it _now_."
	"What makes you think-"
	"Your club-mates are goners, Yoshiko. And any time now the dogs'll
get you too. This is your only way out."
	If looks could kill, it wouldn't matter, because I was already dead.
But still I'd be inclined to get out of her way.
	"Don't think I'll forget this, Kurasaka."
	"Fine fine fine. Just leave the revenge speech 'til _later_, okay?"
	Matsura ground her teeth and kicked the bucket at her side. Light
burst from it, burning a hole in the roof and growing to fill the space
between us all.
	It wasn't like the light it in the cat's eyes. Not yellow and
piercing. Not any color at all. Just brightness, like the glow of a TV on
someone's face.
	The voices were growing louder, along with the sound of feet hitting the
floor. Big feet.
	"I guess we should... step in now," Aika said.
	Matsura walked past me without a word. The beam swallowed her as she
stepped through.
	"Guess so."

***

	What's Heaven like? Well, what do you think it's like?
	Yeah, that's pretty close.
	Lots of clouds. Even more if you could call the stuff under my feet
a cloud. It looked like one, anyway. But the fact that I wasn't plummeting
through the air, ready to decorate some lucky jetliner, negated some of its
authenticity. Standing on it was kind of like standing on a huge block of
foam rubber. My feet sunk a little, but not enough to hinder walking. Much.
	The ones in the sky, however, were the real deal. Or at least they
seemed to be; what with the people with wings flying through them and all.
Yeah, wings. And harps. Can't forget the harps.
	"Welcome," said the angel. He didn't have a harp. Just a nice, white
suit like Kyo, Mai and the Kentucky Fried Chicken Colonel wore. "Ms.
Seiteki, Mr. Daikoku, Ms. Fukumori, and Mr. Kurasaka, yes?"
	Matsura wasn't anywhere to be seen.
	"My name is Majoshu Mega. Please allow me to be your escort."
	"Um..." I really hadn't thought this far ahead. "Yeeeeah... sure?"
	H elbowed me in the ribs. I made a "what else you want me to say?"
kind of gesture.
	"We are aware that you crossed the border illegally," Mega said.
"But our Lord, in His infinite compassion, has decided that something can
be...  worked out. He wishes to meet with you."
	"You mean..."
	"Yes." Mega's smile was one a movie star would tear his way through
mountains of crying babies get his hands on. "That Lord."

***

	Heaven didn't really get that much more impressive when we got into
the thick of it. There were buildings, most of them fairly large mansions
actually, but the thing was, they were all made out of that spongy cloud
stuff. _Everything_ was made out of that spongy cloud stuff. I swear I saw a
car go by on little puffy white wheels (it was driven by a pastel blue
teddy-bear too, but I'd rather not go into that.)
	There weren't so many angels around anymore or if there were they
were keeping their wings tucked in. Lots of people with halos over their
heads, though. And looks on their faces that made me expect them to ask me
what I wanted on my burger at any moment.
	"Now, when you meet with Our Lord, Light of Our Lamps, Strength of
Our Souls, He will likely wish you to relate certain things you may have...
seen or heard during your horrible damnation. I advice you to be absolutely
candid with Him. There is, of course, your Eternal Soul at stake."
	"Mhm." Seemed that each of us had decided to keep mum all by
ourselves. For Itami that meant something like a sound vacuum.
	"Yoi!"
	I stopped and turned around. A teenage girl in a white miniskirt was
running toward me, her halo bobbing up and down as she went. There was
something familiar about her. My memory subtracted the jaw and added lots of
blood.
	Tasty Dan-Dan.
	"Yoi!" She reached me in one huge leap, snatching my hands before I
could react. "I forgive you!"
	"_What_?"
	"Shooting me dead was a very bad thing to do, but I forgive you,
Yoi. At first my parents were sad, because I was gone and all, but then they
got hit by a truck and now we're all happy together!"
	"I... uh... "
	"So you're forgiven, okay? You don't have to stay awake all night,
covered with sweat and wracked with guilt anymore."
	"Er... great... thanks..."
	"Bye!"
	She let go of my hands and ran off.
	Aika had her eyebrows intersecting and H was fighting down a
snicker. Mega nodded approvingly.
	"You are a very fortunate man, Mr. Kurasaka."
	"Eheh." I tried to think of a snappy reply. My brain was too busy
gluing itself back together again. "Let's... just... go."
	I wish I could say Dan-Dan was the only one I ran into. No such luck.
	"I forgive you, Yoi!"
	"Shut up!"
	"I didn't like being strangled with coax cable, but you're
forgiven!"
	"No! Go away!"
	"Your evil ways are forgiven, Yoi."
	"Aaaaah!"
	"I-"
	"Hey, _Itami_ killed you!"
	"No I didn't."
	"Some friend _you_ are."
	"Beautiful Magic Forgiveness Beam!"
	"This is Paradise?!"
	"Hey, Yoi, wassup?"
	For a moment, relief came to visit. This wasn't one of _them_. I'd
have remembered offing a girl that ugly.
	Then I noticed the halo was stuck in banana plant hair, and the
relief stuck its head in the oven.
	"_Ootaki_? Ootaki went to Heaven?!"
	"Well." Mega coughed. "He did an awful lot of work with a local
animal shelter. Not to mention his many donations to cancer foundations
and-"
	Ootaki jumped up to slap me a high five and I backed away.
	"You done kill me, Yoi-guy." He said "But I be forgiving yo-"
	I punched him in the face.
	"Ah! Fuckin' bitch! I's gonna kill yo ass-"
	Ootaki burst into flames. He barely had time to scream and flail
around before the ground opened up and he was sucked through it.
	"Mr. Kurasaka!" Mega cried. "I can't believe you'd do such a thing.
Do you realize the severity of what you've done? He's been damned! Damned to
Hell!"
	"Really? Like, forever?" I couldn't keep the joy out of my voice.
	"Well, no. Just a few seconds, really..."
	Ootaki poofed back into existence. Besides a few singes and third
degree burns, he didn't look any the worse for wear.
	Okay, maybe a little.
	"Eheh..." he wobbled in place. "Dat... dat be okay too, my man. I
don't mind the hitting, no sirree."
	I punched him again.
	"Ah! Damn you shit-"
	*FOOM*
	Fuck the key to the city. I laughed my ass off.
	"No," Ootaki mumbled as soon as he came back again. "S'alll fine.
I... I be for-... for-..."
	I wound up my arm.
	"That's _enough_, Mr. Kurasaka."
	"Oh fine." I patted Ootaki on the back and he fell over.
	"So long, Ootaki."
	"S-see ya 'round... ma... man."

***

	I stopped short. There was a shadow on the ground. Now, despite the
heavy cloud cover (a rainy season would probably result in something akin to
the Pacific meets Splish Splash in this place) there was always lots of
light everywhere we went, and it seemed to cover everything equally, too. As
if everyone and everything had little light bulbs stuck inside, like
Christmas ornaments. Before now, there hadn't been any shadows _period_.
	This one was big.
	I craned my head upward. For the first time since I got there, there
were hardly any clouds around at all. What there was, was a brown octagon
hanging in the sky, about half the size of its shadow, which was still
pretty damn large.
	"What the heck is that?" I asked.
	"Oh that?" Mega said. "That's just where Koshchei lives."
	"Koshchei?"
	Mega shrugged. "He created the world."
	"Uh..."
	"What? It's not as if he does anything _now_. Just stays in there
all the time. I have heard he sometimes converses with Our Lord and the
lower members of the Four, but, really, its nothing to get excited about."
	"'Nothing'?" I mumbled. "That's the most sadistic fucker that ever
lived up there."
	The area under the shadow was more or less empty. While moving
through it, some of us occasionally tripped on a lump of spongy
cloud-material (well, just me, actually. Hey, it was dark, alright?) but if
you took that octagon away, I'm pretty sure you could pass the ground off as
the world's largest sheet of typing paper. From a distance, anyway.
	The empty motif kept up as soon as we finally got out from under the
black spot, too. Frankly, I was beginning to wonder if we were really
_going_ anywhere at all. There sure wasn't anything around as far as I could
see, and considering how flat the ground ran, that was pretty far. There was
one possible explanation, of course. And that was that we just had a lot
more walking to do.
	I can't say I liked that explanation much.
	"Here we are," said Mega.
	I looked around. No, I hadn't missed anything.
	Well, I did know angels could go insane...
	Mega pressed his finger into thin air and a loud buzz sounded. Then
there was a house.
	It wasn't too big, not like the mansions we'd passed before. Still
pretty spacious though, a lot more than your average Japanese'd ever get to
see outside of a soap opera. And it was pretty ritzy too, even had a
satellite dish on the top. Oh yeah, and it wasn't made of the cloud stuff.
	Mega took his finger off the buzzer on the side of the door. Above
it, an intercom crackled to life.
	"YES?"
	"It is I, Mega, Sire, Lord of Heaven, Father to Us All-"
	"YES, YES, I SEE YOU. SEND THEM IN."
	"'Send them...'? But-"
	"YOU HEARD ME. AND GO FIND SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO PUT A TIE ON
PROPERLY. YOURS IS A MESS."
	Mega's eyes darted to his chest. The little strip of white cloth
looked perfect to me.
	"With all due respect, Sire-"
	"I'M SORRY, WHO'S GOD HERE? YOU OR ME?"
	"Why, you Sire-"
	"RIGHT. NOW LET THEM IN AND GET LOST."
	Mega's arms trembled slightly. Squinting his eyes, he pulled a key
from his pocket and unlocked the door. I reached for the knob and he pulled
me aside.
	"Be sure to show the proper respect," he said.
	I nodded and he opened the door. As soon as we'd all filed in it
slammed shut behind us.
	"Should we take off our shoes?" H asked.
	"Guess so," Itami replied.
	I slid mine off and took a step onto the shag carpeting. The room
was pretty nice, bit too desperate to look "homey", though. What with the
fireplace and all those leather couches.
	A big, grinning brown dog leapt from underneath one of them, pummeling
me to the floor. It panted happily and licked my face.
	"Welcome."
	I pushed the dog off me and scrambled to my feet. A woman stood in
the doorway. She was wearing a simple brown dress and I couldn't shake this
nagging feeling that I'd seen her before. She walked closer and without the
backlight of the other room, her features became clearer.
	Styx.
	It wasn't too odd that I hadn't recognized her right away. She
looked older. We're not talking _real_ old here, mind you. Not even
middle-aged. It was just a few more lines on her face, a bit more meat here
and there. If she looked around twenty-five before, now I'd place her
somewhere in her thirties. The eyes were as ancient as ever, but there was
also a weariness in them that hadn't been there before.
	"Welcome to my home. I've been expecting you. Sorry about the
Intercom. I'm not usually that rude, but certain people expect an air of
'authority'."
	"Styx, you..." The glue in my brain was being dipped in dissolvent.
"You're God?"
	"Of course not." She rolled her eyes and pointed to the dog.
"_That's_ God."
	It barked once, then rose on its hind legs and waggled its forepaws
in the air.
	"That's a German Shepherd."
	"God..." Styx squatted and clapped her hands together. The dog
walked over to her and she patted it on the head. "Incarnate as a German
Shepherd."
	I looked at Itami. I looked at H. I looked at Aika. I looked at
Styx. I looked at the dog.
	"Fucked up," said Itami.
	Damn, that was my line.
	Styx rose and motioned towards the doorway.
	"Would you all mind joining me in the Viewing Room?" she asked. "I'm
somewhat busy at the moment."
	We followed her through and stepped into an AV geek's wet dream. It
looked like the walls were made completely out of TVs, stacked one on top of
the other bricklayer fashion. The only other thing in the room was a large
metal podium, covered in switches and buttons and dials, which Styx played
her fingers over faster than Scott Joplin on amphetamines.
	Each monitor displayed an absolutely spectacular view of different
areas in Heaven. Too bad they all looked pretty much the same. It was hard
to tell, but I thought I recognized some of the places I'd been to during
the hike over. Of course, when I'd been there, all the people were just
mulling around doing Cheshire Cat impersonations and bugging me, not passing
around golden axes and swords and scurrying into their houses like they were
in Kansas during tornado season.
	Marshmallow doors slammed shut on screen after screen, until nothing
was left in view but abandoned cloud-mobiles. All we needed now were a few
tumbleweeds to make the atmosphere complete, but there wasn't even that much
going in the movement department.
	Then things started to come from the ground.
	It started with hands. A lot of them came with accessories (like
pikes, and swords and other Medieval Times shit.) Then the rest of the
bodies came up to join them; regular looking Joes and Janes, who quickly
formed into phalanxes. After a few of them, some more interesting looking
types showed up.
	There was almost one member of the horn brigade per phalanx before
people burst out of their houses and the angel's dropped from behind the
clouds.
	"Mmm," Styx muttered, "they should be invading Sunshine City any
moment now..."
	"Um." I coughed.
	"Yes?"
	"I just-"
	"Can you hold on a moment? Ah, there they go."
	"You knew this was going to happen," said Aika.
	"Of course-Ah! No, Super, move faster."
	"But they didn't."
	"Panic. Better to increase the usual drills and announce it when
necessary. Won't sink in that w- Here! Here! Don't let them... there we go.
*Phew*."
	Styx turned from her controls and wiped her forehead with the back
of her hand.
	"Alright," she said. "I can talk for a little bit."
	Her impatience was infectious; I'd caught it like a bad cold. My
mind was going at the speed of "danger/urgency", which was fine for dodging
certain death but played hell when it came to thinking of something to say.
	"Okay." I forced my thoughts to downshift. "For starters, why'd you
send for us? I mean, if you don't mind me asking."
	"Hm, that's a good question. Why _are_ you here?"
	If it weren't for the sincere look on her face, I'd have assumed she
was making a joke.
	"I distinctly remember you being here, so there must be a good
reason... Oh, I know. Maybe you can tell me why the Evil has chosen now to
make its move. It does seem like rather poor judgment."
	Right, now I was back into familiar territory. Of course, I couldn't
answer her question with one hundred percent assurance, but I had my
suspicions. Hopefully, that'd be enough of a chip in my favor.
	"Tell you what," I said, turning on the Mr. Slick, "how about I give
you that bit of info, in exchange for Ultra's whereabouts."
	"Oh. Forget it then."
	"But-"
	"I was just curious anyway."
	"Hey now." Mr. Slick, rest in peace. "If you think there's anything
else I can give you..."
	"No, it's too potentially distracting. The last thing I need right
now is having to keep my eye on _two_ loose cannons at once."
	"You don't- I mean- We can-"
	"You'd better let someone else do the talking this time," H sighed.
	"I'm afraid we'll have to resume this conversation a bit later," said
Styx. "You weren't talking last time, so you can't now."
	"Huh?"
	"Look." She pointed to a monitor, practically the only one that
wasn't full with a crush grappling bodies. Instead it was mostly white, with
a little blue sky peaking in, and maybe fifteen dots drifting steadily
across it.
	"Here I come," she said, smiling a small, melancholy smile.

***

	The battle was more or less evenly matched, from what I could see of
it anyway (spinning around to get a glimpse of every monitor got old real
fast.) Hell had the advantage for awhile. They had much better military
tactics for one thing (Heaven's guerilla maneuvers didn't seem to work so
well in such empty spaces,) and there were just plain tons of them. It got
to the point where the regular Joes and Janes were able to gang up on
angels.
	But then the Magical Girls showed up. That sure changed things.
	"Where are the others?"
	Styx came in through the door to the hall. She looked drained.
	"They're around here someplace."
	Scoping out the premises. Or what of it they could, anyway (which
wasn't very much. When I was with them the one place we found unlocked was
the "Rec Room".)
	"She gone, then?"
	"Yes."
	Styx the Younger hadn't been too surprised to find herself here.
Considering her experience with time, she was probably used to this sort of
thing. The Magical Women she was with were another story. One of them had
even fainted.
	That one was still lying on one of the couches (I think her name was
Mina,) but the rest of them had gone off to fight the good fight.
	"Not so many of them coming in anymore." I nodded at the screens,
where the ground was still spitting up a fair share of troops to get hacked
to bits. "Think maybe they're starting to run out of pawns."
	"No..." She walked up to my side. "That's just because I sealed most
of the Gates of Heaven."
	"Uh, I don't wanna tell you how to do your job or anything. I mean,
it's not really my field, but, y'know, strategically speaking, it might be a
good idea to seal 'em _all_... Seeing as you can."
	She shook her head.
	"Once closed, the Gates can never be reopened. I can't bring myself
to do that. I... I have to believe we have a future here."
	"You mean you don't know?"
	"No. I have no idea what's going to happen now." She smiled at me,
and I thought I saw just a little speck of fear in her old, old eyes.
	We watched in silence for a little bit, the only sound the buzzing
of the TVs and the tapping of feet beyond the doors.
	"You're not going to tell me where Ultra is, are you?"
	"No. Are you sure you don't want to tell me what set the Evil off?"
	"Not for nothing."
	"I could make you tell me, you know. If I weren't representing the
office of Good..."
	"But you have an image to uphold, right?"
	She laughed.
	"Don't worry, Yoi. If we survive this, I'll let you and your friends
stay here. I don't see how you could do better than that."
	"I get to go to Heaven, huh?" From what I'd seen of it, that
wouldn't really be my idea of a happy ending.
	"I meant here, specifically." She shrugged. "I'd rather not have you
out and spreading the truth about the Good, after all."
	I didn't know quite how to take that, so I changed the subject.
	"How come he, um, she, whatever," (hey, who can tell with all that
fur?), "'s like that, anyway?"
	"No one knows, although I have my theories."
	"Like?"
	"Well, morally speaking, it's a lot easier to be a good dog, than a
good person."
	"Huh." Sounded like one of those Zen riddles Keikaku always liked.
"How long's it been that way?"
	"Since about the dawn of Greek civilization. That's when I had to go
back to."
	"You mean-"
	She nodded.
	"There is a reason why I was the first Magical Girl."
	"I guess I should thank you then."
	"Oh? Why?"
	"You provided my livelihood."
	Another long period of silence passed. More buzzing. More footsteps.
	"Looks like you guys might actually win."
	"Yes, and as much as I'd hate to admit it, we have Mega to thank for
much of that. Fool as he is, he's an excellent trainer for Magical Girls."
	"It was pretty close there for awhile."
	"Still, I can't believe the Evil would be so brash as to attack with
no allies whatso-"
	Her mouth kept moving, but no more sounds came out of it and her
eyelids drew back like cockroaches running from the light.
	"It's Order, isn't it?"
	She wheeled around.
	"I have to tell her! I have to go back!"
	Styx rose one foot and lightning cut through the air. She cried and
fell, a black hole belching smoke from the middle of her neck. I ducked down
behind the metal podium and peered out. Mina. She began advancing towards
me. I ran out, grabbed Styx's corpse and flung it at the Magical Woman. She
dodged without faltering and leveled her ornate wand. I jumped, felt the
electric death burn through the tips of my socks. The impact of my body sent
her flying into the wall of TVs. The back of her head hit glass and kept on
going. Sparks flew and her body jiggled like a dancing marionette. Then it
was still.
	*Bark bark bark bark bark* God came bounding into the room; H and
Itami close behind him. I considered saying something snotty about "the
Calvary" but fortunately thought better of it. They stopped short when they
saw the carnage.
	"Yoi..." H said.
	"Don't ask. Just... don't ask."
	"But, Yoi..."
	"I said-"
	Itami pointed. I turned around to see another Mina standing beside
the fricassee one. She looked blearily down at her remains.
	"Oh for..."
	The ground cracked open beneath her and Mina was engulfed by flames.
She screamed shortly and then she was gone.
	"Oh... good."
	I looked over my shoulder. God was whining and licking at Styx's
cold hand. Behind it, thousands of tiny Magical Girls were fighting demons,
and angels, and each other. I panned my head around and sure enough, there
was another Styx, huddled on the floor.
	"I should of known," she moaned. "It's all my fault. I should've
known. "
	I looked between her and the dog. For something on Order and Lucy's
level it sure looked harmless enough. But damned if I was going to be taking
any chances.
	"C'mere doggy," I said, clapping my hands and walking backwards into
the hall. "C'mere!"
	It trotted happily after me.
	"Thaaaat's a good God."
	I hopped around it, and slammed the door shut.
	"If... if only..."
	I looked to H and made a cutting motion across my neck. She nodded
and jumped on Styx, wrapping her whip around her arms and pulling tightly.
	"Hey! What-?"
	I moved to where Mina's head was still embedded in the TV. Bending
down, I looked over the broken glass littering the floor, and picked up one
of the larger pieces. I sighed. I wasn't going to enjoy this.
	"Styx, I need to know where Ultra is."

***

	"Hello again, Yoi."
	The eyes didn't match the shining face. Too many veins; not enough
blinking.
	"Hello, Ultra."
	The angel knelt naked in a box of blue light, his wings wrapped
tightly about his sides. The light gave off a hum, like an electric fence. I
had a feeling they both existed on something of the same principle.
	Convenient of Styx to keep the dungeon right here in the basement.
	There were about thirty boxes besides Ultra's, lining both sides of
the room. Only one other was occupied. By Matsura Yoshiko no less. She
looked at me with an odd calmness, not saying anything.
	"So," I said to Ultra, "how've things been going with you?" He
unfurled his wings slightly, revealing perfect, well-muscled shoulders
decked out in red stripes.
	"I guess we never really left on the best of terms," I said. "But
I'm hoping we can, y'know, forget about all that. See, I gotta ask you for a
favor."
	"A... favor?" Ultra crawled across the floor, sticking his face as
close to me as possible without touching the blue. I moved back a step. "A
favor... for you?"
	"Yeah. Not for free, of course. I can let you out of the leisure
suite here, and guarantee that you won't run into any more trouble with the
powers that be."
	Not hard to promise. I was ninety-percent sure the big lever marked
"Open Cages" might have some effect on the security facilities and I'd
stuffed the powers that be into a hall closet right after I got the keys off
of her.
	"What... kind of... favor?"
	"Do you remember your program?" By looks of him there was a good
chance he didn't even remember his full name. "The one that brought people
back to life? I'd kinda like it if you could make one of those again."
	Ultra's face brightened, in both senses of the word.  "Yes. Yes, I
can certainly do that." "You're willing to play ball?" "This is...  this is
my work, Yoi. I'd like to... I have to continue it. The world is counting on
me."
	"Heh heh, right. Don't wanna disappoint that world..." I wondered if
anyone had ever designed a straightjacket with wings in mind.
	"I'll assist you as well." I turned to Matsura.  "For the same deal,
and use of the matrix as soon as it's complete."
	"I dunno, Matsura. Aren't you out for my blood now or something?"
	"I _was_. But I've had a little time to become rational again.
What's past is past." She smiled. "I'd have preferred to be on top of things
all along, but as long as the end result is the same..."
	Oh sure, she _sounded_ reasonable enough. That hardly put me at
ease.  "Besides, I believe you do need me, don't you? Or have you found the
location of the loophole all by yourself?"
	Damn. Oh well, I'd just have to keep an eye on her. Ultra would be
more of a potential risk, anyway. A _lot_ more than I'd usually be willing
to gamble on, actually. But these were special circumstances.
	"Itami, throw the switch."

***

	A screech of metal on metal came warbling from the "Computer Room".
Ultra had been busy cannibalizing the parts in there ever since Matsura
finally finished doing whatever it was she had to do to pinpoint the
coordinates of the loophole to him (seemed to involve a lot of typing and
printing out weird characters, anyway. Really, computers on earth confuse me
enough as it is.) Ultra flew past me, a twisted circuit board clutched
tightly in his hands. He stopped midair and came down gently to stand by the
massive heap of ugly he'd erected where the volleyball court used to be.
Picking up a blowtorch and facemask, he started to weld the circuit board to
an indent in its surface.
	He said he was making good progress. I had to take his word for it.
	I wandered out of the room. Itami and H'd still be there to look
after the angel and Matsura, and I desperately needed a change of scenery. I
passed by God scratching at a closet door in the hall. Good thing dogs
didn't have opposable thumbs.
	Not much had changed since I'd last left the Viewing Room. Ever
since some of the MGs had turned traitor, Lucy'd been steadily holding the
upper hand. Heaven's troops were scattered all over the place, easy pickings
for the tightly formed souls of the damned. If I actually cared, it'd be
pretty depressing.
	I spied Aika sitting in the living room through the doorway. I
hadn't really been able to talk with her since I'd first arrived in Hell,
and judging by her state then, it was something that needed to be done. It
was just, what with everything moving so fast...
	Oh, who was I kidding? I'd been avoiding it.  "Hey." I vaulted over
the back of the couch and sat down next to her. She looked at me without
expression. "Um..."
	"What?"
	"Well, it's just..." I scratched my head. "Now that we've got some
time, y'know..."
	"Itami lied to you." There was no intonation in the words.
	"Huh?"
	"Itami lied to you."
	"He did?" It was hard to imagine Itami lying. It usually took too
many words.
	"He lied or H lied or whoever told you that he killed you, because
he didn't. I did."
	"Oooh. Well, why didn't you say so?" My guess was that Itami thought
I'd be mad and wanted to protect her. That was awfully sweet of him. Unless
he just wanted the credit.
	"I knocked his arm and made him cut your throat."
	"Hey, that was quick thinking."
	She stared at me blankly.  "You don't get it, do you?"
	"Huh? What? What'd I miss?"
	"You really don't care?"
	"Well, of course I _care_, but I agree with what you did. I mean, it
was either this or Lobotomy Land. At least like this I still get to be
myself..."
	"That's what I thought. That's what I told myself I was doing. But
when I actually did it... I was thinking about _her_."
	"... Kawaii."
	"She... she killed my parents and then you, then you..." Tears began
to leak out the corners of her eyes. "I hated you then. Just then, I
thought.  But..."
	"Aika..."
	"You're all dead! Everyone I loved is dead and it's all my fault!"
	"Look, you've been going through a lot of shit lately and..."
	"I _am_ shit!" She swung around, stopping just short of hitting me.
The tears were flowing freely now. "I... you don't want me, Yoi. I don't
think we..."
	"Woah, hold on, let's tone down the dramatics, please? Okay, so, one
thing at a time. You got pissed at me for what I did to Kawaii? Perfectly
understandable. I'm not exactly pleased with myself about that either. And
it's fair to keep resenting that. This kind of shit doesn't just go away."
	"No. It's not. It's not fair. I... Just because of me you're dea..."
	"It is. And it doesn't really matter if you offed me because of that
or not, because I'm just fine with the results. I can't speak for your
parents, but that was definitely _not_ your fault. That was all _her_,
okay?"
	"It's not... I mean..."
	"I don't know if you meant anyone else too, when you said everyone
you loved was dead... Did you? "
	"... No. "
	"Good. Aika, I can't believe how strong you are. I mean, if I were
in your shoes, I'd probably be climbing a clock tower right now. You're not
shit. You're one of the coolest people I've ever met."
	"Shut up." She still sounded mad, but the tears had dried on her
cheeks.
	"I like you. I like you a lot. We don't have to, you know, be
together, if you don't want that. Or we could. It's up to you, and you can
take all the time you want to decide.  But I'd like to, I mean, I want to
help you through this. I want us to keep talking. Can we, can we do that?"
	She hesitated for a bit, then quickly nodded her head.
	"Thanks," I said.  Cue the maniacal laughter.  "Oh great. Ultra." I
groaned and smiled at her. "To be continued?"
	"...Okay."
	What a relief. I'd have to thank Ultra later. Assuming I didn't have
to kill him, of course.
	When we reached the Rec Room, he was sprawled out lovingly over his
contraption, his head thrust skyward as he let out an endless stream of
cackles.
	"Finally!" he screamed. "Finally!" I glanced a question towards
	Itami and H. Both shook their heads.  "He's finished," said Matsura.
	She was filing her nails.  The angel whipped his head around,
seeming to notice us for the first time. Somehow, he managed to slide off
the metal goliath with only a bit blood-letting and without once taking his
hands from their possessive grip on its surface.
	"Yes," he said. "I'm finally... finished."
	"Really? Splendid." The voice was British.  The image of Nigel
Ramsbottom appeared, floating directly above the center of Ultra's work.
Matsura dropped her file and sucked in air through her teeth.
	"Hold on. I'll come through in a moment." Ramsbottom disappeared,
leaving a tiny black spot where his feet used to be. The spot grew to
Frisbee size and a pair of hands emerged from within it. The hands pushed at
the sides of the black circle, stretching it wider and wider until a grungy
looking kid in military pants and grease stained T-shirt stepped through.
	It only took me a few seconds to recognize the grease monkey look. It
was Ramsbottom's old sidekick.
	The kid walked towards Ultra, moving as if there was an invisible
platform up there to support him. He stopped and looked down at the angel.
	"Now then," he said. "Be a dear fellow and hand over the controls."
	Ultra pressed his hands even more firmly against the top of the
machine. For the first time since I saw his true form, the light left his
face, revealing a mouth set in a Doberman snarl.
	"You would _dare_?" "Going to be like that, are we? Very well." The
kid stuck two fingers in his mouth and let out a piercing whistle. Out of
the black hole came Akari Nazo. Glowing blue lines covered her like a body
suit made of fishnet. She didn't look too happy. The kid pointed to the
farthest corner of the room and there she went, her head just barely
scraping against the ceiling.
	"Now, let's try this again, hm? 'Be a dear fellow and hand over the
controls.'"
	Ultra's gaze shot rapidly between the kid and Nazo. He began to
breathe heavily, and shake. I wouldn't have been too surprised if he ended
up exploding, but all he finally did was screw his eyes shut, and take his
hands off of the machine.
	"Failure," he said. "In the end I'm as weak as the rest. Oh, Akane,
please don't forgive me..."
	Until then Nazo's face had been a frozen glare. Now it melted. She
looked like she was going to cry.
	"Don't worry," said the kid. "This is all for the best." Ultra flew
up to Nazo, drawing her into a tight embrace. The blue strings sparked in
contact with his skin, and I could smell flesh burning. The kid floated to
the ground and placed his hands exactly where Ultra's had been.
	"Now hold on there a second." I started to walk cautiously towards
him. "Uh, 'Jill', right? I was just thinking maybe we could-"
	Then the wall exploded.  I grabbed Aika and threw us both to the
ground. The sound of flying shrapnel was far too close. A few pebbles grazed
my back and legs. Taking the sudden silence to mean the danger had passed, I
got up and instantly regretted it.
	Captain Kawaii stood in the jagged hole that used to be filled with
solid stone. What could be seen of the cloud-material beyond created a
bright white outline around her body and sent her shadow spilling into the
room. She was literally covered in blood, both wet and dry, from head to
toe.
	"Yoi!" she cried. "I've been looking _all_ over for you!" "You."
	Aika's hands balled into fists and her face twisted into less than
friendly look. I put my hand on her shoulder and tried to send the unspoken
message: don't do anything stupid. She calmed; message received.
	Kawaii waived at me, displaying the long black sword gripped tightly
in her hand. From the look on Itami's face, I guessed that I wasn't the only
one who found it all-too familiar.
	"Oh, this?" Kawaii must've noticed what we were staring at. She held
up the demon-sword like it was a prize she one in a Bingo tournament. "A
nice man gave it to me. It says just the _cutest_ things! And-hm?" She
cocked her head. "Can you wait a minute? It wants me to do something to
Itami now."
	I could tell Itami just loved the sound of that. He flicked his
knife into his hand and H uncoiled her whip. I looked around for something I
could use; maybe a sharp piece of metal that didn't make the cut in Ultra's
building spree. Nothing at hand. Probably wouldn't have made a difference
anyway.
	Kawaii moved one step when the muffled sound of a voice came from
the gap behind her. The only words I could make out were "wider" and
"doofus".
	"Alright, alright," Kawaii snapped, whirling around to face the
wall. She swung the sword towards it and it bit in like a power saw through
Styrofoam. Sand flew everywhere. She finished quickly; the severed stone
didn't even begin to fall until she'd pulled out her blade and did a proud
little twirl. The crash of debris was followed by a rumbling in what
remained of the wall. Bit by bit it crumbled away, until nothing was in the
way of all those clouds but a large pile of rubble, and an army.
	Their numbers stretched out as far as I could see, men and women of
every shape and size (although there were an awful lot of fat old men), and
horned monsters with white feathers on their belts. It looked like the
entire population of Hell was at our doorstep. It probably was. A little
redhead girl with horns and a pitchfork hopped up onto the rock pile.
	"So this is where that fuckwhit's been hiding," Lucy said. She spat.
"Okay, goody-two-shoes, come on out!"
	God came dashing into the room; a big fuzzy torpedo. It halted
beneath Lucy's feet and started barking its head off.
	"You gotta be shitting me." Lucy looked down with condensation. "It
almost isn't worth it..." She grinned and aimed her pitchfork. "_Almost_."
	"Hate to spoil your party." The grungy kid twisted his hands inward
and a beam of light shot from the center of the machine. The light curved,
and flew towards Lucy like a giant heat-seeking worm. She ducked with a yelp
and it continued past her head and into the horde. It touched the guys in
the front lines and they disappeared, same for the ones behind them and
behind the ones behind them. Until the Damned finally seemed to realize
their predicament and turned tail to flee.
	There were a lot of them, and they were packed together pretty
tight, so obviously that didn't work too well.
	The beam continued far into the distance, its tip no larger than
mini- reading light. Only demons remained on a ground littered with crude
weapons. There weren't a whole lot of them, proportionally speaking.
	There were even less after the angels descended.  Lucy gaped at the
massacre, bits of sputtering sounds that might've been the beginning of
words ejecting from her throat. Finally, she managed to speak.
	"WHAT?"
	The kid chuckled. "Reincarnated," he said. "I brought them _all_
back to life, and out of your grasp. Your reign of Evil is finished, my
dear."
	"Hey wait," I said. "Doesn't that mean they're all on Earth now?" He
shrugged. "Can't accomplish anything without compromises." Lucy growled.
Steam rose from the top of her head and her eyes began to glow.
	"If you think I'll just let this go..." Her body grew, sprouting
spikes and tiny, gnashing mouths. The horns on her head stretched far above
and fire smoldered in the palms of her hands. "You're ROYALLY FUCKED."
	I was wondering if I'd be able to dig a hole to bury myself in that
weird cloud-material stuff when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around,
I was greeted by a knuckle sandwich. I sprawled to the ground and looked up
to see my own face smirking down at me. Never realized how annoying I could
look before.
	"Well well well," it said.
	"Koi."
	"Wrong." Aika jumped at him and froze midair. Twisting my head
around I saw that Itami and H had also gotten caught with the statue trick.
Lucy looked over at me.
	"Don't mind me." My body waved at the Devil. "I'll stay out of your
way if you stay out of mine."
	Lucy just shrugged and continued with her hideous growth spurts.
	"Now, where was I? Oh yes. I'm not Koi." He bent over to bring his
face close to mine. "I'm _Yoi_. And I've got the tattoo on my butt to prove
it.  But I'll tell you what, _you_ can be Koi. I'll let you rattle around in
my head _all_ you want, helpless to do anything as you watch every single
thing I do. Every stupid, nasty, heartless thing. Every time I hurt and
alienate someone you care about. Every time I waste the life _you_ wouldn't
take for granted. C'mon... it'll be a _blast_."
	I grabbed his throat.  "I think I'll pass." "Hm, just as well." My
hands came open as if my fingers were being pried with a spatula and my arms
spread out to either side. Koi rose and I rose with him. Invisible forces
were making me impersonate a telephone pole.
	"It's been fun," Koi said. "But I think it's time for you to finally
stop existing-" He coughed, and droplets of blood splattered against my
shirt.
	Koi looked down with confusion at the black metal sticking out of
his chest. Behind him, Kawaii grinned and gave the sword a twist.
	"Stay away from my Yoi," she said, "you stupid wannabe." She yanked
the weapon out of him and he fell like a sack of lead potatoes.
	"But… it can't-" And that was it for Koi.
	 Kawaii stuck out her tongue and skipped over the dead meat I used to
call home. She tapped Aika on the nose and looked me up and down with
mischievous eyes.
	"Still can't move?" she asked.  "Rektok?" Lucy's body took up a good
portion of the room now. She scratched her head (or at least the horns that
covered her head.) "_Rektok_ whacked Chaos? How the hell could such a loser
pull that off?"
	"BECAUSE IT IS MY CREATURE." And here I thought things couldn't get
any worse.  A single giant hand thrust in through the wall-less side of the
room. The foundations groaned as it gripped the ceiling and began to lift.
Meteorites of plaster and stonework rained down us and there was an
eardrum-snapping crack. A small breeze ran through my hair. It was white on
all sides now. Angels and demons stopped killing each other just in time to
look up at the falling structure that was about to turn them into a
celestial-demonic jelly. A couple of them flew away in time.
	Order loomed even larger than he was before. His ring of stars
circled and focused in the direction of the grease-monkey kid, who was
smacking his hands furiously against the surface of the machine.
	"YOU ARE NOT WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE."
	The kid's feet began to slide backwards. He grabbed at jutting bits
of metal, but got nothing but cut up palms for all his trouble. It wasn't
until I heard the whining that I realized the dog was sliding too. Both
clawed madly at the floor as they slowly neared each other. When they came
together, they didn't stop, but began to flow one into the other, their
features melting and twisting around, until what finally resulted looked
something like a character Lon Chaney Jr. once played.
	The dog-man howled and clutched at its head.  "Oh no," it said. "Oh
no, what have I done?" Order turned to Lucy.
	"THE DEMON ENTERED MY REALM. RESHAPING IT WAS MY RIGHT. BUT THE GIRL
HAS DESTROYED EVERYTHING."
	You wouldn't think I'd be taking my eyes off Order for second, but
those goddamn stars were starting to give me a headache. I looked away and
noticed that my corpse was starting to twitch.
	"KUMIKO HAGESHII." That got my attention back to the big guy. "CAN
YOU POSSIBLY COMPREHEND THE DEPTH OF YOUR CRIMES?"
	"What's the big deal?" Kawaii pouted and pointed her sword towards
Lucy. "I can still stab her! I can stab _lots_ of people... "
	"You were going to start the betraying already?!" Flames licked from
Lucy's mouths. "Sodomize Jesus with a Billy goat, man! It's _way_ too soon.
I wasn't going to start until at _least_ after we finished here..."
	"FOOL! CAN YOU NOT SEE THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS? BEHOLD,
CHAOS AWAKENS!"
	Trust me, you don't know the definition of "freaky" until you've
seen your own head twist around at a ninety degree angle. Old Yoi rose on
all fours and black goo began to leak out of his nose, mouth and ears. If
I'd known I'd been full of that stuff, I wouldn't have bothered brushing my
teeth... or going to sleep that much.
	"Oh. Whoops." Kawaii scuffed her toe. "But, I had to... Yoi was-"
	"ENOUGH. SUCH TRAVESTY MERITS PUNISHMENT."
	"Hey! I'm talking here!  Godammit, I'm the Lord of Darkness!"
Kawaii's sword leapt from her hand. She made a grab for it and it spun
around, its tip pointing towards her. With a single thrust it plunged
through her chest and flew out her back, soaring to Order's outstretched
hand, where it was absorbed into his palm. Kawaii fell against me. She held
on tight to the back of my neck and looked up with a sad smile. Her eyes
were glassy; I could see my reflection in them.
	"H-here we go again. Heh. This' getting kinda old. I..." Her grip
loosened and she began to slip. "What's with all those other people, Yoi? I
don't get them at all. I don't get anyone but-"
	She fell backwards, splashing into a pool of her own blood, where
she blended in nicely.
	"No!" Matsura emerged from behind a large piece of rubble and ran
towards me. She grabbed Kawaii's prone body and began to shake it violently,
making the ex-Captain's head bob back and forth like a drinking bird toy.
	"Kumiko! Kumiko!" She seemed to get the hint once Kawaii's neck
snapped.  "Kurasaka." Matsura dropped the corpse and glared up at me with
watery eyes.
	I couldn't move my mouth, but a witty retort probably wouldn't be a
good idea at that point anyway.
	"KURASAKAAA!" The blow to my jaw was surprisingly strong, and I had
a lot of them to compare it to that day. I massaged my mouth as I got up off
the ground. Felt like a tooth was coming loose...
	"Hey," I said. "I can move! Thanks, Matsura." The anger drained out
of Yoshiko's face, leaving her with her usual calm expression. But when she
spoke it still lingered at the edge of her voice.
	"This is the last straw," she said. Reaching into her suit jacket,
she removed something that looked like a garage door opener. She pressed it
and I felt the ground vibrate under my feet.
	"What the heck was that?"
	"That," she said, "was the last of the Gates of Heaven being sealed.
For eternity. All but one of course." A patch of ground opened before her
feet.  "And it'll follow shortly. You're trapped here forever, Kurasaka."
	I turned up the brain-gears and casually inched my way towards her.
	"So you're just going to go through that hole? C'mon Yoshiko, you're
smarter than that! You'll never get to be alive again that way. Probably end
up as a ghost or something... _if_ you're lucky."
	"More than you'll ever be." She jumped into the hole and I dove,
sticking my left hand down to grab her. I thought I felt a wisp of hair
brush past my fingers and then- *Crunch* I screamed. The pain didn't last 
too
long (not the _real_ pain, anyway.) I don't think there was much left of my
arm left to feel anything after the first burst of agony. As soon as I could
think past the realm of 'makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop' I took a look at my
predicament. Bad, even for someone dead already. The gap in the floor had
shrunk to a tiny straight line, much narrower than my arm was. Yeah, 'was'
was probably the right word.
	I pulled my body upwards and felt another burst of that special
pain. No, forget that. I'd just have to sit tight.
	A few meters away, the thing that used to be my body was stretching
and twisting around into black goo's answer to a taffy pull. Order stood
directly across from it, looking like some star-headed John Wayne, with his
hands at his hips. I was waiting for a "Well, Pilgrim" when Lucy battered
against his legs, sending the giant stumbling a bit to the side.
	"I don't like being ignored, asshole! Especially not on shitty day
like this!"
	Order regained his footing and stared her down.  "YOU ARE OF
CONSEQUENCE NO LONGER," he said. "THE EVIL AND THE GOOD HAVE BOTH BEEN
RENDERED INEFFECTUAL. ONLY CHAOS REMAINS TO BE DEFEATED."
	"Say that again?" Lucy opened her mouth, drew in air like some kind
of reverse tornado and grew to Order's height. "No, really, that part about
'ineffectual'. Maybe by that you meant 'about to kick your sorry ass'?"
	"YOU HAVE STRETCHED YOUR POWER FAR TOO THIN AMONGST YOUR
CREATURES, EVIL. AND NOW THEY ARE DESTROYED. YOUR ONLY HOPE IS TO BECOME
MY
MINION. AGAINST ME, YOU WOULD SUFFER THEIR FATE."
	"Oh, we'll just see about that." Lucy cracked her knuckles, making a
sound like cannon-fire. Order's stars drew closer together. Chaos hissed and
sprouted flowers about its surface.  The dog-man started to hit himself.
	"Let's rock!"
	"*SIGH.* VERY WELL."
	"CrAzY cHoOcHoO pOpCoRn MoMmY."
	"I'm bad!" *Smack* "So _very_ bad!" *Smack*
	Then they all shut up.
	They just stood there, like they were trying to remember their lines
or something. Only a faint whooshing noise spoiled the graveyard silence.
The ones that had heads looked up and I followed suit.
	The octagon was coming down.  As it got nearer, it began to drift
closer towards us, dragging its shadow over what little was left of Styx's
house. Finally, it stopped, hovering just close enough for Order or Lucy to
touch it, if they made an effort at jumping. Instead, they knelt, as did the
dog-man and Chaos (or what passed for kneeling in its case.)
	Close up, I could see that the octagon was only the bottom of a
larger structure. Its top was a triangle and a bit smaller than the bottom.
Between them was what looked like a massive wooden tube. The wood split into
two sides, which parted from the top, falling open to hang from its bottom,
and revealing another tube from beneath it. This one was clear. Glass
probably, or the nicest looking plastic I'd ever seen. In it, millions of
tiny gold dots swam to and fro. I was looking at the firefly collection of
the gods.
	Would you just _look_ at this mess?  The voice was in my head, like
a memory of someone speaking. Someone with a really shrill voice.
	Horrible! Horrible! I hope the current Controller can handle it!
	That's 534690, isn't it?  Yeah. C'mon 534690. Make a verdict.  Right
right... Ah, as Acting Controller of the Koshchei I- Wait, who's fault was
this anyway?
	Koshchei. I'd heard the name before and now it cinched what was
already my hunch. I shook my head. The creators of the universe sounded like
the Keebler Elves.
	Now hold on- 89789!  No, 270121!  Hey! What did _I_ do?  As I
focused on the dots shifting within the tube, I found myself actually able
to start distinguishing between some of them. Somehow I knew that "534690"
was a fleck at the very top of the structure (which I could barely see past
all the others that floated in front of it) and that the one that'd spoken
last was a smaller one which zipped up and down right by the glass surface.
	Who suggested to the Good that it might better achieve its goals by
severing its essence from its independent consciousness?
	The Chaos.
	And who provided the severing?
	The Chaos.
	And who gave the Chaos the idea that this would be 'good for a
laugh'?
	Uh...
	Who's responsible for throwing the entire four quadranted system of
balance effectively out the window?!
	Well...  I move that 270121 be discharged!
	Yeah!
	Sounds good to me!
	Mediator?
	Yeah, sure.
	This from an extra fat one, which circled about the bottom.
	Do, it 534690!
	Oh fine. As Acting Controller of the Koshchei I declare that 270121
is herebye discharged from office.
	No wait-AAAAAAH!
	"270121"'s color turned black and it fell like the casualty a bug
zapper.
	Now that we have that out of the way, as Acting Controller of the
Koshchei, I- Oh damn. Time's up.
	Whoopee! It's my turn now!  The fleck zoomed up to the top, where it
bumped the previous "Controller" out of the way.
	Oh, not you! That's the moron that introduced the appendix!
	Hey, it was a good idea I tell you!
	Um, can we all just quiet down for a second?
	It's... it's cute! And it gives the liver character development.
	I said shut up!
	Fine. Look, we're shutting up. 32367, make your first declaration.
	Okeydoke. As Acting Controller of the Koshchei, I declare that
_everyone_ becomes a woman, so's they can all have a hot, lesbian orgy and-
	I felt my muscles contract.
	"No! No! Not again!"
	I move that 32367 be removed from Controller position.
	YES! OH, PLEASE YES!
	"Yes! Yes!" I screamed along.
	It's unanimous.
	Mediator?
	Yeah, sure.
	Aw.  I was hoping the damn thing'd get a taste of the zapper like
the last one. But no, it just swam off to another part of the tube.
	Okay, who's up next?
	I am.
	This one's voice was lower than the others'; far less annoying. It
came out from a thick swarm and took the "seat of power".
	Great, it's 32897. We'll see some _real_ action now!
	As Acting Controller of the Koshchei, I move that this project be
terminated.
	WHAT?
	"Wha'?"
	It has become unsalvageable. To try and repair the damage would be a
waste of time and effort. The best we can do is cut our losses and start
anew.
	But all our work...
	Is already tarnished by this travesty.
	Hey, this isn't such a bad idea. I mean, with all our experience, we
should have a _much_ better clue of where to go the second time around.
	Ooo! I was just thinking, maybe instead of doing Order, Chaos, Good
and Evil again, we could have, like, Meat, Dairy, Vegetables and
Carbohydrates.
	And Meat could be incarnate as a cow made entirely out of ground
round!  I'll draw some sketches.  Are we at agreement, then?
	Mediator?
	Yeah, s-
	"NO. YOU CAN'T..."
	Order rose shakily to his feet. The other three looked at him the
same way you look at a guy who's about to piss on the third rail.
	"WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MY MASTERS, I BEG THAT YOU DO NOT ABANDON
THIS WORLD. THERE IS HOPE YET! WITH BUT MY GUIDING HAND..."
	Hey, the Order's getting uppity.  As Acting Controller of the
Koshchei, I declare that the Order be subjected to unbearable throes of
agony.
	"AAAAAAH!" Order fell to his knees, sending everything in the
immediate area bouncing through the air. He writhed about, clawing at
himself and tearing his robes into streamers. Watching that bastard get his
was better than sex.
	Let that be a lesson to you. Now then, let's give this charade a
proper ending.
	"Wait." Ultra stood by his machine, wings spread out, with the
brights turned on high beam in his face. Funny, I'd completely forgotten
about him. He slapped his hands down on the usual spot and twisted them
around counter-clockwise.
	Who's that again?
	You know, the nutsy angel!
	The beam of light blasted out, and curved to hit Good. He blinked
his big puppy eyes and turned his head back and forth, probably wondering
why nothing was happening. Then a second, narrower beam rose beside the
first and swung down to strike Ultra.
	Good yelped as he was sucked up the beam like a Ping-Pong ball
through a high-powered vacuum cleaner. He shot around the curve at the top
and down to where the light ended, disappeared for a second, and then came
zooming right along the second beam and towards Ultra.
	Meanwhile the first spotlight was doing its thing to a shrieking
Lucy while Chaos tried to make a break for it. It was moving at a pretty
good pace until it turned into a three-headed armadillo. When its turn came
it made a noise like a dolphin in heat. Make that a school of dolphins in
heat.
	Hey wait! He can't do that!
	Quick, make a declaration!
	Order was too busy doubling over in pain to even try to avoid it
when his turn came. He actually looked sort of relieved.
	I... As Acting Controller of the Koshchei I... uh... I...
	Good stopped just before ramming into Ultra. He hung in the air and
was soon followed by Lucy, who got squooshed down real thin, conforming to
the width of the second beam. Chaos and Order joined them, and the four
became obscured in the mass of their own oddly molding bodies. The beam got
even narrower and they spun aro